weed

by C0LT_FILEOPENER

Rating: mature
Tags: Profanity, Princess Celestia, Narcotics, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1070

a story about wed because be honest with me here who tf doesn't like wed. even celestia, everyone's god likes it.

Celestia smokes weed to stabilize her mentality so she doesn't flatout kill ponies in the street and eat their bodies. Also, she's at a party.
One apple a day keeps the doctor away.
But can an apple instantly make you the funniest mofo at a party no questions asked?
(Yeah. Didn't think so.)

Also, please fucking die. That is all. Enjoy my story, and then die, I guess. I dunno. You do you.

Published 2018-01-19 05:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-19 05:20:06 UTC

ooOOf

Celestia moved beautifully across the floor, her dress obsessively catching the light and flickering it across the room like a ping pong ball. She was literally a walking disco-ball, and she wasn't quite proud of it.

The party was a huge success, and plenty of ponies were enjoying it.

Everyone but her, and maybe Luna. Luna ignores parties, she's usually the one to be sleeping through the party and not talking to anyone.

As for Celestia, she just was terrible at telling jokes. It wasn't like anyone held it against her, but everyone knew she was just terrible at it.

Celestia walking around shooting colorful lights around the room like the fucking SUN wasn't helping either. Ponies next to her knew they were her bottom bitches, so they all sucked up to her and went with what she had to say. Even if she had nothing to say at all.

"Hey, princess. It's uh, been awhile." Some random guy would say, waddling up to her nervously. And the funny thing would be, is that Celestia would try to evade any conversation possible because she wouldn't want to tell a bad joke in response, because it would probably not end well for the passerby who had stopped her.

For instance, one time she made a terrible pun to a royal guard standing watch over her bedroom, and he had feebly commented that the pun was "the worst thing (he'd) ever heard in (his) life." Minutes later, he was found ripped to little pony bits and strewn around the hall like a mutilated chew toy.

In Celestia's defense, he didn't HAVE to be a dick about it. But it was terrible, I won't lie. (Oh, you expect me to tell you what the pun is? Well I can't, Celestia might mutilate you too, that's how bad it was.)

Anywho, Celestia trotted over to the refreshments, and picked up a glass of punch in a crystal clear wine glass. Because this was a "sophisticated" party, and she was not to be seen drinking out of a fucking RED SOLO CUP. (Or a blue one for that matter, because for some reason those exist. Who the hell knows why.)

As she sipped out of the elegant glass, and drinking a "Family-Friendly" liquid, she pondered whether there was a spell that could make her funnier. Intrigued with the thought, she galloped away from the party to check the library.

Carefully closing the door as she arrived, she jumped in shock to see some trespasser standing in the middle of the room.

"Gah! Who are you?" She exclaimed.

The trespasser tossed a bag full of joints at her, before screaming irrational words through the library.

"In a world gone mad, we will not spank the monkey, but the monkey will spank us! BONG, MOTHERFUCKER!" It shrieked, before disappearing into thin air. No explanation needed, this is a fanfiction.

Celestia picked up the bag of joints, and sniffed it. It had a strange, yet pleasant smell. And she knew just what to do with it.

She brought her horn to the joint, lit it up, and put that little sonofabitch between her lips. Then she started puffing like a choo-choo train.

"Hey Fluttershy, check this out." Rainbow Dash carefully did a trick with her hooves and a ball, making it seemingly disappear.

"I can make balls disappear too!" Fluttershy exclaimed.

"Oh yeah? Show me then." Dash tossed the ball over to her.

"Oh, not those kind of balls. More like Discord's balls. He showed me a trick." Fluttershy said politely.

"Oh, that's cool. Say, where's Applejack? I want to show her this trick too."

Celestia kicked down the fucking door.

"LADIES, LADIES, LADIES. YOU ALL FUCKED WITH THE WRONG MARE TONIGHT." She roared a mighty roar, before looking over the uninterested crowd. "Imma fill your orifices to the brim, and dine with your tits."

"Hey, is the princess okay?" Twilight asked, walking up to Rainbow Dash casually.

"I dunno, Twilight. Looks like she had to many doobie snacks."

"Dash, what the heck are you even talking about?"

"You know. That green plant, that one... Uh, Fluttershy's friend smokes it I think."

"What? Why would the princess do that?" Twilight furrowed her brow, before nodding. "Oh. I know. This is a fanfiction. And whoever is on the other side of this, typing this story at this very instant, is a fucking idiot."

"Twilight, I think it's time for you to go take some more of your happy pills." Dash said slowly, winking at all the readers on the other side of the screen.

"No, I will not eat those fucking pills. I think it's time for the audience on the other side of that screen know that we aren't toys made to be molded into whatever fantasy they wan-", Rainbow Dash gave a swift kick to the head, and pulled out some pills.

"There there, Twilight. Calm down." The pills worked their magic, and the fourth wall was sealed back up. Good as new. Better, even.

Anyways, back to our main character, Celestia. She was playing spin the bottle, because as soon as she walked through the doors stinking of marijuana, the party went from classy to edgy 15 year old dank meme edition.

The bottle spinned around and around and landed on Discord.

"o yea bby lets get it"

and everyone fucked the end

Moral of the story; DON'T DO DRUGS YOU FUCK

The author sat back in his chair, smiling widely at his creation. For he had pretended he had smoked a joint and knew enough information about it to write a story, when all he had ever done was be offered one. No, the only thing that had ever gotten him high was a brownie, and he knew he would get away with it.

FOR NOBODY WAS AS SLY AS HE, AND THEY WOULD NOT NOTICE. AND SHALL ANYONE NOTICE, he knew deep in his heart that they were a scummy person, and that person should die in a hole.

Slyly twisting his imaginary mustache, for he was a pre-pubescent teen, he went back to his far more mature account, and left this one to be ripped apart by the fucking angry shitstorm that would be soon to follow in his next big troll.

hokay baiiiiiiii

Author's Note

Oh no! My bag of loose oranges and one french baguette!