You and Pinkie have been dating for around a month now. You might be still at an early stage of your relationship, but as far as you’re concerned, she’s the best pony you’ve ever met. Especially after a run of bad experiences with previous partners.
You’re hanging out at Sugarcube Corner one evening. You’re sat watching TV while Pinkie cleans up the kitchen. Suddenly, she walks into the room and sits next to you.
“Hey” she whispers in a low voice. “Mr and Mrs cake aren’t gonna be back for a while. Do you want to… you know.”
“Uh… no, I don’t know” you reply.
Pinkie smiles at you. “I mean get to 3rd base…”
“OH!” you shout in realization. “Oh… uh… yeah. Let’s do that.”
“Oooh! Except we won’t just get to 3rd base! We’ll get a home run! We’ll get lots! Zoom! Around the pitch we’ll go!”
You don’t bother correcting her that it’s actually a baseball FIELD, not a baseball pitch, but you’re already sick enough of the baseball metaphor as it is.
“Come on! We can use the Cake’s bed!” she says before bouncing away and up the stairs.
You follow her upstairs when she suddenly freezes, lets out an exaggerated gasp, then turns to face you.
“Hey! I’ve got an even BETTER idea! Why don’t you eat something out of me!”
“I… what?” you respond in total confusion.
“You know! We get a tasty delicious treat, we put it juuuust a little inside my vagoo, then you eat it out!”
“uh… I… yeah, okay, let’s do that” you reply, still dazed by the whole concept.
“What should we use?” she asks. “Oooh! I know! A lollipop! Everyone likes lollipops! Oh! Wait! No! What about… a CHOCOLATE lollipop! Everyone likes chocolate and everyone likes lollipops, so double-everyone must like chocolate lollipops!”
“What… I’ve never even heard of a chocolate lollipop. Why not just, like, some regular chocolate? Or, like, a cupcake? Or something like that.” you inquire.
“Okay!” she says before bouncing away into the kitchen. She returns to the bedroom wearing some kind of fishnet stockings and a headdress. She looks like a stage performer from the wild west.
“Okay! Come up here onto the bed!” You follow her instructions.
She hands you a small pink cupcake.
Carefully, you place the cupcake just inside Pinkie’s vagina and hear her breathe in sharply as it goes in. You slide it about halfway in.
“Uh. Okay. What do I do now?” you ask.
“You eat it out of me! You’re only allowed to use your mouth, though!”
“…right” you reply.
You lean forwards to try and grab the cupcake with your teeth, but accidentally slip up and headbutt it with your nose. At the exact same time, Pinkie has some kind of muscle spasm and the cupcake is sucked inside.
Oh fuck oh god why why why
“Pinkie. Don’t panic” you say.
Her expression breaks. Her smile turns into a slight frown of concern, and her eyes go from their usually bubbly expression to one of fear.
“W…whats wrong?” she asks.
You really can’t think of a good way to explain how monumentally you managed to screw up something as simple as eating a cupcake.
“uh. We lost the cupcake” you say.
“What? Where is it?” she asks.
“It… I dunno! It’s just gone! It went inside your vagina!”
At this news she flails around frantically and starts screaming in the most non-sexy way imaginable.
“GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT! GETITOUTGETITOUTGETITOUT!”
“Alright! Jesus, calm down. I got this” you reply, calmly and expertly.
You slide your hoof into her vagina like some kind of demented plumber and feel the cupcake. Sadly, the fact you have hooves instead of hands means that your valiant cupcake recovery attempt has only pushed the cupcake in deeper.
“Fuck. Uh, wait here a minute.”
“WHERE ARE YOU GOING?” she screams. “STAY! STAY HERE!”
You rush downstairs and fumble around chaotically in the drawers for a minute before rushing back upstairs with a pair of pliers.
“NOO! NO! YOU CAN’T USE THOSE!” Pinkie protests.
“Shit, just stay still! You won’t even feel it!” you reassure her.
Pinkie remains as still as possible. You slide the pliers into her genitals and begin searching for the cupcake.
“It’s not there” you say. The tension of the situation is beginning to hit you. “IT’S NOT THERE.”
Pinkie starts shaking again. “Well, look around more!”
“IT’S NOT THERE!” you scream. Your shove your entire arm up Pinkie’s vagina causing her to yelp loudly. “LOOK! IT’S NOT THERE! THERE’S NOTHING.”
Pinkie bursts out crying again, and you do too. This is the worst first-sex-with-girlfriend ever.
The sounds of you both crying cause you to not hear the door to the room being opened.
“…are they…” Mr. Cake says.
“…in our bed?” Mrs. Cake says. “And… what’s his arm doing all the way up…?”
“Okay, wait” you say through the tears. “Let me explain what’s happened here.”
Mr. Cake just looks on in shock while Mrs. Cake charges at you.
“HOW DARE YOU HURT PINKIE!” Mrs. Cake says. She yanks your arm forcefully out of Pinkie's groin and you feel a weird weight being lifted off your arm.
“No! This is a misunderstanding!” you whine. Mrs. Cake picks you up and begins to drag you out of the house.
“I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A CUPCAKE! THERE’S A CUPCAKE UP THERE! SHE HAS A CUPCAKE INSIDE HER! I WAS JUST LOOKING FOR A CUPCAKE!” you scream as your pathetic ass is hauled out into the street.
Mrs. Cake stares at you with an expression of pure rage. "Don't ever come back here. Don't ever even talk to Pinkie again." With that, she goes back inside.
You sigh. You have ruined your relationship by managing to screw up eating a cupcake.
At least you have some time to kill now. You look down at your watch. ...It's not there. Where the hell could your watch have fallen off your arm?
Oh. Right.
