Chapter 9: Circles

“This is my life, I will not run in circles, ending where I start…”

Applejack was greeted by an unusual sight when she approached the orchard. The baskets were already full, and a good portion of the orchard had already been bucked. She traced the sound of hooves on wood to a far corner of the orchard. “Braeburn? Up already?”

Braeburn grunted as his hooves made contact with the tree. Apples fell out and landed in baskets placed below. “Problem?”

“You’re never up this early, Brae. Somethin’ on your mind?”

The stallion sighed, wiping the sweat from his brow. “Lemme ask you a question, AJ.”

“Sure.” The farmer leaned against a tree, watching her cousin.

“If Ah laid out your entire life for you, and everythin’ you’d ever do up until you died, would you change anythin’? Like if Ah told you how your story would end, would you change a single step?”

Applejack drew a breath. “That’s one heck of a question, Brae.”

Braeburn leaned against a different tree opposite of his cousin. “Yeah, Ah know.” He took off his hat, running a hoof through his mane. “Ah know for sure that if Ah could go back and relive my life, Ah wouldn’t change a step Ah’d take.”

“Really? You wouldn’t try an’ change your mistake?” inquired Applejack, a bit surprised.

“Eeyup. Ah’m more scared of what Ah don’t know than my mistakes.” He reached into the basket and pulled out an apple. “Ah want to go back, find my best moments. But all those memories ain’t gold, and there’s some that Ah’d rather not live through again.”

“Yeah… Memories can be painful, cuz, but you don’t have to relive them if you don’t want to.”

“Ah know. Ah’ve learned from those mistakes, though. Ah learned somethin’ Ah should have realized a long time ago.” Braeburn gestured with a hoof to the trees around them. “All of this is great an’ all, but it ain’t gonna be here forever. An’ neither are we. We’re just like this here apple, one in a sea of millions. A tiny speck in a sky full of stars. An’ when our time’s out, well, we’re gone. Slippin’ through the spaces in between then an’ now.”

“Huh. That’s insightful, Brae. You should write poetry,” replied Applejack. “Guess Ah see where you’re comin’ from. Sure, we ain’t here forever, but we’re still here for a while. Hard to see the difference between livin’ for now and livin’ for tomorrow.”

“Glad you agree. Nice to have someone agree when you say you feel wrong… ‘specially when you haven’t felt right in years.” Braeburn tossed the apple back into its basket. “Darin’ left on another one of her adventures last night.”

“Oh.” Applejack’s gaze fell. “Sorry to hear that.”

“Hey, it’s fine. Ah’m learnin’ how to let go now. Ah’m not gonna let these ghosts keep hauntin’ me. Rather bury my past right next to my fears.”

Applejack stood up. “You really think that this time?”

“This is my life. Ah won’t run around in circles, endin’ right back where Ah start.” He pulled out a crumpled sheet of paper from his vest pocket. The words ‘I won’t fade’ were scribbled on it. “Ah made a promise to myself… and Ah intend to keep it.”

Applejack threw her hooves around him. “Ah’m happy for you, Brae.”

Braeburn said nothing, hugging his cousin back. He burned out slowly, and knew he had time to recover from Daring’s departure. He thought back to last night and wondered why his heart leaped when Daring said she’d be back.

“Aw, Brae. Ah’m sure you’ll find someone to love soon. Just don’t give up,” Applejack said as she pulled back.

A sad smile appeared on his face. “Love means nothin’ to me, AJ. Ah don’t know what it means anymore.” He replaced his hat on his head. “All Ah want now is to be the pony that Ah’ve been dreamin’ to be.” He took the folded up piece of paper and stuck it in the brim of his hat.

“Brae-”

“AJ, Ah’m all out of words. They keep comin’ back to haunt me, showin’ me that Ah’m not who Ah say Ah am. Ah’ll learn, Ah’ll figure it out… please, just give me some time.”

Applejack was silent, and nodded. She trotted off towards the other side of the orchard, to finish the morning chores. Braeburn reached back into his vest pocket and pulled out another crumpled piece of paper, one with different writing on it. “I’m just falling through the gaps, fading into dark. Just time that’s running out. I don’t want to fade. Please don’t let me fade.”

As he read Daring’s words, he sighed and fell to his knees. The farm around him was silent as one single tear fell into the dirt.