Fallout: Equestria – Hold the Pineapple (Audio Files)by ComicSansPonyChaptersAudio Log #001: Pickle Barrel, KumquatAudio Log #002: Act NaturalAudio Log #003: The DeliveryAudio Log #005: SnoopingAudio Log #007: AugurAudio Log #008: Nightmares & VoicesAudio Log #010: The End of the DelusionAudio Log #010.5: Pineapple Calzone Gets Eighty-SixedEpilogue: 210 Years Later – Bait, Set, TrapAudio Log #000: Alert the Ministry of MoraleAudio Log #004: Bad DreamsAudio Log #006: Troubled WatersAudio Log #009: ProselytizeAudio Log #001: Pickle Barrel, Kumquat\**//CLICK\**// (Pumpkin Cake) –with your magic and it will start recording. Pull it again and it will stop. It is discreet enough to look like your just adjusting it. Your tasked with sweeping for MoM bugs, right? Y-yeah. It is one of the few tasks they trust me to preform. Linguine and Ravioli also do it...so even if I don’t check my tie, they might. Why are MoM bugs so easy to detect anyways? (Pumpkin Cake) That way they are found, but not the ones that aren't easy to detect. **sigh** Its Pinkie Pie logic, but it makes sense. Before you ask, the one in your tie is the undetectable kind. There is a hidden port on the back that can connect to a terminal or pipbuck. Ok. (Pumpkin Cake) Just record any meeting. If you can get them to admit anything that’s fantastic, but don’t force anything. Act natural, be yourself. Thank you for doing this for me cuz. (Pumpkin Cake) I hope it helps. I have sneaking suspicion others in the MoM are taking bribes to keep the Calzones clean and clear. I hope I’m wrong, but with the evidence your getting we can try to stop any more shady deals. What do I do if they ask about my sudden accessory? (Pumpkin Cake) Say it was a gift from a cousin. Not false, but true enough to pass a lie detection spell. What if they probe my memory? (Pumpkin Cake) The MoM has all the unicorn capable of advanced memory spells on staff. So if they do, the Calzones are in deeper than we thought. Then we are both as good as dead. **gulp** Roger dodger. Oh and just in case lets make a code word to confirm our identities when we meet up. I hear they employ a shape shifter named Eighty-Six. (Pumpkin Cake) Shape Shifter….like...like a changeling? I don’t know. (Pumpkin Cake) It would be safer if we talked thought messages only from here on out, but just in case….hhmmm….You’ll say “Pickle Barrel” and I’ll reply with “Kumquat”. Is that a Pinkie Pie thing? (Pumpkin Cake) **sigh** Yeah, but it makes so little sense it is hard for anypony to pick up on it. **magic sound** here let me help you put it on. O-ok. (Pumpkin Cake) You can also delete the first recording, it is just us talking. S-so I pull on this to st– \**//CLICK\**// Audio Log #002: Act Natural\**//CLICK\**// **deep breath** I gotta act calm, natural...don’t draw suspicion. If she asks, I was out with some old college friends. **door opening** Honey I’m home! **door closing** (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** You’re home late, I don’t have dinner ready yet, though. While you wait, my father wants to talk to you the study. **gulp** Th-Three Cheese Calzone is hear? (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** Oh come now, we are family, no need to be so formal. You act as if he eats ponies, he doesn’t bite. **hyperventilating** I should shut it off. I was just gonna test it at dinner. (Three Cheese Calzone) Test what at dinner? **panicked yelp** Uh...um...a new cake recipe...for um...my old namesake. (Three Cheese Calzone) While I do enjoy Pineapple Upside-down Cake, whatever my daughter makes will be lovely. Perhaps you can try the recipe at the party next week. Now come, let's talk in private. **30 seconds of trotting**door opening**door closing**Magic sound** (Three Cheese Calzone) No need to scan for bugs, I’ve already seen to that. **magic stops** Wh-what did you want to discuss? (Three Cheese Calzone) By now you no doubt noticed we’ve been giving you small tasks as a way to geige if we can trust you or not. Y-you don’t trust me? (Three Cheese Calzone) As a father-in-law, yes, as long as you make my daughter happy, but as a businesspony I wanted to ensure you were the best fit for our company. And? (Three Cheese Calzone) Jury’s still out, but the pinks snatched two of my best delivery guys and I need somepony else to pick up a very important package. It arrives tomorrow evening. This p-package, it is zebra chems, weapons, infiltrators? \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// Th-that was a j-joke. Heh. (Three Cheese Calzone) **jubilant laughter** **nervous laughter** (Three Cheese Calzone) You Haywiians have such an interesting sense of humor. **clears throat threateningly** No, no, our business is with EAST Corp. My nephew speaks very highly of their terminals. He says they are better than Stable-Tec’s in a number of ways. I need you to pick up the shipment. I can do that, y-yes. (Three Cheese Calzone) Good, good. I like your spirit. Perhaps you could be a good fit for our company after all. (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** Dad, Piney, Dinner’s ready! (Three Cheese Calzone) We’ll talk more after dinner. \**//SILENCE\**// (Three Cheese Calzone) Nice bowtie, it looks good on ya. Where’d you get it? **gulp** Uh...it was a gift from a cousin. (Three Cheese Calzone) Which cousin? Oh...um...it was...Red...Velvet...Yes, Red Velvet. (Three Cheese Calzone) Well I’ll have to ask her who her tie guy is. Hold on, it's crooked. **Magic sound** Oh, I can ge– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note the EAST Corp thing is a reference to EAST Corp Productions' various audio dramas, It is referenced without permission, so any use of the company is not canon with their universe. Audio Log #003: The Delivery\**//CLICK\**// -alm, I’m calm. It's just a normal pickup and delivery job. Three Cheese is even paying me. **gulp** I really hope it is nothing illegal. (Pepperoni Calzone) You done counting kid? Trust me, everything is here. A-and EAST Corp won’t miss these computers. (Pepperoni Calzone) Don’t worry about it. But shouldn’t I...you know, know the story incase the pinks stop me or...um something. (Pepperoni Calzone) **sigh** I miss the old...just don’t panic and avoid main roads. O-ok there are six terminals? Right? (Pepperoni Calzone) It's one, in several parts. Tell Three Cheese, if he wants more he may need to approach EAST sale department. Wait….these are stolen? (Pepperoni Calzone) shshshshshshsh, misplaced. It happens all the time, counts are off. Things got put on the wrong truck. Happens all the time. Honest mistake. Now get going. I need to deliver the rest of these or I’ll be fired. **galloping, panting, chariot sounds for several minutes** Fuck **pant** fuck **pant** I was just the accomplice in a theft. I can’t just not deliver them now, but what if Pumpkin can’t get me immunity. I could still go down for this. (Unknown mare) You’ll be fine. Wh-who's there? (Unknown mare) It's Pumpkin. P-Pickle Barrel. (Pumpkin Cake) Kumquat. **sigh of relief** What are you doing here? (Pumpkin Cake) Just looking out for my favorite cousin, your immunity is secure. What have you got in the truck. A terminal from E-EAST Corp. Might not be legit. (Pumpkin Cake) Hmmm, I don’t know if it will be enough. The pony who gave you this might go down for larceny, but we need something to get big Three Cheese. So take it to him as asked. H-how did you find me? (Pumpkin Cake) That tie has a tracker and is constantly sending your heart rate and location. If I receive an increased heart rate or none at all I know your in trouble and I can swoop in. \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// (Pumpkin Cake) Tonight I just got a small increase in your heart rate and was seeing if you were ok. Don’t worry, I’ll be there before we get no heart rate. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. You’re not gonna die on my watch. D-do you have any leads on Eighty-Six? If you manage to catch him I’ll feel a lot safe. (Pumpkin Cake) Shapeshifters are hard to find, and I can’t spare much resources...this operation is off the books for now. I’ll do what I can. Thanks, but unless I r-really am in danger. Can you let me know before you drop in. I w-was given a gun….I may have used it. (Pumpkin Cake) Noted. And your tie is crooke– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note any comment I had for here contained spoilers, no you get this note instead. Audio Log #005: Snooping\**//CLICK\**// **door opening** Honey I’m home! **door closing** Honey? \**//SILENCE\**// Veggie? \**//SILENCE\**// **distant murmuring** **hyperventilating** ok, ok, no need panic. **minute of unsure hoofsteps**more distant murmuring** (Three Cheese Calzone) You understand we have very impatient buyers here in Equestria. (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** I get it, but the Equestrian Naval Blockade makes it hard for our vessels to get through. (Three Cheese Calzone) You Atori are the best equines on the seas, you can’t get past a simple blockade? You are in the Calzone Family now. Calzones never give up. GET ME THOSE MINT-ALS! (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** Then give me a better cut. Equestrian bits have a decreased value in exchange since the war began, less so after nightmare moon came to power. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ever wonder how you got your position? (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** My brother Xantish died. We have the same connections. Why? (Three Cheese Calzone) Allow me to correct the record. Old Zan wasn’t meeting quota and I had him eighty-sixed. You’re farther behind than he ever was AND asking to get a larger cut? **muffled gasp** \**//SILENCE\**// (Three Cheese Calzone) Razukin, I didn’t quite hear your response. (Razukin) *tinny sounding**Accented** I’ll have them in Equestria by nightfall. (Three Cheese Calzone) Now that's what I like to hear. For the inconvenience your cut is now 5%. (Razukin) *tinny sounding**Accented** You can’t– (Three Cheese Calzone) I can, now talk to you soon. **phone hanging up sound** **hoofsteps**Door opening**gasp**scared hoofsteps** (Three Cheese Calzone) Hello? Oh, uh, Hi Three Cheese. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ah Pineapple, just the pony I was looking for. I have another delivery for you to make this evening. I hope you’re free, yeah you’re free. You don’t have a thing against stripes, do you? N-no. (Three Cheese Calzone) Right, you Marewaiins were doing trade with them long before Equestria ran on coal, such a silly question. So a family member who happens to be visiting from Zebraca. Yes I know, strange time for a visit from Equestria’s enemy, but he has some important tribal gifts from his land that customs over at the MoM won’t like. So I hope you don't get seasick. I don’t. W-well I’ve never been on a boat. (Three Cheese Calzone) Didn’t you come on one from Marewaii? Right, I’ve only been on one once so it's hard to tell. (Three Cheese Calzone) I think you’ll be fine. Hmm your tie is crooked again. I have this tie guy in Canterlot who can get you much better tie. Blue is so garish compared to your coat color. I’m fine, I like this bow tie...it m-matches my eyes. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ah well, to each their own. Let me fix it so you look like less of smuck. **magic sound** No its– Author's Note finally getting a new chapter out... Audio Log #007: Augur\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// **steady beep of a heart monitor** (Unknown Pony) There, good as new. I swear if I have to fix another one of these for the rest of eternity, it will be too soon. Huh...what? Where am I? What happened? Who are you? (Unknown Pony) Hmm..no when or why question? No matter. I fixed your recorder. Manehatten General. I’m not sure, according to your chart you washed up on the shore. And lastly, you may call me Higgs. It's not time to tell my story. Y-you fixed it? You know what it is? P-pickle barrel. (Higgs) Ha, guess I should play along. Kumquat. Yes, clever hiding it in a tie. Things have come along way, haven’t they? You have a part to play in all this, I’m just helping make it happen. Can’t stray from the right path again. Ok, now I’m confused. (Higgs) Oh, don’t worry your little head, Pineapple. It's nothing of your concern. I’m sure you’ll just eighty-six your part. (Unknown pony) **faint as if the blowing of the wind** Not with what is mine. Wh-what was that? (Higgs) Just a grouchy bug, it's not her time yet. Wait, the..um...Tribal gifts? (Higgs) You were found alone, but they’ll turn up. I just know it. Now I must be going, gotta send a DJ a message. Want your bowtie back? Y-yeah. **magic sound** (Higgs) And here I thought only unicorn’s did magic. Adieu. **receding hoofsteps**Odd faint swishing sound**Door slamming shut** **Door opening** (Veggie Calzone) Piney, oh I’m so glad your ok. **kissing sounds** Yeah, honey I’m alright. (Veggie Calzone) When father told me what happened I was in a panic. I couldn't live without you. Your my precious love bug. Your what? (Veggie Calzone) **clearing throat** I’ll talk to my father about not sending you out on such dangerous family business, but I’m glad your fitting in. F-fitting in greeeeaat. (Veggie Calzone) Here, let me help you put your tie back on. No, I got– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note Wonder who Higgs is? How can Pineapple, who is an earth pony in the cover art, do magic? All shall be revealed eventually. Audio Log #008: Nightmares & Voices\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// I-I had another bad dream. I know I shouldn’t use this as diary, I know it serves a purpose. It will bring an end to the terror of the Calzones, but I fear my mental state is their doing...somehow. The dreams have become more vivid. I felt the blood of every kill this entity I am in the dreams made. More importantly I have one recurring dream of the entity. I’ve had it almost every night since that boat trip where I nearly drowned. I’m...well the entity...is tasked with some mission. It goes to a city out east. I think it is Hoofington. All I know is it emanates a feeling coldness. Something this creature is able to sense that a normal pony might not notice. It's important to note the creature can fly because the dream usually starts with it landing in the city. It flashes, as dreams often do to some meeting...an ambush of some kind. The creature I am in these dreams is captured….something that never happens in any of the other dreams. Then...then a pony in a pinstripe suit enters the room. The pony gives me the same vibe Three Cheese does. All he does is smile. Then it flashes to...to...unspeakable things. \**//SILENCE\**// I’m not just talking torture, though there was plenty of that. Lets just say I know this creature is female. Even with all the senseless kills she has done, she does not deserve the treatment these ponies give her. Then I wake up. Always in a cold sweat. So I haven’t gotten very much sleep. It brings me to the other thing. Since the accident I’ve been hearing faint voice...as if just a trick of the wind...telling me to do things. Usually kill ponies...but other things too. I try to ignore it. I think it's just the sleep deprivation from the nightmares. (Unknown pony) **faint as if the blowing of the wind** Just believe your delusion, for now. I’m not hearing that, its just in my head. \**//SILENCE\**// I’m gonna bring this to Veggie in the morning. She’ll know what to do. I think she is the only Calzone I can trust. Think she’d flip on her father if I brought her into my investigation? \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//CLICK\**// Audio Log #010: The End of the Delusion\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// **hyperventilating** Ok, ok, ok I know this is crazy. Sorry, Pumpkin for again using this a diary. I’ve lost time. Like I told Veggie about the voices and the dreams...then nothing. If the calendar is to be believed, I’ve been out a week. **hyperventilating** Worse still, I know why. I listened to a recording I must have taken at Dr. Proselytize’s office. He’s a psychiatrist working for the MoP. Veg recommended him. Oh Luna no. He put me unconscious. He conspired with Three Cheese. He’s a Calzone. I’m, I’m being gaslighted for some reason. I need to know why. **hyperventilating** I-I...um, I have a gun. Small caliber, 1 bullet. I’m not shooting to kill, injure maybe. If he won’t answer my questions. I can’t believe it has come to this. **gulp**magic sound** **minute of trotting**door slamming open** Three Cheese! Sh-show yourself! You’ve got some questions to answer! (Veggie Calzone) Piney? What’s wrong? Veg, where is your father? (Veggie Calzone) Caldonia for business. We are meeting him there tomorrow. Please, put the gun down. Let’s talk like civil ponies. Civil ponies don’t get in bed with Equestria’s enemy. Civil ponies don’t import and sell illicit drugs. Civil ponies don’t brainwash ponies! (Veggie Calzone) My love, please. There is more to this then you know. You say you love me, but how do I know it's real. Dr. Proselytize, whom you recommended ,did something to me. How do I know what’s real anymore?! (Veggie Calzone) You do love me, I do love you. That is real. I made sure that remained after. After what? (Veggie Calzone) Hoofington. **BWOOOOOOOOOOM**Lound rolling rumble**Shattering of glass**single gun shot** (Veggie Calzone) EAhhh! **thud** No Veggie! Nononononononononono. I didn’t mean to. (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** Its ok love bug **cough** I forgive you. **cough**sob** I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t play out this way. V-Veggie… **tink**tink**tink** **trotting on broken class** (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** You went to Hoofington. **cough** Yes, you were delivering research on **cough** megaspells to a zebra contact. **sob** You saw it as a way to **cough**wince** to end the war. **coughing fit** C.A.R.E. What? (Veggie Calzone) Communally Assured Reciprocal Existence. **cough**cough**wince**sob** That way we could be together. **sob**sniffle** Away from my father and his **cough** vile organization. **through tears** Who was I? (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** You were the most beautiful pony I ever saw. **cough**cough**cough**sob** A changeling. Assassin of the Calzones. **sob** More than just the way changelings feed. **cough** True love. Ch-changeling? (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** My sweet love bug. **cough** Eighty-Six. **long exhale of breath** **though tears** Veggie? No...I’m sorry. \**//FEEDBACK\**// Author's Note not the end of the log, but the feedback goes on long enough that whomever is editing the log in the future cut it in half. Audio Log #010.5: Pineapple Calzone Gets Eighty-Sixed\**//FEEDBACK\**// (Eighty-Six) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. My lovely morsel wouldn’t want that of us. Huh? (Eighty-Six) You know what I mean. (Pumpkin Cake) chin up cousin. So that means the investigation wasn’t real? (Pumpkin Cake) Unfortunately not, memories borrowed from me were used to make the persona of Pineapple. So I’ve been kicking around in here too. Guess I was some coping mechanism. I have no clue what I’m talking about. (Dr. Proselytize) That’s my doing. I used a bit of my own memories to try to stabilize the imprint after it started fracturing. Looks like it did more harm than good. Yeah, I’m talking to myself. **sniffle** (Eighty-Six) So what now? I don’t know. **sob**sniffle** I just wanted answers and now Veggie is gone. (Dr. Proselytize) Well if that explosion was what I think it was, Equestria is gone too. (Pumpkin Cake) Not really helping Doc. (Dr. Proselytize) Well that green glow is baelfire radiation. If we don’t get some radaway soon we’ll be as dead as Mrs. Calzone. I’m not strong enough. **sniffle** Maybe I should just die here. (Eighty-Six) You might not be, but I am. And I have a goal. What? (Eighty-Six) The Calzones must die. They sent me into an ambush. Yeah they rescued me, but then they stripped me of who I was because I was a liability. I know the Cazones took care of King Pin, but the Calzones are just as bad...they took his underlings in. And Three Cheese made the order to make you. They all will pay for what they did to me. This will be the only time I ever ask nicely for something: May I have my body back? But, killing is bad. Can’t we just arrest them? (Eighty-Six) Sometimes you need to kill for the greater good. My vendetta aside, the calzones are not good ponies, zebras and the like. The Equestria– (Dr. Proselytize) I believe it would be a wasteland now. (Eighty-Six) The Wasteland would be better off without them. Knowing them they had a contingency for armagedom. The Calzones are like cockroaches. This won’t stop them. Fine, but only kill Calzones...er...or other bad ponies. (Eighty-Six) I get the feeling you won’t let me do anything otherwise. First true love and now a conscience. If Chrysalis could see me now. Ok then. \**//SILENCE\**// **now sounding like Eighty-Six** Yeah, Doc Prosely was right I should get out of the city. **gagging sound** Sorry, Pineapple, but I don’t like your choice of accessories. **magic sound**snap**magic sound** Don’t worry, my morsel, I will see you to a proper re– \**//FEEDBACK\**// **OUT OF SPACE** \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note awe man I'm on a role with these. 3 in one night. Time for the epilogue. Epilogue: 210 Years Later – Bait, Set, Trap“OUT OF SPACE!” the terminal blared, the warning capping off a rather odd series of audio logs. The room sat in silence for a moment. The only sound coming from the rain outside and the sentinel, Spicy Meatball, scanning for hostiles. “That's it?” the canterlot ghoul asked in bafflement, his rasping voice echoing in the small, empty room. “You expecting something else, Bitty Boy?” a condescending, robotic voice answered. “I was very entertained. I always wondered what happened to the Changeling bitch. I would have never thought to imprint a constructed consciousness into another pony. That Dr. Proselytize was a sadistic genius.” “It’s horrifying,” the ghoul rasped in disgust. “It's the Calzone Crime Family, Binary Bit!” The robotic voice intoned, “Fucked up shit is our MO. Case and point: me, myself, and I.” “Ok, ok, ok.” Binary Bit conceded, “Better question: Vial, why is this here?” “A terminal in the middle of nowhere, wasteland that broadcasts a Calzone safe house signal? Then upon entry plays the collected ramblings of a killer’s alter-ego?” Vial asked sarcastically. “I’d normally say raiders, but this is too smart for them.” There is a pregnant pause as the computer genius and the incapacitated, robotic sociopath contemplate the implications. “Fuck.” Binary shouted. “We need to get out of here, now!” Vial agreed, “Come on Spicy, get moving.” “You’re not going anywhere.” a female voice echoed in the room, followed by the cocking of a gun. “HOSTILE DETECTED!” Spicy announced a moment too late. “Ah, I see you brought a gun to a robot fight.” Vial quipped. “LOCKING ON TARGET!” Spicy responded. “Sixers, we got heavy artillery!” the female called out to her allies. FWOOOSH! BOOM! FWOOOSH! BOOM! A pair SATS guided missile enters into the room exploding in the side of the sentinel. “MAMA MIIIIAaaaa!” the robot called out as it powered down from the damage. “Whelp, there goes our big guns.” Binary lamented, regretting not having his own weapon, “Can’t say it was nice knowing you, Vial.” “Cut the crap Eighty” the sentient augments attached to a lifeless, and limbless corpse called out to the changeling, “Binary isn’t a Calzone. You just want me….well and Spicy Meatball, but I think he’s down for the count.” “Binary, Binary, hmmm.” Eighty-Six mused, looking over a list, not taking her gun off the two ponies. “Not in any of my records from wartime or wasteland, but the Calzones are ever expanding.” “No, he’s right. I’m not a Calzone. I’m a computer programer from Canter–from Recurrence.” Binary added, “I just got so fascinated by the secrets of the Calzones that I decided to look into them. I had no Idea they were still around. I just used Vial as a database for Calzone strongholds.” “Vial, Vial, Vial….alias of Fix'n Snitch. Calzone fixer. Vanished near the end of the war. Somepony told me he died at the end of something on the radio. Knew I should have double checked.” “Hehe, I did...twice. Long story.” Vial laughed. “If I may, Eighty-Six, Vial is defenseless. His augments, which house his soul, for lack of a better compassion, are attached to a pony corpse. He is worth more in this state than dead if you hope to truly wipe out the Cazones.” Binary suggested to the stubborn changeling. “Sixers, stand down.” Eighty-Six called out and was answered by a few ‘Yes Ma’ams.’ “I find out you’re lying and you get eighty-sixed, you get me?” “Loud and clear.” Binary sheepishly agreed, “Can you fix Spicy? He might be useful too. Robots are so rarely fighting on the side of ponies in the wastes.” “Turing, see if you can get their bot working again.” Eighty commanded, “Can you can change the name and personality too? I’m not a fan of Italipone.” “Yes Ma’am!” a lanky pony mare with a grey on grey color pallet, known as Turing Test, replied pulling out her tools and getting to work. “Now Binary, Vial,” Eighty-Six began, sneering at the mention of the vile pony’s pseudonym, “we have much to discuss.” “I do have one question before we begin. That Higgs fellow, who was he? He seemed to know more then he let on.” Binary asked the incredulous changeling. “Its complicated. I did meet him again a few years back while I was traveling with a storyteller. Still a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma.” She replied nonchalantly. “Care to elaborate?” Binary pressed. “Well as an old friend was fond of saying: that is a story for another day.” She replied cryptically, winking at no pony in particular, “Today we talk Calzones.” Author's Note Did I just tie this in into The Storyteller – A Fallout: Equestria Lore Series? Yes, I just did. Let me know if you catch any spelling, grammar or tense errors....third person is not my forte. Audio Log #000: Alert the Ministry of Morale\**//CLICK\**// If you are hearing this, I’m dead and I know who killed me: The Calzone Crime Family. I can prove it...or at least point the investigation into my death in the right direction. \**//SILENCE\**// Right...I should establish why my death is so important. My name is Pineapple Upside-down Cake...sorry that was my name. I married a year ago to a pony named Veggie Calzone. I was convinced to legally change my name to Pineapple Calzone. I thought they were a family of pizza makers. Pineapple might not be a typical pizza topping, but I like pizza with pineapples….actually I like pineapples on many odd things. Anyways I was wrong, I don’t think Veggie intentionally deceived me, but I didn’t find out her family's true line of work until a week after our marriage. Then it was too late. I was a Calzone. Under fear of death or worse I was forced to go along with their schemes. Smuggling things from the Zebra Lands to Equestria. Smuggling things **gulp** from the Equestria to the Zebra Lands. The Calzones are traitors to Equestria, Traitors to the Ceasar. They only exist for the pursuit of money and power. They hold no allegiance. The straw that broke the pony's back was giving meagaspells to the zebras. Fuck! They gave our enemy the means to wipe us all out. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut after that. My second cousin, twice removed, Pumpkin Cake works closely with Pinkie Pie. It was with her help I became an informant for the MoM. If it is not her hearing this, find her or Pinkie. Tell no pony else. I don’t know who else you can trust. Hell I don’t even trust you...though I don't know you so... \**//SILENCE\**// Unless you are Pumpkin or her brother Pound...or her parents... I’ve set it up that this and all the recordings I’ve made are sent to Pumpkin’s terminal if I don't cancel the command every day. The only reason I’d not cancel it...is if I were killed. Even if it appears to be natural causes, it isn’t. The Calzones have their ways of making a death look like an accident. Fix’n Stitch was their best fixer, but he is busy with something in Ponyville. They’ll likely send another. Maybe Eighty-Six...he is apparently a master of disguise. If he isn’t you, he could be anyone or anything. If this is Pumpkin...I’m sorry for getting you involved. Luna save us all… \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note and so a fic that tells more about the mysterious Calzone Crime Family. Audio Log #004: Bad Dreams\**//CLICK\**// **magic turning on water faucet ** running water ** magic turning off water faucet ** loud slurping ** gulp **heavy breathing ** It was only a dream. It had to be. I–I would never. I could never. \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// Could I? Could I kill ponies? I know Pumpkin wouldn’t want me using this thing as an audio diary, but this might be some kind of mind control magic. That has to be illegal, right? **deep breath** I had a bad dream...at least I think it was a dream. I was killing ponies, zebras, griffons, yaks, minotaurs, centaurs...all manor of creatures. I slaughtered every one of them and they didn’t know it was me. Their shocked faces are burned into my mind. The scariest part was how I felt: Nothing. I was an emotionless killing machine. I didn’t feel pain, remorse, sadness, or anger. It was like viewing a memory orb. It was terrifying. The worst part was I somehow felt that is was me, but I’d never kill anypony. I can barely hurt a fly. I prefer to capture and release them outside the house. But that brings me back to mind control magic. The Calzones have all manor of spell caster in their employ. They might have one willing to bend the wills of others. I’d see if Pumpkin could find out, but she said this investigation is off the books...and this is just a theory. **sigh** I’m on my own. Once I have something to get Three Cheese arrested or at least something to start the process, I can bring up the possibility of mind control. I just hope it won’t be too late and I’m not really killing creatures. I’ll keep monitoring my dreams and see if maybe it is just stress. This investigation is really stressful. The Cazones must be stopped...I can’t be shaken by dreams. \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note hmm...bad dreams.... Audio Log #006: Troubled Waters\**//CLICK\**// **slow constant sloshing of water** Ok, ok, I’m ok. I’m just receiving likely illegal Tribal gifts from the Zebra Lands. Equestria’s enemy...n-no big deal. **hyperventilating** **rushing water as a boat breaks the surface** Sweet Celestia! **splashing as the boat lands on the water surface** (Razukin) **Accented** Well, I’m here. What? The bastard couldn't even show himself? N-no, just me. (Razukin) **Accented** Waste of the price of the damned shaman. I risked censure for this! I’m P-Pineapple C-Calzone. (Razukin) **Accented** Pineapple in a calzone? Yuck. Don’t ever introduce yourself to a Tappahani. Hehe. So...um you got the stuff? The...uh..T-Tribal Gifts? (Razukin) **Accented** Right, right. Mustn't stay too long. **thud**thud**thud** (Razukin) **Accented** There, hopefully that will be enough for your employer. F-Father-in-law. (Razukin) **Accented** Whatever. So this is it? **slowly approaching boat sounds** (Razukin) **Accented** Yes, the drug is regulated as much in my lands as in yours. It is better to ship in parts and combine at the destination. Your employer has ponies and stripes capable of making the drug for the pink one. (Unknown Pony) **magically enhanced** WHO GOES THERE!? (Razukin) **Accented** Shit a patrol! Waxren, instruct the currents to get us to shore. What?! **Splush**Sloosh**Splush** **incomprehensible gargling of water** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//STATIC\**// **ERROR**REMAINDER CORRUPT**ERROR** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//STATIC\**// \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note Anypony confused about the Zebra Shaman stuff, read Homelands. I borrow from that for the lore of Zebras. Audio Log #009: Proselytize\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// (Dr. Proselytize) So, Mr. Calzone. Pineapple. (Dr. Proselytize) So, Pineapple, your wife tell me you’ve had trouble sleeping? Y-yeah. I’ve been having strange dreams and… (Dr. Proselytize) And what? And I’ve been hearing voices. (Dr. Proselytize) Voices? I know I sound crazy, but I hear this faint voice on the breeze. It tell me to do things. (Dr. Proselytize) Mmhmm, I see. What does it tell you to do? Kill ponies. (Dr. Proselytize) Are you considering acting upon these suggestions? No! I’d never kill a pony. (Dr. Proselytize) Good, good. So about the dreams? I’ve had the dreams for a few months now. I’m this cold and calculated killer. Slaughtering thousands. More recently there is one where She– (Dr. Proselytize) It's a she? Yes. She is captured by someponies up in the Hoof and….violated in unspeakable ways. (Dr. Proselytize) Are you the one violating or being violated? I’m...her. (Dr. Proselytize) Well it's probably just wartime stress disorder. It's a fairly common affliction in these troubled times. I believe there is an opening for treatment this afternoon. If that’s alright? Y-yeah. If you think it's the best course of action. (Dr. Proselytize) Fantastic. Happy to help you get through this Pineapple. Is there anything else troubling you? Yes actually. I met a strange pony and he told me I’m an earthpony. (Dr. Proselytize) Well, you are. So why does this bother you? **magic sound** (Dr. Proselytize) Oh my that is not good. **magic discharge sound** **thud** (Dr. Proselytize) I was wrong, Pineapple, we can’t wait for this afternoon. The conditioning appears to be faltering. Probably a problem with the personality. That accident you had didn’t help. Wwff arw woo doeng? (Dr. Proselytize) Helping you. **magic sound** Oof, your time as Pineapple has made you heavy. **Several minutes of trotting** (Three Cheese Calzone) Was it as we feared? (Dr. Proselytize) Yes. She’s remembering and she’s been using magic, but is not facing the trauma in any way that would let me recommend not imprinting her again. (Three Cheese Calzone) Then do it. Make sure HE doesn't revert again. She has secrets that we must keep. (Dr. Proselytize) Will do Mr. Calzone, sir. **magic sound** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note The plot doth thicken.
Audio Log #001: Pickle Barrel, Kumquat\**//CLICK\**// (Pumpkin Cake) –with your magic and it will start recording. Pull it again and it will stop. It is discreet enough to look like your just adjusting it. Your tasked with sweeping for MoM bugs, right? Y-yeah. It is one of the few tasks they trust me to preform. Linguine and Ravioli also do it...so even if I don’t check my tie, they might. Why are MoM bugs so easy to detect anyways? (Pumpkin Cake) That way they are found, but not the ones that aren't easy to detect. **sigh** Its Pinkie Pie logic, but it makes sense. Before you ask, the one in your tie is the undetectable kind. There is a hidden port on the back that can connect to a terminal or pipbuck. Ok. (Pumpkin Cake) Just record any meeting. If you can get them to admit anything that’s fantastic, but don’t force anything. Act natural, be yourself. Thank you for doing this for me cuz. (Pumpkin Cake) I hope it helps. I have sneaking suspicion others in the MoM are taking bribes to keep the Calzones clean and clear. I hope I’m wrong, but with the evidence your getting we can try to stop any more shady deals. What do I do if they ask about my sudden accessory? (Pumpkin Cake) Say it was a gift from a cousin. Not false, but true enough to pass a lie detection spell. What if they probe my memory? (Pumpkin Cake) The MoM has all the unicorn capable of advanced memory spells on staff. So if they do, the Calzones are in deeper than we thought. Then we are both as good as dead. **gulp** Roger dodger. Oh and just in case lets make a code word to confirm our identities when we meet up. I hear they employ a shape shifter named Eighty-Six. (Pumpkin Cake) Shape Shifter….like...like a changeling? I don’t know. (Pumpkin Cake) It would be safer if we talked thought messages only from here on out, but just in case….hhmmm….You’ll say “Pickle Barrel” and I’ll reply with “Kumquat”. Is that a Pinkie Pie thing? (Pumpkin Cake) **sigh** Yeah, but it makes so little sense it is hard for anypony to pick up on it. **magic sound** here let me help you put it on. O-ok. (Pumpkin Cake) You can also delete the first recording, it is just us talking. S-so I pull on this to st– \**//CLICK\**//
Audio Log #002: Act Natural\**//CLICK\**// **deep breath** I gotta act calm, natural...don’t draw suspicion. If she asks, I was out with some old college friends. **door opening** Honey I’m home! **door closing** (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** You’re home late, I don’t have dinner ready yet, though. While you wait, my father wants to talk to you the study. **gulp** Th-Three Cheese Calzone is hear? (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** Oh come now, we are family, no need to be so formal. You act as if he eats ponies, he doesn’t bite. **hyperventilating** I should shut it off. I was just gonna test it at dinner. (Three Cheese Calzone) Test what at dinner? **panicked yelp** Uh...um...a new cake recipe...for um...my old namesake. (Three Cheese Calzone) While I do enjoy Pineapple Upside-down Cake, whatever my daughter makes will be lovely. Perhaps you can try the recipe at the party next week. Now come, let's talk in private. **30 seconds of trotting**door opening**door closing**Magic sound** (Three Cheese Calzone) No need to scan for bugs, I’ve already seen to that. **magic stops** Wh-what did you want to discuss? (Three Cheese Calzone) By now you no doubt noticed we’ve been giving you small tasks as a way to geige if we can trust you or not. Y-you don’t trust me? (Three Cheese Calzone) As a father-in-law, yes, as long as you make my daughter happy, but as a businesspony I wanted to ensure you were the best fit for our company. And? (Three Cheese Calzone) Jury’s still out, but the pinks snatched two of my best delivery guys and I need somepony else to pick up a very important package. It arrives tomorrow evening. This p-package, it is zebra chems, weapons, infiltrators? \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// Th-that was a j-joke. Heh. (Three Cheese Calzone) **jubilant laughter** **nervous laughter** (Three Cheese Calzone) You Haywiians have such an interesting sense of humor. **clears throat threateningly** No, no, our business is with EAST Corp. My nephew speaks very highly of their terminals. He says they are better than Stable-Tec’s in a number of ways. I need you to pick up the shipment. I can do that, y-yes. (Three Cheese Calzone) Good, good. I like your spirit. Perhaps you could be a good fit for our company after all. (Veggie Calzone) **a distance away** Dad, Piney, Dinner’s ready! (Three Cheese Calzone) We’ll talk more after dinner. \**//SILENCE\**// (Three Cheese Calzone) Nice bowtie, it looks good on ya. Where’d you get it? **gulp** Uh...it was a gift from a cousin. (Three Cheese Calzone) Which cousin? Oh...um...it was...Red...Velvet...Yes, Red Velvet. (Three Cheese Calzone) Well I’ll have to ask her who her tie guy is. Hold on, it's crooked. **Magic sound** Oh, I can ge– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note the EAST Corp thing is a reference to EAST Corp Productions' various audio dramas, It is referenced without permission, so any use of the company is not canon with their universe.
Audio Log #003: The Delivery\**//CLICK\**// -alm, I’m calm. It's just a normal pickup and delivery job. Three Cheese is even paying me. **gulp** I really hope it is nothing illegal. (Pepperoni Calzone) You done counting kid? Trust me, everything is here. A-and EAST Corp won’t miss these computers. (Pepperoni Calzone) Don’t worry about it. But shouldn’t I...you know, know the story incase the pinks stop me or...um something. (Pepperoni Calzone) **sigh** I miss the old...just don’t panic and avoid main roads. O-ok there are six terminals? Right? (Pepperoni Calzone) It's one, in several parts. Tell Three Cheese, if he wants more he may need to approach EAST sale department. Wait….these are stolen? (Pepperoni Calzone) shshshshshshsh, misplaced. It happens all the time, counts are off. Things got put on the wrong truck. Happens all the time. Honest mistake. Now get going. I need to deliver the rest of these or I’ll be fired. **galloping, panting, chariot sounds for several minutes** Fuck **pant** fuck **pant** I was just the accomplice in a theft. I can’t just not deliver them now, but what if Pumpkin can’t get me immunity. I could still go down for this. (Unknown mare) You’ll be fine. Wh-who's there? (Unknown mare) It's Pumpkin. P-Pickle Barrel. (Pumpkin Cake) Kumquat. **sigh of relief** What are you doing here? (Pumpkin Cake) Just looking out for my favorite cousin, your immunity is secure. What have you got in the truck. A terminal from E-EAST Corp. Might not be legit. (Pumpkin Cake) Hmmm, I don’t know if it will be enough. The pony who gave you this might go down for larceny, but we need something to get big Three Cheese. So take it to him as asked. H-how did you find me? (Pumpkin Cake) That tie has a tracker and is constantly sending your heart rate and location. If I receive an increased heart rate or none at all I know your in trouble and I can swoop in. \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// (Pumpkin Cake) Tonight I just got a small increase in your heart rate and was seeing if you were ok. Don’t worry, I’ll be there before we get no heart rate. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye. You’re not gonna die on my watch. D-do you have any leads on Eighty-Six? If you manage to catch him I’ll feel a lot safe. (Pumpkin Cake) Shapeshifters are hard to find, and I can’t spare much resources...this operation is off the books for now. I’ll do what I can. Thanks, but unless I r-really am in danger. Can you let me know before you drop in. I w-was given a gun….I may have used it. (Pumpkin Cake) Noted. And your tie is crooke– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note any comment I had for here contained spoilers, no you get this note instead.
Audio Log #005: Snooping\**//CLICK\**// **door opening** Honey I’m home! **door closing** Honey? \**//SILENCE\**// Veggie? \**//SILENCE\**// **distant murmuring** **hyperventilating** ok, ok, no need panic. **minute of unsure hoofsteps**more distant murmuring** (Three Cheese Calzone) You understand we have very impatient buyers here in Equestria. (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** I get it, but the Equestrian Naval Blockade makes it hard for our vessels to get through. (Three Cheese Calzone) You Atori are the best equines on the seas, you can’t get past a simple blockade? You are in the Calzone Family now. Calzones never give up. GET ME THOSE MINT-ALS! (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** Then give me a better cut. Equestrian bits have a decreased value in exchange since the war began, less so after nightmare moon came to power. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ever wonder how you got your position? (Unknown Zebra) *tinny sounding**Accented** My brother Xantish died. We have the same connections. Why? (Three Cheese Calzone) Allow me to correct the record. Old Zan wasn’t meeting quota and I had him eighty-sixed. You’re farther behind than he ever was AND asking to get a larger cut? **muffled gasp** \**//SILENCE\**// (Three Cheese Calzone) Razukin, I didn’t quite hear your response. (Razukin) *tinny sounding**Accented** I’ll have them in Equestria by nightfall. (Three Cheese Calzone) Now that's what I like to hear. For the inconvenience your cut is now 5%. (Razukin) *tinny sounding**Accented** You can’t– (Three Cheese Calzone) I can, now talk to you soon. **phone hanging up sound** **hoofsteps**Door opening**gasp**scared hoofsteps** (Three Cheese Calzone) Hello? Oh, uh, Hi Three Cheese. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ah Pineapple, just the pony I was looking for. I have another delivery for you to make this evening. I hope you’re free, yeah you’re free. You don’t have a thing against stripes, do you? N-no. (Three Cheese Calzone) Right, you Marewaiins were doing trade with them long before Equestria ran on coal, such a silly question. So a family member who happens to be visiting from Zebraca. Yes I know, strange time for a visit from Equestria’s enemy, but he has some important tribal gifts from his land that customs over at the MoM won’t like. So I hope you don't get seasick. I don’t. W-well I’ve never been on a boat. (Three Cheese Calzone) Didn’t you come on one from Marewaii? Right, I’ve only been on one once so it's hard to tell. (Three Cheese Calzone) I think you’ll be fine. Hmm your tie is crooked again. I have this tie guy in Canterlot who can get you much better tie. Blue is so garish compared to your coat color. I’m fine, I like this bow tie...it m-matches my eyes. (Three Cheese Calzone) Ah well, to each their own. Let me fix it so you look like less of smuck. **magic sound** No its– Author's Note finally getting a new chapter out...
Audio Log #007: Augur\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// **steady beep of a heart monitor** (Unknown Pony) There, good as new. I swear if I have to fix another one of these for the rest of eternity, it will be too soon. Huh...what? Where am I? What happened? Who are you? (Unknown Pony) Hmm..no when or why question? No matter. I fixed your recorder. Manehatten General. I’m not sure, according to your chart you washed up on the shore. And lastly, you may call me Higgs. It's not time to tell my story. Y-you fixed it? You know what it is? P-pickle barrel. (Higgs) Ha, guess I should play along. Kumquat. Yes, clever hiding it in a tie. Things have come along way, haven’t they? You have a part to play in all this, I’m just helping make it happen. Can’t stray from the right path again. Ok, now I’m confused. (Higgs) Oh, don’t worry your little head, Pineapple. It's nothing of your concern. I’m sure you’ll just eighty-six your part. (Unknown pony) **faint as if the blowing of the wind** Not with what is mine. Wh-what was that? (Higgs) Just a grouchy bug, it's not her time yet. Wait, the..um...Tribal gifts? (Higgs) You were found alone, but they’ll turn up. I just know it. Now I must be going, gotta send a DJ a message. Want your bowtie back? Y-yeah. **magic sound** (Higgs) And here I thought only unicorn’s did magic. Adieu. **receding hoofsteps**Odd faint swishing sound**Door slamming shut** **Door opening** (Veggie Calzone) Piney, oh I’m so glad your ok. **kissing sounds** Yeah, honey I’m alright. (Veggie Calzone) When father told me what happened I was in a panic. I couldn't live without you. Your my precious love bug. Your what? (Veggie Calzone) **clearing throat** I’ll talk to my father about not sending you out on such dangerous family business, but I’m glad your fitting in. F-fitting in greeeeaat. (Veggie Calzone) Here, let me help you put your tie back on. No, I got– \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note Wonder who Higgs is? How can Pineapple, who is an earth pony in the cover art, do magic? All shall be revealed eventually.
Audio Log #008: Nightmares & Voices\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// I-I had another bad dream. I know I shouldn’t use this as diary, I know it serves a purpose. It will bring an end to the terror of the Calzones, but I fear my mental state is their doing...somehow. The dreams have become more vivid. I felt the blood of every kill this entity I am in the dreams made. More importantly I have one recurring dream of the entity. I’ve had it almost every night since that boat trip where I nearly drowned. I’m...well the entity...is tasked with some mission. It goes to a city out east. I think it is Hoofington. All I know is it emanates a feeling coldness. Something this creature is able to sense that a normal pony might not notice. It's important to note the creature can fly because the dream usually starts with it landing in the city. It flashes, as dreams often do to some meeting...an ambush of some kind. The creature I am in these dreams is captured….something that never happens in any of the other dreams. Then...then a pony in a pinstripe suit enters the room. The pony gives me the same vibe Three Cheese does. All he does is smile. Then it flashes to...to...unspeakable things. \**//SILENCE\**// I’m not just talking torture, though there was plenty of that. Lets just say I know this creature is female. Even with all the senseless kills she has done, she does not deserve the treatment these ponies give her. Then I wake up. Always in a cold sweat. So I haven’t gotten very much sleep. It brings me to the other thing. Since the accident I’ve been hearing faint voice...as if just a trick of the wind...telling me to do things. Usually kill ponies...but other things too. I try to ignore it. I think it's just the sleep deprivation from the nightmares. (Unknown pony) **faint as if the blowing of the wind** Just believe your delusion, for now. I’m not hearing that, its just in my head. \**//SILENCE\**// I’m gonna bring this to Veggie in the morning. She’ll know what to do. I think she is the only Calzone I can trust. Think she’d flip on her father if I brought her into my investigation? \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//CLICK\**//
Audio Log #010: The End of the Delusion\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// **hyperventilating** Ok, ok, ok I know this is crazy. Sorry, Pumpkin for again using this a diary. I’ve lost time. Like I told Veggie about the voices and the dreams...then nothing. If the calendar is to be believed, I’ve been out a week. **hyperventilating** Worse still, I know why. I listened to a recording I must have taken at Dr. Proselytize’s office. He’s a psychiatrist working for the MoP. Veg recommended him. Oh Luna no. He put me unconscious. He conspired with Three Cheese. He’s a Calzone. I’m, I’m being gaslighted for some reason. I need to know why. **hyperventilating** I-I...um, I have a gun. Small caliber, 1 bullet. I’m not shooting to kill, injure maybe. If he won’t answer my questions. I can’t believe it has come to this. **gulp**magic sound** **minute of trotting**door slamming open** Three Cheese! Sh-show yourself! You’ve got some questions to answer! (Veggie Calzone) Piney? What’s wrong? Veg, where is your father? (Veggie Calzone) Caldonia for business. We are meeting him there tomorrow. Please, put the gun down. Let’s talk like civil ponies. Civil ponies don’t get in bed with Equestria’s enemy. Civil ponies don’t import and sell illicit drugs. Civil ponies don’t brainwash ponies! (Veggie Calzone) My love, please. There is more to this then you know. You say you love me, but how do I know it's real. Dr. Proselytize, whom you recommended ,did something to me. How do I know what’s real anymore?! (Veggie Calzone) You do love me, I do love you. That is real. I made sure that remained after. After what? (Veggie Calzone) Hoofington. **BWOOOOOOOOOOM**Lound rolling rumble**Shattering of glass**single gun shot** (Veggie Calzone) EAhhh! **thud** No Veggie! Nononononononononono. I didn’t mean to. (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** Its ok love bug **cough** I forgive you. **cough**sob** I’m sorry, I wish it didn’t play out this way. V-Veggie… **tink**tink**tink** **trotting on broken class** (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** You went to Hoofington. **cough** Yes, you were delivering research on **cough** megaspells to a zebra contact. **sob** You saw it as a way to **cough**wince** to end the war. **coughing fit** C.A.R.E. What? (Veggie Calzone) Communally Assured Reciprocal Existence. **cough**cough**wince**sob** That way we could be together. **sob**sniffle** Away from my father and his **cough** vile organization. **through tears** Who was I? (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** You were the most beautiful pony I ever saw. **cough**cough**cough**sob** A changeling. Assassin of the Calzones. **sob** More than just the way changelings feed. **cough** True love. Ch-changeling? (Veggie Calzone) **weakly** My sweet love bug. **cough** Eighty-Six. **long exhale of breath** **though tears** Veggie? No...I’m sorry. \**//FEEDBACK\**// Author's Note not the end of the log, but the feedback goes on long enough that whomever is editing the log in the future cut it in half.
Audio Log #010.5: Pineapple Calzone Gets Eighty-Sixed\**//FEEDBACK\**// (Eighty-Six) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. My lovely morsel wouldn’t want that of us. Huh? (Eighty-Six) You know what I mean. (Pumpkin Cake) chin up cousin. So that means the investigation wasn’t real? (Pumpkin Cake) Unfortunately not, memories borrowed from me were used to make the persona of Pineapple. So I’ve been kicking around in here too. Guess I was some coping mechanism. I have no clue what I’m talking about. (Dr. Proselytize) That’s my doing. I used a bit of my own memories to try to stabilize the imprint after it started fracturing. Looks like it did more harm than good. Yeah, I’m talking to myself. **sniffle** (Eighty-Six) So what now? I don’t know. **sob**sniffle** I just wanted answers and now Veggie is gone. (Dr. Proselytize) Well if that explosion was what I think it was, Equestria is gone too. (Pumpkin Cake) Not really helping Doc. (Dr. Proselytize) Well that green glow is baelfire radiation. If we don’t get some radaway soon we’ll be as dead as Mrs. Calzone. I’m not strong enough. **sniffle** Maybe I should just die here. (Eighty-Six) You might not be, but I am. And I have a goal. What? (Eighty-Six) The Calzones must die. They sent me into an ambush. Yeah they rescued me, but then they stripped me of who I was because I was a liability. I know the Cazones took care of King Pin, but the Calzones are just as bad...they took his underlings in. And Three Cheese made the order to make you. They all will pay for what they did to me. This will be the only time I ever ask nicely for something: May I have my body back? But, killing is bad. Can’t we just arrest them? (Eighty-Six) Sometimes you need to kill for the greater good. My vendetta aside, the calzones are not good ponies, zebras and the like. The Equestria– (Dr. Proselytize) I believe it would be a wasteland now. (Eighty-Six) The Wasteland would be better off without them. Knowing them they had a contingency for armagedom. The Calzones are like cockroaches. This won’t stop them. Fine, but only kill Calzones...er...or other bad ponies. (Eighty-Six) I get the feeling you won’t let me do anything otherwise. First true love and now a conscience. If Chrysalis could see me now. Ok then. \**//SILENCE\**// **now sounding like Eighty-Six** Yeah, Doc Prosely was right I should get out of the city. **gagging sound** Sorry, Pineapple, but I don’t like your choice of accessories. **magic sound**snap**magic sound** Don’t worry, my morsel, I will see you to a proper re– \**//FEEDBACK\**// **OUT OF SPACE** \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note awe man I'm on a role with these. 3 in one night. Time for the epilogue.
Epilogue: 210 Years Later – Bait, Set, Trap“OUT OF SPACE!” the terminal blared, the warning capping off a rather odd series of audio logs. The room sat in silence for a moment. The only sound coming from the rain outside and the sentinel, Spicy Meatball, scanning for hostiles. “That's it?” the canterlot ghoul asked in bafflement, his rasping voice echoing in the small, empty room. “You expecting something else, Bitty Boy?” a condescending, robotic voice answered. “I was very entertained. I always wondered what happened to the Changeling bitch. I would have never thought to imprint a constructed consciousness into another pony. That Dr. Proselytize was a sadistic genius.” “It’s horrifying,” the ghoul rasped in disgust. “It's the Calzone Crime Family, Binary Bit!” The robotic voice intoned, “Fucked up shit is our MO. Case and point: me, myself, and I.” “Ok, ok, ok.” Binary Bit conceded, “Better question: Vial, why is this here?” “A terminal in the middle of nowhere, wasteland that broadcasts a Calzone safe house signal? Then upon entry plays the collected ramblings of a killer’s alter-ego?” Vial asked sarcastically. “I’d normally say raiders, but this is too smart for them.” There is a pregnant pause as the computer genius and the incapacitated, robotic sociopath contemplate the implications. “Fuck.” Binary shouted. “We need to get out of here, now!” Vial agreed, “Come on Spicy, get moving.” “You’re not going anywhere.” a female voice echoed in the room, followed by the cocking of a gun. “HOSTILE DETECTED!” Spicy announced a moment too late. “Ah, I see you brought a gun to a robot fight.” Vial quipped. “LOCKING ON TARGET!” Spicy responded. “Sixers, we got heavy artillery!” the female called out to her allies. FWOOOSH! BOOM! FWOOOSH! BOOM! A pair SATS guided missile enters into the room exploding in the side of the sentinel. “MAMA MIIIIAaaaa!” the robot called out as it powered down from the damage. “Whelp, there goes our big guns.” Binary lamented, regretting not having his own weapon, “Can’t say it was nice knowing you, Vial.” “Cut the crap Eighty” the sentient augments attached to a lifeless, and limbless corpse called out to the changeling, “Binary isn’t a Calzone. You just want me….well and Spicy Meatball, but I think he’s down for the count.” “Binary, Binary, hmmm.” Eighty-Six mused, looking over a list, not taking her gun off the two ponies. “Not in any of my records from wartime or wasteland, but the Calzones are ever expanding.” “No, he’s right. I’m not a Calzone. I’m a computer programer from Canter–from Recurrence.” Binary added, “I just got so fascinated by the secrets of the Calzones that I decided to look into them. I had no Idea they were still around. I just used Vial as a database for Calzone strongholds.” “Vial, Vial, Vial….alias of Fix'n Snitch. Calzone fixer. Vanished near the end of the war. Somepony told me he died at the end of something on the radio. Knew I should have double checked.” “Hehe, I did...twice. Long story.” Vial laughed. “If I may, Eighty-Six, Vial is defenseless. His augments, which house his soul, for lack of a better compassion, are attached to a pony corpse. He is worth more in this state than dead if you hope to truly wipe out the Cazones.” Binary suggested to the stubborn changeling. “Sixers, stand down.” Eighty-Six called out and was answered by a few ‘Yes Ma’ams.’ “I find out you’re lying and you get eighty-sixed, you get me?” “Loud and clear.” Binary sheepishly agreed, “Can you fix Spicy? He might be useful too. Robots are so rarely fighting on the side of ponies in the wastes.” “Turing, see if you can get their bot working again.” Eighty commanded, “Can you can change the name and personality too? I’m not a fan of Italipone.” “Yes Ma’am!” a lanky pony mare with a grey on grey color pallet, known as Turing Test, replied pulling out her tools and getting to work. “Now Binary, Vial,” Eighty-Six began, sneering at the mention of the vile pony’s pseudonym, “we have much to discuss.” “I do have one question before we begin. That Higgs fellow, who was he? He seemed to know more then he let on.” Binary asked the incredulous changeling. “Its complicated. I did meet him again a few years back while I was traveling with a storyteller. Still a bit of a mystery wrapped in an enigma.” She replied nonchalantly. “Care to elaborate?” Binary pressed. “Well as an old friend was fond of saying: that is a story for another day.” She replied cryptically, winking at no pony in particular, “Today we talk Calzones.” Author's Note Did I just tie this in into The Storyteller – A Fallout: Equestria Lore Series? Yes, I just did. Let me know if you catch any spelling, grammar or tense errors....third person is not my forte.
Audio Log #000: Alert the Ministry of Morale\**//CLICK\**// If you are hearing this, I’m dead and I know who killed me: The Calzone Crime Family. I can prove it...or at least point the investigation into my death in the right direction. \**//SILENCE\**// Right...I should establish why my death is so important. My name is Pineapple Upside-down Cake...sorry that was my name. I married a year ago to a pony named Veggie Calzone. I was convinced to legally change my name to Pineapple Calzone. I thought they were a family of pizza makers. Pineapple might not be a typical pizza topping, but I like pizza with pineapples….actually I like pineapples on many odd things. Anyways I was wrong, I don’t think Veggie intentionally deceived me, but I didn’t find out her family's true line of work until a week after our marriage. Then it was too late. I was a Calzone. Under fear of death or worse I was forced to go along with their schemes. Smuggling things from the Zebra Lands to Equestria. Smuggling things **gulp** from the Equestria to the Zebra Lands. The Calzones are traitors to Equestria, Traitors to the Ceasar. They only exist for the pursuit of money and power. They hold no allegiance. The straw that broke the pony's back was giving meagaspells to the zebras. Fuck! They gave our enemy the means to wipe us all out. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut after that. My second cousin, twice removed, Pumpkin Cake works closely with Pinkie Pie. It was with her help I became an informant for the MoM. If it is not her hearing this, find her or Pinkie. Tell no pony else. I don’t know who else you can trust. Hell I don’t even trust you...though I don't know you so... \**//SILENCE\**// Unless you are Pumpkin or her brother Pound...or her parents... I’ve set it up that this and all the recordings I’ve made are sent to Pumpkin’s terminal if I don't cancel the command every day. The only reason I’d not cancel it...is if I were killed. Even if it appears to be natural causes, it isn’t. The Calzones have their ways of making a death look like an accident. Fix’n Stitch was their best fixer, but he is busy with something in Ponyville. They’ll likely send another. Maybe Eighty-Six...he is apparently a master of disguise. If he isn’t you, he could be anyone or anything. If this is Pumpkin...I’m sorry for getting you involved. Luna save us all… \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note and so a fic that tells more about the mysterious Calzone Crime Family.
Audio Log #004: Bad Dreams\**//CLICK\**// **magic turning on water faucet ** running water ** magic turning off water faucet ** loud slurping ** gulp **heavy breathing ** It was only a dream. It had to be. I–I would never. I could never. \**//EXTENDED SILENCE\**// Could I? Could I kill ponies? I know Pumpkin wouldn’t want me using this thing as an audio diary, but this might be some kind of mind control magic. That has to be illegal, right? **deep breath** I had a bad dream...at least I think it was a dream. I was killing ponies, zebras, griffons, yaks, minotaurs, centaurs...all manor of creatures. I slaughtered every one of them and they didn’t know it was me. Their shocked faces are burned into my mind. The scariest part was how I felt: Nothing. I was an emotionless killing machine. I didn’t feel pain, remorse, sadness, or anger. It was like viewing a memory orb. It was terrifying. The worst part was I somehow felt that is was me, but I’d never kill anypony. I can barely hurt a fly. I prefer to capture and release them outside the house. But that brings me back to mind control magic. The Calzones have all manor of spell caster in their employ. They might have one willing to bend the wills of others. I’d see if Pumpkin could find out, but she said this investigation is off the books...and this is just a theory. **sigh** I’m on my own. Once I have something to get Three Cheese arrested or at least something to start the process, I can bring up the possibility of mind control. I just hope it won’t be too late and I’m not really killing creatures. I’ll keep monitoring my dreams and see if maybe it is just stress. This investigation is really stressful. The Cazones must be stopped...I can’t be shaken by dreams. \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note hmm...bad dreams....
Audio Log #006: Troubled Waters\**//CLICK\**// **slow constant sloshing of water** Ok, ok, I’m ok. I’m just receiving likely illegal Tribal gifts from the Zebra Lands. Equestria’s enemy...n-no big deal. **hyperventilating** **rushing water as a boat breaks the surface** Sweet Celestia! **splashing as the boat lands on the water surface** (Razukin) **Accented** Well, I’m here. What? The bastard couldn't even show himself? N-no, just me. (Razukin) **Accented** Waste of the price of the damned shaman. I risked censure for this! I’m P-Pineapple C-Calzone. (Razukin) **Accented** Pineapple in a calzone? Yuck. Don’t ever introduce yourself to a Tappahani. Hehe. So...um you got the stuff? The...uh..T-Tribal Gifts? (Razukin) **Accented** Right, right. Mustn't stay too long. **thud**thud**thud** (Razukin) **Accented** There, hopefully that will be enough for your employer. F-Father-in-law. (Razukin) **Accented** Whatever. So this is it? **slowly approaching boat sounds** (Razukin) **Accented** Yes, the drug is regulated as much in my lands as in yours. It is better to ship in parts and combine at the destination. Your employer has ponies and stripes capable of making the drug for the pink one. (Unknown Pony) **magically enhanced** WHO GOES THERE!? (Razukin) **Accented** Shit a patrol! Waxren, instruct the currents to get us to shore. What?! **Splush**Sloosh**Splush** **incomprehensible gargling of water** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//STATIC\**// **ERROR**REMAINDER CORRUPT**ERROR** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//STATIC\**// \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note Anypony confused about the Zebra Shaman stuff, read Homelands. I borrow from that for the lore of Zebras.
Audio Log #009: Proselytize\**//CLICK\**// \**//FEEDBACK\**// (Dr. Proselytize) So, Mr. Calzone. Pineapple. (Dr. Proselytize) So, Pineapple, your wife tell me you’ve had trouble sleeping? Y-yeah. I’ve been having strange dreams and… (Dr. Proselytize) And what? And I’ve been hearing voices. (Dr. Proselytize) Voices? I know I sound crazy, but I hear this faint voice on the breeze. It tell me to do things. (Dr. Proselytize) Mmhmm, I see. What does it tell you to do? Kill ponies. (Dr. Proselytize) Are you considering acting upon these suggestions? No! I’d never kill a pony. (Dr. Proselytize) Good, good. So about the dreams? I’ve had the dreams for a few months now. I’m this cold and calculated killer. Slaughtering thousands. More recently there is one where She– (Dr. Proselytize) It's a she? Yes. She is captured by someponies up in the Hoof and….violated in unspeakable ways. (Dr. Proselytize) Are you the one violating or being violated? I’m...her. (Dr. Proselytize) Well it's probably just wartime stress disorder. It's a fairly common affliction in these troubled times. I believe there is an opening for treatment this afternoon. If that’s alright? Y-yeah. If you think it's the best course of action. (Dr. Proselytize) Fantastic. Happy to help you get through this Pineapple. Is there anything else troubling you? Yes actually. I met a strange pony and he told me I’m an earthpony. (Dr. Proselytize) Well, you are. So why does this bother you? **magic sound** (Dr. Proselytize) Oh my that is not good. **magic discharge sound** **thud** (Dr. Proselytize) I was wrong, Pineapple, we can’t wait for this afternoon. The conditioning appears to be faltering. Probably a problem with the personality. That accident you had didn’t help. Wwff arw woo doeng? (Dr. Proselytize) Helping you. **magic sound** Oof, your time as Pineapple has made you heavy. **Several minutes of trotting** (Three Cheese Calzone) Was it as we feared? (Dr. Proselytize) Yes. She’s remembering and she’s been using magic, but is not facing the trauma in any way that would let me recommend not imprinting her again. (Three Cheese Calzone) Then do it. Make sure HE doesn't revert again. She has secrets that we must keep. (Dr. Proselytize) Will do Mr. Calzone, sir. **magic sound** \**//FEEDBACK\**// \**//CLICK\**// Author's Note The plot doth thicken.
