So there I was. Canterlot Hearth’s Warming Ball, hundreds of the finest in Equestria wearing the finest that Equestria had to wear, eating the finest Equestria had to eat, talking about the finest subjects to the finest subjects with the finest opinions. Like a perfectly synchronized little clockwork dance of organic marionettes, engaged in the most refined, heartwarming debauchery of the year.
And there I was, tiny plastic pill bottle unscrewed, a single little white capsule staring up at me from the bottom of the bottle, and I realized, what, where did the other capsule go?
Oh, I realized. I already swallowed it.
It went in the water that Sunset Shimmer drank from the Royal Canterlot Bathroom Faucet, down into Sunset Shimmer’s gullet, to Sunset Shimmer’s stomach. That’s who I was, that’s what I was doing here, I was making sure that Sunset Shimmer wouldn’t have to feel alone, making sure that she took her medicine like she promised she would, one hit now and the next hit four hours from now, when the scene changed from the Canterlot Hearth’s Warming Ball to Pinkie Pie’s Hearth’s Warming Bash Ft. Vinyl Scratch, Octavia Melody, and about a dozen other different names that made no sense to Sunset Shimmer at all.
She. Me. I was Sunset Shimmer. I had to remember that. Couldn’t let myself get distracted, couldn’t let myself not remember my history, my identity, even though that was what I was trying to forget in the first place. Play it cool. Play it normal. You are Sunset Shimmer.
You.
Are-
“Sunset Shimmer?”
And there was the voice addressing her, like the softest police siren she had ever heard, an elegant pneumatic drill straight to her brain that cause Sunset - that caused me to turn around.
There was beautiful-
There was Rarity, beautiful as a winter nymph, all clad in the sort of silver that sparkled and the blue that subtly affected her mane, casting it as if it were a brilliant midnight sky. Or maybe that was the medicine talking. What was in that capsule, anyway?
“Sunset? Are you okay?”
Oh, crud. I needed to say something.
“Please, call me Sunny.”
Rarity bit her lip. “Dear, are you okay? You look, ah...stressed.”
“It’s a bit of an understatement.” The pill bottle in my hoof was warm as a fresh sunny-side-up egg, but I didn’t want to set it down for fear of drawing attention to it. “I wasn’t expecting to be invited here, really.”
“No? But Twilight’s been meaning to invite all of her friends here for ages. We haven’t been deliberately neglecting you, dear.”
“That might have been better, actually.” I set the pill bottle down on the ceramic sink ledge-
Why did I set it down again? Of course the beautiful starli- of course Rarity turned her head, of course she paid attention to it, of course of course of course that’s exactly what she would do. I needed to get her attention again.
“We’ve never properly met, have we? I mean, pony me and, ah...pony you.”
Rarity turned her head back to Sunset Shimmer. Success. “I don’t suppose we have, ah...Sunny?”
“Think about all the beautiful marionettes out there, then.”
“The what?”
“You know, the...the fancy ponies. The beautiful ones, with the really expensive, y’know. Everything. And think of you. And Twilight Sparkle, and all of your friends, and...you fit flawlessly, you know? Princesses with nobility and successful entrepreneurs and the big names with bigger names. It’s a cohesive unit, intricate, everything fits together like the best sort of clockwork. Uh. That’s where Marionettes came from, except not. You know what i mean, though, right? Clockwork dancers?”
It was a resounding distraction. Talk about nobility, talk about how fancy everypony looked, come up with a turn of phrase to pose as a question to get things convoluted and mixed up and focused on something else. It was a brilliant plan.
Wait, why was Rarity walking closer to me? What was that thing in her eyes?
“Dear. You fit in with the rest of us, too.”
Damn it!
“Rarity?” Sunset Shimmer said. “What time is it?”
Rarity chuckled. “I don’t know. I suppose the party’s been going on for a bit, hasn’t it?”
“Two and a half hours. One hundred and fifty minutes. I’ve watched the guest count double, treble, quadreble. I’ve danced with exactly two ponies who looked like they were operating more out of obligation than interest. I’ve had precisely two cucumber sandwich triangles, four drinks from the punch bowl and a square of fudge. And I’ve spent the entire rest of the time carefully watching…”
I probably shouldn’t tell her about the beautiful peacock wings that just spread from her back like gossamer rainbows built in fast-forward.
“...Those are beautiful wings, you know?”
Rarity looked fit to spit out a tuna. “Wait, what?”
“Sorry! Sorry, expression. I’m nervous. Really nervous. Not just that, but...you know.”
Man, Sunset Shimmer felt exhausted. Good exhausted? Bad exhausted? Hard to say. Like her body was an -
Like my body was this undammed river, carrying along a current of energy without ever actually feeling it.
Wait, why was Rarity looking at Sunset Shimmer’s pill bottle again? I thought she was over that.
“Dear - if you don’t mind me asking, what’s the medicine for?”
Damn
It
“Social Anxiety.” Sunset Shimmer replied. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Oh! I’m so sorry! Forget I asked.” Rarity’s eyes seemed to swell in their sockets. Sun- I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about her guilt. She shouldn’t have to share that.
“It’s because my eyes are a little dilated, isn’t it? Like, and by “a little” i mean “a lot,” really?”
“Well-”
“It’s okay. Zephyr said it might happen, but that it wasn’t exactly a bad side effect. They’ll go back to normal.”
Rarity curled her lip. I think that was an unhappy curl. I really didn’t want it to be an unhappy curl. I need to open my mouth again, reassure her-
“You don’t happen to be an artist, do you?”
“Of course I am. I play music. Guitar.” I sigh in relief. This is the sort of line of question I can answer relatively easily. “I don’t need drugs to help me with that.”
...crap.
Crappitycrapcrapcrap.
She knows. And I can tell that she knows, this beautiful snow nymph, the way that she quirks her eyebrow and half-pouts and the way the snow around her swirls like an unstable vortex of locusts, the way her wings are spreading and multiplying and shining with alabaster light.
“Sunset Shimmer.” The nymph said. “This is Sunset Shimmer I’m talking to, yes?”
“Yes! Yes, this is totally she.” I confirm.
“I need you to be one hundred percent honest with me, sweetie. Do you think that you can do that?”
“I can...try. I’m not sure it’s going to make sense to you.” I can feel my tail drooping. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m not quite sure what they call it on your side of the portal, but this isn’t the first time that I’ve met a passionate and creative pony who has...entered the sort of state you seem to be in now.”
“I promise.” I can hear the whine in Sunset Shimmer’s voice and I hate it. I hate me. “I promise this has nothing to do with trying to have a good time, Rarity. You have to believe me.”
“Then what? What is it about, sweetie?” Rarity snorted.
“I’m not a good pony, okay? I don’t belong here. I don’t belong here at all. And I know that if I let myself dwell on that, then I’m going to end up getting so miserable that I do something stupid and ruin the party for everyone. But I didn’t want to ruin Hearth’s Warming for everypony else by turning it down and making Twilight worry, so I just thought...I thought if there was a way that I could still be here, but things could be pleasant, then I wouldn’t cause a fuss by accident. Everypony could be happy, nopony would have to worry. Hearth’s Warming could be saved. I just needed…”
I fight back the urge to cry. I don’t trust my tears to not start screaming as they shatter against the floor.
“I needed to not mess everything up in Ponyville. Not again.”
The tiles of the Royal Canterlot Bathroom Floor are doing a curious job of spinning clockwise like a blender and remaining perfectly still at the same time. I need to watch them. I feel like if I try to look Rarity in the eyes, I’m gonna wind up throwing up, anyway.
Wait, whose hoof is that on my shoulder? Is it Rarity’s? What is it doing there?
“Of course you belong, dear. Everypony belongs.”
Sunset Shimmer shook her head. “What, in this place? This is supposed to be, like, perfectville. Everypony has a perfect life, perfect clothes, perfect families, everything. Perfect ponies. Rarity, this universe isn’t mine anymore.”
“Dear, the only reason Equestria has any value is because it accepts ponies who don’t feel perfect. I don’t feel like I should have to give you a spiel about the elements of harmony to-”
“Tell you how they fight off evil?”
“Tell you how they protect other ponies. Make them happy. Do you seriously feel like you’re the only pony that’s ever put anypony else in danger? The only pony that feels like they have no place in our country?”
“I…”
I decide to not tell her about how her gossamer wings have changed to beautiful, dovelike constructs. I’m pretty sure that’s symbolic for something, I dunno.
“We’ve all done things we’ve regretted, dear. But the point of this dance is to forget all of that - at least for a while. We deserve to be happy. If nothing else…”
Rarity’s smile could have melted a diamond. I could practically feel the rainbow in my heart, and if I had fingers at this point, I would have crossed them and hoped that the glow wouldn’t have irritated her porcelain eyes.
“I think you deserve to be happy, dear. Just think of this party as a family get-together, okay? Think of us as family.”
…
Sunset Shimmer nodded. I nodded. But...but that’s okay, I think. Rarity understands.
Her understanding horn glows, and the unscrewed bottle screws itself back in. Her understanding hoof reaches up, touches my less-than-understanding hoof, ignores how the texture’s started to go a bit paisley.
“Won’t you come dance with me? I’m sure that you’ll have more fun with a third dance than with the first two.”
She’s right, and it’s so compelling to marvel at how right her sentence was that I don’t even notice that she’s dragged me outside the bathroom until i’m on the outside. And there I am, marvelling at the surreal beauty of the stunning lights and thrilling music and otherworldly atmosphere of pure harmony that it takes me a little bit to notice, takes me until Rarity’s pulled me back onto the ballroom floor:
The lights, the music...the prettiness they have. I’m not imagining any of that. Not hallucinating any of it at all. It’s been there, was there, and I didn’t need help in seeing any of it.
Not the kind I was thinking of, anyway.
