Twilight Sparkle's Bogus Brain Journey

by Pozzo

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Anthro, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Porn, Fetish, Comedy
Length: 19308

One small brain goes on one ridiculous adventure, through a mixture of terrible luck and the carelessness of others. Hilarity ensues...?

Sequel to Cock-Fu, but pretty different in terms of content (the clue's in the title!) and could probably be read solo.

A wayward encounter with a perhaps overenthusiastic Princess Luna has left Twilight Sparkle's brain lying somewhere in the castle. The good news is she's still alive and well, if disembodied and kind of annoyed. Trouble is, no one can remember where she was last seen-it's a big castle after all. Oh well, no doubt she'll turn up. Unless she has extraordinarily bad luck and ends up getting swept off around the castle and beyond before anyone can find her. That would be most unfortunate...

Like all of my stuff this story is utter nonsense, but hopefully in an entertaining, slapstick kind of way. It's mostly played for absurd laughs but as always there is some lewd in there. Does contain hyper futas, so there's that, too!

Published 2018-01-16 04:10:08 UTC
Last updated 2018-06-14 22:17:08 UTC

An Unexpected Journey

There was an uncomfortable silence in the dining room as Celestia dropped another lump of sugar into her tea.

“Did we have a pleasant night’s work, Luna?” she asked, stirring her cup gently as she smiled at her sister. In front of her, the Princess of the Night nodded her head.

“Standard. Wrestled with the unfathomable depths of the subconscious mind, assisted in life-changing epiphanies, chased away countless nightmares…” Luna took a sip from her cup. “As I said. Standard.”

“Well that’s good to hear. Really. Wonderful.” Celestia’s face seemed locked onto a rather forced looking smile. She drank some of her tea, paused thoughtfully, and promptly levitated the sugar jar over again. “So, have you heard anything regarding Twi-“

“You need to eat less sugar, Sister.” Interrupted Luna, rather quickly. “I do not wish to appear judgemental, but I believe that you are indulging yourself rather more than you should-“

“Luna, every time I mention Twilight you change the subject. It’s rather embarrassing how nervous you are about it.” Smiled the sun Princesses, taking another sip of her tea. The dark blue alicorn sitting across from her sighed, looking down at the table.

“Once again I am truly sorry for my behaviour.” Said Luna. “I got carried away. Sometimes in the heat of the moment, ponies make mistakes.”

“You literally fucked my prize student’s brains out.”

“That is what I said, ponies make mistakes!” Said Luna, raising her arms up. “And I am very sorry that I did it, and I am very sorry that my efforts to locate said brain have so far proven inadequate. I have spoken to Twilight in her dreams, but even she cannot remember exactly which room we were in when it happened.” Luna huffed in frustration. “I’ve always said this castle is far too big for its own good. Something like this was bound to happen.” Celestia kept on smiling even as a vein started to throb on her forehead. She took a calming sip of tea.

“Luna. I would be most grateful if you could please just find Twilight’s brain sometime in the next few days. We’ve had her body locked in a fridge for days and the cooks are starting to get suspicious.”

“Fear not, sister. I will correct this mistake of mine post haste.” Said Luna. She continued to sit there, drinking tea. After a few moments the alicorn became aware of her sister’s glare. “But after a good sleep, of course. I just finished my shift.” The glaring continued. “Well why don’t you try looking for her?”

“I’m a little busy ruling a kingdom at the moment, in case you weren’t aware.” Said Celestia, draining her cup. “And I’d rather we do this subtly. I don’t want to have to explain to the staff or who knows who what exactly I’m doing and why it’s happened. On account of how incredibly bad that would make my beloved sister look.”

“Hmph” said Luna, standing up from the table. “At least she’s enjoying herself.”

“Pardon?” said Celestia, looking up at her sister with a raised eyebrow. The blue alicorn seemed to notice that she had let something slip.

“Well…you do remember the, er…circumstances in which Twilight’s brain exited her skull.” She said, carefully. It wasn’t that she found the idea of cumming a fellow Princess’s brain out through her ear inherently embarrassing. Luna was not an easily embarrassed pony, after all, and mastering the ancient martial art of Cock Fu was nothing to be ashamed of. But she did respect the fact that Celestia was clearly annoyed with her, so she decided to be as delicate as possible with her wording.

“I do remember, yes.” Said Celestia, evenly. “Why?”

“Well, from what I have learned while talking to your student, it would appear that she is currently resting in a puddle of my semen. Which means,” continued Luna, pressing on before her sister could interject, “that she is…well…”

“Well what? I do not believe she is the type of pony who would normally relish that sort of thing.” Said Celestia, icily.

“I did not mean to imply as such, dear sister. But it would appear that the prolonged exposure has had an effect on her mental state. Her dream last night was very…visually stimulating” managed Luna. “And her conversation was rather focused on aspects of my anatomy.” Anyone that had been lying underneath the table at that moment for whatever reason would have known exactly what Luna had meant by that. All alicorns were gifted with a pair of cock and balls that were unrivaled in size across the whole land.

“I…see.” Said Celestia, thoughtfully. Luna studied her sisters countenance, drinking from her cup. Bizarrely, at least from Luna’s perspective, her sister actually laughed at this news. “So be honest, dear sister…was I in those dreams?”

The spit take that ensued was, on later reflection, entirely Celestia’s fault.

================================================================================================

Day 3
Meanwhile, somewhere in the castle, in one of the countless small rooms that lay within, Princess Twilight Sparkle-Element of Magic and Princess of Friendship-tried her best to focus on whatever it was she felt she was meant to be focusing on. She felt she had been in some sort of danger. Or if not danger, then she was clearly in some sort of unfortunate predicament. That seemed certain. But right now her thoughts kept sliding towards other seemingly unrelated subjects, such as imagining herself burying her face in the plump, musky testicles of one of the royal sisters and cleaning every sweat-covered inch with her tongue. Or getting covered head to toe in their wonderful, life-giving cum, her purple coat hidden under running sheets of white…

No, that didn’t seem like what she should be focusing on right now, did it? She was vaguely aware that right now she was just a brain lying on a floor somewhere. Yes, that was it. She had been disembodied! By Princess Luna, and her massive dick! And it had been at least two days-possibly three-since Twilight had been able to see, or smell or feel that giant cock, which was terrible, and needed to be corrected. Yes, that must be what that feeling of something being fundamentally wrong was. Now if only there was something she could do about that?

Sadly, Twilight found that her options as a disembodied brain were rather limited. Moving was impossible, although she could wiggle a little. She couldn’t see, hear, smell, talk, use magic, or communicate in any way. The only ability that she seemed to retain as a disembodied brain (other than the ability to think, naturally) was the ability to feel. For example, Twilight could on occasion feel a gust of wind coming from the side, leading her to conclude that she was next to a window of some sort.

She was also lying in a sticky wet puddle of what was almost certainly Princess Luna’s seed. The scientist within speculated that her brain’s prolonged contact with fresh alicorn semen was the reason why her thoughts had been so often concerned with matters of a lascivious nature. Or maybe it was just that the thought of being covered in the Princesses’ jizz made her horny as hell, which was quite a feat given that as a brain, she had no genitals. It was clearly a matter that would require further research to reach a satisfying answer. Perhaps she would ask Luna next time she fell asleep.

Ah yes, dream time was now something of a treat for Twilight. After hours and hours of doing literally nothing but thinking, Twilight would drift off to sleep. She would know when she was asleep when her senses would suddenly return again, and she was able to see ,say, the inside of her castle, or the streets of Canterlot, or the great library inside the Royal Palace. While her first dream had been uneventful, and had already passed into whatever oblivion forgotten dreams go to, her second had contained a familiar blue alicorn, who was clearly very embarrassed about asking how Twilight was. While Twilight had not been able to remember the exact room she was in, and offer little in the way of help, it was nice to have talked to someone. And tell them how sexy they were, and how they should both have sex as soon as possible. Luna had left Twilight’s dream shortly after that. She was busy pony, after all, she must have been busy with something-

Twilight felt something bump against her, which would have made her yelp in surprise if that had been possible. Someone must have found her! She wondered who it was. Luna? Celestia? One of her friends? She wiggled in anticipation. Soon she’d be in her body again, safe and sound, free to go back to her castle and say hi to Spike and hopefully possibly fuck her rescuer all night long. To show her gratitude, of course. It was only polite.

============================================================================================

Feather Dust, a middle aged unicorn maid with pale yellow fur and a curly, golden mane, poked the strange lumpen mass with her duster once more. It seemed to twitch at her prompting. Whatever it was, it looked filthy, covered in that disgusting white stuff that smelled like it had been there for days, which it might well have done. The puddle and the mysterious lump in the middle had been lying just underneath an open window, behind a pillar. It was hard to tell exactly what the solid object was, but there was no mistaking what the liquid was. No, Feather had been a royal maid for too long not to know. The smell alone was proof enough.
Honestly, the things she had to put up with as a maid, thought Feather..The princesses were obviously wonderful and she was blessed to be in their presence daily. But that didn’t mean they could leave their discharge lying around in puddles without bothering to clean up afterwards. Feather shuddered as a series of memories flashed through her mind, most of them from that awkward period when Luna had returned from banishment and had not quite cottoned on to the social mores of the modern era. Even now, just getting her into a pair of pants was a small triumph.

The unicorn sighed in frustration, realising that she would have to go and find a mop if she wanted to clean this mess up properly. Before she went to fetch the appropriate equipment, Feather levitated the solid object up off the puddle of cum, holding it at a distance from her face as she tried to determine what it was.. It looked like…well, she wasn’t sure. Kind of like a brain, truth be told. But that was ridiculous. How? Why? Who? No, decided Feather, as she turned it around, scrunching her face up as more cum dripped off of it. Maybe it was some sort of fun new “toy” that was all the rage right now, not that she would know anything about that. Or maybe the Princess had developed a thing for cauliflowers. Whatever it was, Feather was certainly not about to walk through the halls of the palace with it. And she was just about to go on break, anyway. She wondered if there was a quick fix to this.

The grumpy maid looked at the window. It overlooked part of the garden. It would be rather irresponsible of her to simply throw the weird, filthy object out a window…but then again, what was the harm? It would surely just get thrown out anyway, so Feather was just cutting out the middle mare, as it was. It’s not like Princess Luna was going to come and ask her about if she’d seen it, right? Shrugging, Feather launched the sodden lump out of the window, not even bothering to check where it had landed. It was the gardeners problem now as far as she was concerned-they got an easy ride anyway, compared to what the indoor staff had to put up with.

Nodding with satisfaction at having gotten rid of that horrible thing, Feather trotted off to quickly find a mop, already wondering how best to spend her tea break. Meanwhile, outside, something pink and white wiggled as it lay on top of a large heap of compost, wondering what in Equestria had just happened…

===========================================================================================

Day 7

On the positive side of things, a few days spent inside a pile of compost, away from the influence of certain bodily fluids, did at least mean that Twilight’s mind was no longer constantly thinking about sex. If she was being charitable, then she could think of this as the ultimate hangover cure.

Twilight was not feeling charitable. The brain was in two minds over who she was madder at: Luna for getting her in this state in the first place, whichever bone-head had thrown her out of the window and into a big pile of dirt, or the royal gardeners who had somehow failed to notice her. She was at most half-submerged in the compost, so surely someone would have seen her by now? Twilight tried not to be a vindictive sort, but she made a mental note to pay a visit to the ground staff after she was restored to her body, for a nice friendly chat about job standards. And possibly to give them an eye exam.

To make matters worse, Luna had been conspicuously absent from her dreams in the last few days. Twilight understood that the Princess of the Night had a demanding job, what with her having an entire kingdom’s worth of dreams to manage alongside other royal duties. Still, selfish as it might sound, Twilight did think that perhaps Luna could put perhaps just a little more effort into looking for her, given that this was entirely her fault. How long had it been now, wondered the brain as she sat on her cool pile of dirt. Five days? Six? A whole week? Surely not. ..

Meanwhile, from high above, a large bird with a red and orange plumage circled lazily overhead. From a distance it appeared rather magnificent, like a living flame surveying all around it. But the old phoenix knew that there was not much time left before the inevitable cycle of death and rebirth took place once more. Some of its feathers had started to fall out recently, and it would only be a few days before she was completely bald, a rather undignified look for such a proud creature. Luckily, Philomena had a private little roosting area all to herself in one of the castle’s spires, provided by Celestia for those times where she just wanted to get the process over with in peace an comfort.

Currently, the phoenix was looking around for any comfy, shiny and/or edible objects to make part of her nest. She was smart enough to know that all sorts of interesting things were left lying around the vast green lawns of the castle gardens. Ponies were always so careless with what they threw away. Once, Philomena had swiped the captain of the guard’s helmet which had been lost during a particularly intensive drinking session. She had found it just after she had burst into flames inside of it, accidentally pouring the ash over her mane when the poor mare had tried to put it back on. It was good to have fun with the silly mortal ponies every now and then.

Her keen eye spotted something in a far corner, wiggling just enough to catch her attention. There was something sticking out of a big pile of black dirt. Her curiosity piqued, Philomena swooped down towards it. It looked like a worm attached to…something. She was smart for a bird, but ultimately Philomena lacked the anatomical knowledge to fully understand what it was she looking at. She tugged at the worm-like part of the object, and noticed that it felt warm and alive.It certainly didn’t look like any animal she had seen before, though. The more she pulled on it, the more the rest of it came into view. The bird pressed her wing against it, feeling the soft, bouncy and pleasingly warm texture.

She had made up her mind. Philomena grabbed the nice warm squishy thing with her talons, digging her claws in securely, before flying off back to her roosting spot, her prize wiggling softly in her grip. She wondered if maybe this also belonged to some careless pony. If so, she wondered why they would get rid of such an interesting thing? Well, it was there loss. It would make a fine addition to her nest. It might even potentially provide the bird with a meal.

Below the bird, Princess Twilight Sparkle was now officially worried. Something had her! Was it a bird? Was she flying? And more importantly, what was the sharp feeling on the side of her lobes? She hoped that wasn’t one of the important bits of her brain. Better it was something like the part that controlled how good she was at singing. She could live without that bit for now. Priorities and all that.

==============================================================================================

Day 14

Celestia knew that her beloved pet’s life cycle was coming to an end, which was why she was making her way up the old winding staircase towards her little nest, up in one of the highest spots in the castle. She carried with her a little bag of treats-dried fruits and nuts all the way from Saddle Arabia, which she knew that Philomena loved. This was always a time to celebrate after all. It was the renewal of life, the start of a new cycle, a miraculous transformation unique in all of nature. Besides, Celestia always thought Philomena looked so cute when she was happily pecking at a pile of fruit and nuts.

She opened the small, unvarnished wooden door that led into the tower loft. There she was, the phoenix bereft of all but one of her feathers. The rest of her plumage lay scattered around the floor and on the small nest she had been patiently building. Despite how frail and sickly her pet looked, the while alicorn couldn’t help but smile.

“My, my, look at this. Someone’s been a busy bird.” She said, looking at her pets work. The feathers obscured a lot of the nest, which was mostly twigs, stolen bits of clothing and other such things. Junk, essentially. Celestia walked over and caressed the phoenix’s bald head, and Philomena chirruped in response, rubbing her head into the alicorn’s great white hand.

“Ah, you poor thing. Were you waiting for me?” asked Celestia, still smiling. “Sorry for keeping you waiting. Things are…” the smile faltered a little bit as she remembered the current situation regarding Twilight. Luna had been dealing with a scourge of nightmares that had mysteriously been effecting Ponyville. This had also led to more questions as to where Twilight was from her friends and other ponies. While her friends had witnessed the cause of Twilight’s disappearance, admitting that she had not found her yet-worse, that she and Luna had forgotten where they had even left her-was simply too embarrassing. Celestia had been telling everyone that she had been on “extra advanced private friendship lessons”, but that excuse was starting to wear awfully thin. It was all just so…
Philomena coughed wetly to the side, snapping the princess out of her thoughts.

“Ah, I won’t trouble you with my worries. This is about you, today.” She said softly. “Are you ready now?” The almost featherless bird nodded her sad head, and the last feather fell gently to the ground. Philomena jerked up stiffly, then leant backwards and fell off of the wooden perch she had been sat on. Before she had even hit the ground, her body burst into searing hot flames, and all that landed on the ground was a pile of ashes, smouldering away on top of whatever it was that had been lying underneath her.
Celestia waited patiently in front of the pile of ash, and within a few moments, the still warm ash began to float upwards. The dark dust started to take form, and there was a flash of light. In the blink of an eye, a magnificent flame-feathered phoenix appeared before the princess, her wings spread out and a proud, regal look on her face.

“Ah, welcome back, Philomena” cooed Celestia. “This is always such a joyful occasion, seeing you reinvigorate yourself like this. It is truly one of the most beautiful sights in all-“ She stopped, noticing that her pet was gesturing with a wing towards the bag of fruit and nuts she was holding. The alicorn held the bag up in the air with her magic, opening it up for her pet. “Haha, alright Philomena, I can take a hint. Here you go.” She said, laughing the phoenix eagerly tucked her head inside the bag and started munching on her goodies. Then she looked at the messy loft, covered in feathers and twigs and all sorts of junk. “Now, let’s go see if we can find a few maids to help clean this up, hmm?” As they exited the loft, Celestia made a mental note to dig out her old falconry glove. She did enjoy walking around with her pet proudly perched on top of it. Of course, “glove” was maybe not quite the correct word…

============================================================================================

An hour or so later, in the exact same room, Twilight Sparkle wondered why everything had gotten so quiet. Obviously she couldn’t hear anything anyway, but her sense of touch was still keen-perhaps more so given that it was currently her only sense-and she had grown good at sensing movement around her. Twilight was still mostly relying on intelligent guesswork and sheer intuition to make sense of her surroundings, though. And while her last two resting places had been easy enough to guess, she was struggling to make sense of her surroundings at present.

Twilight had spent what had seemed like a week being certain that someone, or something, had essentially brain-napped her. For what purpose, she was unsure. Most of her time was spent lying on a floor covered in all sorts of strange, small, organic-feeling objects. Occasionally, particularly in the first few days, she would feel what could possibly be claws digging into the top of her brain for hours at a time, during which it got a little harder to think properly. This did mean her day seemed to go by quicker at least. Luna was still absent from her dreams, however. If she didn’t appear soon, then Twilight worried that something dreadful might happen before Luna got the chance to find her.

And then, one day, she had felt something very warm land right on top of her. It felt like dust or something, and the heat surprised her so much that she briefly panicked. What happened if her brain got too warm? Would it melt? Catch fire? Catch fire then melt? Thankfully the heat was short lived. As the warm dust, which had covered her brain and seeped in between the folds of her lobes suddenly seemed to float up off of her brain, Twilight came to a sudden realization. The claws, the sensation of flying she had felt the week before, the heat…she had been taken in by Philolmena! Who had just been through a rebirth! Which meant that, sooner or later, Celstia herself would come and see her! She was saved!

“Oh thank you, Philomena!” thought Twilight, wiggling happily on the floor of the loft, still covered in feathers and twigs. “Even if you did kind of use me as a perch to roost on for a few days.” She mentally sighed and waited to feel the grasp of her mentors hand on her lobes. Hehe, she wouldn’t be expecting to see Twilight here, she bet! It would probably be something of a relief for her mentor given how long she had been missing. Not to mention Luna. It was a mark of her good mood that Twilight was already planning on assuring the Princess of the Night that she didn’t hold a grudge, and that mistakes happen. No harm done, really.

Then Twilight felt the environment shift around her, as well as the grasp of magic. Was this it? Had Celestia finally arrived, and was picking her up? She felt giddy as she was briefly held in the air. Then she was dropped into something. It felt like a whole lot of twigs, feathers, grass and rags, all piled together. Like someone was gathering everything up into a bag of sorts. Twilight pondered on this. Why would you put all of the stuff that Philomena had taken from the gardens and shove it in a bag? Ah, of course. To throw it out into the garbage!

Uh oh.

==================================================================================

Luna found her sister standing on the balcony outside her room, standing with her face towards the soon to be set sun and wearing a golden cardigan. She turned her head towards Luna and smiled, gesturing with a hand towards the fully-renewed Philomena who was flying broad, majestic circles in the darkening sky.

“Like a flame in the dark, isn’t she?” said Celestia, practically glowing with pride. Luna looked briefly up at the bird, before looking down at her sister again. She frowned.

“Sister, are you really still wearing that thing?”? she asked.

“Oh, do you think this cardigan is too bright?”

“Not that. That.” Luna pointed downwards, towards her sister’s cock, which extended outwards horizontally, covered in what was essentially a leather condom, covering up nearly the whole length. Rolling her eyes, Celestia whistled for her pet. Philomena dutifully swooped down and perched on top of her owner’s shaft, the claws digging into the leather.

“It is perfectly safe, Luna.” Said Celestia, as she levitated a few bits of fruit up to the bird’s beak. “And it shows trust on my part. Philomena values my trust.”

“It just seems like an accident waiting to happen.” Insisted Luna.

“Are you still mad over that one time?” giggled the white alicorn, as her bird eyed her sister with what seemed to Luna like a mocking stare. “That was your own fault. Really you think after that you’d see the benefits of wearing the glove-“

“We did not come here to chat about regrettable past events!” said Luna quickly. “I have news regarding Twilight.” Instantly, Celestia’s air of dry amusement made way for sincere concern. Luna continued: “I was interrogating the castle staff again after waking up, and one of mares there suddenly seemed to realise that she may have found Twilight.”

“Why, that’s wonderful!” exclaimed Celestia, turning around fully and almost whacking her sister in the face with her still erect, leather-clad cock. “So she’s safe?” Luna shook her head.

“We do not know. She apparently mistook Twilight for something else, and threw her out of a window into the garden.” Luna exhaled a sharp breath through her nose. “Which is really very objectionable as a maid, she should have taken the time to find a proper method of disposal for-“

“Luna, did you say that this maid-“ said Celestia slowly, her eyes going wide.

“Feather Dust, if I’m not mistaken.”

“Did Mrs. Dust throw Twilight into a garden?” continued Celestia. When Luna nodded, she started to think back hard to earlier in the day. Had she seen anything in the loft? She would have remembered that, surely? Still, it was a possibility. She would check the loft once more and send guards down to inspect the castle’s garbage. It was hard work, but this nonsense had gone on long enough. Twilight would be found, and soon.

============================================================================================

Twilight, or rather the bag she was inside of, landed on a great big pile of something that was, at once, hard and soft. She felt it burst on impact, and she spilled out of it, rolling down who-knew-what and landing in a squishy heap at the bottom.

“Oh, great.” She thought to herself, a stay banana peel now stuck to the top of her brain. She wondered what would happen now. What did they even do with the garbage here? Whatever it was, Twilight really hoped that they didn’t throw it into an incinerator. She would have known by now if the castle had one of those in it, right? Right?!

Before she could sit and sweat over it too much, Twilight sensed movement around her. Quick, skitter movement. Insect? No, they seemed to big. Which meant…

“Ah, rats.”

The soft lump of grey matter quivered anxiously as it felt fur brush past. She wasn’t sure how many rats were around here, but they must have been drawn to her by virtue of her giving off body heat. Or something like that, anyway. Twilight started to think back to when she had read that encyclopaedia on common mammals as a kid. According to that, rats were actually very-

Twilight felt something sharp on her side, and her train of thought stopped in its tracks. Before she could process what it had been, she felt it again, this time from behind. They were biting her! She felt a tiny part of her brain being nibbled right off by sharp little teeth. For the first time since her disembodiment, her brain had actually been physically damaged now. This wasn’t quite as bad for Twilight as it would be for anyone else, of course. As an essentially immortal alicorn Twilight would be fine unless they devoured her entire brain before she was found-and even then there were ways to bring her back. Alicorns were very hard to kill. But immortal or not, having your brain chewed on by rodents was not exactly an idea situation. Someone had to come looking for her soon, right?

========================================================================================

Day 16

Twilight found herself standing on a giant brain, which came as something of a surprise to her. Having arms and legs and stuff came as even more of a shock, having spent the last fortnight without them. She looked down at her body-she was wearing a white shirt, waistcoat and blue skirt, the same outfit she had worn when she had taken all of her friends to Canterlot, which seemed a million years ago now. The whole experience was so surreal feeling that Twilight soon came to a very definite conclusion: she was dreaming. She had dreamed before of course, but they had all melted from her memory by now. Each dream she must have done the same thing: look down at herself and remember that she had once had a body.

“Twilight Sparkle! Mark me!” said a voice from above. Twilight looked up and seen the regal form of Princess Luna descending from a star-speckled sky, illuminated by a faint ghostly light. Her deep-blue gown flowed behind her, which had the side-effect of giving Twilight a good view of her cock and balls which was perhaps, given the tone of her entrance, unintentional. But Twilight was overjoyed at the sight of the princess nonetheless.

“Princess Luna! You’re back!” yelled Twilight, gleefully. Real contact with a real person! Well, sort of. It was only a dream technically. But that counted as real when Luna was involved, pretty much. Twilight hurried towards her fellow alicorn, who touched down on the spongey surface of the brain.

“A brain?” muttered Luna, looking down at the pink-grey surface she was now standing on. “I suppose that makes sense…” Looking up, the princess coughed and addressed the source of the dream she had entered. “I apologize for my absence over the last fortnight. A group of Mara’s were spreading nightmares all across Ponyville, and I only just managed to stop them with the help of your friends.”

“Wow, that sounds exciting! How are my friends?”

“They appear fine now that they can sleep easy at night. They…did ask how you were.” Luna turned her head away. “We’ve been telling them you were with my sister after getting put back in your body, but I think we may have to fall back on a contingency plan. They are growing concerned and suspicious.”

“That’s only natural. I would be too, frankly.” Said Twilight. A part of her was simply revelling in being able to speak at last after so long locked up inside her own thoughts. It made her want to tell Luna everything at once. “Oh, Luna, I hope you find me soon so I can set everyone at ease!”

“Do you have any idea where you are?”

“I’ve completely lost track!” admitted Twilight, throwing her arms up and pacing around the squishy floor. “I think rats have me. They keep taking little bites out of my brain!”

“Zounds!”

“Yes, exactly! Zounds!” Twilight brought a fist down on her open palm to really put a bit of punch in her zound. “And they’re taking me with them all over the castle, so I’ve no idea where I am. Inside the walls? Under the floorboards?”

“I will have everyone I can find search every possible nook and cranny. I will even assist them when I can.” Said Luna, putting her hand to her (rather sizeable) chest and bowing. “Keep faith in mese, Twilight Sparkle. I will atone for my errors.” Twilght’s gaze couldn’t help but drift down towards the cause of that “error”; Luna’s meaty shaft hung out of her robe almost nonchalantly, like it was popping it’s head out to say hello. Seeing it made Twilight think of her own. She had her hands down her skirt before she could stop to think about who she was with, and she froze.

“Twiight, er, are you still suffering the effects of exposure to my seed?” asked Luna, as Twilight’s purple cheeks went bright red. “Truly a remarkable sample, if I do say so myself-“

“Sorry, sorry! It’s just, I kinda remembered…I…” Twilight’s hand withdrew slowly from beneath her skirt. “And don’t boast about that.”

“I apologize. Now, before I go, is there anything at all you would like to ask me?” Twilight thought for a moment.

“Well…” an evil glint appeared in the younger princess’s eyes. “I think a maid threw me out of a window.”

“Er, yes. That’s right.” Admitted Luna, not liking the look on Twilight’s face. “Feather Dust admitted to it. She thought you were a vegetable.”

“A vegetable that looks like a brain? Covered in cum?!”

“She did seem very sorry.”

“Oh she’ll be sorry all right!” Said Twilight, her wings expanding as she floated off of the ground. “I spent three days in a compost heap because of her. Feather Dust? Feather brain more like!” She flew higher, lost in her own rant. “When I get my body back I’m going to empty a jar of pickles, find that maid, and stick her brain in there. Then I’ll head out to the countryside and-“

The world shook suddenly, and everything started to get blurry. Twilight plummeted down towards the giant brain she had been standing on. She landed on her back and kept on going, sinking deeper and deeper into the mass of neurons.

“What’s happening?!” she cried out, as the sky above her got further and further away. A blue face peered out over the edge of the hole that Twilight had made.

“You are being woken up!” cried Luna, who seemed to be fading into nothing as she spoke. “I will attend to you the next time you dream! Farewell for now, Twilight Sparkle!”

“Wait-“

And all went black. But Twilight was still wide awake.

And she felt very, very warm.

=================================================================================

Sunflower had a lot on his mind right now. The tall, awkward, skinny young unicorn was a new addition to the royal kitchens, and his new job was proving to be a little more stressful than he had anticipated. He had been recruited personally by the head chef after word of mouth had spread about Sunflower and his wonderful casseroles. But being pretty good in your own kitchen, on your own terms, was one thing. Living up to the impeccable standards of the Canterlot Palace kitchens was quite another.

“Sunflower! Get yer thumb out of yer arse and get that beef ready!”

“Yes chef!”

Sighing, the lanky brown stallion levitated over a slab of beef from a nearby pile and plopped it onto his frying pan. He tried to concentrate as best he could, but all of his worries started to flood into his mind. His dad was having a hard time getting around these days, and his girlfriend was acting kind of cold ever since he got his new job. What was that all about? Had he said something? And why hadn’t he been allowed to open the door of the main fridge since he started two weeks ago? What exactly was in there? And then there was the cost of living in Canterlot these days…

Sunflower, and everyone else in the kitchen for that matter, failed to notice something dropping from the rafters above into the pile of raw beef. Nor did they hear the distressed squeeks that followed. After cutting up the browned beef, the young chef levitated over the nearest bit of meat without even bothering to check it. The sound of the sizzling always had a meditative quality to it, he had thought, staring off into space for a moment at exactly the wrong time.

“Sunflower, for fuck sake!”

“Y-yes chef?!” said Sunflower, shaking his head and looking around. The head chef, an older earth pony with a granite-like face and matching fur colour, was staring daggers at him. He gulped. The strange thing was, he knew that Wellington was a really nice, charistmatic pony outside the kitchen. But when he was inside, he was King. And you obeyed or died.

“What do you call this?” said Wellington, pointing down at the beef currently sizzling in the pan. He lifted it out with a nearby pair of tongs, showing it to Sunflower. “Are you seriously going to serve this?!” The beef looked horrific. A mixture of pink and grey, with flecks of white here and there, it looked to be mostly fat. It was covered in tiny holes, as though it had been left with a nest of rats before being packed in with the other bits of beef.

“I…uh…it wasn’t me that p-picked it out, Chef-“

“You should have spotted that it was off before fucking trying to fry it, you dozy twat!” Wellington practically screamed at the now quivering unicorn, his teeth barred. He shoved the mildly cooked lump of meat into the younger stallions chest. “Go flush this crap down the toilet where it belongs!”

“But can’t we just put it in the trash?”

“Have you really got the brass balls to argue with me in my own kitchen?" cried the head chef, his face mere inches from Sunflower. The younger chef's brain came up with the worst possibly reply to this, and naturally, he couldn't help but respond with it.

"Well given the colour of my coat, I kind of do have brass balls. Haha. Ha..." There was an eternal second of silence.

"...oh. Wel, fair enough then." said Wellington, shrugging and smiling cheerfully. Sunflower relaxed for 1/1000th of a second before the volcanic chef was right in his face again. "But if you doze off again in my kitchen I’ll flush you down that toilet myself. Got it?”

“Yes chef! Sorry chef!” cried Sunflower, his gangly legs twisting around as his body moved automatically towards the door, carried along by sheer terror. Snorting, Chef Wellington moved on to find another target.

=====================================================================

There were no words for the relief that Twilight experienced when she felt herself being dropped into some sort of cool liquid. For a few brief seconds, her delicate underside had felt as if it was being cooked alive! It was hard to tell exactly what had happened. She had woken up to the terrible heat after her dream with Luna, and then she experienced the scariest few seconds of her entire time as a disembodied brain. The only explanation for what had happened was that she had somehow ended up in a fire, or perhaps the kitchen. Exactly how was beyond her understanding a this point; she was just thankful to be safe now.

Although that did raise the question: where was she now? And how did she get here? Had some kindly soul put her in a sink, or perhaps a basin of water, to ease her suffering? Suddenly her spirits soared. Of course! Somepony must have recognised her as the missing brain of Twilight Sparkle! And now they had put her in a nice, moist place to relax until they could find her body! It all made sense now. Why, the next thing she felt would be a nice pair of hands, or perhaps the safe, warm glow of magic, to bring her back into her own head. All she had to do now was wait.

As she floated happily on the surface of the water, Twilight suddenly felt the water start to move. It was sucking her downwards! She wondered what could possibly be happening now as she felt herself become fully submerged in the rushing waterflow. When she felt herself getting squeezed into a pipe, the true nature of her current, and very soon to be former, location dawned across her horrified mind. Even though she had no ears, she still swore she heard the damning sound of a toilet flushing her down, down, down….

===================================================================================================

As the sound of the flush reverberate out of the bathroom, the royal sisters walked right on path it down the corridor, paying no heed to the frankly unnoticed sound. They had much more important things to worry about.

“I searched both the loft and where any waste is sent, but neither I nor anypony else found what we were looking for.” Said Celestia, her face grim. The two alicorns walked side to side, taking up most of the hallway with their unusually large frames Celestia, having been woken during the night by her alarmed sister, was wearing her purple dressing gown. They talked animatedly, comparing their stories.

“I have ordered my night staff to search in areas likely to have rat nests.” Said Luna. She would glance from side to side on occasion, as if expecting to see a rat carrying a brain at any moment. Celestia sighed in a clearly irritated manner.

“We should have had these rats removed years ago.” She said.

“I think they have a quiet nobility about them, personally.” Replied Luna. She coughed. “Of course they are clearly in the wrong in this instance, but still. They add character to a castle.”

“And now they eat brains, apparently.”

“As I said, they’ve made mistakes. I can sympathise with that.” Said Luna. “With any luck we will have found Twilight Sparkle by the morn.”

“I hope so, dear sister. It has been far too long since she had been seen in public, and I cannot keep falling back on feeble excuses. If we don’t find her tonight, I will have no choice but to activate my back-up plan to keep ponies calm.”

“Oh?” said Luna, curious. “And what is this plan?”

“We still have her body. All we need is a brain.” Observed Celestia. They paused by the kitchen doors, peering in at the chaos inside as the cooks prepared Luna’s “lunch”, which she had every night during what she would see as the early part of her day. Both of the alicorn’s eyes were drawn to the unopened fridge to the left of the room.

“Ah, I see what you mean, Celestia.” Said Luna, nodding. “A stand-in brain, if you will. Hmm…but who?” she asked. “To impersonate a princess so publically? For who knows how long? It is not an enviable task.”

“You’re quite right,” continued Celestia, stroking her chin thoughtfully. “It would need to be someone with experience performing. Someone who won’t be missed.” A small smile appeared on the ebony alicorn’s lips. “And I think I know just the mare to help us.”

Chrysalis, Cadance, Crystal and Cock-Fu

The princess lay still on the mattress, breathing gently, before rising with a gasp. She looked around for a few seconds, shaking her head and waving that magnificent blue mane about, before she stopped and lowered her head. Princess Luna let out a groan. Her heart was heavy with anxiety. She would need to speak to her sister about this. She rose from the bed and strolled over to the window. Sweat glistened on the midnight fur of her nude body. She was tired, more so than usual. Her hands gripped the windowsill as she stared out at the night sky.

“Twilight Sparkle…” she said, in a throaty half-whisper. With the luxury of privacy, she allowed her face to betray some of her worry as she rubbed her throbbing temples. But it was a momentary lapse of strength. Luna straightened up. She would not submit to self-pity while a fellow princess needed her help. The alicorn strolled out of her chambers, and headed for the royal balcony.

Celestia was already waiting for her, standing with her hands clasped behind her back as she surveyed their kingdom. She was already dressed in her royal regalia. The elder sister turned her head as Luna greeted her.

“You are early today, Celestia.” Said the princess of the night, moving towards the balcony and leaning her hands on it. Celestia tutted.

“Luna, will you ever pick on my subtle suggestions that you start wearing clothes around the palace?” she said, running a hand down her sisters back. Luna looked down at herself, then shrugged. This subdued reaction did not go unnoticed, and Celestia immediately dropped the subject in favour of more pressing matters. “Twilight?”

“I cannot communicate with her. I have put all of my energy into the task, but it is impossible.” Luna looked up. Celestia’s face was passive, but Luna could pick up the subtle glints in those purple eyes, and quickly reassured her sister. “She lives still. I can…oh, it is hard to explain to one who does not dreamwalk as I do.” The princess gestured vaguely with her hands. “I am aware of her presence, and that she dreams still. But it is like a shadow on a wall, rather than a window I can pass through.”

“Ah. Perhaps her brain has become damaged over time? It has been…how long now? More than a month?”

“Yes, much to my shame. We searched the rivers for days, and found nothing.” Luna rested her head on the balcony, sighing deeply. “Trixie repots no new developments in Ponyville, meaning she has not found her way back to the castle, either. Our leads into Twilight Sparkle’s whereabouts dwindle every day. I am starting to wonder if her recovery is at all realistic.” Her voice was low and quiet. She stared up at the darkened sky, not saying any more. Then she felt a hand on her shoulder.

“Yet we will continue to look.” Said Celestia, her horn glowing. They watched as Luna’s cream-white moon sank below the horizon, and in its place rose a golden sun.Light returned to Equestria, bathing the two sisters in the life-giving glow of the sun. “The night is darkest before the dawn. We both know this.”Luna straightened up, feeling resolve return to her body.

“You… yes. You are correct. As always, Tia.” she said, embracing her sister tightly. “I must rest. Dreamwalking will not serve me now; I must take more proactive measures.”

“In the meantime, I will do what I can to gather information.” said Celestia. “We may have to expand the reach of our search. While Twilight cannot travel far on her own power, it’s not impossible that she may have inadvertently been carried off by some creature.” Luna paused as she went to exit. Visions of Twilight’s brain being carried over a waterfall filled her own mind, and she shuddered. But what Celestia was saying did have a ring of truth about it, and might explain why their searches had all ended up in dead ends. She wondered how far a simple, helpless brain could travel…

====================================================================================

In the vast icy plains of the frozen north, lying near a set of train tracks, a single jar lay half buried in the snow. It had been dislodged from a box that had fallen out of a passing cargo train after an unexpected stoppage; some new hire had opened the sidedoor to get some fresh air at exactly the wrong time, and had apparently missed the single box that had fallen out.The contents were multi-coloured, like a liquid rainbow, thick and viscous looking. Most eyes would miss it entirely unless they were standing directly on top of it. If it had been actively snowing then no doubt it would have been buried entirely. As it was, the lid and some of the rainbow-filling were visible, poking out like a mole surveying the world above its home.

Inside this jar, Twilight Sparkle wondered why the subtle sensation of movement had stopped. She had by now gotten used to the feeling of being submerged in…whatever it was that she had been submerged in. Something warm that made her feel oddly energetic, which made Twilight consider that she was in something high in caffeine. Her mind had been racing for a while now, unable to focus on any one thought for more than a few minutes before she changed tracks. At the very least it was keeping her distracted from negative thoughts on her own situation for a while.

“I hope we get moving again soon!” she thought to herself, alone in the middle of a frozen field in the middle of nowhere. Her brain barely resembled a brain at all at this point after losing bits and pieces over the course of her journey. It twitched and jostled in the jar as her train of thought ran wild. “I wonder where I was going? Ooh, was I on a train? A boat! No, a train. Maybe I’m in Appleloosa. Yee-hah! Braeburn might find me! I might end up getting eaten by mistake though. I wonder what I taste like? I like pancakes. I wonder how Pinkie’s doing? I…”

Meanwhile, up above her, there was the sound of beating wings. Not the steady and graceful flap of birds, but the frantic buzzing of an insect…

=====================================================================================

High above her, a swarm of black flying creatures appeared. They were passing overhead, and seemed not to notice anything amiss, when suddenly the a few black shapes detached themselves from the horde, and landed in the snow. Four changelings now stood in the snow, gathering next to the box that had been carrying a shipment of zap-apple jam, and which now lay on its side with the contents either broken or scattered. One of the changelings was quite a bit bigger than the others, and she paced around impatiently in the snow, looking around like a hound that had caught a particularly delicious scent.

“Where is she? I can practically smell her…” said Queen Chrysalis, as she squatted down on the snow and raked about some fallen jars. She was dressed in armor made for battle, all sleek black plates around her torso , arms and legs. The only unarmoured part of her was, of course, her crotch. The ancient art of Cock-Fu was, of course, known to a being as old and warlike as her. A large armoured dong was currently coiled on the snow like an extremely aggressive snake, as she squatted on the ground, looking around eagerly for the prize she had just unexpectedly sensed.

Chrysalis dug a steel-clad foot around, and it clattered into one half-buried jar of jam. She paused, moving closer to it and lifting it out of the snow with her bare hands; she was rather good at handling the cold on account of her chitin. The jar was swiftly relieved of its lid, which was thrown away like a terrible Frisbee. The changeling queen made a face as she stuck her hand into the jam, but then a look of curiosity overcame her, as those black fingers felt something very strange indeed. She grabbed it, digging her digits into the squishy object, and dragged it out. After wiping the jam off on a nearby changeling minion, she inspected it.

“A… brain.” She said, flatly, as she felt it to her face. “I believe. It’s hard to say… “ she shook it a few times. It was hard to believe that it was the brain of a still-living creature. But her sense for love never failed her, and she knew that spoiled, meddling princesses scent when she smelled it. It was known that alicorns were hard to kill. How the brain of Twilight Sparkle had ended up degraded and abandoned was something she could not know. But now that she had it…

She tapped the messy glob of neurons with her horn, concentrating. The organ glowed slightly as the changeling magic started to slowly repair it. The restoration was far from being complete; Twilight’s brain merely went from looking like some sort of poisonous fungus to looking like an actual brain, albeit one with a few more holes in it than normal. It was also still missing the brain-stem, a deliberate choice on the part of the changeling queen. She giggled as she held it up, nodding at her work.

“It’s a shame she can’t hear me like this, but no matter. I’ll fix that soon enough.” There was a green flash as Chrysalis used her shapeshifting powers in a rather more creative way than usual. Not only could she change into other beings, or inanimate objects if she had to, but the queen could even change her very shape, with certain limitations of course. She had once tried to replace her four limbs and her cock with massive blades.Talking about this in the hive was now strictly punished. In any case, her transformation here was somewhat less ambitious. The lanky, insidious looking woman looked mostly the same, except that the top of her head had been removed, and was apparently empty. Of course, her brain had merely been relocated somewhere else, to allow herself the opportunity to place Twilight Sparkle in her head. She did so, then paused… before laughing out loud.

“Aha! I knew it was you. Welcome, Twilight Sparkle.” Chrysalis grinned, her eyes trying to look up at the pony brain now resting in her skull cavity, clearly having some sort of mental conversation with her new captive. “Yes, yes, I’m sure this is all very confusing to you. I can’t say I understand why or how you ended up in my possession. But believe me when I say that you are.” As she spoke, she reached a hand up and waved it in front of her eyes. The she quickly jabbed a finger into the newly-healed lobes. Her minions looked on passively as their monarch laughed again. They had no idea what was going on, but she looked like she was having fun, so they all took the opportunity to have a big group Evil Laugh.

“Oh, that’s a good question.” Said Chrysalis, as this conversation continued. “I healed you just enough that you’d be able to function, but not enough that you’dbe able to, say, take control of my body. That just wouldn’t do. This way, I get to gloat to my hearts content, and you can watch as I conquer that pathetic “Empire” your darling brother and sister-in-law rule over!” She cackled, wings flittering as she prepared to take off again, the rest of her horde waiting in the sky. “After that, who knows. Maybe I’ll keep you around. Or maybe I’ll feed you to a bear. Oooh, or your family! I like that idea…”
The queen flew off, her minions right behind her .The only sign that there had ever been life there were the footprints left in the snow.

============================================================================================

The Crystal Empire was used to dealing with insidious threats, plots and surprise attacks. They were somewhat less prepared for Chrysalis to just fly directly at them with an army.

“Damnit, she’s brilliant!” said Shining, as he rushed to dress himself in his armor. “It’sthe last thing we could have expected.”

“Honey, I think we need to talk about our security after this.” replied Princess Cadance, as she prepared to step out onto the balcony, her pink dress flowing as the chill winds blew in through the open doors. Shining hastily put his helmet on and stood beside her.

“Where’s your armor?” asked the stallion, as he tried to get into his “inspiring leader of ponies”character. Cadance shrugged.

“I hate armor. Well, wearing it anyway. I’ll be fine.”

“What?! But-“

“Honey, I’m am alicorn, remember?” Cadance leaned in and gave her husband a quick peck on the lips. “Trust me.” She said. The two looked each other in the eyes, smiling warmly, and feeling the overwhelming power of love flood through their bodies. Then they stepped through the doors to the balcony. On the ground beneath, the assembled Empire Guard awaited instructions. The black swarm approached behind them. Cadance let Shining take the lead on the military side of things, as the dashing commander barked out strategies. The princess’s horn started to glow…

Meanwhile, high above, another princess had quite a different perspective on things. Twilight was still amazed to be experiencing any sort of perspective at all, having gone more than a month completely blind. Now she could see the beautiful Crystal Empire in all of its glory lying before her, as she zoomed towards it. While this would usually have been a joyful experience, she had quickly grasped her current predicament. She was staring out through the eyes of quite possibly her least favourite individual in the known universe, and said individual was about to launch a surprise assault on the Crystal Empire. She’d have a front row ticket to the carnage.

“I hope you’re paying attention, Princess Twilight Sparkle.” sneered the voice of Chrysalis herself. “Look well upon the faces of your friends and family, as I crush them!” There was sudden lurch as Chrysalis lead the first attack, dive-bombing downwards towards the ground, with her minions following. Before them, a squad of Crystal Guards were flying straight for them. In the city itself, beneath the central looming castle, were the non-pegasi guards, Shining front and centre. Cadence remained on the balcony overlooking the action, a surprisingly risky move… was she planning something? Just as she had that thought, Twilight saw something bright approaching at speed out the corner of “her” eyes. Chrysalis saw it too.

“What the-“

A countless barrage of what could only be described as pink magic missles slammed into the host of changelings from both flanks. Twilight could see a good number of the horde get knocked clean out of the sky. As the changelings looks around in confusion, the main forces of the guard smashed into the front. Chrysalis herself was knocked off balance, and Twilight’s field of vision went haywire as her host span around in mid-air. There was a furious series of hisses and clicks from the queen as she settled on the ground in front of the main Crystal Guards, who set themselves before her.

“Scoundrels! To use cowardly tactics like that…” she said, seething. “I’ll rip that goody-two shoes princess in half for this!”

“Using tactics is not cowardly. I thought you were meant to be an evil genius?” replied Twilight. “Did you just get rid of your brain entirely to fit me in here?”

“SILENCE!”

Green energy shot out from just above Twilight’s field of vision, as Chrysalis mounted her counter-attack, with smaller changelings swooping down to join the melee. Even with her forces depleted, there was no denying that the queen herself was a formidable opponent. The pony brain in her head mentally winced as she witnessed several brave guards fall out of the sky, and she hoped that they landed safely. Chrysalis thought with almost demonic fury, until eventually she cut a path through to the general of the guards.

“Shining!” thought Twi, caught between wanting her brother to win and fearing for his safety. Chrysalis cackled madly.

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle,behold as I show you my true power!”

“Uh, actually, I’m Shining Armor, her brother.” said Shining, who was understandably confused by this remark. “You know, the stallion you brainwashed that one time? Geez, don’t tell me you don’t even recognize me…” His complaint was cut short as Chrysalis’s weapon began to reveal itself. She continued to cackle as she grew erect, her black cock rising ominously, already drooling with anticipation from the tip.

“Ah, remember this, Shiney?” she asked, fluttering her eyelashes at the unicorn. “On our wedding night…”

“You do remember!” he said, smiling, before shaking his head and frowning. “I mean, you’ll never get away with this!” He fired a bolt of magic at her, which was easily dodged. Twilight metaphorically bit her lip. Shining was a wonderfully gifted defensive magic user, but Chrysalis was going to be using a form of attack rarely seen in Equestria these days. Would he know how to counter it? As she worried, Chrysalis attacked, lunging forward and swiping at her brother’s head. He ducked, but a nearby guard wasn’t so lucky. The sleek cockhead smashed his helmet off, and before he could recover, it had wormed its way inside his hear. Twilight could only watch with a mixture of horror and odd curiosity as the guard’s face went from hurt, to surprise, to fear, and then slack, as the changeling superweapon extracted his very brain from his head, gulping it down. Twilight couldn’t see it, but there was even a visible bulge as the unfortunate guard’s mind was swallowed up by that monstrous appendage.

“W-what was that?!” She thought, as the guard slumped over and began to droll onto his shiny armour next to Shining. “Princess Celestia and Princess Luna told me about Cock-Fu, but they never mentioned anything like that before!”

“Hmph! Typical. Those two have always been so uncreative.” Said Chysalis out loud as she sized up her opponent. The remaining combatants had formed a natural circle around them, changelings and crystal ponies caught up in their own battles, paying this importat duel little heed as they fought for their own well being. Shining Armor cautiously drew a blade, holding it with his magic.

“Ah, he must be going to disable Chyrsalis’s main weapon!” thought Twilight. Then she gasped. “Oh, no, don’t listen to that!”

“Too late!” said Chrysalis, not so much dodging Shining’s swing as simply sliding away. Twilight wanted to scream. How could she help like this?! There were a few more exchanges between the two, but it was obvious that Shining was being toyed with, Chrysalis appearing relaxed while the unicorn began to tire. Desperate, Shining launched his sword straight at his opponent’s face like a projectile, causing Twilight to flinch a little-she really would rather that Shining avoided attacking Chysalis’s head, for obvious reasons.

The changeling queen ducked out of the way of the strike, and saw that Shining was now charging towards her, hoping to catch her off guard. The black sack hanging freely outside of her armor gurgled for a second, and then a projectile of her own shot out of her cock. A rather damp brain sailed through the air and smacked Shining in the face with enough force that he practically did a somersault, landing on his hands and knees next to his sword.

“Leave him alone!” cried Twilight, silently, in her cranial prison, as her brother grabbed his weapon and tried to rise. But she could only watch as Chrsalis waggled her hips and knocked the blade straight out of his hands with contemptuous ease. Shining’s horn immediately lit up, but before he could let off a spell, that dreaded weaponized genital swung back round again and collided with this chest, knocking the wind right out of him and even leaving a dent in his breastplate. He landed on his back, wheezing, as Chrysalis stood over him. His helmet was whipped off with magic, thrown off into the crowd where, by complete accident, it bonked a crystal guard on the head. Twilight closed her eyes…then realized: “Hang on, I’ve closed my eyes!”

“Urgh,Sparkle! Stop that!” cried Chrysalis. There was a strange zapping sound as the changeling queen’s eyes struggled behind closed lids. When they opened again, all they seen was a brief pink flash where Shining had one been. Chrysalis whipped her head up to see the limp unicorn being lifted up, up, up towards a balcony, on which stood the other royal figure present for the battle. “Irritating little insects!”

“Wait, aren’t you all-“

“I dare you to complete that thought, Twilight Sparkle.”
“…Never mind, as you were. Hehe...heh..”

===========================================================================================

Cadance tended to her wounded husband on the balcony. He looked up at her, raising a tired hand to her face.

“Cadance…did we…win?” he asked, in a quiet voice. Princess Cadance looked down at him, reaching her own fair hand down. The smacked him on the back of his head.

“Charging head first at the biggest threat to Equestrian freedom?! I thought you went to military school?!” She said, as Shining bit his lip and chuckled nervously. She carried him towards their bed, but no sooner had she laid him down than she sensed the newcomer who had just flown onto the balcony. She turned to greet her guest.

“Chrysalis. We meet again.” She said, serenely, her dress waving and shifting subtly. The dreaded changeling queen performed an exaggerated curtsy.

“I do apologise for showing up without warning like this.” she said, teeth gleaming. “But it’s been so long since I saw you,I just had to drop by.” Her snake-like cock pointed at the alicorn, who stood steadfast. Cadance’s horn glowed, and in an instant her dress had been removed, leaving her completely nude. Her member, which had previously been hiding unseen behind her silken dress, rose to the challenge. It was aimed right back at her aggressor as she placed herself between Chrysalis and her wounded husband.

“Time to put those lessons from Celestia to good use!” she said. Chrysalis just laughed.

“Oh, this is much, much better, when they actually put up a fight.” she said, before lunging forward. There was a very loud slapping sound as their two dicks smashed against each other, then again and again. Every attack by Chrysalis was blocked or parried by Cadance as they fought. Framed photographs were smashed, flower pots shattered; the destructive nature of Cock-Fu meant that the room was quickly torn apart.

The two giant cocks, now slightly bruised, collided and stayed locked together. Both combatants gritted their teeth, neither wanting to show any signs of weakness as they stared at each other, separated only by their own duelling dicks.

“I won’t let you win…” said Cadance, sweating slightly, her usually pristine mane slightly askew. Chrysalis was showing signs of fatigue for the first time that day.

“Celestia has taught you well.” Said the changeling, panting slightly. “But I know one thing she won’t have taught you.”

“Oh.. yeah?” replied Cadance. Then she princess yelped as she felt two strong hands gripping her shaft! She dared not move, lest she break her guard and open herself up for attack, but as Chrysalis began to work her hands up and down, she realised that she had to act soon, or soon her weapon would be flaccid and useless!

The situation looked dire. Cadance looked straight into Chrysalis eyes as the wicked queen slide those smooth hands up and down the alicorn’s dark-pink cock. Then, bizarrely, the began to slide to sides; one eye started to stare up to the right, while the other looked in the opposite direction, down to the left. For a second Cadance was treated to the sight of Queen Chrysalis leering at her while cross-eyed. Then she blinked.

“Urgh. Sparkle!” she said suddenly, letting go of her opponents cock so that she could slap herself on the forehead a few times to try and fix this issue. “Nrgh…”the cock deadlock was broken, and both of them fell backwards, Cadance clattering into a table and some chairs while Chyrsalis nearly rolled right out of the room and onto the balcony. The two mares took the time apart to get their breath back, slowly getting to their feet. When she looked over the balcony, Chrysalis could see that her forces were getting overwhelmed without her there to guide them. The attack at the start had proven to be more damaging than she had thought, both in terms of morale and number.

“Bah.” She said, shaking her head and making sure her eyes were working as intended once more. “Well, so much for conquering the Crystal Empire…”

“You’re giving up?” asked Cadance, genuinely surprised at Chrysalis’s comment. The proud queen stood up straight, but her head was bowed, and even her mighty dick seemed to sag a little.Behind her, the clanging and cries of battle were ringing out, although most of the former seemed to be coming from the changelings. Celestia’s sun was still high in the sky, and a long black shadow spilled out into the bedroom.

“I…”

There was a green flash, momentarily blinding Cadance. She felt something rush past her, and when she opened her eyes again, Chrysalis was standing with Shining, holding her cockhead to his ear. “I’ll just have to settle for good old fashioned revenge instead! Bahahaha-ooft!”She was interrupted mid-gloat by an elbow in the ribs from Shining. Chrysalis spent a few moments wrestling the still-exhausted stallion into submission, but by the time she had her penis in his ear again, Cadance had placed the tip of her own shaft inside Chrsyalis’s ear. The three ponies stood there, engaged in yet another standstill. Despite the weapon cocked and ready in her ear, Chrysalis seemed to find this situation amusing.

“Oh, no, please not that.” She said, in a mocking tone. “I would just hate if you were to fire off a shot and eject the brain in there…”

“Don’t toy with me, Chrysalis! Let him go or I’ll do so much worse than that!”

“Yeah, that. Do that, please.” Said Shining, who had been forced onto his knees, hands held behind his back with magic as she felt the weight of his enemy’s cock pressing against the side-entrance to his skull. Her balls rested on his shoulder, or rather, they enveloped it. Cadance couldn’t believe how calm she was-wasn’t she worried at all about the threat of the Ultimate Technique of Cock-Fu? Or did she just have nerves of steel? Well, she was in for a surprise. Cadance had her own spin on that move…

Both her and Cadance would occasionally stroke their own cocks, just enough to keep them in a ready-to-fire state, but not enough to provoke a retaliation. Just as things were getting unbearably tense, or at least tense for the two ponies in the room, the door opened, and a butler leaned his head in.

“Tea?”

This was the trigger that set off the inevitable. Chrysalis pressed her cockhead fully into Shining Armour’s head, and started to suck the poor organ down into her balls. Seeing this, Cadance let out a howl of fury and started to furiously jerk herself off. By the time her husband’s brain was halfway down Chrysalis’s shaft, she had begun to retaliate. Her royal balls churned, and she was soon shooting off a milky volley directly into the changeling’s skull. She looked down at her adversary, who gave her a sadistic grin even as her head was flooded with cum, defiant even now.

But that grin soon disappeared when she saw that Cadance’s horn was glowing. A nearby sock had been levitated, rolled up, and promptly stuffed in her ear. It was acting as a plug, preventing the usual outcome of the Ultimate Technique, which was meant to eject the brain of the opponent. Instead, Chrysalis could feel pressure mounting deep in her skull. She looked up at Cadance, who was still wearing an expression of fury, but now cold and focused in a way that managed to scare even Chrysalis. She tried to escape, and she did manage to pop her member out of Shining’s empty head; he slumped backwards onto the floor, eyes crossed. But Cadance held onto her shoulders with surprising strength, and suddenly it was too late.

“Aaah…Twil-“

The butler, who had politely stepped out of the room when he had determined that tea was not required at this moment, heard a very loud noise, like a cross between a balloon popping and an egg hitting a wall, followed by a splattering of something white an sticky all over the hallway outside the open door. He nimbly stepped over the mess and observed Princess Cadance standing over a prone Shining Armour and-

“Your Highness, your guest appears to be missing her head.” He observed. He noticed that there was rather a lot of the white sticky substance from before spattered around the room and even on his employer’s face. He also noticed both a spiky black horn embedded in the ceiling, and what looked rather like a brain lying in a puddle on the floor.“ Shall I begin to clean this up, Your Highness?”

“… Yes, Mannerly, that would be good of you. Is the battle outside won?”

“As of five minutes ago, Your Highness.”

“Good. Well then.” At this point, a couple of battered, yet victorious looking guards trotted into the room, one almost slipping in the mess that that been made only a minute or so ago. They saluted, then blushed when the registered that the Princess was completely and shameless naked in front of them. Their eyes turned to the side and spotted Shining’s lifeless body. Cadance stepped in quickly to reassure them. “Oh, he’ll be fine, but we need to get him out first.” She said. The bigger of the two guards looked at her inquisitively, and she thought about how best to explain this. She pointed at the prone Changeling queen. “He’s in there. Have a look inside and you’ll see what I mean.”

“….Your Highess?”

“Just do it, corporal, and quickly please. There will be others in there as well. Come fine me when you’re done.” She said. The guard seemed to hesitate, before he and his cohort awkwardly picked up the headless body and carried it away, the snakelike cock dragging along the floor and leaving a sticky trail as she disappeared from view. Mannerly had produced a bucket from somewhere and had magically levitated the soggy brain into it.

“Shall I… dispose of this, Your Highness?” he asked, rattling the bucket as he held it up. Cadance shook her head.

“No, no, I think we’ll be keeping Chrysalis for very long time, actually. I should ask Twilight if she knows how to communicate with brains? She seems like the sort who would know how to do something like that…”

“Oh, that reminds me, Princess, it’ Princess Celestia’s birthday this weekend, and she specifically requested the pleasure of you and your husband’s company.”

“Well, we have our own work to do here in the aftermath of the attack, but all going well, we can be there. It’s always nice to see them.” The pink alicorn clicked her fingers, smiling. “And Twilight will be there too, so that works out nicely! Oh, she’s going to enjoy what I have to tell her about Chrysalis…” She pointed at the brain in the bucket. “Now, take that down and put it somewhere safe for now.”

“Very well, Your Highness.” said Mannerly, bowing and backing out of the room. He carried the bucket down the hallway, the brain inside still covered in Cadance’s cum, stewing away in thoughts that no one could hear…

==============================================================================================

The guards who had been tasked with extracting Shining's brain from its current prison looked at each other, swords drawn.

"So... how are we doing this, exactly? Just slice her sack open? Kinda gross."

"Yeah this is kinda gross. I guess I can....maybe shove my hand down her... no, that doesn't work either." They stood there, thinking it over for a while. Eventually, the bigger of the two crouched down,resigned to having to be the one to act. He went to put the tip of his sword to the middle of the scrotum. Then he dropped his sword,gasped, and fell on his read, crawling backwards.

"Ahhh!"

"What is it-oh, Celestia!"

A pair of green eyes had formed, one on each testicle, staring at them with clear glee. The headless body leapt up, and before they could act, each had been knocked out cold by the changeling's cock, two smack on the head leaving them senseless as they slumped over. Her hand reached up and felt around her slightly frayed neck stump. Good thing that she had stored her brain elsewhere on her body after all, she thought. Not to mentioned her other little back-up plan. Concentrating, her neck stump suddenly shifted into a mouth, and she spoke in a frazzled voice, like a mare in desperate need of a drink of water.

"We lost the battle, but we have a prize after all." she said, patting her balls as if talking to them. And in a way, she was. "The good prince himself. I've missed the change to bring that oh so wonderful body back, but we need to get a brain in that head of his before we leave-it would be suspicious otherwise. So..." she smiled at the unconscious guards, cock rising and springing into action. Two more pony brains were added to her collection-but this time, she gave as well as taking. Two lumps traveled down her cock and into the empty skulls of the guards. It wasn't the most practical of techniques for infiltrating pony society, as it required her being on the field, and if you do this sort of thing all day it really takes it out of you. But it was a good way of working around the new anti-changeling magic spells that were staring to pop up...

The "guards" blinked, and stood up. That solved that problem. But she wasn't done yet, the queen concentrating for a moment, making sure she had selected the right brain before groaning and depositing it into the waiting guard's hands. She would need a good, long rest after today.

"Now, go tell that pink doll of a princess that I managed to escape, but only after you successfully extracted Shining Armor fro me." she said, grinning. She looked down at the brain in their hands. "Have fun being a pretty prince, you~"

Author's Note

This chapter will not make much sense unless you've read the original Cock-Fu story, just saying! ~~Oh who am I kidding it doesn't make any sense anyway lol~~

It Is Not Necessarily Better Down Where It's Wetter

Day 18

On the next afternoon, five mares and one dragon were being led by one alicorn to one room.

“Are you sure Twilight’s alright?” Applejack asked the towering form of Princess Celestia, who was setting a brisk pace through the castle corridors. “Cause, and ah don’t mean no offense, but it kinda feels like something bad’s happened.”

“Patience, Applejack. All will be revealed shortly.” Replied Celestia, without turning her majestic head around.

“Kinda didn’t answer mah question…”

“Applejack! Don’t be rude!” said Rarity, slapping the orange mare in the wrist sharply. “I’m sure Twilight is fine.”

“Just sayin’…” muttered AJ, rubbing her wrist. The continued silence of the normally sunny alicorn filled the farm mare with uneasiness. She was a pony who trusted her gut feelings, and her gut was telling her in no uncertain terms that something bad had happened since last time she had saw Twilight. And given that the last time she had saw Twilight she had just had her brain fucked out of her own head...it wasn’t as if she was starting from a place of confidence. Still, she held her tongue for now. Celestia clearly had something to show them, and seemed reluctant to discuss the matter in front of the guards and servants.

Celestia had led them to her personal quarters. She opened the door with her magic and walked right in without breaking stride, and the rest of the group followed her inside. Princess Luna was already there. She was wearing her royal attire and a sombre look, and she nodded her head in greeting at the Elements of Harmony as they entered.

“It is good to see you all again.” She said, although her expression was dour. Her hands were clasped in front of her waist, the fingers twitching occasionally as she fought the urge to start fidgeting and cracking her knuckles. “My sister and I have some news to share.” Hearing this, and seeing her face, Fluttershy put a hand to her face and started to tear up.

“D-did…something happen?” she stammered. This set off a barrage of questions and general panic from the other girls, with Spike foremost amongst them, and Celestia had to raise both her hands and her voice to silence the assembled group.

“Fear not” she said, as the hubbub died down. “I can confirm that Twilight Sparkle is alive and well.”

“Phew!” said Pinkie, wiping her brow, before frowning. “Heeey, that’s one of those comforting statements that isn’t comforting at all!”

“Yeah, what’s going on?” demanded Rainbow. She didn’t quite get in the princesses’ faces, but she stood to the front of her own group and stuck her chest out like an angry bird. “Is this all cause of what happened with Luna and Twilight?”

“No!” cried Luna, before wincing as her sister glared at her. “Well…” she sighed. “Yes. My recklessness is to blame for this.”

“Wait, what happened between Twilight and Luna?” asked Spike, looking confused. “Did they have a fight?”There were shared uncomfortable looks between the Elements. They had elected not to tell Twilight’s teenage dragon assistant about the events of that day, not anticipating that they would ever have to fess up in front of him like this.

“Well, Spike dear,” began Rarity, trying to figure out an artful way of painting the right picture for Spike. “Princess Luna here decided to show off a very special trick she could do…and…”

“Is this a sex thing?”

“Cock-Fu is not a ‘sex thing’, it is a noble art form!” fumed Luna, as Spike shot her a sceptical look. “I was merely demonstratin the correct technique for a particularly difficult manoeuvre”

“Princess Luna stuck her big cock in Twilight’s ear, and then cummed so hard it went flying out the other ear!” explained Pinkie. She looked around at the rest of the room, who looked flustered to varying degrees over this. “Well, ok, it was more like she pressed her dick up to rather than in her ear, but you know what I meant!” Spike now looked more befuddled than anything else. Luna attempted to fumble out further explanations, but Celestia raised a hand to silence her sister.

“I didn’t bring you all here to point fingers.” She said. “Let me continue: To be blunt, we are currently unaware of Twilight’s whereabouts. She has went missing, and we are conducting a thorough search of the castle.”

“And I contact Twilight Sparkle in her dreams, to make sure she is safe.” Added Luna, recovering some of her normal regal demeanour. “Her ability to sense the world around her is greatly diminished, sadly, else I could merely ask her where she is.”

“Well what are we doing standing around here?” asked Rainbow, heading towards the door. “Let’s get looking!” The dark blue alicorn shook her head firmly, her magic holding the door shut.

“Nay, Rainbow Dash; we will attend to this ourselves.” She said, her voice as firm and unyielding as a mountain. “I am to blame-and I will be the one to remedy this situation. I will look Twilight in the eye and apologize for my actions.”

“But we can’t just sit around doing nothing!” protested Spike, his tail raised in frustration. “What are we meant to do in the meantime?!”

“We cannot let the populace believe anything is amiss. Therefore we ask you to carry on as normal, and make sure no rumours spread.” Said Celestia.

“And how are we s’posed to do that when Twilight’s…uh…” Applejack paused mid question, before asking another one. “Where even is her body, anyway?”

“Allow me to answer both of those questions at once.” Said the sun princess. She walked over to a door and knocked on it. “You can come out now.” The door opened, and in walked…

“Twilight?!”

“Greetings!” said Twilight Sparkle. Or at least it seemed like her. She looked virtually identical to the pony who was apparently missing. Everyone gathered around her, goggling at her.

“But…you said…Twilight…” stammered Fluttershy, as “Twilight” grinned. Spike stood there, suspicious. It looked like Twilight alright, but the way she stood seemed subtly off. And that smug grin seemed awfully familiar…

“Twilight’s brain is indeed missing, but her body was always accounted for.” Explained Celestia, standing behind the purple alicorn and putting a hand on her shoulder. “We were able to find a volunteer who agreed to lend her own brain to act as a stand-in, for as long as it takes us to resolve this issue.”

“Really? Who?” asked Rarity. “Twilight” giggled, in a way that seemed rather sinister.

“Oh, someone you know.” She said. “The one person up to the job of impersonating a famous magic user.” Suddenly, it clicked for Spike, and he felt a pit in his stomach as he realised who’s brain had been placed in Twilight’s head. He pointed a claw at the figure. “You’re…”

“Yes, that’s right! But for now you can call me…” Twilight struck a proud pose, hands on her hips, clearly delighted at the situation she was in. “The Great and Powerful Twilight!”

“Don’t actually refer to her as that.” Added Celestia calmly, as the rest of Twilight’s friends cottoned on and readied their outraged responses. “Trixie, I believe we have already made you aware that we will not tolerate any…” the princess searched for an appropriate term. “shenanigans from you. This is an important job. Please reward us for the faith we are putting in you.”

“Oh of course, dear princess-“

“Because if you don’t…” Luna interjected with a growl, glaring at the stand-in Twilight. She said no more, but instead simply lifted her dress slightly, revealing her cock. It hardened in an act of aggression, unfurling and extending further and further downwards. Having learned what had happened to her rival, Trixie quickly got the message, gulping nervously and putting on a brave smile.

“Y-yes, Trixie understands.” She said. Luna continued glaring. “I mean…Twilight understands?”

“Just try not to address yourself in the third-person at all, if you could be so good.” Celestia gave “Twilight” a gentle push, and she stumbled forwards towards “her” friends. None of the other mares looked pleased about this, standing with their arms crossed and staring daggers at Trixie, who at this point was practically sweating buckets.

“So, my er, loyal and forgiving friends, how about we go back to Ponyville and…do whatever it is friends do?” she said. “Because I love friendship. Me, Twilight Sparkle.” She made for the door immediately, shuffling along at speed in her temporary body. The other girls looked to Celestia, who continued to smile with that confident serenity of hers.

“From crisis comes opportunity.” said Celestia. “Trixie could learn great lessons from this.”
“We’ll see.” Muttered Applejack, but she still bowed along with the rest of the group before leaving. At the end of the day, they all trusted in her judgement, although the farm mare was now really, really hoping that they found Twilight soon. With some luck, she might even find Twilight on her way out!

============================================================================================

Twilight felt very, very wet. She had felt this way for quite a while now, actually, although it was getting harder and harder for her to keep track of time in any sort of meaningful way. The only way she really had of marking the time was whenever she fell asleep and met with Luna, and even then, it was difficult to fully recall her dreams. She had met with the Princess of the night about two, maybe three times? It was so hard to remember. Her mind felt like mush. If things kept going the way they had been that would probably be a literal statement in short order.

Twilight had been pretty sure that she had been floating around in the sewers for at least a day, which was not the most pleasant thought, and she had informed Luna of her suspicions the previous night. The Canterlot waterways were long and treacherous, spreading down into the mountain on which the castle was built and leading out into the sea But now…things felt a little more open ended, and she was spending less time bumping into walls and such. And if that was true, then she must have been flushed out into the river. And if that was true...

“I’m going home!” she thought to herself, happily. The river would run all the way through Ponyville. If she was lucky-and she was due a bit of luck, surely-somepony would see her floating down the river and pick her up, at which point her friends would no doubt realize it was her. This thought cheered up the worn out little brain immensely as she floated on the current of the water. All she had to do now was wait, and in the meantime, enjoy a leisurely cruise through the river. Sun on her lobes, breeze on…the same lobes, fish nibbling at her underside. Ah yes, this was the life…

Twilight realized that one of those things she had listed was not, in fact, ideal. There were fish biting at her soft, wet brainflesh! Admittedly it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as when the rats had been doing it earlier, but still, losing a little more of her grey matter was unfortunate. She could only hope that she tasted bad to fish and that they would leave her alone for the rest of her journey home. It’s not like fish liked meat, right?
Unfortunately, while she was right that fish did not enjoy meat, she did not take into consideration that fish are very stupid, and that there were a lot of them. The next 30 minutes or so was filled with tiny little bites from her water-dwelling tormentors, with some fish following her around and taking repeated bites before remembering that no, brain bad taste do, fish no like. Twilight made a mental note to go fishing here at some point as a means of payback. “Yeah, bet you’d like that, wouldn’t you, you stupid fish!” she thought to herself. “Not so tough when there’s a hook sticking out of yourrsernsonfogoeg-“

At this exact moment, by virtue of the laws of irony, a fishing hook pierced Twilight’s frontal lobe.The fish that had gathered around her scattered as the bundle of nerves twitched, before getting dragged towards the riverbank and hoisted into the air.

“Ah got something!” said a young voice that went unheard by Twilight, who’s thoughts were getting scrambled up like her mind had been put in a blender. “It’s…uh…”

“What the heck kinda fish is that?” asked another voice.

“Oooh, is it a pufferfish maybe?” added a third.

“It’s clearly a brainfish!”

“Applebloom there’s no such thing as a brainfish. You made that up!”

“Well whatever it is, it looks kinda gross. Just throw it back into the river and catch a real fish.”

“Yeah, I am not eating that thing.”

“Alright, alright!”

The brain was quickly cast back into the river, the hook being torn out of the frontal lobes and leaving a large tear, with some bits of grey matter sticking to the hook. Not that Twilight felt anything for at least another 5 minutes, maybe ten. It was like getting an electric shock. Surviving otherwise lethal damage was of course a welcome perk for alicorns, but that didn’t mean that she didn’t feel anything from it. Still, thought Twilight after she finally recovered most of her mental processes, at least the fish had went away. Now surely she would be home and dry soon enough!

Suddenly, Twilight felt a new sensation around behind the back of her brain. It was different from the fish, like something brushing against her. Something long and hard, and not in a good way. Twilight tried to think about what else could be lurking in the waters of the Ponyville river…and then gasped, at least mentally. Of course. How could she have forgotten! Twilight felt another forceful prod on the base of her stem, causing her lobes to jiggle like jelly. This was clearly the work of the famous Ponyville River Crab!

The little brain quivered with a mixture of fear and simply physics as she was continually probed by the creature’s claw. Her options were essentially limited to “play dead”, a tactic that had so far brought her absolutely no success whatsoever since getting disembodied all that time ago (it felt like a millennia since she had been in a body). Twilight was entirely at the crab’s mercy.

“Hehe...nice Mr Crabby!” thought Twilight. She cast her mind back to all those delicious crabs legs she had enjoyed with her friends over the last few years. Was this karma? Was this not just a crab, but some holy crab-warrior sent to avenge its comrades? Had her brain taken so much damage that she was now thinking of a crab as some sort of mythical crustacean vigilante? All these questions and more were sidelined when she suddenly felt those claws close around the base of her brainstem.

“No, wait, sto-“

SNIP

=================================================================================================

From the moment they had left Celestia’s room to when they had gotten off the train at Ponyvile, Spike had been staring a hole into Trixie’s very soul. The gangly teenage dragon was practically blowing steam out of his nose, such was his displeasure at this current course of events. Trixie wasn’t sure what his problem was, to be frank. Honestly, you turn somepony into a basketball and then dunk them just once and they never let it go.

Also there was the time she had set an Ursa Major on the town, and then enslaved everpony that other time. Trixie was not suggesting that she was perfect. But everypony makes mistakes, right?

“Oh hello, Twilight! You’re back!”

A cheery purple earth mare had spotted the group and was now waving at Trixie. She turned her head.

“Hello…you!” Said Trixie, putting on a big genuine smile just like she had taught herself to in the mirror while waiting in Celestia’s private bathroom. “It’s good to see you!”

“Thanks, and same to you, Princess Twilight!” said the mare, before walking off. Trixie felt her heart nearly bust out of her chest. That mare had just called her princess. Before she woudn’t have merited so much as a hello, and now ponies were going to be fawning all over her! She giggled softly to herself, but then stopped as she felt one of the girls kick her in the shins.

“Stop doing an evil laugh, “Twilight”, jeez!” hissed Rainbow. “Just laugh like a normal pony.”

“That was a normal laugh, honest!” protested Trixie. “Right?” The rest of the girls all shook their heads. Hmm, she would have to work on that, clearly. Trixie began to dwell on her new status as they continued to walk down towards the castle, approaching a bridge going across the river. Yes, that’s right, a castle. Her castle, at least until that blithering stuck up fool Twilight was found. Trixie would have to milk this for all that it was worth. Nothing too extravagant of course, she had been well warned by the royal sisters. But there would be plenty of time spent wafting in the rarefied air of princesshood, soaking in the love and adulation of her subjects, eating for a royal discount at restaurants, and whatever other benefits Twilight presumably enjoyed daily. And of course, there were…other extras…

“Applebloom, get away from those crabs!”

Just as they were about to cross the bridge, Trixie turned around to see Applejack yelling out and sprinting away up the riverbank towards somepony in the distance, with the other girls either looking on or rushing to help. At the same time, Trixie felt her foot step in something very squishy.She looked down. She had trodden on something round, wrinkly and greyish pink, her foot flattening it out almost entirely. The more sthe stared at it, the more Trixie thought about how it looked rather like a brain. She goggled at this, her naturally paranoid mind immediately assuming the worse case scenario: that this was Twilight Sparkle.

It certainly looked like a brain that bad been through some bad times. There were tiny holes peppered all around the surface, the front looked like it had been rubbed on barbed wire, and the stem had been sliced off. It was also soaking wet, as if it had just emerged from the river somehow-perhaps swept ashore by the current. Trixie’ eyes wandered up towards the distant figure of Canterlot Castle, high up on the mountain, connected by the river. The pieces definitely fit, but her mind began to work quickly. Trixie was not always the smartest pony, but she had her moments of low cunning. And she knew one thing: she was absolutely not ready to give up her new leash on life before it had even begun.

Thinking quickly, she gave the sodden brain a swift, but subtle boot, sending it splashing back into the water. It disappeared under the bridge and away from her and the rest of the group, who were now coming back from the opposite direction along with three younger fillies.

“Sweetie, fishing for crabs is dangerous work. Why the could snip your little fingers right off!” tutted Rarity, making a scissor had gesture for emphasis. “Snip snip snip!”

“Sorry, Rarity, we just wanted to catch any sort fish, really!” replied the white filly.

“Yeah, those crabs just kinda came out of nowhere!” insisted her orange-coated friend, who then spotted Trixie loitering by the bridge. “Oh hey Twilight!”

“H-hello, filly who I definitely know.”said Trixie, chosing to stay where she was. “Sorry for not coming over, I just…stubbed my toe on the bridge! Oh, ouch!” Trixie bent over and rubbed her toe. “I hope you’re all…well?”

“They are. The lucky things.” Said Applejack, shaking her head. “Think ah’m gonna take the little one home ‘fore she get up to any more mischief.”

“Yes, a fine idea Applejack. I will do likewise.” Agreed Rarity, taking her little sisters hand. “Will you be heading home now, Twilight?” she asked Trixie. Seeing an opportunity to escape socialising with her “friends”, Trixie redoubled her toe massage, wincing.

“Yes, I suppose I better go back to the incredible crystal castle that I sleep in every night. To rest in.” She blinked as everyone stared at her. “Well…nice talking to you, bye!” Everyone watched her go, some of the adults groaning audibly.

“Huh, she runs fast for someone who just stubbed their toe…” said Scootaloo, scratching her head. “But I’m glad that Twilight’s back!”

“Yeah.” Muttered Spike, walking over the bridge and after her. “I’m so happy.”

================================================================================

Winston was a good boy. He knew this this to be true because the nice yellow pegasus had told him so. Winston liked to be a good boy for her. She would give him yummies and pet him and scratch behind his ears, which felt very good indeed, and then he would go home to live in the forest. Winston was something of a lone wolf usually, which is to say that he was literally a lone wolf. But she was such a nice pony mare, he always went to visit her cottage when he was feeling particularly lonely. The brown, unsquishy wolves were not very nice compared to her. They weren’t even good to bite.

Sadly for Winston, the nice yellow pony was not at her cottage when he had visited earlier. He was tempted to eat some of the smaller animals that had been there, but usually when he tried that the nice pony got very sad and worried, and that made Winston feel sad, and she might not give him yums or pets. So he left, and decided to search around the riverbanks for anything tasty or fun that might be around.

It didn’t take the 105 pound grey wolf long to notice something unusual lying near the water’s edge, stuck behind a stray branch. He trotted over to it. There was an odd smell coming from it-like meat, but not quite. Not being a cautious sort, Winston stuck his nuzzle forward and gave it a good sniff, followed by a few tentative licks. He had sniffed and licked an awful lot of things in his time, with a few regrets along the way, but the wolf didn’t know what to make of this new thing. Still, he decided that it could make for a potential tasty treat, or a fun thing to play with at worst.

He opened up his muzzle and bit down gently on the squishy thing. Then he turned tail and trotted off into the woods, tail wagging happily behind him as the sky above started to darken.

============================================================================================

Princess Luna drifted through the realm of dreams, her noble brow furrowed. There was work to be done of course, as always, but right now the princess had a singular goal in mind, and was searching for one pony in particular’s dream. Normally it was easy, but tonight something was different, which worried her. Luna had stumbled through a few unrelated dreams in the process of finding Twilight’s, interrupting what looked like a very pleasant dream of Rarity’s involving herself and what looked like an awful lot of other ponies, before eventually zoning in on Twilight’s own personal headspace. She dived right in.

“What in Equestria…”

The interior of Twilight Sparkle’s mind was a rolling sea of chaos. The sea metaphor was not just poetry, either. Great waves of water rolled around for miles upon miles deep into the horizon, while the sky was full of stormclouds and the roar of a mighty gale. And yet the colours were allwrong-the sea was bright pink, the sky sickly green and the clouds were rich yellow and producing bolts of purple lightning And every now and then the dream seemed to tilt, as though this was all taking place in some seaborne vessel. It was all rather headache-inducing, truth be told, but worse than that, it made Luna even more concerned than she already was about the mental, and perhaps physical state of Twilight’s brain.

“Twilight Sparkle!” shouted Luna into the sea, scanning the pink waves for any sign of the missing princess.”Mark me, Princess Twilight! I, Princess Luna, have come to-“

“Biusfeisenfs! j8ajri [jef8i 0i?”

“Wat”

Luna spun around in a hurry as she tried to locate where that stream of purestrain nonsense had come from. She located her target towards her right. Floating on a tiny raft was Twilight Sparkle herself, but like everything else in this world she too was discoloured. Her fur was bright red, and her mane was entirely white save for an orange streak. The technicoloured pony was wearing a pair of bright white sunglasses and a silver bikini that looked about two sizes too small. Her breasts strained visibly against the fabric of the bikini, wobbling as though with minds of their own, and there was a similar conflict going on between her legs, cock and balls bulging out obscenely against the outmatched panties. Her attired was so skimpy it was as though she had somehow been sunbathing in the middle of the storm. But now she had sat bolt upright, taking her sunglasses off and making eye contact with Luna.

“Are you…is this…” said Luna, descending down towards the raft and gesturing at the bizarre landscape that the two of them were in. “This is all very unlike you, Twilight.”

“8hj9un egu tuan2GGGGGGGGGGIWN “ said Twilight. Luna blinked, the gasped. As a dreamwalker she had seen this sort of thing before. There was a part of the brain that dealt with dreams, and Twilight’s must have been damaged. Direct communication between the two of them would now be practically impossible. Luna tried to assess the damage.

“Can you understand my words?” said Luna, in as gentle a voice as she could manage over the roar of the ocean. Twilight nodded franticly as she sat on the raft, her legs spread out.“Good. That will make this easier. I cannot comprehend your words, but please, nod your head if you think you’re still in the castle!” Instead, the currently bright red Twilight shook her head, before gesturing around her. Luna felt a chill go up her spine.

“Do you mean you are…in the ocean?” she asked. Another shake of the head. “No, that would be very unlikely…the river leading out of Canterlot?” This time there was a nod, although it was a tentative one, followed by a shrug. “You just think you’re there?” asked Luna. Another nod. This was good, at least, narrowing down the list of possible locations. Of course, the river was no place for a brain…

“I see. This is welcome information.” Luna said. “I will inform my night guards immediately, and search the river for you. Our reunion grows closer ever day, Twilight Sparkle-remember that.”Before Luna could leave, she was startled by Twilight leaning in and giving the alicorn a big hug, still muttering her nonsense-speech. Luna realized how isolated she must have felt, and returned the hug, rubbing her hand across Twilight’s back, before she made her exit. “Stay strong as ever, Twilight. I will see you soon!”

Luna woke with a start, sitting bolt upright in her bed and then leaping out altogether. She opened the door to her room and addressed the guards standing outside.

“Assemble the rest of the guard! Tonight we search the rivers!” she boomed, standing as naked as the day she was born, cock pointing upwards to match her dramatically pointing finger. The guards didn’t blink an eye at this-they were used to it by now. They merely nodded and left to find the others. There was work to be done.

===============================================================================
Day 20

Applebloom hummed happily to herself as she made her way up towards Zecora’s hut, the afternoon sun sitting low and lazy in the sky. It was funny to think that she used to feel kinda nervous walking through the forest before. Now she’d taken this trip enough to develop a sort of fearlessness about it. Of course Applejack would still fuss and ask to come along in case anything happened, but Applebloom liked going on her own, feeling like a grown up.

Whenshe knocked on the door of the hut, Zecora’s voice bade her to come in , and Applebloom walked inside. The zebra was standing over her cauldron, adding some sort of ingredient to the pot. She turned and smiled warmly at the filly.

“Ah Applebloom, so nice to see you! Come over here and see this new brew” said Zecora. The yellow-coated filly walked over to the bubbling pot of green potion, resisting the temptation to dip her finger into it.

“Wow, what kinda potion’s this?” she asked. Zecora, dressed in her usual combination of a simple black robe with extravagant jewellery, walked over to the countless pots of ingredients that she had on hand at all times as she explained.

“Ah, just a common remedy. But something else has puzzled me.” she said as she rooted through her jars. “The everfree to me has sent a curious ingredient.” Finding what she was looking for, Zecora picked up a jar filled with a murky, colourful liquid, and then extracted something from within-an ugly looking pale lump. Applebloom walked over and Zecora deposited it in her hands. It felt much warmer than she had expected, but also very wet and spongey. The filly turned it over in her hands, noticing the holes, cuts and other signs of wear and tear.

“The heck is this?” she asked.

“I found it in a patch of ivy. But it’s true nature…totally escapes me.” Confessed the zebra, taking it back off of Applebloom. The farmgirl couldn’t help but think she had seen something like that before...nah, it must have just been her imagination. She would have definitely remembered seeing something that gross. Zecora took the brain over to a nearby surface and produced a knife, before neatly slicing off a sliver from the back of the lump. Then she placed the slice in a bowl before starting to grind it up into a fine powder.

“I will test this plant’s effects through alchemy and other texts” said Zecora, placing the mysterious plant (if it even was a plant) back in the jar she had found it in. “For now though, let’s leave it be. What lessons would you like from me?”

And so Applebloom forgot about that weird ingredient entirely as she began her potion lessons with Zecora. They went on for about 90 minutes, with the wise Zebra giving advice on the proper way to prepare a standard healing potion. Applebloom was getting better at it, but at the end of that day’s particular session her potion ended up a sort of unappealing grey rather than the healthy reddish pink it should have been.

“Gosh, Idunno what ah did wrong!” exclaimed the filly, feeling bad about getting it so badly wrong. Zecora put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Practice is important, Applebloom. Do you try it at home? Perhaps in your room?”

“Well, ah’m sure I can find someplace to practice safely, yeah! Just give me some ingredients and ah’ll get right on it!”

Cheered at her student’s earnest enthusiasm, Zecora gathered up some jars and gave them to Appleblom in a bag, which the farmgirl slung over her shoulder.

“Ok, ah should be heading back now, AJ will start getting worried if I ain’t back for supper, haha.” She said. “Especially now that it’s Zap-Apple jam season. Shoot, ah bet she’ll want help with that actually. Gotta go!”Applebloom quickly said her goodbyes and left the hut, moving briskly through the forest. Zecora watched her go, happy for the visit, before going back to clean up from the lesson.
It wasn’t until a few days later, when she went to make a new healing potion, that Zecora realised she had given Applebloom the wrong jar.

=============================================================================================

Day 21

After going through the usual protracted steps for ensuring the best possible harvest of Zap Apple Jam, Applebloom was in charge of transferring the freshly made jam to the jars, after which they would be taken into town by Applejack to be sold. The jam was getting so popular that there were now buyers from all over Equestria: Manehattan, Appleloosa, and even far to the north in the Crystal Empire. Granny was pretty proud of this; the whole family was, really. Knowing that one of their prized products was so well liked just made them want to make the best Zap Apple Jam they could. Even if it had kinda got in the way of potion practice-Applebloom hadn’t even had a chance to check out the ingredients Zecora had given her.Actually…where had she put them again?

“Applebloom, you still got enough jars for this?” asked Applejack, poking her head into the room.

“Sure do, sis! Just leave me to it!” replied the hard-at-work filly, screwing the top onto her latest jar of jamand setting it alongside the other finished one on the table. Behind her was a series of empty jars, and she reached for one now.

“By the way,” continued Applejack, moving slightly further into the room from her place at the door, “you haven’t seen anything, uh…weird, recently, have ya?”

“What do you mean, sis?” asked Appbloom, her hand settling on a jar and bringing it towards the vat of jam. Applejack took her hat off and rubbed her messy blonde mane.

“Uh, you know. Just like…anything weird.” She said, trying to act casual. “Like when you and yer friends were fishing the other day.”

“Well we caught a weird fish” said Applebloom, her eyes rolling up towards the ceiling as she opened up the jar’s lid, not fully concentrating on what she was doing,or why the apparently empty jar felt a little heavier than it should. “But we just threw it back into the river. It was all pink and lumpy.” Applejack came closer, now visibly worried.

“Ya…ya don’t say.” Said the orange mare, biting her lip.
“Hehe, yeah, it was one weird critter.” Laughed Applelbloom as she started to fill the jar. “Kinda looked like a brain! Which is weird, cause far as ah know, brains don’t really like swimming-hey, where a going, sis?” But Applejack was already gone, sprinting out of the room at full speed. Applebloom looked at the space where her big sister had been, wondering what had gotten her so spooked, before shrugging. She finished filling the jar and put it with the others, every one of them looking exactly like each other. Applebloom smiled at them. She was sure that the would all make somepony really happy!

========================================================================================

Spike delicately turned the page of the comic he was reading as he sat in the spare bedroom, cross legged on the mattress. Usually it was easy to get into the story and lose yourself, but he was finding it kind of hard to concentrate. He didn’t normally wear headphones for this, after all. The music playing in his ears was drowning out almost every other sound in the castle. Almost ever other sound, that is.

“Oooh! Aaaaah! Yes! More! Ahaha!”

Spike winced. It turns out that Trixie had been completely unprepared for dealing with the first time she got a massive boner in her new body, which she had experienced the minute she was alone in her new bedroom last night. Spike honestly didn’t think she had stopped jerking herself off since then. The sounds coming from in there painted pictures in Spike’s brain that he had never wanted to see. At least Twilight had the common courtesy to use a sound-proofing spell when she felt the urge. And now he was essentially looked out of his usual bedroom. There wasn’t a force in all Equestria that could compel him to go in there until she had worked this out of her system.

“Mmmm! Ahh! Eee! My cock feels so good! Mine, mine, mine!”

The dragon sighed and cranked the volume up on the music. He just hoped she was cleaning up in there, because he sure as hell wasn’t gonna. With any luck she’d soon pass out from exhaustion or something, he thought, as he turned to the next page.

“AaaaaAAAAA! AAAH, Aaaaah….ooooh….”

There was a heavy thumping sound from the other room, followed by silence. Spike paused the music.

“…You OK in there?” he shouted. Another pause.

“…just one more…”

“Screw this, I’m going over to Rarity’s”