Why Won't Everypony Stop Hitting on Rainbow Dash?

by TheDriderPony

Rating: teen
Tags: Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Roseluck, Comedy, Sex
Length: 7805

No matter where she goes, every turn leads Rainbow Dash to another unwanted proposition.

Rainbow Dash knows she's hot stuff, but not this hot! Something's up, and it's up to her to figure it out, all while dodging constant attempts to invite her into certain situations with certain ponies that she'd really rather avoid.

Rated teen due to an unrelenting onslaught of shameless innuendo and lascivious puns. By definition, no actual sex occurs, just lots of insinuation and double talk. I might actually bump it up to mature if enough people suggest that I do so, this being my first foray into such writing.

My entry into Aragon's Comedy (is serious business) Contest, under the prompt "We Learned Something Suggestive".

Published 2018-02-09 18:00:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-09 18:00:06 UTC

Thwarting the Cat and the Rooster's Playdate

"Look fuzzface. I don't like you, and I think it's pretty obvious you don't like me either. But everyone else is satisfied and you're the only one throwing a fit. This isn't easy for me, y'know. I had to spend, like, two hours getting all this weird stuff ready 'cause you're so picky. But Fluttershy's my friend and I said I'd do this for her, so you're going to sit down, behave, and eat that frikkin' salad if I have to cram it down your throat myself!"

Angel Bunny blew a raspberry in response.

"Oh, come on!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed in frustration as she hovered over to the table. "I did everything right! I followed Fluttershy's directions to the letter!" She gestured to the table, which looked prim and proper enough for a foreign diplomat to have tea with Celestia.

"I got the fancy tablecloth, the good plates, all silver utensils-" She grabbed a fork and shook it in the uncooperative bunny's direction. "Three forks! Why do you even need a fork? It's a salad! You're just gonna stick your face in it!"

Angel crossed his stubby arms and looked away.

Rainbow Dash continued, gesticulating wildly in her anger. "I even went out and got some flowers from the forest and bought candles, with my own bits mind you, 'cause Fluttershy didn't have any left."

She leveled the fork at him. "So, you are gonna suck it up and eat! That! Salad!"

Angel frowned, but lifted the bowl of greens up in one arm. Rainbow sighed as she retreated to the other side of the room. "Ugh, finally! I thought I'd never get that little monster to eat. Whoa!"

At the insistent tingling of her innate pegasus senses, she banked a hard mid-air turn, barely avoiding the airborne veggies. "Hey!" she exclaimed, only to swerve the other way to avoid an incoming fork. What had started out easy enough quickly evolved into a complex aerial ballet, as she swerved, spun, swayed, and slipped between bits of food and dinnerware as fast as the irate bunny could throw them.

"Missed me, ha!" Dash declared triumphantly once her opponent had run out of ammunition. "You throw like a- Ow!" She rubbed her muzzle where the forgotten centerpiece had struck her square on. Out of the corner of one eye, she saw the dastardly rabbit winding up for a final volley with one of the centerpiece's stray flowers while she was distracted. He launched it like a javelin, and it pierced through the sky with unnerving accuracy.

But Dash was ready, and snatched the flower right out of the air with her teeth, chomping it down in three quick bites.

"Thanks for the snack," she gloated, "but it looks like you're out of ammo, so I win!"

She then finally took notice of the state of the room around her. Lettuce and carrots strewn everywhere. Forks and knives sticking out of the wall like coat hooks. Even the serving bowl had somehow managed to perfectly dislodge a lampshade and take it's place. In short, it was a terrible mess. That she was going to have to clean up.

"Or... not."

But fortune was smiling on Rainbow Dash, and the mess wasn't too difficult to clean up. One of the perks of having several dozen near-permanent tenants is that there's always someone who can tidy the tricky spaces, so Fluttershy's house was so clean you could eat off the floor (which many of the animals did anyway). The biggest hassle was actually collecting all the fiddly little bits. Carrots that had rolled under furniture and the like. She snacked on a few as she cleaned, keeping in mind the five minute rule.

The utensils embedded in the wall proved a greater challenge, but eventually they gave way to the pressure of a peeved pegasus pulling with all her might. She was worried about the holes left behind, but before she could worry too much, a troop of small insects scuttled out from a crack in the ceiling, swarmed over her holes, and when they dispersed the wall looked as good as new. She shrugged it off as just another example of Fluttershy's crazy ability to work with animals.

At last the damage was cleaned and the salad reconstructed (minus a few snacks). Just as she was setting the bowl back down in front of Angel Bunny for round two, there was a knock at the door.

"Wonder who that is." Rainbow Dash pondered as she made her way to the door, turning around at the last second to shoot Angel a glare. "And you'd better eat that this time, or so help me you're gonna get a priority flight to Griffonstone to learn all about their local cooking in a very intimate way."

She turned back towards the door just in time to miss a rather rude gesture from the rabbit. When she opened it, she found herself face to face with an unknown pegasus.

He was young, old enough that calling him a colt would be kinda awkward, but still very much in the middle of having puberty hit him upside the head with everything it had. His two-sizes-too-big tan uniform and the box on his back gave him away as a delivery pony. He squinted at Rainbow Dash through beady eyes, and glanced between her and his clipboard several times.

"Miss... Fluttering Shy?" he ventured.

"It's Fluttershy," she corrected, "But nah. She's away at a convention. I'm just taking care of her animals while she's gone."

The delivery pony shrugged. "Not my business. Just need somepony's signature to show the package was delivered." He tilted the package off his back, fumbling with it for a moment before getting his grip and passing it over, along with the clipboard. "Sign there please."

Dash set the box behind her, took the offered quill, and gave her thoroughly practiced autograph before handing it back.

He squinted at the signature, searching for a name amidst the swirls, speed lines, and generally poor hoofwriting. Then his eyes suddenly widened. "Wait, are you... Rainbow Dash?"

"Uh, yeah." She replied smugly.

"The Rainbow Dash? Of 321 Cloudy boulevard?"

"The one and only."

A noticeable change came over the stallion. His posture straightened, his voice cleared up, even the flyaways in his mane seemed to settle down. "Oh, er... I've been trying to get in contact with you actually, but you don't seem to be at home much."

Rainbow Dash leaned casually against the door frame. Obviously he was a fan. "Yeah, it's really just a place to sleep and eat. I like to spend all my free time practicing, you know?"

"Uh, yeah sure." He agreed. "Anyway, I have a special delivery for you."

Rainbow Dash opened her mouth to respond, but paused. There was something weird about what he'd just said. But she brushed the thought aside. "Yeah? What is it?"

"It's a special package," he continued, "A rather large package at that."

There is was again. Some weird twinge in his voice. Like he was over-accenting certain words. But again, she ignored her intuition. "Well, you clearly know where I live. Just drop it off. Put it under the mat or whatever, it's a safe neighborhood."

The stallion shook his head. Did... did he just try to do a mane flip? She wasn't sure, but now that she'd started to pay attention...

"Oh no. This is the kind of package that you have to deal with personally.

And again! There was no mistaking it this time. Now that she was really looking, Dash could spot all sorts of telltale signs that gave away the pony's true intentions. The way he'd thrust his chest forward a little. How his tail was lifted a bit too high to be just resting, and his legs spread a little too wide for general polite company. It was clear as day to her that this pegasus had one thing on his mind and one thing only. She really disliked this type of creepy fancolt. Sent a small ripple of disgust down her spine.

No... she hesitated. She had to give the colt the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was just really awkward? Still, best way to test for perverts and creeps? Set them up for a line and see if they take it.

She leaned forward and spread her wings a bit, just enough to show off the toned muscle and finely cared for feathers as she baited her trap. "Would you say this the kind of package that you could handle with say, one hoof? Is it that small?"

His eyes widened and he shook his head with greater vigor than before. "Oh no, two at least! You might even want to bring a friend. It's truly enormous."

Dash frowned, if only partially to hide a smirk of success. That was the clincher. No stallion could resist justifying size, even if he was trying to be discreet. But she was done playing. Time to put an end to this, though she decided to let him down gently but firmly since he was still pretty young.

She straightened her stance, instinctively making herself look as big as possible. "Look, kid," she laid the emphasis heavy on that moniker, "I'm flattered, really, but it is not cool to just go up to a mare and ask this kinda thing. Not cool." She gave a smile that she hoped came off as conciliatory. "Maybe try a few mares your own age first. Learn to talk to them like ponies. Then maybe try again in like, ten years or something."

With what she what she thought of as a fitting air of finality, she stepped back and closed the door on him.

The delivery pegasus blinked a few times, confused, before turning around and taking off in a huff. "Huh. Rude. Well see if I care if you never get your giant poster or whatever it is." He sighed. "Man, the boss is gonna have my flank if I can't get that thing out of the storeroom."

Back at the cottage, Rainbow Dash put Fluttershy's box on the couch and returned to the dining room, only to find, much to her surprise, the bowl empty and Angel Bunny nowhere in sight.

"Huh. Guess he was hungry after all." She gazed about the room. "I guess I'm done here then. That's everything Fluttershy had on the list." An idea struck her. "Heeey, I should go tell Rarity about that delivery colt. I bet she'll get a kick out of it."

With a whirl of feathers (after carefully exiting and closing Fluttershy's door as to not disturb the birds), the prismatic pegasus took to the skies.

The flight to Rarity's boutique was short, barely ten minutes even at a casual pace. Though most pegasi would argue that what Rainbow Dash considered a 'casual pace', most of them would consider near racing speed.

As Rainbow Dash entered the boutique, the little bell on the door tinkled to announce her arrival.

"Just a mi~nute~!" Rarity trilled from one of her back rooms. "I'll be right with you."

"It's just me Rarity!" Dash shouted out.

"Oh hello, Rainbow Dash. What a surprise." She called back. "Apologies for not coming out, but you've caught me right in the middle of a particularly difficult bit of stitching. I must continue it all the way to the edge of the fabric, else the whole thing will simply come undone and I'll have to start over."

Dash nodded, not that Rarity could see her. "Fine. Hey, you mind if I get a glass of water while I wait?"

"Help yourself dear." Dash began to make her way out of the shop area and into Rarity's private section of the house. "Oh, er- do watch yourself in there. There was a bit of a mess this morning, and I'm afraid I wasn't able to tidy up properly before a client came in with this rush request."

Rainbow Dash scoffed mentally. By Rarity's standards, a 'bit of a mess' probably meant there were still a few crumbs left. Or a stain on the table cloth. Or-

The kitchen was a warzone. Plates had been shattered across the floor. Chairs were flipped or smashed altogether. The cabinets were flung open and their contents half destroyed. And everything from the toaster to the chandelier was dripping in a thick, white goo. Somepony had swept and/or mopped a path from the entry to the sink, supply closet, and backdoor, but that was all the cleaning that had been done.

"Sweetie Belle tried to make cereal and milk for breakfast." Rarity continued from her her workshop, which luckily shared a wall with the kitchen. "And well, let's just say that, with Fluttershy away on her trip, it took us nearly an hour to beat the end result into submission before we released it into the woods."

The sight before her had brought an entirely different scenario to the forefront of Rainbow's thoughts. One which she rapidly shoved into the back of her mind, since there was no way she'd ever want a mental image of Rarity participating in that kind of party. Or anypony for that matter.

Luckily, the sink still worked and there was a clean glass which had survived the sticky deluge. As she was filling, Rarity spoke again.

"While I have you," Rarity began, talking even as she stitched, "Could I ask your opinion on something? I know it's not exactly your area of expertise, but I'd still appreciate a second opinion before making any radical changes."

Dash took a sip of her water. "Sure. What's up?"

"Well, I've been thinking of dyeing my carpet in my private work room."

Rainbow Dash half spit out her water, but just barely managed to catch most of it. Through the muffling effect of the wall, and the noise of water sloshing down her throat, she had missed several of Rarity's words, but she definitely heard "dyeing", "carpet", and "private".

It almost made it some like Rarity was talking about... nah. There was no way. For one thing, even if Rarity was going to talk about something as personal and private as... that, there's no way she would do it with Rainbow Dash of all ponies. She decided that it'd probably be best to try and hear it again.

"Say what now?"

Rarity, over in her workroom, scrutinized the area rug beneath her feet. Particularly areas where sunlight from the windows had faded the color over time. "I mean, it's just that it's matched the drapes ever since I've had it. Which can be good, simple color matching is always the easiest coordination. But this is modern day. Contrast is in. Tastes and styles change and we must be willing to change with them, don't you agree?"

This time, Dash actually did do a spit-take. Even she, who had probably read less books than Applejack, knew that no one talked about carpets and drapes at the same time unless they were talking about one very specific thing in particular. And that was not a conversation she was ready to have with Rarity, or anypony else for that matter.

"Er- you wanna maybe talk about this with somepony else? I don't know, one of your... more artsy friends?"

"Oh don't be so modest, Rainbow Dash." Rarity countered, "You may not flaunt it, but you have an eye for color. Especially contrasts. I should know, I've seen your place after all."

Rainbow Dash instinctively snapped her legs shut. She what?!

"You what?!" She attempted to scream, but it ended up a strangled squeak.

"Oh, yes, I do suppose you were asleep at the time." Rarity recalled, completely and blissfully unaware of the effect her words were having on the pegasus in the next room. "You recall your house party last month? After you had, ah, passed out from your cider contest, Fluttershy gave me a private tour. I was unsure at first, but she assured me that it would be alright since we're all such close friends. She was quite knowledgeable, as I recall, and I was surprisingly impressed. For as messy as you behave, you keep things quite clean."

Rainbow Dash's mind struggled to grapple with all these new and reality-shaking concepts. Firstly, that Rarity was into that sort of thing. Of all of Dash's friends, she was the one usually most likely to stick with cultural norms. After that was the mind-boggling idea that she had toured Dash's unconscious body with Fluttershy, Fluttershy of all ponies - her cherished fillyhood friend from whom she had no secrets- as her guide. It was enough to make a mare lose it. The only thing more shocking, if Dash's brain could even take such a thing, would be Rarity confessing to desiring Rainbow Dash in that way.

Meanwhile, Rarity had just about completed the long key stitch in her project. Still distracted by memories of Rainbow Dash's surprisingly well decorated and coordinated house, in a flair of finishing off the final locking stitch, she accidentally swung her magic field too far and knocked over her cup of tea.

"Ah!" She squealed, though mostly from surprise since the drink had long since cooled.

"What was that?"

"Sorry darling, no worries. I just got distracted by our conversation and now I'm completely wet!" She looked around for something to dry off with, only to remember that all her non-critical fabrics had been drafted to the kitchen to try and contain the mess from that morning. "Rainbow, could you be a dear and come in here to help me take care of it?"

On the other hoof, the stitching was done, so it'd be just as easy to meet Rainbow Dash in the kitchen and dry up the spilled tea there.

"Nevermind, I'll just come to you."

Rarity sunk her needle into a pincushion, and finally let her magic relax. She trotted out of the workroom, across the sales floor and on towards the kitchen. Just a short chat with a friend in between projects. It would be a pleasant distraction from her work. She made it to the kitchen, only to find it abandoned. But the back door was swinging. She glanced outside, and could just make out a rainbow contrail heading away, fast.

"Oh, I guess something important came up and she had to dash off." She turned back to the sticky white mess that was her kitchen and sighed. "And just like that, there goes my excuse for putting off cleaning this up."

She pouted, not that anyone was around to see it, and allowed herself a moment's slip in decorum. "Phooey."

~'o!o'~

"Hiya Dashie!"

Rainbow Dash slowed her escape flight. That had sounded like Pinkie. After such an uncomfortable situation as Rarity had put her through, a good dose of the oddball baker's antics might seem refreshingly normal by comparison. Plus, she desperately needed to tell somepony about what just happened.

She spotted the bright splotch of Pink on the ground below in the vacant lot behind Sugar Cube Corner. As she descended, Dash noticed that the normally packed down dirt of the lot looked to be covered in spare mattresses. Maybe Pinkie had been trying some new flying machine? Or maybe she was just jumping off the roof for kicks and giggles. Anything was possible with her.

"Hooooh, Pinkie. You are not gonna believe what just happened to me over at Rarity's."

Pinkie smiled her charming, sweet, and innocent smile. "Sounds neat. Tell me in a minute, I'm a little tied up at the moment. " She sat back up on her haunches. "In the meantime, you want to get in on some of this en fuego mare on mare action?"

"Pinkay..." a muffled voice complained.

Dash's jaw dropped as she realized that the oddly shaped orange pillow Pinkie was sitting on was actually a very familiar orange pony.

"Pinkie, iffin' we're doin' this yer way, could ya at least stick to the rules you made an' keep yer mask on? Oh, afternoon Rainbow."

As her comment implied, Applejack was in fact wearing a zippered up mask which had holes only for her eyes and muzzle. It was a black material that reflected the light, but had apple motifs embroidered across the cheeks.

"Wha... wha... wha..." Rainbow Dash gibbered, completely thrown for a loop. She had thought Pinkie would provide some normal strangeness. Not more of this... this...

"Oh right, sorry~!" Pinkie grinned as she pulled on a mask of her own, which was similarly black but with balloon designs.

"You wanna join in?" she teased, "I've got a special mask ready just for you. There's room for one more."

"Or two if ya wanna get somepony to help me tag team her." AJ contributed. "E'rrytime I think I got her tied down, she wriggles back out of it."

Pinkie giggled as she brushed a hoof across her cheek, leaving shiny smear. "Sor-ry." She fake-apologized. "There's just all this oil." She turned back to the gobsmacked pegasus voyeuring from afar. "You better join quick if you're gonna. I'm about to pile drive her into next week!"

"You wish!" Applejack retorted. "You jus' wait till I get my second wind, then I'm really gonna get it on!"

There was... this was... there were no words. Rainbow Dash's mind was a void of white light and a static hum. It was impossible! First Rarity, and now... Pinkie Pie... Applejack... two of her closest friends, doing that, together, and in public! Somewhere, somepony started screaming, and after a minute Rainbow Dash realized it was her. Also, that she was abruptly halfway across town at near maximum Ponyville airspace speed.

Applejack rolled her eyes. "An' there she goes. Y'see! I told ya this was crazy. There ain't no need to wrassle over who pays for lunch." She kicked out with her hind legs, sending the pink mare flying. "I'm more'n happy to hoof the bill."

Pinkie performed an expert triple back-flip as she landed perfectly on one of the wooden posts that marked the edge of their ring. She licked some more hayfry grease off her hoof for a better grip, then smiled deviously."It's too late for that now Applejack, this goes beyond mere lunch." She balanced herself on her tail, raising herself up to the fullest height possible. "This! Is! Lunch! LIIIBREEEEEEE!" The bellowing roar nearly knocked her off her perch, but she managed to just barely hang on. "Besides," she continued at a more normal volume. "You wouldn't want to disappoint all the colts and fillies."

A roar came from the surrounding buildings, where every window, balcony, and rooftop was crowded with countless foals, cheering ecstatically. Even the Crusaders cheered from their hastily erected (and probably overpriced) concession kiosk.

Applejack let loose a sigh which turned into a chuckle by the end. "Alright, fer the foals then."

"There's that Lunchador spirit!" Pinkie encouraged, "But I have to warn you~! I may be shorter than you, but I've been told I'm very fast! Think you can last more than one round?"

"Ha! You'll be pantin' on the floor before I even break a sweat! Lemme me show you what a lifetime of buckin'll do fer a girls stamina. Have at ya!"

~'o!o'~

This was bad! It wasn't just Rarity anymore, now it was Pinkie Pie and Applejack too! One minute they're fine and normal, then suddenly they're a bunch of crazy weirdos with only one thing on their mind: Rainbow Dash! Yeah, she was well aware of her own hotness, but this was too much! Friends were for chilling with and saving the world. Not aggressive cuddling and rolling in the hay!

Her thoughts continued to spiral as she sped away from the cognitive hazard that hid behind her favorite snack shop. Was this an attack? Something to distract all the Elements while a monster attacked elsewhere? Then how long would it be before she too succumbed? There had to be somepony she could turn to for help.

This couldn't possibly get any worse!

"Hey Rainbow Dash!" Roseluck called from down below, "Can you help me tame my massive bush?"

"Gaaah!" was all she received as a response before the flying mare vanished in a contrail heading literally any other direction. Roseluck sat back down on her haunches, grumbling. "Well that's a fine how-do-ya-do." She gazed once more upon the giant topiary shrub which had grown to cover her upstairs window. "Now I'll have to wait for another pegasus to come by. Sometime I hate not having wings."

This was worse! It wasn't just her friends, something was wrong with the whole town! She had to find somewhere safe, find others who were unaffected and mount a resistance!

But there was no escape. Everywhere she turned there was another pony with another thinly veiled come-on. The comments came so hard and fast, she could barely parse who said what.

"You there! You wanna ride the Bony Express? Just five bits a ticket!"

"Shag sale! Score while the deal lasts! Go down and examine our fine carpets!"

"Hey, did an alicornification spell go wrong, or are you just happy to see me?"

"Yar! I be lookin' fer mateys to help me spear the bearded clam! Be ye mare enough to come aboard?"

It was all she could do to hear a comment and immediately change course, leaving behind enough contrails to make it look like the whole town was covered by a rainbow doily.

There had to be somewhere, somewhere that she could hide! Somewhere so sexless, so chaste that she could finally stop for five minutes to come up with a plan.

Then, she saw it. Sanctuary! She flew towards the door which beckoned her to safety like a beacon in the hazy red darkness. No! The door was too slow! She'd have to stop to open it and that left another opening somepony could take advantage of. She shifted course, redirecting her flight towards the window as she braced herself for sudden penetration.

Crash!

"Rainbow Dash!" a voice cried out, accompanied by an impatiently tapping hoof. "How many times have I asked you to just use the front door like a normal pony! Ugh, I'm still finding shards of glass in the reference section from last time!"

Dash opened her eyes. Finally, she was surrounded by the most un-sexy thing she could think of: books. And their ticked-off caretaker of course, but she was like sixty percent book anyway. But she was also smart, and maybe some smarts was just the thing to figure this out.

"Twilight, you've gotta help me!" she exclaimed as she jumped to her hooves. "The whole town's gone crazy! Has heat season come early or something?"

"What, no?!" Twilight replied, blushing at even the mention of such a thing. "The Ponyville cycle shouldn't begin for another two months or so."

"Well something is going on out there! I can't take three steps without somepony offering a free screw like it's a giveaway at a hardware store!"

Twilight grabbed a broom in her magic and began sweeping up the glass shards. "I'm sure you're just imagining things. Ponyville doesn't have those kinds of deviants in it." She paused. "You haven't been sneaking into AJ's dark cider cellar have you?"

Dash reared up, taken aback. "What? No! Look Twi, I'm telling you. Something weird is going on."

Twilight dumped the glass debris in the trash and turned back to her friend. "Well I haven't seen anything. I've had ponies in and out of the library all day and I haven't received a single... um... unwarranted advance."

"Well, I have!" Dash insisted. How could Twilight not see that there was something terribly wrong with the townsponies? With their friends? Was she just so asexual that she couldn't tell a pick-up line when she heard it? Rainbow Dash began pacing the room's airspace. "First, there was this delivery colt from the post office who tried to seduce me."

"That... could have be genuine." Twilight reasoned as she returned to her seat by the checkout desk. "You're fit, somewhat well-known, hay, you've saved Equestria a couple of times. Maybe it was just a bit of youthful indiscretion?"

"Yeah, sure, but after that I went to tell Rarity about it, and she started gushing about how much she's impressed by my crotch."

Twilight spat out the mouthful of tea she'd just taken, which Rainbow Dash barely managed to avoid getting in her mane, as her face went as white as the mare in question. "She what?!"

Dash nodded furiously. "I know, right?! She was going on and on about it. And then, Pinkie Pie and Applejack invited me to a three-way! In public! That's two farmers I don't need plowing my mound."

All the blood that had only just drained away from Twilight's face came rushing back at full force, and brought friends. "I- I-" she stammered, barely able to form words through the libidinous images that were clouding her mind. "Please, could you use some kind of mental filter? Or a less visual euphemism at least? But yes. That is rather out of character for them."

Dash snorted. "Now that's an understatement. Since then, everypony in town's been trying to jump my bones like I've got a sign on my flank asking for it." she paused. "I don't, right?"

"You're clear." Twilight assured.

"Thanks. So I figured I could hide in the library, since there's absolutely no way anything even remotely sexy or lewd could ever happen here."

Twilight frowned as her embarrassment was quickly replaced with irritation. "Gee, thanks. Let me save you the trouble and just go file myself away under 'S' for spinster. Plenty of salacious things can happen in a library, you know. Have you read Shaking Spear? In the language of his day, he could get pretty saucy."

But Rainbow Dash was far too focused on the problem at hoof to worry about some long-dead guy who wrote from the front of his pants. "Whatever. We still need to fix everypony so I can get some peace."

Twilight's expression turned pensive as various thoughts and ideas churned through her mind, roiling and boiling against the hasty mental barrier she'd put up to seal away all the sudden and unwanted thoughts of her friends engaging in... licentious activities. After a moment, her horn glowed with magic, although the effect was not immediately apparent. It clearly told Twilight something however, as she let out a soft 'ah' of understanding.

"Dash, have you ever heard of 'Octagon's Razor'?" she inquired.

"No. I don't shave."

Twilight's eye twitched slightly at the comment, but she let is slide. "It's a famous saying in the scientific community. It also has a corollary which I'll paraphrase as 'Either the entire world is affected, or it's just you'."

Dash paused. The idea hadn't even occurred to her. "Are you saying... that it's not everyone else... it's all because of me?"

"Exactly that."

Dash raised her hooves to her mouth as her eyes began to water. "You mean, I've naturally grown so sexy that literally no pony can resist me?"

Twilight rolled her eyes as she fought to rein in the urge to smack either herself or the narcissistic pegasus in the face. "No, I'm saying that I just did a scan of your magic, and there's something foreign in your system."

"What?" Dash snapped out of her fantasy of having literally all of the Wonderbolts fighting over her, "Then fix it! Get it out of me! Reach deep inside of me, grab hold of it, and yank it!"

Twilight shook her head. "I don't know the necessary medical spells. It's too specialized a field. Plus, I don't even know what it is. My general scan just detects the foreign intrusion." She grabbed a quill and scroll from the table. "But I can try to narrow it down. Have you come into contact with anything strange lately? Any evil magic or unusual plants?"

"Uh, not really. I skipped breakfast, got some stunt practice in, had a lite lunch at Hayburgers, went to feed Fluttershy's animals..."

"Tell me more about that." Twilight interjected, nibbling her quill in a way some might read as seductive, "Anything odd in their diets?"

Dash shrugged. "Seeds and grasses mostly. Harry the bear needed some salmon, which was gross, but not weird. That demon rabbit of hers wanted a full three course meal, but I drew the line at making carrot fricassee. He threw most of the salad around the room anyway. I ate a few bits of that while I cleaned it up." A thought struck her. "I ate one of the flowers from the centerpiece too."

"What species?" Twilight asked patiently as she dutifully jotted down everything Rainbow Dash mentioned.

"Dunno. I grabbed them from the forest's edge."

The quill froze and Twilight gave her friend a long even gaze through half-lidded eyes. "You mean the Everfree forest?"

"Uh, duh? Obviously, it's the one right next to Fluttershy's house."

This time, Twilight did actually smack herself in the face, but at least she restrained from giving Dash the same treatment. "Rainbow Dash, if anyone ever asks you 'have you eaten anything strange recently', plants from the Everfree should be at the top of that list!"

"Well sorry, I forgot alright? It just looked like a regular rose."

Shaking her head, Twilight walked to a nearby bookcase and pulled out a slim volume. "Lucky for you, there's been a surge of research into Everfree flora and fauna lately, so tracking it down should be simple."

Rainbow Dash waited impatiently as Twilight leafed through the book with painstaking slowness. She hadn't mentioned it before since she needed Twilight undistracted to fix this, but whatever was going on was starting to affect her view of the bookish mare. Every step Twilight took felt like it was angled to show off her flank. Every turn seemed to make her mane brush past her face just so. Every blink looked like a sultry flutter. However, despite noticing it, it was still pretty easy to ignore. Partly because Dash knew now it was some kind of magic effect, and partly because being hit on by Twilight was like trying to be seduced by a math teacher. It just didn't work.

"Ah ha!" She declared finally. "I believe this may be our culprit."

Twilight held out the book in her magic so Rainbow Dash could see. The text was cramped and tiny, but the opposing page had a large full-color illustration of a single pink rose.

"Yeah! That's the one!" she declared, "I remember it had those little leaves that looked like hearts!"

"It's known as 'Discordia Rosa'," Twilight read, "or by it's common name; the 'Innuendrose'."

"Discord!" Dash swore, "I should have known he'd be behind this. Oh he's getting a sock in the jaw for sure!"

"Yes, but not directly." Twilight explained, "The discordia genus contains all the species that Discord created a thousand years ago that managed to survive without him. It's the same genus as poison joke and swamp flower."

"Yeah yeah, whatever. He's still getting a horseshoe to the head. Now hurry up. What else does it say?"

"It says," Twilight began reciting, "The innuendrose applies an effect to the afflicted pony akin to a magical virus. Although contracted via ingestion, the virus may be spread pony-to-pony through the mucus membranes. It will attempt to facilitate this spread through the use of it's primary effect. The virus creates a perception filter around the afflicted's senses, slowly influencing and altering what they see and hear with increasing capacity. Stage one merely affects tone and emphasis. In stage two, whole words may be substituted to change the meaning of a sentence. By stage three, the afflicted pony's auditory input can be entirely subverted, such that everything they hear is a product of the virus."

"Skip ahead." Rainbow Dash insisted. She hadn't understood everything Twilight had said, but she didn't like what she had. "Skip to the cure."

"Alright, alright." Twilight skipped ahead, commenting even as her brain rapidly parsed the remaining text. "My, this really is such a very ~~insidious~~ liberating virus."

Rainbow Dash paused. There was something... off about what Twilight had just said. "Come again?"

"It's just remarkable how it ~~makes~~ lets you ~~do~~ explore things that you'd never be ~~indecent~~ brave enough to try otherwise."

There was still something off about Twilight, but it was like Rainbow Dash's head was in a fog and she couldn't concentrate.

"Here it is!" Twilight said. "Good news! It says right here that the effect is ~~temporary, and should wear off rather quickly~~ permanent, unless you act rather quickly."

"What!?!" Rainbow Dash cried in panic. Permanent? No way! She couldn't live like this! She had to do whatever was necessary to cure it. No matter how strange or difficult, she had to do whatever Twilight said to fix it. She could feel it like a pressure in her skull that whatever Twilight said, had to be done.

"Yes!" Twilight replied, completely misreading the scene and mistaking Dash's panic for surprised delight. "It can't be cured, but ~~away from the Everfree, the magic will wither~~ you can transfer the magic on to another."

"What do you mean? How?"

Twilight gave her a ~~confused~~ sensual look. "~~You want details? It just wears off, like a cold.~~ You want details? Embrace the urges and be bold."

Dash's eyes widened, but in a part of her mind, it made sense. Just go with it. Satisfy the virus's needs and it will move on. But she'd still need somepony to fit the other half of her biological jigsaw puzzle.

"But, with who? I mean, who'd consent to that?"

Twilight blinked seductively. "~~Dash, I don't understand you.~~ As a friend, I want help you."

Rainbow Dash was shocked. Twilight would do that? For her? "You, you can't be serious Twilight!" she stuttered, "You?

"~~Wait what? What are you saying?~~ Yes, that's what I'm saying."

Through the cloud in her mind, Rainbow Dash still felt that something was strange about this, but everything seemed to be fine and good. All that was left was to... do it. She swallowed nervously. "Alright, Twilight. I'll take you up on your offer. We'll just do it once, just once, and then we'll figure out who you can pass it on to."

"What?!" Twilight practically screeched, though Dash heard it as giddy euphoria. In a flash of adrenaline and panic induced clarity, realization struck Twilight. "~~Wait... no! You can't be stage three already!~~ Wait... no. You can do it. I'm ready."

At that moment, Twilight's mind recalled a passage from the book that she had breezed by in her speed read for the cure. Symptoms are slow to progress, but may be greatly accelerated by stress and physical activity. And Rainbow Dash had been panicking and flying about town all day.

"Rainbow Dash," she said slowly, ~~If you can understand me, start your next sentence with 'Dear Princess Celestia'~~.

Twilight paused as she waited for a response, silently praying that Rainbow Dash wasn't so far gone as she feared she was. The rainbow mare blinked as a huge blush suddenly spread across her face.

"Wow that's... that's pretty out there Twilight. But if that's what you're into, then I won't kink-shame you."

Twilight was aghast. She was too late! Rainbow Dash was already cut off from the world, trapped in a realm of heavy-hooved euphemisms and sultry double entendres. Even now, the pegasus was starting to lean in closer, her breath hot and heavy as her face flushed. It almost made her look cute in an awkwardly vulnerable fashion...

Twilight shook her head. No! Out vile thoughts! This was not time for that! She needed to protect and save Rainbow Dash, not fall prey to the same traps. But she couldn't focus. Couldn't think. She was too flustered by her slowly advancing friend to formulate a plan. She needed time. Time to think, time to plan, time for the virus to-

"Ur, alright, let's just get this over with."

Twilight's eyes widened at Dash's sudden declaration. No! Not enough time! She needed help! She needed backup! She needed-

"Spike!" Twilight called desperately, her meaning ambiguous enough that even Dash heard it unaltered.

Spike? Rainbow paused at the odd interruption right when things were about to happen. Why would she call for Spike? Maybe she got cold hooves after all? Or maybe... she wanted to tag out? But... no, she couldn't do those things with Spike. Spike was a bro. Spike was a chill kid you called to hang out with. Well, when he wasn't doing all those chores. Chores which had probably made him pretty strong and built up stamina. Also, by Equestrian law he was technically an adult. And of course, there was that old mares saying about the size of a dragon's fire and the size of their other racial abilities. And he did melt that giant iceberg that one time.

As Rainbow Dash's pink-hazed mind rapidly justified and validated any possible excuse to get the virus what it wanted, Spike meandered into the room, holding a frying pan in one claw with a barely warmed grilled cheese sandwich on top.

~~"Fezzik protocol! Fezzik protocol!"~~ "Fekk it protocol! Fekk it protocol!" Twilight cried in ~~panic~~ delight.

Spike looked around in ~~confusion~~ anticipation. "What, on RD?"

~~"Yes! Just do it!"~~ "Yes! Just do her!"

Dash was mildly impressed. She'd joked about it before, but it looked like Twilight really did have a plan for literally every possible scenario. She even had specific code names rehearsed and everything.

~~But I don't have a rock?~~ But I don't have my-

"Improvise!!"

Rainbow Dash advanced on the adolescent dragon. The more she thought about it, the more it looked like he was into the idea as well. The way he twisted to show off his muscles. How his eyes were zeroing in on her body. The way he was leaning in to tenderly caress her head with that frying-

CLANG!

And she knew no more.

Dash awoke immobilized on an unfamiliar bed. Magenta bands of magic tied down her limbs, and a larger strap was cinched against her barrel. Panic was her first response.

What fresh chaos was this? Had Twilight changed her mind, and also decided to do some weird kinky stuff as well? How long had she been asleep? Had Twilight done things to her in her sleep?!

Her viciously spiraling thoughts were interrupted by the sound of approaching hoofbeats on the stairwell. Twilight rose into view, but was her smile made it impossible to tell if she was there for genial or genital matters. "Ah, good. You're finally awake. Now I can finally begin..."

Rainbow Dash tensed.

"...to explain what's going on."

Rainbow relaxed. It seemed Twilight had not come to ravish her like the captured princess in one of Rarity's nom de plume novels after all.

"As I tried to explain to you earlier," she continued, "Though I'm pretty sure you were hearing something completely different at the time, much like a normal virus, the effect of the innuendrose is temporary. Without the wild magic of the Everfree to sustain it, it will work itself out of your system in just a few hours." She glanced at the clock. "Which it has since been since Spike ah... anesthetized you. I also magically removed the remains of the flower from your stomach. Being filled with it's seed would have only prolonged the effect."

Dash's ears perked up at her suddenly much more positive prognosis. "So I'm all cured? No more seedy come-ons from every corner?"

"Essentially, yes. Not that there technically were any to begin with. Though, if you don't have plans, I'd like you to stay over until at least tomorrow, just to make sure everything's out of your system before you head back out."

"Cool. I can chill. Also," she wiggled as much as her still sexual seeming bonds would allow," What's up with the restraints?"

Twilight blushed awkwardly, "Right, sorry." and dispelled the magic. "According to the text, there was a very slim, but not impossible, chance of the virus mutating and, for lack of a more tactful phrase, sending you on a sex-driven rampage through town like a succubus scorned."

Dash leaned back into her pillow and grimaced. "Oh man. Thanks for tying me up while I was passed out then."

Twilight nodded, and chalked up the unusual phrasing to the last gasping efforts of the magic still inside her friend. "I'll have Spike bring you up something to help bring you back to full health."

Dash swallowed the lump in her throat as the memories of her final pre-frying-pan-face-plant moments returned to her. "Oh geez, Spike. I bet that was a fun conversation."

Twilight cringed. "I've been putting it off all day. I don't even know how I'm going to explain the underlying concepts to him."

"Lemme give you a hint. No flashcards."

Twilight discreetly slipped a deck of brightly illustrated cards back into a shelf, intentionally outside of Rainbow Dash's range of vision. "Of course not! That would be ridiculous." She turned and began heading back down the stairs.

"You rest up, and I'll go... explain things of an uncomfortably biological nature to my pseudo-sibling."

As her head dropped below floor level, Rainbow shouted out one last comment, "And I'd steer clear of live demonstrations as well if I was you!" and was rewarded with the sound of Twilight missing her footing and tripping the last few steps.

Rainbow Dash sighed as she shifted around her wings on a bed clearly designed for a unicorn. It was... a relief to know that everything was cleared up. There was a lot of explaining she was going to have to do to her friends. And Roseluck. And that delivery colt. And probably half the rest of the town. Though they'd get the abridged version, obviously...

"SHE WAS GOING TO WHAT?!"

Rainbow Dash laughed under her breath. Seems like Twilight had gotten to the juicy bits of the explanation. It was too bad, really. Maybe it had been the magic talking, but she'd actually done a pretty good job selling herself on the idea of Spike as a partner. So much for that-

"WHY DID YOU TELL ME TO HIT HER?! I WAS THIS CLOSE TO FINALLY GETTING SOME!"

Her eyes shot back open as his words reached her ears. Maybe there was still a route there after all...

Author's Note

"If prostitution is the oldest profession, then sex puns are the oldest comedy."
-Probably Someone