Anon Wants to Die

by Ebola-chan Ganbatte

Rating: teen
Tags: Anon, Second Person, Comedy, Suicide / Self Harm, Profanity, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Death, Human
Length: 2303

You are Anon and you want to die.

Your life in Equestria sucks and you really just want to kill yourself.

Written for Aragon's Comedy (Is Serious Business) contest

Published 2018-02-03 18:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-03 18:00:07 UTC

Because Life Sucks

Equestria was dumb.

You knew it. Everyone else should probably know it too.

Hell, you were sick of it. After three years living in what constituted squalor for Ponyville, you simply couldn’t take it anymore. Every single day was always the same exact experience, and that monotony long since dulled any emotion your beaten soul could muster. You were sick of the fresh country air, the rolling, unspoiled grassy hills, the rustic homes, being told how to feel, and don’t even get you started on that thirty story crystal abomination that sprouted up one day. So, for the one-thousandth one-hundred seventy-fourth time, you woke up.

Yeah, you were counting. After a week and a hard pinch, you realized being here wasn’t a dream.

And your day started just as it had always, at least since Twilight’s new castle grew into town, with a searing bright light scorching your retinas through the window across from your bed. You covered them with your forearm, but it was too late. A dull ache already poked the back of your eye sockets like a rusty icepick, burrowing its way deep into your skull.

So, in other words, a pleasant way to wake up.

Well, you were awake. So with eye pain and a headache starting, you climbed out of bed. As soon as you stood up, you smacked your head on a support beam, kicking your headache into overdrive. A low groan escaped your lips as your shuffled out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, ducking through the doorway as you did.

Too many konks on that, after the beam you always seemed to forget about, made you wise up. After all, it was too much excitement to start the day.

In the kitchen, you bent down to the slightly higher than knee height counter and started a pot of coffee. Looking out from the kitchen was a single couch and coffee table, both too small for you, and a front door you’d have to duck to get out of. With a deep breath, you reached for a coffee cup, more like a double shot glass than a mug, and lamented the day ahead of you.

And it always went as follows:

Always when leaving your house, you’d inevitably see Pinkie Pie who’d ask you the same stupid question, “Morning, anon! How’s the weather up there?” as she’d snort and skip, hop, or whatever it was she did, off to her morning errands. Then you’d end up in the town square, sitting and waiting for whatever smiling pony who happened by to ask for your help—the local handy human with the height and hands of a superhero—who’d toss a few bits—Equestria’s nonsensical monopoly money that as far as you could tell had a completely arbitrary value since a single cherry could cost as much as a book—your way to hang a picture or something. Rinse, repeat, and slowly die inside before Twilight, Starlight, or Applejack would show up, ask you how you’re doing today. They’d make a token effort to make you fit in. Maybe you’d be invited to a party where you’d talk to ponies about pony things or maybe you’d go on an adventure and find a lost puppy for some helpless jagoff. Then you’d bump into Rainbow or Fluttershy, the former who’d always have a quip and the latter who’d just smile politely until you’d excuse yourself. And by the time that was over the sun would be setting and you’d be heading home where you’d sit in your small living room, staring at a wall until finally ready for bed. Though all that was punctuated by the multiple instances of food poisoning throughout the day because health and safety were laughable in a world where mouths and hooves were the primary appendages used for cooking.

Being you was just the best.

Why? Because you’re a sideshow. What in Equestria is like you? You were freakishly tall, had all the magical power of a blade of grass, couldn’t fly, cast magic, make plants grow immediately, and anything unique you thought you could do ponies could do easier. And with Equestria’s technology level, you couldn’t even let your “superior” human brain shine.

Seriously, you thought fapping on the internet all day and watching top ten lists on YouTube or posting memes gave you an edge in a medieval level society? You learned quickly when you had to wipe your ass with corn husks that you weren’t prepared for this.

Lucky for you ponies were nice, which also got old. Fake smiles and pity money wore quick and seeing Twilight, Starlight, or Rarity use their magic to do pretty much everything you could do with your hands, but from infinitely farther away struck the last cord.

You didn’t belong in Equestria.

The constant wangs to the head every morning was a perfect reminder of that. After three years being the town’s mentally handicapped friend they didn’t like to exclude, you knew going home wasn’t possible. Twilight tried once. She just teleported you out of the library to a short fall and a fractured hip. After a month in the hospital, she tried taking you to Celestia and Luna for help, too, but those two were too busy to even see you. Shmoozing with the Canterlot upper crust and sleeping all day was apparently “too important” to reschedule for a creature from another world visiting them.

Maybe it was staring out at your crappy living room, thinking about your shitty life, or too many wangs to the head, but not being alive was sounding better and better with each passing moment. Hell if you knew which, but fuck it. Why bother? It was time to pack it in. Who wants to live in a world where everyone who looks at you knows you’ll never fit in, but are too polite and let you be? Not you. Not for any longer.

When you left your house that particular morning, Pinkie waved her hoof to get your attention, but you didn’t even look at her. You left her staring confused in your dust and went straight to the hardware store. They called it Hammers and Haberdashery, but fuck that. It was a hardware store—why can’t ponies just call things what they are?

Rainbow Dash swooped in and hovered right in your path.

“Hey, Anon! What’s your deal today?” She glared at you as you barreled right for her. “I’m talking to you, ya big ape!” As if she wasn’t even there, you plowed right through Rainbow, flicking her off to the side and leaving her on the ground. Before she could even get up, you flipped her the bird and continued on into the store, leaving the mare speechless.

You grabbed a rope and on your way out you left your payment, a single middle finger pointed right at the shopkeep. You made eye contact, too, because you wanted him to know what you were doing. Stealing. And there wasn’t a damn thing he could do about it. You knew there wasn’t because you hadn’t seen a single cop in Ponyville since you came to this dirt speck of a town.

When you got outside, you went to the first tree you saw. It had a swing hanging from its branches, and the road was traveled. Ponies could see you tying the rope around your neck, and you made sure to lock eyes with each one that dared to stare. After making a rough noose—because hell if you knew how to tie an actual noose knot—you swung the tail over the branch and used the swing as a stepping stool. With a knot tied on the branch, you turned to the ponies looking on eye wide eyes. You were still their sideshow.

You flipped them off too.

Then, abruptly, you kicked the swing out and fell a short distance before the rope drew tight. You choked. It was working. At long last, you were finally going to be free of this hell. But then something happened. You heard a loud snap and you fell further. Then a thud. You were on the ground. You looked at the rope, and it had snapped under your weight.

Another painful reminder that nothing in this world was made for you.

You couldn’t even kill yourself because ponies couldn't make crap properly. The headache grew worse when you hit the ground. This wasn’t going to stand—or hang, rather. You looked up and flipped the ponies off once more.

Ponies wouldn’t stand in your way again.

You rushed right over to Twilight’s castle. That dumb nerd horse was the reason you were still here, so she was going to help you not be here anymore. So you kicked in the door to her castle library after letting yourself in through a window, drawing wide eyes from the mare.

“Anon?”

You simply pointed at the rope around your neck.

“What happened?” Starlight asked, stepping around from the table with Twilight. As she approached, she reached her stubby horse leg up, but the rope was too high for her to grab. “Did someone do this to you?”

You shook your head and tugged the rope yourself until you let out a choking noise.

Twilight’s eyes went wide again. With a stupidly bright flash, almost as bright as the morning sun reflecting off this stupid castle, she appeared in front of you. “You… Did you try to kill yourself?”

You nodded.

Starlight covered her mouth. “Why?”

Twilight placed her hoof on your knee. “We’ll get you some help, okay?”

The mention of help brought back mental pictures of fake smiles and pity. Hell no. You shook your head again, pointed at Twilight, then yourself, and then dragged your thumb across your neck.

“Wait, what?” Twilight and Starlight both took a step back. “You want me to kill you?”

You nod. You’d have said it, but your jaw was too firmly clenched by this point in a seething rage.

“I-I can’t…” Twilight cringed and averted her gaze.

Just then, Starlight leaned over and whispered into Twilight’s ear. Just because you didn’t have big floppy pony ears they assumed you couldn’t hear crap. Unlucky for them, though, you managed to hear what Starlight was saying.

“Should we play along and call the guards or a shrink?”

You walked up and smacked Starlight upside her head.

She glared at you, but you just tugged at the rope some more.

After a moment, Starlight nodded. “Actually, I think I get it…”

You and Twilight both raised an eyebrow.

“Anon doesn’t belong here.”

“That’s no reason for Anon to die!” Twilight smacked her forehead with a hoof.

“Think about it, Twilight. Anon’s home is different from ours. Anon misses it, and can’t get back.” She frowned as she looked you from head to toe. “I know I’d be depressed stuck in a world I don’t belong in.”

“So, what? We just kill Anon?”

You then smacked Twilight upside the head so the princess would look at you. Once you had her attention, you nodded vigorously, tugging the rope the whole while.

“I-I can’t do this…” Twilight tried to turn her back, but Starlight grabbed her shoulder before the alicorn could move.

“Twilight,” Starlight began, “we have to help. Anon wants us to help with its assisted suicide.”

Twilight looked at you once more. You clasped your hands together, literally begging the princess to grant your one wish.

“We should be honored Anon trusts us enough to ask.” The unicorn turned to you and smiled. “It’s the humane thing to do.” She winked.

Stupid Starlight still didn’t even know if you were a man or woman. She told you once all humans looked the same—despite you literally being the only one she had ever seen. She just didn’t want to put the effort into learning what she deed useless information, so fuck her for that, but who cared at this point. They were going to kill you since Equestria was apparently childproof with its feeble rope.

Twilight took a deep breath. “Alright. We’ll kill you, Anon. Or rather, help you kill yourself.”

Just then Twilight and Starlight’s horns glowed. You left the ground, carried into the air by their magic. A small smile cracked on your face as you closed your eyes. Finally, this depressing hell you’ve been stuck in for the last three years was coming to an end. No more ponies, no more suffocating happiness, and no more being told how to feel.

Just then the rope drew tight, and in a brilliant flash, nothing.

Twilight, with her magic, crushed your body down into tightly compact meat cube as your head exploded with a bright blue flash from Starlight. The same blue aura formed a bubble around the explosion catching all the gooey gore bits before setting the mess down on the neatly compacted meat cube.

“That’ll be a pain to clean up,” Starlight muttered.

“You know, Starlight?” Twilight said, turning to the unicorn. “A mess it may be, but at least we learned something today.” Twilight took a short breath and nodded at your cubed remains. “Humans are a lot like pomegranates.”

There was a long pause as Starlight’s eyes bounced between your body and Twilight. “How’s that?” She raised an eyebrow, bringing a hoof to her chin.

“Both are tough on the outside and filled with useless, red, chunky goo on the inside.” Twilight chuckled, and soon Starlight joined her. After the two chuckled for a few more seconds, Twilight stopped. “That was fun. We had fun.” She broke into a smile as an uncomfortable silence filled the room. “Is it weird I’m not as fazed by this as I think I should be?”

Starlight shook her head. “Not at all. Humans aren’t ponies.”