The Average Day of A Bad Self Insert: The Sequel: The Prequelby Alfoals TrottenbauerChaptersII - Meanwhile...III - Morning Either WayIV - Bedtime for an Unpleasant MareV - [Edgy Title]VII - Mary SueVIII - PurgatoryX - Well Roadapples.XIII - OverthrownXV - Robot SparkleXVI - EnsembleXVII - ArmyXVIII - RecruitmentXIX - "Medicine"XX - [Insert End Title]I - Wake Up CallVI - VaporwaveIX - FreedomXI - Bad Fan FictionXII - RequestXIV - Trash DimensionII - Meanwhile..."Um, your majesty?" Shining Armor asked. "Yes?" Celestia responded. "We... Have reports that your student, Twilight Sparkle set the whole of Ponyville on fire, and that fire has spread to the Everfree Forest." He explained. She put a hoof to her face. "Me damn it..." She said to herself. "Also, the townsponies are homeless and need shelter." He continued. Her expression grew worse. "Let them stay here." She said, irritated. III - Morning Either WayHe sat in the grass, out of the way of the blistering inferno that was now his hometown and placidly ate a lettuce sandwich. He was used to this sort of thing happening by now. The fire started getting a bit closer. After all, it wasn't even time to go to work. He had about an hour. He thought about the Steamed Tofu. Maybe he could trot down to Burger Princess instead. The fire started licking at his tail. He calmly got up and trotted to Sweet Apple Acres early. The orchard was surprisingly not on fire. Applejack was leaning on the fence, looking at the raging blazes. "Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, the only apple orchard in town that ain't a pile-a ash!" She said as she looked up. "Oh, hi there, Ace. Ya know what to do." She indicated towards the apple trees. Ace trotted past the gate and went up to a tree with a basket. He bucked it, and the apples fell off into the basket. He repeated this for a few hours. "Work's over, Ace." Applejack said. "Did you hear that Twi's on a rampage?" Ace asked. "Yeah, I also know why." She replied to him, "It's 'cause of the pressure that Celestia put on her, becoming a princess, never dying and whatnot." She explained. "Thanks." Ace said as he galloped past her toward the flames. IV - Bedtime for an Unpleasant Mare"Pwincess Cewestia, can you wead me a bedtime stowy?" A little colt who rested in a chair asked for the fifteenth time. "Why sure! Once there was an annoying colt who had to go to bed or else the Princess of Equestria would burn his ass. That colt happened to be you. The end. Goodnight." Celestia snapped. The young stallion cried softly into the chair. It wasn't silence, but Celestia could make do with it. She lay in her bed and closed her eyes. If she didn't sleep, she could always "Forget" to raise the sun. V - [Edgy Title]Ace trotted past the flaming town and into the burning forest. There was a clear path of destruction where Twilight had gone. He galloped to Zecora's hut. Zecora was still there. "Zecora, Twilight's on a rampage! Is there a way to fix it?" Ace asked. "No." Was her answer, strangely without rhyming. "Alright, I guess that answers that." Ace remarked. The stallion trotted out of the hut. Twilight had been waiting for him. "What's up, bitch?" She greeted. "Fuck off, Twilight." 'Why bitch? Are you afraid?" "Go die somewhere." Ace responded She bucked his face with her back hooves, knocking him out. VII - Mary SueThe pony that emerged was Rainbow Sparkle. Her rainbow-gold and silver eyes gleamed in the sun. "Ace! My Husband!" She cried out. "Aw, shit." Ace remarked as he began to run away. Rainbow Sparkle was too fast, however. She lifted Ace up and galloped away with him. "Let me go, damn you!" Ace shouted. "Ace," She gasped, "You've been corrupted with profanity." "What are you talking about?" He asked, questioning her sanity for the most part. "We've got to take you to Universe Singularity the omniscient wizard in the Rainbow Village." She clarified. "Wait, who?" "Universe Singularity!" She exclaimed. They were suddenly flying. "Wait, how are we in the air?" "Don't you remember, silly? I'm an Alicorn!" She remarked. They were headed somewhere Ace never heard of. VIII - PurgatoryThey flew over a volcano, and Rainbow Sparkle accidentally let go of Ace. "Rainbow, you're a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" Ace cried out as he fell into the magma. His mane and tail burnt off quickly, and his coat was gone. Ace sunk into the lava. He was awake for some reason, he could only see red. His vision cleared out, he was in Cloudsdale somehow. A light shone above him. It began to speak. "Ace Sparks, you are the first of your kind to enter heaven." God said. "Um, isn't this Cloudsdale?" Ace asked. "No, this is Heaven." God said, confused. "Wait, if this is the ancient human construct, why aren't I in Hell? I mean, I've cussed, done drugs, killed ponies, worshipped idols, flew, used magic, was a disbeliever, and just about anthing else you can think of..." Ace ran on and on with the list. "Well, I guess you're right then, off to hell with you." God said. With a snap, Ace was in the lake of fire, which just happened to be the house of Matt Beard Sparkle. A Twilight doll was chained up on the bed. Satan, the owner of the house walked in, without clothes. Ace's eyes widened in fear. Matt's eyes widened in happiness, as he screamed in delight. Ace soon realized HE was chained up as well. He tried to break free, but he couldn't move. Matt walked behind him, you can guess the rest. X - Well Roadapples.Ace woke up to being tied up on a chair. "What the fuck do you want with me, anyway?" Ace asked. Rainbow Sparkle was levitating a saw. "We need your horn." She answered. "But why?" Ace asked. "Well, um... I don't actually know..." Rainbow Sparkle answered. "Because I heard it grows your penis." Universe Singularity answered. "Wait, what the hell?" Ace replied. She began sawing off Ace's horn. A plume of smoke flared out from the wooden floor. Suddenly, the hut started burning rapidly. Twilight burst through the door with her matches. "Guess who's back, bitches!?" She called. "T-Twilight?" Rainbow Sparkle said, shocked. "We promised we'd have your money by tomorrow!" Universe Singularity said. "That ain't soon enough!" She shouted. A fire had been licking at the ropes that bound Ace. The ropes burned off and Ace galloped away, horn half off his head. "Thank god Twilight burnt that house down." Ace thought to himself. An explosion burst from the hut and Twilight emerged with about nine hundred million bits. "I wonder if I can buy Celestia's castle with this..." Twilight mumbled to herself. It now was apparent that the huts had mostly been wood cutouts due to the fact that they had all just fallen over. He wondered why somepony would go through so much trouble just for one simple unicorn horn. Author's Note I decided I was unhappy with the first ending, so I got rid of it and have started to continue this story. XIII - OverthrownThe Writer galloped to Canterlot, with his power to write with no pacing. If this had been realtime, The Writer would be panting after having gone five yards, with his tremendous weight. His Gary Stue abilities were being an alicorn, creating plot holes, every character falling in love with him instantly, and more powerful magic than Celestia herself. These powers would allow him to win the throne uncontestedly. He trotted through the open gate. There were townsponies in the castle, this couldn't be canon. He had to be in the wrong world. He couldn't go back now, he was in the Canterlot. He trotted past the townsponies, mares swooned and stallions envied him. Celestia sat on her throne. "Princess... Celestia!" The overweight Gary Stue shouted, a few pants in between. "Oh my word, who is this?" Celestia laughed. "I am... B... lighlight Sparkle, prepare to face me!" "Oh, is this some kind of a jest, or am I in heaven?" Celestia said, a menacing tone encroaching her voice the further she talked. She got up from the throne and walked over to him. She used a kindling spell on his tail. "Don't expect to win that easy! For you see, s-weet Celestia, it burns!!" He exclaimed as he danced in circles. "Yes, yes, that's a fire with the power of the sun. I didn't think you were serious... Guards, you know what to do." She said as the guards carried him off. XV - Robot SparkleAce Looked through the window of the hut, the only thing there was the equine skeleton of Universe singularity. Rainbow Sparkle had disappeared. Ace considered she somehow survived the explosion and had fled to the Everfree, but that seemed highly unlikely. He couldn't think of any other possibility than that, so he walked in the direction of the forest. Once there, he searched the forest, which was now carpeted with soot and ash. Due to this, Rainbow Sparkle had left hoofprints in the ash. Ace followed them into Zecora's hut. Sure enough, she stood there, levitating potions. Her right wing had partly been cut off. "Ace! My Husband!" She called in a deeper voice than usual. Ace then noticed that the wing was sparking. "Wait a minute... Why is your wing shooting electricity?" Ace asked. "I'm an Alicorn, silly!" A part of her face fell off, and a glass eye with a red glow revealed itself behind a metal skull. "...Oh. " Robot Sparkle lunged at him, knocked him over, and landed on top of him. "Give me a kiss, Ace!" She shouted as she began choking him. "No thanks!" He shouted. Suddenly, twenty rounds of lead wedged themselves into the robot. The robot fell off of Ace. "What the hay!?" Twilight trotted into the door with a machine gun. "Why do you keep saving me?" Ace asked. "We both hate the Mary Sues, don't we?" Twilight answered. "Yeah, I guess we do." Ace commented. "I know they've been secretly making an army in the trash dimension. My plan is to round up anypony who wants to fight as a counter force." She explained, "I need you to join my cause." "Agreed, as long as I don't get killed by you." Ace responded. "Then it's a deal." Ace got up from the floor. XVI - EnsembleOctavia sat at the table in the kitchen after a sleepless night. Vinyl Scratch had recently got into bass boosting her original songs. It was even worse than her original hobby. Instead of blasting loud music, she had been destroying Octavia's ears with insanely loud noise. It was no song and all bass. "Vinyl, please stop this, I have an ensemble to attend today, and I need quiet." She requested, trying to talk over the bass. "What was that Octy?" Vinyl asked. "I need you to turn off the noise!" She shouted above the cacophony. Vinyl turned off the speaker. "Octavia, suicide is a serious matter. Don't tie a noose." She said, looking Octavia in the eyes, concerned. "That's not what I said-" "Oh, in that case, back to my music!" The bass started up again, only this time louder. It started knocking vases over and off shelves. Octavia put a hoof over her face. Later that day, the ensemble begun. Octavia galloped in with her cello. She started to play, but something didn't seem right. Her bow seemed to move less freely. Suddenly, a low noise was created. She moved the bow again. The noise got louder. She moved it more. A blast of bass deafened her. "Wh-what?" Suddenly, the bow started moving on it's own, because it had a motor on it. Blaring loud bass played, getting increasingly loud. A southern voice started talking. "The fitnessgram pacer test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that gets increasingly faster each time. Line up at the start." Dubstep started blasting from the cello. An electronic beep played. "One." Another beep. "Two." Every time the number changed, the dubstep got louder. Octavia had enough. She smashed the cello on the ground. Her mane frayed itself. "Um... That was an... Interesting performance by Octavia." Somepony said on a mic. Octavia left the building and stormed into her home, and glared at her roommate. "What's wrong Octy?" "Why is my instrument one of your speakers?" She asked. "...You took the wrong one, that was my bass cello." Vinyl said, pointing a hoof at Octavia's real cello. Octavia put a hoof over her face. XVII - ArmyBlighlight Sparkle got up from the fall into the trash dimension. Why did he name himself Blighlight Sparkle? He could've named himself something cool like... Bloodrain, or something. Either way, he was where he was. A large army of Mary Sues surrounded him. "Who are you?" Doug Walker asked, somehow the only human in Equestria. "Who are you, is the better question." Blighlight asked. "I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don't have to." Doug answered. "But why are you here?" "I lost a bet." "Why are you here?" Doug turned the question to Blighlight. "I created a ponygate here." "Can you leave from it?" Doug asked. "Yes." Doug cheered and teleported out of the world. "That wasn't where the ponygate is, but I guess he didn't need it." Blighlight said to himself. Suddenly, the Mary Sue army bowed to Blighlight. "You are truly the most powerful of us. All hail Blighlight." They said automatically. "Yes! My own army!" "Don't get so hyped up, we do that to everypony." A pink Twilight Sparkle clarified. "Wait... Who are you?" "I'm Bob." Pink Twilight answered. Bob seemed an odd name for a pony, especially a pink female. He figured he could rise up in the ranks. XVIII - RecruitmentAce followed behind Twilight into a camp. Ponies stood there with weapons. "This is a new recruit." Twilight indicated to Ace. A pony tossed a knife in front of his hooves. Ace picked it up. "There's your weapon for now." Ace looked to the other ponies' weapons. They all had shotguns, rifles, and pistols, one even had a rocket launcher. ...And his weapon was a tofu knife. He reluctantly trotted into the camp. Somepony kicked a bottle to him. He picked it up. It had a piece of paper taped to it that said: "Granaid" Clearly somepony wasn't quite literate. A belt was kicked to him with more 'Granaids'. He put it on. "So, when do we get moving?" Ace asked. "...Whenever the Mary Sues come out." Twilight responded. Ace stood there for a moment, then began to trot off. "Hey, you took a step! You now have a combat knife!" A soldier said, ecstatic as he threw a combat knife into his leg. "Ah, Shit! What the hay was that for!?" Ace asked, as his knee had been stabbed. Ace stepped again. A soldier threw a revolver at him, and the hammer hit the bullet, firing it into Ace in the hoof. "Celestia Dammit!" Ace shouted. "Stop trying to desert." Twilight told him. Ace stumbled from the wound, and a grenade rolled at his feet. He looked down. "...Sweet Cel-" Ace was interrupted by the blast sending him flying backwards. XIX - "Medicine"Spike stood in the forest that was burning earlier, in the same spot as before. His cigarette had long burnt out, but he still attempted to smoke it. His tail was charred. He didn't notice any of these facts, nor did he feel it when he fell on his face. He fell straight as a board. The grass stuck itself in his eyes and the ash irritated them further. His eyes were slowly getting infected. A bunny stood on his back and relieved itself from both ends. He was, however, in a different place. He stood in a room of pink and black checkered tiles. Electronic music was playing. He walked to a doorway. The doorway led to the exact same room, save for a bust of a human's head. The head moved off the ground and uncovered a rainbow fountain. Spike walked to the fountain and jumped in. He suddenly awoke, and his tail was no longer burnt, nor was the bunny's excretions on his back. His eyes were not harmed. He seemed to have healed. He knew it was a good idea to use Zecora's 'herbal medicine' like this. He decided to experiment with the medicine. He took a knife and stabbed himself in the chest, then quickly lit a new cigarette and smoked it. The knife fell out and the gash healed. It seemed as long as he got high, he was invincible. He then proceeded to hold the cigarette in his mouth and climb a 50 foot tree, then jumped off of it. He hadn't even skinned a knee. He walked out of the forest and into the smoldering town. He looked around and found the remains of Twilight's library. He turned his hand in the air as if the doorknob was still there. He walked into the building. The ceiling collapsed behind him. He walked over to a bookshelf and took a charred book labelled 'Immortality and You" By Princess Celestia herself. 'If you are reading this book, the chances are you have recently became invincible. Whether by means of becoming a leading figure, or some dark magic nopony's ever heard of, you are definitely not leaving Equestria anytime soon. There's key factors to never dying, the main one being everypony you've known's life will be fleeting before you. There are also rituals to maintain this state. The first being the choice to sacrifice yourself for the next heir you choose. To do this, light a fire in the center of the room. Place an annointed dagger on a table in front of you, blade facing toward yourself. You then let the heir enter, then levitate/grab the knife and insert into vital organs. You will likely die, giving the heir your immortality.' Spike thought about someone he could give the power to. Ace trotted into the room. "Hey Spike, do you know where a book titled 'How to Run Away From a Rebel Army You Just Joined'?' " Ace asked. "Hey, Ace. Can you leave the room real quick?" Ace stepped out of the burnt up library. The crackling of fire was audible. "You can come back in." Spike said. "What's with the fire, Spike?" He handed Ace a few pounds of 'Medicine', then stabbed himself. "He must've read that book Celestia wrote to make ponies kill themselves because she was bored." He said to himself. He looked at the bags of medicine. They were definitely drugs. He trotted back to the Rebel camp with the drugs. "Hey Twilight, Spike gave this to me before promptly stabbing himself. ...I guess you should have them since he was your pet." Twilight took them. "Thanks, it's about time Zecora gave me back my magical grass." She thanked. It was common knowledge among ponies Twilight knew that she secretly did just about everything wrong a pony could do. She dealt drugs and avoided taxes, most notably. Ace tried to stay out of her secret life, but he usually got tangled in it anyway. XX - [Insert End Title]Ace trotted out of the camp and into Ponyville. He opened the door to his scorched house and sat at the table. He trotted upstairs and went to sleep. He figured there had been enough random occurrences for the day. I - Wake Up CallAce awoke to a normal day. It was a nice break from Twilight's ghost. However, something didn't set right with him. It was too quiet. You see, normally he'd hear hoofsteps from ponies trotting past his home, or the faint voices from the busy town Square. There was no noise at all. It also felt strangely warm in his house. It soon came to mind that his house seemed to be on fire. "What a nice morning t- Sweet Celestia!" It could have been the steamed tofu he was going to have with Big Macintosh for an unforgettable luncheon burning, or Celestia hadn't lifted the sun high enough. Either way, his house was burning. He galloped out of the dining room. He bucked the front door open and dashed out, covered in soot and ash. His coat, mane and tail were singed. Twilight Sparkle stood there with a matchbox. "What's wrong, bitch?" She asked Ace, who was now wide awake. "Glad you asked. Why exactly are you holding matches near my house, which seems to have burst into flames?" Ace asked quizzically. "Why do ya think, bitch?" She said, almost repeating herself. "Could it be your psychopathic tendencies caught up to you, or maybe you were always this insane?" Ace answered with another question. Twilight smiled. "Okay, that's enough of an answer." Ace replied as he trotted off into town. The other houses were on fire, too. "Wellp, looks like we need a new town," Ace thought to himself. Ace calmly trotted outside of town, as this had only been the third time the town burnt down, and that was only counting specifically being on fire with matches that Twilight owned. The first time being the day Spike couldn't use his fire and needed to light up a grass cigarette he said was 'For a friend' and accidentally set Twilight's tail on fire, so she ran into her library. That clearly didn't end well, considering the place was filled with stacks of paper and also made from a tree. He didn't want to think about the second. Soon enough, the fire had spread into the forest, and blazing bunnies ran out from the brush. "Fluttershy's definitely going to be surprised." He wondered what Celestia thought about her 'best student' fucking up the whole town for everypony. VI - VaporwaveAce awoke in T h e V o i d. T h e V o i d was like The Void except, it had floor tiles that were pink and black. There was a bust of a human head. There was also a picture of a city in the evening. Calm music was playing. A human voice started singing. 'I'm giving up, on trying, to sell you things, that you ain't buying.' Were the lyrics. Ace couldn't help but feel he was tripping out. He now realized he had been levitating a grass cigarette, and he was very hungry. A brownie appeared in his hoof. Ace couldn't do much but laugh. He ate the brownie quickly. He attempted to trot forward, but collapsed on the pink and black checkered tiles. He woke up on the forest floor, a fire was licking at his tail. He jumped onto his hooves. The fire had been closing in on him for a few minutes before he awoke. He looked in Zecora's hut. She wasn't there, she must have fled from the fire. Ace galloped through the flames to see spike smoking. He cantered over to Spike. "Oh, hi there Ace." He said in a tired voice. His eyes were pink, and he was unbalanced. His tail was also on fire, but he didn't seem to mind. Ace left him alone, and galloped out of the forest. The fire soon engulfed the canopy. Suddenly, the forest was extinguished. Sunbeams shone from the treetops as somepony emerged. IX - FreedomIt was the sixteenth time in Matt's house, this time, however, Matt made a mistake, he walked in front of Ace, with the chance Ace bit the part off. Matt screamed in horror, as Ace spit it out. "Gotcha bitch!" Ace yelled. It was at this moment that Matt knew, he fucked up. "I give up my title, Ace Sparks, you are now truly Satan!" Matt cried out. With this title, Ace changed Hell so that it was a second Heaven, except with more Metal. Hell spun around Ace as he exited. He was now in the material world, yet he was still scarred mentally and physically. He was back in Equestria, but he was in a patch of grass. Rainbow Sparkle stood above him. "I'm glad I saved you from that lava!" Rainbow Sparkle commented. "Well, I wish you hadn't." Ace responded. "Either way, we're here!" Ace got up from the ground and looked past Rainbow Sparkle. A village composed of thatched huts with a gravel path lay ahead. The entire village was spray painted rainbow. "Come, we must hurry to Universe Singularity." She said with a smile. Something was fishy about the whole thing, the village seemed fake. She grabbed him and trotted to a large hut. When they entered, an old man sat in a rocking chair. "Daddy, I mean Universe Singularity! Look who I've brought!" Ace now realized he had all his fur and hair back somehow. "Oh that's wonderful dear! Tie him up." The elder said menacingly. "Celestia damn it! I knew this is where it was goi-" Ace was interrupted with a rag in his face. XI - Bad Fan FictionLyra Heartstrings sat at her computer, typing her Fanfiction story. She looked over her work in admiration. 'Aice Sparkels wint to the stawr witch wuz evul and ett hem. Spike smok cigret and get verrey hi. Twilit Sprakl red buk and lern menny smawrts. Elso humens inter eqestruh and reek havick on land. thuh ind gudbyjes!" It had taken her the whole day to write this... This Masterpiece. She called her friend over to look it over, and he put a hoof to his face. "Lyra, this is awful." He answered. "It is not, I'll have you know I am an excellent writer. I mean, look at this work of art." She responded as she opened a different file. "Ayse cuss and due bad wurds and Reignbew Spackle kednipp him and kut his hawrn, butt Twiylite Sprinkle bern houde doun and frie Ayse. Ayse gallup tew Leera an kess lera on lep. Ayse thenn reed stary and right this two." Her friend read. "This is almost worse than before." "No it isn't, you uneducated heathen! It is the Mona Pizza of literature." Lyra said, taken aback. "You mean Mona Lisa." "W-whatever!" Lyra said, frustrated. "It seems I'm not the uneducated one here." XII - RequestAn email popped up in The Writer's inbox. He clicked it with his Dorito dust-covered fingers. It was a request by a user named Dragonlover94. The Writer was happy to have gotten a request for the first time. He read the request carefully. "Request Ok so the story starts out with a nite fury baby named Starlight had a son and they were like brother and sister then two humens live in a cave with the draygins. And Jason and Jeffery kill the draygon baby. Starlight kills Jason but Jade is on her own, it was then that Bob the Scourge fought in a war against Astrid." The Writer wondered who these characters were, but more importantly why the hell this guy couldn't write the story himself. It seemed that he knew the plot and characters well enough to do so. The Writer decided that he would attempt to create a portal in order to see the pony world for himself. In five hours or so, The Writer lifted his enormous posterior consisting mostly of lard off the chair. In sixty days, he finally constructed a pony stargate, or a Ponygate. He reluctantly walked into the portal. He suddenly was transported into the world, as a pony, no less. He retained his neckbeard and fedora. His cutie mark seemed to be a Dorito and keyboard. It was time to become the princess. XIV - Trash DimensionAce trotted down the path to Canterlot, which seemed incredibly close to Rainbow Sparkle's trap. It was late evening. Ace saw a burning, out-of-shape, peach colored stallion who was screaming at the top of his lungs as the fire had spread to his coat. "Another attempt to dethrone the Princess, I see." Ace thought to himself. The stallion was thrown into a rift with a sign above it that said: "Trash Dimension" "Ah, the trash dimension. I'll be back,for my name is Blilight Sparkle!" He shouted loudly. He was then shoved into the portal and it closed. The Trash Dimension was where they threw waste that was foul or unusable, these included Nuclear waste from Black Forest, Mary Sues, Celestia's opponents, parasprite, and Pog toys. Ace had once been there before, as his character used to have no flaws, but ever since Twilight's ghost followed him around Equestria, he'd had PTSD. Ace knew there had been an army brewing in the rift ever since his last visit there. Every now and then, they'd send guards tied to ropes into the dimension to quell possible revolts. You'd sometimes hear about a rope break, where a few guards would be lost in there and the others would have to dangle a rope to save them. Mary Sues would also sneak up the rope and hide in the Everfree, which was probably Rainbow Sparkle's case. Ace began to trot away from the castle, since if they saw him there, he'd go back to jail. The trap village was still burning down, including the smoldering remains of Universe Singularity the Omniscient Wizard. Strangely enough, Rainbow Sparkle had disappeared. He considered that she may have already burnt to ash. The flames lit up Luna's cold night. The crackling was audible, even given the distance it was occuring. A guard suddenly spotted him. "Halt!" He called at Ace, galloping toward him. Ace stopped. "Ace Sparks, you have escaped the royal prison. Come with me." "Wh-who's Ace Sparks? I'm uh... ...Acer Sparkle!" He feebly lied. "Well in that case, you're free to go, Mister Sparkle." Perhaps that worked because of his half-detached horn, or the guard was just extremely stupid. Either way, he had successfully lied to a royal guard. He galloped away from the courtyard. He had gotten out of sight from the guards. He galloped to the smoldering remains of the trap village for Rainbow Sparkle.
II - Meanwhile..."Um, your majesty?" Shining Armor asked. "Yes?" Celestia responded. "We... Have reports that your student, Twilight Sparkle set the whole of Ponyville on fire, and that fire has spread to the Everfree Forest." He explained. She put a hoof to her face. "Me damn it..." She said to herself. "Also, the townsponies are homeless and need shelter." He continued. Her expression grew worse. "Let them stay here." She said, irritated.
III - Morning Either WayHe sat in the grass, out of the way of the blistering inferno that was now his hometown and placidly ate a lettuce sandwich. He was used to this sort of thing happening by now. The fire started getting a bit closer. After all, it wasn't even time to go to work. He had about an hour. He thought about the Steamed Tofu. Maybe he could trot down to Burger Princess instead. The fire started licking at his tail. He calmly got up and trotted to Sweet Apple Acres early. The orchard was surprisingly not on fire. Applejack was leaning on the fence, looking at the raging blazes. "Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, the only apple orchard in town that ain't a pile-a ash!" She said as she looked up. "Oh, hi there, Ace. Ya know what to do." She indicated towards the apple trees. Ace trotted past the gate and went up to a tree with a basket. He bucked it, and the apples fell off into the basket. He repeated this for a few hours. "Work's over, Ace." Applejack said. "Did you hear that Twi's on a rampage?" Ace asked. "Yeah, I also know why." She replied to him, "It's 'cause of the pressure that Celestia put on her, becoming a princess, never dying and whatnot." She explained. "Thanks." Ace said as he galloped past her toward the flames.
IV - Bedtime for an Unpleasant Mare"Pwincess Cewestia, can you wead me a bedtime stowy?" A little colt who rested in a chair asked for the fifteenth time. "Why sure! Once there was an annoying colt who had to go to bed or else the Princess of Equestria would burn his ass. That colt happened to be you. The end. Goodnight." Celestia snapped. The young stallion cried softly into the chair. It wasn't silence, but Celestia could make do with it. She lay in her bed and closed her eyes. If she didn't sleep, she could always "Forget" to raise the sun.
V - [Edgy Title]Ace trotted past the flaming town and into the burning forest. There was a clear path of destruction where Twilight had gone. He galloped to Zecora's hut. Zecora was still there. "Zecora, Twilight's on a rampage! Is there a way to fix it?" Ace asked. "No." Was her answer, strangely without rhyming. "Alright, I guess that answers that." Ace remarked. The stallion trotted out of the hut. Twilight had been waiting for him. "What's up, bitch?" She greeted. "Fuck off, Twilight." 'Why bitch? Are you afraid?" "Go die somewhere." Ace responded She bucked his face with her back hooves, knocking him out.
VII - Mary SueThe pony that emerged was Rainbow Sparkle. Her rainbow-gold and silver eyes gleamed in the sun. "Ace! My Husband!" She cried out. "Aw, shit." Ace remarked as he began to run away. Rainbow Sparkle was too fast, however. She lifted Ace up and galloped away with him. "Let me go, damn you!" Ace shouted. "Ace," She gasped, "You've been corrupted with profanity." "What are you talking about?" He asked, questioning her sanity for the most part. "We've got to take you to Universe Singularity the omniscient wizard in the Rainbow Village." She clarified. "Wait, who?" "Universe Singularity!" She exclaimed. They were suddenly flying. "Wait, how are we in the air?" "Don't you remember, silly? I'm an Alicorn!" She remarked. They were headed somewhere Ace never heard of.
VIII - PurgatoryThey flew over a volcano, and Rainbow Sparkle accidentally let go of Ace. "Rainbow, you're a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitch!" Ace cried out as he fell into the magma. His mane and tail burnt off quickly, and his coat was gone. Ace sunk into the lava. He was awake for some reason, he could only see red. His vision cleared out, he was in Cloudsdale somehow. A light shone above him. It began to speak. "Ace Sparks, you are the first of your kind to enter heaven." God said. "Um, isn't this Cloudsdale?" Ace asked. "No, this is Heaven." God said, confused. "Wait, if this is the ancient human construct, why aren't I in Hell? I mean, I've cussed, done drugs, killed ponies, worshipped idols, flew, used magic, was a disbeliever, and just about anthing else you can think of..." Ace ran on and on with the list. "Well, I guess you're right then, off to hell with you." God said. With a snap, Ace was in the lake of fire, which just happened to be the house of Matt Beard Sparkle. A Twilight doll was chained up on the bed. Satan, the owner of the house walked in, without clothes. Ace's eyes widened in fear. Matt's eyes widened in happiness, as he screamed in delight. Ace soon realized HE was chained up as well. He tried to break free, but he couldn't move. Matt walked behind him, you can guess the rest.
X - Well Roadapples.Ace woke up to being tied up on a chair. "What the fuck do you want with me, anyway?" Ace asked. Rainbow Sparkle was levitating a saw. "We need your horn." She answered. "But why?" Ace asked. "Well, um... I don't actually know..." Rainbow Sparkle answered. "Because I heard it grows your penis." Universe Singularity answered. "Wait, what the hell?" Ace replied. She began sawing off Ace's horn. A plume of smoke flared out from the wooden floor. Suddenly, the hut started burning rapidly. Twilight burst through the door with her matches. "Guess who's back, bitches!?" She called. "T-Twilight?" Rainbow Sparkle said, shocked. "We promised we'd have your money by tomorrow!" Universe Singularity said. "That ain't soon enough!" She shouted. A fire had been licking at the ropes that bound Ace. The ropes burned off and Ace galloped away, horn half off his head. "Thank god Twilight burnt that house down." Ace thought to himself. An explosion burst from the hut and Twilight emerged with about nine hundred million bits. "I wonder if I can buy Celestia's castle with this..." Twilight mumbled to herself. It now was apparent that the huts had mostly been wood cutouts due to the fact that they had all just fallen over. He wondered why somepony would go through so much trouble just for one simple unicorn horn. Author's Note I decided I was unhappy with the first ending, so I got rid of it and have started to continue this story.
XIII - OverthrownThe Writer galloped to Canterlot, with his power to write with no pacing. If this had been realtime, The Writer would be panting after having gone five yards, with his tremendous weight. His Gary Stue abilities were being an alicorn, creating plot holes, every character falling in love with him instantly, and more powerful magic than Celestia herself. These powers would allow him to win the throne uncontestedly. He trotted through the open gate. There were townsponies in the castle, this couldn't be canon. He had to be in the wrong world. He couldn't go back now, he was in the Canterlot. He trotted past the townsponies, mares swooned and stallions envied him. Celestia sat on her throne. "Princess... Celestia!" The overweight Gary Stue shouted, a few pants in between. "Oh my word, who is this?" Celestia laughed. "I am... B... lighlight Sparkle, prepare to face me!" "Oh, is this some kind of a jest, or am I in heaven?" Celestia said, a menacing tone encroaching her voice the further she talked. She got up from the throne and walked over to him. She used a kindling spell on his tail. "Don't expect to win that easy! For you see, s-weet Celestia, it burns!!" He exclaimed as he danced in circles. "Yes, yes, that's a fire with the power of the sun. I didn't think you were serious... Guards, you know what to do." She said as the guards carried him off.
XV - Robot SparkleAce Looked through the window of the hut, the only thing there was the equine skeleton of Universe singularity. Rainbow Sparkle had disappeared. Ace considered she somehow survived the explosion and had fled to the Everfree, but that seemed highly unlikely. He couldn't think of any other possibility than that, so he walked in the direction of the forest. Once there, he searched the forest, which was now carpeted with soot and ash. Due to this, Rainbow Sparkle had left hoofprints in the ash. Ace followed them into Zecora's hut. Sure enough, she stood there, levitating potions. Her right wing had partly been cut off. "Ace! My Husband!" She called in a deeper voice than usual. Ace then noticed that the wing was sparking. "Wait a minute... Why is your wing shooting electricity?" Ace asked. "I'm an Alicorn, silly!" A part of her face fell off, and a glass eye with a red glow revealed itself behind a metal skull. "...Oh. " Robot Sparkle lunged at him, knocked him over, and landed on top of him. "Give me a kiss, Ace!" She shouted as she began choking him. "No thanks!" He shouted. Suddenly, twenty rounds of lead wedged themselves into the robot. The robot fell off of Ace. "What the hay!?" Twilight trotted into the door with a machine gun. "Why do you keep saving me?" Ace asked. "We both hate the Mary Sues, don't we?" Twilight answered. "Yeah, I guess we do." Ace commented. "I know they've been secretly making an army in the trash dimension. My plan is to round up anypony who wants to fight as a counter force." She explained, "I need you to join my cause." "Agreed, as long as I don't get killed by you." Ace responded. "Then it's a deal." Ace got up from the floor.
XVI - EnsembleOctavia sat at the table in the kitchen after a sleepless night. Vinyl Scratch had recently got into bass boosting her original songs. It was even worse than her original hobby. Instead of blasting loud music, she had been destroying Octavia's ears with insanely loud noise. It was no song and all bass. "Vinyl, please stop this, I have an ensemble to attend today, and I need quiet." She requested, trying to talk over the bass. "What was that Octy?" Vinyl asked. "I need you to turn off the noise!" She shouted above the cacophony. Vinyl turned off the speaker. "Octavia, suicide is a serious matter. Don't tie a noose." She said, looking Octavia in the eyes, concerned. "That's not what I said-" "Oh, in that case, back to my music!" The bass started up again, only this time louder. It started knocking vases over and off shelves. Octavia put a hoof over her face. Later that day, the ensemble begun. Octavia galloped in with her cello. She started to play, but something didn't seem right. Her bow seemed to move less freely. Suddenly, a low noise was created. She moved the bow again. The noise got louder. She moved it more. A blast of bass deafened her. "Wh-what?" Suddenly, the bow started moving on it's own, because it had a motor on it. Blaring loud bass played, getting increasingly loud. A southern voice started talking. "The fitnessgram pacer test is a multi-stage aerobic capacity test that gets increasingly faster each time. Line up at the start." Dubstep started blasting from the cello. An electronic beep played. "One." Another beep. "Two." Every time the number changed, the dubstep got louder. Octavia had enough. She smashed the cello on the ground. Her mane frayed itself. "Um... That was an... Interesting performance by Octavia." Somepony said on a mic. Octavia left the building and stormed into her home, and glared at her roommate. "What's wrong Octy?" "Why is my instrument one of your speakers?" She asked. "...You took the wrong one, that was my bass cello." Vinyl said, pointing a hoof at Octavia's real cello. Octavia put a hoof over her face.
XVII - ArmyBlighlight Sparkle got up from the fall into the trash dimension. Why did he name himself Blighlight Sparkle? He could've named himself something cool like... Bloodrain, or something. Either way, he was where he was. A large army of Mary Sues surrounded him. "Who are you?" Doug Walker asked, somehow the only human in Equestria. "Who are you, is the better question." Blighlight asked. "I'm the nostalgia critic, I remember it so you don't have to." Doug answered. "But why are you here?" "I lost a bet." "Why are you here?" Doug turned the question to Blighlight. "I created a ponygate here." "Can you leave from it?" Doug asked. "Yes." Doug cheered and teleported out of the world. "That wasn't where the ponygate is, but I guess he didn't need it." Blighlight said to himself. Suddenly, the Mary Sue army bowed to Blighlight. "You are truly the most powerful of us. All hail Blighlight." They said automatically. "Yes! My own army!" "Don't get so hyped up, we do that to everypony." A pink Twilight Sparkle clarified. "Wait... Who are you?" "I'm Bob." Pink Twilight answered. Bob seemed an odd name for a pony, especially a pink female. He figured he could rise up in the ranks.
XVIII - RecruitmentAce followed behind Twilight into a camp. Ponies stood there with weapons. "This is a new recruit." Twilight indicated to Ace. A pony tossed a knife in front of his hooves. Ace picked it up. "There's your weapon for now." Ace looked to the other ponies' weapons. They all had shotguns, rifles, and pistols, one even had a rocket launcher. ...And his weapon was a tofu knife. He reluctantly trotted into the camp. Somepony kicked a bottle to him. He picked it up. It had a piece of paper taped to it that said: "Granaid" Clearly somepony wasn't quite literate. A belt was kicked to him with more 'Granaids'. He put it on. "So, when do we get moving?" Ace asked. "...Whenever the Mary Sues come out." Twilight responded. Ace stood there for a moment, then began to trot off. "Hey, you took a step! You now have a combat knife!" A soldier said, ecstatic as he threw a combat knife into his leg. "Ah, Shit! What the hay was that for!?" Ace asked, as his knee had been stabbed. Ace stepped again. A soldier threw a revolver at him, and the hammer hit the bullet, firing it into Ace in the hoof. "Celestia Dammit!" Ace shouted. "Stop trying to desert." Twilight told him. Ace stumbled from the wound, and a grenade rolled at his feet. He looked down. "...Sweet Cel-" Ace was interrupted by the blast sending him flying backwards.
XIX - "Medicine"Spike stood in the forest that was burning earlier, in the same spot as before. His cigarette had long burnt out, but he still attempted to smoke it. His tail was charred. He didn't notice any of these facts, nor did he feel it when he fell on his face. He fell straight as a board. The grass stuck itself in his eyes and the ash irritated them further. His eyes were slowly getting infected. A bunny stood on his back and relieved itself from both ends. He was, however, in a different place. He stood in a room of pink and black checkered tiles. Electronic music was playing. He walked to a doorway. The doorway led to the exact same room, save for a bust of a human's head. The head moved off the ground and uncovered a rainbow fountain. Spike walked to the fountain and jumped in. He suddenly awoke, and his tail was no longer burnt, nor was the bunny's excretions on his back. His eyes were not harmed. He seemed to have healed. He knew it was a good idea to use Zecora's 'herbal medicine' like this. He decided to experiment with the medicine. He took a knife and stabbed himself in the chest, then quickly lit a new cigarette and smoked it. The knife fell out and the gash healed. It seemed as long as he got high, he was invincible. He then proceeded to hold the cigarette in his mouth and climb a 50 foot tree, then jumped off of it. He hadn't even skinned a knee. He walked out of the forest and into the smoldering town. He looked around and found the remains of Twilight's library. He turned his hand in the air as if the doorknob was still there. He walked into the building. The ceiling collapsed behind him. He walked over to a bookshelf and took a charred book labelled 'Immortality and You" By Princess Celestia herself. 'If you are reading this book, the chances are you have recently became invincible. Whether by means of becoming a leading figure, or some dark magic nopony's ever heard of, you are definitely not leaving Equestria anytime soon. There's key factors to never dying, the main one being everypony you've known's life will be fleeting before you. There are also rituals to maintain this state. The first being the choice to sacrifice yourself for the next heir you choose. To do this, light a fire in the center of the room. Place an annointed dagger on a table in front of you, blade facing toward yourself. You then let the heir enter, then levitate/grab the knife and insert into vital organs. You will likely die, giving the heir your immortality.' Spike thought about someone he could give the power to. Ace trotted into the room. "Hey Spike, do you know where a book titled 'How to Run Away From a Rebel Army You Just Joined'?' " Ace asked. "Hey, Ace. Can you leave the room real quick?" Ace stepped out of the burnt up library. The crackling of fire was audible. "You can come back in." Spike said. "What's with the fire, Spike?" He handed Ace a few pounds of 'Medicine', then stabbed himself. "He must've read that book Celestia wrote to make ponies kill themselves because she was bored." He said to himself. He looked at the bags of medicine. They were definitely drugs. He trotted back to the Rebel camp with the drugs. "Hey Twilight, Spike gave this to me before promptly stabbing himself. ...I guess you should have them since he was your pet." Twilight took them. "Thanks, it's about time Zecora gave me back my magical grass." She thanked. It was common knowledge among ponies Twilight knew that she secretly did just about everything wrong a pony could do. She dealt drugs and avoided taxes, most notably. Ace tried to stay out of her secret life, but he usually got tangled in it anyway.
XX - [Insert End Title]Ace trotted out of the camp and into Ponyville. He opened the door to his scorched house and sat at the table. He trotted upstairs and went to sleep. He figured there had been enough random occurrences for the day.
I - Wake Up CallAce awoke to a normal day. It was a nice break from Twilight's ghost. However, something didn't set right with him. It was too quiet. You see, normally he'd hear hoofsteps from ponies trotting past his home, or the faint voices from the busy town Square. There was no noise at all. It also felt strangely warm in his house. It soon came to mind that his house seemed to be on fire. "What a nice morning t- Sweet Celestia!" It could have been the steamed tofu he was going to have with Big Macintosh for an unforgettable luncheon burning, or Celestia hadn't lifted the sun high enough. Either way, his house was burning. He galloped out of the dining room. He bucked the front door open and dashed out, covered in soot and ash. His coat, mane and tail were singed. Twilight Sparkle stood there with a matchbox. "What's wrong, bitch?" She asked Ace, who was now wide awake. "Glad you asked. Why exactly are you holding matches near my house, which seems to have burst into flames?" Ace asked quizzically. "Why do ya think, bitch?" She said, almost repeating herself. "Could it be your psychopathic tendencies caught up to you, or maybe you were always this insane?" Ace answered with another question. Twilight smiled. "Okay, that's enough of an answer." Ace replied as he trotted off into town. The other houses were on fire, too. "Wellp, looks like we need a new town," Ace thought to himself. Ace calmly trotted outside of town, as this had only been the third time the town burnt down, and that was only counting specifically being on fire with matches that Twilight owned. The first time being the day Spike couldn't use his fire and needed to light up a grass cigarette he said was 'For a friend' and accidentally set Twilight's tail on fire, so she ran into her library. That clearly didn't end well, considering the place was filled with stacks of paper and also made from a tree. He didn't want to think about the second. Soon enough, the fire had spread into the forest, and blazing bunnies ran out from the brush. "Fluttershy's definitely going to be surprised." He wondered what Celestia thought about her 'best student' fucking up the whole town for everypony.
VI - VaporwaveAce awoke in T h e V o i d. T h e V o i d was like The Void except, it had floor tiles that were pink and black. There was a bust of a human head. There was also a picture of a city in the evening. Calm music was playing. A human voice started singing. 'I'm giving up, on trying, to sell you things, that you ain't buying.' Were the lyrics. Ace couldn't help but feel he was tripping out. He now realized he had been levitating a grass cigarette, and he was very hungry. A brownie appeared in his hoof. Ace couldn't do much but laugh. He ate the brownie quickly. He attempted to trot forward, but collapsed on the pink and black checkered tiles. He woke up on the forest floor, a fire was licking at his tail. He jumped onto his hooves. The fire had been closing in on him for a few minutes before he awoke. He looked in Zecora's hut. She wasn't there, she must have fled from the fire. Ace galloped through the flames to see spike smoking. He cantered over to Spike. "Oh, hi there Ace." He said in a tired voice. His eyes were pink, and he was unbalanced. His tail was also on fire, but he didn't seem to mind. Ace left him alone, and galloped out of the forest. The fire soon engulfed the canopy. Suddenly, the forest was extinguished. Sunbeams shone from the treetops as somepony emerged.
IX - FreedomIt was the sixteenth time in Matt's house, this time, however, Matt made a mistake, he walked in front of Ace, with the chance Ace bit the part off. Matt screamed in horror, as Ace spit it out. "Gotcha bitch!" Ace yelled. It was at this moment that Matt knew, he fucked up. "I give up my title, Ace Sparks, you are now truly Satan!" Matt cried out. With this title, Ace changed Hell so that it was a second Heaven, except with more Metal. Hell spun around Ace as he exited. He was now in the material world, yet he was still scarred mentally and physically. He was back in Equestria, but he was in a patch of grass. Rainbow Sparkle stood above him. "I'm glad I saved you from that lava!" Rainbow Sparkle commented. "Well, I wish you hadn't." Ace responded. "Either way, we're here!" Ace got up from the ground and looked past Rainbow Sparkle. A village composed of thatched huts with a gravel path lay ahead. The entire village was spray painted rainbow. "Come, we must hurry to Universe Singularity." She said with a smile. Something was fishy about the whole thing, the village seemed fake. She grabbed him and trotted to a large hut. When they entered, an old man sat in a rocking chair. "Daddy, I mean Universe Singularity! Look who I've brought!" Ace now realized he had all his fur and hair back somehow. "Oh that's wonderful dear! Tie him up." The elder said menacingly. "Celestia damn it! I knew this is where it was goi-" Ace was interrupted with a rag in his face.
XI - Bad Fan FictionLyra Heartstrings sat at her computer, typing her Fanfiction story. She looked over her work in admiration. 'Aice Sparkels wint to the stawr witch wuz evul and ett hem. Spike smok cigret and get verrey hi. Twilit Sprakl red buk and lern menny smawrts. Elso humens inter eqestruh and reek havick on land. thuh ind gudbyjes!" It had taken her the whole day to write this... This Masterpiece. She called her friend over to look it over, and he put a hoof to his face. "Lyra, this is awful." He answered. "It is not, I'll have you know I am an excellent writer. I mean, look at this work of art." She responded as she opened a different file. "Ayse cuss and due bad wurds and Reignbew Spackle kednipp him and kut his hawrn, butt Twiylite Sprinkle bern houde doun and frie Ayse. Ayse gallup tew Leera an kess lera on lep. Ayse thenn reed stary and right this two." Her friend read. "This is almost worse than before." "No it isn't, you uneducated heathen! It is the Mona Pizza of literature." Lyra said, taken aback. "You mean Mona Lisa." "W-whatever!" Lyra said, frustrated. "It seems I'm not the uneducated one here."
XII - RequestAn email popped up in The Writer's inbox. He clicked it with his Dorito dust-covered fingers. It was a request by a user named Dragonlover94. The Writer was happy to have gotten a request for the first time. He read the request carefully. "Request Ok so the story starts out with a nite fury baby named Starlight had a son and they were like brother and sister then two humens live in a cave with the draygins. And Jason and Jeffery kill the draygon baby. Starlight kills Jason but Jade is on her own, it was then that Bob the Scourge fought in a war against Astrid." The Writer wondered who these characters were, but more importantly why the hell this guy couldn't write the story himself. It seemed that he knew the plot and characters well enough to do so. The Writer decided that he would attempt to create a portal in order to see the pony world for himself. In five hours or so, The Writer lifted his enormous posterior consisting mostly of lard off the chair. In sixty days, he finally constructed a pony stargate, or a Ponygate. He reluctantly walked into the portal. He suddenly was transported into the world, as a pony, no less. He retained his neckbeard and fedora. His cutie mark seemed to be a Dorito and keyboard. It was time to become the princess.
XIV - Trash DimensionAce trotted down the path to Canterlot, which seemed incredibly close to Rainbow Sparkle's trap. It was late evening. Ace saw a burning, out-of-shape, peach colored stallion who was screaming at the top of his lungs as the fire had spread to his coat. "Another attempt to dethrone the Princess, I see." Ace thought to himself. The stallion was thrown into a rift with a sign above it that said: "Trash Dimension" "Ah, the trash dimension. I'll be back,for my name is Blilight Sparkle!" He shouted loudly. He was then shoved into the portal and it closed. The Trash Dimension was where they threw waste that was foul or unusable, these included Nuclear waste from Black Forest, Mary Sues, Celestia's opponents, parasprite, and Pog toys. Ace had once been there before, as his character used to have no flaws, but ever since Twilight's ghost followed him around Equestria, he'd had PTSD. Ace knew there had been an army brewing in the rift ever since his last visit there. Every now and then, they'd send guards tied to ropes into the dimension to quell possible revolts. You'd sometimes hear about a rope break, where a few guards would be lost in there and the others would have to dangle a rope to save them. Mary Sues would also sneak up the rope and hide in the Everfree, which was probably Rainbow Sparkle's case. Ace began to trot away from the castle, since if they saw him there, he'd go back to jail. The trap village was still burning down, including the smoldering remains of Universe Singularity the Omniscient Wizard. Strangely enough, Rainbow Sparkle had disappeared. He considered that she may have already burnt to ash. The flames lit up Luna's cold night. The crackling was audible, even given the distance it was occuring. A guard suddenly spotted him. "Halt!" He called at Ace, galloping toward him. Ace stopped. "Ace Sparks, you have escaped the royal prison. Come with me." "Wh-who's Ace Sparks? I'm uh... ...Acer Sparkle!" He feebly lied. "Well in that case, you're free to go, Mister Sparkle." Perhaps that worked because of his half-detached horn, or the guard was just extremely stupid. Either way, he had successfully lied to a royal guard. He galloped away from the courtyard. He had gotten out of sight from the guards. He galloped to the smoldering remains of the trap village for Rainbow Sparkle.
