S01E01: "We're not in ACME LABS anymore, auntie Brain."
Ok, I see that the spacing between dialog and paragraphs has been erased. Trust me it's there in the edit window, and in the preview, I don't understand why it's not showing in the normal page. It's not me, it's the site. If someone knows how I can fix this, let me know.
“It was a dark and stormy night. Oouoouooou…. NARF!
I was just minding my own business, gnawing my food pellets into the shapes of my favorite characters from the show Transformulators and Pretty Little Ponies, when I heard eerie sounds coming from where Brain was making some new thingamajigy.
I approached with one of my whittled pellets in hand, I was really hoping he’d like it, I made it just for him. When I got close, I saw that he was hard at work making sparks come from wires and pushing some buttons on a wall.
He must have heard me, because he turned around and gave me one of his mean, scowly looks that he always has. With a raised eyebrow he said to me:"
“Pinky…. Why are you narrating everything?”
Atop the metal table, Pinky stood across from Brain, his vaguely quadrupedal carving in his paws, the end of his tail dragging along a voice recorder.
“I’m just practicing for my story Brain.”
Brain regarded him queerly, “You’re going to write a story? About what?”
“There’s this really popular fan-fiction website Brain, and I want to put my own story on there.”
“Pinky…” putting a paw to his prodigious forehead, Brain calmly tried to explain something without striking his friend this time.
“Fan-Fiction means your story is about someone else’s creation, like a movie or a TV show.”
“Ohhhhh.” Pinky thought. “You mean like that show that comes on every night at 10 o’clock.”
“That’s not a show, that’s the nightly news.”
“So that’s why they’ve had so many seasons! Point!”
Closing his eyes, Brain took a deep breath, and exhaled with a practiced rhythm. He turned back to his work amidst the tangle of wires, and concentrated.
“Yes, well, entertain yourself quietly on the other side of the lab please, I’m nearing completion of my latest creation that will take me to world domination!”
Pinky stepped lively over to stand beside him, holding the graven food-pellet behind his back.
“What’s the machine do this time Brain? Make everyone sneeze all at once? Replace all the water with cough syrup? Make all the world leaders afraid of pants?”
His brow pinched in the middle as Brain spliced two wires together.
“I must have done something horrible in a former life.” He muttered. “No Pinky, like I explained yesterday, and this morning, and an hour ago, this machine will allow us to teleport virtually anywhere in the world, almost instantaneously.”
Brain shoved the wires into the compartment and closed the hatch, revealing the contraption that was built atop it. Standing between two oscillation tubes, a light came on inside a cylinder as tall as a coffee maker. The back was metal inlaid with porcelain, and the door that hung open was a translucent plastic. Topping the cylinder was a beehive-like structure, evenly space rectangular gaps shown a red glow from inside.
“Once it’s operating, we’ll be able to infiltrate any facility, access any vault. We’ll pilfer, pocket, and purloin military secrets, financial information, blackmail files, new technologies. The world will be at my fingertips, and I’ll have the information and ability to force any nation to its knees if they refuse to bow! I call it, the BOWTIE, ‘Brain Operated World Teleportation Interface Economizer’.”
“Naaaaaaarrrrffff…“ Pinky gasped, marveling at the possibilities. “Does that mean we’ll be able to find all those rare Beano Babies for my collection?!”
Thinking for a moment, Brain put a finger to his chin. “Possibly, yes. But first, we must test the device, and make sure it won’t drop us over a volcano.”
“Or somewhere icky like Lean Dunham’s dirty clothes hamper.”
Sparing the thought a shiver of revulsion, Brain drew from beside the machine what looked like an electronic pair of briefs. Made of a silver fabric, it was laced with electrodes and rimmed with copper wire.
“Narf, Brain.” Pinky cooed, leaning down to examine the device more closely. “Does it get satellite radio?”
“This device anchors me to the teleporter, allowing me and anything I‘m touching to be brought back here.” Putting one leg through the opening, Brain slightly bobbed his head from side to side. “Within reason of course.”
“Well, it certainly does cut a figure.”
“An unexpected but welcome byproduct, Pinky. I’ll be seizing the world in style.”
“Na-ha-ha-ha! Troz! And it’ll go great with this!” Pinky presented the whittled figure of the equine to him, making the motion of it prancing.
Appraising the craftwork, Brain merely followed its motion with his eyes.
“A finer example of your pellet-whittling, but it’ll have to remain behind for now.”
“Why Brain? Where are we going to first?”
“I thought we’d go on a little trip to the Pentagon.” Brain punched a series of buttons on a panel connected to the teleporter by data cables, the window along the top displaying the coordinates as he entered the numbers.
“Then maybe a midnight snack in Moscow.”
“Oh, we’ll be just like Carmine San Fernando! Zort!”
Brain led the way to the chamber, pushing a separately crafted set of stairs to the base of the door. Built of boxes of staples held together with scotch tape, the three steps were an unspoken contrast to the teleporter.
“Come Pinky, there’s a dossier of military secrets just waiting for me. And probably a desk-top bobble-head or two for you.”
“I hope they have one of Bryant Gumble.” Pinky let go of the voice recorder, and set the sculpted pony on top of it.
“Now you be good, Acorn Flush.”
Pausing at the threshold with the door in his paw, Brain looked back at Pinky curiously.
“Acorn Flush?”
“All ponies have names from two different things. Like: “Butter Spread”, and “Patchwork Bob”.”
“Forget I asked.”
“Asked what?” Pinky said as he entered the chamber behind Brain, closing the door.
“See there Pinky.” Brain pointed out a digital countdown clock on the other end of the coordinates display. “Within 20 seconds, the halls of power will be open to us!”
Pinky took Brain’s left paw in his own, humming to himself as he waited.
Brain scowled. “You only need to be in contact with me on the way back Pinky.”
“But I don’t, don’t have to hold your paw right?”
Instead of answering, Brain yanked on Pinky’s arm, pitching him downwards for a balled fist to the noggin.
“I require some personal space.”
“Right-o Brain.” The taller mouse said as he rubbed the newly formed bump.
Brain watched the timer diminish, visions of crowns and thrones dancing before his eyes. But a sudden slapping noise caused them all to scatter away. On the door to the cell, a strip of duct-tape was thrown across, adhering the door to the frame.
“What!?”
“Hello Brain.”
Stepping out in front of them, another type of furry lab-animal came into view. A wide smile across his face, the prodigious crown of the hamster revealed that the last second interloper could only be-
“Snowball.” Brain muttered, his paws against the glass.
“Hi Snowball!” Pinky waved.
Glancing sidelong to the timer at 10 seconds, Snowball walked over and inspected the control panel.
“Whatever you’re planning to do Snowball, “ Brain cursed, “Tampering with the spatial calculations could-”
“Send you somewhere dangerous?” Snowball finished for him. “Middle of the ocean? Middle of the Earth? A chance I’m willing to take to get rid of you Brain.”
As the hamster’s furry little finger moved towards the buttons, Brain braced himself. Pinky pressed his face against the glass and laughed.
Snowball paused slightly before running his paw across a swath of buttons, his smile grown into a malicious grin.
“Noooooooo!” Brain cried out. The machine emitted a series of warped bleeps and bloops, before the transportation cell illuminated.
In a flash, the two mice were gone.
“Fare thee well Brain.” Snowball sung, grasping his paws behind his back as he turned to walk away. “May your next destination be an interesting one. Hmh, hmhmhmhhm!”
Manifesting in a blink of light, Pinky and Brain found themselves hurtling through the branches of a tree.
“WHAAAAAAAAA!” They screamed.
The limbs were many and gnarled with age, creating a maze of cudgels for them to blunder their way through on the way down.
“BUFF!”
“GUHH!”
“HWAA!
“Zort!”
“KUHH!”
They hit the ground in a pool of brown water, doused in the small puddle of slimy liquid. With a groan, they collapsed back-first with a splash. The electronic briefs Brain wore sparked and fizzled.
“The Pentagon is a lot spookier than I thought it would be.” Pinky said. “And a lot more painful.”
Brain raised a fist to clock him over the head, but let it wither away in exhaustion.
“Whatever Snowball did, he’s thrown our coordinates off drastically.”
Sitting up, and shaking an arc of green scum off his arm, he took notice of their surroundings.
“We could possibly be in the Florida Everglades, Indonesia, Central America. With any number of large predators.”
With an audible gulp, Pinky sat up, covered in the muck.
“You mean like lions and tigers?”
“More like snakes, owls, and wild felines.” At that moment, a long howl went through the night air. “And wolves apparently.”
“Um, Brain, does this mean we won’t be back in time for the new episode of Chicago Vet?”
“I think that’s a safe bet Pinky." Looking down at his shorts, Brain saw the damage done. "The electrodes in the anchor device have been shorted out, and unless I can acquire the tools to repair them, there's no way home but the long way. For now, we have to find some way back to civilization.”
After a hasty effort of drying themselves off, they set out into the foreboding wood, the feeling of eyes in the shadows tracking their every step. They avoided plain sight by keeping to the nooks and crevices, going around roots and staying off the main paths. The better part of an hour passed before they saw anything else besides grey trees and pale vegetation.
“Look Brain! Somebody’s house is all crumbly-bumbly, Narf!” Emerging from the tall grass at the edge of a clearing, Pinky pointed to the ruins of a stone structure atop a hill.
“That isn’t just a house.” Brain remarked with a bit of wonder in his voice, “Those are the remains of a castle. Do you know what this means Pinky?”
“Ummm, it means that inside we’ll find a guy with a whip fighting vampires?”
“No, you gamer-goob. Combined with the presence of wolves, it means that we are likely in continental Europe. Judging by the dense forestry, I’d say we’re in Germany, trudging through the Black Forest. Come, we may find something useful inside.”
Sprinting out from their position, the mice made a break for the castle.
“Dancing in the moonlight! Na-Ha-ha-hah! Troz!”
They reached the front entrance, and slipped inside via the crack in the ajar door.
“Naaaaaaaaaarrrrfff.”
“Narf indeed Pinky.” The inside of the castle was enchanting. A long central corridor, with several passageways on either side. Beds of moss were spaced in between the doorways, where decorative gardens might have once been. Directly opposite the entrance was a pair of stairs leading to a second floor. Hanging from the rafters curiously enough, were parallel banners, each of them featuring a unique creature.
“Oh, look at the horseies Brain!” They strode deeper into the former palace, a gentle breeze wafting in through the ceiling which was half missing.
“I don’t recall any mythological equines having both wings and a horn.” Brain thought, studying the depiction of the animals, one beneath a moon, the other under a sun. “Must be some kind of local iconography.”
Wandering farther into the castle, they went down a corridor that led them to another spacious room, this one filled with books from floor to ceiling. Several piles of tomes lay strewn on the floor.
“Whatever conflict occurred here, spared the library. A fortuitous happenstance for us Pinky.”
A candle in it’s holder sat on the rug, a line of cobweb wafting between the tip of the wick and the rim of melted wax. Brain found a pack of matches laying next to it, and striking one, lit the candle. Going over to the nearest book, he flipped a few pages into it, and found himself staring at lettering that defied his expertise.
“What in god’s name is this?” He said, brow furrowing in confusion. The characters were not of any language he knew of, not even ancient ones like Sanskrit or hieroglyphs.
“You know what this reminds me of Brain.” Pinky was laying atop a set of open pages, tracing the outlines of the symbols with a finger. “This reminds me of those fun games, where you have to match the shapes with the holes.”
“Are you talking about that toy set used for testing the intelligence of chimpanzees and toddlers?”
“Mm-hmm. Two out of three and improving Brain.”
An overdue face-palm stretched Brain’s face downward before snapping back into place. He continued to flip through the pages, and after that, found another book with the same structure. And here and there, he kept seeing pictures of horses in them, in places where one might expect to see people.
“It appears these people were very fond of their horses.” He said to himself.”
He closed the book and thought to himself for a moment.
“Pinky, are you-” glancing over, he could see his friend curled-up in the middle of book, a page pulled around him like a blanket.
“Yes, well… I suppose there’s no harm in taking it in for the night and resuming our trek in the morning. It would be safer for us in the daylight. ”
Doing as Pinky had done, Brain folded a few pages over to create a little cushion, hopped onto the middle and pulled the other page over.
“By this time- yawn -tomorrow, we will be on our… way…home…”
Several hours passed by around them, the flame of the candle dancing lower and lower until it reached the bottom and petered out.
Morning came, not that there was any sign of it as Brain’s eyes slowly opened, blinking twice. He was welcomed by the sight of the still-dreary castle library, just as dark and foreboding as it had been before. Now it lacked even the civilizing luminance of the candle. Though there was the slight aid of light coming from windows high above. He glanced about, suspicious of the lack of change, and found the Pinky had rolled much closer to him during the night. In fact, Pinky’s head was now slung over Brain’s stomach, muttering to himself.
“Egad, Brain… not the… not the chocolate… what will we wear to the play?”
Rolling to his left, Brain let his companion’s head flop onto the pages, where he continued to snooze. Suddenly the book was slammed shut, folding Pinky in between the halves. Brain waited patiently with paws behind his back as a commotion within the pages gave birth to a frazzled mouse. Pinky slipped out from the mysterious tome, grunting as he crawled to freedom.
“Oh good, Pinky, you’re awake.”
“I was having the most wonderful dream Brain.” Pinky said as he wobbled to his feet. “I was a beautiful little butterfly thingy, floating along on the breeze.”
The pair made for the exit, Brain taking in more of their surroundings now that he was fully rested.
“But then all of a sudden, everything got really dark and painful.” Pinky finished, pulling his ears over his eyes for emphasis.
“Yes, the unconscious mind is a thing of great mystery. Come now Pinky, we have a long way to go if we want to escape this primordial forest and get back to civilization, and more importantly, the lab.”
They reached the threshold of the room, where the library met the hallway and split into three directions. But just as they were about to step out, a spider crossed their path, coming from the left to stop reflexively when it spotted them.
“BAHH!” Brain and Pinky shrieked, stumbling backwards.
The creature was grey, but sported a great blue star on its abdomen. It reared back, cautious of these unfamiliar entities at first, but after deciding they were not too big for it, started to approach.
“That’s odd.” Brain remarked, as they continued to back away. “I don’t recall a species of arachnid with that particular marking.”
“Maybe he just wants to sit down beside us and have some of our curds and whey.
“I doubt that Pinky, large enough spiders have been known to [gulp] prey on rodents.”
Another spider, sliding down from above on a line of silk, touched down on their right, the two acting in tandem to drive the mice towards the wall. More then too, crawling out from every nook and crevice, rallying to an unannounced call to action.
“If only this was one of those spooky movie castles, Brain.” Their retreat ended at the wall, as their backs pressed against the hard stone.
“Why?” Brain asked.
“Because then there’d be a secret passageway that would open up just in time to save us.”
The seconds ticked by as the spiders advanced, with nothing happening to rescue them.
“I guess this just isn’t one of those castles, point.”
Looking about in desperation, Brain noticed the tapestry hanging above them. “Up there, Pinky! Help me climb!”
Pinky crouched down, allowing Brain to clumsily surmount his shoulders and reach up to the dangling threads of the banner. With a short leap, he was able to grab onto the fabric and pull himself up. Pinky held onto Brain’s tail, tucking his own between his legs as he was pulled off the floor and out of the spider’s path.
“They’ll never be able to get us up here Brain.” Pinky said as he came side by side with Brain, chancing a glance back down as they scrambled further upwards.
Below, the spiders proceeded to clamber up the wall, totally unimpeded by the vertical plane.
“Ohhhhh, that’s right they can do that.”
“Climb faster Pinky!” Managing to stay ahead of their arthropod pursuers, they reached the top of the tapestry, and swung themselves onto the brass bar from which it hung. “This way!”
Running towards the end, they hopped off and landed on the uppermost shelf of a book case.
“There.” Brain said, seeing the spiders reach the end of the pole and come to a stop. “That should stall them for now. Quickly, we can make it down these books before they catch up.”
“At least if we get stuck we’ll have something to read, troz.”
They had gotten down two shelves when the book Brain was holding onto shifted, and released a puff of dust. It tickled his nostrils and triggered an incapacitating reaction.
“Ah-ah-chu!” The sneeze loosened his grip from the binding, and he suddenly realized that there was nothing between him and the stone floor several feet below. “Darn. WHAA-!”
His fall was prevented by Pinky lunging out with one paw, catching Brain’s flailing arm as he hung onto a tome with the other.
“God bless you, na-ha-ha-ha!”
The book they were hanging off of tilted outward, putting them both in a state of alarm. But instead, the entire bookcase spun in place, the momentum prying them free and pitching them away.
“WHAAAAAA!”
The new space they entered was a carpeted hallway, lined with suits of armor. It was into the helm of one of these suits that they careened into, smashing into the metal faceplate.
“TUUH!”
They peeled off the dusty steel and fell to the floor, audible splats! echoing off the walls.
“It appears that this is one of those castles, Pinky.” Brain groaned, staring up at the ceiling.
“Just like in that game, ‘CastleMania’, Zort!”
Sitting up, Brain was immediately struck by the sight of armor, and indeed all the sets of armor lining the hall. All of them were of medieval style fabrication, but constructed to be worn by horses.
“Holy ponies, Brain!”
“My sentiments exactly. This place is oddly fixated with equines.” The super-genius pondered, dusting himself off. “Hopefully we can find a way out of this, house of hidden pitfalls before we trigger anymore booby traps.”
“Na-ha-ha-ha!” Pinky laughed, falling in step behind Brain as he picked a direction and walked. “You said booby! Narf!”
“Ughh….”
Roughly an hour later, the two upright mice exited the castle. Covered in scorch marks, bruises, and looking like they had just run a gauntlet of snarling tigers and flaming baseball bats, they gingerly made their way down the steps.
“Can we come back tomorrow, Brain? It was so much fun going down all those hidden slides!”
“I keep telling you, those weren’t slides, those were trap doors.”
“Oooooo… That explains why all the balls were missing from the ball-pits at the end.”
“Just as vacant as that space between your ears.”
Their journey through the forest continued, where eventually they came to the mire of a swamp, layered on its surface by a murky haze. Pinky shivered as they walked along, the warm stones under their feet providing little comfort.
“Um… Brain? Do you think this place has one of those, creatures of the blue lagoons?”
“I highly doubt Brooke Shields is lurking in this ghastly bog, Pinky.”
“I don’t know Brain, something about this place is giving me the chilly-willies.”
“Yes, I’m starting to rethink me earlier premise of where Snowball’s tampering sent us. I’m not quite sure where we are.”
“Oh! Maybe we got sent to another dimension, where the world is run by friendly donkeys”
“Don’t be absurd.”
“But I’m so good at it! Narf!”
Glancing down at the path under their feet, Brain’s face scrunched with a thought.
“For a swamp, this ground is awfully solid.”
As if hearing him, a tremor went through the surface, shaking them until they lost balance.
“Egad, Brain! We’re on a giant hotel bed, and someone just put a quarter in!”
The quaking ground then ascended upwards at a terrifying rate, up above the haze, up through the boughs of the trees and into the open air. Suddenly the ground was revealed as a massive dark-gold undulating limb. Pressed nearly flat by the centripetal force, they screamed open-mouthed as they went sailing into the heavens.
The ride came to an end when they were launched into the sky.
“AHHHHHHHHHH!”
Emerging from the muck, the hydra beast heard a faint noise fading off into the distance, its four heads curiously looking about for the cause. Checking its tail, it found nothing of importance.
Pinky and Brain hurtled through the air, cutting through clouds and giving a squadron of ducks a fright when they intersected paths. The mallard squawked when the mice collided into him, tumbling with them for a moment before being able to eject them and continue on his migration.
“WHAAAAAAAAAAAAA!” Plummeting to the ground, they held onto one another for dear life, the only thing between them and a squishy impact was the cloud that obscured their view of wherever they might be landing.
“Pinky!” Brain cried out. “Before we die, I have to tell you that-”
His words were cut off as they entered the cloud, and emerged from it atop a flexible yellow surface. They bounced across the sun-shaped icon twice before coming to a stop face down.
“Tell me what, Brain?” Pinky said, his voice muffled by the fabric.
Using both forepaws to pry his face free, Brain sputtered for the right words. “I, uh, I meant to tell you that uh… I always admired the way you kept your corner of the cage so neat and tidy.”
“Well you know it’s a task that never ends. There’s always food pellets all over the place. Troz.” Pinky likewise un-stuck his face, the two of them sitting upright.
“Fortune is on our side Pinky! It appears we’ve landed on the top of a hot-air balloon.”
“Oh how magical! We’re off to Imaginationland!” Pinky began to sing to himself, pointing fingers to accentuate his notes. “Imagination, imagination, imaginaaaatiooon-land, NARF!”
“Ha-ha! Narf!” A bubbly voice laughed. “That’s funny!”
They snapped around to see of all things, a grey furred pegasus with a blonde mane passing them by. A talking pegasus. All they could do was stare in amazement.
“Pinky…” Brain began as they watched the aerial equine move on. “I think your earlier proposition may have been more salient than I gave you credit for.”
“My mother always did tell me to be more salient, point.”
The clouds before them finally broke, and spread out across the landscape was a quaint little village. And a huge crystal castle.
“Oh ponies, Brain! Narf! They’re all singing and so colorful and lovely!”
“Curse you Snowball…”
Author's Note
Perhaps it's just me, but I thought that the comedic styles of these two shows mix pretty well.
Stay tuned for further updates!
