My Little Pony: Friendship is Epic

by Sollace

Rating: teen
Tags: Tirek, Comedy, Random, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1119

Tirek makes his return from the depths of Tartarus to exact revenge on Twilight (the mare) Sparkle.

Tirek returns from the depths of Tartarus to exact his revenge on Twilight (the mare) Sparkle.

Warning: Contains Twilight Sparkle (and nuts).

Written in roughly 2 hours. Celestia, help me.

A big thank you to Shardikku for help with editing and advice. Celestia, help him.

Published 2018-02-02 15:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-02 15:30:07 UTC

Well, nuts

‘Twas a beautiful day in Ponyville, the birds were singing, the clouds were fluffing, Rainbow Dash was sleeping and Twilight Sparkle, well, she was Twilight Sparkling.

“This book is amazing!” Twilight proudly proclaimed, flexing her wing muscles as she promptly read the hundred-and-thirteen pages. She tossed the empty husk over her shoulder, where the book exploded into a ball of flames, singeing everything within its reach except, that is, for Twilight Sparkle herself. “Spike,” she shouted, and turned to her right, “Another!”

Spike ‘Fax Machine’ The Dragon saluted, and shouted back, from his perch no more than three inches to Twilight’s right. “Yes, ma’am!” He waddled from his seat, then slithered across the room to grab another tome from the bookshelf. He deposited it before Twilight’s mighty muzzle. “Here you go, ma’am!”

“Thank you, Spike!” Twilight shouted. She went muzzle deep and began consuming the words. “This book will be delicious!”

Spike saluted once more, and then promptly disappeared from existence.

Twilight resumed her reading. She had just begun chewing on the index pages, when the castle was suddenly shook by a thunderous roar. It echoed through the crystal walls with the force of an approaching freight train, and pummelled Twilight Sparkle’s senses.

“TWIIIILIIIIGHT SPAARKLE!”

The princess immediately recognised the owner and, true to her form, she made no move from her spot.

The ground shook. The outside world rattled and shattered with the hoof falls of a gargantuan goliath. The front walls of the library imploded, narrowly missing Twilight with a barrage of falling debris and deadly shards of razor sharp diamond studs. If Spike still existed, he would have surely perished.

“I RETURN!” Tirek, the great, straight from the depths of Tartarus—and of course by Tartarus we mean the D.M.V—emerged from the Tirek-shaped hole he just dug through the wall. He flexed his muscles, and flashed his freshly obtained driver’s license. “IT IS TIME FOR MY REVENGE ON YOU”—He gestured to Twilight with his free hand, the veins in his neck bulging as he screamed with the fury of a thousand lost hours—“Twilight Sparkle!”

Twilight Sparkle huffed, the flames from her nose utterly destroying the half-eaten book in front of her. Without a single word, she set down the charred coals of her meal, and calmly rose.

The shockwaves of her standing shattered windows and eardrums alike for miles around.

“You and what army, she said,” Twilight Sparkle said. She crossed her hooves, and put on a smug smile.

Tirek snarled. “You fool!” he shouted, and crossed his arms in an objectively more smug gesture—as if anything could be more smug than Twilight Sparkle on a smug day, which this was, by the way. “In the time it took for you to cross your hooves, I have only become more powerful!”

Tirek’s body began to glow in ultraviolet, a light that, of course, the violet princess Princess Twilight Sparkle alone could see, although many did not believe this. They rather chose to claim the title a mere misspelling of the word ‘violent’. It is also worth mentioning that Princess Cadance can observed ultrapink, Luna sees ultradark, and Princess Celestia can see ultrathicc.

“Every second that passes,” Tirek said, “I absorb the powers of every pony that is and could have been, and it’s all thanks to the Horcrux of Time.”

As Tirek pointed to his driver’s licence, Twilight frowned a bit. “Bullshit.”

“It’s true!” He held the licence higher, insistently pointing to it with a muscle finger, and glowing now in visible violet light. “I have spent millennia in the D.M.V pouring time and energy into producing this thing. It would take an enormous effort not to create a Horcrux this way.”

Twilight’s mouth turned up into a smug grin. Imitating Applejack, she grew a pair of eyebrows purely for the purpose of looking smugger. She silently wondered if it was possible to look too smug, but shrugged it off and obliterated the very concept, for the absurdity that it was. “What do you intend to do with that Horcrux then, Tirek?” she said, oozing with smugness.

Tirek stepped further into the destroyed library, crushing the indestructible marble stone floor beneath his foot-long foot. “I’m going to destroy you,” he growled, gritting his teeth as he leered over the alicorn princess. “I will mangle your bones, turn you feathers to dust, and then I will do the same to all of your friends and enemies.” Tirek was already red, but he still managed to turn red with rage.

Twilight sat back into her seat, unfazed by the walls of rippling oceans of muscle hanging over her mighty head. She leaned back in her seat, and crossed her hind legs across the table, somehow achieving a smugger reality than ever before. “Perhaps a wager?”

Tirek frowned. “What...” He glanced across the destroyed library in search of any signs of betrayal, to which he found nothing—except for maybe Starlight and Trixie, ants cowering in a box. At least he hoped they were cowering. It was doubtful a cardboard box would be good for anything but cowering. “What kind of wager?”

“A friendly one,” she said, “If I win, you go back to Tartarus—the real Tartarus—and get to live happily ever after.

“And if I win?”

Twilight grimaced at Tirek’s interruption, but continued regardless. “If you win, I will spend a day at the D.M.V.”

“Even I would not wish the punishment of the D.M.V upon my worst enemies.”

“Fine.” Rolling her eyes, Twilight corrected with a mighty thrust of her hoof. “If you win, I will surrender all of Equestria, myself, and the Princesses to your control.”

Tirek’s brow creased in thought. He spent several days considering this.

Through the night, Twilight huddled beneath the blanket and shared hot chocolate with her—totally platonic in every way—marefriends. During the day, she went to the beach, solved a few friendship problems, and was overall completely awesome.

On Friday, Tirek finally made up his mind. He nodded— “I agree.”—and slammed a fist into the table, obliterating it.

Twilight discarded her sunglasses and beach towel, and then took her place reclining in the disintegrated remains of her old desk. “Perfect.” She gestured to the piles of sawdust. “I was about to suggest a friendly hoof-wrestle, but it appears that you have destroyed my only working surface.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No matter,” Twilight said, “I’ll just have to destroy you instead.”

“Wait wh—”

And she did.

It was a glorious battle spanning seven continents—including ones nopony knew existed—seven dimensions, and eight different species. Mountains were destroyed. Lives were lost. Romance was had, and at the end of it all Twilight Sparkle stood victorious with a mere clip on her right-most primary feather.