DON'T CALL ME CUTE

Chapters

I AM AN ADULT, I SWEAR
I CAN'T EAT BACON
TWILIGHT HELP IT'S STUCK
OH GOD I'M A FREAK
OH GOD... Wait. Is... Is Twilight Leaving?
OH GOD. GOOD. THATS OVER
FRIENDS ARE HARD
WHY IS SUNHORSE HERE
I Really Wish I Knew
I WILL END YOU
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T BUY PORN?
WHOOPS IM DRUNK
I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR

I AM AN ADULT, I SWEAR

The gentle clink of cutlery on porcelain echoes through the dining room in Twilight's Castle. You've folded your hooves and glare across the table at Spike and Twilight.

"I want bacon," you mutter.

"Ponies don't eat meat, Anon," Twilight repeats again.

"Bull$##@," you retort. "I saw you guys eat eggs once. That's chicken children. And why the h%#$ would you raise pigs for any other reason than to eat them?"

"Oh! I know this!" Spike chirps up. "Manure!"

You pause, glaring at the dragon.

"So, they're S$#@ machines."

"Let's not get into this, boys."

"WHAT PRONOUN DO I EVEN USE?! I am a woman now," you shoot back.

"Mare," corrects Spike.

"Filly," Twilight corrects the correction. "That's not the point. The point is, we aren't getting into the carnivore conversation."

"Well, if I don't get meat eventually, this carnivore is going to turn into a cannibal," you say, leaping from your spot at the table. "I'm going out."

"Where to?" Twilight asks, cocking an eyebrow.

"Out."

"Uh, dude. You need an adult," Spike chirps. "You're way too young to-"

"I AM AN ADULT," you shout back, before slamming the door behind you.

The sun is high in the sky as you make your way through Ponyville Market, you see all of the familiar faces that you've grown used to over the time you've spent in Ponyville. Sadly, none of them recognize you in the way you recognize them. It seems that news hasn't spread quite as quickly as you would have liked about your recent change. Even though it's already been a week. Great. How are you going to go grocery shopping for some meat now?

You could probably run back to your house and get your bits, fry yourself a nice steak, then head back to Twilight's. That shouldn't be a problem. The real problem would be getting the food. Since the market is on the way to your house, why not see if you can snag some grub on credit?

Quickly, you spy a few familiar faces. Applejack and Applebloom are leaping about and calling out to the market about their fresh new harvest being sold at discount prices... which just so happens to be a higher price that they said last week. Sales are weird.

You trot up to them, and A.J. turns her head to greet her approaching customer.

"Well howdy there, Anon! What brings you here?"

"Grocery shopping," you respond. "But I'm beginning to realize this might not be as easy as I expected."

"Why's that?" she asks.

"Well, can I buy a pint of cider from you?"

Applejack grows silent, then scratches her mane and searches for something else to look at.

"Okay, yeh. Now I see your problem."

"Yeeeah. Who is going to sell a filly anything that tastes even remotely good?"

Applejack nods, then pauses.

"Why don't you get Twilight to buy you the things you want? Isn't she your mom now? Er, well. Temporary mom?"

"Twilight isn't my Mom!" you growl back.

A few ponies passing by whisper to each other and glare at you.

"Well, that rumor will probably be in the paper tomorrow," A.J. sighs. "Great. So, I'm guessing this is where you ask me to buy things for you."

"Yeah, basically."

"No can do, sugarcube."

"Why?!"

"I could lose my market privileges if I bought a filly something they aren't allowed to have. That's my livelihood, Anon. Ain't gonna happen."

"Well, S$#@."

"What's S$#@?" Apple Bloom asks.

A.J. glares at you, as you look back to Apple Bloom.

"You know what?" You nervously chuckle. "I'm just. uh. Leaving."

"You do that now."

You walk away from the stall, sighing to yourself. Well that was a train wreck. What now?

Wait. You're a filly. You have the powers of cute on your side, even if you hate them. How can you make this work to your advantage?

You spot a target. Just a few stalls down seems to be a traveling merchant. A baker, even. She has various muffins, pies, cakes... everything a filly your age would want. All you have to do is turn on the charm.

So what do kids do that is cute?

... You've got it.

You trot up to the baker wearing a wide smile, you flick your hair back. Wait, is that cute or sexy? No, definitely sexy. Go for cute. You flick it forward, hiding a part of your face away as if trying to disappear. Perfect.

As you approach the stall, the purple mare smiles and looks down to you.

"Hi there, sweetheart," she says. "My name's Sugar Belle, are you interested in buying a cupcake?"

"O-oh, well. I'm actually a little lost. See, I've been saving my allowance for a very, very long time... I wanted to buy something really special for my birthday, but the griffon stall won't let me get it. So, I guess I'll get a cupcake."

The mare's eyes sparkle, and you know you've began to win over your target. Holy shit, this works.

"The griffon won't let you buy it? Well that doesn't seem right."

"I guess it can't be helped," you sigh. "I've been looking so forward to it too."

The mare looks left, then right, making sure they weren't being overheard.

"What was it you were going to buy, little one? Maybe I can step away and buy it for you."

You light up, standing up straight, words vomiting out of your mouth faster than you can think.

"An 18oz Bone-in Ribeye steak that was marinating in herbs and scotch whiskey for 24 hours."

A silence falls between you and Sugar Belle. Wait. Fuck. You just gave away the game. Quick. Think of something! Be a kid. What would a kid do?

You shove a hoof up your nose and begin to pick.

Oh my god, you're hopeless, Anon.

You walk through the doors of the Ponyville Castle, your emotions almost as exhausted as your body. Your stomach gurgles, yearning for food. You really should have ate earlier.

Then, you notice something. You sniff. The air tastes of salt and savory. You recognize that smell.

Bacon.

You charge into the dining room, and there, sitting at the place where you sat just this morning, is a small plate with pieces of bacon stacked with care. Twilight sits across the table, looking towards you.

"Anon, would you sit down for a second? I'd like to apologize."

You blink, then trot to the table and hoist yourself up on the seat.

"This whole... filly situation is still really strange. And I admit that I let my excitement to show you the pony lifestyle get to me almost as much as I was excited to exercise my duties as an adoptive parent," Twilight chuckles and looks away. "It's always... been a dream for me. Adoption. Sort of. I haven't been respecting that you're an adult in a child's body and got carried away. I'm sorry."

You look down to the bacon. Your stomach churns. She is trying to make things right. The least you can do is not be an a%$hole.

"Twilight, it's not all you," you say with a sigh. "This whole situation is weird. And it hurts me a lot. I admit that I let my emotions get the best of me this morning. Er, all the mornings. I usually blame the body, but I've been a jerk as a human too. It's not really fair to you. You're doing a lot for me, and I've been disrespectful to that, and I'm sorry for that too."

A silence falls between you and the alicorn princess.

"So, if we're good.... Can I eat this?" you ask. "Like, all of it?"

"Only if you allow me to take notes, and it's technically a science experiment of the effects of meat on your equine body."

You pause. Then you look down to the bacon, then back to Twilight.

"You underestimate my love for bacon, Ms. Sparkle. It's a deal."

I CAN'T EAT BACON

The toilet flushes. Your body is draped pathetically over the porcelain throne like a shamefully ruined pair of underwear. Your head is still resting in the bowl, your lips just inches from the water as it pushes your guts out to the sewers.

"I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WOULD HAPPEN, ANON," Twilight shouts into the bathroom door. "I'M SO SORRY!"

"F%^$#@%$ bacon," you mutter under your breath. "Never again."

"Can I get you anything?" Twilight continues, raising her voice. "SPIKE COME HERE! ANON NEEDS SOMETHING!"

"I don't need anything," you moan back. However, just the act of speaking stirs your stomach enough to feel a burp coming up.

"HOW ABOUT A BATH? SPIKE GET ANON EVERYTHING! HE NEEDS IT TWO HOURS AGO!"

"I don't need-"

Oh wait. That's not a burp.

The toilet finishes flushing as you exit the bathroom, leaning your filly form against the door frame.

"I can't even eat bacon anymore," you mumble to Twilight. "What makes life worth living?"

Twilight stands quietly, her expression filled with concern as she holds out a rubber ducky in her hoof.

"Mr. Quackers says he's sorry," Twilight says. "And I'm sorry too."

You look up to Twilight, then down to the crystal floor.

"It's okay," you answer, trying to stand straight on all four hooves. "You wouldn't have known. And your heart was in the right place at least."

"Yeah?" she asks.

"Yeah. It just sucks."

Off down the hall, you hear a grinding against the floors. You look down the hall to find Spike lugging a huge bag behind him.

"Never mind, Spike! We're good," Twilight calls down at him.

"OH FOR THE LOVE OF-"

"You know," you cut off Spike. "I just realized something. How come you guys never finish your expletives?"

Twilight looks back to you as Spike turns around and begins dragging the bag in the opposite direction.

"What are you talking about?" Twilight says, stepping toward the lab. "And it's time for our experiment, your vomiting put us ten minutes behind schedule."

Twilight begins walking down the hall, and you follow along behind her.

"Well, you guys say things like 'What the--!!' or 'Oh my--!!' Right before you'd say Celestia or F@$!# or B$#@% or-"

"Okay, Anon. I get the point. Please. The language."

"And what?" you continue. "Does that sort of language hurt you ponies? I genuinely don't understand why you guys have all these weird things you do to stay PC."

"Well, first of all, that loud beep that comes out of your throat hurts our ears."

"Then why doesn't it hurt me?"

"Well, we're amounting that to... well. Uh."

"What?"

"You're kind of a bad pony. Person. Thing."

You stop, somewhat shocked by the answer. Then, nod and continue on.

"It checks out. So, does that mean there's pony gangs out there that say bad words and do bad things?"

"Well, I don't know about that," Twilight says, holding the door to her study open for you. "But I can definitely say that most ponies go through a rebellious phase where we say things we shouldn't."

Twilight's ears fold down and a blush comes over her face as you enter the room and sit on the victim chair. Er. Patient Zero Testing Area.

"Once, when I was a teen... I even once said... Crap... to my mom!"

You stare at Twilight as she looks around, as if she just stole a book from the library.

"Wow," you answer blankly.

"Yeah, I was a bit of a-"

"That is the most prude thing I have ever heard come out of your mouth."

Twilight glares at you. You shrug back at her.

"Alright. Are you ready for testing some more spells?"

"Yeah, sure. Maybe we'll move from feeling funny to throwing up more."

"Well, I hope not," Twilight says, moving to her big book o' spells. "Because after this, you need to see Mayor Mare."

"Why?" you ask.

"Oh, nothing big," she says. Her horn lighting up. "Just taxes."

"Wait, wha-"

You sit in a chair that is way too big for you, your head resting on your hoof. City hall smells like old ponies. Old ponies and rat traps. Your eyes move from the receptionist, some overweight mare that you've seen eating at Sugarcube Corner nearly every time you've gone there. You kind of half wonder what her story is. Like, who is she? What's her name? Why does she always eat a blueberry muffin?

Most importantly, why are you so bored that you're making up backstories for random ponies that you see in real life.

You look then to the waiting room table in front of you, where there's a few magazines that at least a year old. That is, unless Photo Finish is still in the hospital. Celebrity gossip is not your thing. Like, at all.

Then you look outside. There's another older pony sitting on a park bench, watching the birds.

Okay then, receptionist story time. So, let's make her name Sonya Weatherwood. She's an older mare who used to live in Canterlot. Used to come from money. Loves food. She does that thing where she exercises and works out a lot, loses a lot of weight, then gets caught up in life and gains a bunch back. She has two dogs named-

Mayor Mare opens the door at the far end of the room and pokes her head out.

"Anonymous the Human?"

"Oh thank F$@#" you say, leaping out of your chair. "I was worried there would be a full chapter."

"What?"

"Nothing," you say, stepping into Mayor Mare's office. "What can I do for you?"

"Well, you see, Anon," Mayor Mare says, closing the door behind you. "This whole transformation has completely bungled our tax system. So, we need to figure out how we're going to handle this situation and file a lot of the paperwork for the Equestrian Revenue Service."

"A lot of paperwork?" you ask, sitting across from her desk in one of her guest chairs. "Like, how much paperwork."

"Well, the good news is that we've filled out your adoption forms. And luckily, we found a precedent for princess adoption that applies to your case. Some Mr. S. Blade from nearly a thousand years ago. That stallion was quite a peculiar case and a princess too, but never mind that. We need to work out how you've gone from paying adult to a dependent and file all the applicable forms."

"Uhm," you start. "How technical is this going to get? I'm going to be honest here, I'm the kind of guy. Er. Pony. Whatever. Who likes just being told where to sign and how much to pay."

A look of disgust flutters across Mayor Mare's face.

"That's horrifying," she says. "All of these matters must be litigated and documented properly. It's your adult duty."

You raise your hooves in anger and point at yourself.

"Hi. I'm a kid now."

"Oh, well," Mayor Mare sits down. "I'll tell you where to sign and then we should find out how many bits you owe in a few weeks."

"Wait, so you brought me down here just to sign things?" you ask angrily. "I was working with Twilight to, you know, be a human again, and fix all of this. That's kind of important to me. Couldn't you just mail me something to sign and call it good?"

"Not at all!" Mayor says. "I had to do research on this. See, since you're an adult mind in a child's body, we cannot trust your signature in your physical form alone for legal purposes. Your body may want and sign one thing, or refuse to sign something that your mind wants you to sign. It's all in 'Curses and Artifacts, a Litigation Process: Volume 3'.

Oh my F$#@!$# Celestia.

"Okay, then how about this," you interject, this old horse testing your last nerve. "Since you know so much about law and paperwork and adulting, how about I ask you a question?"

"Sure," she says. "Then we really better get started."

"So, like, if I masturbate, is that sexual assault against a minor?"

A silence fills the room.

"And then she just told me she would handle everything for me," you reply, sipping a glass of orange juice. "Can't I have just one cup of coffee?"

"No," Twilight shoots back. "And just for that, there will be no dessert tonight."

"OH, COME ON!" you and Spike yell back in unison.

"It was FUNNY!" you shout out.

"It was NOT funny," she shoots back. "Now it's bed time. Go to your room."

You jump off your chair at the kitchen table and stomp away.

"It was pretty funny," Spike whispers to you.

"F$#@!$ THANK you," you hush back.

"BED. NOW. YOU TOO, SPIKE!" Twilight calls from the kitchen.

At least you don't have to pay taxes. Probably. Maybe.

TWILIGHT HELP IT'S STUCK

There’s two gentle knocks on your bedroom door as you stare blankly at the ceiling.

“Anon! Your timeout is done. How are you feeling?”

“Twilight” you say, feeling your soul leave the earth. “We have a problem.”

“What?” Twilight asks, immediately seeing the massive dragon cock on the floor and blushes like crazy. “D-do we need to get you sewn up?”

“No,” you reply dryly. “It’s stuck.”

“What’s stuck?”

“The pen is stuck.”

Twilight’s head tilts and her ears fold.

“The pen is stuck… where?”

“WHERE DO YOU THINK?!”

“Oh. OH! Oh,” Twilight says, all of the gears coming into place. “Well. Stay right here.”

“Okay,” you mutter.

You knew that at some point, your sex drive would get you in trouble, but for some reason, you didn’t think it would be like this. You would have put your money on a broken condom, or not pulling out fast enough or something like that. You really, really never thought you would never put your money on ‘Pen is stuck in vagina.”

“Okay, I’m back,” Twilight says. “Today we’re going to learn about Kegels!”

The pen plops to the floor, and you collapse on the ground.

“I hate masturbating.”

“I know Anon,” Twilight mutters. “So do I.”

You roll over onto your side and take a deep breath. And then… the feelings start.

It starts as a shiver. Then Anger. Then shaking, and then you can’t control your breathing. Water and snot dribbles from your face as you cover your body.

“I hate everything, Twilight. I just want this to end,” you whimper. “I don’t want to be a kid. I miss my hands. I hate this so much.”

Twilight lays down and wraps her hooves around you.

“I don’t wanna be a filly anymore, Twilight. I just want my house back. I wanna be human. I want to go to work. I want to be normal!”

“I know, Nonny. I know.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do?” you ask. “Twilight. I’m desperate. Please. Anything.”

“Well, I figured out.. How to get you halfway there.”

You sniff your nose and try to bring yourself back to your senses.

“Can we do that? Please? Right now? Please, Twilight. Please.”

Twilight remained silent for a moment.

“Are you completely sure?” Twilight asks.

You nod vigorously.

Twilight closes her eyes for a moment and folds her ears.

“Alright. Let’s go.”

You stand in the experimental X in Twilight’s lab.

“Do we need to test this?” you ask.

“No, I’ve been practicing on oranges and it’s been working perfect. Just take a deep breath, and think about your human body.”

And so, you do as she says. You close your eyes and take a deep breath. You think of your arms. Your hands. Your fingers. Your torso. Your neck. Your head. Your hair.”

“Three, Two,-”

Your eyes. Your mouth. Your nose.

A loud crack rings through the air and strikes you immediately. You feel as if your skin rips itself inside out, piece by piece. The air becomes freezing, then burning, then freezing once more. Your Back arches backwards and you feel your hands being pulling apart at the ends. A bright blinding light, and then…

The world slowly come back into focus and you reach out to feel your surroundings. Except… you don’t see hooves. In fact. You’re standing. And you have two… hands. You reach your hand up to your face and… yes. It’s human, and…

“It’s called a satyr,” Twilight says.

You’re half horse from the waist down. Two hooves. A cutie mark. and a tail.

“Also… Weirdly, you’re male from the waist up, and female from the waist down. So, I have one of your old T-shirts.”

Twilight levitates to you… one of your favorite t-shirts. How did… how did she know?

You slip the shirt on and feel the familiar feel of cotton on your skin. You take a deep breath, and feel tears well in your eyes. You run up to Twilight and wrap your arms around Twilight’s neck.

“Thank you, Twilight. Thank you so much. I’m… I’m so happy.”

You feel a hoof make its way around the back of your shirt and pull you close.

“Of course, Anon. Anything.”

OH GOD I'M A FREAK

You sit in the back of Miss Cheerilee’s classroom, wearing your favorite T-shirt, and feeling like the worst person in the world. You can feel the eyes of the children glare at you when you aren't looking. Hold your pencil in your hand properly now, just like you used to, but things are still complicated.

See, now you don’t exactly match the identification papers that were made for you when you turned into a filly. On the other hand, your upper half of you isn’t your normal age. You’re a child version of yourself, with the lower half of a female horse. This ended up coming with a whole new array of issues you would have never expected.

The bell rings, and the students all pack their bags and you pack yours. Luckily, your old belongings had a small backpack that was perfect for your new frame. Slinging your backpack onto your shoulders, you make your way back to the castle.

Honestly? Aside from you beginning to feel a bit more like yourself again, your spirit has been improving dramatically. Heck, you’ve even been nice to Spike.

But, Something’s been bothering you. Specifically, the spit wads in your hair. The notes that say ‘Freak’ in your desk.

And honestly? It’s not exactly what you expected.

You’re a grown adult. You should be able to handle this childish shit, but… what sucks is that no matter how easy it is to logically deduce, your body’s hormones betray you. So while you should feel happy that you just knocked out your full first week of school as a satyr, you just feel… down. Isolated. Alone.

Which, you suppose isn’t really a change, but that’s life, huh?

You’re about to turn a corner when you see a filly and two small stallions on the corner.

‘Really? Is this about to happen?’ you wonder to yourself.

“Hey Anon!” one of the stallions say. “Come over, here. We wanna talk to you!”

You’re not a kid anymore. You know how this shit goes. You keep walking, being sure to be as quiet as possible and not make eye contact with them.

“Hey freak,” the girl said, “We’re talking to you!”

Just ignore them, Anon, it’s going to be all.

And then a sharp, piercing pain shoots through the left side of your face. A sharp, triangle stone drops to the ground as a few blood droplets dribble down your face. You keep walking. And then, you’re grabbed by the cuff of your t-shirt.

“Hey there, Anon. What happened? Couldn’t decide if you’re going to be a human or a pony, so you chose both?” one of the stallions asked.

“Our parents warned us about you, that you’ll hurt us if we talk to you,” a scrawnier stallion said.

"So we’re going to be keeping a close eye on you… and make sure you don't get any…. Wise ideas."

You try to pull away, but you feel your shirt tug against them.

You relent, and turn to them.

“Fine, F%$#ers. Like what?”

You walk into the Ponyville Crystal Castle, one hand against your left eye, trying to determine if the coast to your room is clear. You begin to dart forward, but you freeze dead in your tracks.

“Anon!” Twilight said from the meeting room off from the Castle’s foyer. “Come check this out, I found some really promising things.”

“C-can I come by later?” you ask.

“Well, uh. Yeah. Sure. We can look at it after dinner.”

You run up to your bedroom and close the door behind you, letting your tattered book bag sink to the floor. You wipe the blood off of your nose with the collar of your nose. You take a look in the mirror and see the dark blue shiner that now covers your left eye.

You move to the bed, rip open the covers and climb inside.

“Now what?” you ask yourself. “Now what do I do?”

OH GOD... Wait. Is... Is Twilight Leaving?

You lay in bed, staring at your bedroom door. You don’t know how many minutes have passed since you’ve laid down. Thirty Minutes? Three hours?

All you know is that your body hurts. Your face hurts. Your soul hurts. Your resolve hurts.

You pull a hand out of the covers and look at the way the fingers bend, move, flex in various positions. This is… almost all of who you are. You’re closer now to being back to human than ever before.

But if being yourself means being bullied… and.

You raise your hand to the bruise on your eye. The pain sends a prickling sensation through your skin like thumbtacks burrowing in your skin.

Is this being yourself.

There’s two gentle knocks on the door to your bedroom, and her voice calls through the door.

“Anon?” calls the gentle, calming tone of Twilight. “I saved a plate of dinner for you.”

“Thank you,” you call to the door.

“Can I come in?” she asks.

You pause, unsure how to reply. It would be futile to try and never let your black eye be seen. A part of you is just worried that she’ll think it’s all your fault that you got the black eye. And in some ways, it is your fault. You did it to yourself.

Deep in the pit of your gut, you feel the impulse to runaway.

“Yeah,” you call to her.

The door creaks open, and as Twilight steps in, she turns on your bedroom light and immediately notices the black eye. Twilight crosses the bedroom in an instant. She reaches out a hoof to examine it, but pauses. She opens her mouth to say something, but pauses.

“What happened?” she asked.

“Bullies,” you said calmly. “They grabbed me after school… want to tell me that I was dangerous… different.” Twilight shook her head and with a flash of light, had a frozen bag of peas she placed on Anon’s eye.

You take a deep breath and try to figure out how to go from here.

“Things are going to be alright. I’ll just have to figure out how to handle a few bullies, and life will be fine. Really.”

Twilight opens her mouth as she sits beside you on the bed, but isn’t sure what to say, instead, she looks down to your hands. She takes one of your hand in her hooves and turns them over.

“I’m… sorry, Anon. I should have seen this coming,” Twilight says quietly. “I could have prevented this.”

“What?” you say, sitting up to look at her. “Why? You wouldn’t have known that Ponyville has some extremely racist families. You couldn’t have protected me from this.”

Twilight rose to her hooves and looked out of your bedroom window for a moment before speaking.

“As a princess of Equestria, it’s my job to not just protect the ponies I care about… but to take care of the land of Equestria as a whole. When I volunteered to be your guardian, it was because I wanted to build the experience of being a new type of guardian. Except, with training wheels. You’re an adult. You can make your own decisions. I thought that means I would be the chance to be a…” She pauses for a moment, her head hanging low as she sits back on your bed. “A practice mom, I guess. But instead, I just keep learning more and more about how I don’t make good decisions. I don’t protect you well enough. And… well, that I may not be the right guardian for you, Anon.”

“Wait, Twilight,” you say.

“Just think about it overnight. I suppose it’s up to you. Do you want to go back to being a pony? Stay a satyr? And… well. Would you like a new guardian?”

“Twilight, none of that is necessary, really,” you say. “So I got beat up at school. It happens to all kids. Don’t beat yourself down or blame yourself for a mistake you didn’t make." Twilight smiles warily.

“Just…” she says, her voice wavering. “Think about it. Think about it seriously. This was my fault. And I want to make it better, if you’ll let me.”

Twilight raises off the bed and heads to your bedroom door.

“Or, well. Even if you want me to. I’m.” Twilight tries to say something then looks at the light, then to you once more. “I’m just so sorry this happened, Anon.”

And she closes the door silently behind her.

OH GOD. GOOD. THATS OVER

You look to the closed door, then back down to your hands. You can’t help but sigh to yourself.

Twilight really means well. She’s your friend. And, well, it’s hard not to justify her position.

You collapse back into bed.

She’s being too hard on herself. And to give her a little credit, you haven’t exactly been the easiest to work with. Both of you could do better at dealing with this situation. Also, she’s close. Really close. She got you this far. You have hands now.

But things can’t keep going this way. Being a kid in this world is hard enough. Being a weird kid is even harder.

“This sucks.”

You sit up.

“But, I know what I gotta do.”

You cross the room and open the door. The light from the rest of the Crystal Castle nearly blinds your eyes, as if you were emerging from some sort of tomb after a long slumber.

“Twilight?” you call out.

You look around, but the purple alicorn is nowhere in sight. You’re making your way downstairs, walking fast, statues pass, and…

You’re home now.

You’re not sure when the feeling invaded your mind, but for what time you’ve actually spent in Equestria, and even littler time in the castle, you can’t help but find yourself… attached to the castle. Sure, you have your own home on the outside of Ponyville. But you can’t say you haven’t gotten used to the spacious halls. The various works of art. The many rooms.

The luxury.

An involuntary smile curls on your lips as you round a corner and find Spike. He lumbers through the hall and groans.

“Do you need the everything bag?” he asks. “I can get the everything bag, again.”

“Nah,” you reply.

“Oh, thank Celestia. That bag sucks.”

“I bet. I’m actually looking for, Twilight.”

“She’s in the study. I knocked but she said she wanted to be left alone for a while.”

“Alright, thanks,” you say, taking a few steps past Spike.

“Hey, uh,” he asks. “Are you going to… go back?”

You stop and turn to face him.

“Well, as much as I like these,” you show your best jazz hands. “It’s probably not the best idea to keep them. BDSM isn’t really my kink.”

He chuckles and nods.

“Well, darn. It was gonna be nice to have somepony else in the castle with claws.”

“Speaking of,” you close the distance. “Have you ever played Rock, Paper, Scissors? Is that a thing in Equestria?”

Spike pauses for a moment. You show him the rock, paper, and scissors signs.

“OH! Jaw, Rock, Hammer! That’s a dragon game I learned when visiting Dragonlord Ember.”

“Well,” you ask. “Before I have hooves, how about a best two out of three?”

You knock on the door to the study.

“Not right now, Spike. I said-”

“Actually,” you interrupt through the door. “It’s me.”

There’s a silence. Then, you hear some muffled hoofsteps on the other side of the door. One quiet click on the door handle, and at last, it opens.

“Hi,” Twilight says weakly.

“Hey,” you say.

Another moment of silence passes between you and her as you step inside the study. You look throughout the room, mostly because it’s an excuse not to have to look Twilight in the eye. Thumbtacked into walls and strung by red lines are page after page of spells and notes.

“Is this… all spell research?”

“Yeah,” she responds. “Spellcrafting is… really difficult. And not many ponies have crafted a purely original spell since Starswirl the Bearded. Sending letters to him is really, really slow, so, this is what I have to do.”

Your eyes move to a trashcan in the corner, overflowing with papers.

“It would have taken years to build up this info. Well, for a normal pony I guess.”

Twilight clears her throat, ready to address the elephant in the room.

“So, um. What did you decide?”

“Well, I think I’m ready to go back to a pony,” you say looking down at your hands. “Turns out Spike is really good at Rock, Paper, Scissors, so what’s the point if I can’t destroy him at games, you know?”

Twilight remains silent and closes the distance between you and her. She places a hoof on your shoulder, and a part of you can’t help but feel warm inside at her touch.

“And?” she asks.

“Well, your bed is comfier than mine, so I think I could stick around for awhile,” you mumble.

Finally, you decide to look Twilight in the eye. Her cheeks are flushed and her eyes are teetering on pink. You notice, by a glimpse of the light, a tear streak she may have missed.

“If that’s alright with you, anyway.”

Twilight nods, a sniffle escaping her nose,

“Yeah. I’d like that.”

You reach your arms out and wrap them around Twilight’s neck. You feel one of her hooves wrap around your back, and her wings enclose around you, pulling you tight.

And everything just feels right.

“Alright, alright. Let’s rev up those fryers before I forget how to use hooves.”

“You got it, Anon.” Twilight breaks the hug takes a few steps back. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

A bright purple light fills the room. A purple blast of light shoots toward you

“Wait, could I be a -”

The spell connects.

You blink.

“Guy.”

Sure enough, you look down, and you’re on four hooves again.You sit down, and feel down there.

“S*%$#”

“There we go. Back to normal.”

You glare at Twilight.

“I mean, a P$#@$ would have been nice. Wait. I can’t say P$#@!??? How do you ponies teach Sex Ed!”

Twilight shakes her head and smiles.

FRIENDS ARE HARD

Prison is hell.

You feel yourself locked behind iron bars, glaring around at the ponies around you have resigned themselves to their fates. They don’t know anything else. They’ve grown up in the system and have learned to accept it. When they finally get out, no, if-- Then what? Will they be even able to adjust to normal society?

“Anon,” Cheerilee asks you. “Why do you never play with the other ponies during recess?”

You glare up at her.

“Well, when else would I get to think of my emo poetry.”

“Why do you never submit THAT during our poetry assignments. If you sent me that instead of lewd limericks--”

“Don’t kink shame me, Cheerilee.”

She opens her mouth to tell you off, but then realizes that you’re a fully grown human man inside a little filly’s body. Her cheeks flush, then resumes watching the students play.

“In all seriousness, Anon,” she continues. “If your situation turns out to be permanent, I think you’d be happier if you learn to accept what is happening around you right now, and not some farther off, unsure future.”

A lump cements itself in your throat, but you raise to all fours.

“Twilight’s going to figure it out, Cheerilee. Just believe in her.”

“Do you believe in her, Anon?”

“Of course I do!” you interject. “I have to. Because if I don’t go back, then what?”

“Then what, Anon?” Cheerilee asks.

You sit, staring out across the children.

“You know, back in my home world, a grown man playing with a little kid that wasn’t theirs got the cops called on him?”

Cheerilee looks down at you in shock.

“Why?”

You exhale and shake your head.

“It’s really not worth getting into. Earth was a dark place. But, some conditioning is hard to break, Cheerilee. It doesn’t feel right to me playing with the kids. It feels like I’m doing something wrong. So. I dunno.”

Cheerilee looks up to the school clock, and notices that recess has ended for the day. She pulls a whistle up to her mouth and blows it loudly. The children all begin to scurry inside, bringing with them their jump ropes and sports balls.

“Let me think about that, Anon,” she says. “Maybe there’s something I can do to help.”

You shake your head and head on inside.

“I really don’t need your pity.”

Life never gets easier, does it?

Each and every day, you have to jump higher and higher. You miss even one obstacle, or don’t jump high enough, you’re left reeling for days. But the obstacles keep coming. And you can’t shut down. You can never shut down. Or you’ll fall so far behind that… well, what’s the point?

“If you keep staring at those fillies, I’m going to tell them to invite you to jump rope, Anon.”

“Please don’t,” you interject. “And I was just about to get deep with my poetry.”

“I thought about your problem last night,” Cheerilee shares. “And I think I have a solution.”

“What?” you ask. “I don’t have a problem.”

“Well, you standing here next to me during every recess is considered a problem.”

“Why?”

“Well, it means the student isn’t properly integrating into the class. And if that’s the case, how would they integrate into society?”

You look up at her and glare at her.

“What are you saying?”

“Well, think about it, Anon. Let’s say you DO get your body back. Then what? You go back to your house and continue to drink on Friday nights and do any odd job you can get around town?”

“You don’t know my life, Cheerilee. Also, how do you know my weekly schedule?”

“Please, Anon,” Cheerilee says. “I’m a single mare with needs. And if you think that I’m not sizing up every stallion in town, you’re crazy.”

You blink and shake your head.

“I am not your problem to fix, Cheerilee.”

“I’m not here to fix you, Anon. I just want to help you live a little more in the present. Celestia forbid it might make you a little happier.”

You sigh.

“I already know they don’t like me. Hell, I was bullied just a few weeks ago.”

“So, you’re hiding next to the teacher so that you won’t get hurt?”

You remain silent and continue to watch the kids. You can’t help but watch on as a group of kids begin to play kickball. Man, it’s been forever. It would be fun to ask to join.

But how would you even do that?

Hello fellow kids. I am a fully grown man in a little kid’s body. Let me play with you in a totally not weird way.

But the whistle blows loudly, and puts an end to your reverie.

“Oh,” you mumble.

The filly holding the ball rolls it quickly to the other team’s kicker. The colt runs up and blasts the ball with all of his might. The ball flies to the third-baseman, who catches it with her wings. That’s two outs.

Your concentration is broken when your vision goes black.

“IM A GROWN MAN. THIS IS NOT YOUR FETISH.”

“Anon,” Cheerilee says, unenthused. “It’s a hat.”

You pull it off, and sure enough, you seem to have a new blue cap. On the front, a badge with the title “Hall Monitor” engraved in it.

“Congrats, you have a position of power now,” she says.

“Well that was a terrible idea,” you say to her. “I’m going to totally abuse this.”

“I really don’t think you will,” Cheerilee says. “I think you put on the ‘big jerk’ act as a defense mechanism. So, now, big jerk--”

“Mr. Jerk,” you interrupt.

“I need you to go referee that kickball game and make sure nopony gets in any fights or gets hurt. Okay?”

You look up to her, then back to the game.

“What if they don’t want me to play?” you ask.

“Then you try again. And you wear them down little by little until you get what you want.”

“Just like dating?” you ask.

Cheerilee looks down at you and sighs.

“I’m going to need a bottle of wine tonight.”

“Story of my love life,” you share, trotting away to the kids.

You eye up the pitcher and recognize that pony with a skull for a cutie mark. You can’t help but feel like it’s metal as f$%$.

As you approach the group, you can’t help but notice many of the children eyeing you carefully.

“Hey, uhm.” you say to the metal as f$%$ filly, walking through the field as the kids take their place. “Anypony need another teammate?”

“Yeah!” she says, “We need a shortstop. You game?”

“Yeah!”

You take your spot and watch. And play.

You look over your shoulder to Cheerilee who smiles gently.

The school bell rings and you sloppily dump your books into your bag. Of course you have to learn a whole different set of history. Math, science, writing (except for the using your mouth part) is all exactly the same. But you have to learn a whole NEW world history. Ugh.

“Hey, Anon,” you hear an unfamiliar voice call to you. You turn and find the skull cutie marked filly standing by your desk.

“Oh hey,” you say. “Petunia, right?”

“Yeah! Hey. You did really good at kickball today. Was it really your first time playing?”

“Well," You say. "Not really. The whole… adult in a child’s body thing.”

“Either way,” she says. “We’re playing a big game on Saturday in the park, and I think we can beat them for sure if you join our team. Are you in?”

You feel as if time stops for a second. A warmth builds in your chest and a smile involuntarily curls on your lips.

“Yeah, I’m in. For sure.”

“Awesome. Then see you tomorrow, Anon!”

Petunia scurries out of the classroom, leaving just you and Cheerilee. You pull the hat off your head, not realizing you wore it all day. You zip up your bag, sling it on, and walk up to Cheerilee’s desk.

“Uhm. I wanted to thank you for this,” you say, placing the hat on the desk. “But I’m not sure I need it anymore.”

“Keep it,” Cheerilee says with a smile.

She opens a drawer and pulls out a clear bag filled with dozens of identical caps.

“You know what the difference between a child and an adult is, Anon?” she asks.

You open your mouth to speak, but nothing comes out.

“Experience. Building the courage to do the things that scare them. What you do or what your responsibilities are don’t make you an adult. It’s how you live,” she says with a smile. “That’s why I became a teacher.”

You grab the hat and put it back on.

“Thanks, Cheerilee,” you say. “I think I learned something today.”

“Then I’m doing my job,” she says. “Tell Twilight hi for me.”

“Sure,” you say. You make your way to the door and push it wide.

“And be nice to Spike!” she adds as an afterthought.

“F$#@~ you, Cheerilee. You can’t tell me what to do!”

She chuckles lightly as you slam the door.

“Stupid Cheerilee. What does she even know.”

But never-the-less. You gallop home with a new confidence in your step, plans for your weekend, and one b%$#@in hat.

WHY IS SUNHORSE HERE

Life often leaves you with more questions than answers. For instance, if Twilight meant: “The most powerful sorceress” in Equestria, why did she say magician? In addition…

“Why does your mane wave like that all the time?” you ask Princess Celestia.

She eyes your form carefully, gently humming to herself when studying your tail and ears. Spike sits in the corner of the magic lab, flipping through a comic book and Twilight sorts through dozens of papers with her magic, each document flying through the air like a pigeon who is kind enough not to shit over everything you love in life.

“Anon, please let Celestia focus,” Twilight says, flipping through the pile of notes she made.

“He’s really quite alright, Twilight,” Celestia says. “I know the effect I have on children.”

“Is that gross?” you say. “Cause that sounds gross.”

“It’s not gross!” Twilight interjects. “Anon. Behave.”

“So, this happened because you used a teleportation spell,” Celestia clarifies. “You were aiming to teleport an apple from one side of town into your castle. Then, somehow, you accidentally teleported Anon here into your home, as a pony.”

“Yes,” Twilight says. She sets down her papers and approaches Celestia.

“And tell me about the satyr spell,” Celestia says, placing a hoof on your lower jaw and opening your mouth. “Nice teeth.”

You feel proud of your recent exploits in dental hygiene, and throw Twilight a proud look, which she pretends she didn’t see.

“The satyr spell was what I came up with when I reverse engineered the teleportation spell and what could have gone wrong. Three strange phonetic changes were able to give him half of his body back. Roughly translated from old poneish runes, I turned: ‘Bring the object I desire closer to me’ into ‘Bring the person who’s annoying into our form.’”

Celestia nods in understanding.

“Translation never was your strong suit. I always had Starswirl do my translations for me. Did you ‘A’ when you should have ‘Ae’d.”

“That, and I ‘o’ed when I should have ‘Ou’d. And I completely mumbled over an ‘eyh’.”

“Are you guys having a stroke?” you ask. “Because I can’t be expected to be a responsible adult.”

“Then why do you even want to be an adult human again,” Celestia asks.

“Because it feels icky. And sex is good.”

“ANON!” Twilight exclaims, her face fully flushed in irritation.

“No, it’s quite alright, Twilight,” Celestia says. “Sex is good. You should find out sometime.”

Twilight’s mouth drops in surprise, and beyond all comprehension, her face grows even redder.

“F$#@! burn,” you say. “I like you, Celestia. You can stay.”

“Don’t get any ideas,” she says. “But speaking of ideas, I’m genuinely surprised you’ve never mentioned transfiguration spells.”

Twilight’s mouth closes and her head tilts slightly.

“Transfiguration? But live being transfiguration is outlawed magic. The implications of changing a being from one form into another is so unethical.”

“Well,” Celestia says. “Like it or not, that's where we are. Some form of accidental black magic was cast and it turned poor Anon here into a pony.”

“Does this mean I broke the law?” Twilight asks.

Celestia shrugs.

“You’re a princess.”

“Good point,” Twilight says.

“Wait, are we seriously just going to gloss over this?!” you shout.

Spike, who has been sitting in the corner, trying not to be noticed decides to pipe up.

“It’s really better when you just let go and let them do stuff to you.”

“NOBODY CARES, SPIKE,” you shout at him.

He sighs and grabs another comic book.

“I tried,” he mumbles.

“But still,” Twilight says. “We would have to do so much research to try and find a spell that would return a being back to it’s original form. Even if we decide to push aside the ethics of performing this kind of magic-”

“Twilight,” Celestia interrupts. “I fought Discord.”

A silence falls over the room.

“Oh,” she says. “Yeah, that seems like something that would be good to have to clean up his messes.”

“It’s been a long time, mind you,” Celestia says. “But I believe I even still have a fully translated version in my study. I could just send it to you and then, boom. That’s it. Problem solved.”

Twilight shakes her head. You step forward and fall off your seat. Spike looks over his comic in surprise.

“Wait, that’s it?” you ask in disbelief. “Just like that? Back to normal.”

“It would sure seem so,” Princess Celestia says. “The spell is supposed to return any creature back to its original form. I don’t see why it wouldn’t fix it.”

Twilight sits and looks from Celestia to you.

“I guess I got so wrapped up in me being the one to fix this, that if I just would have asked sooner, we would have avoided a ton of-”

“Bulls$#@?”

“No, Anon. Shenanigans.”

Celestia smiles and nods.

“Well, it seems that we know what comes next,” Celestia says. “I’ll give all of you some time alone. In the meantime, I’ll fly back to Canterlot and get you that translation, Twilight.”

The room remains silent as Twilight looks from you back to Celestia.

“Would you like for me to come back and help with the spell?” she asks.

“Uhm,” Twilight opens her mouth to say something, but closes it. She shakes her head, and moves to stand up, but quickly retakes position, as if her legs forgot how to stand.

Honestly? It would be better for all of us to talk about this in private. Worst case, Twilight can send a letter, right?

“I trust Twilight can do this,” you say.

Celestia nods.

“Then I will await your message to hear how it turned out. Good luck, everypony.”

Celestia moves to the door of the lab, and lets herself out.

You look to Twilight, who stares at the floor. You move beside her and place a hoof on hers.

“You okay there, Twilight?” you ask.

She looks from you back to the floor.

“No. Honestly, I’m not.”

I Really Wish I Knew

Twilight reviews the scroll in front of her carefully. You can't help looking from her, to the indecipherable runes in front of her, then back to her.

"Well?" you ask. "What do you think?"

Twilight nods and looks at you.

"This should do it, I think. If Celestia has used it on all sorts of ponies and creatures, I have no reason to think that it wouldn't work."

"Yeah," you say. "That makes sense."

And it does. But there's a weight in the air. A silence. A dread. An excitement.

"I guess, we should do it then, and put you back to normal, right?" Twilight says, something in her voice betraying a complex mix of emotions she's holding beneath the surface. A slight space between her words. An unnaturality in her pitch.

Enough of this.

"Twilight?" you ask. "What happens after?"

An uncomfortable pause from Twilight betrays her true feelings. The knife plunges deep into its heart.

"What do you mean, Anon?" Twilight asks. "This is it! This is everything we've worked for. You get to go back to normal. Well, the old normal. You'll be back in your human male body, and you can go back to your job, and bacon, and drinking and all of those other things you like. Heck, you can even say that word again."

"You mean F$#@?"

"Yes that one."

The silence hangs in the air once more.

"But I mean," you continue. "What's going to happen to us afterward?"

Twilight sits on the floor beside you and places a hoof on your shoulder.

"Anon, even though you've been in a child's body for months, you've always been an adult in your mind. I adopted you because I felt terrible for the magic accident, and I wanted to fix this, rather than have you swept up into some sort of child system. After this, well, by the numbers... I fixed everything. And you can go back to your normal life. Technically, we don't have to cross paths ever again if you don't want us to."

"Well that sounds terrible," you say. "So we can scratch that."

Twilight blinks.

"You mean, you aren't mad about the whole--"

"Don't get me wrong, I'm really happy you fixed this," you interrupt. "I was furious for weeks after the transformation. But you made life really bearable for me. I learned to kind of... accept my new body. Going back is going to be great, but it doesn't mean I don't appreciate everything you did for me."

You breathe in deeply through your nose and exhale through your teeth.

"I just don't see how we can't be friends after all of this. I feel like I'd be losing something really important if I didn't. And, well. I hope you feel the same."

Twilight rests her head on top of yours, reminding you once more that you're smol.

"Of course, Anon." After a short moment, you break away from her show of affection.

"I hate when you do that."

"I know," Twilight says. "What do ya say, Anon? Ready to grow up?"

You shake your head while crossing the room.

"How long had you been waiting to say that?"

"It's the best one-liner I could come up with. Cut me some slack."

You turn on the spot across the room, the spot that Twilight always made you stand when you were testing a new spell. You look down at the X on the floor with a sort of wistful feeling in your chest, thinking it will likely be the last day this tape is still on Twilight's floor.

"Alright, Twilight. Make me normal again."

A bright silver light shines throughout the room. As soon as you see it, it's already over. In sheer astonishment, outside of a near blinding light, it felt like nothing even happened.

"Did you do it?" you ask. "Why did you stop?"

Twilight stares at you.

You look down at yourself, and that's when you noticed that you're on all fours. Your hands and feet are flatly on the ground. Your butt is raised high in the air. You're as naked as the day you were born.

"I-I uh. I'll get those clothes we brought!" Twilight blurts as she runs out of the room.

"Y-yeah, thanks."

"Well, I guess that's it," you say, the cold night air even more frigid against your exposed cheeks. That's going to be one thing you miss about fur. "My house is just up ahead, and you already gave me my key."

"You sure, Anon?" Twilight says. "I really don't mind helping you get settled on your first night. It's really the least I can do."

"I got this, Twilight. Really. Plus it will be nice to come back home on, well, my own terms."

You stop right as your road turns off, any further and you'd be on your way to Fluttershy's cottage and the Everfree Forest.

Twilight looks up at you and nods.

"Were you always this tall?" she asks. "I swear I'm going to pull something in my neck if I have to look up at you all the time."

You chuckle and kneel down to her.

"Careful Twi, my mannerisms are rubbing off on you."

"Says the pony who hasn't been swearing as much."

"Person," you correct.

"Is that what that feels like?" Twilight asks. "I really need to stop doing that."

You wrap your arms around her neck, and she wraps her hooves around you. You feel her wings wrap around your back and pull you tight. And in that moment, you feel a soft warmth well up from deep within you.

"Thanks again, Twilight. Really."

"It's not a problem. We're still on for lunch on Saturday, right?" she asks.

"Of course."

You attempt to break the hug, but she still holds tightly. Your smile widens just a crack. You can't help thinking to yourself that whatever foal she has is going to have a great Mom.

She lets go, and you stand back up.

"See you then, Twilight."

"See you, Anon. If you ever need anything, don't be afraid to stop by. Any time."

"Of course, Twi."

You turn down your road and begin to walk.

"Anon!" she calls. "I really mean it!"

You wave a hand as you keep walking. If you stopped and said bye for each time she would, the two of you could get into an endless loop. After all, there's no sense in being sad. It's not really the end. She's always going to be on the other side of town, ready to visit, right? There's literally no reason to be choked up or emotional right now. So there's no reason she needs to see your face. After all, this is a really good day.

Your home stands in the distance, and you can't help but break into a brisk jog. The speed is almost a little disorienting. You slow down, feeling your stomach churn.

But the feeling is short lived when you see the front door wide open.

You walk up carefully to get a closer look at your house. One of your windows is completely shattered. Getting closer, you see the majority of the glass fragments are inside the house, not outside. Meaning it was broken from the outside. And with the door being open...

"Hello?" you call out.

You step through the front door and look around. Your TV is missing. but all in all the house seems to be almost exactly as you left it, with the exception of a thick layer of dust and some glass around the window that's shattered. In a way, the home feels... haunted.

"Is anyone there?" you ask. Whoever stole your TV is probably long gone, but you can't help but feel the weight of the world come crashing down on your shoulders again. Welcome back to adulthood, Anon. Of course somepony found out you weren't living here and couldn't get in, and seized the opportunity. That's life.

You flip a nearby light switch, and nothing happens. The power is still out.

"I guess months of unpaid bills do that."

You head over to the fridge whose door is open wide and a few gentle squeaks mumble from inside. Looks like a few mice made sure that none of your food went to waste. That's probably a good thing. No horrible odors or anything.

Using the light from the setting sun outside, you ascend the stairs to your bedroom. You've never been a particularly clean person, but you can't help but look at your unmade bed and see it as a kind of child's room.

You head to your sock drawer and pull out a small bag. There were more bits in the bank, but of course, without a matching I.D. they weren't able to be withdrawn. And it looks like some good for nothing kids broke in and only took the TV.

"Looks like I'm going out tonight."

And you have just the place in mind.

You pull open the door to your favorite bar in town. And sure enough, right beside your seat, is that familiar mare who never failed to keep your evenings interesting.

Berry seems to be on her second glass of wine, because there's at least one empty on the bar in front of her. But who knows. She could have been going at this for hours before this. You pull the stool beside her away and she puts a hoof down on it.

"I'm waiting for a friend," she says, her eyes still fixed on the glass in front of her.

"Sorry for running late," you say.

She turns, visibly surprised. Then a smile creeps on her face.

"You little S$#@. What took you so long?"

"I believe you mean 'Shit.' And they had human bodies on back order at the body store. Can you believe it? And their prices were out of this world."

She slaps you with a hoof and you sit down beside her.

"That's really the best you could come up with?"

"Honestly, yeah," you say. "I spent the rest of my cash on dick size instead of wit."

"A noble cause!" she says, raising her glass. You can't help but chuckle.

"Well, there he is," the bartender says, approaching you and berry. "What'll it be."

"Well... How about a scotch? To celebrate."

"He's on me tonight, Cedar," Berry says.

"You don't have to do that," you say. "I've got bits."

Berry shakes her head and snickers.

"You're cute, you know that?"

And in that moment, something drops in the pit of your stomach. Something changes within you. You feel... almost hurt. You feel... small.

"Yeah?" you ask, quietly.

Berry blinks and takes a sip of her drink.

"Anon. I'm sorry. I meant it as a compliment. I didn't know it would get under your skin."

You try to find the right words to say as the bartender puts a scotch in front of you.

"Welcome back to being a Stallion, son," the bartender says as he trots away to the next guest.

"Honestly? I didn't know it would," you say.

You take a sip of the smokey, charred whiskey and feel it burn down the back of your throat. You eye its amber like glow in the lights above you. Is this really that special?

"Are you okay, Anon?" Berry asks. "I thought you wanted this."

"I did want this," you say. "I'm happy to be back in my body. My REAL body. I just. I don't know. I thought it would be different. I thought I would feel more like me. When I was a filly, it was easy for me to point at my body and be like BOOM. That's what's wrong. But now..."

You open your mouth to say something, but then just turn in your chair to her.

"Do you know how weak and helpless it felt to be, like, 2 feet tall? Sure you do. You were a filly once. But I mean, I never had that. And I felt just so weak and helpless and It never really clicked in my head until, like, right now that I'm weak and helpless even as an adult. My house was broken into. And sure, maybe only my TV was taken, but I've got to restart from almost scratch, and it just feels so daunting. Like I can't hold up under the pressure. And I can't help but feel like I'm going to hear someone tell me 'You just gotta be an adult. Just be a bigger man about it and you'll be fine.' But I don't feel like a man. At least, not all the time. Hell. Sometimes, when I was a filly, I felt like I was in the right body. And I could just accept that I was weak and helpless and had to ask ponies for help. I mean, SHIT man."

You slam your scotch down on the counter. A few ponies around the bar look at you. You catch yourself for a moment. Your breathing is rapid. You raise a hand to the other ponies around the bar and they go back to their business.

"Anon..." Berry says softly.

"I don't know. I'm beginning to wonder if I made the right choice. Maybe being a kid was better."

Berry puts a hoof on your arm and you look up into her eyes.

"Do you know what I mean?"

Berry looks to her glass of wine and takes it by the stem. Then sets it down and pushes it away.

"I have this friend, Anon. You might have seen her before. Brown mane? Orange fur? Now, I know this will be a weird comparison. And maybe it's not fair to really... do this, but I'm trying to understand, okay?" she says, then pauses before continuing. "She wasn't always. Well. A mare. And when she wasn't. She always felt like she had some sort of... Stallion Standard that she had to hold up to. And it ate at her. All the time. Because she never really felt like a stallion. Ever, really. So, she did a lot of counseling, and, well, she decided to transition."

You nod and look down at your body.

"It's not really fair to make that comparison though," you say. "I mean. I didn't want to make the transition the first time, and I wanted to go back. So, I'm not sure that talking about someone whose trans is really appropriate to my situation."

"And it isn't," Berry says. "But one of the things she felt was... S$#@ it's on the tip of my tongue. Body Dysphoria. And it's this really serious condition where people stress and about their appearance. And to be clear, I'm not trying to diagnose you. For one, I'm not a doctor. And two, I haven't had enough wine. But the point I'm trying to make is that at the end of the day, if you're in a body that makes you feel comfortable and feel more like you, that's what's most important. Because at the end of the day, things like gender or fur color don't matter. You have to like who you are on the inside."

You wrap your hand around Berry's hoof.

"Heck, not liking myself is why I stopped drinking as much."

The silence hangs in the air, drifting between the space between you and Berry.

"When did that start?" you ask.

She opens her mouth then shakes her head.

"I'll just say, I wish I remembered what happened when you woke up at my place that one day. Can I leave it at that?"

You nod then look at the scotch in front of you.

"Yeah, and I won't press."

"After all, we're talking about you," she adds, quickly pushing the subject away.

"I guess," you say. "I guess. I'm just trying to say that sometimes I don't really feel like I'm a guy or a girl. I mean. It's hard to explain. And it's hard to talk about. I don't really know what I'm saying."

"And that's okay, Anon," Berry says. "Maybe it's a result of the transformation. But hey, if it isn't, maybe you're non-binary, and that's okay too. You are my friend. And I like who you are. Not what you look like."

You grab your scotch again and take another sip.

"The dick helps though?" you ask.

She snorts an unexpected laugh.

"Sure, let's go with that," Berry says.

She looks up to the glass of wine, then to the bartender, then around at the ponies in the bar.

"Let's get out of here."

You squirt scotch out your nose.

"What?"

"Fine, I'll spell it out. Anon, we've had enough drunken conversations to know we like each other. We have more in common than just drinking. You're a good person. And I know you're going through a lot, and it's not fair to ask, but we've been friends for... I've lost track."

You blink and sip your scotch.

"You want to date... me?" you ask. "I'm not even your species."

"Trust me, I know having you meet my parents won't be easy. That's a whole mess. And. I."

Berry then stops. Something strange begins to happen in front of your eyes. In front of you, you almost don't see the grown mare that you've gotten to know over your time in Ponyville. Instead... well. It's just a scared filly. Trying to figure out life one step at a time.

"Listen, if you don't want to, I understand. It was stupid of me to ask."

"No, I do. I want to give this a shot," you say. "I'd regret it if I threw away giving us a shot."

She leans on your shoulder.

"Then. Do you wanna meet up at my place?"

"Sure. Just. Can I ask two things?" you ask.

She looks up at you and nods.

"First, well. I guess I wanna take it slow. If that makes sense," you ask.

Berry gently places a hoof on your leg.

"Of course, but I reserve the right to gently flirt with you, if that's okay."

You chuckle and nod.

"And second. And I know this is weird, but, do you mind if I pick up some stuff from Twilight's place? I left a few things there that would make it easier to crash at your place."

Berry leans back in surprise.

"Er, if that's what you suggested. Sorry. My house just feels weird to go into-- and I dunno. I shouldn't have assumed."

"Well, all I have is my couch or the bed. So you'll have to choose between one of those two. We can hash it out when you get there."

You can't help but smile.

"Thanks, Berry."

You lean forward and give her a tight hug. You down the scotch and make your way outside.

You knock on the door of Twilight's Castle. You look up at the moon and think to yourself it must be no more than 10pm. You shift on your feet, feeling uncomfortable.

The door opens slightly.

"Listen Twilight, I just need to make sure that we don't love-"

Spike peeks his head out. He remains silent as he looks up at you. A part of you feels like you drank a bottle of mouthwash.

"Five bits if you never say a word."

"Deal," he says, holding out his claw.

You deposit five bits and he takes them.

"I'll get Twilight for you."

You step inside the castle, and the familiar warmth returns. Twilight descends the stairs eagerly.

"Anon? Is everything alright?" she asks. "I knew I should have followed you to your house. Did something happen."

"Twilight, it's okay. Really. I'm fine."

Twilight exhales in relief.

"For a second I was worried somepony broke into your house or the power wasn't back on or something."

"Actually both of those are true. But I--"

"WHAT?!"

"Listen. I want to talk to you about something serious."

Twilight examines you for a second. You can see the creases of her face firm into her typical anxious worry.

"Sure, I'll make some tea."

She ushers you to the kitchen, but you feel as if you're simply following her through your home. Honestly, even though you were meeting up on Saturday to get whatever things you wanted to keep, a part of you wishes you could just stay here.

But that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.

Everything is different when you're an adult. It's harder to find the levity in things. Problems feel like they just get harder and harder. And when you're young, you only care about simple things. Like games at recess. But when you get older, everything changes. And the same old simple problems just... change.

You sit down at the table and watch as Twilight frantically puts together a kettle of water and two mugs.

"It must be really important if you came here this late. You know, if you need to stay here until everythings settles at home, that's okay."

"That means a lot Twilight, but no. I actually needed to get a firm answer on something."

You look down at your hands and firmly squeeze them into fists. Twilight sits down from across from you.

"I'm all ears," she says soothingly.

And in that moment, you feel like you could ask her anything. Tell her anything. And wonder if you aren't about to make the worst mistake in your life. Maybe you are.

"This bond we have. It's not romantic, right?"

Twilight blinks.

"I mean, do I have to spell it out?" you say. "I think I love you. But not like... in the pretty, romantic kissy way. More, like. I dunno. I never got the chance to be close to my Mom when I was young. Especially after the divorce. And I think I have feelings for this other mare in town. But it also just didn't feel... the same. And everything feels weird now that I'm not a filly. And I just had to tell someone. Because everything is all jumbled up in my head. And I really need someone in my life I can lean on. I just don't know what to do now, Mom."

You inhale. The alarms in your head scream.

"Er, I mean, Twilight."

Twilight smiles and looks down at the table.

"That probably shouldn't have made me feel good, huh?" Twilight asks.

"I don't even know anymore," you say. "I should probably talk to a therapist or something."

"That's probably smart," Twilight says. "And I'm more than happy to be somepony in your life you can lean on, Anon. I'm here for you. And no, our relationship isn't romantic. Whatever you want to call it is okay with me."

You collapse against the table. The kettle begins to whistle. And all you can do is just laugh.

"Do you have any idea how much better I feel?"

Twilight shakes her head, rises from the table and begins to pour the tea.

"You're a lot like me, Anon. Although you don't realize it. You get really anxious over really small things sometimes. Part of the reason I really began to enjoy helping you as a filly was how much you reminded me of myself. And hearing you talk about your feelings, it reminded me a lot of how I felt about Princess Celestia. And it's... well. I'm not used to being on the other side. But I certainly don't mind. It's nice."

She levitates a mug to you and she takes her seat once more.

"So, no. I don't care if you date anypony. I'm happy for you. After all, what could I say. No? I'm not your real mom."

You can't help but laugh, pulling the mug to you and pressing it against your cheek. You probably should sit up, but it feels nice to just let go right now.

"But more importantly, who is this mare?"

"Berry Punch," you say, running your hands through your hair. "She's awesome. We've always been good friends."

"I heard she started drinking a lot more for a while after you became a filly. Then when she heard you were trying to turn back, she began to try and limit herself," she said. "But maybe that's a rumor."

"I dunno," you say, going back to sitting like a normal person. "Until she called me cute, I'm not sure she would have ever told me."

"Oh I bet you hated that," Twilight said after a sip of wine. "Are you sleeping at her place tonight?"

"Probably," you respond. "I'm still getting my head on straight. I kinda feel like I swallowed that dragon dildo."

"That reminds me," Twilight adds. "You really need to take that tonight or Spike might find it and get ideas."

"Good thinking."

You take a sip of your tea and nearly burn your mouth. And for the first time since you had your body, you feel like you. Like things are going to be okay.

"You probably shouldn't keep her waiting though, Anon." Twilight says. "If you need to stay here, I understand."

"I know, I know. I'm just trying to figure out how I can walk over there with a dragon dildo and say I'm not in the mood."

Twilight shrugs.

"Sword fight?"

Another involuntary laugh escapes you.

"My sense of humor really did rub off on you."

You rise from your seat and stretch out your arms, trying to get used to all the muscles you recently reclaimed.

"Can I ask you something, Anon?"

You nod, placing your hands on the back of the chair.

"Of course. Shoot."

"Why do you hate being called cute?" she asks. "Boys and girls can both be cute. And usually it's seen as a sort of compliment. I've seen you bask in praise before. I guess it just never really made sense to me."

You look down at the half empty glass of tea.

"I guess, in a lot of ways, it made me feel weak. Like I was less of a man. Or. Well. Person. I know people are supposed to like it, and should just shrug it off. Why are you taking it so seriously or whatever. But it always made me feel... reduced."

"I think I get it," Twilight said. "But, you do know that it's okay to be cute, right? Like, ponies like you. It's okay to be who you are. Even if one of the words to describe it is cute."

You fidget with your fingers, trying to find the right words to say.

"I guess I'm just not really comfortable with who I am. And I've still got a lot to figure out."

You sit back down in your seat and drain your tea. Berry can wait a few more minutes. Maybe it's something in the air, or something about this place, but right now, you're having a special moment with one of the most important peop- ponies, in your life.

"Do you have any idea how long it takes to feel comfortable in your own skin, Twilight?" you ask.

Twilight mulls it over for a moment then takes a sip of her tea.

"Anon, I really wish I knew."

Author's Note

Thanks for reading DON'T CALL ME CUTE!

It's been a long ride, and I hope this ending... well. Does the story justice. Tell me what you thought of the story in a comment! If you'd like, give me a follow or check out some of my other stories.

please dont hate it please don't hate it

I WILL END YOU

They say 'when in Rome, do as the Romans do.' It makes sense. When you're out of your element, you blend yourself in. Assimilate, so to speak. But not in a weird, scary, dystopian way. Except, you're in a magical horse world called Equestria. In fact, you have been in Equestria for quite a while. But this story isn't about how long you've been in Equestria.

The sun beats in through your bedroom window. The bed-covers are warm, holding you gently as you slowly rise from your slumber. You open your eyes, black hair hanging down messily in front of your face. You raise a hoof to uncover your eyes when-

Wait. Immersion broken. ABORT.

Your eyes shoot open. You look at your hand. No. Hoof. Yes. That is a actual equine green hoof where your hand should be.

You leap out of bed and onto your feet. Er. Hooves. Strangely, you can stand straight up. But as you look down at your body, you notice many things extremely quickly. If you had to represent your thought process in words... it would be something like...

What? WHAT?! WHY? Oh my god. I'm a pony. Why am I so short? OH GOD I'm a LITTLE PONY. LIKE. A YOUNG ONE. How does that-- Wait. Where did my dick go? OH GOD ARE THOSE CROTCH TITS?! NOOOOOOOOPE.

You try to run over to your mirror, but fall on your face. Because you're a horse now. You carefully rise to all fours and 'QWOP' your way to your mirror.

Sure enough, you are in fact a green filly with a black mane and trembling emerald green eyes. As you turn, you notice your long black tail, and a question mark cutie mark. It's as if the world itself said: "Hey man, I dunno what to do with you. Hell with it. Figure it out."

"Oh, my Celestia," you mutter. But that wasn't what you tried to mutter. So you try again. "Oh my... Celestia?"

Celestia Damnit. This is just stupid. Now you can't even say what you want to say. Wait. Did you not even think what you wanted to think?

A shiver of fear spreads through your body.

"I've gotta see Twilight."

You charge into Twilight’s Library, and the mare is looking at you with a series of confused glances that you didn’t know ponies could make. It’s probably similar to when your Grandma made you goulash that one time, but she kept calling it quiche. So you had to just keep saying ‘Mmm. This is some good quiche.’ Dementia is a bitch.

"TWILIGHT MY BODY IS CHANGING AND MAKING WEIRD FLUIDS AND I DON'T KNOW WHY!"

It tasted awful. The quiche. Not the fluids.

Anyway, Twilight is noticeably concerned. She puts down her book and she trots over to you, her hoof-steps clacking against the crystal floors.

“Well, uhm. Hello little filly. I haven’t seen you around Ponyville before… Where are your parents?”

“I’M ANON, TWILIGHT. I’M THE HUMAN.”

Twilight pauses, staring down at you.

“How?” she asks, her tone giving away that it is clearly not the only question on her mind.

“THAT’S WHAT I WANNA KNOW!”

Twilight simply stares down at you, as if the real Twilight had noped off to Uganda or something and left this puppet of a pony in her place to try and make some sort of sense of the situation in front of her.

“Why are you young?” Twilight asks in a deadpan tone.

“WHY AM I A GIRL?!” you scream.

“Okay, now let’s not panic,” Twilight says.

“I AM A HORSE NOW. WHY SHOULDN’T I PANIC? I THINK IT’S A F%$#!%@#-”

It’s at that moment that a loud beep exits your mouth. Almost like a dial tone. Not words. Just a tone.

“Wait, what?” you say. “F%$#. S%#$. Oh my Celestia, this is some bulls4#@.”

“Well, to be honest?” Twilight says, turning to her books. “That’s at least one improvement.”

“Oh, F%%# you,” you respond. “Twilight, you’re the ultimate deus ex machina. Get me back into my body.”

“Well, honestly Anon?” Twilight says. “We have no idea what did this to you. We have no idea what kind of side effects could occur or if there are other changes that are still going to happen. If I start doing random spells on you right now, we could do more lasting harm to you than good.”

“S%#,” you mumble. “So how can we find out?”

“Well,” Twilight says. “We’ll have to perform some tests to see what’s happening to you. Who knows how long that could take? Days? Weeks? If we can’t find out what’s happening, we can’t reverse it.”

You growl. Of course. Of freaking course the book horse needs to use the scientific method to figure this crud out. Where’s that new purple one? She does magic first and then asks questions later…

“Well what the h$#@ am I supposed to do in the meantime?”

“Well, what would a cute little-”

“Don’t you f#@$%^ dare call me cute, Sparkle,” you growl. “I will cut you.”

Twilight turns to glare at you.

“Ya done?” you reiterate.

You sit on the ground like a dog and fold your front hooves.

“What I was saying is, fillies about your… uh. Pony age, go to school. You might as well do that.”

You actually laugh out loud.

“Twilight, if you think, for a single second, that I am going to go to school, you are out of your Celestia d$#@ mind.”

“Rumble, what’s three plus three?” Cheerilee asks.

“Uh….” the pony lazily groans, as if he pulled up to the drive through menu and then suddenly forgot everything he wanted to order. “Five?”

Apparently, he forgot his order and was high as a kite.

“IT’S F%$#@% SIX. IT’S SIX YOU F#$@^%@ IMBECILE.”

“Anon!” Cheerilee chastises from the front of the room. “I have had just about enough of your outbursts. That’s detention.”

“I AM A GROWN MAN IN A PONY BODY,” you shout at the teacher pony. Honestly? You always thought she was kinda hot, but now that you’re a filly and no longer have a dick, those sort of sexual thoughts create more uncomfortable questions than you’re willing to answer today. That's next week Anon problems. “THIS IS BULLS$!@#!”

“Alright class,” Cheerilee says to her students, ignoring you. “It’s time for cookies and juice.”

“AW S%#,” you scream with joy while the other ponies cheer. Finally something you can get behind as a child non-sexually.

“Except for Anon,” Cheerilee continues. “Run along outside to play while I have a talk with our new student.”

The ponies bustle out of the classroom as you slam your head on the desk. This is like one of your worst nightmares. Except, like, ponified. The teacher moves up beside you and sits down. The look in her eyes isn’t one of reproach, but one of caring and concern.

“Anon,” Cheerilee says softly. “I know that things are hard right now.”

“Tell me about it,” you mumble into your wooden desk surface.

“But right now we’re in a really tough situation. There are laws regarding unattended and orphan children.”

“But I’m an adult,” you say, sitting up and looking her in the eye. “And more than that, I own real estate. I budget. I cook my own meals. I do all of the adulting.”

“We know, and we’re trying to keep all of that in place. But if somepony who isn’t from Ponyville sees some filly who isn’t in the system… well, it creates a lot of problems.”

You stare at the mare.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for one, Twilight is going to adopt you. You’re adopted.”

You pause, staring incredulously at the horse in front of you.

“That was not what I expected.”

“For two, you need to keep going to school.”

“What about my job?!” you growl.

“Well, technically you live on disability now.”

“Oh, well okay. That works, I guess. Hooray for government care.”

“So, until this is all sorted, you’ll have to be this cute, little-”

“I WILL END YOU IF YOU CALL ME CUTE.”

You slam the doors of the Ponyville Castle shut behind you as you make your way into the kitchen. There, sitting at the kitchen table, is Spike.

“How’s it goin’, Anon?” he asks, setting down his comic book.

“F%@$ off, trash dragon.”

You make your way to the kitchen counter to grab a cookie when-

Oh F$@!# hell, you’re too short to reach them. You collapse on the ground, lying on your belly and splaying out all your hooves.

“Spike, kill me. End my existence once and for all. I’m fed up with this world.”

“What? Why?” Spike asks, stepping down from the table.

“I can’t cuss. I don’t have my little buddy anymore. I’ve already masturbated seven times today, and that got old quick. I’m too short to reach anything. Everypony keeps treating me like I’m a kid. And THAT. I keep doing that EVERYPONY thing. IT JUST HAPPENS.” You ruffle your mane in frustration and cover your head with your hooves.

You sniff.

“I just want to be in my old body.”

A silence falls over the room. You feel a scaly claw touch your back.

“Would you like some chocolate milk?” he asks.

“No. I don’t want some chocolate milk,” you pout.

Another silence.

“You suuuuuure you don’t want any chocolate milk?”

You pause.

“Yes, I want some chocolate milk.”

“I’ll get you some chocolate milk,” he says with a smile. “Now sit up and let me tell you something.”

The dragon sits down in front of you while you sit up like a dog, wiping your face with a hoof.

“We’re gonna get you out of this, alright?” he says confidently. “This sucks. But you’ll be back in your human body in no time. I promise.”

You look up to him with wide eyes.

“Promise?”

He takes a step back.

“Yeah, but as long as you don’t do that. Jeez man, that was so cute that I forgot-”

You leap forward onto the dragon and land punch after punch into his stupid face.

“I. AM. NOT. CUTE,” you accent with each strike.

Suddenly you’re lifted into the air with a light purple aura and Spike sits up.

“It’s okay, Twilight,” Spike says. “I’m fine. It was the intensity of, like, a pillow fight.”

“I CAN’T EVEN BEAT YOU UP?!” you scream. "JUST KILL ME!"

“Anon,” Twilight says firmly. “I have no choice but to put you in time out.”

“NO, F%@# OFF. FIGHT THE POWER. YOU CAN’T KEEP ME DOWN. I’M A GROWN MAN.”

You lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, groaning to yourself. This isn’t your bed. This isn’t your home. This isn’t your body. This isn’t your life. How long are you going to have to stay a filly?

You roll over in bed and sigh to yourself.

“Maybe it won’t be so bad,” you mumble. “I used to remember when things were easier when I was a kid. Maybe I can make the best of this.”

You stare into space, before you sit up in bed.

“Oh Celestia, I’m never going to get laid. Like, ever.”

And this was the first day of many in your new life as filly Anon.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T BUY PORN?

“Twilight, I need you to buy me porn.”

“Wait, what?” Twilight says, looking up from her morning coffee and newspaper.

“I’m a grown man. A man horse, if you will. I haven’t gotten off in, like, a month because I don't understand female body parts and am too awkward to learn. Spike is jerking the gerkin three times a day. I want to get off. I need porn and a dildo.”

Twilight glares down at you, stupefied. You glare up at Twilight.

“No,” she says, baffled she had to say anything at all.

“BUT WHY? YOU KNOW I’M OF LEGAL AGE. KIND OF. NONE OF THE OTHER DUMB PONIES KNOW BUT YOU. I demand dildos.”

“No,” she says. “It can’t be done.”

“Why?!”

Twilight sighs and turns to give you her undivided attention.

“Anon, I’m a Princess. Do you know what would happen if I all of a sudden was seen in a sex shop? The press would go to town. Go to Rarity. She’s probably got a selection because she's old and lonely.”

“GROSS!” you groan. “I don’t want some gross used dildo. That's going inside my body.”

“How would you know the difference?” she asks. “You’ve never dealt with a vagina before. Or anything like this.”

“I will know the difference because I will think of your dumb fashion friend, slamming her hole with a huge dragon cock.”

“Wait, who ever said anything about a dragon cock.”

“I dunno man. It looks pretty. Like, why not? Treat yourself and S$#@.”

Twilight glares at you.

“Like, I figure if I’m gonna shove something in my body, I might as well get the good stuff and be a fancy B$#@# about it.”

She opens her mouth to refute you, but then looks away with a huff.

“I mean, that makes sense, and actually checks out. That's how I did it. But, we have Spike living here. It be really weird for you to have a dragon dildo around an actual dragon.”

You shrug.

“Yeah, but I don’t even really like him. He talks like a dying dog. He eats all of my secret food. And I think he eats his own poop.”

“Anon,” Twilight says to you. “Spike is not a dog, doesn’t eat his poop, and hasn’t had an accident in months.”

“Maybe in this world. But anyway. How else could I get off? I have needs, Twilight.”

“Well, you could use a pen like other mares your age.”

“But, like, that doesn’t seem big enough to scratch the itch.”

“And welcome to the first big lesson of marehood," Twilight says, turning to her paper. "What you say is: It’s not the size of the pen, it’s-”

“I AM NOT A MARE. I AM A HUMAN MALE.”

“You identify as a human male.”

“TWILIGHT.”

“I know, I know,” she says impatiently. “Just. Listen. I want you to realize that there is a solid, reasonable chance that you may never leave this body. And if that happens…”

You slam your hoof on the table.

“Don’t say that, Twilight.”

Twilight stops for a moment, then takes a deep breath before speaking again.

“Listen. Go see Rarity. I know you don’t like her, BUT, go get a dildo-!” Twilight stands up for a second, as if something suddenly dawned on her. “You’re an adult! We can talk about adult things! Which means I can make this joke!”

“What joke?” you ask.

A shine gleams in Twilight’s eyes.

“Anon,” Twilight says with pride. “Go %##@ yourself!”

“Anon! So lovely to see you,” Rarity calls as the bell to her Boutique jingles.

“Rarity,” you order. “Give me a dildo! I’m sure you have hundreds because you’re sad, pathetic, and alone."

“Well, She stopped crying, Anon,” Twilight says, walking into your bedroom, still wearing a saddlebag from Rarity’s Boutique that probably cost way too much.

“I still don’t get what I did,” you mutter. “You’re supposed to tell the truth as a kid.”

“Well, you just get to stay in your room and think about what you did,” Twilight commands.

“WHAT!” you shout in pure fury. “BUT I SPENT SO LONG IN HERE ALREADY. IT’S BEEN LIKE TWO HOURS.”

“Well, you have a whole lot to think about.” She says, walking out of the room. But then she stops, just before she leaves. “But, you did get Rarity to start dating again. So…”

Twilight drops the saddlebag, walks out, and closes the door behind her.

The room goes silent. What the heck? What did she just leave you? You pause and jump off of your bed. You scurry over to the bag and open it up.

Sure enough, in the bag, is a… unwrapped dragon dildo. You pull it out and examine it in mild amazement.

“Wait a second,” you mutter to yourself, continuing to pull MORE shaft out of the bag. “What the hell… this is SO BIG.”

You flip the bag and the whole dildo slinks out and flops onto the ground with a thwack.

“THIS IS BIGGER THAN MY TORSO. WHAT THE HELL. NO! THIS IS NOT GOING INSIDE ME!”

Then, a small pen clinked to the ground. You blinked. Then, a small note flutters to the bottom from inside the bag.

‘Lesson 2: Mares Make Do.”

You take a deep breath and grab the pen.

“Alright. Here goes nothing."

WHOOPS IM DRUNK

“I’m BOOOOREEDDD” you yell at the ceiling, flailing all four of your hooves like an octopus that ate an exceptionally spicy fish. A wasabi fish. A Wasabish. More like a wasabitch.

God I need more booze.

You roll off your back and your ears perk up.

“Actually,” you mumble to yourself. “That’s not a bad idea. I’m an adult. I can totally drink.”

You stand and mosey your way through Twilight’s castle to the Library, where Twilight probably is. She’s sitting comfortably in a chair and levitating a book in front of her. You can’t help but feel like she’s been exceptionally kind to you. The two of you have developed a trust lately that has felt… well. Special.

You trot up to her and look up at her with your wide filly eyes.

“Twilight can I have $10 to get F%$@!# up on whiskey?”

Twilight looks away from her book, puts her bookmark inside, and closes it.

The book thwaps you in the nose.

“No. Bad Anon. No alcohol.”

“BUT TWILIGHT!”

“Anon. You are in a child body. Your liver isn’t even fully developed. Well. Yet. And we don’t know if any of your Human body tolerances or adjustments transferred.”

“We know I can’t eat bacon.”

“So probably not.”

“TWILIGHT!” you scream. “I am a young developing mare and I have a need for whiskey!”

“No.”

“Okay, fine.” you sigh. “I’ll settle for beer.”

“No.”

“Light beer?”

“No.”

“Okay now you’re just being unreasonable.”

Twilight thwaps you again.

“Hey!”

“No, Anon. Listen to me.” Twilight reiterates. “There’s a certain point where we cannot predict how your body is going to handle these sort of adult substances. I understand you’re bored. I know I’ve made my own fair number of mistakes from being bored.”

“Who did you do?”

“This isn’t about me right now! Okay? Focus,” Twilight waves, her face flushing a deep scarlet. “If you have any alcohol in your young body it could completely damage your bodily organs.”

“But I’m going to go back to being a human anyway. So who cares?”

“I care, Anon!” Twilight says. “If we cast the spell to turn you back and it doesn’t work the way we expect. You could have some weird disease!”

“There’s a joke somewhere about liver disease and living, but I’m not enough of an alcoholic to figure it out right now. Consider yourself lucky.”

“Understand, Anon?” Twilight asks. “I need a clear answer on this one.”

You sigh and resign yourself to your answer.

“Alright. No alcohol. I understand.”

You turn and leave the library. Knowing that you now get to do what every other kid does when they can’t get booze from mom and dad.

Find an alcoholic.

The streets of Ponyville are somewhat quiet on this weekend afternoon, but you already know where your favorite bar used to be. Even if they won’t serve you anymore. And as you trot to the front, you find your favorite drinking buddy passed out in the alley beside the bar.

“Berry!” you call to her.

“Kill meeee,” she groans.

“Not today, old friend. Not today.”

She groans and looks up to you, shielding her eyes from the blistering sun.

“Anon?”

“In the horse flesh. How are you?”

“Oh, you know what they say. Liquor in the liver keeps you living.”

“See, I knew there was something,” you mutter. “Anyway. Gimme booze.”

She laughs and rolls back onto her front.

“No chance, Anon. I ain’t gettin caught giving to a minor. I got enough problems in my life.”

“Like not having enough wine.”

“That’s a serious problem, D%$@!#”

You sigh in relief.

“Finally, somepony else that isn’t afraid to say a bad word.”

“It’s your fault I got used to it,” Berry says. “Listen, I can loan you some bits to get by, and the first round will be on me when I get my drinking buddy back, but I can’t give you booze as a filly.”

You sigh and sit down beside her.

“This sucks, dude.”

“Tell me about it,” she groans. “One of the best parts of having you around was that everypony thought we were doin it, so folks wouldn’t hit on me when I was drunk.”

“Oh yikes,” you mumble to her, pressing a hoof on her shoulder. “And you’re out here because.”

“I vomited on them in self defense.”

“Nice.”

“It was super effective.”

The two of you laugh together as Berry uses your back as a way to ease herself to her hooves. She presses a hoof to her head.

“Well, I think I’m off to get some shuteye and some mouthwash.”

“Mouthwash?” you ask. “Wouldn’t you rather have some hair of the dog?”

“Ah! Life hacks, Anon. Mouthwash has alcohol in it. So you get to get the vomit breath out and ease the headache at the same time.”

You blink, then grow the most devious smile.

“I shouldn’t have said that,” Berry mumbles. She turns and walks away.

“Hey, Berry!” you call after her. “Why didn’t we ever do it?”

She chuckles gently and shakes her head.

“You need to hold your liquor better, Anon. Like I said. First round’s on me.”

She trots off leaving you there in confusion.

“Huh.”

Well, at least you now have an option. Mouthwash isn’t limited by age. So heck with it. Let’s get trashed on mouthwash. In fact, you think Twilight has some at the castle.

You rise to your hooves and trot to the castle.

Then it hits you.

“OH WE DID IT DIDN’T WE?!”

You turn on your hooves, wanting to say something to Berry. Then you realize that would be awkward. And kinda thirsty.

And you have a thirst that can only be quenched by mouthwash.

You stand on your tippy-hooves to reach the top of the medicine cabinet. Lo and behold. There lies the mouthwash. 26.9% alcohol. Score.

With a flick of a hoof, the 1L plastic bottle falls in the sink with a clatter. But you pull it out and squeeze off the child-proof lock. Not so childproof now, is it?

You give it a sniff.

“Ew. Wintergreen. If it was peppermint, it would at least be like a fancy mixer.”

You raise the bottle to your creator.

“To your dental health.”

You take a long deep swig from the bottle and feel that beautiful burn tingle down your throat.

“Oh yeah. That’s it.”

You throw the bottle to the garbage can. It lands in the toilet.

“Naaaillled it,” you slur.

Other than it being hard to keep your head up straight, it feels good to feel the liquor in your veins again. You rise to your feet, then realize you have hooves, and get on all four.

“Hey Spiiiiike,” you call.

“Oh no,” you can hear down the hall.

“Come here! I wanna do stuff to ya.”

You walk out of the bathroom, and see him peeking out of his room.

“I don’t know if I’m more scared of what you said, or how long you were in that bathroom.”

“Trust me. It’s not that weird. *hic* I just wanna. Like. I unno.”

“Okay,” he says, stepping out of the room and closing it behind him. “Definitely the words. Are you okay?”

“Yah yeah, just-” you raise a hoof, limping along on three awkwardly as you mosey to your dragon friend. “Shhhhhhhhh. Trust me.”

“Now I really don’t trust you.”

“Okay, just. Here.” You step close to him. “Smell my breath.”

Your tummy rumbles a little, but you lean forward and breathe on him.

He recoils in fear, but then pauses.

“That was really minty,” he says. “Did Twilight get the wintergreen mouthwash I asked for?”

“Prollly,” you mumble. “You didn’t even smell thooough.”

“Okay,” he says. “One more time?”

“OOOOOOOKay!” you exclaim. You lean forward and breathe out. He leans in.

And then you realize your stomach isn’t happy about having a liter of mouthwash inside it.

Like a drunk ghost from ghostbusters, you unleash the blue fury all over Spike’s face and open nostrils.

You open your eyes and see spike’s horrified face. A soft belch escapes your mouth.

“Excuse me.”

“IT’S STILL IN MY EYES.”

Twilight closes the door to your room behind her as you cradle your head into a pillow to shut out all the light.

“Everything hurts,” you groan.

“Well, this is what we call instant karma, Anon,” Twilight says. “What did we learn?”

“Mouthwash is the devil’s liquor.”

“Or, maybe that Twilight is actually looking out for your best interests.”

You groan.

“Say it,” she says with her school teacher voice on. “Say your lesson.”

“Twilight is looking out for my best interests,” you say. “There, are you happy?”

“Yes. Now. Here’s a glass of water, and two aspirin. Tomorrow morning we’ll have eggs and toast for your hangover.”

“Thank youu.”

“You’re very welcome.”

Twilight wraps her hooves around you and squeezes you tightly.

“Please don’t squeeze me,” you mumble. “I am a little tube of toothpaste right now.”

“Yes, but you’re MY little tube of toothpaste.”

She lets go, trots out of the room, and closes the door behind you.

You release the pillow and look at your bedside table, where there is two aspirin. They seem to glow to you like a quest item in a video game. You pound them back without even thinking. You look for the water, but don’t register it on the bedside table.

Instead there’s a can.

You pick it up and inspect it.

It’s an 80 calorie light beer.

“She called it water,” you mumble. “That’s a sick joke. D$#@!~ Twilight.”

What a weird day. At one point, you went from possibly fresh with berry, to freshening your breath all over spike.

A least things are back to normal.

I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE DOCTOR

The waiting room to the physician’s office is bland to say the least. The various coffee tables have outdated magazines and childrens books covering their many imperfections.

You look from the books, to Twilight, who brought her own book for the wait. Not that you’re surprised. If anything, you’re envious.

“Why are we here again?” you ask.

“Well, I’m not a trained doctor, Anon. I may be able to perform magical checks and scans, but nothing will replace an actual doctor’s inspection of your body.”

You sigh and slouch in your chair.

Then, off in the corner you see it. A rather strange looking toy with various beads on tracks. You’ve seen similar things on earth. You can move the beads along little tracks from one side to the other.

You glance up at the clock. And there’s still easily 5 minutes before the doctor will see you.

If only there was something here to keep you entertained for someone your age.

You stare at the ceiling.

“Oh wait, I’m a kid.”

You sit up, and mosey over to the strange bead toy. You look over at Twilight, who watches you over her book.

“I’m bored. What else do you want from me?”

Twilight smiles and shakes her head.

“Don’t give me that ‘Oh I’m going to shake my head because even though he’s an adult he still acts like a kid,’ bulls$#@.”

“Language, Anon.”

“I’ll have you know I’d still play with this… this…” you look up to the receptionist. She shrugs at you.

“Thingy, even if I was an adult.” You turn your attention back to the bead toy thingy. “I’d probably just wait until nobody was watching.”

You slide one bead from one side of the large toy, through a little loop de loop, then down on the other end.

A strange smile forms on your lips as you pull another bead from a different end. You push it extra hard to see if it can get all the way just through sheer momentum. But it gets hung up on a strange curve.

“Whenever you’re done playing with the play cube. We’re ready for you, Anon.”

“Huh?” you ask, looking up at the doctor who magically appeared behind you. “That was fast. We still had five minutes.”

“Time flies when you’re having fun,” he says.

Twilight closes her book and follows you inside the doctor’s office.

“I’m a grown man, I can talk to the doctor myself.”

“We’ve been over this, Anon,” Twilight says.

“Yes, this is certainly the case study that the town's talking about right now,” the doctor says, flipping through the large mound of papers Twilight provided him. “So, he went from a nearly monkey-like lifeform, into a pony. Just, poof. Magic.”

“Yep,” you say, trying to hop on the examination table with your little hooves. “Can I get a step stool here?”

“It’s been the strangest thing,” Twilight says. “I haven’t been able to reverse engineer the spell that I cast on that day. Even making slight tweaks and alterations to account for incorrect incantation hasn’t helped. We were able to get him half back to normal, but that proved to be a bigger problem than it was worth.”

“I see,” the doctor says. “Well, we can certainly check for reflexes and nervous system damage.”

“How about I kick you in the balls and I have your reflexes make a step stool for me,” you growl.

He pulls out a step stool and you hop on top of the exam table. You can’t help but feel slightly numb to this. There’s been so much poking and prodding of your new body that it doesn’t even feel real anymore.

He wacks all of your joints with a little hammer. He pokes the soft inners of your hooves with a sharp pencil. He shines a light in your eyes.

He backs up and marks down a lot of information on his sheet.

“Well?” Twilight asks.

“It’s just like you said. She-”

“He,” you correct

The doctor looks from you to Twilight. She nods.

“He seems to be a perfectly normal, healthy filly. Just like you said.”

“That’s it?” you ask.

“How long do you plan to keep him a filly,” he asks.

A colossal weight hangs in the room and makes the air thick and humid.

Twilight rubs her hoof in the ground.

“As short of a time as we can,” she says.

“And how close are you to finding the definitive answer.”

She opens her mouth and looks at you.

“I feel close, but every time I think I found a breakthrough, it’s another dead end. I just--” she trails off.

You look to the floor. There was a feeling in the back of your mind that she was stuck, and this was evidential proof.

Maybe you’re stuck like this forever. Maybe it’s time to just give up on the idea of having the body you really want or feel like you belong in.

“Well, I ask,” the Doctor says, trying to cut the tension. “Not to try and rub any salt in the wounds, but because Anon here has no vaccination records in this body.”

Your head perks up.

“Shots?”

“Yeah. Just like moving houses, you gotta do some preemptive maintenance on whatever you’re living in. And you are totally at risk for catching Ponlio, Pony Pox, and a ton more diseases.”

“OOOHHH no. I am NOT getting more shots,” you say. “H$#@ no. F$#@ that.”

Twilight waves a hoof.

“Hey, Anon, look at me,” she says.

You look at her, fearing a trap. A sharp prick in your arm. You look up to the doctor.

“Sorry, Anon.” Twilight says. “You’ll wake up in a few. I knew you don’t like-”

You wake up to a beautiful, ordinary, average day in Equestria. You rise out of bed and stand on your two feet.

You look down.

Feet.

You gasp.

Bringing your hands to your face, you feel their tender digits massage your jaw line. They outline your nose. Eyes. Forehead. Normal hair. You reach down and feel your own male pride swelling from a wake up call.

“Oh my god,” you gasp. “I’m back.”

You rush through your home to the bathroom. You stand in front of the mirror and reflected back at you is… a green pony filly with a long black mane.

“Expecting something else?” she asks you.

She laughs. You feel something gurgle in your stomach.

You lean forward and out comes thousands of little, tiny writhing worms. You turn the faucet, but a red, goopy blood oozes from the faucet. You back up as the reflection laughs harder and harder.

The door slams behind you.

You try to grab the door handle, but you have no fingers, only hooves.

“Anon?” a far off voice asks.

The laughing pierces your ear drums.

“Anon?” Twilight asks. “Anon?”

You open your eyes. The room is blurry, but it seems like it’s your room. Twilight sits beside you.

“You knocked me out for the shots?” you ask.

“Yeah,” she said.

“Thanks,” you groan, trying to sit up in bed. “Could have done without the dreams though.”

She looks down at her hooves.

“Was it a bad dream?” she asks.

“Better than the ones I’ve had at night lately.” you say. No point in not being honest.

A silence fills the air.

“I honestly expected there to be a bit more nonsense today,” Twilight chuckled.

You aren’t really sure how to respond.

“I didn’t want you to hear that I’m stuck with my research,’ she said. “But I figured I had to be honest with the doctor.”

“How much longer do you think I have to be stuck like this?” you ask. “Is this just… going to be my new life now?”

She looks up at you, and her eyes are shimmering from the light of your bedside lamp.

“I’m asking for help. The best magician I know is coming to help me tomorrow. And I hope that, after that… We’ll know for sure.”

“If I’m stuck?” you ask.

“If you can change back,” she says. She sighs, looking at the ground. “Not that it’s any different.”

She rises to her hooves.

“I’m going to take care of you, Anon. This is my fault, and I’m going to make it right.”

You reach out a hoof to her and grab her wing.

“Listen. Just please don’t be hard on yourself. That’s not going to make it easier for anyone.”

She looks to the door, and nods.

“I know you’re doing your best. And I believe in you. I feel well taken care of. And, well. If this is my new life?” you trail off, not really sure how to continue honestly. After a moment, you continue.

“If this is my new life, I can’t think of anypony more wonderful or caring to spend it with.”

Twilight remains still, and sniffs.

“We’re going to do our best tomorrow, Anon. And it means a lot to hear you say that.”

She turns back to you and wraps her wings around you in a tight hug. The warmth of her body fills you.

Twilight presses her lips on your forehead and you can’t help but wrap your arms around her. Here, you feel safe. Here, you feel special.

Here, you feel home.

“Sleep well, alright?” Twilight says.

“I’ll try,” you reply. “By the way, who is coming tomorrow?”

Twilight smiles and nods.

“The pony who taught me everything I knew about magic, and has always been my biggest inspiration.”

“Trixie?” you ask.

Twilight shakes her head and gives a dry laugh.

“Night, Anon. Just for that, we’re having cereal tomorrow.”

“LOVE YOU TOO!”

And as Twilight leaves your room and closes the door behind you, you can’t help but stare at your ceiling and think about that last joke you made.

As much as you love to annoy Twilight. That hug was… well. Special. And you can still feel the outline of her lips on your head.

Is this love? Or rather, what kind of love is this?

The very thought makes you feel gross. But that’s probably more from being a kid than anything else.

You roll over in bed and close your eyes.

Either way, soon you’re going to know. And then, well, then you’ll know. A well of anxiety boils up from within your chest, but what lulls you to sleep isn’t the residue of strong tranquilizers that were given to you for shots, and surely wasn’t softness of your bed sheets or mattress.

It was the warmth that grew inside, borne from that kiss on your forehead.