Pony Punching Simulator

by LukeTheMercenary

Rating: teen
Tags: Starlight Glimmer, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Violence, Flash Sentry, Human, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3370

You are given the oppurtunity to go to Equestria. What's the first thing you do? How about punching your least favorite pony square in the face?

One day, you wake up in Equestria. You don't know how, you don't know why. All you know, is that you have the chance to meet your favorite ponies...and your least favorite ponies. However...there is that one pony that you REALLY hated. So, what do you do? If you ever wanted to punch that pony in his/her face...now you can!

(This is a parody of the story Mane 6 Mistletoe Simulator. I asked the author's permission to make a parody, and bear in mind that I do not hate any of these characters.)

Published 2018-01-12 05:50:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-06 06:07:55 UTC

Starlight Glimmer

You wake up at the Everfree Clearing, lying in the grass on your stomach. The sunlight stings your eyes as you open them up. When your eyes finally adjust to the light, you finally realize that you're in Equestria. Excitement goes through your mind, and you wondered what you should do first.

"I am going to enter Ponyville, and punch Starlight in the face." You said aloud.

You hated Starlight Glimmer. Ever since she got reformed, you hated her guts. You didn't think she deserved to just be let go for what she did. You thought that the show was too easy on villains, and she was the last straw.

Without wasting any time, you got up on your feet and went straight to Ponyville. It wasn't too hard to locate, the town was just a short distance away. You practically marched over to Ponyville, your fists clenched. After about ten minutes, you arrive at Ponyville. The residents look at you with curiosity, and some with fear. You pay no mind to them, however, as you've got an opportunity you're NOT willing to miss.

So, the search started. You checked town square...nothing. The market area...nothing. The neighborhoods...nothing. Suddenly, an idea popped in your head: She must be in the Friendship Castle.

Of course! You thought to yourself. She's been living there ever since she got reformed.

You make your way to the Friendship Castle, and reach the front doors quickly. You opened the doors, and made your way down the beautiful halls. You wished you could stop and sightsee, but you had an objective on your hands. After all, you must be cautious. You're inside the castle of Princess Twilight Sparkle. If you're caught, the consequences will be severe.

"Spike, did you use my toothbrush again?" a familiar voice said from in a nearby room.

You quickly went behind a tapestry, and peeked your head out. You saw none other than your target, Starlight Glimmer, holding a burned toothbrush in her magic aura. She entered the hallway and looked around.

"Spike? Where are you?" She asked.

It's punching time. You think to yourself. You're about to exit your hiding spot and deliver a punch, when Spike enters the hall. You curse under your breath, and stay in your hiding spot.

"What's wrong, Starlight?" Spike asked Starlight.

"Did you use my toothbrush?" Starlight asked.

"Um...no..?" Spike said, his claws behind his back and avoiding eye contact with his friend.

"Spike..."

"Okay...I did...but I just couldn't find mine! I'm sorry..."

Starlight sighed, "That's okay. Just ask next time, okay? I can find you a new one next time."

"Ok."

A guilty Spike left the room, and Starlight returned into her room. You waited until the coast was clear, and then slid out from behind the tapestry. You tiptoed into Starlight's room...and saw her facing away from you, brushing her mane in the mirror. You tiptoe directly behind her, not making a sound. However, she notices your shape behind you suddenly.

"What the-"

She turned around to you, and before she could see your face, WHAM. You send your fist flying directly into her face. Your knuckles collide instantly with her snout, and she falls unconscious. You watch in satisfaction as a little bit of blood drips from her nostrils.

"Man, that felt good." You said.

Justice has been served. You thought. You wanted to stick around a bit longer to relish in the moment, but you came to a quick realization.

Shit, I'd better get out of here before anyone catches me. You think.

Without thinking about anything else, you run out of the castle undetected. Now, you can live a normal life in Equestria...as long as Starlight doesn't remember you, of course.

Author's Note

Are people gonna hate me for this? Likely. Do I care? No. Are you able to suggest who gets punched next? Oh yes, you can. :trixieshiftleft:

Flash Sentry

You wake up lying on the ground. There are noises all around you. The sound of hooves clopping, and idle chatter make you force open your eyes. Upon seeing that you are surrounded by ponies, and in an elegant neighborhood...you realize that you are no longer at home, you are in Canterlot. You spring up from your spot, causing some nearby ponies to jump back in fright. You pay no mind, though...as you have only one thought on your brain.

"I am going to punch Flash Sentry in his face." You say out loud.

You saw the Equestria Girls movie. Ever since you saw the guy, you wanted nothing more than to punt him several times in his noggin. Likely because he had an interest in Twilight Sparkle.

With your objective in your mind, you stomp your way to Canterlot Castle. You knew that Flash was a royal guard, so he would likely be in there. However, when you reach the castle, you see that the drawbridge is guarded by two royal guards.

Damn! I gotta think of something... You think to yourself. You examine the guards. One is a unicorn, and the other is an earth pony. An idea pops into your head. You sneak behind a nearby shrub and pick up a smooth stone. Aiming with all your heart, you heave it at the unicorn's head. It clinks against the unicorn's helmet, and he faces your direction. Before he notices you, you throw another rock at his head. It collides with his muzzle, and he stumbles back. He bumps into his partner, and the two fall into the water below.

Feeling satisfied, you walk across the drawbridge and open the big double doors. You are greeted with purple halls adorned with tapestries and beautiful stained glass windows. The castle was truly a sight to behold.

"Hey, what was that?" You heard a voice say.

You jumped behind a pillar, and saw a royal guard, a pegasus, fly slowly down the hall.

"Hm. Must've been nothing," he said.

You breathed a sigh of relief. The last thing you wanted to do was to mess this up. You've gotten this close to doing the one thing that a lot of Twilight lovers, and shippers would kill to do. After you continue down the hall, you reach a set of spiraling stairs. After climbing the stairs, you reach a long hall with doors lining the sides. Upon opening the doors, you notice that they have small beds and closets. Armor like helmets and chest plates lay upon the beds, or sit on the dressers.

These are living quarters. Likely for the guards. Perfect. If Flash is anywhere, he would be in here. You think to yourself.

The doors have cutie marks carved into them. All you have to do is to locate the right room. You walk down the hall, and find a room that has a picture of a shield with a lightning bolt over it. Bingo. You think.You twist the knob of the door slowly, and pull it open. You are met instantly with none other than Flash himself. He makes eye contact with you. No time to think!

You raised your fist, and swung a punch at his face with all your strength. Your knuckles collided with his jaw, and you even hurt your own hand a little...but you didn't care about the pain, this was too satisfying. Flash held his hoof to his jaw, but before he could do anything else...you send a final blow to his snout. Your punch was enough to make Flash dly back two feet, and fall to the ground with a thud. He was out cold.

"Stay away from Twilight," You say to him, knowing he can't hear you.

I'd better get out of here before he wakes up. You think to yourself...and with that, you sneak out of the castle undetected...and get ready for your new life in this new world.

Author's Note

If you like this story, please make a suggestion! Which pony would you like to punch next?

Rarity

You wake up lying against a wall. The cold breeze was responsible for tearing the sleep from your eyes. You open your eyes, and after fully waking your system up...you realize one thing: You're in Equestria...leaning on the wall of Carousel Boutique. Most people would think that your first thought would be, "What do I do next?" However...that wasn't the first thing you said.

"I am going to punch Rarity in her face." You say out loud.

You didn't like Rarity. Sure, she was an element of harmony...but...damn, she got on your nerves! You always thought that with her constant complaining, the whining, and her annoying attitude, she just needed a good ol' fashioned teeth-breaking.

You got up from the ground, and stretched a little. Gotta unloosen all the hinges for this. I want this to be perfect. You thought. As you stretched, you examined the area. It was morning time, likely around 8 or 9 AM. The sun was warm, but the breeze was chilly. Birds sung from the trees, and squirrels scampered about the ground. Wow...can't believe I'm gonna spend the rest of my life here. You decided to focus on that later. You have an important mission to accomplish, after all.

After shaking all the rust off your joints, you approach the front door. This'll be easy. You said to yourself. You opened the door slowly, you didn't want the bell to go off. Peeking your head in, you see that nopony was in the main area. You close the door behind you, and crawl on all fours behind some boxes. You didn't want to go upstairs if that was where Rarity was...so you had to come up with some quick thinking. You looked around, and then you noticed a rather expensive looking vase with flowers in it. An idea popped into your head. You picked up the vase, poured the water and flowers out of it, and smashed it against the ground. Hard. Glass fell everywhere.

"What was that?!" you hear Rarity's voice yell from upstairs.

"Wasn't me!" You hear what sounds like Sweetie Belle's voice yell from upstairs.

You see Rarity trot down the stairs, and she sees the mess.

"Oh no! I paid 150 bits for that vase! How did this happen?" she yelled.

She's facing away from you. Time to give her the fist lollipop.

You get up from your hiding spot, run across the broken glass (thank goodness you were wearing shoes), and poke her from behind. You raise your fist, ready to deliver a five-fingered conk in the noggin. She turns around, and you clocked her right between the eyes with all your strength. The impact was so strong, you heard your own knuckles crack. Rarity fell on the ground, missing the broken glass by a few inches. You wanted to just hurt her, not kill her.

I'd better scramble before Sweetie Belle sees me! You think, before bolting out of the Boutique, getting ready to spend your new life in Equestria.

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long for this update. School has been rough on me. Anyways, thank you guys for reading! If you liked it, leave a comment! As always, have a nice day! :twilightsheepish:

Zephyr Breeze

You wake up lying in a pile of leaves. The freezing wind woke you up from your slumber. Once you rub your eyes, you're face-to-face with a pony. She has a pale purple coat, and a blonde mane. She looks at you, and sighs.

"Aww...I just finished raking these, too." she said, looking down.

You feel bad, so you decide to help her out. It surprisingly took you only a minute to fix the leaf pile.

"Thank you, mister!" she says, smiling.

You smile, knowing you did something nice. However, you then realize what you just did: You raked leaves for Dinky Doo! If that's Dinky...then...you're in Equestria! Your eyes widen, and your smile grows. So many possibilities, so many choices...there's many things you could do.

You look around you, soaking in all the beauty. The bright green of the grass, the silky blue of the sky, the Zephyr sitting on a bench- wait, what?

Nearby, you see Fluttershy...and her brother, Zephyr Breeze sitting on a bench. Your blood turned to a boil. That slob was the kind of person- or pony, that got on your nerves the most. Someone who doesn't dedicate himself at all. Sure, he went to mane therapy school and graduated...but that didn't make up for the fact that he flirted with Rainbow Dash. You quickly made a decision.

"I am going to punch Zephyr in the face," you say out loud.

You did your good deed for the day, now time to do something sinister. You start to approach them, but then realize: I can't just punch him in public! I need to do it in secret. I want to live a normal life here afterwards. You think. You look around, and then you spot Rainbow Dash. An idea pops into your head. You approach her, and begin speaking to her.

"Hey, Rainbow Dash." You say.

"Huh? Who, or what are you? And how do you know my name?" she asked.

"Nevermind that. Listen...do you hate Fluttershy's brother?"

"Hate is a harsh word. I prefer to use, 'really dislike'."

"Well, how would you like me to...do something to him?"

Rainbow grins for a moment. "I'm listening."

"I want you to charm Zephyr into following you behind a building. I'll be there. Then, I'll do the honors of whopping him in the snout."

"Okay! Wait...why do you want to do this?"

"I don't like him. The guy needs to be taught that you can't do something wrong and not receive a penalty for it."

Rainbow looked like she was about to say something, but she stopped and nodded. "Okay. I'm in. See ya there."

Rainbow flies over to Zephyr, and you take your position behind a building. As you wait, a newspaper flies into your face. Out of curiosity, you look at the front page. What you see, is a picture of Starlight Glimmer, and Rarity. They both appear to have face injuries. Rarity only had minor bruising, but Starlight seemed to have a broken nose! How did THAT happen? You wonder to yourself. Suddenly, you hear Rainbow's voice down the alley.

"I want to make a flying performance specially for you," Rainbow said, trying to sound charming. She then flew ahead quickly and out of sight.

Then Zephyr trotted into view. You peeked out from your position behind a box and saw the full view of your target.

"Rainbow? Where'd you go, cutie? Trying to play hard to get, huh?" Zephyr called out.

You smiled and sprinted out from your hiding spot. You charged at Zephyr from behind, and rammed into him. He flew into the wall, in a daze. Before he regained composure, you proceeded to feed him a good ol' fashioned five-finger knuckle sandwich. He fell unconscious on the spot, and some blood even dripped from his nose. You stood up, and admired your work. Before you know it, Rainbow floats down in front of you.

"Wow...that was wrong, but...also kinda satisfying." she said, smiling at you.

"I think so too. Hey, could you do me a favor and...you know...not tell anyone about this?" You ask.

"No problem. When he wakes up, I'll just tell him that someone accidentally tripped on him...and he landed on a rock, or something."

"Thanks."

"I know you wanted to do this yourself...but, I think I kinda owe ya for what you did."

"No need."

Ignoring what you said, Rainbow flies up to you and gives you a hug.

"Now do me a favor, and not tell anyone about THAT." she said.

"No problem." you reply, smiling.

With that, Rainbow waits for Zephyr to wake...and you leave...wondering what you will do next, in your new home that is Equestria.

Author's Note

Thank you guys so much for reading! If you liked it, leave a comment! As always, have a nice day :twilightsheepish:

Spoiled Rich

You wake up lying on some tiles. The sun rising from behind the mountains is what woke you up. You lift your head up, and take in your surroundings. Almost immediately you realize where you are: You're in Equestria. The question is...where in Equestria are you? You're lying at an angle, and you're up pretty high. You then soon realize that you're on a roof. You were up pretty high, though...so you could only assume this was an important building. You then hear a voice from down below. You walk on the roof toward the source of the sound, and see someone you REALLY didn't want to see.

"Where are my servants?! I need my glass of water!" Spoiled Rich said as she paced her balcony.

"Why not get it yourself, my dear?" Filthy Rich said.

"Why do we even have servants if they don't serve me?"

Ooh, man. Spoiled Rich became your least favorite pony the second you laid eyes on her. Knowing she was responsible for Diamond Tiara's bad behavior, your hate transferred from Diamond, to Spoiled. You suddenly hatched an idea. It was a crazy idea, but you couldn't resist. Who would pass up an opportunity like this?!

As soon as Filthy and Spoiled Rich left into the house, you hopped off the roof and onto the balcony. You then opened the door, and entered the large mansion. It was pretty decent on the inside. A large queen-sized bed was accompanied by 2 nightstands of beauty supplies and makeup. Beneath your feet, was a soft pink rug. Paintings were placed in various places, one of which was a large portrait of Spoiled Rich herself. You scowled at the sight. Look at you. You think you're so high and mighty. You thought to yourself.

"What was that?" You hear a voice from outside the room say.

You quickly scramble under the bed, and stayed still. A servant walks in, you could see his hooves walk around the room, searching.

"Miss Diamond Tiara," the servant said, "I am not in the mood for a game of hide-and-seek. I have a massive headache, currently."

He then walks out, and you crawl out from under the bed. Brushing the dust off your clothes, you exit the room and find yourself walking down the hall. The hall also displays a few pictures hanging on the walls. As you walk through, you check every door. Making your way downstairs, you find the kitchen. A female servant in a maid uniform is washing the dishes, and her back is turned to you. What catches your eye, however, was the glass of water on the table next to her. Seeing the water gave you an idea. Stealthily, you crawl on the floor toward the water. You then hold your breath, and reach your hand out toward the cup...praying that the maid doesn't see you. You slowly wrap your fingers around the chilly cup of ice water, and pull it towards you. She doesn't notice, much to your satisfaction.

You then proceed to sneak around the house, until you eventually find Spoiled Rich sitting on a couch. She is applying makeup to her face. You quietly approach her from behind, and tip the cup of ice cold water all over her head. Her well-done hair falls down lazily, and her eyes go wide. She turns to you, and you quickly give her a five-finger knuckle sandwich. Your fist collides with her snout, and she gets knocked out cold. You smile as you see that not only you knocked her out cold, but the water also messed up her makeup.

"Mrs. Rich, are you alright?" You hear a voice say from another room.

Ah, shit! You think as you quickly open a window and jump out. After rolling on the ground a little, you run off into town...ready for your brand-new life in Equestria.

Author's Note

Writer's block is my enemy.

If you guys enjoyed this chapter, please elave a like and comment if you haven't already. As always, have a nice day. :twilightsheepish: