Connect Fur

by Fatail

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash (EqG), Spike, Comedy, Equestria Girls, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Profanity, Random
Length: 1843

Rainbow Dash wants to plug in a TV, Twilight wants to watch a movie, Spike just wants to leave. Pinkie Pie is not in this story.

A painstakingly practiced and ancient, centuries-old secret art- of plugging in a TV. Each and every time it is a journey full of unexpected twists of fate.

Where is the manual?

Why was it in a few languages, but not yours?

Despite having at most two slots in there, why do you suddenly have eight different cables?

What is the purpose of that little plastic gimmick you found, since it doesn't fit anywhere?

And just what in the nine circles of hell is a male socket?

=======================================
Btw, if someone knows the artist behind the cover, please, do tell.
I would like to congratulate them on their taste in humor personally.

Published 2019-04-20 13:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2019-04-20 13:00:01 UTC

The one that has a dinngle.

“Oh! Come on!” Rainbow Dash whined excessively loud. “That's not supposed to be that hard!”

As Spike was now in his, at least by pony standard, teenage years, he would chuckle in the light of fully unintentional sexual innuendo like any proper teenager and say "That's what she said!", he really would. If he wasn't sitting here motionlessly for the past half an hour, of course. As a dog to make it an even greater insult to his barely existent pride. All he saw was nothing and nothing he smelled wasn't anything he could touch. Simply speaking, he was in the most horrible place for any known creature- Behind furniture in the Rainbow Dash's household. Truly horrifying and forever scarring experience. Yet, such is the price for properly laid out cable-work.

“Well, you said it yourself, this TV is at least twenty years old. That counts as outdated technology, right?” Twilight Sparkle -The Princess™- inquired out of her prismatic friend. Well, hers prismatic friend's genetically identical counterpart. Except that she wasn't a horse. Did you know that humans share at least 60% of the same genetic information with a common banana?

“Hell yeah, it does. But it's supposed to be outdated, not from a different planet altogether!”

Now, there was something that just wasn't right with violet neurotic. “Well, your people build it. So you people should know how it works. It's only logical.”

“What do you mean "You people"?”

“And why are we doing any of this crud anyway? Don't you have any other television in this whole house?” Twilight gestured emphatically at the entire household. Well, not THE entire household. There were walls in the way, actually.

“Listen purple smart, It's not my fault that the regular TV broke.” Rainbow Barf seemed kinda perturbed by the bold insinuation of her not having another TV. That she, in fact, did not have.

“Rainbow, you threw a controller at it.”

Objection! “Exactly. So as you clearly see, it's totally not my fault other gamers anger me. They-” Prism pointed with a random wire at empty air. “ -vex me.” Back at herself. “They're it the wrong.” Point proven. Case closed.

“Ugh, whatever.” With the theatric roll of the eyes, Twilight gave up. “Pass me the ..uhhhhu.. the one that looks like a loaf of bread with teeth...?”

A slight pause was in order. “Okay, I did not need that image, at all.” She started shuffling through a literal Mount Everest made out of copper and plastic. Also, some glass fiber. Health dose of good ol' regular iron, too. “And the hell is that even supposed to mean?”

Squinting at the scribbles on A5 page torn out of an old notebook, Twilight tried to discern the separate letters. “I think it starts with a V.. maybe...” She said, and tried, and also failed.

“VGA? You sure? Does it look any like this?” Jackson Pollock painting tried to balance the cable in question on display while shouting down from the Camp One situated at the foot of the mountain. ...What? I said it was literal.

“Yeah, I think that's the one,” Twilight said, trying to squint once again and once again utterly failing. Boy, did her eyesight got worse since coming through the portal.

Being done with the climbing down, for now, Rainbow tossed the pickax and rest of the harness aside. “Twilight, that's a monitor cable. Not TV one.”

Twilight flicked her head angrily in a neck roll. Oh no, she didn't! “So why is it even in here with the TV in the first place! Also, a monitor is not a display? Like... a TV is for example?”

The Gay responded with a swanky eye roll in kind. “I have lots of spare cables strewn about, okay? Look, are you the one with instruction or not?” She pointed out the crumpled sad piece of cellulose. Did you know that cellulose makes up for only roughly 50% of the wood content? Nature is fascinating.

“Yeah, instruction.” Insert your emphasis here. “Those crude pictures your dad drew are... okay, I'm not that mean, let's just settle for crude. So. Let's maybe try, oh I don't know, the actual instruction?” Stop with the emphasis, dammit.

“Nah.” Rainbow dismissed the ridiculous idea outright. “It's in Chineighse.”

Now, puns are one thing. “Is that supposed to be funny?” Species jokes are a different matter altogether.

“I don't know, you ask those quirky Asians yourself.” Blue Fast didn't pick up on the accusation.

“Wait,” The main character was given a pause. “That's a real language then?” She asked while setting the remote's spare pause button aside.

“I know, right?” Rainbow agreed with a knowing smirk and continued shuffling through their resources. “How they can talk scaffolding?” Wow. Okay, now that's.. that's racist..

When absolutely no one picked up what I was putting down and silence reigned for an uncomfortable while, the dumber of the pair figured it's best to give up and start over.

*Sigh* “Look, let's start from the very beginning. Do we have any male socket cable?”

“The hell's that?” Twilight asked in frustration. Rainbow just couldn't get that she's literally from another world, could she?

“A male socket?” Paint bucket asked hopefully. “You know... the one with the dinngle©?”

“The what?” The what?

Dr. Rainbow Danger Professionalism Dash, quick to explain. “You know, a dinngle©? The one that looks like a penis but it's not in fact a penis, it just looks like one?” Ph.D. in Internet Memes.

She also probably smokes crystal meth. No one is that fast without meth. She probably buys it from the pink one.

“Oh, you mean like a rod then?” Twilight picked up the topic, easily roped in by her own curiosity. Nothing more, no.

With that, Rainbow had to disagree. “No, the rod is technically flat at the ends. Dinngle© is more rounded and has one visible end.”

“What if you rounded the rod? Would that make it a dinngle©?” If the Ms. Doctor of Useless Pseudosciences was apparently so knowledgeable on the topic, Twilight was more than willing to drill this hole further. Metaphorically.

“Absolutely not. That would just make it a rotund rounded rod. Still not a dinngle©.” Rainbow dismissed her young padawan's reasoning. “It's a matter of heritage.”

“Guys, can I come out from behind the cupboard now?” The wind blew inside of the building. Somehow. “Guys?”

“Ugh, Pinkie is way better with stuff like this,” Rainbow whined even more excessively loud than in the first paragraph. “Why isn't she here, anywho?”

“Can you not read? She is NOT in this story. At all.” Somehow Twilight wouldn't put the inability to read past Rainbow's abilities. “Also, anywho is not a word,” She added angrily.

“So... why is she in the short promo?”

“So everyone knows she's not here, obviously.”

“Oh. Makes sense.”

“Okay, now you've made me kinda curious,” Twilight wasn't about to give up as she plugged random cables into mostly random places without looking. In a normal world, same color cables and sockets would go together, right? “What about the ones where parts stick out, but they also have holes in them and it kinda looks like a retarded duck?”

“Oh, you mean USB's.” Rainbow-Chad immediately recognized the description. “They just exist in four dimensions, is all. Or.. that's what the Internet told me.”

Twilight smiled. Finally, a chance to use her expertise.

“That would be called a Superposition.” She corrected her glasses. Wait, she wore glasses?

Now, Rainbow watched a lot of porn, obviously, but that one was something new. Which happened rarely. “What kind of position is that?”

“Super.”

“Super how?” She was genuinely curious, for the learning sake. Yes, learning. Nothing more, no.

Now, how to explain that? “Hmm, I guess it's a little bit like Schroedinger's Cat. It exists simultaneously in different states, where the cat must be observed in order for quantum mechanics to choose one state for our simple minds, likewise, The Superposition exists in contrasting states and, well.. positions, like the name would suggest. Looking both right and left at the same time or falling down and flying up at once, that sort of stuff. Unless Quantum Tunnelling is at work, but that's another case entirely, to which explaining I have no patience nor the blackboard.” She stopped to push her sagging glasses further up her nose. “Simplifying, the USB would both fit and wouldn't and that's like, multiple positions at once. Many at the same time, so... super.”

“Neat.”

“Guys, I think I'm actually stuck here.”

Finishing up the grueling job with an insert of the last cable, the demigod and one-seventh of the discount power rangers stepped back to gaze at their marvel of modern home engineering. “Okay, I think it's connected properly.”

“Then on, on with it!” Rainbow fidgeted for the remote and eagerly pushed the power button.

Only for the TV to display- "No connection. Plug in power cable... or something idk. I'm a TV, not a scientist. What do I know."

The crickets outside rubbed their tiny legs together, producing the purest crescendo of this long debacle. The symphony of failure.

“This is somehow your fault,” Twilight deadpanned.

“What?” Thunder cracker tossed the remote into the ether of her room, from where it would never emerge again. “How any of this is my fault?”

“We wouldn't do any of that at all if you didn't..” With a resounding sigh, the princess of the pastel pony land crouched with her face placed between the hands in a sign of infirmity. “I just wanted to watch a damn movie. You're just like the other Rainbow Dash.”

“Awesome?”

“Aw..fully like a tumor,” With the gaze harboring no joke she wondered. “I think you actually sapped some of my brain cells for yourself through this conversation.”

Well, maybe not sapped. That would mean that Rainbow now had more of them and considering that she ignored the whole comment on her intelligence since it wasn't positive, it wasn't very likely. “Oh, that's right! I forgot we have no cable in here, so we will have to plug in the DVD too.” She declared with a forgetful smile and punch of the palm.

Twilight got up, her anger already rising. “Will we have to connect the Blu-ray too? Or are you too poor for that one, miss "I forgot I have no cable in here"? Sn-ark protocol activated.

The retort flew. “Ho, piss off you literal horse!”

Accusing finger rose. “OH! Now, firstly FUC-”

“Someone kill me,” The muffled voice behind the cupboard pleaded.

And Pinkie wasn't there to do it.

.

Author's Note

Calling Rainbow simply The Gay that one time was mine best decision made this month.

References inside, for the lazy basement lords :

"What do you mean "You people" - Trophic Thunder reference.
"She said, and tried, and also failed." - Bill Wurtz reference.
Nature is fascinating - Fluttershy in-comic reference.
Chineighse - Well, not exactly a reference, but.. He he, funnyyyyyy. I'm so smurt.