I’m Not Worth It

by Star Flame

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Sad, Original Character, Suicide / Self Harm, Anthro
Length: 2281

I’m not worth their trouble, I'm a mistake, a freak, they shouldn’t bother with something disgusting like me.

Hello there, my name is Hoshino, and I am a Thestral. I have a black coat, cyan mane and tail, silver eyes, and I am also-

Don’t tell them that!

Why not? Why wouldn’t I tell them about it?

They’ll think of you as what you know you are: disgusting filth, a crime against nature.

Mostly First Person, with some Third Person.

Published 2018-01-10 22:50:09 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-11 11:25:02 UTC

Pain

It was so much easier back home.

So much easier to keep people happy.

To pretend that nothing was wrong.

But I made my choice, I left, hoping I could find a town to get a job in, to try and get better.

How wrong I was to think that something like me could belong.

I’ve been through three towns so far, all small enough not to be well known to most in Equestria. At first it would go how I hoped it would. Got a small job and a home in the form of an inn. Things would go well.

Then the ponies living there would find out, I don’t know how, maybe I said the wrong thing, maybe they figured it out on their own, I don’t remember. But that doesn’t matter.

What mattered was that they knew.

And they were disgusted, they hated me, ran me out of their towns.

The only things I had with me, as I walked the dirt path to the next town, were a backpack with food, mostly peaches, the clothes on my back, and a survival knife my Dad gave me before I left.

But you don’t use it for survival.

I rubbed the jagged scar on the inside of my right arm, reminding myself of what I’ve done.

What a thing like me deserves.

The edges of my long-sleeve shirt and my pants were torn, having been caught on shrubbery in my latest escape from a town and a mob.

Soon, I came to the next town, the dirt gradually shifting to cobblestone and buildings came into view.

It was the middle of the night when I arrived, my eyes struggling to stay open, willing myself to stay awake long enough to find somewhere to stay.

Finally, my legs gave out from under me somewhere in the middle of the town, and soon after I succumbed to my exhaustion.

It was on her way home that Helping Hand found the newcomer in the middle of the town’s marketplace.

She worked the afternoon shift from Five to Ten o’clock at the town’s hospital, and was heading home to her daughter when she saw the unconscious body.

Quickly running over, she rolled over the pony, which she identified as a Thestral mare, and made sure she was alright.

Feeling her neck, she felt a pulse and felt her breath coming out of her nose.

Sighing in relief, Helping Hand gave the Thestral a closer look.

She seemed to be about in the middle of her teenage years, not mucholder than her daughter, and was slightly emaciated.

Making a decision in her mind, the nurse picked the Thestral up, carried her over the shoulder, and walked down the street to her house.

Am I being picked up?

Probably.

Maybe someone’s finally finishing me off.

Hopefully.

Helping Hand finally made it to her home, a modest, single-story building.

Positioning her arm to support the Thestral, she used her other hand to unlock her door.

Entering to the living room, her daughter, Mint Swirl walked in from the hallway to the bedrooms and stopped at the sight of her mother carrying an unconscious stranger in.

Helping Hand looked at her daughter, “Get the guest room door open, then help me with her.”

Nodding quickly, Mint Swirl jogged back down the hallway, opened the guest room door, then hurried back to help her mother.

Carefully, the two carried the Thestral into the bedroom, slid off her backpack, which was set down at the foot of the bed, and laid the unconscious mare gently on the bed.

Helping Hand sighed. “Alright, she’ll probably be awake in the morning, go get some rest, Mint.”

I was awakened by sunlight shining in my eyes, disrupting any dream I was having.

Sitting up, I realized I was in a bedroom, someone else’s bedroom.

How’d I end up here?

The door to the room was suddenly opened, and a blue-coated Earth Pony mare with a ruby mane held in a ponytail, wearing sweatpants and a T-shirt walked in.

“Good, you’re awake,” the mare said, “I’m Helping Hand, what’s your name?”

I scratched my arm through my sleeve. “My name is Hoshino.”

“Nice to meet you.” Said Helping Hand, “So, how’d you end up like in the middle of the marketplace last night?”

I sighed, “Well, the last two weeks or so, I’ve been trying to find a place to get a job, but I’ve been run out of the last three towns.”

Helping Hand looked confused. “Why would they do that?”

“They... disagreed with my being.” I pulled up my left sleeve, “That’s also how I got these scars.”

The blue mare held up my arm as she examined the scars. They were long, jagged scratches from my elbow to my wrist.

“Well, with those, and your obvious lack of eating, something tells me you’re not doing so well. What’s in your bag?” Helping Hand gestured to my backpack.

Pulling it over, I opened the main zipper to show my food supply, which consisted of a dozen peaches and a few granola bars.

“Looks to me you’ve got plenty of food here, why haven’t you been eating?”

I stared at the floor an muttered, “ I didn’t want it to go to waste.”

She sighed, “Well, my daughter’s probably got breakfast finished by now. You’re welcome to join us, and I’ll let you stay here as long as you need to.”

I looked up at Helping Hand in shock, “T-thank you.”

Helping Hand introduces me to her daughter, Mint Swirl, who was also an Earth Pony and had a mint green coat with a pink curly mane and tail.

Breakfast and the next few days seemed to blur by, nothing really feeling like it mattered enough to remember.

Helping Hand told me I was looking better.

I didn’t believe her.

Someone like her doesn’t deserve to be burdened with someone like you

Then everything seemed to slow back down to normal speed one night right as I fell asleep.

I woke up probably half an hour before dawn, and decided it was time.

I took out a folded note I kept in a small side pocket on my backpack and placed it on the bed.

Then, I removed the survival knife from its sheath in the bag.

No-one else will be burdened by you.

I pulled up my left sleeve and twisted the underside of my forearm to the ceiling, exposing the artery, and pointed the knife.

Then, I made my choice.

Helping Hand left her bedroom with a good feeling about the day ahead.

Then, she knocked on the guest room door to wake up her guest.

“Hoshino?” She called, “You awake?”

Easing open the door she called again, “Hoshi-“

She stopped dead at the sight of Hoshino.

She was slumped against the bed, left forearm leaking blood, a knife on the floor near her right hand.

Helping Hand knew what happened and acted quickly.

Feeling the side of Hoshino’s neck, she found that there was still a pulse, then she ripped off some of the bedsheet and used it to tie a makeshift tourniquet around Hoshino’s left bicep, blocking the blood flow.

At that time, Mint Swirl has come to investigate what was taking the two of them so long.

“Mom are you two okay in the-“ Mint Swirl stopped in the doorway, jaw dropped in shock.

“Mint, listen to me,” Mint’s mother started, “I need you to bring me the first-aid kit, then go and get help from the hospital, alright?”

Breathing slow, careful, breathes, she nodded. “Okay. Yeah, yeah okay.” She then turned and ran to the bathroom to get the first-aid kit.

Returning with it, she handed it over to her mother, then sprinted out the front door to get help.

Helping Hand, meanwhile, opened the kit and proceeded to sterilize the cut with rubbing alcohol, the places a bandage over it and kept it in place with some gauze.

Sighing in relief she got the wound covered, she picked up Hoshino and carried her out the front door, just in time to meet the hospital crew who had come with a stretcher.

Gently placing Hoshino into the stretcher, Helping Hand helped wheel the stretcher back to the hospital.

It was when she was changing Hoshino into a hospital gown that Helping Hand found out why Hoshino had done what she did.

Hoshino was intersex, possessing a penis, testicles, and a vagina. She probably hated herself, thinking she didn’t deserve good things, probably thought of herself as less than others.

And being run out of three different towns for it? That would only reinforce her thoughts.

Now, Hoshino was in stable condition, thanks to a Unicorn’s healing spell helping her body regenerate blood.

Helping Hand opened up the folded note that one of the other hospital staff had grabbed.

It read:

I’m sorry,
for being a burden.

I’m sorry,
for being a mistake.

I’m sorry,
for being a disappointment.

I’m sorry,
for living.
-星乃 Hoshino

Along with the message, was directions to find her parents’ home.

Helping Hand realized that Hoshino was the daughter of the nice Thestral peach farmer who came to sell his crop every now and then.

She sent a courier to tell him and his wife the news about their daughter.

Hoshino’s parents had arrived and Helping Hand had shown them their daughter’s note.

Now, they were just waiting for her to wake up.

Hope

I slowly came back to consciousness, feeling someone rubbing my right hand with their thumb.

Opening my eyes took some effort. Effort to not slip back into the dark place my mind went.

Effort to live.

When I did get my eyes open, I had a glimpse of a stark white room that was quickly blocked by gray fur and an orange mane along with a shout of, “You’re okay!”

That quickly brought me back to reality. I knew that voice, it belonged to someone I never thought I’d see again.

My mother.

She’d hugged me tight as soon as she realized I was awake. Eventually, she let go and sat back in a chair near my bed. “I’m so glad you’re okay.” She said, wiping a tear from her eye.

I looked around the room, seeing it to be one inside of a hospital. Confused I looked at my Mother. “What-? How-?”

My Mom smiled. "That nurse, Helping Hand, I think, she found you and brought you here. She was worried about you."

I looked down the bed. "She should've left me," I muttered.

"Why?" I looked at her, saw her tear-filled blue eyes. "Why would you say that? Why would you do this?"

I couldn't look at her. "Because I'm a freak."

"No," I looked at her again. "No you're not. You're my child, you don't deserve this."

She's lying.

"Hoshino, you mean the world to me, and to your father."

"Where is he, anyway?" I asked.

"He couldn't stay." My mother answered, "He went back home to take care of the farm."

He doesn't care.

"I've been here all day, waiting, I was afraid I was going to lose you."

"And for that, Missus Aihara, I ask that you go and get some rest."

We both looked to the door and found Helping Hand standing in the doorway. My mom squeezed my hand and made to leave when the blue mare stopped her. "You can stay at my house. My daughter's in the waiting room, she'll take you there."

My mother sniffed and nodded. "Thank you."

Helping Hand patted her shoulder as she left, closing the door behind her, then turned to me. "Those scars aren't from those townsfolk, are they?"

She knows now.

I closed my eyes. "Not most of them, no."

Helping Hand sighed. "Well," I opened my eyes again. "I sent for a therapist to come to town, a good one, she should arrive by nightfall. She'll be able to help you."

I nodded, with a small amount of hope.

Maybe I can belong.

Sure enough, at almost exactly when the Royal Sisters moved the heavens, the door to my room opened again, and in walked the last thing I expected.

The therapist was a changeling mare, with silver eyes and a cyan mane and tail. She was wearing a pair of jeans, a long-sleeve leather jacket, and a glove on her right hand.

She sat down in the chair my mother occupied earlier. "Hello," she said, "my name is Star Flame. Helping Hand told me about what happened."

Of course she did.

Why wouldn't she? Star Flame's here to help me.

You don't deserve help

"I'm not gonna lie to you," the therapist's voice dragged me back to reality. "This isn't going to be easy, it's not going to be fast, and it's not going to be simple. The only way this is going to work, is if you want to get better."

"How do I know you can help me?" I asked.

She probably just thinks that, because she's an empath, she knows every-

"Because I've been through the same thing you are."

What?

"Granted, it wasn't like your situation, but I know what having these thoughts is like." She held out her hand. "Now, what'll it be?"

I paused.

Don't do it. Don't accept her offer! You don't deserve help!

I do.

Excuse me?

What I don't deserve, is you.

I took Star Flame's hand, and said "I want to get better." She smiled at me.

"Good."

And from that day forward,

I began to heal.