Clean 'N Smoky

by Papa Oats

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Narcotics, Trixie, Comedy, Derpy Hooves, Prince Blueblood, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 11945

Everything was just a nightmare, but Clean can't shake the feeling that things aren't exactly OK.

"Are you familiar with the term 'delusions of grandeur'?"

"I believe I coined that term."

-=- -=- -=-

Clean isn't doing too fine.
He woke from a nightmare that he doesn't remember. He's never been shaken from a nightmare before, but things just don't feel right after the last one. Oh well, he's got work to do and tobacco to burn.

Published 2018-01-13 02:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2021-06-29 16:34:19 UTC

Chapter One - Returning to Normal

“Sure sure, what's your beef with me anyway? I didn’t do anything to hurt you.”

Backing away, her form starts to dissipate. “It's not what you’ve done to hurt me, it's what you’ve done to help my sister. You’re a sun lover, and you’re all the same.”

Flipping her the bird, I blow her ghostly form away. The mare’s outline fades and travels up like a puff of smoke, before disappearing.

With a wave of my hands I exclaim, “And poof! She’s gone. Abraca-fucking-dabra.”

Getting up and picking my knife off the ground, I cut a line into the wall.

“15 ticks down. 4000 to go.”

-=- -=- -=-

“Bwah! What the fuck?!”

“Clean! Watch your language, fillies are present.”

Looking around the room, I found us both sitting in the throne room. Trixie is stirring on my lap and Derpy is sitting beside Celestia on the throne. There is a line of ponies all waiting to talk with Celestia.

“Did you fall asleep, Clean? Are these fillies keeping you up?” Celestia whispers to me as the next pony in line walks up.

“No, no. I-I’m good. Just a bad dream is all.”

Trixie stretches on my lap, much like a cat. I rub my hand through her mane and down her back in a failing attempt to calm myself.

“If you would like to talk about it, I can end daycourt early.”

“It's fine Celestia, I don’t remember it anyway.”

“If you’re sure…” she says, dropping the subject and returning her focus to the pony in front of her.

I lean back in my little chair beside the throne. I stop petting Trixie and run my hands through my hair, trying to calm the sudden headache. Pushing my fingers into my temples and slowing my breathing.

“Damn, what was that dream?”

-=- -=- -=-

“Next?”

I groan in my chair, having finally calmed down. They kept coming, pony after pony, time and time again. Some of these ponies I’ve even seen before.

“Wait, you look familiar…”

“I would hope so! You owe me an apology!”

Squinting my eyes at the off pink earth mare, I stare at her for a couple seconds until it hits me.

Slapping my hand against my face and groaning into my hand, I say, “Fuuuuuuuuu-”

Just to have a hoof smack me upside the head. Looking up to see Morning Dew sitting on top of the back of my chair. I wrap my hands around Trixie and get up, causing the chair to unbalance and leave her tumbling.

“Anyway, Spoiled Milk, right? I thought I recognized you, didn’t you have a horn?”

“I’ve never had a horn thank you! And what happened to you fixing my fence, huh?”

“About that, I’m super sorry Milk.” I say, putting my foot on the chair leg and flipping it back up. “I had family come up, see?”

I hold Trixie up for Spoiled Milk to see. Trixie lets out a yawn and wiggles her front hooves. “Hello!” she says.

“Oh, I see… Well, I suppose that does make sense. But couldn’t you have sent me a letter or something telling me?”

I set Trixie down and she goes over to the chair, hopping on, and curls up to fall back asleep.

“Slight problem there, you never gave me your address, remember?”

“Oh.” Spoiled Milk says, rubbing her chin in thought. “Well then here, take my card so you don’t forget next time!”

She floats a small pink card with white text on it. “Spoiled Milk; Head of School Board. Huh.” I say, reading it outloud.

“Thats me! And don’t you forget next time. When do you think you can come and fix my fence then?”

“How’s about on Tuesday? These little ragamuffins leave in two days anyway.”

“Tuesday it is then, thank you, and good day.” She says, turning to the Princess and bowing before leaving.

“That solves that I suppose, but I get the feeling that could have gone a lot worse… Fuck it, I don't care.”

-=- -=- -=-

“Is that the last one?” Celestia asks one of the guards posted beside the door, to which he nods. “Alright, daycourt is hereby over. Thank you for your work gentlestallions.”

The two guards on each side of the door leave the room, pulling the doors closed behind them.

“Welp, that's about enough work for today, right Tia?”

“Yeah Celestia! I wanna go eat!” Trixie says hopping off my lap and bouncing in front of the pony Princess.

“I do too! I want sweets and all kinda things!” Derpy says, joining her cousin.

“Alright you two, Clean and I will see what we can do. But you know what's better than dinner? Dinner with friends! Morning Dew, can you take these two and get Blueblood and Twilight to come down for dinner?”

Morning Dew salutes to the princess with a “Yes ma’am,” before running out with two fillies hot on her heels.

“Smart thinking Tia, but I know you well enough. I’m guessing you’ve got something to talk about?”

“Yes, but not here. They’ll meet us in the palace dining room. Follow me to my room.”

-=- -=- -=-

Celestia leads me into her room and closes the door quickly.

“Clean, are you feeling okay?”

I move over to her desk and reach around behind it, pulling out a big, dark bottle. Tapping it twice against the bottom, I open the top and take a swig. Causing Celestia to sigh and shake her head.

“Yeah, I’d say I am. Why?”

“Just worried about you is all. It's not like you to just fall asleep like that… Are you positively sure you’re alright?”

“Yes, Tia what's got your tail in a knot? You’re usually not this paranoid.”

She sits down on her bed and flops over. Taking another swig, I set the bottle down and walk up before sitting down beside her.

“I’m sorry Clean, its just… I don’t know. I’m scared. It won’t be long until my sister returns and we still haven’t found the Elements.”

“We’ll find them, I’ve found that shit eventually goes right for the good guys in this world. Funny too, not like that back home.” I say, opening her nightstand and pulling out a brush. “Brushy?”

“Yes, please brushy.” She says, lighting up her horn. Her ethereal mane then fell limply against her back.

“Good, now sit back and relax. We don’t have long.”

“Of course Clean…”

She scoots onto her belly and relaxes as I run the brush down her mane over and over again.

“Clean…”

“Yes, that is my name.”

“Just… Thank you for being by my side all this time. I know you didn’t really have a choice, but I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Of course Tia, that’s what I’m here for. Now stop gettin mushy on me.”

-=- -=- -=-

Celestia and I walk into the dining room side by side. Inside Twilight is holding a book in her magic and eating a bowl of soup. Blueblood and Trixie are sitting beside each other drawing on a paper with crayons and munching on two seperate salads with their magic. Lastly is Derpy, who is wing deep in paper muffin wrappers.

“Well, me thinks we’re a bit late.”

“That we are Clean. Judging by those wrappers I’d say we’re about ten minutes too late.”

“Took you two long enough! What was so important that I had to do the babysitting?!” Morning Dew says, running over to us.

“Its above your pay grade there batsy.” I say patting her head and causing her to pout. “Have you gotten anything to eat yet?”

“No, I was waiting for you two. C’mon!” Morning Dew says.

Celestia and I both take our seats and a waitress pony rushes over with a sheet of paper.

“Usual for me.” I say and the waitress writes something down on her paper before turning to the Princess.

“And I think I’ll have something different. I’d like pancakes please!”

The waitress stops for a second, before regaining her composure and writing it down.

“Pancakes, huh?” I comment as the pony walks away.

“What? Maybe I wanted something sweet!”

“Shit, can’t argue there. I might get some sweets myself for once.”

-=- -=- -=-

Celestia, Morning Dew, and I make idle chat as we wait for out food. The three and a half stooges are all munching on their foods while talking about school and other various tiny pony things.

After a good ten minutes or so, two stallions wearing fancy butler outfits come out with trays balanced on their backs. One sets a sandwich in front of Morning Dew who begins to eat it unceremoniously. Then he sets a large stack of pancakes in front of Celestia. The second one drops a plate of mashed potatoes in front of me. Next he sets down a big ‘ol steak.

“Ahem!” I clear my throat.

“Oh, my apologies sir.” The waiter says, nodding to the other stallion who runs into the kitchen. After a few seconds he comes back out with a bottle of whiskey.

“Thanks mate, you’re free to go.”

“Of course sir. Please enjoy your meals.”

And then we’re left with our meals. I grab a salt shaker and pour some onto the potatoes. They never add enough salt.

“Clean, do you always need to drink alcohol?”

“Yes, yes I do.” I say popping the top off and pouring some into a glass. “Remind me to get that bottle out of your room and replace it with a closed one.”

Morning Dew looks between the two of us then shrugs, going back to her sandwich.

“Uncle Clean, how old do I need to be to drink those with you?” Blueblood asks from across the table.

“Well Blue, when you hit your eighteenth birthday I’ll give you a special bottle I’ve been saving.”

Celestia gives me a dirty look, to which I simply stick my tongue out at.

“Honestly Clean, you can be so childish at some times.”

“You know you love me Tia.”

“I do, and I wish I didn’t.”

-=- -=- -=-

I tuck Derpy and Trixie into bed, giving them both a kiss on the forehead.

“Night you two.”

I sneak out of the room, leaving a nightlight on, and slowly close the door.

“Funny, didn’t think I’d see you being THAT sappy Clean.”

“Fuck off Dew.”

“Ahh, there it is. The rash bastard I know and love.”

“Damn right. Anyway… what can you tell me about that Spoiled Milk mare?”

“Not much I’m afraid. I still don’t know why you asked me to look into her. If you don’t trust her, why even agree to helping her.”

I pull out a smoke and light it, puffing it into life. “Just got a bad feelin is all. Don’t know why, but I get mad just lookin at her and I have no idea why.”

“Yeah, definitely not like you to hate someone right off the bat and still agree to help them.”

“Fuck it, I just need a drink. And another smoke.”

Morning Dew steps in my way and stops me.

“Clean, something is bothering you. You never drink this much.”

“Fuck off Dew, you don’t know me.” I say, pulling out the box of smokes and pulling one out and I try to put it in my mouth, only to find I already had one in there.

The thestral raises an eyebrow at me. “Really Clean?”

“Just fuck off and leave me alone. I need some time to think.” I say, pushing her out of my way and heading to my room.

Making my way inside, I go through my drawers. Finding what I was looking for, I pull out a key.

Making my way to the other side of the room, I pull up a hidden compartment and put the key into the uncovered keyhole. Turning the key responds with a click and the wall slides away showing a hidden room and a staircase.

Pulling the key out and I enter the newly made pathway. Inside is another keyhole that I put the key in. The door slides closed. Taking the key out again and pocketing it, I make my way down.

“Clean, what are we going to do?”

I stood there, watching over the two fillies.

“I need some time to think, I need to step outside.”
I stop and sit down on the staircase. I clutch my head and my vision blurs for a second. Once I recover I stand back up and make my way down faster.

‘Yes, a lesson is exactly what that wretched cretin needs. Show her why a pony is no match against a human.’

My steps slowed as I came closer and closer to the dungeons. I knew that Spoiled Milk had to be down here. The holding cells were just below the castle, just enough so that they could be guarded. They were rarely used, but I still kept them in clean shape.

I nearly lose my footing as my head starts to throb. My pace, while considerably slowed, doesn’t stop.

“What the fucks going on here…” I say to myself.

‘That mare took something from Derpy that she’ll never get back. Now it is time to take something from her. Open the door.’

I didn’t feel right, something felt wrong.

Finally reaching the bottom of the stairs I look around the room.

The walls and floors are all stone slabs. An old, ornate looking table, chair, and candle adorn a corner of the room. On the desk is numerous marks, burns, and scars. Beside the candle is a glass bowl, my ashtray.

Along one wall is a row of racks, all holding different wines, whiskeys, and other drinks. All aged at least a century. There's also a bookshelf covered in books of various ages as well as writing materials. I pull the newest looking one out as well as an inkwell and quill and set them on the table. Then I move to the rack of drinks and randomly grab one.

“Irelemane’s Poitin, this’ll do for now.” I say, setting it on the table.

Pulling the chair out I sit down and begin to write.

Date; who the fuck cares 990 AB
Time; fuck if I know Night

I look down at my writing. “I still write in English after all these years. Funny.” I say, cracking open the bottle of Poitin and taking a drink.

Today I woke up in the throne room after having fallen asleep. I had a nightmare that I can’t remember. For the first time in a long time, I’m actually scared. Ever since then I’ve been having horrible headaches and I remember parts of the dream. I used to write dream journals along with my normal journals, but I’ve never had a dream effect me like this.
I remember Spoiled Milk, a pink coated and almost purple maned pony. I’m angry at her, but I can’t remember why. I go down to the dungeons. That's all I remember.

I stop writing for a second to take another drink. I set my quill down beside the inkwell and pull the ashtray closer, lighting up another smoke. I look around my room down here. I built this as my ‘inner sanctum’ of sorts. No one knows of this place, not even Celestia.

I get the feeling that I’m forgetting something, but its not adding up. Why would I be mad at Spoiled Milk? Huh, funny name too. Who names their filly that?
To make matters worse, Celestia is all worried about her sister and the Elements. I’ve got the feelin that everything will be OK, but still. It does make you think. If the elements were divided into two sisters, how did Celestia use all six? It doesn’t matter in the end, she explained it was “the way magic works.”

I smile down at my page. I remember the day she told me that too, I didn’t wanna believe her, but it really was ‘just how magic works’.

I reach over to my bottle. I take another mouthful of that sweet, sweet mind numbing juice, finding my headache already clearing away.

“Maybe I should slow down…” I say to myself, putting the cap on the large bottle.

Twilight. That filly is growin up fast. So are Derpy and Trixie now that I think about it. I wonder if Twilight will end up being the next Element bearer. She shows promise with Magic, but not really the other five. Her brother, on the other hand, shows loyalty. Derpy’s got Honestly, and Trixie has laughter. Blueblood, I dunno. Probably generosity.

Maybe I’m just looking too deep into things. They’re still fillies and colts afterall. They need to focus on being kids, not growing up. Either way, I think I’m done. My headache is gone and its getting late.

I look down at my journal. Nodding in approval, I close my inkwell and clean my quill. Leaving the book for last so the ink can dry.

“I need to write in that journal more.” I say as I put the room back in order.

I climb up the staircase and open the door with my key. It slides open and I saunter out, feeling like a new man. I pop the key in the outside keyhole and close the door behind me.

“Damn, I love being me.”

Author's Note

Lotta people didn't like how the story changed from a Slice of Life to a Drama. So heres what would happen if all that stuff DIDN'T go down.

Yeah, I know. I'm now working on two different stories that conflict with each other. Kill me now.

Chapter Two - Good Morning

“Oh Clean, it's time to wake up dear.”

The sun is shining, rays of light gleaming through my curtains. The birds are chirping outside, a light tune filling the quiet morning.

Everything sounds lovely.

“Bugger off Celestia. I’m sleepin’ and you can’t stop me.”

But then theres me. I hate the mornings.

“We’ll see about that…”

“Damn right, fuckin’ alabaster bastard.” I mumble, pulling the covers over my head.

The birds continue their onslaught outside my window. Chirps and beeps grating on my skull.

“FUCK OFF YA WINGED RATS!” I yell, throwing one of my pillows against the window. With a squak, clatter, and flurry of feathers, the chirping stops.

I use one of my remaining pillows to cover my head in a feeble attempt to block the sun’s evil rays.

“Dad!” “Pappy!” “Grandpa!” “Pawpaw!”

“I hate my life.” I muttered out from under my pillow as my spine was caved in by four separate ponies jumping on it.

“MRRRRRFFFFFF!” I screamed out, muffled by the pillow.

“What are you doing in bed so late? C’mon! Getup getup getup getup!” One of the older ponies said.

“I’d get up if you four would GET OFF OF MY ALREADY!”

“But you’re so comfy! I can see why you’d sleep all day, I think Lovie is just over eager.” The other mare says, curling up and cuddling up on my back..

“I swear to Celestia’s beard. If you four don’t get off, I’m going to throw all of you into a trash bag and hang you from the chandelier in the throne room.”

I feel the two smaller fillies get up, but the two grown mares continues to lay on me.

“Not gonna move?” I ask.

“Nope!” “Nuh-uh!” They both respond.

“Welp, looks like you two leave me no choice…”

I push myself off the bed, causing the two of them to fall off beside me. Then, I quickly grabbed the corners of the sheet and pull the sheet up and around the two mares. While the two are shuffling in the oppressive sheets, I jump on the bed, then over them, and grab the corners of the sheets on that side as well. I pull those two up and wrap them around the other two corners, trapping the two mares in the sheet-now-turned-bag.

“Give up yet?”

“We’ll never surrender! We’ll get outta here… eventually!”

“Alright, you two asked for it.” I said, hefting the bag over my shoulder.

“Have you two been puttin on weight? Y’all are gettin heavier than I remember.”

“You’re gonna get it now, buster! Just wait till we get out of here!”

“Sure, sure.” I say, “So, Derpy, Trixie, what do you think we should do with them?”

The two fillies, who were patiently sitting by my bed, both rub their chins in thought.

Then, a large and truly evil grin spreads across Derpy’s face. She brings a hoof up to Trixie’s ear and whispers something into it. Then the same happens with Trixie. They both nod to each other then run into my bathroom.

“Pappy? What did they say? What are they planning?”

“Not yet Lovie, that’ll ruin the fun if I tell you…”

Inside the bathroom there is a creaking sound, like a knob being turned, then the sound of rushing water.

The two of them grow silent for a second, before the bag explodes with activity. The two of them are rolling around, trying to get out of the sheets.

“Wait, Dad, we can talk this through! No need to do anything rash, hehe.” Dearie says.

“Yeah, it was just a little fun! We know you love us, we just wanted to snuggle! Like old times!” Lovie says, trying to convince me.

“Nah, I like this more. Its more fun after all.”

Then the two fillies open the bathroom door and wave me in. I adjust the bag and make my way over. Their continued protests fill the room, as well as the sound of water and the diabolical giggles of two fillies.

I pass through the doorway and see my bathtub is full of water with bubbles foaming over the lips, dripping onto the floor.

“Good thing I had a drain put in, like one of those Japanese baths back home?”

“You mean Japonese baths?” Derpy asks.

“Yeah, yeah. ‘Japonese’.” I say, trying not to slip on the slick floor.

I stop beside the bathtub and hold the sheet bag above the full bathtub.

Dearie’s gray mane pops out from the top where its untied, followed by her yellow coat.

“Uhhhh Dad, you’re not gonna actually throw us in there, are you?”

“Hey… Dearie.”

“Y-yes, Dad?”

“Omae wa mou shindeiru.” I said, and I let go of the bag.

-=- -=- -=-

My name is Celestia, and I’ve made a mistake.

Returning to Clean’s room I stop outside the door. Inside I hear screaming and the sound of water splashing everywhere.

I quickly open the door to find the Janitor kneeling over his bed, laughing hard enough to make his eyes tear up. Beside him are two fillies rolling around on their backs.

“Clean… What happened in here? Where are Lovie and Dearie?”

He points towards the bathroom where the sounds of splashing are coming from.

“And the screaming?”

Again he points towards the bathroom, where suds and water are starting to flow from underneath the door.

“Should… should I be worried?”

He stops for a second to look at me.

“Pfft... Yes.” He squeaks out, before falling into another fits of laughs.

Making my way over to the door, I again find myself faltering. I look behind me at the janitor and his two stooges.

I reach my hoof slowly towards the handle of the door. The closer my hoof gets, the more unsure I get about opening the door.

“Don’t be silly, if he’s laughing, then it must be good.” I say, calming myself and going to open the door. Just to have it swing open and slam me in the face.

Before everything goes dark, I hear gasps and Clean being laughing even harder.

-=- -=- -=-

“Oh Celestia, it's time to wake up dear.”

The sun is shining, rays of light gleaming through my curtains. The birds are chirping outside, a light tune flowing in.

“Clean, I’m trying to sleep...” I mumble, pushing my face farther and farther in the forbidden lands of my pillow.

“Oh how the tables have turned…”

I feel two powerful arms wrap themselves around my midsection. ‘Wait a second.’ I thought to myself, but it was already too late.

I’m lifted away from the comforts of my pillowy lands.

“Good morning Celestia, have a nice nap?”

“Clean! Don’t just pick the Princess up after that!”

“C’mon Lovie, look at her. She’s fine.”

I shake my head back and forth and try to rub the sleep out of my eyes with my hooves.

“Clean, what happened?”

“Nothing much Tia, you just tried to eat a door with your face. Doesn’t look like it worked well for you though.”

Lovie rubs her front hoof into the ground and her ears lay flat against her head.

“I’m sorry Celestia, I didn’t realize you were behind the door.”

I pick up a pillow with my magic and fling it at her. It flops gently against her face, getting stuck on her horn.

“There, now we’re even. Clean, would you kindly put me down?”

Clean looks between Lovie and me, then smiles.

“Wait, Clean, No-!”

“And he goes for the batista bomb!”

“CLEAAAAAA-!”

-=- -=- -=-

“You know, you didn’t have to hit me THAT hard.”

“That's what you get for throwing me on the bed like that.”

“Yeah Grandpa! You could have hurt Celestia!”

“She’s an alicorn, what's the worst I could possibly do to her?”

“Well… Alright, you win, but still! Thats rude to do to a mare!”

“Sure, sure. Let’s just go downstairs to the kitchens. I wanna put some ice on this bruise.”

“Good morning Princess!” The guards would salute as we passed by.

Celestia would return the kindness with her own greetings and so would the fillies and mares.

“So, Dearie, Lovie, I’m glad to see you both, but where are your husbands anyway?”

The two mares looked between each other and shrugged.

“No idea, we left them back in the rooms.”

“And you didn’t think to invite them to eat?”

Dearie raised her hoof in the air and opened her mouth to say something, but then closed it and rubbed her chin.

“Fair point.” She said, nodding.

“Ehhhh, I’ll go fetch them, they in their usual rooms?”

“Yes Pappy, they should both be in the same room as well. They were catching up with each other, last we checked.”

“Alright, we’ll meet up in the dining room.” I said, waving them off. They replied with a chorus of goodbyes.

-=- -=- -=-

“Lets see… It should be floor four, room 415?” I say, reading off the door numbers as I pass. “Yup, probably.”

I rap my knuckles against the door. And nothing.

I bang on the door a bit harder this time. Still nothing.

“Oh for fucks sake mate. OI! ANYONE IN THERE?” I call out, banging on the door with my fist.

Only to be greeted with nothing.

“Fuck this,” and I turn the doorknob and let myself in.

“Wake up bitches, it's time to eat.”

On the bed are two stallions, cuddling up against each other. The larger one is a pegasus and has a dark yellow mane with an even darker coat with a cutie mark of a lock. The other stallion is a unicorn with a green coat with a short purple mane and goatee, while his cutie mark is of a key.

“What's this gay shit goin on in here?”

Both stallions stirred up and looked each other in the eyes.

“Bwah!” “What the buck?!” They pushed away from each other, falling onto the floor.

“This is some gay shit that, while I normally wouldn’t mind, I want no part of.”

“Wait, Clean, I can explain!”

“Nope! Don’t wanna know.”

“You see, we both thought we would take a nap.” The one with the goatee said.

“And we just kinda, I dunno, cuddled in our sleep?” The other said stallion said.

I stopped them both and pointed to the green coated one, “First off, Keystone, I know for a FACT that you would never cheat on Lovie.”

He breathed a sigh of relief as I turned my attention to the dark yellow coated stallion, “And as for YOU Lockstone, I dunno about you.”

“Hey! I would never cheat on Dearie! She’s my one and only!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m just messing with you. Now you two brothers need to get cleaned up, we’re eating, so c’mon.”

They both grumpily shuffle over to the bathroom and was their faces as I move over to the bed and stark making it.

“Guess old habits die hard,” I mumble, pulling the comforter up and placing the pillows back on the bed.

By the time I finish both stallions are coming out of the bathroom looking visibly refreshed.

“Well? You two hungry?”

They both mumble replies and we start making our way down to the dining room.

Author's Note

Hello everyone! Sorry for the long wait. College is ending my life and I've got other hobbies that grab my attention.

Anyway! Heres the chapter, and I even made a discord! Come check it out: https://discord.gg/775B9Ew
Its pretty dead atm, but it'll probably grow more. Its moreso a place to post memes, I post my "art" and if you ask you'll get access to the NSFW channel. Either way, hope y'all enjoy.

-Oats

PS; I changed my name from Guts to Oats, just a little change to connect all my accounts together.

Chapter Three - Irish Coffee

Having successfully woken up the two brothers, we all trooped on to the dining hall. I opened the large doors for the both of them, and they scurried through and sat next to their loved ones.

“You coulda atleast said thank you…”

I pass through the door myself, and head to take a seat at the table.

Celestia was at the far head of the eight seat table, with both stallions taking place beside her. Next to them, were Lovie and Dearie, having chose to sit in the middle. Lastly, Derpy and Trixie were sitting close to me. I take my seat at the other end of the table.

“So, anybody order food yet? I already feel like I’m beginning to waste away here.”

“We got pancakes!” Derpy spoke up.

“Pancakes? That's a lot of sugar for right in the morning, I’ll go ahead and eat them for you.” I say, poking her in the cheek.

“No! I want the sweets!” Derpy says pushing my hand away.

“Me too Pawpaw! Me too!”

I pat them both over the head and motion for a guard stationed by the door to come over. With practiced moves he places his spear beside the door and approaches me.

“Would you mind takin my order to the kitchen, I’d do it myself, but I’ve already done more walking than I should before my morning coffee.”

“Of course sir, what would you like?”

“Thanks Silverhoof. Can you tell them to get a ‘Clean Tuesday’ with the Irish coffee?”

“Of course sir. I’ll be right on it.”

“Good on you lad.” I say with a salute, to which he responds with his own.

We make idle talk as we wait for our orders to come out. Celestia and I were the only two to get coffee, mine being a bit different than hers was. While hers was sweetened with sugar and cream, mine was ‘sweetened’ with whiskey and cream.

“Pawpaw, what does coffee taste like?” Trixie asks me, her hoof around a cup of orange juice that she got.

“Depends on the creature, I find ponies don't like it as much as everyone else. Before you ask, no, you cannot have some of mine.”

“Can I order my own then?” She asks.

“After you finish your-” I start to say, before she interrupts me by downing her entire cup of orange juice. “Fair enough. Waiter?”

“Yes sir?” A thin looking earth pony asks, wearing a classic waiters uniform, complete with a small apron on the front.

“Can I get a small cup of coffee for the little pony right there?” I ask, before leaning in and whispering into his ear. “Make it decaf tho, and bring a lot of sugar and cream.”

“Of course sir, right away.”

With a nod he leaves us be and I continue to nurse my own drink.

“So, anypony have any plans for today?” I ask.

Dearie tries to speak up, only to choke on her food. Lockstone pats her on the back and he speaks up. “What Dearie was gonna say, is that we all have plans today.”

I wait for her to finish coughing her lungs out and motion for her to explain.

“Umm, yeah. We have plans today as a family, you’re free, right Dad?”

“Of course! Anything for my family! Celestia, cancel my appointments!”

“Wait, what?”

“Perfect! Appointments cancelled Celestia and I would love to join.”

“Clean, I-” Celestia starts, before I cut her off.

“See? Even Celestia is free-.”

“Dad, I was wondering if instead of inviting Celestia, it could be just us? No offense Princess.”

It was my turn to be interrupted as Lovie spoke up.

“My apologies Clean, but it looks like a family outing today. I have work to finish up either way.” Celestia says, wiping her face with a napkin, standing up off her cushion, and hurrying off.

“Well then. I suppose it's a family outing today.” I conclude, as the waiters come out with our food and Trixie’s coffee.

They place our plates down while one looks confused at Celestia’s empty seat. With a shrug, the waiter places the plate down and walks away.

Derpy and Trixie both ordered pancakes like they said. Dearie and Love both ordered toast, scrambled eggs, and grits. Lockstone and Keystone chose to get toast as well, but with soft boiled eggs on the side. Celestia, unsurprisingly, ordered an extra large plate of pancakes, oozing with syrup.

The ‘Clean Tuesday’ consisted of a thin strip of steak cooked with salt, pepper, and garlic, an over hard egg cooked with onion powder lightly sprinkled on it, and a thin slice of cheese all put together on an English muffin.

All the ponies at the table looked at it like it was the holy grail.
“You know you can order it yourselves. Just ask for it, but you’re not gettin mine.” I said, pulling the plate closer to me.

“You know Dad, you DID teach us that sharing means caring.”

“And Barney taught me that, and we all know what happened to him!”

We sat in silence for a couple seconds, the joke clearly being lost on them.

“Nevermind. Just don’t touch my food.” I say, waving my butter knife around menacingly.

We all ate, with Trixie drinking her own cup of coffee. Luckily the waiter made sure to add a lot of cream so that it wouldn’t be too strong for her.

“Look mom~ I’m just like grandpa!” Trixie said with coffee staining her light blue coat.

“That you do sweetie,” Lovie said, before levitating a napkin up to Trixie’s muzzle and wiping it away.

I reached up to rub at my face, finding a lot more stubble than I remember having.

“Alright, alright. Jokes on me. How did you like the drink Trixie?”

“It was okay.” Came her muffled response from behind the napkin.

-=- -=- -=-

Noticing I was still in my sleepwear, I excused myself to clean up. Everypony agreed to meet back up at the front gates. Not only did I need a shave, but the fillies needed a washing off after all the syrup from their pancakes.

In my room, I decided on the typical dad look for the day. Plaid shorts and a white polo shirt, complete with a black belt. I skipped the hat and socks with sandals for the day, but there was always tomorrow.

Inside the bathroom I pulled out my straight razor. With a quick wash, I cleaned my face of any leftover breakfast. With soapy eyes I fumble for a rag and furiously dry my face.

With a now clean but still unshaven face I take a good look at myself in the mirror.

“Hells bells, I really do need a shave…” I offhandedly mention, rubbing at my scruffy face.

I grab a bit of the shaving cream and start to lather up. I set up my hone and strop, the two essential tools to shaving with a straight razor. With everything set up I flick the bit of lather off the razor and bring it up to my cheek.

“You’re looking a bit rough Clean, you sure you’ll be able to stay sane?”

I jerked back hearing this, cutting my cheek in the process. Taking only a moment to recoil, I hold the razor at arms length and look around in an attempt to find the intruder.

Finding nothing, I set the razor down and wipe the blood off my face. Luckily it wasn’t a large cut, but it would be bleeding for a while. I look into the mirror to get a better guess at if it’ll need stitches or not.

The face that greets me isn’t my own. The eyes of the man greeting me are sunken in, with deep bags under them. He lacks the cut under his eye that I just gained, rather, his face is covered in grey, shaggy hair. He looks worse for wear.

“What in the…” I question, bringing my hand up to my face, the figure on the other side copying my moves.

Tunnel vision takes me as my surroundings begin to disappear. My once comfortable bathroom is instead replaced with an all too familiar cell.

The knocking of hoof against, followed by; “Clean? Are you ready to go yet?” knocks me out of my trance.

Lovie walks into the room, followed by Dearie and the others.

“We’ve been waiting for- Oh my Celestia!” Dearie screams before running up to me.

“What happened? Why are you so bloody? Dad, talk to me!”

“Huh?” Is all I can let out as I bring my hand back up to my face. I see Keystone and Lockstone pushing the fillies out of my room as Dearie and Lovie close the door behind them.

I look down at my hand and see its a lot redder than I remember. Then, the familiar warmth of magic covered my cheek, wiping some of the blood away. The skin on my face was pulled taunt as Lovie’s healing magic closed the wound.

“Dad? Clean? What happened Dad?” Dearie kept asking.

I couldn’t muster up the strength to respond, instead turning around and looking into the mirror.

Whatever was there before is gone now, leaving only my usual look behind.

“I wish to be left alone. Dearie, Lovie, please leave.”

“But Dad-!”

“No buts, I’ll meet you down by the gate. Now please, leave me be.” I force out, voice cracking at the end. I didn’t want them to leave, but I couldn’t let them see me like this.

Both Dearie and Lovie looked at each other, before opening the door to the bathroom and leaving.

I looked around at the bathroom, trying to regain my composure. My once clean bathroom was now covered in the reflective look of fresh blood.

My hands are shaking and I feel cold.

“What was that…?”

-=- -=- -=-

Everypony was waiting outside my door. They each had varying degrees of worry adorning their faces.

I brush my fingers through Dearie’s mane as I walked past her. Everypony followed behind me silently.

Dearie and Lovie moved to walk beside me, brushing their faces against my hands.

“Dad? What happened back there?”

“Sorry, I was spooked is all.” I replied, trying to dismiss the fact that I didn’t have a real answer to give them.

They both fell back and started whispering to each other. Instead of focusing on their hushed voices, I instead focused on keeping a straight face. Best to hide behind a mask until I’m sure everything is fine.

“Dad, would you like to take a trip into the city?” Lovie speaks up, trotting back next to me.

“Yeah, they’ve got a theater playing Shookedspeared. You used to tell us stories about him!”

“It was Shakespeare. That was his name in my world.”

“Still! Would you like to go see it?”

I thought about it for a second, on one hand I don’t feel like sitting through a play that I’ve seen before. On the other hand, I don’t want to be left alone with my thoughts.

“Sure, I would enjoy that. When does it start?” I ask.

Both of them seem to cheer up at that.

“In an hour! We can make it if we hurry.”

“Then lead the way.”

They lead us all the way through the halls to the front gate. Outside was a carriage already waiting for us.

Keystone and Lockstone opened both doors on the side of the carriage, allowing us to get in.

The inside of the carriage is nothing special, we do have to squeeze together for us to all fit in. Derpy and Trixie choose to sit on my lap of course.

Lockstone says something to the drawponies in the front, before joining us in the cabin.

“Well? Shall we be off?”

Author's Note

Bet Y'all didn't expect this.

Chapter Four - A Good Movie

The slow ‘drive’ to the theater was filled with idle chitchat. Derpy and Trixie sat on my lap, each taking turns with me brushing their hair, while Dearie and Lovie chatted with their husbands. I looked outside the little window to the carriage and watched the ponies walk past.

I knew this castle like the back of my hand. I knew this town like palm. But these ponies, I only knew some of them. I’ve lived in this world for nearly two centuries.

“You know, in my old world I would have died by now.”

The idle chatter in the carriage stopped completely.

“Dad? Are you okay?”

I looked away from the window and looked at the ponies in the carriage with me. Dearie Doo and Lovie Lulamoon, my two beautiful daughters. Lockstone and Keystone, my two son-in-laws. And Derpy and Trixie, my two granddaughters.

“All of you are so important to me…” I said, feeling my eyes begin to tear up. “If I lost any of you… I don’t know what I would do.”

Trixie stirred from my lap and rubbed against my hand. “Are you feeling sick pawpaw?”

Dearie and Lovie looked at each other and got up to sit on either side of me and lean on my. I brought a hand up to my face and wiped the tears that were starting to form away.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told y’all about myself, have I?”

The two brothers went from ambivalent to curious, while Lovie and Dearie remained quiet.

“I’m about… lets see… I got here when I was 28… plus… I’m over 200 years old now. As you probably guessed, back in my world I was a janitor. I lost a lot of family back home, we were in the middle of a big war. I lost my old man in Iraq, a country back home, and my ma passed shortly after I graduated…”

I took a second to mull over my thoughts, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it up. I took a slow puff and cracked open the window.

“Well, when they both passed I was sorta on my own. My grandmother passed before I was born, but my grandfather died a couple years before my pa. Greatest old man you would have ever met, used to sit on his old rocking chair and smoke from his pipe all day. Told a mean story too, but anyway, no one in my immediate family to go to. Couple of cousins across the states, but too far to travel. I ended up selling everything we had and traveled. Eventually I found a job at a big complex building as a janitor. Bought a small townhouse outside of town and lived there for a couple years before I found myself here.”

We sat in silence for a couple seconds. Dearie rubbing my left arm and Lovie rubbing my right. The two fillies were quietly listening to my story, so I idly pet them.

“I focused on my work. I didn’t try and get a life outside of it, no point in my opinion. Back where I come from, a layman won’t be much in life and a janitor isn’t much of a big buck making job. But then I found her… She was the perfect girl to me, I fell in love immediately. I decided to ask her out, awkwardly, mind you, but still. And she said yes, she actually agreed to go on a date with me. For years I had resigned myself to being alone and just silently doing my job, but then I got something big to live for. I thought of having kids for once in my life, thought of getting married and starting a family.”

My hand started shaking and I crushed the butt of my cigarette into a metal container that I put the remains and ashes in.

“But this wouldn’t be a Clean story is it ended happily. Her name was-”

“Excuse me, Clean and family! We’ve arrived!” Came from outside the carriage.

“Well shucks, guess we’ll need to finish story time later.”

“Dad, if you need to wait-” Dearie started to say, before I cut her off.

“Nah sweetheart. All I want to say is that I love all of you very much. You’re all my everything.” I said, leaning down to kiss my kids and grandkids on their foreheads. “And even you too, I’d kiss your foreheads too, but that would be weird, just know that you’re both part of my family now.”

“Yessir.” “Thank you, father.” They both said.

-=- -=- -=-

Entering the theater, we stamped our tickets in and looked around. It looked similar to an old movie theater, complete with the signature 70s carpet aesthetic. In the direct middle of the theater was a concession stand, with popcorn, nachos, and various drinks.

“Wait, I thought we were going to a play? Like a classic theater?”

Lovie hopped around me, showing off a bag of popcorn and pushing it into my hands. “Surprised? We wanted to show you the new theater in town, plus a new movie just came out, its got a lot of slapstick humor.”

“Well yeah I’m surprised! I won’t be happy with just a popcorn tho, I need a nacho and a slurpee to make this perfect, you kids want anything?” I said, walking up to the stand pulling out some coins.

“Dad, its your birthday break, you’re not paying for anything.”

“Watch me.” I said, tossing a couple coins on the counter. “Give me one of every candy, four more popcorns… six cola frosties… and… oh! Four nachos. And if you have a cart for all of that that would be lovely.”

The mare behind the counter tapped a few buttons on her cash register and smiled. “Certainly sir! That will be thirteen bits and they will bring the cart in for you.”

“Perfect, take 14 and keep the change.” I said, tossing a couple more onto the counter.

“Of course Mr.Clean. Thank you, and enjoy the movie.”

I turned back to the rest of the group. “You can all pay me back by having a good time. I don’t get to treat my kids very often, let alone my grandkids.”

The two fillies looked excited at the prospect of goodies, while their mothers looked displeased.

“Dad, what did I just say-”

I cut Dearie off. “What did I say about backsassin your papa? Now let me do something nice while I can.”

They were both unhappy with me, so I quickly grabbed the fillies in my arms and said, “Alright before you get mad at me, look at these cute little fillies and tell my they’re not happy with the snacks.” I held them out, pointed towards Dearie.

“...”

“...”

“Well?”

“I’m still mad it you.”

“Well fu- fiddlesticks… I’m going without you four then, buy your own snacks.”

-=- -=- -=-

As it turns out, the movie in question was a knock off Three Stooges movie called “The Trio of Stogies” to which I laughed at the title card.

“You know, I haven’t had a stogie in some time. I wonder if I can get one from my magic carton… That, or I’d take a blunt too…”

“Dad, shush! You’re ruining the movie!”

“Da- darn it Dearie I’m reminiscing!”

“Shh!” came from several rows in front of us.

I picked up a piece of popcorn and threw it at them, to which it harmlessly plinked off the back of their head. Then, leaning back in my too small chair, I started to enjoy the little movie.

The two fillies were enjoying the movie the most, which brought a smile to my face. I passed both of them a little bag of chocolate candies, keeping a third for myself.

“Emm And Emms…” I read off the side.

I felt Dearier lean against my shoulder. Opening the baggy, I pulled out a green one and popped it into my mouth.

Dearied began pawing at my elbow, nearly causing me to drop the baggy. I flicked her on the nose, then pulled out a handful of the chocolate beads and dropped a purple one onto her muzzle. She sat still for a second before jerking and catching it in her mouth.

“Thanks dad.”

“Sure, you can get the purple ones. I hate the purple ones.” I said, dividing the candies by color.

We sat there, enjoying company, a good movie, and dozens of candies. The three main characters were attempting to escape a jail cell, the bald and chubby one managing to cause a bar to fall onto his head knocking him out while the other two were using dental floss to cut lines through the cell bars.

“Hey, you, come here.”

In the adjacent cell, a human hand reached out, attempting to grab the bar that knocked out the unconscious one.

“Thats it, come to papa…”

The camera panned out slightly, just enough to show a bit of the other cell, showing an emancipated man with a scraggly beard. He pulled the bar over and picked it up. He looked it over, then placed it in the corner of the room where a stool was.

“Now, where have my tools gone?” He said, as he pulled a cigarette out of his pocket and lit it up.

The camera panned out more, showing more of the cell.

“Wait, isn’t that my…”

He pulled a small box out from a hole in the wall.

“Wait, thats my box!”

“Dad! Shh! You’re gonna bother others.”

“But Dearie, did you not-”

“Hey! Quiet back there!”

I looked back at the screen to see the three ponies pulling a carriage followed by several other ponies toting their own carriages.

“Fuck this, I need to see Celestia…”

Author's Note

Merry Christmas everyone.

I meant to put this out two days ago on my birthday, as a little gift to all, but got sidetracked. Instead, here is a small Christmas present from me to you. Expect many more chapters to come, in this and the others.

Chapter Five - Edible Good Times

The rest of the movie was uneventful. This didn’t stop me from being on edge the rest of the time. As the lights turned back on and ponies began to stand up and throw their trash away, my group was contemplating what to do next.

I half listened into their conversation.

“Well, what about going to the park? Take a bit of a walk after all that food?”

I grabbed the trolley with food on it and started cleaning up any food that had fallen. Small bags of candies that the fillies had dropped were scattered underneath the seat. I’d have to reprimand them later.

“Actually, I didn’t have that much, why not go someplace to eat?”

“I wanna eat hayburgers!”

“Ditzy, I think it's up to grandpa to decide where we eat.”

“Whatever y’all want is fine, just make sure it's got an omnivore menu.” I said, tossing the trash unceremoniously onto the cart.

“Well, I know there are a couple places that cater to griffons and dragons, would you like to go there?” Dearie asked, following.

Pushing the cart out of the aisle and down the walkway, I stopped in front of the trashcan and started throwing stuff away. Everything that wasn’t going to fit into my pockets that is.

“Sure, that’ll work.” I said, stuffing various bags of candy into my pockets and snapping off a piece of chocolate from a chocolate bar and popping it into my mouth.

“You know, you’re gonna ruin your appetite doing that.” Lockstone said.

“F- frig off I got a stomach for sweets too.”

I left the cart at the front desk, grabbed a couple napkins, then quickly wiped the tops cleaned just to make it a bit easier for the staff.

The group of ponies had already walked outside and were hailing a cab by the time I finished. Once I joined them, I did my usual routine of taking out a handkerchief, wiping my hands, putting it away, and taking out my smokes. Lighting one up, I looked around. The sun was a little past the middle of the sky, my guess would be around one in the afternoon.

The street was full of little ponies. Various colors and marks filled the street as chariots pulled by the same ponies rushed back and forth. Pegasi, being able to fly, would gingerly waft past. Most flying just a head above me, while some choose to fly higher.

“C’mon Clean, they’ll see you hailing a cart better.” Lovie said, nudging against me.

Finished the last of the smoke, I took out my portable ashtray and snuffed it before tossing it in. After wiping my hands again with the handkerchief, I leaned down and scooped Lovie up. Causing her to squeak and struggle.

“You know what, I feel like walking today, care to join me?”

“Dad! Put me down! I’m too old for this!”

“No dad is too old to hold his babies.” Dearie said, using her wings to jump onto my shoulders.

“Damn straight. Hope you two don’t mind.” I said to Lockstone and Keystone.

“A little, but we’ll get over it.” Keystone said, picking up Trixie.

Lockstone sighed and followed suit with Ditzy.

I carried Lovie while Dearie sat on my shoulders. We walked through the slightly crowded streets of Canterlot looking for a good place to eat. Most of the places were herbivore restaurants with the rest being various confectionery and ice cream places.

Luckily, I knew this city front to back. From the less noticeable stores to the back end borderline black market stores. So I knew exactly where to go.

We continued down the street until the way became less crowded, the store I was looking for was made of an old wood, seemingly in disrepair. There were several metal sheets nailed into the wood. These sheets had various artwork and signs painted onto them. In the very center was the largest sheet of all. The words “Macabre Diner” painted on.

“Clean, is this a pub?” Lockstone asked. “Because we have fillies with us you know.”

“Lock, mate, c’mon. I may make mistakes and enjoy a drink myself, but I’m not gonna bring my grandkids to a bar. It's a diner. Like a normal herbivore one. The fillies wanted hayburgers after all.” I said, setting Lovie down.

She shook her legs, trying to recover feeling in them, then lightly kicked me in the shin. Dearie hopped off on her own and stretched.

I pushed the door open and stepped inside.

“Rev up those fryers! Cus I am sure hungry for one of tho-” I ducked as a knife came flying towards me and stuck into the wood just where my head had been.

“Fuck off Clean! You say that every time you come in! It's been twelve years since I opened and you say it every. Damn. time!”

Behind the counter of the diner was an elderly griffon. His eyes squinted with thick and bushy eyebrows covering the top half of his face.

“True, true. But I pay good money when I go come, don’t I? Plus I brought family.” I said, pulling the knife out of the wood and placing it on the counter.

“Wha? You actually brought your family here? Why not take them to one-a those fancy rich pony joints?”

“Because they want hayburgers, and I want some meat brother, think you can help a fella out?” I said, reaching into my bag and leaving 4 bits on the counter.

He raised one of his eyebrows at me.

I pulled out my pack of smokes and pulled four out, placing them beside the bits.

“Hmmmm… Aight, I’ll come take your order, take your seats.”

I took out another smoke and popped it into my mouth, lit it, and showed my family to a table. The mares would sit on the inside of the booth, followed by the fillies, then the stallions on the outside. I would have to pull up a chair from a freestanding table. They all piled in and I excused myself to wash my hands.

Walking into the bathroom I flicked the ashes into my portable ashtray once again and pumped some soap into my hands.

“Two to the one to the one to the three…” I muttered as I washed my hands. I looked around the bathroom and noticed how dirty it was. It took every ounce of my willpower to not start wiping the sink, but I just shook my hands, dried them, and stepped out.

“Oi! Chip! You need to clean that damn bathroom some time.” I called out, walking back to the table. My only response was a grunt from the kitchen.

Looking around the small restaurant, I noticed that the place was surprisingly empty. With there being one other pony family and two griffon families.

The ponies sat around the table talking. The two fillies were repeating some of the more funnier lines from the movie, even if it was mostly slapstick humor. The mares and stallions were talking about plans for the rest of the day.

Chip, the griffon who was behind the bar, walked up with a notepad and feather quill.

“So, what's the order?”

Lockstone spoke up first, “Six orders of hayburgers and fries, two of them get extra pickles and two get extra onions. Four waters, and two apple juices.”

Chip wrote it all down and looked up to me.

“Two Vodka and Cokes, two burgers medium rare, everything on them, and an extra large serving of fries.”

He wrote that down as well muttering about ‘vodka and coke’ before turning around and moving to the kitchen.

“So, Dad, how did you enjoy the movie?” Dearie asked.

“Ehh, not that bad. Reminded me of the three stooges back home. Maybe even a bit like Naked Gun. God I love Liam Nielson. What a fella.”

“Naked Gun?” Lockstone spoke up.

“Yeah, it's an old movie back home. It's about a cop who makes a couple mistakes but always solves the case in the end. That's not a good synopsis, but oh well, it's been a long time since I’ve seen it. It's mostly visual humor and cheap gags, but I’ll be da-darned if I didn’t love it. Owned a copy of every movie that guy starred in.”

“Well, why not try rewriting it? Maybe sell it and have some big fancy moviepony make a good copy of it?”

“Well, it's probably worth a shot…”

Chip walked up with our drinks and informed us our orders would be done in a couple minutes. I took a sip of mine, then a drag of a cigarette, then leaned back.

“Ahhhh, that's the good shit. We used to be able to smoke in stores back home. Then they made a law cus too many people were doing it and it caused people to get sick. Luckily this world has magic and the like, so it doesn’t affect anyone but me. Still, crazy how things work here.”

We talked for a couple more minutes until Chip returned with our food. Everypony dug in while I leaned over to chip.

“Hey, brother what do I gotta pay you to bake a cake or something sweet for everyone?”

He rubbed his chin with a talon and hummed.

“Twenty smokes and twelve bits.” He finally said, holding his taloned hand out.

“Deal.”

I pulled a couple of smokes out and put them into his hand followed by the bits and he pocketed them and walked off.

“What was that about pawpaw?” Trixie said, mouth full of fries.

“Just helpin an old friend out. Now let's dig in.”

It took us about thirty minutes to eat everything. I had finished in about ten to the amazement of everyone at the table.

“Clean, have you ever eaten before?”

“No, I haven’t. First time.”

“Seems like it! You ate so much and so fast!”

“Dunno, I’ve just been starving all day for some reason.”

I leaned back in my seat and sipped the last of my drink, grimacing as it was watered down from the ice melting. I pulled out yet another smoke and lit it up.

“Chesterfield. These were his favorites. Super cheap, but an old brand. Used to call them ‘Goldfinger Classics’ whenever he did.”

“Wha-ow shit.” I cursed as my fingers lightened their grip around the light and it fell onto my lap.

“You okay dad?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.”

“You better be good! Cus here comes dessert!” Came from behind me.

Chip pushed a cart up to the table. On top was a normal sized chocolate cake.

“I present to you, Chip’s Ten Layered Chocolate Chip Cake.” He said, picking it up off the cart and placing it in the middle of the table. He then started collecting the rest of the empty plates and placed new ones down.

“Well, to my family!” I said, taking a knife from the cart and cutting a slice of the cake. “Who wants first slice?”

Both of the fillies raised their hooves.

“Well, can’t do rock paper scissors… Guess first slice is mine then.”

Both of the fillies began to whine.

I took the knife and cut the slice in half and put the other half onto a new plate. “There, now both of you get the first slice.”

Both of the fillies were content.

-=- -=- -=-

After everyone had enjoyed a slice of cake, I had Chip put the rest into a container to take home.

Ditzy and Trixie were full and had fallen asleep. Lockstone and Keystone picked up their respective daughters and carried them outside.

I walked over to Chip who was behind the counter again as Dearie and Lovie followed their husbands outside.

“So, any updates?”

The elderly griffon raised a single eyebrow again, looking up at me.

“Are you fu- alright. Do you have any Whiskey - Echo - Echo - Delta?”

Reaching under the counter, he pulled out a small baggy and placed it between us.

“That’ll be 20 darts and 20 bits.”

“Goddamn brother, that's highway robbery. You best be glad Celestia got pissed last time I grew this shit my-Ooooo!”

Opening the bag, it was full of small cookies, all neatly wrapped in plastic.

I quickly took the box out of my pocket and dumped a load of cigarettes onto the counter, then dropped twenty bits onto the counter.

“Hey. Clean. Look underneath the cookies.”

“Hell no, I’m saving the surprise until I get home. Now I gotta go brother, got family to take care of.”

“Aye, and be sure you don’t have anything you gotta do afterwards. Only eat one as well.”

“Mate you got me fucked if you think I’m stopping at one.”

-=- -=- -=-

We decided to take a cart back to the castle. By the time we got back it was already around six in the afternoon.

“Well I’ll be, I thought it was earlier than that!”

“As did I, the fillies are still raring to go too! Dad, would you mind taking them out into the garden to play?”

I looked down at the bag in my hands and to the two fillies.

I had to think to myself, should I resist the temptation and just store them for later?

“Absolutely! C’mon girls let's go and check on the animals.”

Both of the fillies quickly ran off.

“Alright, y’all four have fun. Don’t worry about protection either, I wouldn’t mind more granddaughters, but maybe next time gimmie some grandsons.”

“Dad!”

I walked away, opening up my goodie bag and looking inside. Inside were two different plastic containers of cookies. They were wrapped tightly in what I would assume was plastic wrap. Either to keep the smell out, or to keep them fresh. I pulled out the first plastic container, took the plastic wrap off, and opened the container. Inside were six cookies, all the same size and shape, but with small chocolate chips in them.

“Ooooh, don't mind if I do!”

I popped one of them into my mouth and crunched on it as I walked outside. The sun has yet to set, so the garden was fully illuminated. The two fillies were chasing each other through the flowers.

“Y’all be careful now, keep out of the roses.”

The two of them continued to chase each other, screaming in excitement. I walked over to the large fountain in the center of the garden. It was made of some sort of stone, something too fancy for me to remember the name of. I looked around, letting the beauty of nature enrapture me.

The grass was cut perfectly, thanks to me of course, and the bushes and hedges were all trimmed into geometric shapes, from spheres to cubes. Two in particular were of Celestia and, presumably, Luna. With this were the patches of flowers dotted around, all focusing around the fountain in the center. The fillies were trying their best to run around the flowers, but would occasionally trample some of them.

“Oh yeah, I should eat one of the cookies.” I said, opening the goody bag and looking inside. Inside were two different plastic containers of cookies. They were wrapped tightly in what I would assume was plastic wrap. Either to keep the smell out, or to keep them fresh. I pulled out the first plastic container, took the plastic wrap off, and-

“Wait, did I already eat one?”

While the other plastic container had six, this one only had five.

“Shit, is it kicking in that fast? These are some bomb edibles.”

I wrapped it back up and put it back in the bag and set it down at my feet. Pulling out my smokes, I took one out then set the pack on the stone beside me on the right. Next came the lighter, which I used to light it up. I set that beside the pack as well.

I took a few puff and watched as the gentle breeze blew the smoke away from me. I took out the ashtray and set it to my left, the opposite of the pack. I started to lean back, enjoying the feeling of the breeze across my skin and the feeling of the sun bearing down on me.

Only to have a sudden wakeup call that I was not, in fact, sitting in a chair. I fell backwards into the fountain, gurgling as water filled my lungs and nose.

I thrashed for a couple seconds, before getting my bearings and pulling myself out. My cigarette floating in the water beside me, having been snuffed out by the water.

Both of the fillies had stopped chasing each other to come check on me, giggling.

“Nice job grandpaw! Even I don’t fall in the fountain anymore!” Trixie said in between giggles.

“Yeah, but are you okay pawpaw?” Came from Ditzy.

“Yeah, yeah. Just slipped was all.”

Stepping out, I took off my overshirt and started to shake it, followed by my boots and socks. I tipped over the boot, causing water to pour out, followed by a goldfish.

“Now how the- oh yeah, cartoon logic.” I picked the small fish up and tossed it into the fountain. “Oh yeah, can’t forget that.”

I grabbed the doused smoke and tossed it into the ashtray. I shook my head, causing water to fly about. This prompted both fillies to scream out, still giggling, and run away.

I sat down on the grass in front of the fountain this time, leaving the boots, socks, and overshirt to dry in the sun. I grabbed another smoke, lit this one as well, and leaned against the cold stone.

“Ahhhhh, much better... I think I earned another cookie…”

-=- -=- -=-

The sun began to set.

The wind was still blowing.

I smoked a couple cigarettes.

I was fucked up.

So, it turns out, when Chip said to only eat one, he was right. I could barely stand up when the two fillies came up to me saying they were tired. However, once I stood up, I couldn’t stop moving.

“Pawpaw! Wait up!”

“Ah shit, sorry ladies.”

I reached down and picked them both up.

“Alright. Time to go. I’m hungry. I’m also- actually nevermind.”

I carried both the fillies, plus the goody bag, inside the castle. It was hard to focus on anything as I made my way to the cafeteria.

Inside was my two daughters and my two son-in-laws. They were happily eating next to Celestia. I set both of the fillies down, and they ran over to their mothers.

“Well hello Clean, how was your time in the garden?” Celestia asked.

“Pawpaw fell in the fountain!”

“Oh he did, did he?” The Princess asked, looking at me smugly.

I, for my part, ignored her and found a seat.

“Waiter! Order!” My hand was raised high in the air.

A thestral walked up to me and sat down beside me.

“Well howdy clean, how's it going?”

“Morning Dew. Since when are you a fucking waiter?”

“I’m not, but you’re looking kinda like a snack yourself. Maybe even a full meal.”

I slammed my right arm down on the table in front of her and raised my left hand.

“Well, don’t mind if I do.” She said, biting down onto my forearm.

A waiter pony walked up to me, so I lowered my hand.

“Good evening sir, what can I-”

“I want two fizzy drinks, a steak, medium rare, fries, potato skins if you got them.”

“Right away sir.”

The ponies at the table, minus the one munching on my arm, stared at me.

“I’m hungry.”

Author's Note

Guess who back. Back again. Oats is back. Tell a friend.

I'm writing everything slowly, so don't worry too much about me. Just going thru some stuff after moving out, but I'm still alive so far. Chapters shall come out as they are finished.

Chapter Six - Another Butt into the Ashtray

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