Non-Adventure In The Crystal Empire
Mandatory Vacation: Failure
The late-night sun shone like a lighthouse beacon into the windows of the conservatory situated in one high corner of the palace in the exact centre of the Crystal Empire. Raven, the greyish Earth-pony mare with a crossed fountain pen and a pencil on her flank, ran a hoof through her brunette mane – out of its bun for once in an attempt to relax – and removed her glasses, revealing her dark brown eyes. She shifted on her chaise-longue and, to no one in particular, started speaking.
“I can’t believe it’s almost midnight,” she said. “But I guess that’s what happens when you’re above the Polar Boundary during the summer, isn’t it Meyer?”
Meyer Mare, long-time mayor of Ponyville for whom Raven had served as secretary for enough years that she had lost count, reclined in a nearby seat, not responding except with a hiccup. A minuscule amount of smoke escaped from her nostrils when she let forth a breath. Raven noticed but did not think much of it considering that, over the decade-plus she had faithfully served her boss, she had seen infinitely stranger things.
The mayor herself took no notice either, simply shifting herself to try and maximize her comfort.
Raven rolled her eyes. “Why should I expect anything else at this point?” she asked her. “How were you even able to get drunk here? The Crystal Palace is dry by decree. If Princess Cadance finds out you’ve ignored her orders, she’ll have you sent back to Equestria Proper. She’ll have us all sent back, and we’ll be arrested at the border.”
Mayor Mare sighed, a puff of steam escaping from her mouth following another hiccup. “Uwagh,” she attempted to say. “Izz… ain’t a big deal.”
This seemingly flip response caused Raven to flip over and bury her face in her plush lounger for a moment, muffling a groan. Turning back to the mayor, she spoke carefully and precisely.
“Did you really need to barge into Prime Minister Orangeglow’s quarters and call him – and I’m reading the refused extradition demand here,” Raven cleared her throat as she held up a piece of parchment that had ‘DENIED’ written across it in red ink, “a ‘fat, lazy, useless, racist, pedophilic, parasitic farm animal with fake hair and the brain capacity of a rotting turnip’, followed by a slur against two particular parts of his anatomy which I would rather not repeat. You… can be kind of disgusting, Meyer.”
Mayor Mare, reaching out of Raven’s view, pulled out a gigantic repurposed glass vase full of green liquid that looked and smelled not unlike swamp moss, and gulped down several swigs. As she sighed, content as her eyes became further glassed over, more smoke escaped her mouth. Raven sniffed and made a mental note that it smelled distinctly like rotting eggs.
“Meyer,” Raven continued, exasperation rising, “do you even understand how many strings Spike had to pull to get you out of that mess?”
“Otome ŵa nametara ikanze yo,” the mayor slurred as she lazily kicked up one of her back hooves, before quickly losing balance and falling out of her seat. She hit the floor with barely a sound, as it – like the rest of the palace – was solid crystalline. A small plume of smoke rose from the spot where she landed as she lightly coughed.
Ignoring the smoke and her employer’s gibberish for the moment, Raven could not help but chuckle. “If we were still at City Hall, you probably would have fallen through the floor, right onto poor Pen-Stroke’s desk.”
Mayor Mare attempted to raise herself to standing. It took at least two minutes and she was still wobbly afterwards, her glazed blue eyes seeming to point in opposite directions.
“You know, right now you look sort of like one of our mailmares, Ditzy-Doo” Raven said to her boss with a smirk.
“You’re right, she kinda does,” replied Spike, who had just entered the room. Apple Bloom stood a couple feet behind him, utterly failing to hide her worried expression.
Raven cocked her head in confusion. “Spike? What are you doing here? I thought you were having an audience with the Princess to discuss our… little situation.”
“I was, but… well, I’ll get to that in a minute. Your conversation is more interesting,” Spike said as he absentmindedly paced slowly in a warped oval in front of Raven’s chaise-lounge. “Honestly, both Ditzy-Doo and the Mayor here are about equal when it comes to property damage,” Spike said as he scratched his chin in contemplation. “It’s just… Mayor Mare only destroys City Hall, and more often than not it’s really Twilight’s fault, but it’s happened, what?, seven times?”
Raven hopped out of her chaise, donned her glasses, and made her way to a table on which sat a scroll. She briefly unfurled it and glanced at its contents. “Yes. Seven. But that doesn’t include the incidents with Forest or Infernal creatures. Legally, we count those as a different class of disaster for insurance purposes.”
“I can’t believe Ponyville actually separates out disasters by type, like ya would a schoolbook,” Apple Bloom said with modest surprise.
“I can,” Spike deadpanned. “After this many years, I bet Twilight is a class by herself.”
Raven attempted not to grin as she nodded.
Beyond them, Mayor Mare hiccuped again. This time a slightly greater amount of smoke escaped from her nose, as well as tiny plumes from her ears. Apple Bloom pursed her lips, narrowed her eyes, and furrowed her brows at the sight.
Raven noticed the filly’s expression. “What’s wrong, Apple Bloom?” she asked.
“Somethin’s up with the mayor, an’ I really hope it ain’t what I think it is.”
“Something’s always ‘up’ with the mayor,” Raven and Spike said in unison.
Just then, the tranquility of the conservatory was shattered as shoed attendant guards burst open the giant double doors, revealing Princess Cadance, who wore her most neutral expression possible. Raven and Apple Bloom immediately bowed; Spike did not; Mayor Mare attempted some sort of respectful gesture but slipped and fell on the floor next to the glass vase, hidden for the moment from Cadance’s view by the chaise-longue. A plume of smoke rose from the mayor’s landing spot.
Spike approached the princess without any pretense whatsoever, as the old friend he was. “What’s going on, Cadance?” he asked.
“I’m… a little bit concerned,” she replied. “Spike, I took you and your three friends in because of the *ahem* issues you inadvertently caused back in Canterlot. You’ve been allowed to stay because One: You are my friend and this realm’s saviour twice over, and Two: There is no love lost between myself and Celestia’s current prime minister… not since he referred to me as a ‘nice piece of tail’, called my realm a ‘dunghole’, and told his chief of staff Dementio that he could grab me by the…” Cadence cleared her throat again, unwilling to complete the sentence.
“Fattacorn!” Mayor Mare called out in a slur from her self-imposed crumpled heap. “Says he’s seventeen stone. Ha! I met him twice! He’s twenty if he’s a pound!” she laughed for a few seconds before a ‘gluck-gluck’ sound began to emanate from that spot, occasionally accompanied by hiccups and smoke.
Princess Cadance smiled despite her best effort. “Well, I won’t deny that.” Immediately resuming a grave expression she continued. “Do you all know why I imposed a dry decree on this castle?”
“Because Shiny’s an alcoholic and you don’t want him to relapse?” Spike asked. He then muttered, “It would run in the family.”
“Because you don’t want your bodyguards to be tempted to shirk their duties and possibly do untoward things to you?” guessed Raven.
Finally came Apple Bloom’s attempt. “’Cause the plants ‘round here ain’t what ya normally use for makin’ my type o’… special brew?”
“Illegal Moonshine,” Raven corrected.
“Hooch,” Spike further corrected.
“Best. Drink. Ever!” Mayor Mare concluded, her pumped hoof barely visible behind her disused seat.
Cadance rolled her eyes. “Miss Raven and Apple Bloom have it correct. Sorry, Spike, but my Shiny is nowhere near as… volatile… as our dear Twilight. If he was, I’d have left him long ago.”
Spike shrugged. “Well, can’t say I know him as intimately as you do. Sorry I assumed.”
“That’s okay,” Cadance said with utmost sincerity. “No, most of my reasoning is along Apple Bloom’s line of thinking. Brewmasters here in the Crystal Empire have long needed a special licence – this wasn’t my rule; it was in place even before the Great War. The reason is because lack of knowledge of the flora and edible crystals here can lead to drinks with, to put it mildly, volatile consequences.”
“Ya mean like those charcoal-coloured ones I found growin’ in the basement?” Apple Bloom asked.
“(How did you even get…?)” Cadance asked before shaking her head. “Regardless. That particular crystal is called Dragon’s Rock. Its qualities are similar to flint in that…”
“It makes fire if ya smash it together,” Apple Bloom interrupted.
“Yes…” said Cadance delicately. “Incidentally, I was recently alerted to some equipment missing from the main kitchen. Copper drums, pipes, burners, and so on, which used in concert can be used to distill spirituous liquors. I also noticed a clear crystal vase was missing from the Dining Hall. Do I need to take this train of thought to its terminus, Apple Bloom?”
Apple Bloom gulped as her comically large pink hairbow drooped in concert with her mood. “I just… thought I’d help out the mayor an’ maybe make somethin’ nice for the rest of y’all if it worked.”
“And…?” Cadance prompted.
“I kinda ground up some Dragon’s Rocks into my Crystal Empire Edition special brew, or as the mayor calls it, ‘Happy Juice’. It turned the mix green and smelled kinda bad, but Spike took a sip and said it tasted good,” Apple Bloom said, her voice tinged with guilt.
“Um, Apple Bloom?” Spike said. “Of course it would taste good to me. I’m a dragon. Thick scales, figuratively iron stomach. I’m not sure that stuff you made is fit for ponies’ consumption.”
“Well, the mayor seemed to like it too,” Apple Bloom insisted as she gestured over to the pile of smoke rising from behind the chaise-longue accompanied by greedy gulping.
Everyone in the room became transfixed on the sight. After about a minute, the sound of uncouth drinking stopped as Mayor Mare let out the most blissful sigh of her life, acrid smoke escaping from every orifice as she did so. Cadance marched over to the mayor and took note of the empty drink receptacle.
“That explains where my vase went,” she said as she levitated it, shaking out the remaining drops onto the crystalline floor, where they briefly sparked upon making contact.
Apple Bloom’s eyes widened as far as they physically could, sweat appearing on her forehead as she sported a fearful frown.
“What’s wrong, Apple Bloom?” Raven asked.
“That there vase. It had enough of my brew in it for at least three dozen ponies.”
“What.” Cadance, Spike, and Raven all said in unison.
Apple Bloom grimaced as she noticed the conservatory take on the stench of rotten eggs and burnt matches.
At that moment, Mayor Mare struggled – eventually succeeding – to make herself upright, but her tawny face was tinged green, and not just with splatter from the gallons of alcohol she had just consumed. “Oogh. I don’t feel all that good,” she said. “Except for this amazing buzz, izz like that time at Trogaa… Trimma… uh, Trottingham Academy, when I downed a hogshead of fizzy cola.”
She lolled slowly as her neck flexed to straighten out her trachea and her tail involuntarily lifted.
“Is she gonna burp or…?” Apple Bloom asked.
“I know what happens when I burp,” Spike replied. “The mayor drank an entire pulverized Dragon’s Rock. We might be better off not knowing.”
Raven nodded. “You all should probably leave. I’ll deal with Meyer.”
Princess Cadance gave Raven a look of minor contempt as she unfurled her wings and powered up her horn. “You all should probably leave. I’ll deal with her,” she said in her most authoritative voice.
“I suppose…”
Ten minutes later, every inhabitant of the Crystal Castle stood outside on the parade grounds as fire engulfed multiple rooms and acrid black smoke poured out of at least a dozen windows, including the now-shattered conservatory. Multiple members of the Crystal Empire Fire Brigade ran into the castle – some carrying buckets, others dragging a hose – to attempt to quell the inferno. Spike and Raven watched the proceeding in shock and awe. Next to them stood Cadance, mane unkempt and fur singed in a few small areas, still levitating an unconscious Mayor Mare, who hung limply in midair, obviously badly burned at both ends as a few puffs of smoke emitted out of her open mouth as she slowly breathed.
Apple Bloom, meanwhile, lay curled up on the ground trying to keep from bursting into tears, repeatedly mouthing the words, “I didn’t mean to.”
“That castle is made out of crystalline. I didn’t think you could burn crystalline!” said Spike, simultaneously surprised and disbelieving.
“You can’t,” Raven replied. But think about all the flammable things scattered throughout the place.”
“That’s a good point. By the way,” Spike gestured over to the prone mayor, “You’ve been the mayor’s secretary for a long time. I’ve seen what it’s like for you to have to deal with her. I know she’s one of my best friends, but… any sane pony would have quit years ago. Why do you still do it?”
Raven sighed. “Because Meyer needs me. And, to be honest, I need her. Think about how monotonous and boring my life would be without her. Sure, she drives me insane, but, well, deep down I at times enjoy her antics.”
“You’re crazy,” said Spike with a smirk.
“To work in local government for as long as we have, you need to be,” Raven retorted.
“I didn’t mean to!” Apple Bloom said through tears loud enough for Cadance to hear.
Cadance smiled. “Please don’t worry about it. You’re not in any trouble.” She turned to Spike. “Do you remember when Celestia sent Twilight on a wild goose chase just to get her away from Ponyville and Canterlot for a few days?”
Spike winced. “How could I forget? That was the weirdest teleportation spell anyone has ever had me be a part of. But I can’t say no to Celestia and I won’t say no to you.”
“Well, Shiny told me that, once Twilight arrived and learned I had already left over a day earlier, she was so angry she blew up my throne room. Literally blew it up!” Cadence said with a chuckle. “It took us over a month to clean off all the scorched crystal and rebuild everything she’d destroyed. Shiny had to go out on the balcony with all the smoke behind him and give an official address reassuring our citizens everything was okay. I honestly wish I could have been there to see it.”
Apple Bloom sniffed. “So that means?”
“This is just another one of those minor things that looks worse than it is. At this point, with all these connections I’ve inadvertently cultivated with Ponyville, I just expect my home to randomly explode every few months. Besides, it helps my guards earn their salaries – this is a peaceful area now, and Shiny and I are more than capable of taking care of ourselves.”
“So, uh, what are we going to do while the fire’s being put out?” Spike asked.
“I saw a doughnut shop down the Royal Road on the way to the castle,” Raven said. “I think it was called ‘Pony Joe’s’?”
No sooner had the words left Raven’s mouth that she turned to see Spike scurrying down the wide avenue as quickly as his stubby legs could carry him.
“He franchised?” Apple Bloom asked Cadance before involuntarily sniffling.
“It’s open in the middle of the night?” Raven asked as she gestured up to the orange sky, the sun still above the horizon, if barely.
Cadance nodded. “He made his fortune by being a night owl in Canterlot when most doughnut sellers only work in the morning. I convinced him he could make some extra income here, so he sent his top apprentice Filly Jane – who in reality is close to his age – up here to open a shop. I patronized it nearly every day when I was pregnant.”
“Well, Princess, if you vouch for it, then it must be good,” said Raven. “Um, what about Meyer?”
“I’m just going to keep levitating her until she regains consciousness.”
“That may take awhile,” Apple Bloom and Raven replied.
“Still. Doughnuts,” Cadance replied furtively. “Shall we?”
They nodded as all three instantly put the smouldering castle out of their minds and began the short trek to the sugar-filled paradise.
Author's Note
Thank you so much for the last three years! Here's to the fourth!
Read Me.
