Twilight Sparkle's Bogus Brain Journey

There was an uncomfortable silence in the dining room as Celestia dropped another lump of sugar into her tea.

“Did we have a pleasant night’s work, Luna?” she asked, stirring her cup gently as she smiled at her sister. In front of her, the Princess of the Night nodded her head.

“Standard. Wrestled with the unfathomable depths of the subconscious mind, assisted in life-changing epiphanies, chased away countless nightmares…” Luna took a sip from her cup. “As I said. Standard.”

“Well that’s good to hear. Really. Wonderful.” Celestia’s face seemed locked onto a rather forced looking smile. She drank some of her tea, paused thoughtfully, and promptly levitated the sugar jar over again. “So, have you heard anything regarding Twi-“

“You need to eat less sugar, Sister.” Interrupted Luna, rather quickly. “I do not wish to appear judgemental, but I believe that you are indulging yourself rather more than you should-“

“Luna, every time I mention Twilight you change the subject. It’s rather embarrassing how nervous you are about it.” Smiled the sun Princesses, taking another sip of her tea. The dark blue alicorn sitting across from her sighed, looking down at the table.

“Once again I am truly sorry for my behaviour.” Said Luna. “I got carried away. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, ponies make mistakes.”

“You literally fucked my prize student’s brains out.”

“That is what I said, ponies make mistakes!” Said Luna, raising her arms up. “And I am very sorry that I did it, and I am very sorry that my efforts to locate said brain have so far proven inadequate. I have spoken to Twilight in her dreams, but even she cannot remember exactly which room we were in when it happened.” Luna huffed in frustration. “I’ve always said this castle is far too big for its own good. Something like this was bound to happen.” Celestia kept on smiling even as a vein started to throb on her forehead. She took a calming sip of tea.

“Luna. I would be most grateful if you could please just find Twilight’s brain sometime in the next few days. We’ve had her body locked in a fridge for days and the cooks are starting to get suspicious.”

“Fear not, sister. I will correct this mistake of mine post haste.” Said Luna. She continued to sit there, drinking tea. After a few moments the alicorn became aware of her sister’s glare. “But after a good sleep, of course. I just finished my shift.” The glaring continued. “Well why don’t you try looking for her?”

“I’m a little busy ruling a kingdom at the moment, in case you weren’t aware.” Said Celestia, draining her cup. “And I’d rather we do this subtly. I don’t want to have to explain to the staff or who knows who what exactly I’m doing and why it’s happened. On account of how incredibly bad that would make my beloved sister look.”

“Hmph” said Luna, standing up from the table. “At least she’s enjoying herself.”

“Pardon?” said Celestia, looking up at her sister with a raised eyebrow. The blue alicorn seemed to notice that she had let something slip.

“Well…you do remember the, er…circumstances in which Twilight’s brain exited her skull.” She said, carefully. It wasn’t that she found the idea of cumming a fellow Princess’s brain out through her ear inherently embarrassing. Luna was not an easily embarrassed pony, after all, and mastering the ancient martial art of Cock Fu was nothing to be ashamed of. But she did respect the fact that Celestia was clearly annoyed with her, so she decided to be as delicate as possible with her wording.

“I do remember, yes.” Said Celestia, evenly. “Why?”

“Well, from what I have learned while talking to your student, it would appear that she is currently resting in a puddle of my semen. Which means,” continued Luna, pressing on before her sister could interject, “that she is…well…”

“Well what? I do not believe she is the type of pony who would normally relish that sort of thing.” Said Celestia, icily.

“I did not mean to imply as such, dear sister. But it would appear that the prolonged exposure has had an effect on her mental state. Her dream last night was very…visually stimulating” managed Luna. “And her conversation was rather focused on aspects of my anatomy.” Anyone that had been lying underneath the table at that moment for whatever reason would have known exactly what Luna had meant by that. All alicorns were gifted with a pair of cock and balls that were unrivaled in size across the whole land.

“I…see.” Said Celestia, thoughtfully. Luna studied her sisters countenance, drinking from her cup. Bizarrely, at least from Luna’s perspective, her sister actually laughed at this news. “So be honest, dear sister…was I in those dreams?”

The spit take that ensued was, on later reflection, entirely Celestia’s fault.

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Day 3
Meanwhile, somewhere in the castle, in one of the countless small rooms that lay within, Princess Twilight Sparkle-Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship-tried her best to focus on whatever it was she felt she was meant to be focusing on. She felt she had been in some sort of danger. Or if not danger, then she was clearly in some sort of unfortunate predicament. That seemed certain. But right now her thoughts kept sliding towards other seemingly unrelated subjects, such as imagining herself burying her face in the plump, musky testicles of one of the royal sisters and cleaning every sweat-covered inch with her tongue. Or getting covered head to toe in their wonderful, life-giving cum, her purple coat hidden under running sheets of white…

No, that didn’t seem like what she should be focusing on right now, did it? She was vaguely aware that right now she was just a brain lying on a floor somewhere. Yes, that was it. She had been disembodied! By Princess Luna, and her massive dick! And it had been at least two days-possibly three-since Twilight had been able to see, or smell or feel that giant cock, which was terrible, and needed to be corrected. Yes, that must be what that feeling of something being fundamentally wrong was. Now if only there was something she could do about that?

Sadly, Twilight found that her options as a disembodied brain were rather limited. Moving was impossible, although she could wiggle a little. She couldn’t see, hear, smell, talk, use magic, or communicate in any way. The only ability that she seemed to retain as a disembodied brain (other than the ability to think, naturally) was the ability to feel. For example, Twilight could on occasion feel a gust of wind coming from the side, leading her to conclude that she was next to a window of some sort.

She was also lying in a sticky wet puddle of what was almost certainly Princess Luna’s seed. The scientist within speculated that her brain’s prolonged contact with fresh alicorn semen was the reason why her thoughts had been so often concerned with matters of a lascivious nature. Or maybe it was just that the thought of being covered in the Princesses’ jizz made her horny as hell, which was quite a feat given that as a brain, she had no genitals. It was clearly a matter that would require further research to reach a satisfying answer. Perhaps she would ask Luna next time she fell asleep.

Ah yes, dream time was now something of a treat for Twilight. After hours and hours of doing literally nothing but thinking, Twilight would drift off to sleep. She would know when she was asleep when her senses would suddenly return again, and she was able to see ,say, the inside of her castle, or the streets of Canterlot, or the great library inside the Royal Palace. While her first dream had been uneventful, and had already passed into whatever oblivion forgotten dreams go to, her second had contained a familiar blue alicorn, who was clearly very embarrassed about asking how Twilight was. While Twilight had not been able to remember the exact room she was in, and offer little in the way of help, it was nice to have talked to someone. And tell them how sexy they were, and how they should both have sex as soon as possible. Luna had left Twilight’s dream shortly after that. She was busy pony, after all, she must have been busy with something-

Twilight felt something bump against her, which would have made her yelp in surprise if that had been possible. Someone must have found her! She wondered who it was. Luna? Celestia? One of her friends? She wiggled in anticipation. Soon she’d be in her body again, safe and sound, free to go back to her castle and say hi to Spike and hopefully possibly fuck her rescuer all night long. To show her gratitude, of course. It was only polite.

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Feather Dust, a middle aged unicorn maid with pale yellow fur and a curly, golden mane, poked the strange lumpen mass with her duster once more. It seemed to twitch at her prompting. Whatever it was, it looked filthy, covered in that disgusting white stuff that smelled like it had been there for days, which it might well have done. The puddle and the mysterious lump in the middle had been lying just underneath an open window, behind a pillar. It was hard to tell exactly what the solid object was, but there was no mistaking what the liquid was. No, Feather had been a royal maid for too long not to know. The smell alone was proof enough.
Honestly, the things she had to put up with as a maid, thought Feather..The princesses were obviously wonderful and she was blessed to be in their presence daily. But that didn’t mean they could leave their discharge lying around in puddles without bothering to clean up afterwards. Feather shuddered as a series of memories flashed through her mind, most of them from that awkward period when Luna had returned from banishment and had not quite cottoned on to the social mores of the modern era. Even now, just getting her into a pair of pants was a small triumph.

The unicorn sighed in frustration, realising that she would have to go and find a mop if she wanted to clean this mess up properly. Before she went to fetch the appropriate equipment, Feather levitated the solid object up off the puddle of cum, holding it at a distance from her face as she tried to determine what it was.. It looked like…well, she wasn’t sure. Kind of like a brain, truth be told. But that was ridiculous. How? Why? Who? No, decided Feather, as she turned it around, scrunching her face up as more cum dripped off of it. Maybe it was some sort of fun new “toy” that was all the rage right now, not that she would know anything about that. Or maybe the Princess had developed a thing for cauliflowers. Whatever it was, Feather was certainly not about to walk through the halls of the palace with it. And she was just about to go on break, anyway. She wondered if there was a quick fix to this.

The grumpy maid looked at the window. It overlooked part of the garden. It would be rather irresponsible of her to simply throw the weird, filthy object out a window…but then again, what was the harm? It would surely just get thrown out anyway, so Feather was just cutting out the middle mare, as it was. It’s not like Princess Luna was going to come and ask her about if she’d seen it, right? Shrugging, Feather launched the sodden lump out of the window, not even bothering to check where it had landed. It was the gardeners problem now as far as she was concerned-they got an easy ride anyway, compared to what the indoor staff had to put up with.

Nodding with satisfaction at having gotten rid of that horrible thing, Feather trotted off to quickly find a mop, already wondering how best to spend her tea break. Meanwhile, outside, something pink and white wiggled as it lay on top of a large heap of compost, wondering what in Equestria had just happened…

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Day 7

On the positive side of things, a few days spent inside a pile of compost, away from the influence of certain bodily fluids, did at least mean that Twilight’s mind was no longer constantly thinking about sex. If she was being charitable, then she could think of this as the ultimate hangover cure.

Twilight was not feeling charitable. The brain was in two minds over who she was madder at: Luna for getting her in this state in the first place, whichever bone-head had thrown her out of the window and into a big pile of dirt, or the royal gardeners who had somehow failed to notice her. She was at most half-submerged in the compost, so surely someone would have seen her by now? Twilight tried not to be a vindictive sort, but she made a mental note to pay a visit to the ground staff after she was restored to her body, for a nice friendly chat about job standards. And possibly to give them an eye exam.

To make matters worse, Luna had been conspicuously absent from her dreams in the last few days. Twilight understood that the Princess of the Night had a demanding job, what with her having an entire kingdom’s worth of dreams to manage alongside other royal duties. Still, selfish as it might sound, Twilight did think that perhaps Luna could put perhaps just a little more effort into looking for her, given that this was entirely her fault. How long had it been now, wondered the brain as she sat on her cool pile of dirt. Five days? Six? A whole week? Surely not. ..

Meanwhile, from high above, a large bird with a red and orange plumage circled lazily overhead. From a distance it appeared rather magnificent, like a living flame surveying all around it. But the old phoenix knew that there was not much time left before the inevitable cycle of death and rebirth took place once more. Some of its feathers had started to fall out recently, and it would only be a few days before she was completely bald, a rather undignified look for such a proud creature. Luckily, Philomena had a private little roosting area all to herself in one of the castle’s spires, provided by Celestia for those times where she just wanted to get the process over with in peace an comfort.

Currently, the phoenix was looking around for any comfy, shiny and/or edible objects to make part of her nest. She was smart enough to know that all sorts of interesting things were left lying around the vast green lawns of the castle gardens. Ponies were always so careless with what they threw away. Once, Philomena had swiped the captain of the guard’s helmet which had been lost during a particularly intensive drinking session. She had found it just after she had burst into flames inside of it, accidentally pouring the ash over her mane when the poor mare had tried to put it back on. It was good to have fun with the silly mortal ponies every now and then.

Her keen eye spotted something in a far corner, wiggling just enough to catch her attention. There was something sticking out of a big pile of black dirt. Her curiosity piqued, Philomena swooped down towards it. It looked like a worm attached to…something. She was smart for a bird, but ultimately Philomena lacked the anatomical knowledge to fully understand what it was she looking at. She tugged at the worm-like part of the object, and noticed that it felt warm and alive.It certainly didn’t look like any animal she had seen before, though. The more she pulled on it, the more the rest of it came into view. The bird pressed her wing against it, feeling the soft, bouncy and pleasingly warm texture.

She had made up her mind. Philomena grabbed the nice warm squishy thing with her talons, digging her claws in securely, before flying off back to her roosting spot, her prize wiggling softly in her grip. She wondered if maybe this also belonged to some careless pony. If so, she wondered why they would get rid of such an interesting thing? Well, it was there loss. It would make a fine addition to her nest. It might even potentially provide the bird with a meal.

Below the bird, Princess Twilight Sparkle was now officially worried. Something had her! Was it a bird? Was she flying? And more importantly, what was the sharp feeling on the side of her lobes? She hoped that wasn’t one of the important bits of her brain. Better it was something like the part that controlled how good she was at singing. She could live without that bit for now. Priorities and all that.

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Day 14

Celestia knew that her beloved pet’s life cycle was coming to an end, which was why she was making her way up the old winding staircase towards her little nest, up in one of the highest spots in the castle. She carried with her a little bag of treats-dried fruits and nuts all the way from Saddle Arabia, which she knew that Philomena loved. This was always a time to celebrate after all. It was the renewal of life, the start of a new cycle, a miraculous transformation unique in all of nature. Besides, Celestia always thought Philomena looked so cute when she was happily pecking at a pile of fruit and nuts.

She opened the small, unvarnished wooden door that led into the tower loft. There she was, the phoenix bereft of all but one of her feathers. The rest of her plumage lay scattered around the floor and on the small nest she had been patiently building. Despite how frail and sickly her pet looked, the while alicorn couldn’t help but smile.

“My, my, look at this. Someone’s been a busy bird.” She said, looking at her pets work. The feathers obscured a lot of the nest, which was mostly twigs, stolen bits of clothing and other such things. Junk, essentially. Celestia walked over and caressed the phoenix’s bald head, and Philomena chirruped in response, rubbing her head into the alicorn’s great white hand.

“Ah, you poor thing. Were you waiting for me?” asked Celestia, still smiling. “Sorry for keeping you waiting. Things are…” the smile faltered a little bit as she remembered the current situation regarding Twilight. Luna had been dealing with a scourge of nightmares that had mysteriously been effecting Ponyville. This had also led to more questions as to where Twilight was from her friends and other ponies. While her friends had witnessed the cause of Twilight’s disappearance, admitting that she had not found her yet-worse, that she and Luna had forgotten where they had even left her-was simply too embarrassing. Celestia had been telling everyone that she had been on “extra advanced private friendship lessons”, but that excuse was starting to wear awfully thin. It was all just so…
Philomena coughed wetly to the side, snapping the princess out of her thoughts.

“Ah, I won’t trouble you with my worries. This is about you, today.” She said softly. “Are you ready now?” The almost featherless bird nodded her sad head, and the last feather fell gently to the ground. Philomena jerked up stiffly, then leant backwards and fell off of the wooden perch she had been sat on. Before she had even hit the ground, her body burst into searing hot flames, and all that landed on the ground was a pile of ashes, smouldering away on top of whatever it was that had been lying underneath her.
Celestia waited patiently in front of the pile of ash, and within a few moments, the still warm ash began to float upwards. The dark dust started to take form, and there was a flash of light. In the blink of an eye, a magnificent flame-feathered phoenix appeared before the princess, her wings spread out and a proud, regal look on her face.

“Ah, welcome back, Philomena” cooed Celestia. “This is always such a joyful occasion, seeing you reinvigorate yourself like this. It is truly one of the most beautiful sights in all-“ She stopped, noticing that her pet was gesturing with a wing towards the bag of fruit and nuts she was holding. The alicorn held the bag up in the air with her magic, opening it up for her pet. “Haha, alright Philomena, I can take a hint. Here you go.” She said, laughing the phoenix eagerly tucked her head inside the bag and started munching on her goodies. Then she looked at the messy loft, covered in feathers and twigs and all sorts of junk. “Now, let’s go see if we can find a few maids to help clean this up, hmm?” As they exited the loft, Celestia made a mental note to dig out her old falconry glove. She did enjoy walking around with her pet proudly perched on top of it. Of course, “glove” was maybe not quite the correct word…

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An hour or so later, in the exact same room, Twilight Sparkle wondered why everything had gotten so quiet. Obviously she couldn’t hear anything anyway, but her sense of touch was still keen-perhaps more so given that it was currently her only sense-and she had grown good at sensing movement around her. Twilight was still mostly relying on intelligent guesswork and sheer intuition to make sense of her surroundings, though. And while her last two resting places had been easy enough to guess, she was struggling to make sense of her surroundings at present.

Twilight had spent what had seemed like a week being certain that someone, or something, had essentially brain-napped her. For what purpose, she was unsure. Most of her time was spent lying on a floor covered in all sorts of strange, small, organic-feeling objects. Occasionally, particularly in the first few days, she would feel what could possibly be claws digging into the top of her brain for hours at a time, during which it got a little harder to think properly. This did mean her day seemed to go by quicker at least. Luna was still absent from her dreams, however. If she didn’t appear soon, then Twilight worried that something dreadful might happen before Luna got the chance to find her.

And then, one day, she had felt something very warm land right on top of her. It felt like dust or something, and the heat surprised her so much that she briefly panicked. What happened if her brain got too warm? Would it melt? Catch fire? Catch fire then melt? Thankfully the heat was short lived. As the warm dust, which had covered her brain and seeped in between the folds of her lobes suddenly seemed to float up off of her brain, Twilight came to a sudden realization. The claws, the sensation of flying she had felt the week before, the heat…she had been taken in by Philolmena! Who had just been through a rebirth! Which meant that, sooner or later, Celstia herself would come and see her! She was saved!

“Oh thank you, Philomena!” thought Twilight, wiggling happily on the floor of the loft, still covered in feathers and twigs. “Even if you did kind of use me as a perch to roost on for a few days.” She mentally sighed and waited to feel the grasp of her mentors hand on her lobes. Hehe, she wouldn’t be expecting to see Twilight here, she bet! It would probably be something of a relief for her mentor given how long she had been missing. Not to mention Luna. It was a mark of her good mood that Twilight was already planning on assuring the Princess of the Night that she didn’t hold a grudge, and that mistakes happen. No harm done, really.

Then Twilight felt the environment shift around her, as well as the grasp of magic. Was this it? Had Celestia finally arrived, and was picking her up? She felt giddy as she was briefly held in the air. Then she was dropped into something. It felt like a whole lot of twigs, feathers, grass and rags, all piled together. Like someone was gathering everything up into a bag of sorts. Twilight pondered on this. Why would you put all of the stuff that Philomena had taken from the gardens and shove it in a bag? Ah, of course. To throw it out into the garbage!

Uh oh.

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Luna found her sister standing on the balcony outside her room, standing with her face towards the soon to be set sun and wearing a golden cardigan. She turned her head towards Luna and smiled, gesturing with a hand towards the fully-renewed Philomena who was flying broad, majestic circles in the darkening sky.

“Like a flame in the dark, isn’t she?” said Celestia, practically glowing with pride. Luna looked briefly up at the bird, before looking down at her sister again. She frowned.

“Sister, are you really still wearing that thing?”? she asked.

“Oh, do you think this cardigan is too bright?”

“Not that. That.” Luna pointed downwards, towards her sister’s cock, which extended outwards horizontally, covered in what was essentially a leather condom, covering up nearly the whole length. Rolling her eyes, Celestia whistled for her pet. Philomena dutifully swooped down and perched on top of her owner’s shaft, the claws digging into the leather.

“It is perfectly safe, Luna.” Said Celestia, as she levitated a few bits of fruit up to the bird’s beak. “And it shows trust on my part. Philomena values my trust.”

“It just seems like an accident waiting to happen.” Insisted Luna.

“Are you still mad over that one time?” giggled the white alicorn, as her bird eyed her sister with what seemed to Luna like a mocking stare. “That was your own fault. Really you think after that you’d see the benefits of wearing the glove-“

“We did not come here to chat about regrettable past events!” said Luna quickly. “I have news regarding Twilight.” Instantly, Celestia’s air of dry amusement made way for sincere concern. Luna continued: “I was interrogating the castle staff again after waking up, and one of mares there suddenly seemed to realise that she may have found Twilight.”

“Why, that’s wonderful!” exclaimed Celestia, turning around fully and almost whacking her sister in the face with her still erect, leather-clad cock. “So she’s safe?” Luna shook her head.

“We do not know. She apparently mistook Twilight for something else, and threw her out of a window into the garden.” Luna exhaled a sharp breath through her nose. “Which is really very objectionable as a maid, she should have taken the time to find a proper method of disposal for-“

“Luna, did you say that this maid-“ said Celestia slowly, her eyes going wide.

“Feather Dust, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Did Mrs. Dust throw Twilight into a garden?” continued Celestia. When Luna nodded, she started to think back hard to earlier in the day. Had she seen anything in the loft? She would have remembered that, surely? Still, it was a possibility. She would check the loft once more and send guards down to inspect the castle’s garbage. It was hard work, but this nonsense had gone on long enough. Twilight would be found, and soon.

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Twilight, or rather the bag she was inside of, landed on a great big pile of something that was, at once, hard and soft. She felt it burst on impact, and she spilled out of it, rolling down who-knew-what and landing in a squishy heap at the bottom.

“Oh, great.” She thought to herself, a stay banana peel now stuck to the top of her brain. She wondered what would happen now. What did they even do with the garbage here? Whatever it was, Twilight really hoped that they didn’t throw it into an incinerator. She would have known by now if the castle had one of those in it, right? Right?!

Before she could sit and sweat over it too much, Twilight sensed movement around her. Quick, skitter movement. Insect? No, they seemed to big. Which meant…

“Ah, rats.”

The soft lump of grey matter quivered anxiously as it felt fur brush past. She wasn’t sure how many rats were around here, but they must have been drawn to her by virtue of her giving off body heat. Or something like that, anyway. Twilight started to think back to when she had read that encyclopaedia on common mammals as a kid. According to that, rats were actually very-

Twilight felt something sharp on her side, and her train of thought stopped in its tracks. Before she could process what it had been, she felt it again, this time from behind. They were biting her! She felt a tiny part of her brain being nibbled right off by sharp little teeth. For the first time since her disembodiment, her brain had actually been physically damaged now. This wasn’t quite as bad for Twilight as it would be for anyone else, of course. As an essentially immortal alicorn Twilight would be fine unless they devoured her entire brain before she was found-and even then there were ways to bring her back. Alicorns were very hard to kill. But immortal or not, having your brain chewed on by rodents was not exactly an idea situation. Someone had to come looking for her soon, right?

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Day 16

Twilight found herself standing on a giant brain, which came as something of a surprise to her. Having arms and legs and stuff came as even more of a shock, having spent the last fortnight without them. She looked down at her body-she was wearing a white shirt, waistcoat and blue skirt, the same outfit she had worn when she had taken all of her friends to Canterlot, which seemed a million years ago now. The whole experience was so surreal feeling that Twilight soon came to a very definite conclusion: she was dreaming. She had dreamed before of course, but they had all melted from her memory by now. Each dream she must have done the same thing: look down at herself and remember that she had once had a body.

“Twilight Sparkle! Mark me!” said a voice from above. Twilight looked up and seen the regal form of Princess Luna descending from a star-speckled sky, illuminated by a faint ghostly light. Her deep-blue gown flowed behind her, which had the side-effect of giving Twilight a good view of her cock and balls which was perhaps, given the tone of her entrance, unintentional. But Twilight was overjoyed at the sight of the princess nonetheless.

“Princess Luna! You’re back!” yelled Twilight, gleefully. Real contact with a real person! Well, sort of. It was only a dream technically. But that counted as real when Luna was involved, pretty much. Twilight hurried towards her fellow alicorn, who touched down on the spongey surface of the brain.

“A brain?” muttered Luna, looking down at the pink-grey surface she was now standing on. “I suppose that makes sense…” Looking up, the princess coughed and addressed the source of the dream she had entered. “I apologize for my absence over the last fortnight. A group of Mara’s were spreading nightmares all across Ponyville, and I only just managed to stop them with the help of your friends.”

“Wow, that sounds exciting! How are my friends?”

“They appear fine now that they can sleep easy at night. They…did ask how you were.” Luna turned her head away. “We’ve been telling them you were with my sister after getting put back in your body, but I think we may have to fall back on a contingency plan. They are growing concerned and suspicious.”

“That’s only natural. I would be too, frankly.” Said Twilight. A part of her was simply revelling in being able to speak at last after so long locked up inside her own thoughts. It made her want to tell Luna everything at once. “Oh, Luna, I hope you find me soon so I can set everyone at ease!”

“Do you have any idea where you are?”

“I’ve completely lost track!” admitted Twilight, throwing her arms up and pacing around the squishy floor. “I think rats have me. They keep taking little bites out of my brain!”

“Zounds!”

“Yes, exactly! Zounds!” Twilight brought a fist down on her open palm to really put a bit of punch in her zound. “And they’re taking me with them all over the castle, so I’ve no idea where I am. Inside the walls? Under the floorboards?”

“I will have everyone I can find search every possible nook and cranny. I will even assist them when I can.” Said Luna, putting her hand to her (rather sizeable) chest and bowing. “Keep faith in mese, Twilight Sparkle. I will atone for my errors.” Twilght’s gaze couldn’t help but drift down towards the cause of that “error”; Luna’s meaty shaft hung out of her robe almost nonchalantly, like it was popping it’s head out to say hello. Seeing it made Twilight think of her own. She had her hands down her skirt before she could stop to think about who she was with, and she froze.

“Twiight, er, are you still suffering the effects of exposure to my seed?” asked Luna, as Twilight’s purple cheeks went bright red. “Truly a remarkable sample, if I do say so myself-“

“Sorry, sorry! It’s just, I kinda remembered…I…” Twilight’s hand withdrew slowly from beneath her skirt. “And don’t boast about that.”

“I apologize. Now, before I go, is there anything at all you would like to ask me?” Twilight thought for a moment.

“Well…” an evil glint appeared in the younger princess’s eyes. “I think a maid threw me out of a window.”

“Er, yes. That’s right.” Admitted Luna, not liking the look on Twilight’s face. “Feather Dust admitted to it. She thought you were a vegetable.”

“A vegetable that looks like a brain? Covered in cum?!”

“She did seem very sorry.”

“Oh she’ll be sorry all right!” Said Twilight, her wings expanding as she floated off of the ground. “I spent three days in a compost heap because of her. Feather Dust? Feather brain more like!” She flew higher, lost in her own rant. “When I get my body back I’m going to empty a jar of pickles, find that maid, and stick her brain in there. Then I’ll head out to the countryside and-“

The world shook suddenly, and everything started to get blurry. Twilight plummeted down towards the giant brain she had been standing on. She landed on her back and kept on going, sinking deeper and deeper into the mass of neurons.

“What’s happening?!” she cried out, as the sky above her got further and further away. A blue face peered out over the edge of the hole that Twilight had made.

“You are being woken up!” cried Luna, who seemed to be fading into nothing as she spoke. “I will attend to you the next time you dream! Farewell for now, Twilight Sparkle!”

“Wait-“

And all went black. But Twilight was still wide awake.

And she felt very, very warm.

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Sunflower had a lot on his mind right now. The tall, awkward, skinny young unicorn was a new addition to the royal kitchens, and his new job was proving to be a little more stressful than he had anticipated. He had been recruited personally by the head chef after word of mouth had spread about Sunflower and his wonderful casseroles. But being pretty good in your own kitchen, on your own terms, was one thing. Living up to the impeccable standards of the Canterlot Palace kitchens was quite another.

“Sunflower! Get yer thumb out of yer arse and get that beef ready!”

“Yes chef!”

Sighing, the lanky brown stallion levitated over a slab of beef from a nearby pile and plopped it onto his frying pan. He tried to concentrate as best he could, but all of his worries started to flood into his mind. His dad was having a hard time getting around these days, and his girlfriend was acting kind of cold ever since he got his new job. What was that all about? Had he said something? And why hadn’t he been allowed to open the door of the main fridge since he started two weeks ago? What exactly was in there? And then there was the cost of living in Canterlot these days…

Sunflower, and everyone else in the kitchen for that matter, failed to notice something dropping from the rafters above into the pile of raw beef. Nor did they hear the distressed squeeks that followed. After cutting up the browned beef, the young chef levitated over the nearest bit of meat without even bothering to check it. The sound of the sizzling always had a meditative quality to it, he had thought, staring off into space for a moment at exactly the wrong time.

“Sunflower, for fuck sake!”

“Y-yes chef?!” said Sunflower, shaking his head and looking around. The head chef, an older earth pony with a granite-like face and matching fur colour, was staring daggers at him. He gulped. The strange thing was, he knew that Wellington was a really nice, charistmatic pony outside the kitchen. But when he was inside, he was King. And you obeyed or died.

“What do you call this?” said Wellington, pointing down at the beef currently sizzling in the pan. He lifted it out with a nearby pair of tongs, showing it to Sunflower. “Are you seriously going to serve this?!” The beef looked horrific. A mixture of pink and grey, with flecks of white here and there, it looked to be mostly fat. It was covered in tiny holes, as though it had been left with a nest of rats before being packed in with the other bits of beef.

“I…uh…it wasn’t me that p-picked it out, Chef-“

“You should have spotted that it was off before fucking trying to fry it, you dozy twat!” Wellington practically screamed at the now quivering unicorn, his teeth barred. He shoved the mildly cooked lump of meat into the younger stallions chest. “Go flush this crap down the toilet where it belongs!”

“But can’t we just put it in the trash?”

“Have you really got the brass balls to argue with me in my own kitchen?" cried the head chef, his face mere inches from Sunflower. The younger chef's brain came up with the worst possibly reply to this, and naturally, he couldn't help but respond with it.

"Well given the colour of my coat, I kind of do have brass balls. Haha. Ha..." There was an eternal second of silence.

"...oh. Wel, fair enough then." said Wellington, shrugging and smiling cheerfully. Sunflower relaxed for 1/1000th of a second before the volcanic chef was right in his face again. "But if you doze off again in my kitchen I’ll flush you down that toilet myself. Got it?”

“Yes chef! Sorry chef!” cried Sunflower, his gangly legs twisting around as his body moved automatically towards the door, carried along by sheer terror. Snorting, Chef Wellington moved on to find another target.

=====================================================================

There were no words for the relief that Twilight experienced when she felt herself being dropped into some sort of cool liquid. For a few brief seconds, her delicate underside had felt as if it was being cooked alive! It was hard to tell exactly what had happened. She had woken up to the terrible heat after her dream with Luna, and then she experienced the scariest few seconds of her entire time as a disembodied brain. The only explanation for what had happened was that she had somehow ended up in a fire, or perhaps the kitchen. Exactly how was beyond her understanding a this point; she was just thankful to be safe now.

Although that did raise the question: where was she now? And how did she get here? Had some kindly soul put her in a sink, or perhaps a basin of water, to ease her suffering? Suddenly her spirits soared. Of course! Somepony must have recognised her as the missing brain of Twilight Sparkle! And now they had put her in a nice, moist place to relax until they could find her body! It all made sense now. Why, the next thing she felt would be a nice pair of hands, or perhaps the safe, warm glow of magic, to bring her back into her own head. All she had to do now was wait.

As she floated happily on the surface of the water, Twilight suddenly felt the water start to move. It was sucking her downwards! She wondered what could possibly be happening now as she felt herself become fully submerged in the rushing waterflow. When she felt herself getting squeezed into a pipe, the true nature of her current, and very soon to be former, location dawned across her horrified mind. Even though she had no ears, she still swore she heard the damning sound of a toilet flushing her down, down, down….

===================================================================================================

As the sound of the flush reverberate out of the bathroom, the royal sisters walked right on path it down the corridor, paying no heed to the frankly unnoticed sound. They had much more important things to worry about.

“I searched both the loft and where any waste is sent, but neither I nor anypony else found what we were looking for.” Said Celestia, her face grim. The two alicorns walked side to side, taking up most of the hallway with their unusually large frames Celestia, having been woken during the night by her alarmed sister, was wearing her purple dressing gown. They talked animatedly, comparing their stories.

“I have ordered my night staff to search in areas likely to have rat nests.” Said Luna. She would glance from side to side on occasion, as if expecting to see a rat carrying a brain at any moment. Celestia sighed in a clearly irritated manner.

“We should have had these rats removed years ago.” She said.

“I think they have a quiet nobility about them, personally.” Replied Luna. She coughed. “Of course they are clearly in the wrong in this instance, but still. They add character to a castle.”

“And now they eat brains, apparently.”

“As I said, they’ve made mistakes. I can sympathise with that.” Said Luna. “With any luck we will have found Twilight Sparkle by the morn.”

“I hope so, dear sister. It has been far too long since she had been seen in public, and I cannot keep falling back on feeble excuses. If we don’t find her tonight, I will have no choice but to activate my back-up plan to keep ponies calm.”

“Oh?” said Luna, curious. “And what is this plan?”

“We still have her body. All we need is a brain.” Observed Celestia. They paused by the kitchen doors, peering in at the chaos inside as the cooks prepared Luna’s “lunch”, which she had every night during what she would see as the early part of her day. Both of the alicorn’s eyes were drawn to the unopened fridge to the left of the room.

“Ah, I see what you mean, Celestia.” Said Luna, nodding. “A stand-in brain, if you will. Hmm…but who?” she asked. “To impersonate a princess so publically? For who knows how long? It is not an enviable task.”

“You’re quite right,” continued Celestia, stroking her chin thoughtfully. “It would need to be someone with experience performing. Someone who won’t be missed.” A small smile appeared on the ebony alicorn’s lips. “And I think I know just the mare to help us.”