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The Pony Ballistic Missile Service: Friendship Is Our Profession
By Bojack H.
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“Princess Celestia still optimistic about peace as friendship talks between kingdom and Yakyakistan break down,” I read out loud to my colleague who was filling out his duty roster. “When asked about recent military developments based on her theory of mutually assured friendship, Princess Twilight Sparkle insisted that friendship would always be the first, second and last resort,” I chuckled a bit. and let the paper drop to the table before floating over my favorite standard UEP ration bagel, type 62 cinnamon surprise. The surprise was that they managed to include the barest hint of cinnamon as to be distinguishable from the bland dense bread.
I savored the faint aroma of un-blandness before taking a bite into the quite solid mass.
Just another day in the Pony Ballistic Missile Service. In a post Tirek world where even the might of four princesses isn’t enough, we exist to guarantee mutual assured friendship with the other kingdoms.
As I was about to sip the thick caffeinated gruel, the klaxons sounded. “Alert! Emergency Action Scroll!”
I didn’t need to be told twice. I was off galloping down the concrete hallways of Stable 7.
It only took me a minute to cross from the dorm and mess into the busy command post, but in that time Lieutenant Davey-Crocket had already fed the message scroll and the appropriate code into the scrambler for decryption.
“Priority mam, code O Dash 7 8 1 9’er!” He said briskly.
“Rodger, proceed to bedding this stable,” I said, acknowledging the code, which indicated we were now on ready stand-by.
The klaxons wailed again. This time announcing the new status. All around the stable, hatches were being closed, and at the entrance, the ten ton steel barn door began rolling shut.
“This is commander Keys, we are now on Ready Stand-by, I repeat, Ready Stand-by! All ponies are to report to their stations, all hatches and doors are to be secured,” I said into the microphone on the command console. “This is not a drill, I repeat, this is not a drill.”
The scrambler chimed done and spit out a decrypted printout below the original message on the scroll.
I removed it and read it over quickly first, then carefully a second time.
“Commander?” Crocket asked.
“Faust,” I whispered. “Message received, Lieutenant, verify message!” I said hoofing it over to him.
He did the same. “Faust. I mean, Message verified from Crystal Friendship Palace, authentic mam!,” He said.
“We are in agreement then, Stable 7 is now on Ready-Launch. Proceed to open orders Delta-7-Sparkle-Lyra and begin pre-stampede checklist.” I said, undoing my lock on the safe containing our stable’s prearranged orders.
“Orders, Delta-7-Sparkle-Lyra, Agreed,” He said before reaching into the safe and withdrawing the wax card bearing the correct sequence.
As he broke the case open I began running through the checklist with the two technicians seated at the herd command console. “Begin herd checklist. Fault check, acknowledge.”
“Faults acknowledged and cleared.”
“Herd switch, internal power, acknowledge.”
“Herd switched to internal power.”
“Warheads acknowledge.”
“Warheads acknowledged.”
“Gantry retract, acknowledge.”
“Gantries confirmed retracted.”
“Insert targeting sequence!”
Crocket hoofed me my copy of the orders. “Target selection, A-4, B-7, C-9,….” And so on, each time, Crocket repeated and acknowledged my orders, with the technicians acknowledging his acknowledgment.
“Pre-stampede checklist confirmed complete,” Crocket said.
“Acknowledge,” I answered, finally feeling the nerves catching up to me.
“Recommend proceed to release commander,” Crocket said.
So this was it, this was how it all ends. Faust help us all.
“Release acknowledged,” I said, biting down on the magically inert key from its place in the anklet I wore at all times when I was on stable.
I inserted my key into one side of the console, Crocket the other. “Key turn in 3...2...1….” I said, biting down and rotating the key. May Faust forgive us all for what we have just done.
“Stampede initiated, herd away in T minus 30 seconds.” the technician next to Crcoket read from the screen.
There was silence in the control room, our job was done.
Hundreds of yards away, in the dirt and sand surrounding the mountain Stable 7 had been carved into, sat dozens of Equestria’s most destructive weapons in the arsenal of friendship. Below the gathering of large cement hatches, lay an awakened herd of minute-mare missile, capable of delivering friendship anywhere in Equis in 15 minutes or less, and we had just let them loose from the barn.
The desert rumbled as the dozens of rockets roared to life. Each hatch popped open at the last possible moment, revealing the tall sleek rocket to Celestia’s baking sun. In less than a minute, it was all over. Stable 7’s herd was away, galloping across the skies towards Yakyakistan, to deliver friendship and love.
At T minus 10 minutes, the entire stampede reached space, having dropped their spent boosters and glided to maximum altitude.
Payload fairings jettisoned revealing each missile’s debilitating payload; the most adorable ponies Equestria had to offer.
Strapped to chairs, three to a missile, wearing pressure suits, they endured the harsh ride to space, and now were riding the greatest roller coaster of their lives back down to Equis.
Once they broke the atmosphere again, the glide vehicles began an impressive display of pyrotechnics and deployed large balloons to confuse and distract the enemy.
At fifty thousand cantors, the ponies began to be ejected off the launch vehicle, one by one using large springs under their seats.
As they descended further, they each broke the sound barrier, further lighting up the skies over Yakyakistan with sonic rainbooms of all sizes and colors.
Party streamers poured out of what was left from the glide vehicles as they careened towards the ground.
Reaching the ground, the ponies began their shenanigans. Adorable eyes, cuddly poses, an impossible amount of tangled string, each brought the enemy to their knees by the sheer cuteness. One even went so far as to get his head stuck in a clothing hanger, completely immobilizing an entire division of troops, he was sure to receive the Sparkle’s Medal of Friendship for that one.
As quickly as it started, it was all over.
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“….And the Yakistani prime minister resigned today in shame following his signing of the declaration of eternal friendship with Equestria. Princess Celestia was quoted as saying ‘Friendship today, Friendship tomorrow, Friendship forever!’ meanwhile Princess Sparkle was quoted as saying ‘[She] was very pleased with the Pony Ballistic Missile Service and their devotion to the cause of friendship.’ Princess Twilight went on to further discuss other applications of Mutually Assured Friendship, but was silenced by Princess Luna who had in the past expressed support for placing a friendship laser on her moon but praised the efforts of her kingdom’s scientists to resolve wars and conflicts with such powerful lasting solutions.” I read before taking a sip from the decaffeinated gruel.
Rolling onto my back, I let the paper settle back down on the table and sighed. Another kingdom brought down by the power of friendship and adorability, another day in the Pony Ballistic Missile Service, I thought before I settled into my bunk and closed the curtains around it. My shift started in 6 hours, and the herd wasn’t going to tend itself.
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Those Serious Silly Ponies and their Silly Serious Missiles
The End.
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Author's Note
This was a serious silly story, brought on by a silly joke in a serious silly story.
