Am I Losing My Sanity?by TheNoobChaptersAre You God?I REBUKE THEE!!!Dafaq is this place?!?!?!Are You God?Jake's Pov "Are you God?" I asked tentatively. "No" the being replied back to me. This is not what I expected the afterlife to be like. I thought there would be a white light and a choir of angels leading me up to heaven but no that can't happen to me. I'm here, stuck with this fire-bird inside some kind of dark endless space. Wait, maybe I'm not dead yet and this is all a weird dream! "Did I die?" I asked popping the big question (and unconsciously scratching my balls). "That car crash most definitely killed you that's for sure" the blue-like bird replied back to me. Oh wait, I (or the author) forgot to introduce me/myself. I am Jake Eisienburg, 17 years of age and I was living in the united "D̶i̶p̶s̶h̶i̶t̶s̶- of America (well I meant United States Of America). If you are wondering what I look like, I'm currently wearing a gray jacket, light black pants And white shoes. My skin is just a little darker than pale. I have black pupils and dirty blonde hair. And if you didn't realize yet, I died in a car crash after a big fat monster truck slid and rammed into me. It wasn't my fault, when I tried to turn the steering wheel broke off. I guess this event is the least of my problems now anyway, especially since I'm not in heaven or hell I'm sure. "Ok, I have 3 questions. Who are you, where am I and why am here?" I asked the electric-like-bird. "1. I am Drake the immortal electromagnetism phoenix, 2. You are in the void and 3. At random souls are picked not to go to either heaven or hell and get a brand new chance of life instead" the now named Drake replied back to me. "A new life?" I asked. Maybe I could ask to get sent to Mario's wor- nah screw that. I would rather be chilling with Sonic and the gang. "I know what you are thinking mortal, but that isn't how world choosing is done here" Drake replied back to me. He then flew up forward towards a big giant machine that I hadn't realized was in my presence. "What's that thing?" I questioned Drake. "This is the "World Selection Machine". This machine shuffles up the name of numerous worlds and at random it picks one" Drake answered now pressing the button. The machine shuffled the worlds until it finally stopped spitting out the name of the world. Drake somehow threw me the tiny piece of paper that contained my "new world's name" without sizzling the paper. I took a look at my new world with anticipation and hope. "Equestria" All my dreams went right out window and into a volcano. What the fuck is this shit!?!? I have never heard of this world before. I turned over to Drake hoping he could answer some of my questions. "I can't tell you anything about this world, that's for you to find out. Drake responded, now sporting a little smile on his beak. (How dafaq is that possible?) "But, I can however accompany you on your journey but it requires a "small price" "So what do I have to do?" I asked not wanting to go to a brand new world all alone. Scratching my non-existent beard I wondered, I mean I could get killed on the spot or even worst... they might not have wifi. "I just need a host to reside my body in and as a bonus you would be able to use my powers" Drake answered. Hmmm, seems legit enough. I don't see where we can go wrong. [Why you gotta jinx yourself like that -Author] "Ok, Drake we have a deal" I spoke in a business like style. "Let's begin the merging now" Drake said flying towards me. "What do you mean mer- Ahhhhhh!!!!!" I screamed convulsing with pain. What the fuck?! This phoenix actually merging into my body. Fuck this shit, this is like I made a deal with the devil. "I'm not the Devil.... I'm far more playful then him". Playful my ass. I am literally smoking right now, around my chest area to be exact. Soon I began to see the standard black and white polka dots of loss consciousness. Damn it. I should have never taken a used car that has been rumored to be a "little" faulty. And a "little" faulty got me in a deal with this son of a bitch. As I started to blacking out, I swear I heard that idiot Drake laughing at me. He was laughing like seeing me burn was just a little joke. Fuck you too. Equestria |3rd Pov It was going to be an exciting day in Ponyville today. Everypony was rushing around the town and getting themselves prepared for the event. Celestia was going to be making an important announcement this afternoon about Ponyville so "everything just had be perfect" (the words of Twilight Sparkle not mine). Twilight asked her friends to help with the decorations which resulted in a giggle from Pinkie Pie. "We don't need everypony to do decorations, I can just do them myself!!" Pinkie chortled. Pinkie pulled out her patented Party Cannon™ and blasted fired. Somehow the cannon ignored all logic and spurted the decorations in just the correct spot. To anyone on earth this event might have put them in an asylum. But in Ponyville, everypony had just passed this of into the file of "Pinkie being Pinkie". Due everypony being so distracted by the coming of the princess, nopony seemed notice or hear the curses of our "favorite humanoid figure" as he flew across the sky towards Cantorlot. But in an unknown place (to the ignorant reader) a familiar draconequus was just reading a book "101 ways to cause chaos" until he heard a beeping sound. Pulling out a strange contraption from behind his back he chortled "Something chaotic is going to happen today". With that said he snapped his fingers and went back to his book. Jake's Pov Location: Who gives a fuck *Groan* Lying down on the ground (a concrete surface to be exact ) I try to get my head to function normally again but it's ringing louder then my alarm clock on a monday morning. OH, HELL NO. It's even worst... I can hear that torturous song. That song should be put on the FBI's most wanted list. As I continued groaning in agony I could only wonder one thing. What the hell is going on in my head anyway? Inside Zane's Head *Barney I Love You Song* "Sir, the brain is malfunctioning for some strange reason" The Boss looked around for a solution until he found one that would shock the entire world for its genius "Corporal, I suggest that you STOP RINGING THOSE GOD DAMNED BELLS IN HERE AND CONTINUE REPAIRING THE REST OF THIS BODY!!!!" "Sir, but how about the brain? Aren't we gonna fix that?" The body part in question started to make make groaning sounds. The corporal just pinched his forehead before responding, "It'll take a miracle to what's inside that head of his" *Rebooting* Ok, I got that problem dealt with but its time for the cliche question... Where the fuck am I? I know I am on Equestria, even I'm not that stupid but what is my approximate location? Like what state or country did I currently land in? And also, why does it look so dark in this place? [Try opening your eyes, mate -irritated Author] Opening my eyes, I sprung to my feet to see a magnificent castle in front of me. This castle was very big and I could at the moment see that It mostly had the colors white and yellow painting it. The strangest thing was the fact that part of this castle was over some kind of cliff but I was never the analyzing type so I didn't put much thought into it. However I did noticed some movements from inside the castle. What confused me was the fact that the figure seemed horse shaped. Out of curiosity, I started to walk towards the castle but I was stopped in my tracks by a voice behind me yelling "Hey furless ape, this is restricted area! Now you are going to come with me or suffer the consequences." Did he just call me a furless ape? That's it, time to give this guard a piece of my mind. Clenching my fists, I turned around preparing to send this guy flying into the next nebula when I see something that is horribly wrong. A tragedy of sorts. I see what appears to be some kind of horse in golden Armour somehow holding up a spear with its hoof while being balanced. How dafaq does this shit work?!?! Oh Fuck, why did I ever agree to that phoenix. He sent me to a world where apparently horses are the dominant species. Thinking back to the castle, I deducted that I must be on some kind of rich manor but all my clever thoughts were diminished when the guard continued to talk. "Furless ape you are to come with me or I will initiate force" the Guard ordered while somehow being balanced with one hoof in the air. I, being a long lost enemy of all sources of authority replied, adopting a British accent "Sorry my good sir, but getting "captured by guards" wasn't in my contract." With that being said I started to moonwalk right past the seemingly stunned guard and I made it about 6 ft until. "BACKUP REQUESTED: WE MUST CATCH THE APE!!!!" Idiot, this is Fucking Alpha. Yeah, Faggot, this is Jake. What's happening? Hostile contacts at twelve o'clock. Please advise. Copy that. Engage evasive maneuvers, we're GTFO. Jake, out. As I started to run, I realized the the guard was following me with the back up he requested. That's like 100 horses, I can't be that dangerous right? Suddenly mind went to the time that I accidentally destroyed part of the school. Don't look at me like that. I didn't know what mixing 2 highly dangerous chemicals would do. However, running along the path I soon reached the town part and there were more horses. And I think they were rich too but I didn't have time to dwell on this idea as a spear flew right past my head. After praying to every god I could think to I rushed into the town and like a horse Moses I parted the middle of the road/path. I was just running wildly flipping and doin cartwheels as I tried to avoid all the spears going past my head. There was panic as all the "rich" horses tried to run away from me but it wasn't doing any good. The guards were gaining on me and last time I checked horses are faster then humans so unless a miracle happened I was gonna get my head on a pike. I needed more speed and when I pushed myself to the something amazing occurred. I could feel some tingling inside my body and then suddenly everything around seemed to be going in slow motion. But then when I looked down at I saw that they were glowing blue. Are my electricomagnetism powers awakening? Yea, Electro=Lightining I wonder If I can fly out of here. Putting this thought to the test, I face my palms towards the ground and I try to push electricity through them. I am guessing my idea worked since I am in the air. To be exact about 1000 ft in the air. Oh yea, take this bitches. With my newly earned powers I think I became a fucking mlg god. LETS GOO!!! Maybe this deal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, Murphy's law decided it was time to end my fun. My hands soon started sparking and electricity coursed through my entire body. I was feeling a little more then tingling so I attempted to release some energy from my system but noooo. The universe just has to screw things up. What I did achieve in doing was being the first human firework. Instead of getting rid of the energy, I generated a massive explosion which sent me once again flying to god knows where. "GEROMINO!!!!" They'll be talking about this for years to come, "The Great Firework Incident". "I could have helped you but this was too fun to pass up. Hahahaha" All I could give in response was a blank emotionless face. 3rd Pov The princess had arrived to make the announcement for the town. Everyone was looking forward to the "Celestia coming to Ponyville to give an announcement" party that would happen afterward. So all the ponies took their seats (on the ground) and looked up on stage to see that Celestia was on stage and ready to talk. "Hello my little ponies, I am here to annou-" and that was as far Celestia got until... "FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!" our favorite human was falling from the sky. All the ~~horses~~ ponies looked up to follow the source of the sound, which was a humanoid figure. Luck was not on Jake's side today because as he neared the ground he managed to bump into Celestia, knocking her of the stage. Once again Jake was the pony Moses, the ponies moving away from the place that was going to be crashing into. After the dust settled both sides take a look at the situation. Human: Knocked over white horse, standing in middle of colorful horses, location unknown, quite dizzy Ponies: bipedal figure, standing up, intentions unknown, just knocked down the princess "Boss, we have sustained massive injuries to brain, should we let him go on? I think it's a bad idea." "Corporal, I don't give 2 fucks about what you think. Just get online again. Against his will the Corporal, started to bring the body back online. 3rd Pov | Town Hall Jake however didn't have his brain working on full capacity so he wasn't acting normal. Checking around his surroundings all he could see were technicolor horses. But when he looked on stage he saw a white horse that looked different from the other ones. Jake being the dumbass he is, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind and this event would shock the minds of all of Equestria and the entire universe. "HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT AN ERECTION COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!" ... ... ... "Hehehehe" Author's Note This is what Drake looks like I REBUKE THEE!!!Last Time on "Am I Losing My Sanity?" Jake being the dumbass he is, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind and this event would shock the minds of all of Equestria and the entire universe. "HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT AN ERECTION COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!" ... ... ... "Hehehehe" Now Brain Reboot complete Jake rubbed his hands together and stated "Sorry for that random outburst but... are you a genetic mutation? You know, half pegasus and half unicorn?" The ponies were all shocked by this statement spoken by the strange creature as they all assumed that all would know what an Alicorn is. Celestia however was still pissed from when the human knocked her off stage so she rebutted "What are you strange ape?" "I'M NOT A FUCKING APE!!!!. I'm a human and my name is Jeff" our favorite human responded, clenching his fists. Gasps were heard all around the crowd, for there had been none brave (or dumb) enough to curse at the princess with no fear. The princess however kept her calm (and that barely unnoticeable eye twitch) in check and stated "I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and mover of the sun." ... ... ... *Snort* "Bwahahahaha!!! Good one, princess. I can believe the ruler part but moving the sun is impossible. The earth orbits the sun. That's the way things work" the human responded confidently with a smirk on his face. "Then how do you explain this?" Celestia responds. Suddenly the Sun is moving across the sky in a rapid motion. Jake mesmerized by the event, lets his jaw drop, piercing the ground and hitting some unknown civilization. "How dafaq you doing that shit, horse lady?" Jake asks while dragging his jaw back up. "Magic" Celestia replies simply. "Magic doesn't exist." Well not on Earth at least. Cue yet another collective gasp from our audience of background ponies. Suddenly a floating cupcake appears in front of Jake and he turns to see that Celestia's horn is glowing. Jake realized that magic must exist in this world unlike Earth, so there was only one more option left for him to do... Jake somehow got out the "Holy Bible" and a Cross from behind his back. Backing up slightly he yelled out, "I REBUKE THEE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!" Unfortunately for him he didn't see any of God's judgement rain upon the white pony. All he saw were the angered and confused stares from the ponies that surrounded him while Celestia held an amused look on her face. Jake however just continued to moonwalk from the ponies holding his hands up in surrender. "Stop moving, strange one" Celestia ordered, with the amused smile still on her face. Jake stopped in his tracks (still holding the"Bible") and turned around slowly "Yes....?" "I see that you are not from this domain, for this is a new experience for you so I am willing to let all the disagreements between us pass and let you go". All the ponies had widened eyes in response as they were sure that this "thing" would have been killed on the spot, instantly because he had spoken "incorrectly" to royalty. With a traditional Japanese bow, Jake replied "I thank you for your generosity, crazy horse lady". Celestia replied "You are welcome "Human" but call us "ponies". "M'kay" then our hero ran off into the town to see what it had in store for him. All the ponies looked in the direction that the strange new creature had ran off too. Clearing her throat to get the ponies attention, Celestia began her speech [Which I was too lazy to right down -Author]. Jake's Pov That was weird. I just come here to learn that these ~~horses~~ ponies are the main sentiment beings on this planet. They have 2 beings from mythology that I can remember, Pegasi and Unicorns. Now that I think of it, it should make sense that there is magic here since Unicorn=Magic, right? However, I just want to confirm this so who better to ask then the "all powerful being" within me? "Drake, was all that white horse say was true?" "Yes, she is right. Magic does exist on this planet but ask questions later. I'm too busy organizing this crazy mess of a head you have at this moment *Beep* *Beep* *Call Has Disconnected What the fuck was an answering machine doing in my head? Meh, whatevs. That's future Jake's problem and last time I checked I'm not in the future. Anyways, as I walked around the town and took in the sights I notice that this town is a bit too "babyish". I see that pink is a very common color to see on these houses. On Earth I would say these houses are a mix between modern and classic (It's the straw roofs). I continued walking along the path until I spotted a store that looks like it came right out of "Hansel and Gretel", with the place decorated to look like a gingerbread house. I however did not take the risk of going inside the house cause with my luck Imay be the next one served for desert. Unfortunately, I do not have good navigation skills so somehow I ended up right back in the middle of the town. This walking made me tired so I decided to take a seat next to the statue and take a little nap. *Snore* I think this world is out to get me or something because I woke up to seeing a Wood-Wolf in front of me. I mean really, it was just staring right into my eyes. And growling too. But that breath though, it was worst then the smell of mystery meat served on Tuesdays (which I still think was a failed government experiment). Using my instincts, I bitch slapped that nigga outta my face. However, I got up to see that I was, well... kinda surrounded by 10 or so of these Wood-Wolves. I think I just slapped the Alpha by the way the others were sort of looking at me and "it". The Alpha got up and pointed it's wood-paw at me. Suddenly the Wood-Wolves are pounced towards me. I did my patented "crouch n' place head between knees' and hoped for the best. After several seconds passed, I realized that I wasn't becoming a gourmet entree so I uncovered my eyes and looked up to see a dome of blue electricity protecting me from the Wood-Wolves. I looked down to my hands to see that they were glowing electric blue. OH YEA, I'M A GOD ONCE AGAIN!!! Seeing that my electric powers were working at this moment, I decided to dispel the shield and fight these Wood-Wolves head on. Fight Scene Spotting three of the Wood-Wolves dive towards me, I decided to try out a move from "InFamous 2". "Gigawatt Blades" I spoke concentrating my electric energy into blades. Taking a fighting stance, I swung my blades into the Wood-Wolves and amazingly I cut though them just like butter. The remains of these guys fell down to the ground. However about 10 secs after this, I saw a green aura circle the bodies and a flash in front of my eyes. After the flash passed, I looked to see the same Wood-Wolves standing and boy, do they look pissed. Unfortunately, I was getting a little dizzy (which might be a side affect to this power) so, I had to finish of these "Woodies" fast. These "wolves" weren't giving me anytime to recover as I had to keeping moving or ducking to avoid being eaten by wood. I deactivated my "Gigawatt Blades" to save my energy and I tried to come up with a new strategy. "Eureka, MotherFucker!!" I exclaimed stopping in time to avoid a dive from a "Woodie". I could just use this other move from "InFamous2". Using my electricity to give me a boost, I jumped up about 30 feet in the air. Hehehe, dumb "Woodie", you should be running now. I then fell down towards the ground and in a small voice I muttered " Thunder Drop". Upon hitting the ground, I created a huge shockwave of electricity which blasted away the "Wood-Wolves" about 10 secs. Getting up and looking around, I started to see a familiar blackness cloud vision. Falling down to the ground, I spoke with little strength, "Ha, I won ". I got up to see that I was surrounded by a deep black space once more. I just thought "Let there be light" and it suddenly appeared. What the fuck was going on here? And where am I? "You my friend are inside your head. I call it, The Training Room" My ~~tormentor~~ "friend" appeared out of nowhere flying spreading his electric-light until he stopped right in front of me. "What the fucks, am I doing in here?" I wondered as I have never been into my own head before. "You have over exerted your power so you blacked out and appeared here. There are some rules that apply with your power. Don't over exert yourself above your level. This will lead to dizziness and of course, Unconsciousness. Practice, Practice, Practice. If you don't practice and get your powers under your complete control. you won't be able to stop random, uncontrollable pulses of energy.Also as a by product you will gain Electromagnetism Manipulation SUGAR. Your energy runs on the sugar that's in your body. When you run out of usable sugar in your body, the fuel for your powers will become your Life-Span. So that's the gist, any questions?" Do you really think, I was paying attention to all of this? If you think I was, you really must not really know me. While he was talking I was trying to get that scratch away from my balls. I caught the important stuff though, "Get sugar, Practice and exert yourself". "When the fuck do I get out of here?" I replied. Looking at a clock that suddenly appeared in mid air the ~~bitch~~ Phoenix replied, "Now". Grabbing me with his wings, the faggot threw me up into the air and widened his mouth engulfing me inside of it. I was however screaming like a ~~girl~~ manly man until I saw a light at the end of the tunnel at which that moment, I seemed to regain consciousness. Getting up from the ground, everything around me looked the same. The time was around the same (I didn't get that) The "Woodies" on the ground, me wondering what the fuck just happened and the widened eyes of hors-err ponies. Wait, WHAT!!! Clearing my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming, I still saw the ponies looking back and forth at me and the "Woodies". They kept this up for around a minute until they just directed their sight on me. What was I doing? I was playing with my thumbs until they made up their mind and started talking to me. I saw 6 particular ponies standing in front of the others. I, however am too lazy even describe them (and you should know who they are, right?). Seeing that the ponies were not going to be saying anything, I just said "Me and "Woodies" fought and I won". "Woodies?" a purple unicorn responded back to me. "You know, Wood+Wolf=Woodie" I responded. "Oh, you mean Timberwolves". So that's what they are called, okay kinda weird but I can accept that. Seeing that not a single pony had really moved yet I just had to ask, "Do you guys just stand still all day or nah? I think it's kinda creepy to be honest". My response from them however was a pink thing flying into my chest, sending me flying back into the base of the statue with a big "Oof!!". I look forward to see a pink ~~abomination~~ ~~monster~~ pony looking into my eyes with what has to be the biggest smile I've ever seen in my life. This is not totally creepy or whatever. I could practically hear the thoughts of the other ponies. "Pink pony is gonna get eaten by weird monster!!!" The tension was so thick I think I could cut it with a knife or maybe a machete. Yea, those things are co- Breaking my train of thought (and the tension) the "creepy pink thing" started speaking at near light speeds "hiwhatsyournamemynameispinkipiedoyoulikepar-mhhh!!!". I just covered her mouth since I didn't really care about listening to her rabble anymore. Speaking to her I said three things "1. The Name's Jake, 2. I'm ok with parties, and 3. Lay off the drugs". When I finished speaking ~~The Abomination~~ Pinkie just jumped super high of my chest and in the air and then exploded into pink particles while saying "Oki, Doki, Loki". Looking up into the sky and back the crowd of ponies (who have strangely stayed quiet this entire time) I just commented in a calm voice "I'm not getting paid enough for this shit". ... ... ... *Boom* Author's Note Me : You were never going to get paid anyway!!! Jake : Then how the FUCK did I get roped in this. Me : No telling *Throws Jake into the abyss* Dafaq is this place?!?!?!Last time on "Am I Losing My Sanity?" Speaking to her I said three things "1. The Name's Jake, 2. I'm ok with parties, and 3. Lay off the drugs". When I finished speaking ~~The Abomination~~ Pinkie just jumped super high of my chest and in the air and then exploded into pink particles while saying "Oki, Doki, Loki". Looking up into the sky and back the crowd of ponies (who have strangely stayed quiet this entire time) I just commented in a calm voice "I'm not getting paid enough for this shit". ... ... ... *Boom* Jake's Pov Looking up to see that the pink demon had some how disappeared in mid-air, I looked back at the crowd for an explanation. "Just Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie Pie" they seemed to chorus in a monotone like voice. Not totally creepy or anything. "Are you guys gonna just stand there or are you guys gonna get on with your normal lives? It's not like am gonna hurt you guys."If you don't make me go insane first. Suddenly, life resumed as normal for the ponies (as normal as having a human around) but I noticed the purple unicorn from earlier walk towards me. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle" the unicorn spoke to me sticking her hoof outstretched towards me. How dafaq is that possible though? Bending down to returning the hoof/hand I replied "The name is Jake, the species Human and I am seriously hungry". My stomach growled at that moment as if to prove my point. Giggling, Twilight replied, "Well I can feed you at my place, just follow beside me". I just followed her, as I really had no knowledge of this weird fucked up world. Looking around to see the ponies do well, pony stuff I noticed everyone shifting away from my gaze. Ok, now that's just overdoing it, I thought as I saw a pony begin to barricade its house. "Twilight, are these ponies Ok? It's not like I'm gonna hurt them" I asked. "Well they are a little afraid of change" she replied. Suddenly I heard windows and doors being slammed shut down the path. "Yea, a little afraid" I replied. "They haven't seen anything like you before, though" she retorted. "So you aren't afraid of me?" I taunted showing my canines. "No..." she spoke with a little shudder. "Hahaha!!! I'm just playing with ya Sparklebutt" I chortled out. "Sparklebutt?" she asked with her head tilted towards me. "You know, the sparkle on your butt?" I confirmed. "Oh, you mean a cutie mark" she replied back. "A cutie what?" I asked. "A cutie mark represents your talent. They usually look like your talent, like someone who is good with baking would have an apron as a cutie mark. Do your species get cutie marks?" she explained/questioned. "No, we don't get "Cutie Marks" but we are good at several things and not just one thing. Like I am good at drawing and playing sports" I answered. I am also skilled in parkour, fucking with the police and disrupting order. And with that we apparently arrived at her house which was more like a tree actually. Wait... it was a TREE!!!! This has got to be one of the sickest houses ever. Imagine all the room inside, all the bananas I can eat and the secret undergr- "JAKE!!!" Twilight yelled out, ending my monologue in my head. "I have been calling you for the last 5 minutes, now come in". I followed her, not knowing that this day was gonna get a lot weirder. Entering the tree/home the first things I spot are books. Lots and lots of books. Enough to end the international nerd epidemic of the 2000s. I think I made the wrong choice coming here as books and I never seemed to understand each other face to face. Before I ran for the hills, I saw him. The only one who can save me from this mess. "SPYRO, PROTECT ME FROM THIS STRANGE UNICORN" I yell out diving towards him. He moved to the side and I received a slap from the wall. "Spyro" looked at me with a questioning stare and tiled his head sideways. "Spyro? I'm Spike the Dragon, personal ~~slave~~ assistant to Twilight Sparkle. And also what are you?" the newly named Spike asked. "I am a Human, a new creature from this world, lil' dude. By the way is this some kind of library, cause I'm seeing books everywhere." Spike with an annoyed look, just pointed at a sign that read "Golden Oak Library". What the hell? That sign was not there a second ago. Whipping my head back at Spike and where the sign was I realized that the sign had somehow disappeared from sight. I guess I'll add this in the "Weird Facts about Ponyland" section of my brain. Suddenly I felt my nerd senses tingling. Turning slowly I look behind me to see that Sparklebutt was now sporting a total nerd smile. You know, the big-ass smile, lips trembling at the edge, eyes wide open ready to take in information. You don't want to mess with them at this state. It could be deadly. "Have a seat, Jake" Twilight asked. I took a seat. "Now tell me,EVERYTHING about your species!" she demanded levitating a quill and notepad over to herself. I looked over to Spike for back-up. "Nope, your on you own dude" he spoke backing away from the area. hello sir, Nerd spotted at 12 o' clock what should we do, Alpha? initiate the "Secret Operation", sir initiating the very "Secret Operation" You may think that I should have gave this pony a chance, but there was one problem... How was I going to eat when I'm stuck a NERD LESSON?!?!?! Backing up to the door, I started to take the most logical choice that I should take in this situation... RUN!!!! *CRASH* Jumping out the window, I escaped the scene unfortunately attracting the attention of every pony in a 100 meter radius. I at this moment charged up the electricity within me to activate my new move... Lighting Boost. Moving at about 1/3 the speed of light I was out of the town in a flash and stopped in the middle of a field. Well I'm finally done with that shit, I thought. Digging into my pockets to keep out the chill, I felt something move around them. Slightly shivering, I started to pull out the foreign object out of my pocket. To my shock I ended up pulling out a certain ~~autistic~~ pink pony out of my pocket. Holding "it"in my hand we both just stared at each other with different expressions on our faces and absolute silence. I had a stotic, terminator-like expression while she was smiling without a care in the world. However, the smile started to chip away at my terminator smile (I could here "I'll be BACK!!!"). Grinning back at the pony I surprised Pinkie by placed her on my head. Hearing music in the background I took epic anime heroic pose I commanded "Lead me strange creature, to the place where I can overflow with food." "Oki doki loki!" the pony replied back to killing the moment. Pinkie pointed the way to food heaven with a hoof and I "Lightning Boost" us back into the town of misery, fools and mentally insane ponies. Making it back into the town, Pinkie stopped us in front of a familiar sight... the dreaded "Gingerbread House". I just suddenly started to get the shivers from the place but I didn't mention it. I mean, I have to man up for mankind and show these ponies just what kind of badas- "Come in!!!" Pinkie yelled back to me with half her body already inside the shop. "M'kay" I replied walking towards the shop cautiously while holding the "Holy Bible" in my hands once more. I'm gonna be prepared for whatever this pony throws at me. ... ... ... "SURPRISE!!!" I saw way more ponies then what should have been possible inside the shop and food, more food and even more food!!! Looking up, I saw a blue and red banner that read "Welcome to Ponyville, Strange Creature". I was about to comment on the banner when I saw a pitchfork being thrown at me, dodging I quickly let out a bolt of electricity that stunned the poor fellow. That was when I saw that almost all of the ponies had pitchforks. My limited brain gave me only 2 options... 1. Run like a bitch 2. Get the food I chose nonexistent Option 3 and jumped over the huge mass of ponies, grabbed as many foodstuffs as I could then hightailed it out of there bobbing and weaving to dodge the various objects being thrown at me. However I could hear in the distance "I TOLD YOU NO PITCHFORKS!!!" nice to see that the pink one is supporting me. "Yeah, I need a LIVE test subject". Now that, didn't sound too good to me. ... ... ... Note #1 : Never go to a party in Ponyville. It's for your own sake.
Are You God?Jake's Pov "Are you God?" I asked tentatively. "No" the being replied back to me. This is not what I expected the afterlife to be like. I thought there would be a white light and a choir of angels leading me up to heaven but no that can't happen to me. I'm here, stuck with this fire-bird inside some kind of dark endless space. Wait, maybe I'm not dead yet and this is all a weird dream! "Did I die?" I asked popping the big question (and unconsciously scratching my balls). "That car crash most definitely killed you that's for sure" the blue-like bird replied back to me. Oh wait, I (or the author) forgot to introduce me/myself. I am Jake Eisienburg, 17 years of age and I was living in the united "D̶i̶p̶s̶h̶i̶t̶s̶- of America (well I meant United States Of America). If you are wondering what I look like, I'm currently wearing a gray jacket, light black pants And white shoes. My skin is just a little darker than pale. I have black pupils and dirty blonde hair. And if you didn't realize yet, I died in a car crash after a big fat monster truck slid and rammed into me. It wasn't my fault, when I tried to turn the steering wheel broke off. I guess this event is the least of my problems now anyway, especially since I'm not in heaven or hell I'm sure. "Ok, I have 3 questions. Who are you, where am I and why am here?" I asked the electric-like-bird. "1. I am Drake the immortal electromagnetism phoenix, 2. You are in the void and 3. At random souls are picked not to go to either heaven or hell and get a brand new chance of life instead" the now named Drake replied back to me. "A new life?" I asked. Maybe I could ask to get sent to Mario's wor- nah screw that. I would rather be chilling with Sonic and the gang. "I know what you are thinking mortal, but that isn't how world choosing is done here" Drake replied back to me. He then flew up forward towards a big giant machine that I hadn't realized was in my presence. "What's that thing?" I questioned Drake. "This is the "World Selection Machine". This machine shuffles up the name of numerous worlds and at random it picks one" Drake answered now pressing the button. The machine shuffled the worlds until it finally stopped spitting out the name of the world. Drake somehow threw me the tiny piece of paper that contained my "new world's name" without sizzling the paper. I took a look at my new world with anticipation and hope. "Equestria" All my dreams went right out window and into a volcano. What the fuck is this shit!?!? I have never heard of this world before. I turned over to Drake hoping he could answer some of my questions. "I can't tell you anything about this world, that's for you to find out. Drake responded, now sporting a little smile on his beak. (How dafaq is that possible?) "But, I can however accompany you on your journey but it requires a "small price" "So what do I have to do?" I asked not wanting to go to a brand new world all alone. Scratching my non-existent beard I wondered, I mean I could get killed on the spot or even worst... they might not have wifi. "I just need a host to reside my body in and as a bonus you would be able to use my powers" Drake answered. Hmmm, seems legit enough. I don't see where we can go wrong. [Why you gotta jinx yourself like that -Author] "Ok, Drake we have a deal" I spoke in a business like style. "Let's begin the merging now" Drake said flying towards me. "What do you mean mer- Ahhhhhh!!!!!" I screamed convulsing with pain. What the fuck?! This phoenix actually merging into my body. Fuck this shit, this is like I made a deal with the devil. "I'm not the Devil.... I'm far more playful then him". Playful my ass. I am literally smoking right now, around my chest area to be exact. Soon I began to see the standard black and white polka dots of loss consciousness. Damn it. I should have never taken a used car that has been rumored to be a "little" faulty. And a "little" faulty got me in a deal with this son of a bitch. As I started to blacking out, I swear I heard that idiot Drake laughing at me. He was laughing like seeing me burn was just a little joke. Fuck you too. Equestria |3rd Pov It was going to be an exciting day in Ponyville today. Everypony was rushing around the town and getting themselves prepared for the event. Celestia was going to be making an important announcement this afternoon about Ponyville so "everything just had be perfect" (the words of Twilight Sparkle not mine). Twilight asked her friends to help with the decorations which resulted in a giggle from Pinkie Pie. "We don't need everypony to do decorations, I can just do them myself!!" Pinkie chortled. Pinkie pulled out her patented Party Cannon™ and blasted fired. Somehow the cannon ignored all logic and spurted the decorations in just the correct spot. To anyone on earth this event might have put them in an asylum. But in Ponyville, everypony had just passed this of into the file of "Pinkie being Pinkie". Due everypony being so distracted by the coming of the princess, nopony seemed notice or hear the curses of our "favorite humanoid figure" as he flew across the sky towards Cantorlot. But in an unknown place (to the ignorant reader) a familiar draconequus was just reading a book "101 ways to cause chaos" until he heard a beeping sound. Pulling out a strange contraption from behind his back he chortled "Something chaotic is going to happen today". With that said he snapped his fingers and went back to his book. Jake's Pov Location: Who gives a fuck *Groan* Lying down on the ground (a concrete surface to be exact ) I try to get my head to function normally again but it's ringing louder then my alarm clock on a monday morning. OH, HELL NO. It's even worst... I can hear that torturous song. That song should be put on the FBI's most wanted list. As I continued groaning in agony I could only wonder one thing. What the hell is going on in my head anyway? Inside Zane's Head *Barney I Love You Song* "Sir, the brain is malfunctioning for some strange reason" The Boss looked around for a solution until he found one that would shock the entire world for its genius "Corporal, I suggest that you STOP RINGING THOSE GOD DAMNED BELLS IN HERE AND CONTINUE REPAIRING THE REST OF THIS BODY!!!!" "Sir, but how about the brain? Aren't we gonna fix that?" The body part in question started to make make groaning sounds. The corporal just pinched his forehead before responding, "It'll take a miracle to what's inside that head of his" *Rebooting* Ok, I got that problem dealt with but its time for the cliche question... Where the fuck am I? I know I am on Equestria, even I'm not that stupid but what is my approximate location? Like what state or country did I currently land in? And also, why does it look so dark in this place? [Try opening your eyes, mate -irritated Author] Opening my eyes, I sprung to my feet to see a magnificent castle in front of me. This castle was very big and I could at the moment see that It mostly had the colors white and yellow painting it. The strangest thing was the fact that part of this castle was over some kind of cliff but I was never the analyzing type so I didn't put much thought into it. However I did noticed some movements from inside the castle. What confused me was the fact that the figure seemed horse shaped. Out of curiosity, I started to walk towards the castle but I was stopped in my tracks by a voice behind me yelling "Hey furless ape, this is restricted area! Now you are going to come with me or suffer the consequences." Did he just call me a furless ape? That's it, time to give this guard a piece of my mind. Clenching my fists, I turned around preparing to send this guy flying into the next nebula when I see something that is horribly wrong. A tragedy of sorts. I see what appears to be some kind of horse in golden Armour somehow holding up a spear with its hoof while being balanced. How dafaq does this shit work?!?! Oh Fuck, why did I ever agree to that phoenix. He sent me to a world where apparently horses are the dominant species. Thinking back to the castle, I deducted that I must be on some kind of rich manor but all my clever thoughts were diminished when the guard continued to talk. "Furless ape you are to come with me or I will initiate force" the Guard ordered while somehow being balanced with one hoof in the air. I, being a long lost enemy of all sources of authority replied, adopting a British accent "Sorry my good sir, but getting "captured by guards" wasn't in my contract." With that being said I started to moonwalk right past the seemingly stunned guard and I made it about 6 ft until. "BACKUP REQUESTED: WE MUST CATCH THE APE!!!!" Idiot, this is Fucking Alpha. Yeah, Faggot, this is Jake. What's happening? Hostile contacts at twelve o'clock. Please advise. Copy that. Engage evasive maneuvers, we're GTFO. Jake, out. As I started to run, I realized the the guard was following me with the back up he requested. That's like 100 horses, I can't be that dangerous right? Suddenly mind went to the time that I accidentally destroyed part of the school. Don't look at me like that. I didn't know what mixing 2 highly dangerous chemicals would do. However, running along the path I soon reached the town part and there were more horses. And I think they were rich too but I didn't have time to dwell on this idea as a spear flew right past my head. After praying to every god I could think to I rushed into the town and like a horse Moses I parted the middle of the road/path. I was just running wildly flipping and doin cartwheels as I tried to avoid all the spears going past my head. There was panic as all the "rich" horses tried to run away from me but it wasn't doing any good. The guards were gaining on me and last time I checked horses are faster then humans so unless a miracle happened I was gonna get my head on a pike. I needed more speed and when I pushed myself to the something amazing occurred. I could feel some tingling inside my body and then suddenly everything around seemed to be going in slow motion. But then when I looked down at I saw that they were glowing blue. Are my electricomagnetism powers awakening? Yea, Electro=Lightining I wonder If I can fly out of here. Putting this thought to the test, I face my palms towards the ground and I try to push electricity through them. I am guessing my idea worked since I am in the air. To be exact about 1000 ft in the air. Oh yea, take this bitches. With my newly earned powers I think I became a fucking mlg god. LETS GOO!!! Maybe this deal wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. However, Murphy's law decided it was time to end my fun. My hands soon started sparking and electricity coursed through my entire body. I was feeling a little more then tingling so I attempted to release some energy from my system but noooo. The universe just has to screw things up. What I did achieve in doing was being the first human firework. Instead of getting rid of the energy, I generated a massive explosion which sent me once again flying to god knows where. "GEROMINO!!!!" They'll be talking about this for years to come, "The Great Firework Incident". "I could have helped you but this was too fun to pass up. Hahahaha" All I could give in response was a blank emotionless face. 3rd Pov The princess had arrived to make the announcement for the town. Everyone was looking forward to the "Celestia coming to Ponyville to give an announcement" party that would happen afterward. So all the ponies took their seats (on the ground) and looked up on stage to see that Celestia was on stage and ready to talk. "Hello my little ponies, I am here to annou-" and that was as far Celestia got until... "FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCKKKK!!!!" our favorite human was falling from the sky. All the ~~horses~~ ponies looked up to follow the source of the sound, which was a humanoid figure. Luck was not on Jake's side today because as he neared the ground he managed to bump into Celestia, knocking her of the stage. Once again Jake was the pony Moses, the ponies moving away from the place that was going to be crashing into. After the dust settled both sides take a look at the situation. Human: Knocked over white horse, standing in middle of colorful horses, location unknown, quite dizzy Ponies: bipedal figure, standing up, intentions unknown, just knocked down the princess "Boss, we have sustained massive injuries to brain, should we let him go on? I think it's a bad idea." "Corporal, I don't give 2 fucks about what you think. Just get online again. Against his will the Corporal, started to bring the body back online. 3rd Pov | Town Hall Jake however didn't have his brain working on full capacity so he wasn't acting normal. Checking around his surroundings all he could see were technicolor horses. But when he looked on stage he saw a white horse that looked different from the other ones. Jake being the dumbass he is, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind and this event would shock the minds of all of Equestria and the entire universe. "HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT AN ERECTION COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!" ... ... ... "Hehehehe" Author's Note This is what Drake looks like
I REBUKE THEE!!!Last Time on "Am I Losing My Sanity?" Jake being the dumbass he is, blurted out the first thing that came to his mind and this event would shock the minds of all of Equestria and the entire universe. "HOLY SHIT, YOU GOT AN ERECTION COMING OUT OF YOUR HEAD!!!!" ... ... ... "Hehehehe" Now Brain Reboot complete Jake rubbed his hands together and stated "Sorry for that random outburst but... are you a genetic mutation? You know, half pegasus and half unicorn?" The ponies were all shocked by this statement spoken by the strange creature as they all assumed that all would know what an Alicorn is. Celestia however was still pissed from when the human knocked her off stage so she rebutted "What are you strange ape?" "I'M NOT A FUCKING APE!!!!. I'm a human and my name is Jeff" our favorite human responded, clenching his fists. Gasps were heard all around the crowd, for there had been none brave (or dumb) enough to curse at the princess with no fear. The princess however kept her calm (and that barely unnoticeable eye twitch) in check and stated "I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria and mover of the sun." ... ... ... *Snort* "Bwahahahaha!!! Good one, princess. I can believe the ruler part but moving the sun is impossible. The earth orbits the sun. That's the way things work" the human responded confidently with a smirk on his face. "Then how do you explain this?" Celestia responds. Suddenly the Sun is moving across the sky in a rapid motion. Jake mesmerized by the event, lets his jaw drop, piercing the ground and hitting some unknown civilization. "How dafaq you doing that shit, horse lady?" Jake asks while dragging his jaw back up. "Magic" Celestia replies simply. "Magic doesn't exist." Well not on Earth at least. Cue yet another collective gasp from our audience of background ponies. Suddenly a floating cupcake appears in front of Jake and he turns to see that Celestia's horn is glowing. Jake realized that magic must exist in this world unlike Earth, so there was only one more option left for him to do... Jake somehow got out the "Holy Bible" and a Cross from behind his back. Backing up slightly he yelled out, "I REBUKE THEE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD!!!!" Unfortunately for him he didn't see any of God's judgement rain upon the white pony. All he saw were the angered and confused stares from the ponies that surrounded him while Celestia held an amused look on her face. Jake however just continued to moonwalk from the ponies holding his hands up in surrender. "Stop moving, strange one" Celestia ordered, with the amused smile still on her face. Jake stopped in his tracks (still holding the"Bible") and turned around slowly "Yes....?" "I see that you are not from this domain, for this is a new experience for you so I am willing to let all the disagreements between us pass and let you go". All the ponies had widened eyes in response as they were sure that this "thing" would have been killed on the spot, instantly because he had spoken "incorrectly" to royalty. With a traditional Japanese bow, Jake replied "I thank you for your generosity, crazy horse lady". Celestia replied "You are welcome "Human" but call us "ponies". "M'kay" then our hero ran off into the town to see what it had in store for him. All the ponies looked in the direction that the strange new creature had ran off too. Clearing her throat to get the ponies attention, Celestia began her speech [Which I was too lazy to right down -Author]. Jake's Pov That was weird. I just come here to learn that these ~~horses~~ ponies are the main sentiment beings on this planet. They have 2 beings from mythology that I can remember, Pegasi and Unicorns. Now that I think of it, it should make sense that there is magic here since Unicorn=Magic, right? However, I just want to confirm this so who better to ask then the "all powerful being" within me? "Drake, was all that white horse say was true?" "Yes, she is right. Magic does exist on this planet but ask questions later. I'm too busy organizing this crazy mess of a head you have at this moment *Beep* *Beep* *Call Has Disconnected What the fuck was an answering machine doing in my head? Meh, whatevs. That's future Jake's problem and last time I checked I'm not in the future. Anyways, as I walked around the town and took in the sights I notice that this town is a bit too "babyish". I see that pink is a very common color to see on these houses. On Earth I would say these houses are a mix between modern and classic (It's the straw roofs). I continued walking along the path until I spotted a store that looks like it came right out of "Hansel and Gretel", with the place decorated to look like a gingerbread house. I however did not take the risk of going inside the house cause with my luck Imay be the next one served for desert. Unfortunately, I do not have good navigation skills so somehow I ended up right back in the middle of the town. This walking made me tired so I decided to take a seat next to the statue and take a little nap. *Snore* I think this world is out to get me or something because I woke up to seeing a Wood-Wolf in front of me. I mean really, it was just staring right into my eyes. And growling too. But that breath though, it was worst then the smell of mystery meat served on Tuesdays (which I still think was a failed government experiment). Using my instincts, I bitch slapped that nigga outta my face. However, I got up to see that I was, well... kinda surrounded by 10 or so of these Wood-Wolves. I think I just slapped the Alpha by the way the others were sort of looking at me and "it". The Alpha got up and pointed it's wood-paw at me. Suddenly the Wood-Wolves are pounced towards me. I did my patented "crouch n' place head between knees' and hoped for the best. After several seconds passed, I realized that I wasn't becoming a gourmet entree so I uncovered my eyes and looked up to see a dome of blue electricity protecting me from the Wood-Wolves. I looked down to my hands to see that they were glowing electric blue. OH YEA, I'M A GOD ONCE AGAIN!!! Seeing that my electric powers were working at this moment, I decided to dispel the shield and fight these Wood-Wolves head on. Fight Scene Spotting three of the Wood-Wolves dive towards me, I decided to try out a move from "InFamous 2". "Gigawatt Blades" I spoke concentrating my electric energy into blades. Taking a fighting stance, I swung my blades into the Wood-Wolves and amazingly I cut though them just like butter. The remains of these guys fell down to the ground. However about 10 secs after this, I saw a green aura circle the bodies and a flash in front of my eyes. After the flash passed, I looked to see the same Wood-Wolves standing and boy, do they look pissed. Unfortunately, I was getting a little dizzy (which might be a side affect to this power) so, I had to finish of these "Woodies" fast. These "wolves" weren't giving me anytime to recover as I had to keeping moving or ducking to avoid being eaten by wood. I deactivated my "Gigawatt Blades" to save my energy and I tried to come up with a new strategy. "Eureka, MotherFucker!!" I exclaimed stopping in time to avoid a dive from a "Woodie". I could just use this other move from "InFamous2". Using my electricity to give me a boost, I jumped up about 30 feet in the air. Hehehe, dumb "Woodie", you should be running now. I then fell down towards the ground and in a small voice I muttered " Thunder Drop". Upon hitting the ground, I created a huge shockwave of electricity which blasted away the "Wood-Wolves" about 10 secs. Getting up and looking around, I started to see a familiar blackness cloud vision. Falling down to the ground, I spoke with little strength, "Ha, I won ". I got up to see that I was surrounded by a deep black space once more. I just thought "Let there be light" and it suddenly appeared. What the fuck was going on here? And where am I? "You my friend are inside your head. I call it, The Training Room" My ~~tormentor~~ "friend" appeared out of nowhere flying spreading his electric-light until he stopped right in front of me. "What the fucks, am I doing in here?" I wondered as I have never been into my own head before. "You have over exerted your power so you blacked out and appeared here. There are some rules that apply with your power. Don't over exert yourself above your level. This will lead to dizziness and of course, Unconsciousness. Practice, Practice, Practice. If you don't practice and get your powers under your complete control. you won't be able to stop random, uncontrollable pulses of energy.Also as a by product you will gain Electromagnetism Manipulation SUGAR. Your energy runs on the sugar that's in your body. When you run out of usable sugar in your body, the fuel for your powers will become your Life-Span. So that's the gist, any questions?" Do you really think, I was paying attention to all of this? If you think I was, you really must not really know me. While he was talking I was trying to get that scratch away from my balls. I caught the important stuff though, "Get sugar, Practice and exert yourself". "When the fuck do I get out of here?" I replied. Looking at a clock that suddenly appeared in mid air the ~~bitch~~ Phoenix replied, "Now". Grabbing me with his wings, the faggot threw me up into the air and widened his mouth engulfing me inside of it. I was however screaming like a ~~girl~~ manly man until I saw a light at the end of the tunnel at which that moment, I seemed to regain consciousness. Getting up from the ground, everything around me looked the same. The time was around the same (I didn't get that) The "Woodies" on the ground, me wondering what the fuck just happened and the widened eyes of hors-err ponies. Wait, WHAT!!! Clearing my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming, I still saw the ponies looking back and forth at me and the "Woodies". They kept this up for around a minute until they just directed their sight on me. What was I doing? I was playing with my thumbs until they made up their mind and started talking to me. I saw 6 particular ponies standing in front of the others. I, however am too lazy even describe them (and you should know who they are, right?). Seeing that the ponies were not going to be saying anything, I just said "Me and "Woodies" fought and I won". "Woodies?" a purple unicorn responded back to me. "You know, Wood+Wolf=Woodie" I responded. "Oh, you mean Timberwolves". So that's what they are called, okay kinda weird but I can accept that. Seeing that not a single pony had really moved yet I just had to ask, "Do you guys just stand still all day or nah? I think it's kinda creepy to be honest". My response from them however was a pink thing flying into my chest, sending me flying back into the base of the statue with a big "Oof!!". I look forward to see a pink ~~abomination~~ ~~monster~~ pony looking into my eyes with what has to be the biggest smile I've ever seen in my life. This is not totally creepy or whatever. I could practically hear the thoughts of the other ponies. "Pink pony is gonna get eaten by weird monster!!!" The tension was so thick I think I could cut it with a knife or maybe a machete. Yea, those things are co- Breaking my train of thought (and the tension) the "creepy pink thing" started speaking at near light speeds "hiwhatsyournamemynameispinkipiedoyoulikepar-mhhh!!!". I just covered her mouth since I didn't really care about listening to her rabble anymore. Speaking to her I said three things "1. The Name's Jake, 2. I'm ok with parties, and 3. Lay off the drugs". When I finished speaking ~~The Abomination~~ Pinkie just jumped super high of my chest and in the air and then exploded into pink particles while saying "Oki, Doki, Loki". Looking up into the sky and back the crowd of ponies (who have strangely stayed quiet this entire time) I just commented in a calm voice "I'm not getting paid enough for this shit". ... ... ... *Boom* Author's Note Me : You were never going to get paid anyway!!! Jake : Then how the FUCK did I get roped in this. Me : No telling *Throws Jake into the abyss*
Dafaq is this place?!?!?!Last time on "Am I Losing My Sanity?" Speaking to her I said three things "1. The Name's Jake, 2. I'm ok with parties, and 3. Lay off the drugs". When I finished speaking ~~The Abomination~~ Pinkie just jumped super high of my chest and in the air and then exploded into pink particles while saying "Oki, Doki, Loki". Looking up into the sky and back the crowd of ponies (who have strangely stayed quiet this entire time) I just commented in a calm voice "I'm not getting paid enough for this shit". ... ... ... *Boom* Jake's Pov Looking up to see that the pink demon had some how disappeared in mid-air, I looked back at the crowd for an explanation. "Just Pinkie Pie, being Pinkie Pie" they seemed to chorus in a monotone like voice. Not totally creepy or anything. "Are you guys gonna just stand there or are you guys gonna get on with your normal lives? It's not like am gonna hurt you guys."If you don't make me go insane first. Suddenly, life resumed as normal for the ponies (as normal as having a human around) but I noticed the purple unicorn from earlier walk towards me. "Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle" the unicorn spoke to me sticking her hoof outstretched towards me. How dafaq is that possible though? Bending down to returning the hoof/hand I replied "The name is Jake, the species Human and I am seriously hungry". My stomach growled at that moment as if to prove my point. Giggling, Twilight replied, "Well I can feed you at my place, just follow beside me". I just followed her, as I really had no knowledge of this weird fucked up world. Looking around to see the ponies do well, pony stuff I noticed everyone shifting away from my gaze. Ok, now that's just overdoing it, I thought as I saw a pony begin to barricade its house. "Twilight, are these ponies Ok? It's not like I'm gonna hurt them" I asked. "Well they are a little afraid of change" she replied. Suddenly I heard windows and doors being slammed shut down the path. "Yea, a little afraid" I replied. "They haven't seen anything like you before, though" she retorted. "So you aren't afraid of me?" I taunted showing my canines. "No..." she spoke with a little shudder. "Hahaha!!! I'm just playing with ya Sparklebutt" I chortled out. "Sparklebutt?" she asked with her head tilted towards me. "You know, the sparkle on your butt?" I confirmed. "Oh, you mean a cutie mark" she replied back. "A cutie what?" I asked. "A cutie mark represents your talent. They usually look like your talent, like someone who is good with baking would have an apron as a cutie mark. Do your species get cutie marks?" she explained/questioned. "No, we don't get "Cutie Marks" but we are good at several things and not just one thing. Like I am good at drawing and playing sports" I answered. I am also skilled in parkour, fucking with the police and disrupting order. And with that we apparently arrived at her house which was more like a tree actually. Wait... it was a TREE!!!! This has got to be one of the sickest houses ever. Imagine all the room inside, all the bananas I can eat and the secret undergr- "JAKE!!!" Twilight yelled out, ending my monologue in my head. "I have been calling you for the last 5 minutes, now come in". I followed her, not knowing that this day was gonna get a lot weirder. Entering the tree/home the first things I spot are books. Lots and lots of books. Enough to end the international nerd epidemic of the 2000s. I think I made the wrong choice coming here as books and I never seemed to understand each other face to face. Before I ran for the hills, I saw him. The only one who can save me from this mess. "SPYRO, PROTECT ME FROM THIS STRANGE UNICORN" I yell out diving towards him. He moved to the side and I received a slap from the wall. "Spyro" looked at me with a questioning stare and tiled his head sideways. "Spyro? I'm Spike the Dragon, personal ~~slave~~ assistant to Twilight Sparkle. And also what are you?" the newly named Spike asked. "I am a Human, a new creature from this world, lil' dude. By the way is this some kind of library, cause I'm seeing books everywhere." Spike with an annoyed look, just pointed at a sign that read "Golden Oak Library". What the hell? That sign was not there a second ago. Whipping my head back at Spike and where the sign was I realized that the sign had somehow disappeared from sight. I guess I'll add this in the "Weird Facts about Ponyland" section of my brain. Suddenly I felt my nerd senses tingling. Turning slowly I look behind me to see that Sparklebutt was now sporting a total nerd smile. You know, the big-ass smile, lips trembling at the edge, eyes wide open ready to take in information. You don't want to mess with them at this state. It could be deadly. "Have a seat, Jake" Twilight asked. I took a seat. "Now tell me,EVERYTHING about your species!" she demanded levitating a quill and notepad over to herself. I looked over to Spike for back-up. "Nope, your on you own dude" he spoke backing away from the area. hello sir, Nerd spotted at 12 o' clock what should we do, Alpha? initiate the "Secret Operation", sir initiating the very "Secret Operation" You may think that I should have gave this pony a chance, but there was one problem... How was I going to eat when I'm stuck a NERD LESSON?!?!?! Backing up to the door, I started to take the most logical choice that I should take in this situation... RUN!!!! *CRASH* Jumping out the window, I escaped the scene unfortunately attracting the attention of every pony in a 100 meter radius. I at this moment charged up the electricity within me to activate my new move... Lighting Boost. Moving at about 1/3 the speed of light I was out of the town in a flash and stopped in the middle of a field. Well I'm finally done with that shit, I thought. Digging into my pockets to keep out the chill, I felt something move around them. Slightly shivering, I started to pull out the foreign object out of my pocket. To my shock I ended up pulling out a certain ~~autistic~~ pink pony out of my pocket. Holding "it"in my hand we both just stared at each other with different expressions on our faces and absolute silence. I had a stotic, terminator-like expression while she was smiling without a care in the world. However, the smile started to chip away at my terminator smile (I could here "I'll be BACK!!!"). Grinning back at the pony I surprised Pinkie by placed her on my head. Hearing music in the background I took epic anime heroic pose I commanded "Lead me strange creature, to the place where I can overflow with food." "Oki doki loki!" the pony replied back to killing the moment. Pinkie pointed the way to food heaven with a hoof and I "Lightning Boost" us back into the town of misery, fools and mentally insane ponies. Making it back into the town, Pinkie stopped us in front of a familiar sight... the dreaded "Gingerbread House". I just suddenly started to get the shivers from the place but I didn't mention it. I mean, I have to man up for mankind and show these ponies just what kind of badas- "Come in!!!" Pinkie yelled back to me with half her body already inside the shop. "M'kay" I replied walking towards the shop cautiously while holding the "Holy Bible" in my hands once more. I'm gonna be prepared for whatever this pony throws at me. ... ... ... "SURPRISE!!!" I saw way more ponies then what should have been possible inside the shop and food, more food and even more food!!! Looking up, I saw a blue and red banner that read "Welcome to Ponyville, Strange Creature". I was about to comment on the banner when I saw a pitchfork being thrown at me, dodging I quickly let out a bolt of electricity that stunned the poor fellow. That was when I saw that almost all of the ponies had pitchforks. My limited brain gave me only 2 options... 1. Run like a bitch 2. Get the food I chose nonexistent Option 3 and jumped over the huge mass of ponies, grabbed as many foodstuffs as I could then hightailed it out of there bobbing and weaving to dodge the various objects being thrown at me. However I could hear in the distance "I TOLD YOU NO PITCHFORKS!!!" nice to see that the pink one is supporting me. "Yeah, I need a LIVE test subject". Now that, didn't sound too good to me. ... ... ... Note #1 : Never go to a party in Ponyville. It's for your own sake.
