Duncan and the Elemints of Harmony
Once Upon a Time there were two tyrants; one was in control of the life-giving sun, and the other got the stupid moon. All the ponies loved the sister with the sun and basked in its warmth. They gave the moon sister no respect and slept though her reign over the world. The moon chick got pissed and started being a total bitch to everypony, so her sister banished her to the moon for 1000 years with the elements of harmony.
"The elements of harmony..." Duncan Swan thought out loud. "I know I've heard of them before. Oh yeah, it's in my library under W.B.C., for who the buck cares?" Duncan got up from under the tree and put his dragon on his back. Duncan
Swan was a big pony, A REALLY big pony. He was almost as tall as his teacher Princess Celestia. He had a white coat and a dark blackish brown mane. It was the kind of mane that no matter how much you combed or washed it, it would always be matted and tangled up in its self.
Walking to the library to return the story Duncan passed some mares. "Hello Duncan," they said cheerfully.
"Do I know you?" he asked in reply. Duncan was intelligent but he still was stupid, he didn't know they liked him. Heck, Hey couldn't take a hint if you covered it in sugar with a sign that said "THIS IS A HINT DUNCAN!" in red letters then gave it to him served on a silver platter. He just walked on. "Weirdos." Duncan said to his dragon Zulu. Zulu was a grass green dragon with a little pink belly. Zulu replied with a little snap of his green jaws.
"Hiss, hack ssss." he growled out.
"Yes Zulu, It has been 1000 years since NightMare Moon was banished." Zulu made more hisses. "No Zulu, I don't think it's real. You know my rules. Rule three: Never believe apocalyptic predictions from Ponytails." Zulu snapped his jaws. "That's the one exception." Zulu snapped he's maw once more. "You know what Zulu? Shut the buck up, but I still don't want to be around when she is supposed to return… You know, Just in case." Zulu nodded in agreement.
Zulu hacked up a letter. "Such an inhumane mail system…" Duncan scowled, as he began to read. "Dear Duncan, Go to Ponyville and yadda, yadda, yadda 'Par-tay' Bla, Bla, Bla." He looked to his little scaly friend. "Looks like we have our ticket out of Canterlot, Score!" Duncan then "Bro-hoofed" with Zulu.
After departing the royal chariot that brought him to the little town in the middle of nowhere Duncan looked at the list he made. He loved making lists, normally without them he is unorganized and his life falls into chaos. "Okay Zulu, We need to talk to some colt named Apple Jack at Sweet Apple Acres." Zulu hissed. After about a minute they made it to the fruit orchard. A mare with freckles and a "cow-pony" hat walked up to them with a HUGE grin. "Oh hello." Duncan said to her "I'm looking for one 'Apple Jack' do you know him?"
"That would be me, Pleased to meet y'all." She answered him in a "southern" accent.
"I'm here to see how the food for the party is go-"Before Duncan could even finish his sentence she interrupted him with a very long list of apple-based treats. "Okay?" Duncan started to turn and leave when she stopped him.
"You still haven't met the family yet!" she drawled out. She went over the same list of foods as before only this time she pointed to other ponies. "And this is Big Macintosh." They stared into each others eyes for a while. They were each of the same build, but Duncan was taller than the red colt. They each had that "I'd rather be someplace else" look, and then Duncan said
"As much as I'd like to hear about your family's incest problem, I really need to get going." He then checked off food on his list and left.
"Its ponies like that who gives us southerners a bad name, Zulu." Duncan told his reptilian pal "Okay. We need to talk to a 'Rainbow Dash' about the weath-" Duncan was interrupted again, this time by being knocked into the mud by a Pegasus pony. "Hey man, I don't like my job either, but you don't see me goofing off and pushing ponies into the dirt!" Duncan sneered out as he got up. He was soaking wet in filth.
"I'm not a man." The little blue pony said to him. Duncan had a confused look on his face. He looked under the winged horse, after noticing the lack on what makes a colt a colt he said
"Oh, I guess you aren't. Good for you." Duncan then just walked away. "Let's just check off weather." Zulu looked up to him with an expression of it's for the best.
Duncan ran into a skipping pink pony. She gasped and ran away. "You know what Zulu? I'm beginning to think Ponyville is where Celestia sends all the crazy ponies to live." Zulu hissed then giggled. "No Zulu, I'm not one of them, but you fit in perfectly!" Zulu gave me a glare that could curdle milk. "Let's check on Rarity with the decorations." Duncan looked around the room. Banners hung everywhere streamers were wrapped around the columns and what looked like ticker-tape lay on the ground. A white coated pony with a curled purple mane and dazzling blue eyes saw Duncan's wet mess of hair and started to clean him up while talking about fashion or something along the lines of that. "What are you dong?" Duncan said worriedly as she started to dress him.
"So, where are you from dear?" she asked.
"Um…Canterlot..." Duncan said in nervous tone as she worked.
"Oh my, Canterlot!" You must take me there someday!" she went on about the style and class of the place as Duncan snuck out the back.
"That was…strange. Well we are down to one last thing to check…and I get this nice suit! When we are done we can plan on where to run away to. How's the Bahamas sound to you?" Zulu smiled then gave a little growl. "I hate this place too, Zhu."
When Duncan saw the little yellow pony and her singing birds he went over to say hello. She hid her face almost immediately. "Great, another mentally challenged pony." Duncan said under his breath. "Well, the birds are singing, that's good enough for me. Zulu, Check it off." Once the shy little horse saw the thunder lizard she ran up.
"Is that a baby dragon? I've never seen one before! Can he talk?" She let out excitedly.
"Ummm… Yes, but only dragon. I need to translate for him." He answered with a worried look.
"Oh Wow!"
After a seemingly endless three minutes of translating Zulu's insults into compliments about her mane we finally made it to my new home. Duncan slammed the door in Fluttershy's face. "Finally, Peace and quiet! I swear, Next time I see Celestia I'm going to-"The lights turned on.
"SURPRISE!" everypony shouted as Duncan jumped and landed on his back panting. For such a big pony Duncan is very VERY easy to scare. "Hi! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I threw this party just for you!" During the hyperactive pony's speech about seeing a new pony in town Duncan poured himself a drink.
"Gah! This is so sweet!" Duncan spat it out then looked at the label on the bottle. "Hot sauce? My furry flank! This tastes like sugar covered candy dipped in frosting!" As Duncan walked into his room he heard the little pink mare's screams of pain as she drank the spice fluids.
After a well earned nap Zulu woke up Duncan for the party. "Let's get this over with, Zulu.
"And now introducing Princess Celestia!" Said the Mayor. An awkward moment of silence passed. It seemed like nothing would happen. But then a black misty fog swirled around and then the silhouette of a tall lean pony appeared. It wasn't Celestia. The black mare with a blue mane Walked out of the haze.
"IT'S NIGHT MARE MOON!" Somepony shouted in terror. Duncan gazed in awe. Not only because the fact his third rule was wrong.
"S-s-she's BEAUTIFUL!" Zulu just looked up at his companion. "What can I say? I like my mares big and black. Anything wrong with that, Zulu?" He continued to stare up.
Duncan was too intrigued by the magnificence of the horse to hear what her dastardly plan was, but next thing he knew he was just outside the woods with the five ponies he met earlier.
"COME ON! WE NEED TO STOP HER!" said the tan one with a hat. Duncan Swan followed them like a duckling with out noticing his actions. If only he had been paying attention.
"Ooof!" Duncan puffed out as he rammed into something big and fuzzy. He looked up only to see some sort of monster. A disgusting beast with the body of a lion the wings of a dragon and some other nasty body parts. The only thing louder than the brute's growling was Duncan's scream of surprise. Rarity ran up and bucked the beast in the face. She wasn't going to let her ticket to Canterlot get eaten. Fluttershy stopped the assault only to perform something of biblical proportions as she removed a thorn from the big baby's paw. Duncan didn't really care much about this; he was trying to slow his heart to a non-explosive tempo.
"DAMN! I am GLAD that is over with." Duncan said. He spoke too soon, the cliff-side deteriorated from beneath his hooves and he began his vertical descent of the mountain. Applejack grabbed a hold of him just in time.
"Now you're gonna' have ta' trust me on this" the informed Duncan of "But, You're gonna' need to let go."
"Well, it's not like I've enjoyed this life so far." Duncan muttered to himself as he let go. The two Pegasus ponies caught him mid-fall.
"WE SAVED YOUR LIFE!" they cheered out
"I'm so ecstatic." Duncan said sarcastically. "You can drop me off anywhere. OH! That pit over there looks nice."
Duncan had become aware of the fact that the other ponies had come to a halt. "Are we quitting already?" he questioned them. He turned around and saw that the trees seemed to have scary faces. "It's just a tree, not to scary." Then something truly scary materialized into existence. Not something Duncan could see, it was an attack on his eardrums, a high pitched assault in company of a battery loaded with soprano notes. Pinkie had begun to sing. All her lyrics were lies; no matter how much he laughed she would not disappear.
Duncan barely survived the musical number when he came upon yet another obstacle. He looked up at the purple dragon sitting in a rapidly flowing river. "Oh what's wrong with you?" Duncan interviewed in an annoyed tone.
"My beautiful moose-tash! Half of it is gone!" he pointed to the ragged shortened hairs on the right side of his muzzle.
"Oh, You poor darling!" Rarity puttied the river demon. She did something Duncan would never have expected; she cut off her outstandingly curly tail and stuck it on the monster's face.
"Damn, they're all crazy." She had just confirmed Duncan's beliefs. He waded through the water just because he could.
Duncan's head start on the other ponies turned out to be useless. "Oh look. The bridge is out, I am going to go home now." when he turned around he meet the disapproving glares of the mares. "On second though, I'll just tag along a bit longer." Dash flew across to fix the bridge. A moment or two passed so Duncan decided to speak his mind. "I think she is dead, Can I go home now?". The connection over the ravine was pulled together a second after his comment.
"Hey look! The bridge is fixed" Dash was patting herself on the back more than saying that to anypony.
"Wooptie-buckin'-Doo!" Duncan exclaimed in a depressing pitch as they crossed the bridge to the ruins of a stone castle. When they had entered the palace Duncan took a minute to look around and saw nothing "I don't see anything. I HAVE AN IDEA! Let's give up!" she stated. He was again visited by the stone cold stare of the girls.
"What about these?" pinkie said excitedly and she rolled some heavy boulders with engravings in them. As Duncan pushed the rocks together they began to give off an electric discharge. The weather changed immediately as a tornado came from the center of the circle. The cyclone engulfed Duncan, then it, the stones, and he had despaired from the vicinity.
After the nauseating spinning feeling had stopped, Duncan got a chance to get an idea of his surroundings. He was in a room with Night Mare Moon. "Ignorant Foal, You though you could beat ME?" she empathized the last word as she crushed the stones with her long powerful slender legs.
"Okay you win, can I go home now?" what he had said sounded mumbled do to the fact he was drooling over what he had just witnessed.
"That's it? You are just giving up?" She asked in a confused voice.
"Sure. Why not? I don't like Celestia that much anyways. I'd much rather dance in the moon's light then have the sun burn my skin." She now was the one with the drooling gaze. She had never met a colt that shared her interests. The colts always seemed to shun her by sleeping through her reign over Equestria. She didn't have a chance to say anything to the white horse across from her, because right at that moment, five mares burst through the door to her throne room.
"Come on Duncan!" Applejack shouted "Lets get her!" Duncan sighed
"Sorry about this." The stone shards from what was once the elements of harmony began to float into the air. "The hey is going on?" Duncan asked as he saw the stones fly around him and the other ponies. Duncan began to say who represented what element. "Ummmm…" Duncan started "Applejack has a huge family and I'm sure there is something going on within it so… SHE REPRESENTS THE ELEMENT OF INCEST AND INBREEDING! Rainbow Dash's love for all things 'cool' and lack of hesitance for pushing me into the mud represents THE ELEMENT OF BEING AN INSUFFERABLE DOUCHE BAG!" Duncan was just drawing at straws. "Pinkie Pie is THE ELEMENT OF INSANITY and Rarity is THE ELEMENT OF VANITY!" Duncan shouted out "Because I think her love for animals goes deeper than healing them, Fluttershy represents THE ELEMENT OF BESTIALITY! And I would rather be somewhere else so I represent THE ELEMENT OF NOT GIVING A BUCK!" Duncan looked around "Together we are the… ummmm…. PonyRangers! Yeah, let's go with that." The stones started to glow and then turned into really cool looking necklaces. While Duncan was waiting to get his marvelous accessory he felt a sudden weight on his head. He got a crown. Not only a crown had he gotten, but a mare's crown. Duncan had received a tiara. Duncan opened his mouth to complain except he was drowned out by a rainbow that shot out from him and his friends which then inundated the exiled princess. All that was left was a small scared pony, only just taller than Duncan.
"Oh look who decided to show up to the party." Duncan spat out like a cobra venomously spits at a threat. Celestia had teleported into the room.
"I'm Sooooo sorry!" the blue mare said as she ran to her elder sibling then cried into her chest. Duncan smiled at her when she looked back. All she did was blush then return to the sobbing.
"I came as soon as I could. And I see you've made friends Duncan." She observed the five mares standing around Duncan. "So I have decided that you shall continue you studies of friendship in Ponyville with them." Duncan looked out the window wondering if a fall from this height would kill him.
"Only one way to find out." He spoke to himself followed by and charge then jump through the casement. The tingling sensation of falling had stopped "Am I dead?" He though out loud the figured out the fact that he was being pulled back into the room. Celestia had used her magic just in time to save the stallion from becoming a splattered mess in the courtyard.
"What was that all about?" she asked
"Oh… I was so excited I tried to get to Ponyville as soon as a could to start." He lied.
"Okay." She said as the worried that her faithful student had just become suicidal. "I'll just take you to town." She didn't want him to try to jump off of anything else so she just teleported them all home. She left in her royal chariot after explaining to Duncan how he needed to write a "Friendship Report" to her every week.
Duncan watched the topless carriage fade into the distance. Once he was sure she was gone he ran inside to find all his knives and ropes were gone. "This is going to be a long year." He said to his scaled comrade. Duncan saw that the five mares were waiting outside for him. "I hate my life." He took a deep breath and stepped outside.
THE END*
* For now
"DAMN IT!" Duncan shouted as he read what came after the "*"
