Diplomatic Immunity

by garatheauthor

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Comedy, Sex
Length: 6107

Princesses Celestia, Luna, and Cadance all share stories about their biggest diplomatic incidents in order to educate Twilight on what not to do when representing one's country.

Princess Twilight Sparkle has recently returned from a diplomatic mission to Gryphonstone. While she has gone beyond the borders of Equestria many times in the past, this is her first official state visit as a princess.

As a way of celebrating her success Princess Celestia hosts a tea party, during which the other monarchs of Equestria share stories about diplomatic blunders. These include Cadance's bout with Saddle Arabian purity laws, Luna's near beheading, and Celestia's ordeal with limes.

Cover Art is done by Baron-Engel.

Edited by Tempus.

Written for Aragon's Comedy (Is Serious Business) Contest under the prompt, we learned something political.

Sex tag is for sexual language/references and not actual sex, death tag is for mentions of death, and dark tag is because it does get a lil dark here and there.

Now with a Russian Translation!

Oh hey, this fic got featured on Episode 210 of Pony 411. That's kinda super cool.

"That said, Luna's story is hysterical, and there's some great sexual and relationship comedy in here. Worth it, on the whole." - PresentPerfect, Recommended for Laughs, Febuary 28th

Published 2018-01-21 22:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-21 22:10:06 UTC

Diplomatic Immunity

The four princesses of Equestria sat around an old oak table within Celestia’s private chamber. It was a rarity to get all four of them together and as such Celestia had gone to great lengths in preparation for today’s afternoon tea. Upon the table rested a diverse spread of her favourite blends paired with a platter of biscuits and other fine delicacies.

In all her years of governance, Celestia found that a good cup of tea was the ideal lubricant to help the wheels of decision-making turn. To her, there was no obstacle that couldn’t be overcome, nor ornery minister corrected by a warm cup of earl grey, a splash of one percent milk, and a dash of brown sugar.

It was her zealous dedication to this Doctrine of Lipton which made Luna’s current rebellious attitude all the more aggravating. While Twilight, Cadance, and herself were content in elegantly sipping from fine china teacups, Luna had instead opted to guzzle her beverage from a mug, like the barbarian she was.

Not just any mug. Oh no, that would’ve been far too considerate. No, Luna had opted for a novelty mug. A novelty mug which bore some reference to popular culture which completely eluded Celestia. Though she did know for a fact that it had no place in such a regal setting.

She was only thankful that they were in private company and no outside dignitaries were present. The scandal this could have caused would be immense. The Princesses, and especially herself and Luna, were expected to maintain a façade of gracefulness and dignity. A mug was the least graceful one could get. It was like drinking milk straight from the carton.

Luna’s crimes did not end there. For instead of tea, Luna was drinking coffee. Coffee at a tea party!? Who would’ve heard of anything so absurd?

Though if Celestia knew her sister, which she did, her depravity would only get worse. She’d bet twenty bits that the coffee was laced with bourbon.

Her gaze quickly shifted to a clock upon the wall. It was well past five in the afternoon. So, the bourbon was pretty much a given by this point.

For a moment she pondered if Luna wouldn’t mind another…vacation to the moon. After all, Celestia still had Cadance and Twilight. Both of whom were far better trained in etiquette than her dearest sister.

Celestia shook her head.

She had guests over. It wasn’t polite to have a conversation with yourself while entertaining.

“So Twilight, how was your visit to Gryphonstone?” Celestia asked. “Productive I hope.”

Twilight stirred some sugar into a fresh cup of tea. “It was incredible. I really think that I was able to come to an understanding with Queen Gennifer. She seemed very eager to accept an ambassador and house a more permanent diplomatic mission.”

“She’s probably desperate for foreign aid,” Luna muttered. “The gryphons always are.”

Cadance ignored her. “Nice work, Twi. You know, I still remember my first diplomatic visit. It was a huge disaster.”

Twilight looked at her. “Oh? What happened?”

Cadance chuckled. “Well it was to Saddle Arabia and…” She paused. “Tell me, what do you know about their religion?”

“I know they practice a form of folk religion centred around various tribal deities. Most of which are agricultural in nature. God of the harvest, god of the grain, god of foraging, god of the water. You know, stuff like that.”

“You would’ve known way more than I did going into this.”

“Why? What did you know?”

“That they looked like really tall ponies and they had access to deposits of bauxite and sulfur, which my aunt was very interested in.”

Celestia nodded. “It’s true. Trade with Saddle Arabia has always been a very lucrative part of our economy. At least for as long as I’ve reigned.”

“Exactly,” Cadance said. “So, with that in mind, I hope you can understand why I was distressed when I committed a bit of diplomatic faux pas and got tariffs drastically increased.”

Luna took a sip of her disgusting coffee. “And what faux pas was this?”

“I may have accidentally committed a rather serious crime. Well, in the context of their legal system anyways.”

Twilight looked stunned. “Wait, what crime?”

“Well actually, it was a couple crimes.”

“What crimes?” Twilight repeated.

Cadance sheepishly grinned. “Are you familiar with the Saddle Arabian God of the Loom?”

“Yeah, she’s responsible for a couple things. The cotton crop, the manufacturing of cloth, and also there’s some story about how she weaves the night sky.”

Luna chuckled. “Nice, I’m a deity in four religions now.”

Cadance rolled her eyes. “Well apparently the Emir at this time was very dedicated to her. So, he passed an edict making it mandatory for all residents and guests of his kingdom to wear clothes in public. This was seen as his way of paying respects to her, or giving tribute, or whatever.”

“Is that why Saddle Arabian dignitaries always wear saddles?” Twilight asked.

“Exactly,” Cadance said. “Now I, being uneducated on Saddle Arabian domestic policy, was not aware of this law. So, when I arrived in the capital I got off the ship wearing this.”

She gestured to her current attire which included a golden necklace, a tiara, and absolutely nothing else.

Candance continued. “I made it about five minutes before a precession of guards whisked me away. At first, I thought they were there to escort me to the Emir, but the next thing I know I’m sitting in a police station wrapped up in an incredibly thick blanket. It was about… oh I don’t know, 40-ish degrees outside, and it seemed like air conditioning hadn’t quite reached this part of the world yet.”

“What happened next?” Twilight asked.

“Well, I kept trying to shed my blanket, but every time I did the station master would give me this super angry glare. Eventually, I realized that I was going to miss my appointment. Now back then, I was kind of like you, Twi. If Celestia gave me a task I was damn sure going through with it, no matter the cost. So…”

She took a deep breath.

“So, I made a break for it. I threw the blanket off, plowed through a few Saddle Arabian officials, and jumped out of an open window. Now I need you to keep count, because by then I had racked up two minor offenses of public indecency, three major offenses of assaulting an officer, and one very major offense of escaping custody. All of this happened within probably 90 minutes of me coming ashore.”

Luna chuckled. “And no one bothered to tell you about this little law during your voyage? You’d think our foreign office would have the foresight?”

“They assumed I already knew.” She snorted. “Somehow our attaché in the region managed to fill pages with various details about minor nobles and business tycoons but couldn’t spare a sentence to say, ‘hey pack a dress if you don’t want to end up in jail.’”

Celestia picked up a danish, placing it upon her plate. “Well after I was done with the foreign office, they’ll hopefully never make that assumption again.”

“Don’t you think you were a little harsh on Lord Sandwich?” Cadance asked.

“His decision to be less than thorough in his reports resulted in the near imprisonment of my niece and the damaging of our relationship with Saddle Arabia for more than a decade. That old fart is lucky he’s the governor of that useless northern wasteland and not rotting in one of its jails.”

“So, did the guards manage to stop you or did you get away?” Twilight asked.

Cadance held up a hoof as she took a bite from one of Celestia’s famous homemade chocolate chips cookies.

Celestia really did need to thank those geniuses at Fillysbury for inventing ready-to-make cookie dough. It made homemade baking a heck of a lot easier.

Cadance washed down the cookie with tea. “I flew like the wind. Like I said, auntie gave me a task and I wasn’t going to let her down. I don’t think I’ll ever be able fly that fast again in my life. I went from the docks to the palace in under four minutes. As luck would have it the Emir was already in his courtyard, waiting to receive me. So, I landed with a thud right in front of him, still in the buff."

“Oh no,” Twilight said.

“Oh yes. It went about as well as you’d imagine. Everypony was just stunned silent as this foreign exhibitionist landed right in front of them. We all kind of just stood at an impasse, not quite sure what to do. Then…then the Emir’s mother fainted. She just collapsed right there and then. This seemed to finally trigger a reaction as everypony acted at once. I tried to explain myself but the next thing I know I had five guards piled on top of me, pinning me to the ground."

Cadance grinned. “And not in a fun way either.”

Twilight blinked. “There’s a fun way?”

“I’ll tell you when you’re older.”

“I’m 26.”

“She’s talking about a sex thing,” Luna said.

Twilight flushed. “I’m aware. I just can’t wrap my head about the…logistics of the situation.”

“Wellllll,” Cadance began.

Celestia loudly cleared her throat. “As much as I’d love to learn about my niece’s sexual exploits I’d much rather hear the end of this story, thank you very much."

“Yes, I quite agree,” Luna said.

Cadance’s cocksure grin faded. “Well, the guards once again threw a blanket over top me as they dragged me before the Emir. By then I had racked up quite the rap sheet. Obviously, my luck continued to hold, as one of the nobles present was the Pasha in charge of the Saddle Arabian court system. This meant that he was the highest-ranking judge in the land and they were able to put me on trial right there and then. The evidence was pretty damning, as I had just finished flashing them all, and it wasn’t long before I was charged with public indecency, assault, escaping custody, and they even made sure to tack on an additional charge of lèse-majesté. By the end of all of this I knew for a fact that I was in pretty deep shit. Which made what happened next all the more surprising.”

“What happened?” Twilight asked.

“First, we made sure that the Emir’s mother was alright, which she was. Then he looked at me, verified that I was in fact there for diplomatic purposes, and then he simply banished me from his realm. No prison time, no lashes, no gallows, nothing.”

She paused. “Well, except for the banishment of course.”

Twilight looked shocked. “Wait really? Why?”

Cadance shrugged. “Diplomatic immunity. I was acting as an ambassador and it would be in poor taste to jail another kingdom’s diplomat. No matter how much they’ve insulted you or your customs.”

“Wait does diplomatic immunity really work like that?” Twilight asked. “I thought that was just an old trope they threw into books.”

Celestia chuckled softly. “Not at all, Twilight. It is a very tried and tested practice which all civilized and most semi-civilized species practice. They do not touch our diplomats and in return we do not touch theirs. For example, Saddle Arabia ignored Cadance’s nudity and in return we ignore the fact that Prince Akhal-Teke has been helping Equestrian nobility hide taxable income within his emirate for years now.”

Luna slammed her mug upon the table. “Wait, he’s been doing what?!”

Celestia rolled her eyes.

Luna never did handle these kinds of situations with the same level of tact as herself. She was a warrior and not a diplomat, after all. Hot-headedness was in her nature.

“Relax, the amounts are…well not trivial but they are a small price to pay in comparison to the benefits we reap from having good relations with Saddle Arabia.”

Celestia took a sip of tea. “Plus, if I do recall, you’ve also benefited from diplomatic immunity.”

Luna blushed. “I do not wish to talk about that.”

Cadance grinned. “Come now, that’s an understatement, auntie. Luna pretty much invented the concept.”

Luna hid behind her mug. “Silence, both of you. One more word and I swear to the gods I’ll end you.”

Celestia smirked. “Now, now, Luna. Cadance was more than kind enough to share her experience. Don’t you think you could afford to do the same? You know, to teach Twilight about how to not conduct oneself in a diplomatic situation.”

Luna mumbled something into her coffee before looking to them. “Fine, I’ll do it for Twilight.”

She sighed. “It all began when a detachment of King Platinum’s royal guards entered his daughter’s bedchamber and forcefully removed me from between her sheets.”

The bluntness of this statement must have caught Twilight off guard because she swallowed her tea hard and started coughing.

Luna ignored this. “Now normally I would have smote them without even a second thought, but it seemed that I was not quite myself that morning.”

Celestia bore a shit-eating grin. “No need to beat around the bushes, sister. From what I’ve read, you were probably nursing the mother of all hangovers.”

“‘Tis true, I may have over indulged myself a tiny bit the night before, but it was a different era. When a banquet was thrown in your honour, you made damn sure to enjoy yourself. The king was kind enough to unlock his cellar and I made it my duty to ensure that it was empty by night’s end.”

“How close did you get?” Cadance asked.

“Not even remotely.” She cleared her throat. “Anyways, it would appear that sometime during the night I had fallen into a conversation with one of the King’s daughters. I do not remember much of it, but according to some gossipy courtiers she was completely enthralled with me. One thing naturally led into another and well… I ended up bedding her.”

Twilight paled. “Oh no.”

Celestia nodded. “As you’d imagine our ancestors lived with a far more conservative mindset. The king was not exactly thrilled with Luna ‘deflowering’ his daughter. Something about her now being unfit for marriage.”

“He really was a bastard,” Luna muttered.

“What happened next?” Twilight asked.

“Well as the guards were yanking me out of bed they managed to wake the princess and let me tell you, she was not exactly thrilled with what was happening. She screamed and hurled insults at them as they placed their shackles upon me. Her claim was that I was her one true love and they had no right to imprison me.”

Luna chuckled. “All the while I was trying desperately to remember which of Platinum’s daughters she was.”

Cadance gasped. “Luna, how could you?”

She held up a defensive hoof. “It’s not my fault! His offspring all looked incredibly similar.”

Celestia nodded. “It’s true. I was shocked to learn that they were not identical triplets.”

Luna levitated over a carafe and topped off her coffee. “After all her begging and pleading, the princess was actually able to get her guards to pause. She then claimed that she could prove that our love was righteous and said, ‘I love you Luna’, before asking me to make the same vow.”

“I don’t think I like where this is going,” Twilight mumbled.

Luna smirked. “So, I tried, ‘I love you, too.’ But no, she was not having it. She insisted that I use her name.”

Cadance covered her face with hooves. “Oh dear gods, no.”

“So, I said, ‘I love you with all my heart, Sapphire Bow.’”

“She wasn’t Princess Sapphire, was she?” Twilight asked.

Luna shook her head. “She was not. Now let me tell you, I have never seen a mare go from total happiness to complete devastation so quickly in my life, and I doubt I ever will again. She just immediately started bawling. This of course turned any sympathy the guards had for me completely sour. So, this meant that they had no trouble dragging me through the halls in chains like some common criminal. It was so humiliating.”

“I mean, you did kind of deserve it after what you did to that poor mare,” Cadance said.

“Do you want to know the funniest part?”

“I’m afraid to.”

“It’s been nearly fifteen hundred years and I still don’t know which of his daughters I slept with.”

Cadance groaned, dragging her hooves down her face. “That is so terrible. How am I even related to you?”

“So, I’m pretty sure the guards were spiting me at this point because they took the scenic route around the castle, showing me off to everypony they passed. Like, ‘oh look at this alicorn princess we captured. Look how embarrassed she is walking through the halls in chains, smelling vaguely of our princess’ perfume and shame.’”

She grinned sadistically. “I got the last laugh though.”

“How?” Twilight asked.

“I’ll get back to that in a moment.”

Her expression softened. “So, after what felt like an hour of being paraded around by a bunch of stallions trying to compensate for their small…allotment of equipment, I was finally escorted to the king. He was so livid, like incredibly livid with me. The second I was in that chamber he was screaming threats. He talked about executing me, burning my kingdom to the ground, putting my head on a pike, vivisecting my corpse. You know all the things that a rational pony should shout at a literal demigod.”

Celestia looked to Twilight. “Our godhood was a lot less certain back then. In fact, as King of the Unicorns, Platnium’s domains were far more prosperous than the lands we ruled.”

“And did he ever rub our snouts in it,” Luna growled.

She cleared her throat. “Now I did offer to marry his daughter, which seemed to take him aback. He even pondered it for a moment until suddenly that damned mare ran into the room, still crying. I did not think it was even possible to sustain tears for that long. She said such awful things about me and, like the guards, the king turned against me.”

Luna took a deep breath. “He looked at me with this fierce scowl.”

She did her best impression of it with this dark angry glare plastered on her face.

As Celestia was the only other pony in the room to have ever met the stallion, she had to admit that it was surprisingly accurate.

Luna continued. “He then began to pace back and forth, muttering to himself. He was discussing how I would die. The gallows? Too quick. Burned at a stake? Too showy. Idea after idea was cast aside until finally, he settled upon my sentence. Beheading via an axe.”

She chuckled grimly. “Credit where credit is due, that was an excellent selection. I congratulated him on it many years later.”

“Well obviously you didn’t die,” Twilight said. “Did you just claim diplomatic immunity?”

“No, no, like my sister said this is where the concept was invented. Now, here is something you need to know. The king had a single son, Silver Crown. The drama around his court, at this time, was that he had been missing for around three weeks now. It was a tragic story really. The king was very torn up over it."

“Didn’t stop you from exploiting him,” Celestia chided.

“My life was literally on the line.”

Celestia poured herself a fresh cup of tea. “Oh, don’t be so dramatic. The king usually calmed down from his fits if you gave him enough time.”

“You always take his side.”

“Only because he was my husband.”

“Wait what?!” Cadance and Twilight said in unison.

“I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves here,” Luna said.

Celestia nodded. “True, true.” She gestured to her sister. “Go on.”

Luna looked to the other two alicorns. “Anyways, since the king had no idea where his son was, or in what condition, I decided to exploit this. I claimed that the stallion had wandered off to join our court, being sympathetic to the idea of all three equine races living in harmony under a single crown. I then loudly pondered how my dear sister would react knowing that the son of my killer was within her court. The king and his treacherous daughter instantly paled at the news.”

Her expression darkened. “Gods it felt so good when the tables turned. In an instant…no, in less than an instant he ordered his guards to set me free. I then told him that some form of ‘diplomatic immunity’ should exist between our realms and that if he was willing to overlook my violation of his domestic law then I could guarantee the same conduct for his son. He accepted on the spot.”

She shook her head. “It’s a shame really. The prince was obviously very loved. I almost wish he really was at our court, so we could return him safely.”

“What happened to the Prince?” Twilight asked.

“They found his remains a week after my departure. It was soon revealed that the Queen had him assassinated and his remains tossed into the wilderness.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait! What!? Why!?”

“Her reasoning was simple, though deplorable. She was the king’s second wife and had sired his three daughters. The prince however was a product of the king’s first marriage. Now the second queen wanted one of her foals to ascend to the throne but in order to assure that, she needed the prince out of the picture. So, she won the loyalty of a few key guards and had him forcefully removed from succession.”

“That’s awful,” Twilight said.

“It really was.” Luna was silent for a moment though her expression soon brightened. “But! But you’ll never guess which guards were found responsible. Come on, take a guess.”

“Which ones?” Cadance asked.

She didn’t look even remotely curious for the answer.

“The three who paraded me around like their gods-damned trophy. Their heads were still on pikes when I came back to visit.”

Twilight looked taken aback. “He allowed you to return! After all of that?”

Celestia smirked. “I wasn’t going to let her miss my wedding.”

“Wait, wait, wait, can we please take a step back?” Cadance asked. “I’m really confused.”

“After my sister’s deception, relations between our two kingdoms were jeopardized. However, as luck would have it, the king soon found himself a bachelor. So, in an effort to warm relations I proposed a diplomatic marriage between the two of us. It took some time for him to come around to the idea but eventually he agreed.”

“You make it sound so technical, Tia,” Luna teased. “It’s not like you’d been secretly lusting over him for over a decade.”

Celestia smirked. “That just happened to be an added benefit.”

“So,” Twilight said. “From what I’ve learned. I should…” She looked to Cadance. “Learn local customs and laws before visiting other kingdoms and…” She then looked to Luna. “I shouldn’t screw around with the daughter of my host? No offense, but I kind of already knew these things. Though from what you’re telling me, diplomatic immunity can be used to get away with pretty much anything short of murder.”

“Wellll…” Luna began, looking to Celestia.

Celestia silently sipped her tea, glaring at her sister.

“Wait, what happened?” Twilight asked.

“Absolutely nothing you should concern yourself with, Twilight,” Celestia said.

Luna chuckled. “Nonsense, it would be a very valuable lesson to learn. Cadance and I laid our embarrassment upon the table. It is only fair that you should do the same. You know, for the sake of education.”

“My story involves death. I don’t think it’s very appropriate topic for tea time discussion.”

“Oh please, it’s over a millennium ago.”

Celestia flushed. “Well the first time it happened anyways.”

Luna’s eyes widened. “Wait, what?! No, there’s no way you made that same mistake twice.”

“Thrice, the last instance was a little less than four hundred years ago.”

Luna snickered. “Oh my gods, how did it happen this time?”

Celestia looked appalled. “Are you laughing at death?”

“Oh, come on. Everypony knows that time plus tragedy equals comedy.”

“If you were actually there you wouldn’t find this nearly as humorous.”

“What are you two talking about?” Cadance asked.

Celestia sighed. “Twelve hundred years ago, Equestria had just entered into diplomatic contact with the Crystal Empire. As a sign of good faith, the two Empires decided to exchange a member of their royal households in order to verse them in the other’s cultures and customs. The Crystal Empress sent her eldest daughter and in exchange me and Luna agreed that I should represent Equestria.”

Luna nodded. “She deserved a vacation. Her wife had just passed a few years earlier and I thought a change of scenery would do her some good.”

“Just curious,” Cadance said. “How many times have you two been married?”

“Twenty-three times,” Celestia said.

“Twice,” Luna added.

Twilight looked surprise “Only twice?”

“The first was for a diplomatic alliance and the other was perfect. Why…” She had this dopey little smile. “Why try and top perfection? It wouldn’t be fair to the next mare who tried.”

Celestia placed her hoof atop Luna’s “You know, she would want you to marry again.”

Luna’s expression was filled with sorrow. “I know she would. Though it’s not like marriage would have done me much good on the moon.” She grinned. “Plus, it would seriously cramp my usage of the royal harem.”

“Wait, you have a royal harem?” Twilight asked.

Celestia shot her sister a look. “No we don’t. My sister is just being a deviant.”

Luna snickered before gesturing for Celestia to continued.

Celestia nodded before turning back to the other two. “When I reached the Crystal Empire I soon discovered that they had established an embassy for me to reside in. It was this magnificently beautiful building. Apparently, it had been the former residence for one of the empire’s leading families. They had donated it as gift of goodwill to welcome our people and try and foster better relations. I have been alive for who knows how long and I have yet to find a home I’ve loved more, this castle included.”

She sighed contentedly. “It had this quaint little walled garden in the rear which was the perfect spot to take tea or read a book.”

Her eyes then twinkled. “Oh, and the bedrooms were so beautiful. I still remember how everything would just shimmer when the moonlight hit it.”

She shook her head and sighed. “It’s really a shame that Sombra destroyed it. The new embassy is nowhere near as special.”

It really wasn’t, being this bureaucratic little cube a few blocks from the palace.

Though now that her family reigned over the kingdom she could always reside with them.

However, it wasn’t the same. The embassy had been a change of scenery, something besides the stuffy walls of a palace.

Also, as much as Celestia loved Cadance she had literally zero interest in sharing a living space with an infant. No matter how temporary the arrangement or how cute the foal.

She found infants to be these disgusting receptacles for filth and illness.

Though don’t tell that to the millions she’d kissed over the years.

“I decided to throw a small banquet to thank the empress and a few other aristocrats for their hospitality. I figured the best thing to do would be to serve Equestrian food as I found diplomacy driven by the stomach to be the most effective kind. With the help of my small staff, who followed me from Equestria, we put on quite the feast. All of my favourites were there, sparkling wines from the south, Manehatten cut eggplant steaks seasoned with exotic eastern spices, a platter of desserts imported from the finest of Canterlot’s chocolatiers, and also this avocado and tomato spread seasoned with limes, all three of which were imported from our tropical colonies.”

She shook her head. “It was those damned limes which would be my undoing.”

“Limes?” Cadance asked.

Celestia nodded. “Back then the diet of the Crystal Empire was… severely limited, to say the least. They had not yet been connected to our trade network and the climate reduced their selection of grains, veggies, and fruits to only a few select species which could endure their short summers. So of course, at the sight of such a colourful and rich bounty, all of my guests showed little restraint as they overindulged.”

“Where does this go bad?” Twilight asked.

“Many of these foods had never been seen before, let alone tested, by any of my guests. This wasn’t too terrible as many of them found an appetite which could only be sated via trade between our two realms. However, one stallion, a patriarch of a rather important mercantile house, also discovered that he had a slight allergy to citrus.”

Twilight swallowed. “Oh no.”

“How serious was it?” Cadance asked.

Celestia sighed and sipped her tea. “He was dead in a matter of minutes.”

The room went silent.

“I still remember how his infant daughter was the first to weep.”

It remained silent.

“Of course, his wife was not far behind.”

Celestia gingerly placed down her cup. The noise of it gently clattering echoed through the room.

“I can still remember the look upon their faces. A thousand years has done little to dull the memory.”

Even Luna seemed at a loss for words.

What’s the matter, sister? Not so funny anymore?

“Immediately after that, hooves started pointing. Most of them at me. The wife and eldest son both claimed I was an assassin. The empress did her best to try and calm the situation. However, one by one the nobles turned against me. After all, I was a foreigner, a stranger, to many of them. The empress was eventually forced to concede and sent out word to her guards to come and collect me. You have to realize, she did not want to do this but the ponies present held far more power than even herself.”

“Did she throw you in the dungeon?” Twilight asked.

“Well the guards showed up and I was escorted away. Thankfully, unlike my dear sister, I was able to reach an agreement with my host which allowed me to leave free of shackles and with my pride mostly intact. Unfortunately, the house was located within a populated and incredibly affluent neighbourhood. So, there was an audience of rather important ponies watching as I was escorted out of embassy under the protection of guards. An audience which also witnessed the departure of the dead stallion’s crying family soon after. An audience which, not only lingered but grew, as the local constables showed up and a body was removed. The point I am trying to make is that I was the talk of social circles for quite some time. Equestria’s reputation took a major hit and it would take at least a generation to recover. At which point I had long ago surrendered my ambassadorship to a stallion who was far more qualified for the position.”

“They did let you go, right?” Twilight asked. “It’s not like you poisoned him on purpose.”

“Oh, of course they let me go. The empress, while upset by the incident, did recognize that it was an accident. It took a while but eventually she was able to talk her officials out of taking any hasty action. My punishment was actually incredibly mild, just two months of house arrest. By the time this had elapsed pretty much all of the nobles, with the exception of the affected family, were at least tolerant of my presence.”

She frowned. “I didn’t even need to use my diplomatic immunity. So, I honestly have no idea why this story needed to be told.”

Her gaze narrowed as it shifted to Luna. “These skeletons have been hidden in my closet for a while now, and you have only caused duress by bringing them back to the light of day. These are the actions of petty shit disturber, and not a fucking Princess of Equestria.”

Twilight looked flabbergasted.

Celestia couldn’t honestly blame her. Twilight had always placed her upon a pedestal and mares who rested upon pedestals were not meant to swear.

However, her choice of words would appear to have had their intended impact, as Luna could not bear to meet her gaze.

Celestia’s lips curled into a sick grin. “Though, there is a cruel piece of irony involved.”

“In what way?” Cadance asked.

She seemed uneasy at Celestia’s sudden change of demeanour.

“I wanted that stallion dead.” She grimly chuckled. “I actually intended to have him killed somewhere down the road. He wasn’t evil but he had connections to royal ministers and was using them to hinder commercial enterprises between our empires. However, it would appear that my choice of cooking and a quirk in his genetic code were a far more effective assassin than any I could pay with bits. It’s just…”

She shook her head, her grin slipping away. “It’s just a lot harder to live with yourself, when you’re directly responsible for the blood on your hooves.”

Luna swallowed hard. “By the gods. I didn’t know about this.”

“I never mentioned it.” Her expression remained still and voice distant. “Just like I never mentioned the hemlock I’ve slipped into each of your drinks.”

The other three princesses gasped in horror, pushing their respective beverages as far away as possible.

All of their eyes were filled with pure terror. This turned to confusion as Celestia burst out laughing.

“By the gods, you should have seen the look on your faces,” she said.

“Wait, what!” Luna exclaimed. “You were joking?!”

“Of course, I was joking. Do you honestly think I would poison any of you?” She looked at Luna. “Well actually, let me rephrase that. Do you honestly think I’d poison Twilight or Cadance?”

Luna indignantly stuck out her tongue.

Twilight’s breathing refused to calm. “Why would you do that?!”

“Because Luna thought it was appropriate to screw with me. So, I decided to get a little payback.” She nodded to Twilight. “My apologizes to you and Cadance, you just happened to get caught in the crossfire.”

Twilight sighed in relief. “You had me there for a second. I almost believed that you poisoned that poor stallion.”

Celestia levitated a cookie onto her plate. “Oh? Oh no, that story was completely true.”

“Wait, so you actually killed him?”

Celestia nodded. “Mhm.”

Twilight looked stunned. “You murdered a pony.”

“No, if you recall I accidentally triggered an allergic reaction.”

“You accidentally murdered a pony.”

“Well if we’re being technical here, you can’t accidently murder somepony.”

“In that case, it’s mareslaughter,” Luna added.

“Exactly,” Celestia said before fixing her gaze on Twilight. “Look, if it makes you feel any better, it was later discovered that he was working with Sombra to bring down the Crystal Empire.”

Celestia failed to mention that that evidence had in fact been planted under her instructions. This subterfuge had been committed many years later in order to discredit the son of her victim, as he had become a rising star in the empress’ court and a hostile opponent of Equestria.

“And what of your other two…incidents?” Cadance asked.

“What about them?”

“Were they actually accidents?”

“They were…”

Twilight sighed in relief. “Thank goodness.”

“As far as you know,” Celestia finished.

Twilight groaned.

Celestia looked at her. “So, have you learned any valuable lessons today?”

Twilight nodded though she seemed a little shell-shocked. “Yeah…don’t be a nudist, don’t sleep with a princess, and…murder is ok if you disguise it well enough?”

Celestia frowned. “Not quite what I wanted to bestow on you, but if that’s the lesson you’re taking away from this.”

A few more moments of awkward silence passed, during which Celestia’s eyes wandered towards a clock on the wall.

Oh, look at the time. It would appear that she was needed for some very important government business. Such as, not being in this incredibly tense situation right now.

She smiled to her co-monarchs. “I have an appointment I must keep, but we really should do this again. Is everypony free next month? Same time, same place?”

A few disheartened affirmatives came back in reply. She made a show of jotting down the plans on her calendar before getting up and walking out of the room.

As the door closed behind her, Celestia sighed.

Well, that could’ve gone better.

Author's Note

I really should re-watch Calvary.