Chapter 1: Drowning

“I am drowning in liquor and apathy will be the death of me…”

It was like his head had been submerged in water. There was a pounding in his head, heavy and fierce. Something surged in his chest, shooting through his body. His eyes shot open, and he gasped for breath. Air filled his lungs, and he blinked, sitting up. Groaning, he found himself in the same wooden room he always found himself in. He tossed off the covers, resting his hooves on the ground. He lifted a hoof and lay it in front of him. Then the memories of last night resurfaced. He collapsed on the floor in a haze.

He looked up and saw it. The mare responsible for this. He rubbed his eyes. “Go ‘way.” When he opened them, he found her gone. “Ah’m losing mah mind,” he proclaimed, getting to his hooves again. The door opened, and an orange coated mare stuck her head in the room.

“Brae? You all right?” The stallion nodded, staring at where the ghost stood.

“Jus’ seein' some ghosts, AJ.” The mare frowned, eyebrow raised. Her eyes widened, taking in the mess and the smell of alcohol.

“Oh no, Brae. Not again.”

The stallion rolled his eyes, ignoring her.

“Come on, Braeburn, I thought-”

Braeburn threw up his hooves in despair, his back landing on the bed. “Whaddya want me to say, Applejack? That ‘Ahm fine?” He scoffed. “Ah’d say it, but Ah’d be lying.” He dug his head into the pillow, drowning out his cousin’s reply.

His mind went back to last night. A conflict emerged in his head as he struggled to swim through his thoughts. Organizing them into things he should have said and things he shouldn’t have turned into a hopeless task. “Ah’ve seen her cry, but Ah’ve never seen her shout. Not even last night. ‘Ah guess that’s what scares me.”

“I’m sorry, it’s the truth,” she said when they got home last night. Braeburn laughed and took the bottle in front of him.

“Nopony’s bulletproof, you know? Same idea with words.” She bit her lip as she watched him take a swig.

“Remember that next time, before you shoot me like that,” He threw the bottle on the ground. “If there’s a next time.” Braeburn’s mind snapped back to the present. He rolled onto his back again, grunting. Applejack was at his side now.

“What happened this time?” she asked in a soft manner.

“...’Ah can’t remember,” he muttered. “Mind’s blurred. Hazy. Faded.” He pressed his hooves against his head, trying to stop the pounding. “Heh… guess she was right, ‘ah don’t know mah limits. Ah, Celestia damn it…”

“Braeburn, please! You can’t keep doing this to yourself, it’s not healthy!” she had cried.

He didn’t remember what he did, but he knew what he said. “So what? It’s not like this is love anyway. We both know that. This feels like a war, if anythin’.”

She was silent for a while, but her next words stuck with him. “So what? Everything you said was just a lie? This entire friendship, or whatever you call it, a lie?”

“ ‘Ah never lied, swear to Celestia. It’s just… ‘Ah can’t go on like this.” She knew what he meant.

“I know that you think I’m dragging you down, but… dreams are dangerous, Brae. I’ve seen them ruin ponies. I just wanted to save you before you destroy yourself… but don’t worry. If you don’t want me to bring you down off your high, then fine. This is the last time I ever will.”

“Save me? You don’t even know how I feel. It’s like… Ah’m drowning in mah thoughts.”

She sighed. “I know. I’m not taking you down, Braeburn. You’re doing it to yourself.” He took another swig, though he knew she was right. “You keep falling, but you tell me you’re not. I can’t help you if you keep lying.”

“Braeburn?” Applejack’s voice brought him back to reality again. “I know you don’t want to hear it… but she was right, in a way.”

Braeburn chuckled. “Thought you were on mah side, what’s with the friendly fire?” Applejack opened the blinds, causing the sunlight to streak in. “Just leave me alone to suffer, thank ya kindly.” It wasn’t the first time that he had done this, laying in the fallout caused by his own words.

“Jus’ listen for a second. You just need to stop thinkin’ so much, Braeburn.” Braeburn mulled on this. It was true that his train of thought crashed into other trains, and that he found himself thinking too much about things that never happened. He was so wrapped up in these thoughts that he never paused to figure out that she was never fully there. He had poured out his heart and soul to her, yet she never seemed to return the dedication.

But even then, it seemed like no matter what he said, ever friendship or love he ever had ended up spinning out of control and crashing in a burning heap of lies. After that, the two would part, never to see each other again, and Braeburn would stumble along in an alcohol induced haze until he met a new pony. Then the cycle would start again, but no matter how many times it happened, it just seemed to get harder. “Only way to drown out mah thoughts is to drown them with liquor, cuz,” Braeburn said absently.

“Apathy’s gonna kill you, Brae.” replied Applejack before she left the room.

Braeburn groaned again and sat up. “She was right, that was the last time,” he mused.