Fight the Future! On a Budget.

by eraser

Rating: teen
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, XCOM, Adventure, Crossover, Main 6, Fleur de Lis, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human, Other, Tender Taps
Length: 5066

Two X-COM agents investigate another missing people case...

Inspired by "The X-COM Files" mod.
It's late 1996 and "The Extranatural Commission" is just an international supernatural investigation agency. They were created to combat the weird, but there's not much two field agents with Glocks can do.
This missing persons case started just like the previous two, but the outcome was nothing like they expected...

"Other" will include Spike, Snips, Snails, Luna, probably Coco Pommel, Starlight, Trixie, Celestia, changelings.

The cover uses pony vectors by AleximusPrime and the image the game picked for Kamran.

The introductory arc (former chapter 1) is snowballing and will take 1-2 weeks more. I'll try to update 2-3 times a week. Hoping to start real mayhem in March.

Published 2018-02-07 00:30:05 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-19 20:34:57 UTC

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Earth (December 15, 1996)

Author's Note

The readers' reaction to the first chapter was underwhelming even compared to my worse stories. What should I do to improve it? I'm eagerly waiting for you comments.

So, "The X-COM Files" by Solarius Scorch is a fun mod in the style of the original 1994 X-COM games. It doesn't strictly follow the continuity of the original tetralogy or the remakes, but instead puts them in a blender together with bits of "The X-Files", "UFO: Aftermath", "Xenonauts", "Dr. Who", "Master of Orion", "Piratez" and some more. If you've never heard of it, no problem, the story starts like this: there's two ex-policemen, who fight the unknown on a budget, and Earth has many more secrets. This fanfic adds one more: "where the hell do these ponies come from‽"

All names are random, generated by the mod. Except "Pyroxiline", who comes from a certain novelization.

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Earth (December 15, 1996)

Environmental Alert
People went missing in the vicinity. With help from the local forces, we have located a possible reason: some unidentified creature glimpsed several times. We should identify this threat and put an end to it.

A rental sedan that had seen better days was crawling uphill somewhere in Mississippi, USA. Inside were two men in cheap business suits. The driver was a short lively redhead, who never seemed to stop moving and talking; the passenger was deceptively slow tall tan brunet. The driver preferred "Pyroxyline" or "Pyr" to his given name. The passenger bore an unusual name Kamran, which had already caused problems clearing the airport customs. That was why he let Pyr rent the car and drive.

"Any more premonitions?" Pyr asked not taking his eyes off the road.

"No. You?" Kamran replied, checking his Glock.

"Not as such... Just thoughts... Extrapolating from previous missions. First, we were called to investigate one mangled body and found a bloodthirsty furry chicken, who shrugged off buckshot—"

"Good thing car insurance covered ramming," Kamran remarked.

"—Second time, there was one corpse mauled beyond recognition and one missing, and it was a horse-sized wolf—" Pyr continued.

"Who got shot by tourists before we got there." Kamran chuckled, recalling their surprise.

"—Third time, there were three bodies and four missing people, and those four attacked us as zombies—"

"Which reminds me..." Kamran put his pistol to the holster and pulled out a sawed-off shotgun. It looked almost like a pistol in his large hands.

"—And now we have eleven missing and no bodies at all. Should we expect all of them to turn against us?"

"Did you discuss it with Central?"

"Ask them if they got any news." Pyr waved his hand at the radio.

"Sure." Kamran fumbled with still-unfamiliar controls. "Central, this is team one. Anything new on the case?"

So far, they were the only team, but the boss optimistically numbered them, hoping to expand someday.

"Brshhhhhht—the gamekeeper, who was going to meet you, doesn't answer," said the radio. "You're on your own. He went after a sheepdog-sized purple animal and hasn't reported since."

"Another giant wolf?" Pyr shouted so that he would be heard without taking the mic.

"Unlikely, he described the animal as a small horse," boss replied.

"The wolf we saw stomped like a horse," Kamran interjected. "When he was alive, I mean. As the witnesses say."

"And he insisted it was purple," boss repeated.

"Purple horses? How about pink elephants? Are you sure this gamekeeper was mentally sound?" Pyr shouted.

"Yes, sure. Yes, he was. No delirium tremens either." Boss didn't want to elaborate any further.

"Pyroxylin here suggests the missing people here may have become zombies too," said Kamran.

The boss spent a few seconds digesting the idea.

"That's possible. The study of zombies sugges—brshhhhhhh-zzzzzzz-crkl-wwwwwwwwp If the purple animal dispenses the zombifying agent, try to capture it. Tasers should work."

"If the woodsman is gone, any chance to get a local tracker with a dog?" Kamran asked.

"Not today, I'm afraid." Boss sounded apologetic. He took over X-COM's field and research assets only two weeks ago and was still trying to straighten this mess.

"Why the hell!? They ask us to come and help with this crime, yet won't lift a finger to assist? Why shouldn't we turn around and let locals deal with that!?" the driver shouted. Most of the time he controlled himself just fine, but occasionally demonstrated the temperament that earned him the nickname "Pyroxiline". He almost let the wheel go to gesticulate better. Almost.

"Because they won't." The boss sounded grim. "Best case, this thing migrates and—gwwwww-grgrgrgrgr-bleeeep—ost case, the police starts covering it up and fabricating the evidence."

"Do you know something we don't?" Kamran voiced the obvious.

"Yes, and it's strictly need-to-know. And before you ask, no, you being there doesn't amount for 'need'. Unless they start shooting at you. Sorry, guys, it's not for me to decide. Just try to avoid the local police."

Silence fell. Even the noises from the radio disappeared.

"Any more questions? Requests?" the boss asked.

"Next time we need to leave the car, I want real walkie-talkies, not this untransportable pre-war crap!" Pyr shouted.

"I've filed the request last week. Soon."

"And bigger guns," Kamran added.

"The whole science team is searching for loopholes in the rules. But don't hold your breath. I'm afraid, I'll have to raise the issue before the Council in January."

"And hire more agents!" Pyr shouted.

"It's a matter of money. Keep up the good work as you did so far, and Council will increase funding."

🚗⌚🚙⏱🚐⏲🚛⏰🚜

The forester's jeep was parked beside the road. Pyr parked next to it and both stepped out.

Both looked less convincing in business suits than guests at a costume party. Police uniform would've suited them better. Maybe even SWAT. Besides, muddy forest isn't the best place to cosplay Men in Black.

They circled the Forestry Service jeep. The footprints were easy to read on the wet soil. The forester went out of the car and into the woods, then came back for something, then left again. Searching the car yielded a note on the dashboard and a map in the glove box.

Pyr dashed to their car.

"Car one calling Central. We found the Forestry Service jeep, but nobody's there. Just a note."

"Read it," commanded boss.

"The purple thing's in the cave 1 mile NE," Pyr read, "I'm going there. And... coordinates, I guess. 401-414."

"Those numbers mean 'the enemy listens' and 'don't use unscrambled radio'," boss explained.

"Should we stay silent then?" asked Kamran.

"No need. This 'pre-war crap', as you called it, uses state-of-the-art wide-band burst packets. With compression. Deciphering it requires an insider agent and even computing your precise bearing requires military-grade hardware. Costs a fortune, unfortunately."

"Uh."

"So, do you have a map of the area?"

"Yes, we do." Kamran took the microphone from Pyr. "There are pencil marks, including a cross with a word 'cave' near here."

"Near the 1238 elevation mark," Pyr added. "The distance and direction match."

"So, what's the weather like in America? Care for a stroll through the winter forest?"

"Hollywood films keep telling it's always summer in the USA," said Pyr. "Except 'Home Alone'," he quickly corrected himself. "And it's not far from truth. We won't freeze."

⛰⏳🏔⌛🌋

The hill slopes were very gentle, but seeping strength nonetheless. On top of it there were several six-metre bumps with protruding jagged rocks. The chain of human footprints went into a narrow gap between the two slabs. There were also a lot of prints of... Something.

"Looks like a shoeless horse," Kamran remarked. "But it's too light for its size." He looked at the gap and added with doubt: "And a horse won't fit there."

"It's the only cave we found. Let's check."

Kamran took point with the shotgun. Pyr followed, with a pistol and a flashlight. The damn thing had a huge power supply, could double as a club, but cost more than the rest of their arsenal. They still couldn't afford the second one, but weren't allowed to acquire anything cheaper. Pyr suspected the secrecy was meant to save the writers of the regs from angry field agents.

After the second turn of the tunnel the light reflected off something metallic. The path was blocked by three thin bronze disks spinning around orthogonal axes intersecting in one point. Except that bronze is normally solid and doesn't allow disks to spin one through another. The thing was over a metre wide and blocked the path completely.

"Looks like the teleporter thing from the 'Contact' film," Pyr observed.

Kamran lay on the ground and tried to study the tunnel beyond the obstacle.

"I think, I can squeeze under it, but there's no tracks on the other side. They all end here," he said.

"Do you suggest jumping in there?"

Pyr brought a long tree branch from the outside. It smoothly went into the disks, disappearing a few centimetres before touching them. But bore no damage when pulled out. Agents tried probing the other side of the portal — and felt large open space and solid ground. Finally, Kamran risked pushing his arm and then head through the disks.

"There's a wooden platform high above a town of cottages. Very colourful. Should hold our weight. Let's go?"

"Is the air breathable?" Pyr inquired.

"I don't think I breathed," Kamran replied hesitantly. His head disappeared in the portal again to emerge a minute later. "Yes it is."

And they went through.

The case was not resolved
Civilians killed: 1
X-COM agents missing in action: 2
Vehicles lost: 1
Rating: feeble

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Arrival (December 15, 1996)

Magic Susceptibility of Humans — Brief Notes
All humans encountered so far demonstrated zero active magic abilities. Yet they proved to possess an oddly selective sensitivity to beneficial magic. The effects of healing spells and potions are accelerated manifold. If a spontaneous collective song and dance starts, all humans present will participate, which will increase their subsequent productivity for the rest of the day. The most intriguing is their ability to absorb the knowledge of pony language by practising it in the presence of ponies — they learn new words by hearing them from a pony or by seeing a written text when there's a pony within view.
The selective pressure, that caused those traits to evolve, scares me. Though Steve insists they were artificially created for some incomprehensible purpose.

The sky was wrong kind of blue, the sun was wrong shade of yellow, the green fields and forests were abnormally vibrant, yet the scene felt serenely calming. Surprisingly so. A shiny purple tree-like building rose above a town. The agents were standing on a plank platform attached to one of the longer balconies. Steely-grey disks spun above the platform centre.

When Kamran stepped on the plank connecting the platform to the balcony, a loud "BOMMM" resounded.

"Guess, this is their doorbell," Pyr commented. "Let's try to look peaceful."

"Yeah, we're just two foreign policemen searching for the lost woodsman," Kamran replied quietly. "And maybe a dozen more people."

Both put their weapons away, but were ready to pull them out any moment.

Pyr followed Kamran to the branch, stepped on the plank, and it gave another "BOMMM".

"Coming!" a young woman shouted from the "tree" trunk.

The door opened and they saw a small purple pony with a violet forelock.

Everything was wrong about this pony. The muzzle was too short, the eyes were too big, a horn stuck out of its mane, plus there were feathery wings on its sides. Its legs were too thick for its size — but wide hooves would fit the prints around the cave. And it was purple, like the reported monster. The agents were ready to grab the guns any second.

"Welcome to Equestria!" the monster said in a girly voice. "Sorry, we didn't expect you, Steve didn't tell of inviting anybody else."

With a loud pop another creature appeared out of thin air. This one looked like an S-shaped goat-headed snake with mismatched arms, legs and horns.

"OOH!!! Pinkie Pie's got the talent you don't see every year, and now we have not one, but TWO humans that can match Pinkie at her game!" With these words the creature split in two identical copies, both became pink and grew poofy Afro hair.

"Princess, would you permit me to cast a spell that would help them perceive the world deeper?" the snakes said in chorus. "This would be so much fun!" And before the pony could open her mouth, the snakes snapped their fingers.

The flash of light briefly blinded the agents. Both had a strange feeling of their skulls growing in all directions, engulfing the "tree", the town, the nearby forests, the majestic city on the side of the mountain ridge, reaching the sea on both sides of the continent and going beyond...

⌚💫⏳🌋⌛

And then it ended as abruptly as started. They were standing by the platform, the snakes disappeared and the purple pony was less happy.

"That was Discord. Please, forgive him. He meant well, although his interpersonal skills are still lacking. Whatever it was that he tried." She smiled widely and sincerely and continued: "I am Twilight Sparkle and I welcome you in Ponyville, Equestria!"

"How do you speak Farsi?" Kamran asked.

"Farsi? She speaks Russian," Pyr objected.

"This is the magic of friendship at work. We found that humans are somehow more susceptible to some of its aspects, including this," Twilight explained.

"In other words, any human thinks you speak his native language," Pyr summed it up, "right?"

"Right."

"I am Anatoliy Solovyov, but everybody calls me 'Pyroxiline' or 'Pyr'."

"I am Kamran Rezaei."

"Oh, sorry, I'm not being a proper host, come inside, let's talk over tea..." The pony turned toward the door.

"Apologies, but we are here on important business," Pyr interrupted. "Do you know anything about the twelve missing humans?"

"The ones that decided to stay here? You can see them in town. Come, I'll show you."

"Even the man from the Forest Service?" asked Kamran. "The one who never heard of you before today?"

"You are the first ones today," Twilight said with surprise. "What is your friend's name?"

Agents looked at each other puzzled.

"Do you..." Pyr started.

"No," Kamran cut.

"We did not know his name," Pyr explained. "We were to meet him this morning. But he disappeared. Leaving only a note that he followed an unfamiliar purple creature into the cave. Was this creature you?" His arm instinctively moved for the gun.

"Ah, it was probably Starlight Glimmer," Twilight visibly relaxed. "Starli-i-i-i-ght!" she shouted.

Whatever answer she expected, there was none.

"Come in, she's probably showing him the castle," Twilight headed toward the tree trunk. "Starlight! Spike!"

"No need to shout," a boyish voice replied. Another local creature emerged from the door. This time it was a small purple dragon with proportions of a toddler. "She brought another human while you were sleeping. She's showing him Ponyville."

The building was oddly empty. Surely, something as big needed a large team of janitors just to keep it clean. Besides, if "princess" was a title or some official office, there had to be a crowd of assistants and people she ruled. (Or ponies. Or whatever.) Was today some holiday? The agents clearly read these thoughts on each other's faces, but refrained from speaking with the pony in earshot. Or was "princess" a petty insult, perhaps?

Outside the labyrinthine palace they met the first human. A man in his fifties, greying hair and beard cut short, wearing loose jacket and pants out of thick cloth.

"All hail princess Twilight Sparkle!" he shouted hoarsely.

To the agents' surprise the pony blushed. Despite being covered with purple fur!

"Steve, I've told you," she said coming closer, "'Twilight' will do. Haven't we discussed it two moons ago?"

"Sure we did! But you need to look all pompous-y and princess-y, if you brought here the suits." He cast a disdainful glance at the agents. "The king is played by his retinue, as they say, and stuff like that." He made broad gestures, encompassing everything around as said retinue. "What got into you to invite them?"

Twilight inhaled to give him a proper rebuttal, but Pyr was faster:

"Neither she, nor anybody else invited us anywhere. We came seeking missing people. There's a string of weird events all over the world. People are killed by strange animals never seen before. International organizations like Interpol—" he decided not to mention X-COM yet "—investigate them. If everybody's alive here, we'd be happy to close the case and be done with it."

He didn't promise to leave them alone. Even if this place stays secret, the X-COM science team would be glad to drop everything and study them 24/7. If it's revealed to the rest of the world... He would not envy the locals. But if they don't realize that, let them stay ignorant a little longer.

"Now," continued Pyr, "what is your full name? I don't recall seeing your photos, and the list mentioned no missing Steves." Both agents produced notepads and pens.

"Just Steve," the man said through teeth. Only the presence of the pony seemed to stop him from saying something rude and leaving. Or attacking the agents. The latter would've been preferable, since it would've given a chance to restrain and threaten him. "For an e-fit add a foot of dirty hair and ten pounds of dirt. Get out your photorobots and try it. Would you recognize me then?"

"Did I hear correctly that your surname is 'Just'?" Kamran tried to defuse the situation with his 'idiot mode'. "How do you spell it? D-G-A-S-S-T?"

Twilight giggled. Even Steve smiled.

"I've seen worse mistakes when I was learning English," Kamran added with mock seriousness, making Steve chuckle.

"Anyway, call me Steve, without surnames," he said in a warmer tone. "It's no surprise I'm not on your list. Nobody cared about me. And those who did, would want me dead. Do you want to hear it?"

"Yes, we do." Kamran did want to pump him for information, but there were more pressing tasks. "But we are looking for Starlight Glimmer and the forester she brought. Have you seen them?"

"Sure, did. She and Ethan went to the marketplace. I'll show you, I've got a day off..."

There wasn't anything unusual in his sad story. Really. High school dropout, never could keep one job longer than a month or two, started drinking (Pyr suspected Steve told the story out of sequence), became a bum, lived off dumpsters. Then he got a feeling that some "evildoers" were out to get him, decided to live in the woods, camped in this cave and one night fell out of the sky into Ponyville. To his great surprise the locals didn't leave him to die, but instead brought him to the hospital and even washed him! (That surprised him the most.) Healing magic proved very effective, and he could walk the next day. Ponies were cautious about the world beyond the portal ("dingy world" as they called it), but let him invite other people, and even helped build a platform for easier access.

These days Steve was working as a handyman for some construction crew and occasionally returned to Earth to invite more of his down-on-their-luck acquaintances. He even cleaned the cave to give better first impression. The people he invited were "the worthy ones, who need it". In other words, losers like him, whom he wanted to give a second chance in life, because they didn't treat him like dirt. Most refused, but those, who made it to Ponyville, stayed.

🚶⏳👋

Magic Susceptibility of Humans — Addendum
The humans that accepted Steve's invitation may not be a representative selection. Pyroxiline and Kamran proved unaffected by songs, yet absorb language as quickly as the rest. I haven't got the chance to try other spells on them yet.

Author's Note

The episode being revised started growing like a snowball. I hope I can finish it by the end of the week.

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Janitor and Party (December 15, 1996)

🚶⏳👋

They were walking the empty streets of Ponyville. Occasional passers-by — mainly colourful ponies — wished good morning to Twilight and Steve. And the agents too. Pyr couldn't decide if he should listen to his paranoia or quell it. The town was suspiciously clean. The inhabitants were suspiciously friendly...

The second human they met was a lanky teenager washing windows of a two-storey house from a ladder. Kamran noted the lack of safety harness.

"That's our Lean John. I mean John Kellogg," Steve explained. "John, could you come down talk to these suits?"

"Who?" John replied turning around.

Yes, the guy matched one of the photos they saw. John Kellogg, gas station attendant.

"Your parents reported you missing," Pyr started. "We are investigating—"

"Here I am, alive and well!" John interrupted him. "Now you may go back and tell them to stuff it! And stop wasting your time." He took a breath and continued calmer: "And I'd really appreciate, if you don't tell them how to get to Ponyville."

"Don't worry about that. This portal is likely to be classified and cordoned," Pyr assured him.

"Thanks," John said climbing down.

"Troubles with parents?" Pyr inquired with a hint of sympathy.

"Like you won't believe. I'm old enough to live on my own. I do live on my own. But they insist on visiting me daily to tell me how much of a failure I am. Most employers don't appreciate it. I don't want to lose this janitorial job too."

"Aren't you a bit too young to live on your own?" Pyr asked.

John laughed.

"That's the best part. I'm almost thirty, I just look young."

Yes, Pyr recalled the file saying twenty-something.

"If it becomes necessary, will you testify under oath that you came here voluntarily and are staying here voluntarily?"

"No problem. I mean, I did leave without warning and didn't appear at work, but they were going to fire me anyway. So when Steve came out of the blue and suggested to move to a nearby town where my troubles won't follow me, I didn't hesitate. I didn't remember giving him a dollar last year, but he did. Where do I sign?"

"Not now. Maybe tomorrow," Pyr said.

"You'd better hurry then," John said. "I'm not going anywhere, but Rick and Dick are leaving today and won't be back until after tomorrow."

"They work on a night train to Manehattan," Twilight explained. "Jill too. But it leaves in the evening, so no need to hurry."

Pyr was going to ask if Manehattan was something like New York, but suddenly got entangled in a pink blur together with Kamran. Fortunately, the agents did not start shooting immediately.

The blur resolved to a pink pony with a poofy mane not unlike what Discord demonstrated. She wrapped her forelegs around the agents' shoulders, then buried her face in Pyr's chest (probably because it was closer) and said tearfully:

"I really want to be you friend. And to give you the welcome party you deserve. I'm so sorry, I can't!"

And she darted away, leaving Pyr's shirt wet with tears.

"What was that?" Pyr and Kamran said in chorus.

"Pinkie Pie," replied John.

"Being Pinkie," Steve added with a chuckle. "She runs a bakery. Gives welcome parties to every new arrival. Looks like the party she prepares for you isn't up to her standards. Don't worry, you'll enjoy it anyway."

"I apologize for that," said Twilight. "Pinkie can occasionally foresee the future. I guess she saw something wrong with the party."

"Ah, foresight." Pyr didn't know what to do: pretend uninterested, or pump all the info on foresight they could get. Kamran clearly had picked 'uninterested'. Lucky him, to have such control over his face. "She probably foresaw that we are in a hurry and won't be able to stay."

"M-maybe..." Twilight wasn't convinced. "She never reacted as strongly."

Pyr would've enjoyed a detour to solve this mystery as well, but they did need to hurry. For once things were looking up. The aliens proved non-hostile, the wonders weren't lethal, the missing people started to show up alive... In the last missions he felt like a forensic pathologist, observing the aftermath of tragedies. Bringing good news would be a welcome change. And hurry — if they go missing too long, SC may lose patience and start combing the area with heavy weapons.

🚶⏳🤑

Monster Hunt Gone Sideways: Marketplace (December 15, 1996)

🚶⏳🤑

The marketplace was already crowded despite the early hour. Ponies (as well as donkeys... and cows... and were those pigs customers, goods or strays?) didn't pay much heed to humans. Probably got used to them. There were quite a few purple ones, but Steve said Starlight wasn't there.

"Any idea where could they have gone?" inquired Pyr. "Should we start asking the merchants?"

"No need," said Twilight. "I'm pretty sure they dropped by Applejack."

"You just want her apples," Steve said with a smirk.

"So what if I do? Apples grow the best apples in Equestria. Starlight would definitely pick some."

"Twilight, I think the translation malfunctions," Pyr started with doubt. "I heard that 'apples grow apples'."

"Don't worry, it's their family name," Steve replied dismissively. "Apple farmers, everything about their lives is apples. How would one of them become a friend of the princess here is beyond me. But it is so, she even tutors their youngest filly." He chuckled. "A load of trouble, but fun. As for asking merchants, I'd start with Connor. Much closer."

"No wonder you got off the wrong hoof with Apples. They take pride being hard-working, and you are so defiantly lazy—"

"Hard work kills ponies, as they say," Steve cut her off with a polite smile.

"You are the only one who says that," Twilight accused him.

This was obviously a conversation repeated many times over. And it was going to last long...

"Can't we visit both?" Pyr raised his voice.

"Of course!" Twilight lit up. "Wait for me at Connor's booth." And she disappeared without any sound effects.

"That's teleportation," Steve explained seeing the agents' amazement. "Every unicorn can do that. She says it's nothing like the portal to Earth. To me it's all Greek. Just don't tell Dick I said that."

The agents had no time to ask what did Dick have to do with that, because they arrived. One vegetable stall was occupied by a fat young man with a sizeable brown beard. He could work as a Santa if he bleached it. Connor Nash, 20-something, cashier at Target (the word 'Target' was circled and surrounded with question marks), reported missing by his flatmate.

"Hi! This is Connor, the jolliest vegetable salesman in town. Connor, these are Pyr and Camorran—"

"Kamran!" Pyr corrected. Kamran just shook his head.

"—from Interpol. They want to see Starlight and the new guy she brought. Have you seen them?"

"Starlight? What did she get herself into this time?"

Pyr made a mental note to find out about previous times. Someday.

"Actually, we are investigating your alleged death," he said. "Among other things."

"My death?"

"You didn't come home from a trip. Next day your friend Mike called the police," said Kamran.

"But I sent him a letter! Take the money in my room, put my things in storage, I'll pick them later. Tell the boss I tell him to fuck off, if he's got the guts. I mean if Mike has the guts. Spike said the letter got delivered. I invited Mike here too."

"Spike?" The name was familiar.

"Twilight's dragon. Has some magic to send letters all over the world. This world, at least," explained Steve.

"All right, mister Nash. Since you are alive and well, will you testify under oath that you are staying here willingly?"

"I think you should explain me my rights before that."

"Just answer 'yes' or 'no'." Pyr was starting to lose patience. "It's not legally binding."

"If you say 'yes'," Kamran cut in, "next time we'll bring an American lawyer to take your testimony. Or maybe just close the case and skip the legal swamp. If 'no'... We'll relay your answer and again be done with it."

"Aaaah, then of course yes. I like it here. The air is clean, the vegetables are real, not some plastic GMO crap, the boss remembers my name, pays enough to rent a whole cottage... If you see Mike, tell him..." Connor paused, deep in thought. "Nah, I'll just go there next week and settle things up. So, you were asking about Starlight Glimmer, right?"

"Was she here today?" asked Pyr.

"Was she alone?" asked Kamran at the same time.

"She brought another guy. Was showing him around. Ethan or something like that. Bought some plums and went to school. Said she wanted to get there before classes start."

"School?" asked Steve. "Which one? And why?"

"No idea. If you ask me, I got the impression Starlight wants to show him how humans are faring here."

Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere. Four apples were floating next to her.

"Applejack says they went to Ponyville Elementary," she declared. "She didn't ask why."

"Do you know where does Mia work today?" Steve asked.

"Sweetie said she teaches math in Elementary," Twilight said thoughtfully. "Of course, they'd want to see Mia! We still have time to catch her before classes."

Three apples floated to humans.

"Best apples in Equestria," Twilight declared. "My treat. With best regards from Applejack. Come on, we don't want to interrupt a lesson." She led the way.

The agents followed, eyeing the apples suspiciously.

"Do you think it's safe?" asked Pyr quietly.

"If they wanted us dead, they'd have done it when those pink snakes blinded us," replied Kamran. A bit too firmly, trying to persuade himself too.

"Don't worry, the apples are fine for us," said Steve. "Even for my teeth. Avoid the flowers and grass, and you'll be fine."

The apples proved excellent, just the right balance of sweet and sour and of soft and crispy.

⌚🍎⏳🚶⌛

Author's Note

Comments? Suggestions? Questions? I'm glad to answer any.