Forgive Yourself

by KayeStar

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Princess Luna
Length: 3166

Despite that everypony has forgiven her, Luna still lives with the guilt of her actions and it eventually builds up too much for her to live with. Worse, guilt is only part of it.

Luna has never thought she really deserved her subjects' or her sister's forgiveness. Often, she questioned it, though she kept these thoughts to herself. When the pain of her past and her guilt continually eat away at her, she feels she deserves the pain, but she can only live with it for so long. Luna doesn't believe she should be in Equestria, let alone remain a princess. However, somepony else thinks very differently. If only Luna could see what she sees.

Published 2018-01-24 06:10:13 UTC
Last updated 2018-01-24 06:10:13 UTC

Don't Leave Us Again

The quill hovered in her magical hold, but it made no movement on the blank scroll beneath it. For at least an hour, she'd been trying to figure out what to write. She knew what she wanted to say, yet she couldn't make the words leave her mind. Why was she hesitant? Was it fear? Or maybe it was the pain that stopped her. That same pain that was the reason she was trying to write this letter.

She scrunched her face for a few moments, trying desperately to restrain the tears that threatened to pour out. She had to get something on that paper. She couldn't leave without saying something. Well, she could, but this was the least, the last thing she could do.

With the quill shaking, she forced herself to slowly begin what would be the last anypony ever heard of her.

Dear Celestia...

The sun pony wearily walked through the halls, hanging her head in exhaustion. It wasn't time to lower the sun yet, meaning her day had ended early, a rare treat. Or it would've been a treat if she weren't exhausted all the same as usual.

She decided a small snack of cake wouldn't do any harm before turning in for the night. However, before she could begin making her way to the kitchen, the doors to the hall she was in burst open.

"Princess Celestia! Your Highness! Hurry! Princess!"

Several of her guards were running toward her, obviously in a state of panic. She was instantly alert. Her guards had always been professional, so for any of them to come to her like this was an undeniable sign something was wrong.

"Please calm yourselves!" Celestia commanded. "What is going on?"

"It is Princess Luna!" one of the guards answered. "You must hurry to the balcony at once! You will see for yourself! Please, Your Highness!"

Luna? What could have happened? Surely, if there were some threat, Luna would've come to Celestia on her own. How could anypony have even gotten into the castle undetected to threaten Luna? Celestia shook all the questioning thoughts from her head to give the guards her attention.

"Thank you. I will go at once."

She teleported out of sight.

Luna precariously perched herself on the balcony. She had bound her wings with a piece of rope, strengthened by a spell to prevent her from instinctively spreading her wings to break them free. A few chills ran down her spine as she looked over what she could see of Equestria. She thought about her friends in Ponyville: the little fillies who seemed to be on a never-ending quest for their cutie marks. Twilight Sparkle, the first friend she'd made when she first ventured out after recovering from being stripped of darkness by the elements. She thought about Cadance, her sister's niece, who had invited her to her wedding and even held off on the reception until evening to still allow Luna to sleep off the exhaustion of her nightly duties. Finally, she thought of Celestia, her big sister. The sister who she betrayed, who forgave her without question, and who returned her authority and title without so much as a brief hesitation. Celestia had wanted to treat the whole incident like it never happened, for their lives to resume like they were never interrupted.

But Luna couldn't do that. She couldn't forget, she couldn't forgive herself, and now... she couldn't live with herself anymore.

The guilt, the depression, the pain. It had all become too much.

"Goodbye, Equestria," she whispered. She held her hoof to her eye to stop a tear from falling. She wouldn't delay any longer. Her time was over.

She jumped.

She fell a few feet until she suddenly stopped. She opened her eyes to realize she was suspended in mid-air. But how? She wasn't doing this. She fought to get free, but whatever was holding her was stronger. She tried using her own magic to push herself down, but whatever this hold was fought harder to pull her back up. Luna fought harder too, and the magical holds were evenly matched until Luna felt herself be physically grabbed tightly and hurriedly pulled upwards. Before she could fully realize what was going on, she was plopped back onto the balcony. She looked ahead of her in anger, only for her face to become one of shock when she could finally clearly see who exactly had interfered. Her shocked face was met with one that appeared outwardly angry, but also had some sadness behind it.

"What... were... you doing?!"

"Just listen! I have my reasons!"

Before Luna could say any more, Celestia grabbed her sister in her magic hold once again and teleported both of them to her bedroom. She set Luna on her bed, more gently this time, and covered both of them with a blanket. She ignited her fireplace with a weak flare and took a moment to compose herself before turning back to Luna, though her face still sported that look of anger and worry.

Several painful moments of silence passed before either sister spoke.

"I'm listening," Celestia said, forcing her tone to stay soft.

Trembling and barely able to restrain her tears, Luna reached under the pillow and pulled out the scroll. She passed it to Celestia, who simply held it on the floor with her hoof as she read it aloud.

Dear Celestia,
I am so sorry. I love you. I want to be here with you. But I am afraid I don't deserve it. I can't keep living like this. I know why you wanted to pretend Nightmare Moon never happened, but I can't do it. She will always be a part of me because...
The paper had become smudged at that point, but Celestia was still able to make out the remainder of the letter.

I am ashamed of it, but I... I still... I feel... I am jealous. I cannot stop this feeling of living in your shadow, and I won't risk succumbing to darkness again. I am leaving. Equestria will be fine under your rule, as it was for the time I was absent. There only needs to be one princess: you. An immature, jealous princess is unneeded. Goodbye.
~ Luna
"You weren't supposed to find it until---"

Luna paused when Celestia grabbed her with her hooves and held her tightly. So tightly, she could barely move.

"Sister, what are you doing? Please let go of me!" Luna pleaded.

"No!" She didn't yell, but her voice had a strong tone to it. "You should've considered that before you tried to leave us."

Finally, Luna's wall of restraint crumbled. She couldn't hold it in anymore. She tried to leave to do what she thought would be at least one good thing for Equestria, and instead, she once again hurt the pony she loved most. She shoved her face into Celestia's shoulder, trembling heavily, and wailed.

Celestia removed her shoes from her front hooves and loosened her grip, only so she wasn't squeezing Luna. She gently stroked Luna's back as she watched her cry out, her shoulder barely muffling the volume.

"Let it all out, my sister."

No longer having a choice, Luna did. To say the least, it was painful. Any pain she let out seemed quickly replaced with more she'd forgotten she buried. It was more than the last few years. Every bit of guilt, sadness, and anger she buried---before, after, and even during her banishment---surfaced. It was all coming out, whether Luna wanted it to or not. And Celestia softly assured her that was okay.

It was a long time before Luna began to calm down. She tried to speak, but only choked. Her trembling stopped and she tried to force herself to quiet down until Celestia told her not to. She finally returned the embrace, wrapping her hooves around Celestia as tightly as she could while she continued crying until she had no more tears to shed.

Neither sister was aware how much time passed before Luna settled down. Only when Luna pointed it out after she was quiet did they realize it was time for the sun to set. Celestia simply set the sun from her window instead of returning to the balcony. Then, she looked to Luna.

"Are you going to raise the moon? Equestria is waiting."

Luna stared out the window and did raise the moon, though it seemed more taxing than usual for her tonight. She still said nothing, her gaze shifting from the window to the floor. Celestia pushed her head up, so they were looking directly at each other.

Celestia spoke calmly, but still firmly.

"I had just finished the last of my duties. I was going to get a bit of cake before I retired for the night. The guards come running to me in a panic, insisting I go to the balcony and that you're in trouble. I'm thinking you're locked into battle with an opponent I somehow missed, or something has trapped you, or maybe you collapsed from some kind of illness. I could never have imagined I'd see you making an attempt on your life if I hadn't seen it today. Why?"

"I wrote the letter to explain. It tells you."

"No, it doesn't. This letter does not tell me why you considered taking your life a better option than sitting down with me and talking about it."

"I know why you wanted to pretend Nightmare Moon never happened, but I can't do it," Luna quoted verbatim.

"That does not answer my question!" Celestia was forcing herself to keep her tone steady. "Why did you not come to me? If you were struggling to leave it behind, why didn't you approach me about it? Yes, I was hoping we could resume our lives like it had never happened, but if that wasn't possible for you at the moment, why didn't you tell me so?"

Luna was silent again. She had no answer.

"Luna, do you forget I am your sister? Yes, we have our squabbles and we tease each other from time to time, but there will never be anything you cannot tell me. It will always be okay to come to me, especially if you are hurting. Didn't I already make that mistake? I noticed you were unhappy, you were beginning to withdraw, and I assumed it was jealousy, but I blew it off as sibling rivalry and assumed it would pass as all of our troubles usually did. I paid the consequences for that assumption, as did you, and I swore I'd be a better sister when you returned. But I am not omnipotent, Luna. I won't see everything all of the time. I have to trust you will tell me and give me a chance to help you."

"There is nothing you can do," Luna muttered sadly. "Neither you nor I can change what happened or how I feel."

Celestia gestured to the letter again. "Luna," she sighed, "you must get this imaginary competition out of your head."

"Excuse me?"

"I have never considered myself higher than you, Luna, and you know that," Celestia reminded her. "We are not competitors. We are equal partners. There is no need to compare yourself to me. I raise the sun, yes, but you..." She squeezed Luna again for a moment. "...are my sun. Stop this. You have your own light that shines brightly. What is necessary for you to see that?"

"Sister, even if what you say were truth---"

Celestia pounded her hoof, quieting Luna in an instant. "It is truth. You are not Nightmare Moon. She is no longer part of you." Celestia flared her horn and cast a spell. An illusion came over their surroundings and Luna saw a visual of her playing with the cutie mark crusaders.

"Thanks for coming to my birthday party, Princess Luna!" Sweetie Belle had said. "You won't be tired, right?"

"I am just fine, Sweetie. Worry not about me," Luna had assured her. "I am flattered you would invite me. Though, I confess this dress you insisted I wear confuses me."

"I asked Rarity to make it since you helped me," Sweetie Belle explained.

"And it was certainly no extra trouble, Your Highness," Rarity insisted, hearing their conversation as she walked by. "Anything for the princess who took care of my little sister."

Celestia dimmed the illusion to see how Luna was reacting.

"Yes, I remember that," Luna said, smiling as she recalled it in her own mind. "I do not care much for fancy gowns, but I thanked them and the dress hangs in my closet."

"Are you saying Nightmare Moon would set aside regal responsibilities to attend a child's birthday party?" Celestia asked.

"No. She wouldn't," Luna admitted.

Celestia ended the illusion, restoring their surroundings to normal. "Do you regret the friends you've made since your return? Meeting Cadance? You know she calls you her aunt as well. And the burden you've lifted off of me? Do you regret that?"

"Wait, burden? What are you referring to?" Luna asked.

"When I sent you away to the moon, I was forced to take up your duties in addition to mine," Celestia explained. "Did I ever tell you the last time I got a full night's sleep before you returned? The night before I banished you. Between the night I banished you and the morning you returned, I never had one full night of sleep."

Luna's stunned face said it all.

"And this time, you tried to leave me of your own will..."

"I... I did not mean to betray you again."

"Betrayal? Is that what you feel guilt for?"

"Among other things, yes," Luna confessed.

Celestia shook her head. "Luna, I also bear sins from that night, and many before it. I showed no care for your troubles. My assumption was innocent, but still wrong. Luna, please, you must stop tearing yourself down. You aren't the only one who makes mistakes, you aren't the only one who holds shame, you aren't the only pony with doubts and insecurities. You aren't alone anymore."

"I know I am not."

"Then, stop behaving like you are. Stop hiding your feelings from me." It was more pleading than stern. "Stop comparing your light to mine. You shine beautifully, Luna. It's about time you began to see it."

Celestia lit her horn again and gently touched the tip of Luna's. Luna's eyes glowed and several memories rushed through her mind at once. All the things she'd done since her return came to the front of her mind: raising and setting the moon, guarding the dream realm, assisting her subjects, helping Celestia with court before she set up her own, attending weddings, her and Celestia making each other laugh. Even some memories before her banishment surfaced, such as she and Celestia locking away Discord, that one time she and Celestia accidentally made the sun and moon clash, and the occasion Celestia got too drunk at her own birthday party and Luna had to help her to bed.

When Celestia dimmed her horn and lifted it from Luna's, she looked to see her sister had an almost tearful smile on her face.

"Thank you, Celestia."

"Talk to me from now on," Celestia implored. "I can't lose you again, Luna. Please. You can always come to me to get something off your chest."

"I promise. I will never try to leave you again."

"And you will stop comparing us?" Celestia asked. "It really breaks my heart you see yourself so poorly."

"I... I can try."

"I suppose that's a start."

Luna sighed contently. "I do feel much better. I didn't expect you to take it so personally."

"You didn't expect me to take knowing my little sister is struggling, is afraid to come to me, and would attempt to take away her very life personally? I don't know how to respond to that." The smile that followed let Luna know the last sentence was somewhat in jest. "Now, if I'm not mistaken, it's nighttime, and I believe that is your domain to guard. Our subjects are waiting."

Luna beamed and stood proudly.

"One more thing," Celestia said. "If you ever try to leave me again, I will lock you away... in your room with me and we will hug until every last bit of pain is wrung out of you. Understood?"

"Yes, sister," Luna laughed. "Thank you again."

"Thank you for talking to me."

Luna exited Celestia's room and teleported off to the dream realm while Celestia laid her head down to finally get some sleep. A second later, she sat back up and looked down. Luna's letter was still there. Celestia flared her horn, but just then, another idea came to her. Instead of burning it, she erased what Luna wrote to write her own note in its place. She took a quill from nearby, took a few moments to think, and began to write.

Luna returned from the dream realm, exhausted as usual and ready for bed. She smiled at the morning sun and thought back to her conversation with Celestia. She headed to her bedroom, only to find a note on the door.

My dearest sister,
I have left a gift in your room. Whenever you feel down on yourself, look into it and remember the successes you've achieved, the friends you have made, and all of us who love you. Remember you are Princess Luna.
I love you and I am always here for you.
~ Celestia
Luna took the note in her magical grasp and entered her room. Next to her bed, she saw, stood a tall mirror with a border adorned with crescent moon molds. Luna walked up to it and stared at her reflection. She thought about everything Celestia had said to her last night. Slowly, she repeated it to herself.

"I have my own light. I shine brightly. My sister and I are equal." Subconsciously, her smile began to return. "I am not Nightmare Moon. I am... I am Luna. I am not alone anymore. I am... I am very loved."

"And forgiven," Celestia whispered, briefly startling her.

"Celestia!"

"Say it."

"I am very loved. And forgiven."

A hug followed and the sisters looked in the mirror together. "I hope one day, those are the only thoughts about yourself that fill your mind."

"Maybe I can try to start today."

Author's Note

I know this subject has been done to death, but there are so many ways to do it since it's never explored in depth in canon. This particular story takes place before the tantabus, however, or rather, it's an alternative to it. Though I can imagine Luna would've been heading in this direction since she blatantly says she wanted to ensure she'd never forgive herself. Really, if she doesn't consider a thousand years of isolated exile enough punishment, what would be?