Meanwhile, in Las Pegasus...
Meanwhile, in Las Pegasus...
Meanwhile, in Las Pegasus...
"Good evening! I'm your on-the-scene reporter, Scene Capture, coming to you live from the grand city of Las Pegasus! This just in, the entirety of Las Pegasus is in utter chaos." said the news reporter, as she stood amid a crowd of wild ponies. "As you can see behind me, every pony is furious due to the recent alcohol shortage. At the moment, no pony knows exactly why the alcohol disappeared. Throughout the city, bars are being ransacked, tables flipped, and windows broken, all in desperate attempts to find more alcohol to dump down their throats."
The streets themselves had become one big brawl, as every pony took out their anger on each other. Punches were being thrown in all directions, and teeth scattered the streets. At this point, many of them would need a damn good dentist.
"With us today, we have one of the participants in this frenzy. What is your name, sir?"
Next to the news anchor was a medium-sized stallion. He stood there, swaying back and forth, his tattered, brown mane flopping side to side. Though he was covered in bruises, one could faintly make out the natural tan color of his coat.
"Hey, pretty lady. Mah name'sh Tippy Tankard... hic! What can I do ya for?"
The reporter cringed as the sickening scent of alcohol crept off his breath and into her nostrils. "Well, umm, Tippy Tankard... am I pronouncing that correctly? Anyway, how is it that every pony ended up in such a state? Where is the match that started the fire? What got all these ponies so riled up?"
"Uhh, well ah guessh they just didn't make enough poniesh for the booze... or shomethin' lack that."
"Yes, I'm aware of that. What I want to know is how... how..." she trailed off as she stared at Tippy's flank. "Umm, Mr. Tankard, what is that on your flank?"
Tippy turned his head around. "Oh, that'sh mah cutie mark!" he said, proudly.
"Is that a... beer bottle?"
"Why, yesh it ish, pretty lady."
"So, your talent is... beer?" asked the news reporter incredulously.
"That'sh right. I got thish beauty when I wash jusht a little colt. Thanksh for notishing!"
"Well, I won't even begin to question the ethics of that. Anyway, back to my original inquiry. Who started this riot?"
"Well, I don't exactly know how, but ah think it shtarted just down the shtreet at the local brewery. Shomponiesh were pisshed off at the bar when they couldn't give them no more booze, sho they marched on down to that brewery and demanded more! They couldn't find none, and pretty shoon, well, thish happened!" he said as he gestured to the ever-growing mob around them.
"Well... Tippy, was it? Thank you, Tippy, for that... enlightening information. You can return to whatever it was you were doing before."
"I don't know, pretty lady. I'm thinking I wanna stick around and hang out with you a little longer... wait. Shit! I'm starting to sober up! TIme to find more beer!" he shouted as he ran off into the crowd.
"Alright, then," began the reporter, "that was certainly interesting."
"The authorities arrived on the scene just moments ago. They've attempted to suppress the mob using persuasion techniques, as well as crowd controlling strategies, but to no avail, but... wait... hang on, what is that?"
In the distance, a strange object moved in the direction of the city. As it drew closer, it began to resemble a locomotive, letting off steam as it made its way to them. The ponies were distracted from their rampage, as they drew their full attention towards it.
"Is that a... steam engine?" asked the reporter, completely perplexed.
The locomotive entered the city, and strangely enough, every pony moved aside to let it through. It came to a grinding halt, and all the rioters stared at it with growing wonder and amazement.
Two similar-looking unicorn stallions emerged from the center. They wore straw hats on top of their hair, which very closely resembled bacon, and they wore matching jackets with blue and white stripes, complimented by a black bow tie. One of them had a mustache, and that was the only noticeable difference, besides their cutie marks. In fact, even their cutie marks were similar, with one of them being a red apple slice, and the other being the remainder of that same apple. They were most likely twin brothers.
They hopped off of their strange contraption, and as if on queue, some music started playing. After a few seconds, they joined in with their voices
"Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it's the same in every town!" chanted one of the brothers. "Ponies with thirsty throats, dry tongues, and not a drop of cider to be found!"
He was speaking so quickly, that the inebriated ponies had a hard time understanding his words, which only served to annoy them further.
"Maybe they're not aware, that there's really no need for this teary despair!"
"That the key, that they need to solve this sad cider shortage you and I will share!" sang the other brother.
The ponies in the crowd scratched their head in confusion.
"Well take this opportunity, and this very community!" sang both of the brothers. "He's Flim, he's Flam, we're the world-famous Flim Flam brothers! Traveling sales ponies nonpareil!"
"What the hell is nonpareil?!" one of the audience members shouted.
"Nonpareil and that's exactly the reason why, you see. No pony else in this whole place will give you such a chance to be where you need to be. And that's a new world, with tons of cider. Fresh squeezed and ready for drinking."
"More cider than you can drink in all your days of thinking." finished Flam.
"That's some bullshit right there." grumbled Tippy.
They continued their idiotic presentation. "So take this opportunity, in this very community!"
"He's Flim."
"He's Flam."
"We're the world famous Flim Flam brothers. Traveling sales ponies nonpareil!"
"SHUT UP!" roared many of the ponies in the crowd. They threw around insults like there was no tomorrow.
"Boo!"
"You suck!"
"We just want booze, not a performance!"
They continued to sing, despite the uproar.
"I suppose by now you're wondering 'bout our peculiar mode of transport."
"I say, our mode of locomotion!"
"And I suppose by now you're wondering, where is this promised cider?"
"Any horse can make a claim and any pony can do the same."
"But my brother and I have something most unique and superb, unseen at any time in this big new world."
"And that's opportunity!"
"Folks, it's the one and only, the biggest and the best!"
"The unbelievable!"
"Unimpeachable!"
"Indispensable!"
"I can't believe-able!"
"Flim Flam brothers' Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!"
Finally, Flam was struck by a glass beer bottle that was incidentally thrown from somewhere within the mob.
"Do you bozos have booze or not?" demanded a morbidly obese stallion from the crowd, before he promptly tipped over.
The other ponies yelled in agreement.
"Well, yes. We do have 'booze', so to speak." said Flim, so the crowd prepared to make an attack on the locomotive.
"Wait!" exclaimed Flam. "We have to make it, first!"
The ponies stopped dead in their tracks. Groans of disappointment could be heard among the crowd.
"No worries, good folk! We'll have that cider ready for you in a jiffy, thanks to our Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000!"
The ponies stood there expectantly.
"Alright! Lets not waste any more time!" they said simultaneously as they powered on the machine using their magic.
Almost immediately, a long, cylindrical tube sprung to life, and found its way to the back of the locomotive, where they had been pulling carts full of apples behind them.
Flim and Flam nonchalantly sat down on their sofa, and allowed the machine to do all the work for them. A large barrel of fresh apple cider was produced in less then 30 seconds, and it disappeared into the crowd.
"Hang on a second, you have to pay for that!" they shouted, but it was too late for that. The ponies in the crowd eagerly awaited the arrival of the next barrel, their tongues dripping in drunken anticipation.
"Hurry up with that booze!" shouted several ponies.
Every time a barrel was produced, it vanished in an instant. Satisfying their insatiable thirst for alcohol proved to be more difficult than the Flim Flam brothers had originally thought.
The two brothers looked at each other worriedly. "Brother, I think we'll be losing a bit more than just profits if we don't make cider fast enough to calm these feisty ponies."
They put their hoof to their chins for a moment, then Flam's eyes lit up. "I've got it!" he exclaimed.
Flam flipped a switch, and the machine began accepting all the apples, regardless of their quality.
Flim leaned towards his brother and whispered, "Are you sure that's a good idea, brother? Remember what happened last time?"
"Oh, I remember it. The difference is that last time we weren't fighting for our lives!"
"Hmm, I suppose you're right!"
The cider was distributed to every pony at a exceptional rate, and they began to cheer, welcoming the kegs of cider being passed out to the mob. One pony in the crowd raised his mug.
"Here's to Flim and Flam!" he shouted, and everyone else shouted in agreement. Once they all took a sip of their frothy beverages, the brothers' fates were sealed.
Some of them gagged at the taste, some of them tried to stomach it but vomited as a result. The rest spit it out, trying their hardest to get the filthy flavor out of their mouths. One pony started foaming out of the mouth and fell on his back, his entire body twitching uncontrollably.
"This tastes like piss!" yelled a rather bodacious mare in the front.
"Why they feedin' ush thish shit?" exclaimed Tippy, who had apparently managed to get himself wasted again in the brief time that had elapsed since the interview.
The crowd grew even more restless. Flim and Flam were unsure of what they could say to satisfy their unruly customers. As the brothers darted their eyes around, uttering nonsense as they were at a loss for words, one of the kegs of the foul substance flew towards them and broke at their feet, spilling the contents all over the ground. Flim and Flam recoiled in shock and, once they got a good look at the facial expressions of the ponies, prepared for the oncoming torrent.
Random items flew at them (the majority of them being kegs filled with the awful brew), including empty beer bottles, horseshoes, and even silverware. The frightened brothers climbed to the top of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 in an attempt to escape the psychotic drunks.
The drunks, however, would not be denied some form of satisfaction. At this point, every last pony in the mob was redirecting all of their anger and frustration towards the brothers. All hell had broken loose for these two traveling sales ponies.
They swarmed the locomotive like parasprites. Thinking quickly, Flim caught a flying barrel with his magic and used it as a makeshift shield to block the fast-approaching projectiles, while Flam fought back the aggressors with a broken pipe, flailing it around like a mad pony. Who would've guessed? It didn't work. The pipe had almost no effect on the mob. The angry ponies tightened their grip on the locomotive, rocking it back and forth.
Flim lost the concentration necessary to sustain his magic, and dropped the barrel he had been using as a shield. A unicorn in the mob managed to catch it with her magic and tossed it straight at Flam, hitting him on the head and causing him to lose his balance and tumble over, which had him headed straight for the edge.
He would've gone over and off their machine, but Flim rushed to his aid, grabbing him by the shirt to pull him back up. It became a game of tug-o-war when the crowd grabbed Flam's hind leg, attempting to pull him off. Flim, using his superior leverage, along with a bit of magic to assist him, managed to pull his brother back to safety. The two brothers breathed a sigh of relief. However, their victory was short-lived.
The rocking of the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 continued, with even more ferocity than before. The crowd below gave one final heave, and the locomotive finally gave way and tipped over, bringing the two brothers down with it.
At long last, the crowd was able to have their way with the Flim Flam brothers, beating them senseless. Contrary to popular belief, ponies are actually very vicious fighters. They used every single tactic they could: punching, kicking, scratching, pinching, and even biting. I'm freaking serious, a young mare actually latched onto Flim's ankle with her teeth, hanging on for dear life as he tried to shake her off like someone would with a rabid dog.
Anyway, after they were beaten to near-death, something amazing distracted the attackers. The Wonderbolts could be seen in the air. There were ropes wrapped around each and every one of their midsections, and enormous wooden containers dangled below them. Behind them followed even more pegasi carrying identical containers.
"Citizens, please disperse!" announced Spitfire, captain of the Wonderbolts, over a megaphone. "We've received a new shipment of alcohol. There is no longer any reason to panic. We will be delivering the alcohol to their respective places, which are the majority of the bars, casinos, and hotels in Las Pegasus."
Following that announcement, the entire crowd rejoiced, letting out screams of joy and delight. They began to calm down, and slowly but surely made their way back to the local bars and such to enjoy the new shipment of poison.
In their wake, Flim and Flam remained in the same spot, lying on the ground, battered and broken. They moaned and groaned as they rose to their feet. Their appearances, however, still remained somewhat similar to one another. They were both bruised and bleeding all over, with black eyes and broken noses. Flim was most likely going to need a tetnus shot after getting bitten like that. He examined the wound on his ankle, which was trickling blood.
"Animals! All of them!" exclaimed Flim with great disdain.
"Well," started Flam, "looks like we've encountered a slight... problem, here in Las Pegasus." he said, followed by a fit of coughing, due to having his chest stomped on.
"No pony wants our - *pbth* - product." returned Flim, spitting out a tooth. "Next town?"
"Next t-" Flam started to say, until he looked at what was left of their beloved locomotive.
The Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 was in utter shambles. It was, quite literally, unrecognizable.
"Ugh. On second thought, lets get a repair technician." said Flim, grimacing at the wreckage.
After all that, Flim Flim Flam and Flam Flim Flam still hadn't learned their lesson.
The End