“You think you've won,” said The Nameless Knight.
“I have won.” Tirek leaned forward, sneering. “For years, I have sat on this throne. For years, I have ruled this world. For years, none have come to challenge me. For years, the very name of Tirek strikes fear into men's hearts. As it should be.”
“We haven't been hiding, Tirek. We've been planning. Training. Waiting for this day. It's been years, yes ... But in that time, we learned something, Tirek! We learned how to defeat you!” The knight dashed across Tirek's throne room, drawing one fist back for a wild haymaker.
Tirek slapped the knight to the floor with a single, disdainful blow.
The knight did not get up.
Tirek laughed.
His booming, basso voice echoed from the stone walls of his throne room. He hoisted his beaten opponent up by the neck, holding her battered body aloft with one hand. With the other, he tore her helmet away, tossing it carelessly to the side. Red hair, sticky with sweat and blood, spilled free.
“To think.” Tirek said, and started laughing again. “The likes of you thought you could defeat me? Pathetic.”
She reached up to grab at Tirek's fingers, but his grip was stronger than steel. She opened her mouth to spit back some final, insult, but only made a few desperate, choking gasps. With a final, dismissive twist of the hand, Tirek broke the knight's neck. Tirek dropped her lifeless body, laughed again, and settled back onto his black marble throne.
GAME OVER
“I told you it was too early to make a run on the final boss.” Sunset Shimmer grumbled, tossing her controller to the side in frustration. She sighed, and slumped back against the couch. Twilight scooted out of the way. Sunset's apartment wasn't very spacious under the best of conditions, and the addition of six other guests made things even more cramped-- though in a cozy, friendly way.
“Pssh, whatever! It's totally possible to beat Tirek right at the start of the game!” Rainbow Dash scooped up the controller. “I read it on the internet, which means it's true! You just have to be really, really good. Watch!”
Rainbow Dash leaned forward, setting her face in a determined grimace. Her thumbs worked the controller with practiced expertise, and soon enough, the redheaded woman on the screen turned down a certain out of the way corridor, walking deeper into the castle, instead of taking the tunnel out into the world beyond. She found Tirek exactly where she knew he'd be, seated upon his black marble throne, waiting.
Not even a minute later, Tirek launched into his evil laughter and played out the neck-breaking cutscene once again. It was unskippable.
“This is just gettin' masochistic.” Applejack said, shaking her head.
“I'll say.” Rarity said. “Would you look at that outfit? I mean, I like a set of heels as much as the next girl, but that is certainly not what I'd wear on a quest to depose a dark lord of evil.”
“She's right.” Twilight looked up from her phone and pushed her glasses further up her nose. “You should get the Nighthunter Boots, at least-- it gives you a plus three dexterity bonus, which will really help with your build.” At the blank stares from her other friends, Twilight smiled embarassedly and sank down into the couch. “I've ... Been reading the wiki.”
“There's a wiki?” Rainbow Dash said.
“There's always a wiki.” Twilight nodded. “Especially for complex open-world games like the Tirek series. And that's before you get into the surprisingly deep combat system-- ”
“But the game just came out today!”
“Well, yes.” Twilight pushed her glasses further up her nose as she geared up for pedantry. “But, with certain midnight releases, not to mention the several hours we spent in line, Tirek's Revenge has been out for a good sixteen, seventeen hours now. Not to mention the Asian release came out several weeks ago-- translation issues aside, that's still plenty of time for players to start charting things out, especially in the early game like this.”
“Who cares what the wiki says? Let's do multiplayer!” Pinkie Pie snatched a spare controller from its charging rack, and immediately started pushing buttons at random. When nothing happened onscreen, she frowned, and started pushing the buttons harder. “Sunset!” Pinkie Pie whined. “Your controller's broken or out of batteries or something! It's not letting me plaaaaaaay!”
“It says here--” Twilight went back to the wiki on her phone. “We need to unlock multiplayer in the Arena of Thorns, first. Thankfully, it's only a little ways past the tutorial dungeon.”
“What? I can't just jump in? Booooooo.” Pinkie Pie flopped bonelessly onto the arm of the couch, dangling her torso upside-down.
“It's ... Not the best design feature, when you think about it.” Sunset said. “But the first game didn't even have multiplayer, so ... That's a step up? Maybe?”
“So somebody hurry up and get to the place where the rest of us can have fun, jeez!” Rainbow Dash squirmed in anticipation. “I can't wait to school all of you!”
“Um. Can I have a turn?” Fluttershy raised a hand, as if she were asking a question in class. “I'll go right to the multiplayer. I promise.”
“You sure, Fluttershy? This ... might not be your kind of game.” Rainbow Dash said. “Like, you don't build a house or grow tomatoes or whatever.”
“According to this, there's a homesteading minigame available after the Baker's Guild quest ... “ Twilight said as she peered down at her phone.
“That's okay.” Fluttershy said, timid but earnest. “I ... like to try different things sometimes.”
“Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you.” Rainbow handed the controller over.
Fluttershy stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth in cute concentration and guided her impractically attired avatar through the tutorial dungeon (though notably in the opposite direction of Tirek's throne room).
“Oh! I can help!” Twilight said, scrolling through the notes on her phone. “The wiki has a starting guide--”
Fluttershy moved through the dungeon with increasing confidence, easily mastering the basics of moving her character-- running, ducking, and jumping past various obstacles before coming into a larger chamber, patrolled by a hulking, ogre-like guard.
“Okay Fluttershy, you're doing pretty good. This is just a tutorial encounter, so you can just--”
“You decease now!” The guard snarled, and started stomping across the screen, footsteps heavy enough to make the screen shake.
“What did he just say?” Rarity said, and looked over at Twilight to be the arbiter of all things grammatical.
“Tirek's Revenge maaaaay have had a slightly rushed production, so they maaaay have cut a few corners on the translation. But that's part of the charm?” Twilight said. She leaned forward, and then looked over at Fluttershy. “Now, just stay calm-- there's a trick to beating these--”
As the guard raised his rusty axe, Fluttershy (or, more specifically, her avatar) swung a savage roundhouse into his rotund belly. She followed through with a barrage of flaming punches, each successive hit bumping up a counter at the corner of the screen. As soon as the combo hit the double digits, Fluttershy capped it off with an expert snap of her left thumbstick, and the redheaded woman onscreen jabbed a knife-hand straight through his throat, spattering the dungeon with streaks of scarlet gore.
Fluttershy kept moving, scooping up the guard's fallen axe and launched herself at the handful of other enemies storming in after her. More geyser-like streams of blood arced across the screen, and the combo counter kept ticking higher and higher with each passing second.
“Whoa.” Rainbow Dash said, eyes wide in admiration. “Since when are you ... uh ... good at games?”
“It's not that different than Mortal Wombat.” Fluttershy murmured, even as she bisected a pair of dungeon guards-- one vertically, the next horizontally. “Just, um, with more blood and stabbings and stuff.”
“That old game?” Rainbow Dash said. “The one about stuffed animals slapping each other around?”
“It can be fun.” Fluttershy didn't take her eyes away from the screen. “I like Kelsie Kangaroo. She's cute and has a really good kick attack.”
“Okay, sure, but ... Like, you're scared of like, every cool movie ever! You can't even watch those old Gargantulon movies with dudes in rubber suits!” Rainbow Dash said.
“This doesn't have any rubber suits.” Fluttershy said as her on-screen persona dodged out of the way of a spear thrust. “It's just, like, pixels and stuff. That's different.”
“Uh. If you say so.” Rainbow Dash shrugged.
“Plus, these are just minions of Tirek which means they have to die.” Fluttershy said with surprising steel in her voice. The last of the guards went down with a perforated sternum, and the pink-haired girl finally took her eyes off the screen. “But you can play some more if you like, Rainbow.”
“I'm good?” Rainbow Dash said. “I, uh, I think I'll wait 'til we get to the multiplayer part.”
“Oh, okay. Just let me know if you want a turn.” Fluttershy pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, wiped her palms on her skirt, and then got back to playing. On the TV, a snaggletoothed old man appeared to congratulate Fluttershy on winning her first battle. Fluttershy ignored him, running past to throw herself into a fresh pack of hapless guards like a digitized Cuisinart set to 'splatter'.
After a few minutes of on-screen carnage, Twilight cleared her throat and made an attempt at idle conversation. “Y'know, Sunset, I'm surprised you like video games at all. I mean, I can't imagine they have games like this back where you're from.”
“Back in Equestria?”
“Yeah.”
“That's ... actually why I kind of like them. Technology here's so advanced-- there are a couple of coin operated cabinets here and there in Equestria, but nothing on the level of this.” She gestured to her console. “Heck, even the games you play on your phone have better graphics, better gameplay, better storylines--”
“Prepare for die!” A chain wielding enemy snarled from the screen. Fluttershy made short work of him, then scooped up the chain to start wailing on the next batch of bad guys.
“... okay, so that's kind of a low bar, but still.” Sunset said with a little shrug. “But really, the thing that gets me is that you've got to play these games with your thumbs.” Sunset wiggled her slim fingers, and smiled. “It kind of makes video games into a really human thing to do.”
“I game, therefore I am?” Twilight said. “That's a pretty unique way to look at it.”
“I've got a pretty unique perspective, I guess.” Sunset smiled. “Especially since Tirek is an actual evil wizard, back in Equestria. So getting to fight him in a video game is pretty cathartic.”
“Oh oh oh! I know how this works!” Pinkie Pie sat up, clenching her fists in excitement. “What if Tirek's really real here, too? And then what if a bolt of lightning strikes your TV and we all get sucked into the video game and then Twilight can use her nerdy wiki stuff to save the day? Wouldn't that be super fun? Except for all the blood and stabbings and stuff.”
Sunset rolled her eyes. “Real magic doesn't work like that, Pinkie. People only get sucked into video games in bad fanfiction.”
“Um.” Fluttershy tightened her grip on her controller,
Sunset stared. “Don't tell me you write self insert Tirek fanfiction.”
“No.”
“Whew.” Rainbow Dash wiped her forehead in relief.
“I write Mortal Wombat fanfiction.”
“Y'know what? Forget I mentioned it.” Sunset said.
“Thanks.” Fluttershy said, and then looked back up at the screen. “Oh look! I think that's the multiplayer arena.”
“Finally!” Pinkie Pie dived for a spare controller and started mashing the start button with her palm. Again, nothing happened.
“ I think we have to go through the multiplayer tutorial, first.” Sunset said.
“Oh come on!” Pinkie Pie flailed in protest. “What do we even need tutoring for? Like, isn't the whole point of the game to run around and beat up bad guys?”
“Or each other! You're all going down!” Rainbow Dash said, only to look to the TV screen, where the armored, anonymous avatar went through another unskippable cutscene as she walked into the Arena of Thorns. “Eventually.”
'Eventually' turned out to be 'nine and a half minutes.' Longer, if one counted the time Rarity took to cycle through each character's color palletes in search of the most aesthetically pleasing combination. Still, extra controllers were passed out like cutlasses on a pirate ship, and the girls prepared themselves for inevitable multiplayer mayhem.
“Dibs on Tirek!” Rainbow Dash blurted as soon as the character select screen came up.
“You can't be Tirek.” Sunset said.
“But I called dibs!”
“It's not that, Rainbow-- you literally can't play as Tirek unless you buy the bonus DLC.”
“But he's on the cover!”
“He's also twenty bucks.”
“But that's ... really dumb.” Rainbow Dash shook her head. “I mean, Tirek's cool, but he's not twenty bucks cool.”
“At least there's a bunch of other characters to pick from.” Sunset gestured to the grid of character portraits onscreen as the other five girls made their picks.
“How come all the other characters look cooler than you, Sunset?” Rainbow Dash said. “Like, that dude's huge, that guy has a wizard beard, that girl is literally on fire, but you're just ... some lady in a helmet.”
“I think it's intentional.” Sunset said. “The Nameless Knight, the main character, is kind of a blank slate, so you can make up your own backstory? I mean, the way I play it, she's fighting Tirek so she can atone for past crimes-- like, she may have made some mistakes, but she doesn't want to destroy the world, you know? I'm just using my imagination to make it more interesting. Not like I'm projecting or anything.”
“Nobody said you were?” Rainbow Dash said. “Now hurry up and press start already!”
“Oh, right.” Sunset Shimmer picked her generic blank-slate character, and a set of bold, Gothic-lettered words flashed onto the screen.
PREPARE FOR FIGHT BATTEL
“Man, even I know that's not spelled right.” Rainbow Dash said.
“Okay, so the translation lacks nuance.” Twilight said with a slight wince.
“Where's this game from, anyway?” Applejack asked. “Mars?”
“Oh oh oh! I know! I know!” Pinkie Pie bounced in place. “What if these games are really made by the real evil beardy wizard Tirek from Sunset's dimension, and there's like subliminal messages in them designed to brainwash us all so we form a cult and do an evil ritual to bring him into our world and that would mean my mom was right about video games being bad for you all along!” Pinkie Pie took an uncharacteristic moment to think over what she just said, and then visibly deflated. “Aw. I don't wanna be an evil cultist! I bet those hooded robes are all itchy.”
“This game won't turn you into an evil cultist.” Sunset said.
“Unless you start arguing about it on the internet.” Twilight added on.
“Besides, mind control magic doesn't work that way,” said Sunset.
“Yeah, if anybody knows evil magic, it's you, right?” Rainbow Dash said, nudging Sunset with her elbow.
“Why don't we just play the game?” Sunset said, just as the screen started counting down.
3 ...
2 ...
1 ...
COMMENCE FIGHT BATTEL NOW
Multiplayer mayhem spilled forth.
“Wooo! Go time!” A pause. “What are we supposed to do again?”
“We fight, Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash nudged her friend.
“OOoooooh. Okay!” Pinkie Pie immediately ran her character into a bottomless pit.
“En garde, darlings!”
“Imma en garde you in the face!” Rainbow Dash clutched her controller tighter.
“That doesn't make any sense!” Rarity said.
“Being awesome doesn't have to make sense! Now, who's-- agghh! What was that?”
“Oh, sorry Rainbow. I couldn't help myself. I ... I hope you don't mind. You're not, um, mad at me, are you?”
“Pssh, that was just a lucky shot. Just let me get back in the fight and I'll-- WHAT? How did you even do that?”
“I told you I played a lot of Mortal Wombat.”
“How come my feller's slower n' cold molasses, but the rest of y'all are jumpin' 'round like squirrels on coffee?”
“Actually, Applejack, Sir Granite is intentionally the slowest but strongest of the multiplayer characters-- he's actually pretty popular with some of the upper-tier players contributing to the wiki.”
“Uh huh. Might've been nice to know that before I picked 'im.”
“I've heard the complexity is actually part of the game's appeal.” Twilight said. “You know, developing mastery over a new skill, kind of like playing an instrument.”
“But playing music is ... different.” Rarity said.
“Yeah, you're actually good at keytar!” Rainbow Dash said with a little cackle.
Applejack reached over and punched Rainbow in the arm.
“What? It was a compliment!”
"Thank you, Applejack." Rarity said.
“Oh oh oh!” Pinkie Pie perked up. “Do you think if we play this game really really hard we'll do that thing where we grow ears and tails and start glowing and stuff?” She started pushing buttons harder, faster. Despite her best efforts, no magical transformations were forthcoming. Her character also fell into the bottomless pit again.
“I don't think so.” Sunset Shimmer said. She'd been sticking to the edge of the arena, avoiding most of the gory mayhem happening onscreen.
“That's fine too!” Pinkie Pie said, blithe. “I mean, this game's not really our style so if it had any magic anyway it'd probably be all 'grr arg' angry and stuff. But we're just lucky all these super violent Tirek games weren't invented by an actual evil wizard with the sole purpose of spreading hatred and disharmony, right?”
The other six girls all went silent, and a particularly gory (if medically inaccurate) cutscene played out on the TV, with an emphasis on the “cut.” Multiple swords were involved.
By unspoken agreement, Sunset Shimmer turned off the console, and put her controller down. “I ... think that's enough gaming for now. Anyone wanna get ice cream?”
“As long as it doesn't have raspberry syrup on top.” Rarity said.
“Aw!” Pinkie said. “But that's the best part!”
Meanwhile, in Tartarus, a gnarled, hooded figure hunched over a scrying pool. He grit his teeth as he watched Sunset turn off her TV, and finally dismissed the image with a wave of his clawed hand.
“I knew I should have made a racing game instead.”
