I sometimes feel like I hate myself.
I am… well, I certainly am not cocky. Heavens, no. Adequate manners for the lady with proper grace rebuff any such uncouth behaviour. A lady is never cocky. Self-important, proud, overconfident --- perhaps --- but cocky? Never.
Nevertheless, while ample words dignify a lady’s poise, the matter of how I treat those around me remains. All my life, long as I can remember, I have only ever wanted to be noticed. Growing up into a charming, young lady with exquisite taste in style and fashion, I longed to be mobbed around by fans, cheering out my name, as if I were a glamourous star.
My only true home was the spotlight.
If I were to tell my friends about the self-interest I possessed for myself, they would only tell me of how ‘untrue’ that is and that I ‘fail to see the good’ in myself.
Ah… Sympathetic ones, my friends.
Although I hardly find reason to blame them for trying to console me. We are a band of fierce -- yet exceedingly stylish -- warriors and we trust each other more than ourselves. Shall there ever be need for one of us to rely for support on others, we never hesitate to rush in and help. After all, there must be many reasons for why we were chosen as bearers of the Elements of Harmony. We are one.
I love my friends. Nothing will ever, never change that. They are amazing and each is fabulous in their own way.
I know nopony who is more of a knowledgeable educationist and more deserving of the ‘Princess’ title than my dear Twilight Sparkle.
Her little dragon assistant, my darling little Spike-Wikey, holds a tremendous place in my heart for his noble acts and pure intentions.
In our harmonious land of Equestria, the kindest, gentle and most adorable pony that I have been blessed by Celestia to have encountered is Fluttershy.
If there was anypony I loved for being the most reliable, honest hard-worker in all of Equestria, it could be none other than Applejack.
Life is never easy for any individual and sometimes we all need to laugh; therefore, nopony fills my world with more brightness, cheeriness and laughter than Pinkie Pie.
Of course, the boldest, most daring and, without a doubt, most loyal friend I could have ever wished for is Rainbow Dash.
All my friends. Lovely darlings. Each perfect in their own unique ways.
Sometimes I wonder.
I wonder why they stick up for me.
I wonder why they forgive my obnoxious thirst for being recognized.
I wonder why they never see the impurity in my heart.
I wonder why they care for me so selflessly.
I wonder why I hold meaning to them.
I wonder why they forget all my mistakes and give me a second chance.
I wonder why they love me so much.
I do wonder a lot. It is not like I am some demon who so desperately wishes to overthrow Celestia and Luna so that I may be the sole, all-powerful ruler of Equestria --- but I still feel like I am a monster from within. Something evil. Something unworthy.
Why was I chosen to bear the Element of Generosity when I hardly think about anything more than how I look?
I don’t know.
What I do know is that I am a sufficiently charitable lady… but there are more like me in Equestria, are there not? I love the smiles that I can bring to ponies with the littlest acts of compassion --- who doesn’t?
I am a… well, as much as I hate to say, I am a narcissist. I wish there were a more dignified manner I could say this but I can’t. The truth is bitter, hard to swallow but it is important. Applejack taught me that. A true match for the Element of Honesty.
Upon hearing of me and my friends, one would think Rainbow Dash was the big-headed one of the group, considering how she goes on all the time about how ‘awesome’ she is and how nopony ‘could ever be better’ than herself.
Oh, the poor darling.
Her behaviour no more than a foal who yearns for attention of their peers so that she may be respected. I have seen it in her eyes. From the outside, she appears to have a boisterous personality, maintaining her so-called cool but… on the inside, it is a different story. What she does, she does to impress. Impress her peers, her friends, her family, her elders, her idols, her relatives, even her enemies… everypony.
No, she might be the one who acts big-headed but, heavens to Celestia, I could swear on my life that she is just a delicate darling.
I am the egotistical one of the group.
The selfish unicorn who doesn’t deserve her friends.
The pony obsessed with herself.
Craving for attention. Yearning for praise. Dying to be in the spotlight.
Oh.
I truly, really, sincerely hate myself.
Rarity sighed softly as she, with a click of her magic, finished her audio log. Even though it was not her birthday, Twilight had given her a voice-recording device that could be used to record logs for each day – a device that clearly functioned like a verbal diary and not a surprising gift from Rarity’s alicorn friend, considering how much she loved books. It was a simple, black device with dashes of golden lines sprinting at the edges that Rarity thought looked simply stunning --- and she knew that if she thought something looked stunning, it most definitely looked stunning. She was the most fashion-forward pony there was --- how could it be otherwise?
With a pang of realization, Rarity groaned.
Once again, her haughty self-righteousness was rising within herself. Rearing its ugly head… well, no. It had to have a rather fabulous head, Rarity decided. If it were anywhere near ugly, it simply would not be allowed to stay in her. A proper lady might be haughty but there was no reason to allow such appalling crimes against fashion, no matter how dreadfully horrendous the situation might be.
With a small exhale, Rarity put the small recorder in her handbag, resting her smooth back on the glistening, soft rolls of the creamy satin blankets beneath. The late evening was cool and a divine evening breeze was gently blowing across the Castle.
Princess Celestia had been ever so generous as to allow her to stay in one of the royal castle suite, she pondered with a small smile --- a smile that sharply dissolved into a frown. Perhaps the Princess herself would have made a better candidate for the Element of Generosity instead of Rarity, the unicorn mused to --- practically scolded --- herself. After all, she even gave separate suites to all of Rarity’s friends for their stay after Twilight’s birthday; how in Equestria could the Elements not choose her?
She didn’t deserve such an honor --- although she completely understood if the Elements were seeking somepony as fabulous and elegant as herself. That was an absolutely legit explanation, wasn't it? There was simply nopony in all of Equestria who could ever hope to match Rarity's sense of fashion.
Rarity groaned, her eyes closed, and mentally slapped herself.
How could she not stop thinking about herself? Was she diagnosed with some incurable curse of narcissism?
What was wrong with her?
