Anthology of Interest Two: The Sequel

by Sleipnirs Foal

Rating: teen
Tags: Spike, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 9835

The sequel of MLP: Anthology of Interest. This time with Celestia, Luna and Spike

It is the middle of the night when two bored princesses visit Twilight and her 'What If' machine. Join the three ponies and Spike as the view more:
Tales
of
Interest!

Published 2012-07-26 08:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-06 00:33:21 UTC

No Rest for the Witty

Anthology of Interest Two: The Sequel

No Rest for the Witty

Twilight Sparkle lay quietly in bed. The series of baykok attacks this week had taken a lot out of her. Who knew that part of town had been built over an ancient buffalo burial ground? But now that everything was taken care of, she could finally get some sleep.

After a few hours the purple mare felt herself being drawn from her slumber. She knew she was awake, but refused to open her eyes, trying to will herself back to sleep. That's when she noticed what had woken her up in the first place. It felt like somepony was staring at her, what's more it felt like that pony was standing right above her, waiting. Slowly opening her eyes Twilight saw a large white blur. Closing her eyes again, she reopened them to see the blur had two magenta eyes and a smile. Blinking away the sleep Twilight saw that it was Princess Celestia standing over her, with a gentle grin on her face (though some may have said it looked more like a smirk).

This was totally irregular, so Twilight did what she always did in bewildering situations: Make a mental checklist and devise an appropriate solution.

1. It is the middle of the night: Check

2. I am in my bedroom: Check

3. I am in bed: Check

4. My mentor and princess is here: Check

5. She is standing over me, watching me sleep: Check

The fitting reaction for this situation? Sit up and greet the Princess, then inquire what she is doing here at this late hour:

Twilight let out a crazed yelp, flailing her limbs about wildly. Since she was still under her covers she managed to tangle herself in a blanket. Now struggling to get free she rolled off the bed onto the hard wooden floor.

“Almost check.” Said Twilight as she freed herself from her plush restraints. Getting to her hooves the scholar saw a look of concern turn to one of relief on Celestia's features.

“I'm sorry Twilight, I didn't mean to scare you.” The Princess said, her smile (smirk) now returning, “I was trying to figure out the best way to wake you up.”

Regardless of the means, Twilight was now fully awake and in panic mode. “Princess! What are you doing here? Is something wrong? Is Equestria in danger again? Should I get the girls?”

“Calm down, Twilight.” Celestia rested a reassuring hoof on her pupils shoulder. “Equestira is safe, this is an unofficial visit.”

“Unofficial?”

“Yes Twilight, we have been getting rather frustrated with palace life, so we decided to take a little break this evening.”

“We?”

“Indeed, Twilight Sparkle.” From a dark corner of the room a midnight blue alicorn walked into the circle of light radiating from the candle Celestia had lit.

“Princess Luna, you're here too?”

“It is so Twilight Sparkle. As my sister said, the castle has become too tedious, so we decided to 'hang out.'”

“Okay. But why here?”

“My sister has been lamenting your absence. It seems she misses your presence.”

Twilight beamed at hearing the Princess missed her, and Celestia's cheeks brighten at having her sister spill how much the purple mare meant to her. Trying to move on to another topic Celestia said, “I was rather jealous that you gave you're friends a demonstration of your 'What If' machine without inviting me.”

“Indeed.” Added Luna. “Thine creation sounds like an excellent source of 'fun.'”

“Oh no!” Shouted Twilight, once again panicked. “No, I reported to you what a horrible failure that machine was when I finished it! It's nothing but a... Wait. How did you know that my friends saw it?”

“Oh, I received several friendship reports about it.” Replied Celestia.

“Huh?”

“I also had to close an infinite entropy-loop that day.”

“Eh-wuh?”

“Overall, it seemed like an enjoyable experience for everypony.”

“No. It wasn't.” Twilight deadpanned.

“I am confused Twilight Sparkle.” Luna cut in. “Why are you so opposed to your own invention?”

“Yes Twilight, it's unlike you to give up on something you've worked so hard on.”

“I told you already Princess, every question I ask shows something horrible!”

“What manner of horrors has this device shown you?” Asked the moon diarch.

“Well, I asked 'what if I was never chosen as Princess Celestia's protégé?'” Twilight explained. “It showed that I became an evil Necronomicorn, stole Nightmare Moon's powers, and challenged Celestia to a battle to the death!”

“I'll admit that is rather traumatic, but perhaps if you had asked a happier question?” Celestia prompted.

“I did!” Twilight's voice was rising now. “I asked it 'what if I had a special somepony?' I wound up destroying all life on Earth!”

“Well, that is quite discouraging...”

“Discouraging? I had nightmares for weeks!”

“It's true. And when she can't sleep she keeps me up all night too.” A new voice entered the conversation. There at the foot of the bed was a baby dragon, wide awake but still curled up in his basket.

“Who art thou, young wyrm?” Asked Luna, surprised at finding a fourth occupant in the room.

“I'm Spike, the assistant.”

“I have never seen you here before.”

“Well, I've never seen you here before either.”

“It's good to see you Spike, how are you?” Celestia asked.

“Tired.”

“I'm sorry Spike, we should have been quieter.” Said Celestia. “But now that you're awake, perhaps you'd like to join us in a viewing of Twilight's 'What If' machine?”

That perked Spike up slightly. “Okay! It's downstairs in the lab, I'll go get it.”

“That won't be necessary.” Celestia's horn glowed golden, and the device and its accompanying screen appeared in the room.

“Oh no.” Twilight complained, but was duly ignored.

“Everyone find yourself a seat.” Celestia's voice rang out.

Spike sat upright, nestling in his basket. To Twilight's surprise, Celestia climbed into bed with her, draping a wing over the unicorn and pulling her close so they could both fit on the small mattress. Luna huffed, “And where am I supposed to sit?”

Twilight sighed in defeat, knowing that the 'What If' machine was going to be used. She lit up her horn and levitated spare blankets and pillows from the closet into a nest beside Spike for the lunar sister. Luna accepted this spot and sat down.

“Now we just need to decide what questions to ask.” Celestia said.

“Perhaps we should see what life would be like if the element bearers had never come together?” Luna suggested.

“We already saw that one! It sucked!” Pinkie Pie shouted, popping out from underneath Twilight's bed.

“Pinkie Pie?!” Exclaimed Twilight, shocked to see her friend appear. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh, I sneak into your house almost every night. It's kinda like a hobby.” The pink mare replied, like breaking and entering was no big deal.

This news was too much for Twilight. “What?... how did?... why?... Just... just get out of here!”

With the expression of a scolded puppy, Pinkie slowly pulled her head back under the bed. Twilight hoped that she imagined it, but she could swear she heard the gears and hydraulics of an elevator descending beneath her bed. This was going to be a long night.

Party Like It's 799

“Alright Princess Celestia, the machine is all set up and you can ask it a question.” Twilight reluctantly said, sliding back onto her bed.

“Thank you Twilight.” Celestia walked up to the projector-like device and paused. Bringing a hoof to her chin she said. “Now, what to ask?”

“Mayhapse we can see what would happen if you became corrupted with anger and madness?” Luna asked with goodnatured curiosity.

“No, I've already put much thought into that scenario. Why else do you think I founded a school for all the most powerful unicorns in Equestria? Working together, those ponies would be capable of moving the sun and moon, not to mention defeat an evil alicorn.”

Twilight was more than a little shocked at this revelation, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. After all, she had only ever seen her teacher surprised and unprepared once in her life.

“I think I know what to ask.” The solar princess lowered her head to speak into the gramophone horn atop the 'What If' machine. “I love my little ponies, and I'm proud to be their leader, but sometimes I wonder: What if I wasn't a princess?”

Celestia returned to her seat beside Twilight as the machine whirred to life. A flickering light escaped from the lens, and the ponies and Spike watched as images came to life on the film screen.

Party Like It's 799

Celestia was tired. Not tired of body, but tired of mind. For a thousand years she was the sole ruler of Equestra, and before that she ruled jointly with her sister for countless generations. She loved her little ponies, but being a leader was sometimes difficult to bear. She had no privacy, her days were commanded by a strict schedule, ponies expected her to fix even the littlest problems, and she had to deal with a gaggle of self important nobles. But the worst part was the paperwork: budgets and policies, treaties and trade agreements, laws that needed to be passed or vetoed, and endless requests for a 'moment of her time.' Yes, it was hard, but it was her duty and she'd perform it. She would remain princess, until her ponies asked her to step down, or somepony more worthy to rule appeared.

Somepony appeared. With a flash of light and a distinct crack, Twilight Sparkle materialized before Celestia in the middle of the throne room. She was disheveled and out of breath, her mane and pelt were singed by the teleportation spell. Collapsing at the foot of the dais Twilight spoke between gasps, “Princess!... Trouble... Everfree Forest... magical anomaly... ambient magic draining... research... staff of Star Swirl... if in wrong hooves... bad stuff!”

Despite her broken sentences, Celestia understood what Twilight was talking about. It seems the mare observed a strange magical anomaly present in the Everfree Forest. Something was draining the ambient magic that naturally occurs throughout Equestria. Ever studious, Twilight researched what could be causing this phenomenon, and came across the story of the Staff of Stare Swirl the Bearded. Though assumed lost, the Staff had the ability to siphon surrounding magical energy into its unicorn bearer, thereby granting them nearly inexhaustible power. Twilight was right, in the wrong hooves the Staff could cause some very bad stuff.

All this information cycled through Celestia's mind in a second, but right now there was something more important at hoof. The solar mare leapt from her throne to her student's side. Using her magic, she quickly snuffed out the smaller pony's smoldering mane, then scanned her for any injuries. The purple scholar appeared to be fine, she was just suffering from magical exhaustion. Upon seeing this an impossible thought crossed the princess' mind. “Twilight, did you teleport here all the way from Ponyville?”

The unicorn simply nodded and said. “Couldn't find Spike to send a letter.”

Despite the the dangerous situation, Celestia couldn't help but swell with pride at her student's accomplishment. The sun princess had been confident that her pupil would someday be able to teleport such a long distance, but she had expected it to take years. Twilight was something special.

Gently lifting the purple pony onto her back, Celestia sent a mental message to her sister Luna, telling her to come at once to the throne room. If the Staff of Star Swirl had reemerged, it would take the Elements of Harmony and the celestial sisters to stop it. As she walked towards the door, a wisp of starry smoke appeared and coalesced into princess Luna. The sisters nodded to eachother, that seeming to be all that was needed to fill the lunar mare in on the details.

Ready to depart, the sisters and a now sleeping Twilight moved to exit the castle. But before they could take their first steps, the throne room doors blew off their hinges in a clash of light and sound. Blue smoke blocked their vision until the silhouette of a pony came into view. All at once the smoke vanished, and standing in the princesses' path was a blue unicorn in a hat and cape, held in her magical grasp was a simple wooden pole. The mare spoke, “Bow before me! For I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

The royal sisters stood stunned. They had prepared for the worst, but not this bad. Celestia was the first to recover, shielding Twilight with her wings, she asked, “Why have you come here, uninvited and unannounced, wielding a dangerous artifact capable of spreading destruction and woe?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Trixie answered with something crossed between a smile and a sneer. “I've come to take my rightful place as ruler of Equestria.”

Luna spoke now, “Fool! Thou art no leader of ponies, thou art but a conjurer of tricks. What makes you think you are qualified to rule?”

“I'll show you.” Trixie's horn glowed bright, and the Staff matched it. Celestia and Luna could feel the control of the sun and moon forced from their grasp. Outside they saw the world darken and grow light again. Trixie single hoofedly moved the celestial orbs without the slightest effort. “As you can see, Trixie is now the most powerful pony alive. Trixie has taken the sun and moon, and she intends to take over the rule of Equestria. Do not worry, Trixie will be a wise and just leader.”

Celestia couldn't tell which was more disorienting, losing her grip on the sun, or the mare in front of her slipping into the third person. Finally she spoke, “You want to be the new princess?”

“Trixie prefers the title queen.”

“You will take responsibility for the day and night, and will govern all the ponies?”

“That is Trixie's intention.”

Celestia and Luna looked at eachother, then back at the mare in front of them. Silently their decision was made. The sisters leaned back on their haunches, raising their forelegs in the air, together they let out a wild, “WOOHOOO!”

“We're free!”

“Huzza!”

“We don't have to take care of the kingdom anymore!”

“No more thankless work!”

“No more paperwork!”

“No more nobles!”

“Woo! So long sucker!”

The ex-royal pony sisters half danced, half galloped out the door, the unconscious Twilight still on Celestia's back. Trixie stood in silence, that had gone better than expected. The new Queen of Equestria ascended to her throne, taking a seat on the golden chair. This was going to be good. She was just about to call for a servant when one appeared next to her.

“Servant, your queen requires refreshment, bring Trixie some nourishment.”

“Yes your majesty. But first you must attend your meeting with the Cloudsdale Weather Commission concerning this years budget. Then there is a group of nobles who wish to discuss a tax break on polo mallets. After that you are scheduled to meet with the head of parliament to discuss the proposed changes to export regulations. When you have finished with that...”

--=(O)=--

Twilight awoke with a pounding headache. She couldn't remember what happened last night, but she felt sick and exhausted. Assuming she must be hungover, the purple scholar checked to make sure none of her friends had wound up in bed with her. Seeing that she was alone in her room the mare only felt a little disappointed.

Once out of bed, Twilight decided the first thing to be done was get rid of this headache. As she moved across the room, it felt like the whole house was throbbing. It was only when a guitar started to accompany the beat that the unicorn realizes the house was throbbing. There was a party in her own home, and she wasn't invited!

While heading to the door to yell at her uninvited guests, the memories of yesterday came crashing back: the magical anomaly, the Staff of Star Swirl, teleporting to the castle. But what didn't register was why there was a party going on. Did they win? There was only one way to find out.

The main room of the library was filled with ponies. All the furniture had been moved off to the side and someone had set up a DJ table, blasting music at the pain threshold. The walls were lined with kegs of cider and oat beer, and several bookshelves now held an assortment of wines, meads, and hard liquors. Ponies were dancing or having shouted conversations, but one pony in particular caught Twilight's eye.

“Hey! Hey Pinkie Pie!” Celestia yelled to the poofy mare next to her. “Hey, check this out!”

The former regent of the sun lifted an entire cider keg over her head, and proceeded to pour its contents down her throat.

“Wooo!” Shouted Pinkie, waving her hooves in the air. “Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!”

After finishing it off, Celestia pushed the wooden barrel against her forehead, crushing it into splinters. She rose her forehooves and let out a mighty “Yeah!”

“Yeah!!” A muscular white pegasus with impossibly small wings responded.

“YEAH!”

“YEAH!!!”

“YEAH!!” The solar mare gave off one more cry before socking the pegasus across the jaw with her hoof. The buff pony would remain unconscious in the reference section for the duration of the party.

In a comparatively quiet corner of the room sat Luna and Fluttershy. “Oh my. Is she alright?”

“I believe she will be fine, dear Fluttershy. My sister has just not had an opportunity to 'let off some steam' for several centuries.” The dark alicorn answered.

“WE'RE GONNA PARTY LIKE IT'S 799!” The two mares turned to see Celestia throw an empty tankard across the room and put a random pony in a headlock.

“Although it seems she it trying to release millennia of tension in one night.”

“Should we do something?” Asked a concerned Fluttershy, though she had no idea what could be done to stop a party mad deity.

“No, I thing we should let her have her 'fun.' She will tire herself out eventually.”

“Um, okay. If you say so.”

“In fact, I think my sister has quite the right idea in embracing our new status to the fullest.” Luna said as a smirk crossed her lips. “So Fluttershy, dost thou want to 'make out?'”

The timid mare didn't have a chance to answer before a pair of god-lips pressed against her own. When the two parted, Fluttershy only had time to let out a Meep! before being dragged off to another room by the moon mare.

Twilight Sparkle was flabbergasted, she had never seen her mentor act this way. She ran down the stairs towards Celestia, intent on finding out what was going on. She shouted, “Princess!”

Celestia turned with a smile. “Twilight! Come here you!”

The sun pony caught Twilight up in a rib crushing hug. When she let go, the scholar took a gasping breath and asked, “What is going on here?”

“Isn't it great? I haven't had this much fun since before I became a princess! Back when me and Luna would wandered around the world in the guise of wizards or warriors, helping pony societies in need.” Celestia answered, a look of nostalgia crossing her face. “I haven't partied like this since I was a champion of Charlemane's court!”

“But why is there a party? Did somepony really find the Staff of Star Swirl? Is everything okay? Was there an epic pony battle that I slept through?”

“Yeah, somepony found the Staff. She wanted to be the new ruler of Equestria, so me and Luna handed over our titles.”

“YOU WHAT?!” Twilight's outburst was loud enough to get everyone's attention. Using her magic she blasted the DJ table and forcibly pushed all the guest out the door. “HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?”

Celestia looked a little sheepish, she wasn't used to being scolded. “Well, she could move the sun and moon on her own, that was the main reason Luna and I were given the job in the first place. And, she wanted the job and said she'd do it responsibly. Anypony who really wants to lead a country would know about all the work it takes before signing on.”

--=(O)=--

In Canterlot castle, Trixie sat upon her throne of gold.

“...After you have finished meeting with the griffon ambassador, you will have ten minutes for a light supper before raising the moon. Then the daily reports require your attention, which should take you to about 3:00 AM, giving you time for a full two hours of sleep. When you awake...

--=(O)=--

“Princess Celestia, that's completely irresponsible of you!” Twilight admonished.

“Technically, it's just Celestia now.”

A hard glare was the only response Twilight gave.

“I think you're worrying too much about this.” Celestia said while pulling a couch over and lying down. “After all, what's the worst that could happen?”

--=(O)=--

“That is enough!” Trixie screamed, pounding the Staff of Star Swirl on the ground. “Trixie wants everyone out! This is Trixie's castle, and nopony else is allowed!”

Using her increased power, the show mare teleported the entire population of the castle outside its gates. She then erected a shield spell to prevent any responsibility from sneaking back inside.

--=(O)=--

Twilight's eye twitched. “I am going to go out for a while. Where are you staying?”

“Well, I was hoping I could stay here.” Celestia gave here best pout and puppy-dog eyes.

Twilight ground her teeth. “Fine. Just clean this mess up, and think about what you've done.”

The unicorn left her home, slamming the door behind her. Any straggling ponies hoping the party would start up again took one look at the mare and bolted. Twilight needed to clear her head and think. Maybe Celestia was right, maybe everything really would work out. The pony passed a news stand, looking at the paper she chastised herself for being optimistic.

Twilight burst back into the library, and was amazed to see that it was clean. She had no idea where the detritus of the rave had gone, and right now she didn't care. Celestia was still lounging on the couch, when the purple mare shoved the paper in her face. “Does this look like 'responsible' to you?”

“New Queen Locks Herself In Castle, Ponies Concerned.” Celestia read the headline aloud. “Don't worry Twilight, there's a contingency plan for something like this.”

Twilight just stared.

“If the ruler of Equestria is unable to perform her duties, a counsel of senior representatives is chosen to act as the executive branch of the government. They work with parliament just like I would, to ensure things still run smoothly.”

“Princess, that's insane!” Twilight cried. “You know perfectly well that the majority of the pony population is either stupid or completely clueless! Parliament can't make a single decision on their own, and now you're balancing them out with another group of old ponies with no concept of reality?”

“Despite its accuracy, that's still not a very nice thing to say Twilight.” Celestia chided.

“I don't give a flying feather about 'nice,' I'm trying to save Equestria from collapsing!”

“It's only been one day, I'm sure the queen will come around.”

“Ugh!” Twilight left the room containing her overly comfortable teacher. Kicking open a door she shouted. “Spike, I need you to-”

Inside the room she entered was an embarrassed Princess Luna holding a disheveled, though not unhappy, Fluttershy. Twilight backed out and slowly closed the door with her magic. Moving to another room, Twilight cracked the door to peek in. There was Spike, recovering from the party. The magic mare burst inside and shouted. “Spike, we're going to Canterlot. Get me my coppies of 'How to Stage a Coup' and '101 Ways to Maim a Unicorn.'”

--=(O)=--

The train ride to Canterlot was uneventful. Upon reaching the castle there were a few ponies who looked lost and confused, like they were waiting for someone to tell them what to do. Twilight ignored them and proceeded to the magical barrier. After casting a quick spell on herself, the mare walked through the shield and inside the keep.

Entering the throne room (because 'How to Stage a Coup' said that the final standoff always happens in the throne room), Twilight encountered a blue pony sitting on the golden seat.

“Twilight Sparkle, we meet again.” The pony said, lifting up the Staff.

“I'm sorry, have we met?” Twilight asked.

“Don't play coy with me. I am the Great and Powerful Trixie! And you are my arch nemesis!”

“Trixie, Trixie...” Twilight said, tapping her chin in thought. “Where have I heard that name before? Oh! I remember! You were that show mare who came to Ponyville a couple years ago, right? When the Ursa Minor attacked?”

“Fool! You humiliated Trixie, and drove her out of town! It was then that I swore that I would have my revenge. I would become the most powerful unicorn ever, and destroy you like you destroyed Trixie's reputation.”

“Gee, I'm sorry you feel that way. I didn't mean to show you up or anything.” Apologized Twilight.

“Your words mean nothing to Trixie!”

“Well, I'm sorry for making you feel bad. But I'm still gonna kick your butt.” Twilight crouched down and set her horn alight.

“Ha ha ha! You cannot defeat me, I hold the Staff of Star Swirl.” Trixie said as she levitated off the dais.

“Did you just say, 'Ha ha ha' instead of actually laughing”

“I am Queen Trixie, I can do whatever I like!”

Trixie set up a shield around herself, then fired a blast of magic at Twilight. Ducking, the purple unicorn avoided having her face turned into a poinsettia. The mad queen shot wave after wave of magic at her opponent, but missed every time.

At a pause in the attack, Twilight made her move and charged forward, horn glowing. Trixie smirked at the easy target, when suddenly Twilight disappeared, only to reappear behind her. Before she could fully turn around, Twilight's rear legs bucked out, meeting Trixie's side. The pretender queen was thrown back in pain. Twilight smiled and said, “Honorary member of the Apple Family.”

“How?” Trixie moaned.

“You only cast a shield against magical attacks, not physical ones. Stupid.”

“You will pay for this!” Trixie struggled to her hooves and aimed her horn at Twilight. A display of illusory fireworks was all that the monarch summoned. “What? What's happening?”

“Missing something?” Twilight held up the Staff of Star Swirl with her magic. As she was kicked across the room, Trixie had lost her grip on the precious artifact.

“Give that to Trixie!” The blue mare screamed.

“No.” Twilight answered, using the Staff to hit Trixie over the head.

“Ow!” The show mare rubbed her forehead before the Staff came down for another strike. “Stop that!”

Trixie turned to run, but the Staff kept pace with her, smacking her on the rump. Before she could leave the castle, Twilight cast a freeze spell on her, they could deal with her once order was restored.

The exhausted Twilight sat down on the only seat in the room, the golden throne of the princess. The unicorn looked at the artifact in her grasp, realizing she held nigh infinite power. Then she remembered something Celestia had told her long ago: With great power comes great responsibility. At least she thought it was Celestia who said it, it may have been from a book. Looking at the Staff once more, Twilight Sparkle: Student of Celestia, Element of Magic, Savior of Equestria, and Most Powerful Unicorn to Ever Live, broke the Staff of Star Swirl in two. Things like that were better left lost to time.

"So, did Twilight defeat the tyrant Trixie. And having no further concern, she reread a Daring Do novel, and ate some doughnuts. Tales of Twilight's victory spread far and wide across Equestria. Honor and fear were heaped upon her name and, in time, she became a princess by her own hoof... And this story shall also be told.”

“Spike, cut that out!” Twilight shouted at her assistant. “I'll reorganize Celestia's schedules, and she can outsource some of her paperwork to me, but there's no way in Tartarus I'm gonna be a princess. Now take a letter:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Get off your lazy, sexy ass, and start running the country again.

Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle”

The 'What If' machine fell silent as the images on the screen faded. Everyone in the room turned to look at Celestia, who wore a slight blush.

“Well, I hope my behavior in that scenario was at least a bit exaggerated, but it has been difficult being Princess all these years.” Celestia said, smiling to herself.

“That was weird. But you're welcome to come to any Pinkie Pie Party.” Said Twilight. Then thinking it over for a moment. “As long as you don't party too hard.”

“Yeah! You Princesses should totally come to more of my parties!” Pinkie Pie shouted, peeking in through a window.

“Pinkie?! I thought I told you to leave!” Cried Twilight.

“I did. I snuck into Rainbow Dash's house, but I got bored. So, I put her hoof in a glass of warm water as a prank, then came back here.”

Twilight sighed and closed the window on her friend.

“I am confused.” Said Princess Luna. “Why would moistening a pegasus' hooves be considered a source of merriment?”

Princess Luna: Vampony Hunter

“Alright Luna, you can ask a question now.” Twilight was still tired, and wanted this to be over as soon as possible. She knew she should have scrapped that wretched machine the first time she used it.

“Thank you Twilight Sparkle. I shall make my query with ardor.” The younger princess said, trotting over to the speaking horn. “I have made several friends since my return who enjoy the night, but even they sleep during most of the dark hours. So I am still curious: What if I met more ponies who are awake at night?”

Princess Luna: Vampony Hunter

It was a fine night. The pegasus ponies had cleared the skies, making the stars visible. The unmarred moon was at its height. The summer air was warm against Luna's pelt as she stood upon the balcony outside her room. She spread her wings and took flight, eager to explore this new Equestria further.

Luna was used to being alone during her nights, but since her return she had noticed more ponies awake in the late hours. It was likely do to cheaper sources of artificial light, and the better control of the dangerous creatures that once lurked in the shadows.

Lights were scattered across the matte surface below her, like a reflection of the stars above. She loved the stars, they reminded the celestial sisters of their youth. Lost in her memories of times long ago, Luna almost missed the three ponies leaning against a fence in the field below her. Almost.

Celestia had been urging her sister to meet new ponies, and this seemed a perfect opportunity. Luna landed and addressed the ponies before her, remembering the voice lessons she'd received from dear Lady Fluttershy, “Greetings subjects! It is I, Princess Luna, keeper of the Moon, and diarch of Equestria.”

Now that she was on the ground, Luna got a better view of the ponies. She knew fashions had changed since her absence, but these were some of the strangest looking ponies she had ever seen. The were young, perhaps a few years the junior of the Elements of Harmony. There was a filly (a unicorn) and two colts (an earth pony and pegasus), at least she assumed they were colts, despite the fact that they wore more makeup than an Appleloosan whore. Each of them wore a long black coat, even though it was quite warm, and bulky silver-grey jewelry. While she was inspecting them, the three ponies managed to recover from the sudden appearance of royalty.

“Duuude. It's really her.” The pegasus colt said. All three knelt in a deep bow. “We are yours to command, oh Mistress of the Night.”

Luna ruffled her wings. She had never been addressed like this before, not to say that she didn't like it. “Arise my little ponies, it honors me to see you enjoying my night.”

“We are creatures of your night, oh Mistress.” The unicorn said. “We shun the day and its burning sun, and those who worship it.”

These ponies were acting very strange, but maybe it was just some new cultural aspect that Luna hadn't come across before. She wondered if it would be rude to ask about it, but decided the best way to make new friends was to find out as much about them as possible. “You are unlike ponies I have met before. Tell me, what makes you treat the night and day so differently?”

“That's simple, Mistress.” Said the earth pony, “We're vampires.”

The moon sister's ageless heart stopped. Her voice shaking, she asked, “What did you say?”

“We're vampires.” To demonstrate the three ponies smiled, baring unnatural fangs.

“No.” Luna whispered.

This couldn't be possible, surely they had all been destroyed, her sister would not have allowed them to exist. Painful memories leaped across her mind, the time of her madness and rage. Long was Nightmare Moon in the preparation of her coup. She created an army, one that would draw strength from the darkness, one that knew no fear, one that was utterly loyal to her. With dark magic she crafted them, dark spirits encased in corpses. She made them all: ghouls, eohwolves and vampires. Then the war came, she and her army were overthrown. She assumed that they had all been wiped out. But here they were, calling her mistress and besmirching her night. Well no more, she made them, and she would unmake them!

“HALT, VILE CREATURES!” The Royal Canterlot Voice seemed appropriate for this situation, it was the voice she used to command them after all. “THOU SHALT NOT BEFOUL EQUESTRIA WITH YOUR EXISTENCE ANY LONGER!”

The ponies before her were terrified. It had been cool to meet the moon princess, but now they had no clue what she was talking about. They slunk down and slowly backed away.

“YOU WILL NOT ESCAPE ME, SPAWN OF MY SIN!” A beam of silver light appeared above Luna's horn, sickle shaped, like the waning moon. The pegasus bolted, but the blade of light sliced through the air, and his head fell to the ground. The other two ponies screamed. The earth pony tried to run, but the princess tore a fencepost from the soil and impaled the colt, pinning him to the ground.

“THERE THOU SHALT STAY 'TIL I CAN REMOVE THINE HEAD.” Luna now turned her attention to the unicorn mare groveling at her hooves.

“Why are you doing this?” She asked.

“YOU ARE VAMPIRES. THE WRETCHED CREATIONS OF NIGHTMARE MOON! I OWE IT TO MY PONIES TO HUNT DOWN AND DESTROY THE MISTAKES OF MY PAST.”

“We're not really vampires!” The filly wailed.

“I WILL NOT FALL FOR YOUR GUILE.”

“We're not! We just pretend to be! We dress up like this to be cool, look.” She brought her hooves to her mouth, then lifted them for Luna to see. Lying there were two fangs, an inspection of the unicorns mouth revealed nothing but two rows of perfectly normal teeth.

“Oh dear.” Luna said, looking at the two dead ponies, then back at the unicorn. “Oh dear. This isn't good.”

The unicorn looked up at her, and Luna looked back. She had to figure out what to do. She looked at the bodies, then the mare, then back at the bodies. This was going to be a long night.

--=(O)=--

The palace was silent. All the hallways were deserted and the rooms were dark. Celestia loved this time of night, it was the only time she had any semblance of privacy. Following her usual nightly schedule, the solar princess was in her study reviewing paperwork. Luna's return did take some of the workload off her shoulders, but there was still plenty to go around. It was true that she could now sleep through the entire night, but a thousand year old habit is hard to break. While going over a particularly dull budget plan she heard the sound of hooves passing by her door. Luna was home from her flight early.

Celestia silently left her room so she could chat with her sister. “You're back early Luna.”

The lunar mare froze, with a nervous voice she responded. “Y-yes, I um, tired myself out.”

As she peered through the dark hallway, Celestia could see that her sister was filthy. She was covered from head to hoof in mud, and she carried a dirty shovel in her magical grip. “My goodness Luna! What have you been up to?”

“Digging... Uh um, gardening.” The dark mare seemed rather skittish tonight. “I've been gardening.”

“Well, that's nice I suppose. You seem to have gotten a bit dirty though.” Celestia said, looking at the trail of muddy hoofprints leading up the hallway.

“They were big plants.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow, she could tell her sister was hiding something. “Is anything the matter Lulu? You seem preoccupied.”

“I am fine, just tired from... gardening.” Luna knew that look, it was the I-know-you're-not-telling-me-something-and-that's-okay-but-I-wish-you'd-open-up-to-me-because-I-love-you-and-will-help-you-through-any-problem-you-have look. “I think I will take a bath and lie down. Good night sister.”

“Good night Lulu.” Celestia watched her sister attempt not to rush down the hall. She let out a sigh and returned to her study. Something was bothering her sister, but the solar mare knew that pressuring her to talk wouldn't help. She'd let Luna wash up and rest, then bring it up at breakfast. After all, how bad could it be? It certainly couldn't be worse than that incident at the zoo.

The images on the screen flickered to a stop. Luna blinked a few times before saying, “What atrocity was that?”

As if Twilight needed more proof that using this machine was a bad idea, here it was. The unicorn tried to comfort the moon princess. “Don't worry, it's just a hypothetical scenario, it doesn't mean you'd really do something like that! Maybe the machine only shows the worst-case scenario. I knew this was a bad idea, maybe we should call it a night. I'll just bring this thing down to the incinerator.”

Twilight's magical aura surrounded the machine before Luna looked up, as if coming out of thought. “Nay, Twilight Sparkle. I was not shocked by my behavior, but by these ponies who parade around as vile ghouls.”

She knew it was too good to be true. Twilight dropped the device back in place and returned to her seat. Luna spoke again, “Sister, do ponies really perform such an awful masquerade?”

“It's true. It has become quite popular in fact, especially among the younger generations.” Celestia explained.

“But why would anypony want to associate themselves with a creature bread of evil, whose only function was to cause sickness and death?”

“You have to remember Luna, things change over time. History becomes legend, legend becomes myth, and myth becomes story. And stories change with each telling. Eventually, the villain becomes more desirable than the hero, and what was once a possessed corpse becomes a charismatic character.”

“You did destroyed them all though, right? All the real ones.” Luna's eyes were almost pleading as she looked at her sister.

Seeing her sibling's troubles Celestia's voice became strong and reassuring. “Yes, they're all gone. I lead the attacks on their bases personally. There hasn't been a confirmed case of vampirism in almost nine hundred years.”

Luna was relieved. She had not thought about her dark side's creations since her return, but knowing that they were gone lifted a weight she had not known she'd been carrying. She could now move through the night with the confidence of knowing that there was nothing out there more terrifying than herself.

=======================================================

Disclaimer:

Luna hasn't killed anypony, and probably wouldn't have acted so hastily if faced with this scenario in "real life." The What If machine was likely just picking up on her intense desire to protect her subjects and amend her crimes.

SWAG

“Well, there you have it.” Said Twilight, “That's the 'what if' machine. I'm sure this experience has brought us all closer together, and taught us a valuable lesson on friendship. But I'm tired and would like to go to bed, so I'll figure out what that lesson is in the morning.”

The royal sisters exchanged a glance before Spike tentatively spoke up, “Twilight?”

“Whaaaatt?” The purple scholar whined.

Spike wrung his tail in his hands nervously before saying, “I was wondering if I could have a turn?”

“No.” Was Twilight's terse response.

The princesses looked at the purple mare in surprise.

“That seems rather unfair.” Celestia said.

“Indeed, why should young Spike not be allowed a turn?” Luna added.

Twilight sighed (she'd been doing a lot of that lately) and said, “It's because Spike has already used the machine about a dozen times already, and each time he's asked the same question: 'What if Rarity and I dated,' and the machine always shows the same exact story.”

Spike blushed redder than a tomato and attempted to will himself invisible. Celestia gave an understanding nod and said, “The events didn't turn out well I take it?”

“Well, yes and no.” Twilight answered. “It didn't exactly have a bad ending, it was more bittersweet. It would actually make a pretty good story if someone were to write it down, but after seeing it twelve times it starts to lose its charm.”

“Well, what if I promise to ask a different question,” Spike put in, “could I have a turn then?”

“That seems fair.” Celestia said.

“Verily.” Luna agreed.

The three looked at Twilight expectantly. She was outnumbered, and she was pretty sure the diarchs of the kingdom outweighed any veto power she had. Thoroughly defeated, the unicorn slunk down further into her bed and said, “Fine.”

With a grin Spike walked up to the speaking horn of the machine to ask his question. Thinking for a moment he turned back to Twilight and said, “Remember when you were working on that growth spell, and you let me keep that mustache for a few days?”

“Yeah?” The mare answered.

“And remember how it didn't impress Rarity, so I asked you to give me a beard as well?”

“Yes...”

“And you said no because it's what's on the inside that counts?”

“Oh boy.” Twilight rolled her eyes, she knew where this was going.

“My question is: What if I had a mustache and beard combo?”

The machine whirred to life, and the four sat back to watch the flickering screen.

Swag*

“Save me! Save me! Oh, won't somepony please save me!” Rarity cried, lifting a hoof to her brow.

“Shout all you want,” laughed Asterion, the evil minotaur king, “Nopony can save you now!”

“Well then, it's a good thing I'm nopony.” Came a voice from the chamber's doorway. Asterion looked up in shock, while Rarity's eyes filled with hope and adoration.

“Spike!” The unicorn cried, “Oh, I just knew you'd come!”

“Always, m'lady.” The young dragon replied. Raising the lance he held in his claws, the scaled hero charged. Asterion didn't stand a chance against Spike's strength and dedication, with a mighty blow to the face, the minotaur was sent flying across the room and out the tower window.

His enemy vanquished, Spike turned to his beloved unicorn. Rarity had swooned, and lay sprawled across the floor. Her dress was in tatters, the waist had been torn away, leaving two frayed pieces to cover her chest and haunches. The unicorn opened her eyes and smiled at her savior. Despite the trauma she had been through, her coat was its usual immaculate white, and not a hair was out of place on her beautiful mane.

“Spike.” The pony whispered, leaning up to the dragon.

“Yes, my darling?” He answered, leaning down.

“Spike.” She said again, this time louder and more urgent.

“Yes?” He asked again. They drew closer, their lips parting.

“SPIKE!”

The dragon jerked back in surprise, then his eyes widened in horror. His beautiful unicorn was undergoing a terrible transformation. Her pure white coat darkened to a shade of purple. Her curled indigo mane grew darker as well, straightening in the process. Before he knew it, his beloved Rarity had morphed into his adoptive sister, looking at him with hungry eyes.

“Spike! I need you!” Twilight shouted.

--=(O)=--

Spike jerked awake with a yell, clutching his scaly chest as his heart pounded in terror. Of all the nightmares he'd ever had, almost kissing his sister was by far the worst. The dream had started off so great too, what could have made it change so drastically?

“Finally! Come on Spike, get up. I need your help.”

Well, that answered that question.

Spike glared at his employer, having quickly repressed the imagery of his dream. “Geez Twilight, did you really have to wake me up so early?”

“It's noon, and yes I did.” Answered the unicorn. “I need you to help me test a spell.”

Spike rolled his eyes, but quickly climbed out of his basket anyway. A guy doesn't become a number one assistant by sleeping on the job. Besides, testing new spells was interesting sometimes (the half-orange, half-animal hybrids still scurrying around Ponyville were proof of that).

“Okay, what spell are we testing?” Spike asked, following the unicorn as she left the room.

“Number 25.” Twilight answered promptly.

Spike paused, “The mustache spell? I thought you already mastered that one.”

Twilight rolled her eyes as she continued downstairs. “First of all, it's a growth spell. Secondly, yes I did master it, but it requires a lot of raw energy to perform. I want to refine the spell so that any unicorn can use it, not just unicorns with high magical potential.”

“Yeah, that's great and all,” Spike said slowly, “but why bother? Don't get me wrong, the spell's great, but who really needs to perform it? I mean, having a mustache any time you want one is cool, but is growing one at will really that important?”

Having reached the main floor of the library, Twilight let out a sigh, “Spike, I keep telling you, it's not a 'mustache' spell, it's a growth spell. It can cause just about anything organic to grow, facial hair is just the most easily observed effect, which is why I use it as the test factor. The reason I want to improve it and make it available to everypony is because of the almost limitless medical benefits. Think of it: by stimulating cellular growth you could heal wounds, knit bones, and regrow damaged tissue. With enough study it might be possible to grow entire organs from scratch! That is why it's important that I continue research on this spell.”

“All right, all right, you made your point.” Spike said. “You could have told me all that from the beginning though.”

“I did.” Twilight said with a glare.

“Oh.” Spikes cheeks brightened slightly and he brushed the floor with his foot, eager to change the subject he said, “Well, I'm ready, so let's test this thing!”

The unicorn brightened, “That's what I like to hear!”

“Oh! But one thing before we start.”

“Yes Spike?”

“Could you give me a mustache and a beard this time?”

Twilight smiled and rolled her eyes, “Sure Spike, anything for you.”

--=(O)=--

The tests lasted for about an hour. After that time Twilight said she had enough data to draw up a new thaumic algorithm. Or something like that. Spike wasn't really paying attention, he was to enraptured by his new facial hair. The little dragon now sported a full mustache that warped down his lips to meet a neat, trim goatee.

Looking at himself in the mirror, the baby dragon knew he had to share his newly acquired beauty with the world, and there was one mare in particular her wanted to share it with. In his heart Spike knew this was it. This was the turning point in his relationship with Rarity. With this beard, the pony of his dreams would no longer see him as little 'Spikey-wikey,' but as the tough, rugged drake he really was.

Shouting to Twilight that he was going out, Spike sprinted through the door and into Ponyville. The change in attitude toward him was immediate. Mares and stallions stopped what they were doing and stared at the little dragon. Three Bon Bons swooned outright, and two Carrot Tops galloped to the nearest jewelers when his gaze fell upon them.

As he walked through the market Spike was met with waves and complements. Everywhere he turned somepony was offering him a treat, or an invitation to dinner. But the bearded dragon ignored all of this, his only destination in mind was Carousel Boutique, and the mare who called it home. He had almost reached his goal when a technicolor blur hit him in the chest.

Groaning and clutching his pounding head, Sipke sat up with the help of the blue hoof that was offered to him. As his blurred vision cleared, the dragon saw that the hoof was attached to a bashful looking Rainbow Dash.

“Sorry about that Spike.” The pegasus chuckled in embarrassment. “I guess I came in a little to hot.”

Looking straight at the dragon for the first time, Rainbow jumped in the air with surprise and excitement. “Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh! Where'd you get that awesome beard?”

“Huh, wuh?” Was Spikes response, still a little shell-shocked.

“Is that real?” Dash tugged on the facial hair in question. “Oh my gosh it is! How did you even grow that?”

“Twilight gave it to me.” Spike answered, starting to come back to his senses. “She used her magic to-”

“Twilight can make beards grow with magic?!” Rainbow interrupted.

“Yeah, she-”

“OhmygoshOhmygoshOhmygosh!” The rainbowed pegasus sped off, leaving the confused and slightly concussed dragon behind. Spike stood up and shrugged it off, he knew how crazy ponies could act sometimes.

Spike managed to make it to his destination without any further distractions. He knocked on the door of Carousel Boutique and craned his neck upward so he could fully gaze upon the beauty of the magnificent Rarity. The door opened, and the dragons sight was graced with empty air. Something wasn't right about this picture. He lowered his head and saw a young unicorn filly staring at him with a quirked eyebrow.

“Spike?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Oh, hey.” His mood dropped. His plans hadn't prepared him for the advent of little sisters. Actually, his plans hadn't prepared him for much of anything, since they only consisted of him visiting Rarity, and her falling in love with him and his beard. Left with no other options, he decided to improvise. “Uh, is Rarity home?”

“Nope. She went to the library a few minutes ago.” The filly answered. “Why do you have a beard? Are you practicing for Nightmare Night or something?”

“No. It's my new look.” Spike answered. “You like it?”

“Not really.” Sweetie Belle said. “It's kinda dumb.”

“Aww, what do you know.” Spike waved a hand dismissively. He turned around and winked at a passing mare and stallion, both of whom fainted in lovestruck awe. Smirking at the filly's flummoxed expression, he began his march back to the library.

--=(O)=--

Sauntering through the crowd that now surrounded him, Spike returned home to confront his crush. Opening the door the dragon's gaze fell upon Rarity, she was lounging on a cushion in the middle of the room, her eyes filled with adoration and desire. Unfortunately, she was not looking at him. Sitting beside her, and surrounded by the rest of her pony friends, was Rainbow Dash, sporting an impressive multicolored beard.

Spike's jaw hit the floor. Dash wore a confident smirk, holding her head up high. On her right sat Fluttershy, gently stroking her new facial hair as if it were a baby bunny. Pinkie Pie had an enormous grin on her face as she nuzzled up to the flyer's shoulder. Applejack's cheeks were blazing red as she leaned against Rainbow's other side. Behind them was Twilight, a smile on her lips, but her eyes were glazed over as though she were trying to figure out why she was experiencing these new feelings all of a sudden. And there at her left was Rarity, she snaked her hoof around the pegasus' forelimb and snuggled in closer.

This was all too much for Spike. Recovering from the initial shock, he did the only thing that seemed appropriate at the time, he lifted his arms up and screamed, “FFFFFUUUUU--!”

--=(O)=--

In a corner of Ponyville's library sat a smooth-faced baby dragon with a bar of soap sticking out of his mouth.** After Spikes outburst, Twilight recovered enough of her wits to reconsider the wisdom of giving her friends facial hair. After four embarrassed mares and one disappointed Rainbow Dash left the building, Twilight sat down to write an important footnote to the growth spell.

As the machine flickered to a stop Celestia tried to stifled a giggle with her hoof. Luna made no such attempt and guffawed loudly. Not even Twilight could help but chuckle at her assistant while the little dragon groaned and tried to bury himself under his pillow.

“Well, I think the lesson here is to always be yourself. Right Spike?” Twilight said in her best lecturer voice.

“No. The lesson here is that Rainbow Dash is gonna steal your mare.”

* S.W.A.G.- Spike With Awesome Goatee.

** Twilight wasn't going to wash Spikes mouth out with soap, but Pinkie Pie insisted. She is very adamant about not taking the name of fudge in vain.

The End? - Yes

Twilight Sparkle slowly walked up the stairs to her bedroom, Spike clinging to her back. After finishing their viewing of the 'what if' machine, the princesses had insisted on taking the 'slumber party' to the main floor. There she sat, awed and disenchanted as her two rulers played board games, built pillow forts, and ate all the food in her icebox; all while giggling like schoolfillies. Finally, after what felt like hours, the two settled down to sleep on the library's largest couches.

The purple scholar yawned deeply as she opened the door to her room. Spike grumbled, “You never let me jump on the furniture.”

“You're not my teacher and/or a princess of Equestria.” Twilight responded as she levitated her assistant to his basket, the baby dragon was snoring before he hit the pillow.

The unicorn was more than eager to join her friend in slumber. She turned to get into her own bed, then stopped in her tracks.

Celestia lounged in Twilight's bed, reading a purple bound notebook floating lazily in front of her. As if noticing the unicorn for the first time, the princess looked up and said, “It's very clever of you to write your diary in the Elder Fetlok runic alphabet. That's an excellent way to keep your secrets from curious eyes.”

Twilight's only response was to stare at her teacher, her mouth nearly reaching the floor.

When it became apparent that no vocalizations were coming, Celestia continued, “Though what's really impressive is that you've written the whole thing in Old Horse. I haven't used that since we studied the sagas of Northern Equestria when you were a filly.”

Recovering from her catatonia enough to panic, Twilight leaped into the air and snatched the book from her mentor's grip. Dashing over to the sleeping Spike, she roughly poked his belly causing a jet of flame to consume her diary. The unicorn let out a sigh of relief as her innermost thoughts vanished in a puff of smoke. She then gasped in terror as the smoke cloud flew straight toward Celestia, and rematerialized into an unscathed notebook.

Cursing dragon fire and magical parchment, Twilight snatched up the book again and stuffed it in her bedside drawer. Celestia watched this whole display with amusement and more than a little regret, both for invading her student's privacy, and for not getting to any of the good parts.

After forcing herself to calm down the little pony managed to ask, “Princess! What are you doing up here? I just saw you and Luna downstairs sleeping.”

The solar mare flashed her student a smile before answering, “To be perfectly honest Twilight, Luna snores like a manticore with a sinus infection. I think it has something to do with her being the hippomorphic personification of the night and all that it relates to. Unfortunately this means I can never fall asleep in the same room as her, so I decided to bunk with you tonight.”

As if to corroborate her story a thunderous roar resonated from the lower part of the library. And it did indeed sound exactly like a manticore with a sinus infection (something Twilight had the misfortune of knowing about after helping Fluttershy at her cottage one day).

Twilight wanted to argue. In fact she wanted to do a lot of things, including but not limited to: screaming, blaspheming, and regicide. But she was just too tired. Yawning once again, the purple unicorn climbed into bed next to her teacher.

“Goodnight Celestia.”

“Goodnight Twilight.”

“Goodnight Twilight! Goodnight Princess!” A voice said from Twilight's other side.

“Pinkie Pie.” Twilight said without opening her eyes, struggling to keep her voice even. “You're in my house again.”

“Yeah.”

“And you're in bed with me and the princess.”

“Uh-Huh.”

“Why?”

“I dunno, it just seemed like something I would do.”

Sensing that her student was about to lose her already strained grasp of sanity, Celestia interrupted. “Pinkie dear?”

“Yeah princess?”

“Luna is sleeping all alone downstairs. Don't you think it would be nice if you went down there to keep her company?”

The earth pony's eyes lit up and a grin stretched across her cheeks. “That's a great idea!”

In a single motion the pink mare was out of bed and hopping through the door. Celestia chuckled at the pony's antics before turning to Twilight to say, “There, I think that solves that problem quite nicely.”

But her comment fell on deaf ears. Twilight was fast asleep, and she'd be damned if anything woke her before 2 p.m.

Author's Note

Well, there you go. That's the end of the story, I hope you enjoyed reading it. I'm not planning on writing another sequel, so if any of you want to continue this story arc, you have my permission to do so.