The morning sun filters through the many trees of Sweet Apple Acres, where you’re currently resting against the worn and weathered wheel of an old apple cart. Applejack would have your head on a barn door if she saw you “slacking off”, but you’ve been picking apples since sunrise, so she can politely go and drink some bleach if she has a problem with it. It’s not like you’re a disposable employee, after all. Your hands prove particularly useful at plucking the more stubborn apples, the ones that refuse to fall from bucking alone.

You snort. Bucking. Where you come from, that word has something of a double meaning. Your attempt to explain it over dinner the previous night was met only with looks of disdain from the Apples. Well, bar Apple Bloom. She just giggled, and winked. God only knows what she gets up to with those little friends of hers when they’re alone in that treehouse.

The relative silence of the orchard, broken only by the occasional chirp of a songbird, always sets your mind at ease. The relaxation was much needed, given the events that surrounding your arrival in Equestria. Your recollections are hazy at best. The one thing you know for sure is that returning home would be… difficult.

That’s all Celestia had had to say on the matter, anyway.

You’d countered with an acknowledgement; shoving your boot up her ass would also be “difficult,” but you’d gladly give it a go. She’d had a good chuckle at that, called her guards off from impaling you with their spears, then promptly sent you to the middle of buttfuck nowhere.

Now you work for Apple Horse. She's a fair boss. A bit blunt at times, but you admire her honesty. Speaking of Apple Horse, you can just make out the large frame of her brother galloping like shit off a stick through the trees.

“A plucky pegasus is proficient in peaking a pony’s posterior pleasure!” he bellows, with the articulate gracefulness of a town crier. You frown, watching as he gallops headlong into a tree.

“Did Apple Bloom and her friends put something in your cider again?” you mutter, more to yourself than the frantic farm pony. Being the more stoic type, Big Mac isn’t usually much of a talker.

Whilst such an impact to the skull would knock the average pony out cold, Big Mac merely bounces off the trunk, leaving quite a sizeable dent in the bark. You shake your head, getting to your feet and steadying the slightly dizzy stallion.

“Make it stahp!” he yells, nearly peppering your face with horse saliva.

Ugh. Gross. “Would you just calm down already? What happened?” you gingerly ask, taking a tactical step backwards out of the spray-zone.

The stallion’s head swivels in the direction he came from, he points a big red forehoof at a mare a little ways behind him. “SHE HAPPENED!” he growls, his irises shrinking to the size of pinheads. “She put a spell on me! It was awful. Ah feel awful. Ah’ve a sickeningly strong urge comment on anything and everything. That’s a mighty fine shirt you’re wearing.”

“Oh, thanks,” you reply, looking down at your plain grey work vest. It wasn’t much, but it’s always nice to get a compliment, after all.

“Your tatty mess of a mane thoroughly ruins the ensemble, however-”

“Now, hey-” you begin, self-consciously running a hand through your hair. It’s not your fault it spikes up at random angles when you’re working under the sun…

The gentle tinkling sound of unicorn magic intervenes, and Big Mac’s maw snaps shut. With a muffled “harumph” and a loud nicker, he shoots the new arrival a filthy look, before swiftly stomping away with an air of having been thoroughly offended.

His pursuer gives a dejected sigh, deftly pawing the ground in frustration. Her pristine coat, a pleasant shade of pink, shines with a light sheen of sweat from the chase. One of her large persian blue eyes is partly obscured by the fringe of her mane—a flowing mass of deepest purple, graced with a teal stripe running its entire length. Her tail, composed of the same palette, curls over her shapely rump as she looks at you, her eyelashes fluttering for a brief moment. In a word, this mare is hot. That much is not lost on even you. Of course—that must mean only one thing…

As if on cue, her eyes open wide, irises shrinking. A huge grin splits her muzzle. “Hello! Will you be my friend?”

You grin politely, trying to edge away from her as discreetly as humanly possible. It’s easy to tell this mare is a wild card. A loose cannon. Who knows what side of the Vicky Mendoza Diagonal she falls on? You certainly don’t. You’d rather not find out, either.

“Err… hi,” you begin, not really sure what to say. Her bright and happy gaze bores into your very soul.

She prances toward you, nuzzling her face into the palm of your hand, as though such an action is a completely normal thing to do. Whilst you had indeed gotten used to everypony’s seeming disregard for personal space, this is more than a little… forward. “You must be the human Twilight told me about,” she says.

“Hehe… yeah,” you chuckle, making a mental note to slap the alicorn with a quesadilla at the next opportune moment.

“Oh, but you’ll be perfect!” the mare exclaims, a small shower of teal sparks erupting from her horn, causing you to flinch. “So diverse. The Princesses will love you!” She trots around you in a circle, those large persian blue orbs devouring your form.

“Um… What?” you stammer. You have a uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach, and it ain’t last night’s apple cobbler.

“Sorry, where are my manners? I’m Starlight Glimmer,” she says, brushing her side against your thigh and gazing up at you with the crazy eyes.

The name is not entirely unfamiliar. You seem to recall Applejack mentioning this mare in passing a few times. Something about being a protege of Twilight’s? “Jack,” you say, awkwardly patting her on the back, more out of politeness than anything.

“Well, Jack,” she purrs, fluttering her long, spiky eyelashes once more, “would you like to accompany me to dinner with the princesses?”

You blink. Did she just invite you, a random stranger, to dinner? “I… um,” you begin, trying to figure out the best way to politely refuse. Unfortunately, her eyes shrink to the size of pinheads again. A tuft of her mane sticks out, and one of her ears starts twitching erratically.

If you had to guess, you’d say you weren’t the first to be invited by her today. A further assumption of yours is that one more rejection could turn her into a pastel pony pint-sized slasher.

“Why, yes, that sounds lovely,” you answer, before blanching in horror at your own words. Why would you say that? Of all the smart things to say at that moment, that was not one of them.

“That’s wonderful!” Starlight exclaims, her horn glowing in triumph. No, not just her horn—her whole body is enveloped in a shimmering teal aura. She floats up off the ground, capturing your torso with her hooves and nuzzling your chest. “Twilight will be so pleased that I finally made a new friend!”

“Heh… Yeah,” you say with a forced chuckle, gently patting the mare on the head and wondering what fresh hell awaits you.

* * *

You're wearing a tux. Yes, it wasn't enough that this crazy ass mare you just met dragged you into a dinner date with the Princess of Friendship and the all-powerful benevolent demi-god of the sun—she also made you sit through forty minutes of Rarity shoving her measuring tape where it had no business being.

The fashionista has her talents, but having only worked with ponies, the clothes she insists on making for you every now and again aren’t exactly perfect. It’s not that you don’t appreciate her efforts—you’d just prefer not to look like a high school prom reject.

“It’s wonderful that you decided to make friends with Jack! You have no idea how much I wanted to suggest it, but I wanted you to make your own friend, which you did!” Twilight spergs, her eyes shining like glimmering saucepan lids. Her gaze darts between the two of you like she wants nothing more than to force you both inside a Fedex box.

You silently cringe at her enthusiasm. You love her, but god, does she struggle with subtlety. Even the decor of the dining room could do with toning down a bit. The life-size unicorn ice-sculpture keeps staring at you expectantly for one, not to mention the huge hoof-stitched banners of Celestia and Starlight that go all the way up to the ceiling. Sure, it makes sense for Sunbutt, but Starlight’s crazy eyes enlarged in tapestry form kinda make your skin crawl.

“Oh, it was easy. We just click, y’know?” Starlight giggles, giving you a sultry wink. You blink, a frown darkening your features for a moment. Something about her mannerisms toward you suggests that this new “friendship” may not be entirely platonic.

“Well I, for one, am certainly glad at how well you’re progressing with your studies,” Celestia comments, her freakishly long horn illuminating as she takes a bite of her salad. You couldn’t take your eyes off it the first time you met her. Seriously, that thing could probably skewer a pig all the way through. Or a human.

You gulp down some apple juice from an ornate crystal goblet, avoiding Celestia’s gaze. Unfortunately, she notices.

“Are you enjoying this evening, Jack? When last we spoke, it was not for long. I feel I could have made a better impression,” she says, looking upon you with attentiveness.

You blink, taken aback by her concern. “What? No, no, it was fine. If anything, I could have, uhh… handled the situation a little better.” Yeah. Let’s go with that. Her royal guards had been itching to tear you a new one for calling their leader a “horse” when you’d first laid eyes on her. Apparently the term meant something akin to a street walker in Equestria.

“Well, in any case, let this night be a chance for us to redeem ourselves,” she declares, levitating her own crystal goblet in the air. You hold up yours, clinking the two together before taking a swig. Celestia smiles, taking a sip of her own drink before continuing. “I must say, I’m glad you befriended Starlight. She is a very gifted young mare.”

Your gaze finds the mare in question, sitting right by your side. She looked good when you met her, but she looks positively breathtaking now. She’s wearing a tiny teal dress made of silk, accented with just the right amount of silver lace as to not be lurid. It loosely covers her flanks and part of her tail, but is coat-tight around her midsection. Her mane appears silky and voluptuous, that unique fringe obscuring part of her face. A decorative silver filigree envelopes her horn, which glows with a magical aura the same colour as her dress.

She sees you looking at her and gives you a half lidded smile that simultaneously sends a chill down your spine and a rush of blood to your loins. Wait… What? You frown. The former reaction makes sense, but the latter is just confusing. You aren’t turned on by ponies. There must be something in the apple juice. Probably Twilight’s doing.

You stare at the Princess of Friendship. She smiles, chin resting on her forehooves as she stares right back at you and Starlight—through a set of major shipping goggles, by the looks of it. What did you do, you feathery little brainbox?

“Starlight, why don’t you show Jack your kite collection?” Twilight suggests, breaking the temporary lull in conversation.

You gasp involuntarily, and almost choke on a chunk of potato. She’s definitely up to something.

“That’s a great idea!” Starlight beams, her crazy eyes locking onto you in an instant. “Are you finished, Jack?”

You look down at the empty plate that was your vegetable salad. Your heart sinks. “Well, uhh…”

CRACK!

Before you can even enquire about dessert, the room implodes, air pressure spiking to unfathomable levels. Your vision blacks out, save for twinkling stars popping in and out of existence. You’re almost certain you can’t breathe. Less than a split second later, however, it’s over.

Starlight is standing right there in front of you, her eyes scanning your face. “What the fuck?” you all but yell, your breath shallow, one hand clutching your chest. Did you just teleport?

The dinner table is gone, along with the whole dining suite. You appear to have ended up in another room of the castle entirely, except this one is smaller, though has equally purple walls. You also notice you’re now sitting on a small wooden bed.

“Eh heh… sorry. Maybe I should have warned you,” Starlight mumbles, her grin sheepish.

“D’you think?” you gasp, you heart hammering a mile a minute. “Luna’s box! I thought you’d turned me into a pancake.”

This gets a chuckle from her. “No, but that’s actually quite a simple spell-”

“No!” you yell, pointing a finger at the unicorn. “I’ve seen more than enough horse magic today.”

Starlight lets out a small gasp, taking a step back. Her eyes widen, all traces of her crazy persona vanishing in an instant. “I’m not… a…”

You realise your mistake. “No, I didn’t mean whorse,” you begin, cursing yourself for forgetting the word’s interpretation in Equestria. Starlight doesn’t appear to be listening.

“You don’t like me at all, do you?” she squeaks, tears already causing her makeup to run.

“What? No… I mean, yes!” For all her quirks, she has a certain charm about her. You can’t help but wonder where the mare’s confidence has vanished to.

She sits on her haunches, dejected, her dress ruffled beneath her rump. “Why do I suck at making friends?”

“Look,” you say, sliding down to the floor. “You don’t suck at making friends. I’m still here, right?”

“Only because I teleported you here,” Starlight hiccoughs.

You smile. It’s as if all the crazy has morphed into cute. “Yeah, but I know how a door knob works.”

You think you catch the barest hint of a smile, but you can’t be sure. “I’m sorry for bringing you here tonight. I… I just wanted to show Twilight I’m really trying. She’s done so much for me these past few months, even though everypony has been telling her I’m not worth it-” she sobs, mascara stained tears running down her cheeks.

You blink, the recollection of a dinner conversation from a few moons ago surfacing to the forefront of your mind. “Brainwashed an entire town, she did, then nearly brought about the end of harmony as we know it through reckless manipulation of time. But Twahlight don’t care none. She says we gotta teach her the value of friendship.”

You push your thoughts aside. You don’t know the details, nor do you want to. If Twilight has faith in her student, then so do you. You trust the alicorn’s judgement, after all. “Starlight, come here,” you sigh, holding out your arms.

Starlight gives you a look of trepidation, as though trying to figure out if your intentions are sincere. Ultimately, she decides to trust you. Her horn flashes, and the dress she is wearing vanishes, along with her ruined makeup. Sitting down and leaning against your side, she lays her head on your shoulder. Without any conscious thought on your part, your arm snakes around her back, your fingers splaying in her silky coat.

“I don’t really like dresses,” the mare quietly says.

“I don’t really like tuxedos,” is your absent minded reply.

“Well, why don’t you take it off?” she asks, her big inquisitive eyes surveying you.

“Well, um…” you falter, realising she really has no idea of your preference to be clothed at all times in the presence of others. “I would, but the majority of humans aren’t exactly fans of being naked.”

“Huh…” she says, bringing a hoof to her chin. Her horn flashes, and a small bottle pops into existence in front of the two of you. “Would vodka help?” She grins, her eyes positively glimmering with mischief.

Author's Note

Sex happens next chapter.

Not that you didn't already know that.