Please Kill Me

by JackRipper

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Comedy, Self Insert, Princess Celestia, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1220

It’s only day two of Princess Twilight’s ascension, and she’s already asking Princess Celestia to kill her.

Twilight Sparkle thought that alicorn ascension was simply unfathomable.

So, it’s only natural that she jumped at the opportunity to establish her very own court in Ponyville as a Princess of Equestria.

So why is it, on day two of her ascension, that she’s asking Princess Celestia to kill her?

Literally only rated M because of the cover art, it's worth it though.
An honorable mention in Aragon’s Comedy (Is Serious Business) contest.
Pre-read by Jowijo and Canucklehead.
Edited by ChappedPenguinLips, who is my best friend and the best, period. <3
Cover art by lilboulder on derpibooru.
Now with an audio reading by Spore Harvest!
Featured 2/7/18 - 2/11/18.

Published 2018-02-07 20:20:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-07 20:20:07 UTC

No, seriously, kill me.

Author's Note

This story is brought to you by the FiMFiction moderation team. Where when you're right, you're wrong, and when you're wrong, you're very wrong. The self-insert tag is not a mistake. Blame Aragon for this piece of drivel.

No, seriously, kill me.

This day was going to be perfect.

It was a warm summer afternoon, the sun was shining through a stain-glass window, bathing the room in a heavenly glow that—

“Please kill me.”

Celestia inhaled her tea from the unorthodox request, sputtering for a moment, before wiping the corner of her muzzle with a tablecloth.

“P-pardon? Twilight?”

“Kill me, please,” Twilight repeated, leaning in a little. “I don’t know how else I could phrase this to make myself more clear.”

Celestia giggled. “Goodness gracious, Twilight. I wasn’t sure why you wanted to come and pay me a visit, but I wasn’t expecting this! You’re so funny!”

Twilight laughed alongside her mentor for a short moment, before defaulting back to her former, neutral expression. “So can I die now?”

“I…” Celestia raised an eyebrow, matching Twilight’s hollow gaze, then sighed. “You’re not kidding, are you?”

“No, not in the slightest.”

“Why—” Celestia blinked once. “What brought this on, Twilight?”

She chuckled. “Well, I think it was something that kind of came up spontaneously, but I still feel like we’d be here all day if I went into detail.”

“Humor me.”

“So, you know how I created my own court system in Ponyville?”

Celestia nodded. “You seemed very enthusiastic about the idea as I recall.”

“Yes, well, that was a mistake. You see, I’ve learned something, Princess Celestia.” Twilight sucked in a deep breath. “I’m not cut out to handle this level of sheer stupidity.”

Celestia gently set down her teacup, leaning back in her chair and sinking into the soft velvet. “We’ve learned something disappointing too then, Twilight. I was under the impression you dealt with stupidity in your life on a regular basis.”

“Look, if we’re talking about Applejack again, I did some research on ancient Earth Pony culture—“

“Not that.” Celestia smacked her forehead. “I meant that I find it strange that you cave now after saving Equestria time and time again in the past. It’s not really like you to give up so quickly. Where’d your resolve go?”

“This is different.” Twilight slammed a hoof against the table, rattling the ceramic. “This obligation I’ve forced upon myself has made me crave death more than I ever could as an angsty teenager.”

“Why did you even decide to ask me to kill you? If you’re willing to resort to such an extreme measure, why not just do it yourself?”

“Well, I did some research—“

“Of course you have.”

“And after a lot of testing, I’ve concluded that it’s extremely hard to kill myself.”

“A lot of testing—what? Are you serious?”

“It’s true!” Twilight sprung up from her chair, causing it to topple over behind her. “Drowning myself isn’t feasible, fire doesn’t do anything and no matter the distance, falling doesn’t do the trick either. I never realized that an alicorn could be so durable!”

“What did you even jump off of?”

“Canterlot’s mountain,” Twilight said. “Did you know it took over a minute of falling to reach the bottom? Because I didn’t.”

“This is unbelievable,” Celestia whispered to herself. “How can you be so nonchalant about this?”

“I think after I spent an entire day listening to a pony ramble on about painting the town hall the wrong color, it finally dawned on me why death is so romanticized in our modern culture.” Twilight huffed. “So I want out—and I figured that you’re the best pony to ask.”

“That was another question on my mind. Why me? Why are you so insistent that I be the one to execute you?”

“Well, I wouldn’t say execute—“

“We clearly aren’t on the same page here.”

“I have a hypothesis,” Twilight said. “Suicide has been ruled out, so I think it’s safe to assume that dying by any conventional method simply isn’t possible.”

“Go on.”

“If no mortal being could kill me with relative ease, then my best bet is for another alicorn to kill me.”

Celestia stared up at the castle’s ceiling. “Luna, I swear by the Creator, stop this nonsense at once! This isn’t funny anymore!”

...

“This isn’t a dream—”

“I know.” Celestia slumped in her chair. “But I really, really wish it was.”

“Look, we can make it quick. Just one concentrated burst of magic aimed directly at my face.”

“Twilight.”

“You don’t even have to look at me when you do it. I’m sure precision won’t really matter.”

“Twilight—”

“Nothing too flashy or anything like that, just enough raw mana to level the entirety of Manehattan in one concussive blast.”

“Princess Twilight Sparkle!” Celestia shouted, sighing once more as she felt her energy waned. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what again? Is turning me into ash really asking too much?”

“For the love of—have some dignity.”

She scoffed. “Let’s be honest here, I lost all my dignity at least half an hour ago.”

“Twilight, you haven’t even considered the idea of canceling court, have you? No offense, but the one in Ponyville isn’t really necessary.”

…

…

“It’s been a pretty stressful day. I might have overreacted a little to this whole ordeal.”

“Might have!?”

“To be fair, this isn’t the worst reaction you’ve ever seen. I mean, Luna basically had a millennium-long temper tantrum.”

“That doesn’t—actually, you know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m just glad you decided to come around, Twilight,” Celestia said, giving her a warm smile. Drinking the last of her tea, she let out a breath of relief as she stood up from her chair.

Twilight no longer stood rigid, opting for a more relaxed pose as she matched Celestia’s stride. “I think a trip to the castle’s spa is in order, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I couldn’t agree more.”

Celestia nodded once to the guard that stood next to the door, his ‘I don’t get paid enough for this shit’ expression never leaving his face as they entered the main hall.

Princess Luna stood over Celestia’s slumbering form, gritting her teeth as Celestia mumbled in her sleep.

“It was much more than a temper tantrum, Sparkle,” Luna hissed, swearing something archaic under her breath. “This wasn’t nearly as fun as I’d thought it’d be. I was hoping she’d at least try to jump out the castle’s window or something.”

Luna sighed. “I suppose Princess Twilight has more resolve than I ultimately gave her credit for. Such a shame, it was going so well, too.” She shook her head, slowly creeping out of the bedroom and shutting the door behind her.

“On second thought, one last attempt before we hit the spa, just to be sure,” Twilight said.

Celestia eyed her wearily, staring over at Twilight with caution. “Please tell me you’re joking—”

Twilight, who looked like someone who had jumped out of a window, jumped out of the castle window. All of the glass in the castle shattered from the absurd amount of force behind the suicidal alicorn. Celestia could only stare ahead in disbelief.

“…Of course she wasn’t.”

…

Crunch!

…

“I-I’m alright! Unfortunately.”

"I'm going to need something stronger than tea today."