FARCE

by Royston

Rating: mature
Tags: Violence, Pinkie Pie, Death, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Original Character, Moondancer, Comedy, Horror, Profanity
Length: 2729

A dark comedic horror based around the miserable lives of the Ponyville inhabitants.

Twilight sparkle has been sent to Ponyville to live among a collection of incredibly offbeat characters with her friend MoonDancer, eventually something goes wrong causing her trip to take a turn for the worst...and it doesn't stop there.
She soon finds herself face to face with the most horrible, the most disgusting, the most evil ponies of all time.

Published 2018-02-04 03:30:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-04 03:30:06 UTC

Welcome to Ponyville

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

Due to your lack of social skills and downright arrogance in almost every situation I plonk you in I have used my power to legally transfer you over to the lonely town of Ponyville where you and you pal; Moon Dancer shall be living inside of the local library. I know I should have talked to you about this first but in all honesty, I have not got the time or effort to argue with you...so just suck it up and deal with it. Enclosed is a list of people I need you to meet in order to get the full Ponyville experience.

From your Baby sitter,

-Celestia

"Brilliant" Twilight muttered as the train to ponyville rocketed along the track from Canterlot; a city that she had lived in since she was born, a place where she felt safe and comfort, somewhere she could call home "Although I guess it’s not that bad" Moon Dancer would be meeting her at the library in Ponyville which rumour told her was inside of a large oak tree. The train ran across hills of grass and through forests made of lush green trees and terrible darkness, the Ponyville train station was barren and void of life...completely empty. Twilight stepped onto the platform and followed the various doors and into the town itself, she saw ponies of many colours walking in sync with each other as they made their way through their daily schedule. Twilight rested her eyes on a statue of a pony with the shape of angel, it held a wreath in one hoof and the had the other hoof in the air with a sense of great triumph. Meanwhile a dark cloud creeped itself over the town, forcing everyone into darkness.

Moon Dancer had missed the train to Ponyville and had to walk instead, she had travelled three miles and finally reached the welcome sign on the border of the village; "PONYVILLE: YOU WILL NEVER LEAVE".

Moon Dancer noticed a small brick house standing to the far right of the path she stood on, looking closer she could see a strange pony with a black linen coat, light brown waistcoat and red cravat walking straight up to her and as he did Moon Dancer saw his teeth were not like regular pony teeth but were infact serrated and shark like.

"Hello?" Moon Dancer greeted "what’s your name?"

The figure was about two meters away from her, he stared at her with confusion.

"You’re not from around here" it growled "why are you here?"

"I'm staying with a friend" she smiled, the strange pony returned the smile showing his sharp teeth and his dark yellow eyes seemed to smile too, although this smile seemed all too sinister.

"Then I welcome you to have tea" He waved his hoof towards the brick house "I make quite the killer brew", he then leads her inside the brick layered building and shut the door behind her. The lock then clicked into place.

Twilight drew up the list and saw the words at the very top; Pinkie Pie (Sugar Cube Corner).

"Hm, a bakery" She grumbled with her stomach "I guess I’m a little peckish".

Sugar Cube Corner was not a place of joy or happiness, but a place shrouded in mystery and darkness as Twilight found as she opened the front door and a bell rung to signal her arrival.

"Hello?" Twilight knocked on the counter, and out crept a pink pony dressed in a purple apron and a shadow across her face.

"Hello...?" The pink pony said "You are not from here"

"That’s correct" Twilight as she examined the cakes that decorated the shelves "I’m visiting for a while"

"Very well" She towered over Twilight carefully, watching her like a hawk "see anything you like?"

"Yes, I’d like the 'strawberry delight' please" Pinkie pie picked it out and handed her the cupcake, Twilight took a bite out causing strawberry sauce to cover her lips.

"Holy shit, this is delicious" She smiled as the sauce dripped down her chin "what’s your secret?"

"If I told you that..." She pressed her hoof against Twilight's chin and dipped it into the sauce as it dribbled down it, she then moved the hoof towards her own lips and licked the sauce off "I’d have to kill you". Twilight then hurried out of the bakery and down the street leaving Pinkie with a hideous grin on her face, the sauce staining her yellow teeth.

Pinkie watched the purple unicorn leave, once she was sure she was gone she walked into the back room to finish her meeting with a young Pegasus with an orange coat and purple mane.

"Where were we?" Pinkie slipped off the blind fold, the filly tried to fly away but was pinned down easily by leather straps forcing her onto the metal table, although it wouldn’t have made a difference even if she was free...she couldn’t fly properly anyway.

"So, my dear" The strange pony sat in the center of the room staring directly at her through his brown rimmed glasses that rested crookedly on an upturned, pig-like nose which matched with his ears "from what place do you originate?"

"Canterlot, it’s a couple of miles away" She tugged at her sweater, the pony's gaze stabbing into her like a knife matched with his horrendous smile that was filled with two rows of sharp, yellow teeth. "So, what do you do here?"

"I do local chores for the town" he stood up and walked over to the wall which had a drawing of a window looking out onto bright green hills, he looked at-or-through the window and smiled "but I dare explain it just yet as you will soon become very personal with the events of my work" he placed a hoof against the crayon glass and began to chuckle.

"You work for the council?" She guessed

"You said you were staying with a friend?" He twisted his body to see her, sat in the wooden chair surrounded by nothing but him and the other chair "a stallion I assume?"

"A mare actually, her name is Twilight" Violet stared and froze up when he saw the linen pig nosed pony suddenly stop, his mouth agape and his eyes as chilling as ever.

"I see, a poofter eh? Hm yes I know about you lot screeching your eyes out about how your exactly like me and everyone else" He took a step towards Violet "but why should I care?"

"Well, not exactly like you" she mumbled

"What?!" He snapped, his nostrils squinted at her just as his eyes did "do you know who I am? My name is Hobbery Tunglestein...but you WILL call me Hobbs"

"Very well Mr Hobbs, I’ll be off now" Violet took a few hoof steps towards the door but Hobbs got their first and covered the handle with his hoof, turning his head with a devilish grin at her.

"We can’t have strangers festering in MY town" He snarled as he pushed her into the far corner of the room "not on my watch".

Violet screamed her heart out but no one heard, well no one from out of town anyway...the locals were used to this sort of thing, and they didn’t care one bit.

The next pony on the list was a Pegasus named Rainbow Dash, apparently, she should be clearing the skies off clouds but obviously that hasn't happened since the dark cloud from earlier was finally releasing the sea upon Ponyville, puddles formed quickly and small floods caused an apple crate to fall over.

"Darn it!" An orange pony with a Texan accent yelped as the cart landed on her hoof "cursed rain"

"Do you need help?" Twilight moved the cart and as she did the top layer of hay blew off in the wind and tumbled down the road.

"Oh, now just look at what you have done!" Applejack pointed towards the cart which revealed to be filled with wooden boxes labelled; "DO NOT OPEN IN PUBLIC AREA".

"Oh my, what’s in there?"

"Not your ruddy business what in ther- BOMBS" The Orange pony said

"BOMBS!?" Twilight tripped over her own hooves and into the muck that covered the ground "you have got bombs in there?"

"I didn't say bombs...I said, buh-buh-" She paused "OK I said bombs...you can’t tell anyone"

"Who the hell are you?" Twilight pushed herself up and looked upon the Apple-rumped pony

"My name is Applejack"

Twilight checked her list; the third name down was the name she had heard not a minute ago...the bomb pony.

Twilight desperately needed a time out, she had only been in Ponyville for two hours and already things had taken a turn for the worst. She bolted towards the library to meet up with Moon Dancer, Twilight creaked open the door and slammed it again behind her.

"Don't slam doors" said an old mare voice "were you born in a stable?"

"Hello? Where are you?"

"I’m right here"

Twilight looked towards her left was an old mare (she guessed correct) with sickly grey skin and brown hair tied up in a bow, her rump was marked with a book and pencil.

"Who are you?" Twilight asked

"I’m Miss Figgy" she shrieked "the librarian"

"Oh" Twilight squeezed her way into the center of the room "has Moon Dancer arrived yet?"

"Who?"

"My friend"

"No idea...what does she look like?"

"Red mane, yellowish coat"

"Doesn’t ring a bell dearie"

"Oh...ill just call Canterlot to see if she’s set off yet" Twilight walked up to the phone that hung on one of the walls of the Tree-Library.

"You can’t just go around using some ponies’ phones" Figgy hassled "get out my library"

"I’m living here...with Moon Dancer" Twilight said as she punched in 999 "Celestia sent us"

"Oh" Figgy was stunned "alright then"

The phone rang.

The phone rang.

The phone rang.

The phone ra-

Vinyl Scratch sat on her stool, at her desk, in the music shop located just to the left of the town center.

"Hello, I would like to buy this please" A pony with a green sweater had just placed a bright pink guitar on the desk, Vinyl looked at him with disgust.

"You want this?" Vinyl asked, she poked the guitar and immediately retreated her hoof like she assumed the pink was contagious.

"Yep"

"You're sure?"

"Yes..." The pony was confused "why what’s wrong with it?"

"I hope it’s not for you"

"No, its for my sister"

"Your twelve-year-old sister?"

"No... she’s twenty-one"

"Oh no" Vinyl banged her head on the desk before looking back at the sweater pony with a mix of disgust and fear "what’s wrong with her?"

"Excuse me?"

"What is wrong with your sister?"

"There is nothing wrong with her" His mouth quivered "she is autistic'".

The pony watched Vinyl as she knocked her hoof against the desk in triumph.

"There we go!" She chuckled "I knew it...no one in their right mind would want that guitar"

"I beg your pardon" The pony pushed a few sheets of paper off the desk "that is incredibly offensive and I’m incredibly disgusted with you!" He placed the Bits on the counter and hurried off with the sparkly guitar.

"What...no tip!?"

"Red main, yellowish coat" The police officer described the photo of Moon Dancer to the pig nosed stallion that stood before him "seen her around here?"

"Can't say I have officer" Hobbs said with his nose high in the air "I try not to dabble with Strangers"

"Oh well call me if you do" He handed his phone number to the Pig-Pony but he shook it away.

"I don't have a phone" he moved away towards the door and opened it, showing the officer his way out “terrible things"

"Well if you see her anywhere just head up to Canterlot station and find me" The police officer made his way out but was halted by Hobbs suddenly slamming the door, a raven that was perched on the gate could sense the oncoming events and cawed in warning.

"Canterlot?" He snarled "you're not from Ponyville?"

"Um, no... somepony called the station" The officer told him "someone from Ponyville:

"A stranger" Hobbs locked the door and creeped closer to the Officer "what’s your name?"

"Penners"

"well Officer Penners" Hobbs pushed up his glasses and flared his snout "I will not have another stranger trying to fill my town with disease"

"Another?"

"Hm?" Hobbs coughed

"Another stranger?" Penner began to slowly join the dots "do you mean Moon Dancer?"

"What" Hobbs backed away "of course not", then suddenly a banging was heard from upstairs which also caused a worried look on his pig like face to grow.

"What was that?" Officer Penners made his way towards the staircase

"It’s my wife" Hobbs answered "you...must have woken her".

Penners then felt something smack the back of his head.

Pinkie Pie knew everyone in Ponyville, she had contacts all around the town and everyone knew it. She worked at Sugar Cube Corner 24/7 which she enjoyed doing...her special ingredient was certainty the talk of the town, but on some days, she had to put away her spatula and bring out something much sharper.

"How are we today little one?" She spoke to the orange filled strapped to the table as she sharpened the thin blade strapped to her hoof "this won’t hurt a bit", she slowly inched the object towards the gum line of the filly and pushed inside....

"Ouch!" Scootaloo yelped "are you done?"

"All done!" She giggled as she untied her "how do you feel?"

"Much better now...thanks Pinkie"

"No problem kiddo"

She watched her leave the bakery and lifted the metallic tray that held out two of Scootaloo's bad teeth inside it. "To many sweets" she muttered as she placed them in a bag filled with other teeth, a cluster of yellows, whites and blacks.

Vinyl swung open the door of her home of which was located near the library and the post office where she met with the fierce scowl of her roommate, Octavia.

"The music shop called me" Her face was not happy.

"What about?" Vinyl said casually as she placed her headphones on the table next to her bed.

"You know what" Octavia said "you abused a man...about his sister...who has learning difficulties"

"Look it wasn't my fault" She cried "he was buying a pink guitar!"

"I don't care about your excuses Vinyl" she shouted "this has happened way too many times"

Vinyl then noticed Octavia was wearing a dress decorated with jewels of various colours, a necklace hung around her neck and reflected the moonlight as it shone through the curtain.

"Are you going somewhere?"

"Yes...I’m off to Canterlot" Octavia said, grabbing her bag and heading for the door.

"DON'T LEAVE ME!!!" Vinyl grabbed her and fell to the floor "I'M NOTHING WITHOUT YOU!"

"I'm coming back dumb ass" she grinned "I’m going to the Summer sun celebration"

"Oh...right" Vinyl let go of her and watched as she swung the door open to greet two Ponyville police officers.

"We are looking for a Miss Scratch" one of them said through his moustache "due to an incident that took place earlier today" Octavia pointed towards the white unicorn and hurried towards her taxi as the officers converged onto her.

Ponyville was quiet, the sound of hooves patted as a carriage drifted passed the Library where Twilight was arguing with an old lady inside the great oak.

The carriage passed the bakery where in the dim light, one could see a pink pony dragging something large into the cellar.

It carried on towards the outskirts of town as it headed towards the summer sun celebration in Canterlot. Octavia peeked out through the window and saw a large bonfire next to a strange house with no windows, the fire held two large bags that slowly melted away leaving what seemed like a face being licked by the flames, an even stranger figure watched Octavia with innocent eyes...he had large pig ears and the snout of one as well.

The pony waved at her with a smile showing a row of sharp teeth, Octavia fled back into the safety behind the curtain of the taxi and headed towards Canterlot...