The Secretary

by Snowybee

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Thriller, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Raven Inkwell, Profanity, Princess Celestia
Length: 10878

Raven does normal secretary work. Her boss is not normal, however. Can she keep up with Princess Celestia, the erratic immortal trying to keep the country and herself in one piece?

Raven is the freshly minted secretary to Princess Celestia. After plenty of harrowing experience under the Princess, Raven thinks she finally understands the job. But the unexpected strikes: an insular race of crazy foxes make a surprise visit to the castle! Can Raven make it through the day in one piece? Can she keep up with the manic immortal alicorn? And above all...

Can she keep it professional? She is, after all, the secretary.

***

Thanks to Alex_ And Mike!

An entry for some funny guy and his funny stories.

Published 2018-02-09 19:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-09 19:40:06 UTC

Like Fine Wine

On a day like any other, Princess Celestia took a puff from the pipe. In the derelict conference room, smoke filled the dead air, accompanied by the sounds of scribbles.

All her royal regalia lay brushed under the table before me. She sat in some yogi position on a phoenix down pillow, humming for focus. I lay curled up and belly up in a big, cushy princess chair, filling out notecards upon my trusty clipboard. A regular tobacco pipe hung from my lips; I didn’t quite need what the Princess needed, after all.

I’m Raven. The secretary. I do a lot around here, honestly. As the Princess said in the backroom after the little ceremony of my appointment, I’m the nanny with the ruler.

Let’s see…

‘Greetings, Director Dusty Day!’

Nah.

‘Good morning, Dir’

Hell no.

‘How are’

No! That’s just condescending. And I’m pretty condescending.

‘Howdy there’

‘You smell lovely’

Let’s go with ‘Greetings’.

Celestia, more ohms than an electrician, peeked from her meditation. Her eyes still bore heavy baggage. Sleep troubles lately. “Is it ready?”

I yawned. “Yeah. I just have to write it down.”

She raised a brow. “So… it’s not ready.”

“It’s all in here, baby.” I tapped my forehead with the quill.

“I don’t know Raven as a pony who gives good head, considering how many relationships she’s carved a warpath through.”

“Har. At least I don’t have cobwebs down here.”

“Like fine wine. Look, if you’re going to use an excuse a first-year’d pull on me for a late assignment, then you’d better have your resignation stapled to it.”

I scrunched my nose. What else should she say to butter these guys up? They were pissed. Pissed. After Tirek went on his little escapade, their small town of Los Aeros had been… somewhat forgotten. To our credit, the mistake only delayed disaster relief six hours. But in disaster time, that was a long-ass time. We needed to really lay it on them.

Someone tapped on the door. Celestia groaned in annoyance while I rubbed my eyes. We loathed to be disturbed during our morning prep session.

“Come in!” I shouted.

Judging by the heavy steps, it was Barred Hold. He’s one of Celestia’s personal guards in the palace. Hooves the size of dinner plates, one with nature. Impossible to sneak up on. He had more muscle in his scalp than the average unicorn their entire body.

He was also horrifically shy. The soft voice waded through all the smoke and haze of burning grass. “Um, I have a missive. From the bureau. They forgot something again.”

Celestia had gone back to meditating. Calm. Always calm. Never not. I waved Barr to come closer, and he moved as quietly as he could. We whispered back and forth.

“Hit me. What is it this time?” I was forever mentally prepared for my coworkers to fuck up. Nothing new under the Sun.

“The far east nation of Senko. A major clan in their land, the Taira, seek audience, but they forgot to put it on the bill when they scheduled a few months back.”

Oh.

Oh.

I checked my mental notes. Not much. I would normally have researched two weeks out. Had I known. Senko. They come from the continent in the East, just past Hippogriffia. They're a race of foxes, and fervently traditional. Very easy to offend. Very..

“You’re sweating,” Barr oh-so-helpfully pointed out. He yanked his face away from mine when it became clear that my personal space turned to a shark tank. “I’ll, uh, have Bristle be on standby,” he said as he made a fadeaway to the door.

I got up and started to pace. Celestia still remained in La La Land.

“Okay. Okay. Library. Library. World studies. Pray it’s up to date. As if we had much Equish literature on the East. Okay.”

Figuring I had time to finish the Los Aeros script, she piped up. “How about now, pupil? Is your—”

“FINE! Everything will be fine!”

Her eyes shot open. I was still caught up in panic mode. She trembled in fear. Cautious, she flittered over to me. Her wingbeats tossed all my paperwork about, but it was all useless filler anyways.

“H-how bad is it?” she mumbled. “Talk to me, Raven. How boned are we?”

“Mares in heat. I repeat, mares in heat.”
“M-Mares in— Raven. Breathe, Raven. Look at me.”

When I didn’t cease pacing, she grabbed me and looked into my eyes. Glossy, thousand yard stare. “Research. Research.”

She shook me. “Snap out of it!”

No luck.

Unceremoniously did she slap me. I sputtered and came to my senses. Grabbing her hoof in mine and going forehead to forehead, I bore down. “We have two hours. Senko. Fox people or some shit. Traditional. No time!” I hissed.

We both nodded. The dynamic duo rolled out. We had a habit of trying to get out the door side by side, only to get stuck.

“Move it, you bleached cow!”

“Suck it in, little piglet.”

“Your udder’s sagging.”

Otherwise, the rapport was strong.

We didn’t waste time informing the two guards at the door. Barr and Bristle followed close behind. We moved as fast as we could to the Royal Canterlot Library without looking like we were in a hurry. The defunct meeting room we left behind was in a mostly-abandoned wing in the back of the castle made into the custodial centre. The mop and bucket mares never gossiped when they caught us shitslinging, thankfully.

But those Royal Guards? Like school fillies.

Me and her wore painfully wide smiles as we trotted along. My legs were dangerously coiled, ready to go full-sprint any second. Celestia had more composure, but I could see her lips trembling. Passing guards shot us proud salutes and salutations.

“Morning, Princess Celestia!”

“Good morning to you, Lieutenant.”

“How’re you ladies?”

“We’re peachy, jack.”

“Praise the sun!”

“It’s indeed a bright one today!”

“Workin’ hard, Raven?”

“Moohs hardness scale ain’t got nothing on this.”

“Yeah, it’s been a thing for a couple weeks. If you come to the castle at night, you hear this ghostly wailing in the ha— Oh! Morning, Princess!”

“...”

“How come the old lady’s all sweaty?”

I almost lost it. Fortunately, it happened to be my good friend Bristleback who said that to us.

So I had no problem backhoofing him in the face.

After laying the fool out, I looked up to see that we’d found the Library’s rear private entrance. Celestia multi-tasked the opening of the door and the recovery of the blubbering pegasus guard. “Look alive, my friends. We have much to do,” she said with that princess-y tone of hers. Me and Barr stood at attention accordingly.

Bristleback, meanwhile, nursed his cheek. He was an iron-grey flyer, full of the ‘tude that you’d expect in a young punk. “Geez, Raven. Mare in heat much?”

He was wise to me and the Princess’s relationship. I regret telling him our ‘Code Red’, given the liberty in which he quipped on it. I sighed deeply. “Yes, Bristle. Keep an eye out, okay? Turn anyone away if they’re looking for the Princess.”

“Sure thing. Can’t have any stank-ass cougars acting up and threatening Her Highness’s safety, after all.”

“Excuse me—”

Click!

“Alright! We’re in,” Celestia piped up. Her magic pulled me and Bristle along and shut the door behind us. “Come, come. No time for chit chat.”

Me and her spread out once inside while the guys held position at the door. The dead quiet of the enchanted walls, the bleak ghostflame candlelight… It led one to believe that some eldritch truths were contained within this place. Some world-changing secret hidden between the neat shelves and hardcovers. The seed which the greatest story never told could blossom.

Really, it was just the first editions of what the public had. You really think we’d keep stuff that’s important in the castle?

Hush hush. Still, it was a fairly well-protected wing.

So I thought. I happened to pass by a hidey-hole lounge between the history and engineering shelves, and there, in the armchair, I saw a black clad figure, mask off and turned back like a ballcap. Curled up like most quadrupeds would around a book, they munched with their canine mouth a little too happily on a Sweet Apple Apple likely stolen from the kitchen.

We both were surprised to have met, to put it lightly. Knives clashed with magic in a neat deflection. I felt them slice just a hair deep into my cheek, where my blast knocked her hood back and singed some fur. Exchanging glances of disbelief, we loosed more attacks.

The fox vaulted off the cushy chair magnificently, using apple core and book alike to block my missiles. Likewise, I channeled my inner square dancer as the knives thunked into the stone floor, just missing my leg tendons with their lethal precision. I think. Benefit of the doubt made it feel more exciting!

“You're good!” cried the fox in strangely fluent Equish. She didn't seem at all worried after the initial shock. “Didn't think you'd torch your own property though, stranger-san.”

I blinked. Indeed, the book. The one smoldering on the floor, titled ‘Senko Customs Vol. 1’.

“Fuck,” I hissed to myself. Already did I kick myself for reacting like that. “Why are you reading about yourself in the first place?! Who are you?”

She sidled up the wall behind her, tail flicking like a housecat at play. “Just seeing what you might know, stranger-san. Though it seems you're a little late on your homework. Whoever you are, you're disadvantaged!”

My horn flared, though in reality my mind raced for a plan instead of to fight. She didn't know my standing here. If she was with the Taira guys, a spy, perhaps I could…

“I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just pissed that you made me hurt a perfectly good book. As a proud librarian, it's the gravest of all crimes!”

The youngun’ blinked. “Librarian? Nani? They said that a glasses mare was the puppet ruler of this nation.” Her face paled. “Y-you didn't hear that. Look, you got me. I'm cornered. Just put that protuberance away!”

I grinned internally. “Nuh uh. I'll just wait here until a guard happens by. I'm not letting a intruder-turned-vandal outta my sight.”

“As if you need one to finish me off,” she said… Smugly? “Those were not the moves of some old librarian lady I saw. You expect me to believe that?”

“Bitch, you don't know how hard core Equestrian librarial system is. Try me.”

She glanced around for an opening. Definitely starting to sweat. I pressed on.

“See, we don't take kindly to overdue books. Bent page corners? Forty caning for each. Book burning, though? Perish the thought. The foals always ask where the return slot goes. Wanna find out?”

I wore my best evil grin, and might have drooled a little through it. Perhaps I had some suppressed urges. Either way, the little fox was quaking in her boots as I bore down on her.

“L-look, go easy stranger-s-sama. I'm already on thin ice with the master shinobi. I can make it… worth your while…” — her hind legs parted a little and nope nope — “... If you look the other way.”

A fool am I. The distraction worked, and a swift flip kick made me see stars. The spell at the tip of my horn went off like a gunshot, and before I knew it the fox had bounded off the wall and scurried in between the shelves.

Celestia and Bristle found me soon enough.

“Raven! Are you well?”

“Whoa, wicked daggers. Yoink.”

I brushed past them. “Gonna find that little shit and make me a new rug when I'm through with her,” snarled I.

Bristle flew in my way. “Whoa! You're bleeding and your horn’s well done. Let's calm down and regroup,” he said firmly.

His make resolve stood no chance in the face of my feminine rage. Just a glare made him get outta my way.

The Princess wasn't that easy. She teleported in front of me, face expressionless. “Raven.”

“Celestia.”

“That book. My catalog spell indicates that… That was all we had.”

I winced. “Of course it is. Look, they sent a spy to figure out what we knew about them. I doubt the copy is still in the public wing, and the confidential is too far away. We’re gonna have to wing it.”

Then, her eyes narrowed. “And you’re hurt.”

My spine straightened out. As much as I wanted to lash out myself, I couldn’t let her do it. “I’m fine, Celestia. I’ve gotten worse papercuts. Let’s just—”

“Who?”

“P-pardon?”

Barr showed up just in time for the chilly word. “Who gets to feel the sting of the mighty Sunflayer for this crime?”

Her tone drove the two guards to cower with their tails tucked and ears pinned.

I leered back at Celestia. “No. No Sunflayer. If you gotta take your anger out, take it out on the asteroid belt.”

“No, that’s not good—”

“We’ve talked about this! No. Sunflayer.”

“But—”

“Don’t make me get the ruler.”

“Fine. No Sunflayer, no promises.”

“Fine.”

At that, Celestia wordlessly led us out of the library.

Bristle hurried up by my side as we followed behind. “Yo, is she always like that when ponies get hurt on her watch? Like, we’re guards. Hurt’s the job description. I didn’t see her smite my drill sergeant, that’s for sure.”

“Baby,” Barr coughed.

I shrugged. “I’m the secretary. Like, in a game of chess, I’m the king. Celestia’s the queen. My fat ass can only move one space at a time. If I’m ever in a position to get hurt? To her, that’s a royal fuck-up.”

“Oh? So we’re just pawns and shit?” Bristle groused.

“No. She cares deeply about your lives. She just accepts that you’re bad at not getting hurt, bad enough to take a job in the military. She’s very accepting of her little ponies.”

Barr harrumphed. “Beats dealing with the creeps and weirdos in a locked room.”

I didn't say it, but I do kinda miss living a normal life.

***

The Senko filled into the room with their snouts straight up.

I found it odd to meet a canine race with any semblance of dignity. The entourage of their ‘lord’ entered first. That's something I could get behind. They all wore colorful pastel robes over their earthy-hued bodies and rings on their tails, curtailing the ugly bushy look. Two even wore glasses, and one with a monocle squinted at me for the fraction of a moment.

I might have been a little vindictive from the first impression. On edge, too. I didn't have time to be on cloud nine due to healing magic, so the bandages on my legs were a dead giveaway. No doubt this ‘lord’ would find out that I fibbed.

We weren't sure how to entertain these people. A band played our dustiest, most crotchety Equestrian music we set up a dining table with our most exquisite zap sheep cushions, saved in storage except for only the most dire occasions. It was said that the wool relaxed tired rears weary from… travel, among other things. We also had tea and crumpets.

The entourage eyed the chairs with distaste. One by one, they grabbed the cushions in their teeth and kicked the chairs back, placing them upon the floor to sit. Celestia tapped a hoof readily, and Bristle and Barr ran to each corner of the table, carefully gnawing the legs down to size. It often caught guests off guard, but we made these tables out of crystalline crystal salt for these exact occasions.

Not to mention that it was a delicacy for all ungulates, but that was classified. Me and Celestia did the same as the foxes and observed with bated breath. A total of six foxes had entered, leaving two seats in the center open.

“Hail His Everlasting Majesty,” cried Monocle with his flabby jaw. All the of the entourage bowed their heads, one guy snacking on a crumpet discreetly. “Warrior of Eleven Tails, Hero of Stonescar Ridge, Emissary of Free Love, Conqueror of Pickle Jars and Harbinger of Peace, Lord Taira.”

I blinked. Celestia seemed amused. It did strike me as something she’d have called herself, if propriety here would allow.

And in came a tiny old fox. Slate grey, bushy brows and a wide-brim strawhat, he shuffled in with the aid of a blindfolded white vixen wearing an excessive amount of necklaces. The old guy grunted every time she stepped on his paws, but otherwise he seemed perfectly… zen.

“Konnichiwa, Princess Celestia,” he said warmly, taking a deep bow. The Princess stood momentarily to do the same.

“Good afternoon! I see you’ve all made it well. I formally welcome you to Equestria,” she said in business tone.

I couldn’t stop watching the blindfolded one, though. She fumbled for her cushion, pawing at the laps to the, ahem, delight of the dogs she stepped on. Yet, they stared straight ahead, sweating and shuffling as she angrily cursed in her language trying to find her seat. I desperately wanted to help, but that she went this long without from her peeps made that seem like a faux pas.

“I am glad that you receive us so warmly! It has been centuries since our people have gone beyond the Hōseki Ocean, at least formally. We are heartbroken to — ow — see such destruction across your land, but — itai — are heartened to see the unity in your people.”

Blindy seemed frustrated, and she took it out on whatever she happened to step on, like potted plant or Taira’s tail. The entourage murmured and coughed, actively ignoring her antics.

I raised a hoof. “Th-thank you for your kind words. I feel this is the start of a beautiful friendship already! And would it be remiss to ask where your travels take you?”

Blindy yanked the Shady philodendron from its pot and made a seat of the soil by the door. She smiled joyfully, then replied to me. “You already answered your own question! We are on a journey of friendship. It is us who’d be remiss to not share our hospitality and grace with the world.”

Bristle’s cheeks puffed like he needed to piss. I knew how he felt.

Celestia chuckled pleasantly. “That is a worthy cause for adventure if I’ve ever heard one. Let us speak as friends, then!”

Taira saw the chuckle and raised her a toast. “Indeed! It is most exciting to meet a fellow immortal, one cut from a different cloth than I. I was growing bored of my neighbors back home, I must confess.”

The mood changed instantly. That, and Blindy dropped her teacup in Taira’s lap, the burning wince overpowering his cheer. That kinda helped darken things.

Monocle nodded his head at us. “Before I continue, let me introduce myself. I am…”

Blindy gagged loudly to spite the guy. “Don’t you even, Jugemu.”

Deflated, he went on. “...Jugemu. I ask if the rumors are true. Is the Princess truly an immortal? Or is she yet another egomaniac caught up in vanity; greed of the material?”

Taira frowned deeply. “Forgive Jugemu for his rudeness. I value his skepticism, nonetheless. Though I feel it to be true, my friends want to be convinced in ways they can understand.”

“One who plasters her image upon her realm oft takes for granted what she brings to the table,” Jugemu said with thinly veiled scorn. “To lay claim to the sun, no less? Arrogance!”

Taira rumbled quietly. Wisely, Jugemu shut his mouth before any more acting up.

On the other side of us, Barr shifted. It was slight, likely invisible to the untrained eye. He detested lip at Celestia, though.

So did I.

Celestia acted fast, noticing our outrage. “It is no easy task to prove oneself immortal to another who cannot comprehend it. The young ones never heed their elders and only gain respect for them until they too reach that age. Only, no one ever reaches mine. Ours. To see lifetimes go by like blossoms in the wind, where, to a mortal, a life lost is insurmountable tragedy. It is almost unspeakable, that loss. Many dedicate their life to finding the words. But for an immortal, they can never find the words… Words nowhere to be found but within.”

Such a moving speech. The whole room found their breaths and hearts stolen. Even Lord Taira wore an eerily peaceful expression.

Then Blindy opened her mouth. “Yes, yes, definitely immortal. Heaven knows they all have a whole lot of nothing to say and much more to angst about.”

“Tayo,” Taira said with little reservation. All the ones in the entourage, even Jugemu, stiffened in fright. “Show respect, at least for our first meeting. To have lived for such a long time is commanding of respect, even from you.”

Tayo stuck her tongue out. “My wonderful husband, you disrespect me! Would you take offense if I openly showed contempt for ants on a picnic basket? Prithee, be honest. You wouldn’t.”

Except she was looking the wrong way, at Barr no less. Not even turning her head enough for the guy right next to her. He bit his lip from the intensely blind stare, shy as he was.

Taira sighed. “Forgive Tayo, my wife. She is of the highest esteem, but she lacks the mores of her station. Surely you can sympathize?”

Me and Celestia looked to each other at once, looking away when we happened to catch each other. Ah, he knew well.

Celestia smiled widely. “All is forgiven. Nay, it’s refreshing to have such a candid commentary. I can prattle the most supercilious and pretentious things to the applause of my little ponies. If anything, I might have been getting a little lazy on my lonesome if it weren’t for Raven.”

My ears perked. Tayo and Taira both hefted their wordly gazes upon me. It felt like a thousand prunes and bingo cards were crawling over my back. The — the oldness. Of all things, that convinced me that they were somehow also immortal.

“She is a fine mare,” Taira breathed. “Tell me, is she your wife?”

You could hear the breeze through a bobby pin’s head.

Bristle snorted. He his stoic frown teetered on the brink. Barr already lost it, smiling a dopey smile like this were some romance novel.

But I was mortified. I couldn’t even look at Celestia, and instead found myself a deer caught in the headlights. That combination of words tasted foul foul foul. Unthinkable. Impossible. Was I even speaking? I forced my mouth to work. “Absolutely not!” I croaked. “I-I’m—”

“Raven is most definitely my keeper, but,” Celestia said with pride. Yet, as she read off her script, it became more and more perforated. “You are… mistaken. She’s my royal librarian, is all. Consider me a bookworm. I appreciate her enthusiasm for meeting new races, and the tone seemed cordial enough to allow her to sit in.”

Tayo shook her head. “Tsk. ‘Tis painfully typical. ‘Tis.”

I couldn’t help it. I wanted to wipe the grin off that vixen’s face. “While we’re on this prying track, I wouldn’t mind knowing why you wear a blindfold when you clearly still trip over yourself. Badmouthing my Princess is something only a fool like you could do. Oh? And it’s poetic how you step all over those around you, you shrew.”

The entourage gasped. Tayo’s mouth hung open as if she just ate a junebug. Hackles raised, she did her best to show some restraint. She pawed at her kimono and shrugged off Taira’s comfort. At last, she turned to look right at me. Directly. “I should ask of you the same. Why do you live like I do? So, so blind, dear Raven. A lady who cannot see where her steps fall is pitiable.”

Weapons. Weapons. A crumpet. I threw it. It pasted its buttery hide upon Tayo’s fuzzy mug. Jugemu and the others shot up but stood by, as was their inclination concerning the lady. Their distaste was palpable. Taira wheezed in laughter. Celestia’s jaw hung open. I hadn’t looked at her until then. Her cheeks were a little… rosy.

And then, a little puff of flame flickered to being, grew little arms, took the crumpet and threw it back at me.

It ran itself through upon my horn. Butter bled into my vision. Me and Tayo stared each other down, caught in pure disbelief.

Celestia rose her hoof. “If we could all please—”

And then a whole plate of crumpets cramped her princess-y style. Taira stood, frozen at the tail end of his throw.

Bristle took to the air. “Food fight!”

Well then.

Not like the first time it came to this.

I laid my head upon the table as confectionary punishment rained upon me.

***

Around sunset,we met back up with the Senko. Me and Tayo made it a point to not speak, which made the ensuing stroll in the gardens with Celestia and Taira a touch awkward.

We found ourselves at the Gumptious Gazette Gazebo after some idle chit chat about tea prep and crochet. Old people stuff. As much as Tayo squirmed with impatience, I began to doubt she was ‘immortal’ too.

“It is quite creamy when prepared this way. It gives life! Energy!”

“Ah, but steeping the leaves gives a more delicate flavor and is easier to prepare, assuming it is deft hooves doing so.”

“Ah! Let us rest our old bones, yes?”

Celestia giggled. “Let’s. Even though my heritage keeps these joints hardy, the weight of one’s thoughts keeps one humble in this age.”

Tayo helped Taira sit first, allowing the smaller fox to lean upon her. Envious, I sidled up to Celestia even though she didn’t need it. She yelped in surprise at my invasion of her space, but with a wan smile let me take her hoof as she sat. Tayo smirked for a flash as she nestled by her husband.

I couldn’t bring myself to match that. So, like some damned wallflower I stood off to the side.

Celestia whined. “Aren’t you going to relax? It’s been a long day.”

“Gotta keep the stragglers off you so you can relax. You forget that my shift ends when the slippers come off.”

Clank c-clank clank.

“They’re off now, Raven.”

Tayo giggled.

I kept my back turned. Why did I feel so tense? I mean, seeing Celestia shoeless was weird. It made her look taller. And I was forever jealous of her earth pony hooves. They were pretty. Unicorn hooves needed polish to shine.

Gah. Stop thinking, just stop feeling. I’m the secretary.

“Don’t mind me!” I said. “And put your shoes back on. You know I don’t mean it literally.”

“You never mean anything,” Celestia groused. “Oh, it was just a joke. A turn of phrase. Stop trying to sound like an Equish major with me, Raven. You know I pay you to mean it.”

Taira snickered. “You sound like how Tayo and I sounded once, bless her heart. Youth is magical, that it is.”

It seemed like Taira banked on being lovable, because all my rude responses shot themselves down whenever it came to that guy. I just huffed. “So if you’re immortal, what does that make her? You made it sound like she was too.”

“I’m not. I celebrated by twenty-ninth birthday recently. I simply had a run-in with another immortal. It opened my eyes.”

Huh. She actually decided to talk. I swished my tail, still pretending to be on the lookout. “Is that why you wear that?”

“Indeed. I can see, but I choose not to. Consider it my way of rejecting a gift. Surely you understand.”

Celestia blew a raspberry. “You wouldn’t believe how hard this mare makes it to shop for her. She willingly lives in a one-bedroom apartment to save money. Always says there’s no space in her home!”

“I’m a thrifty hoe, as one ex put it,” I said.

“Thrifty… hoe,” Taira mumbled. “Ah! What a catchy name! I do believe my brother needed a name for his business. He makes tools, you see.”

Shoot. Ah, but I knew Celestia knew what ‘hoe’ meant around here—

“A fine name indeed! I highly recommend it,” she chirped.

Crap. I suppose I could let it slide. I appreciated a good prank.

Lord Taira chuckled with dusky warmth. Just when I thought a silence settled in, I heard his robes rustle. I looked back just to be sure it wasn’t a weapon or something.

He held a flute. It shimmered like the bed of a lake, and the breeze thrummed upon the holes. Celestia eyed it curiously. Tayo frowned.

“This is a flute handed down through generations of my family,” Taira began. “A creation called the Reverie. I feel that you earned the right to hear its notes!”

I squinted at the strange instrument. “What's the catch? Can I be sure that this is just a game of show and tell?”

“Maaattari, Raven,” Tayo pled. “The Reverie is a sacred object. One of many, before you ask why he carries it in his pocket. We begged Taira to leave it behind, but he cannot part with his flute.”

“The notes soothe the soul,” he elaborated. “They hearken the deepest memories of those who hear it, guaranteeing a good night of sleep. For transparency’s sake, it is indeed capable of putting listeners to sleep, but I am not so nefarious. I would not make it out of this place in piece if I tried such a thing if your concubine represents all of your loyal servants!”

“Now that's just rude.” I was ready for that disgusting blabber at least. Eh, I was in a good mood too. Why not some humor? “Demoted from wife, am I?”

Celestia’s wings rustled when she smiled. “The lip of this old coot! Do we consummate to the sweet sounds of the flute to correct this erroneous old fox?”

Regret. I gave a crooked smile. “I-I'm no exhibitionist!”

Taira’s hearty laugh made for a pickup note. The very first tone sapped the panic from my muscles. The birds hushed at the sound so much more quiet than the silence.

Taira paused. He peeked through his brow at Celestia. “You look tired. Does sleep normally elude you?”

Her eyes grew cold as the cosmetic charm momentarily revealed her exhaustion. “It's all a waking dream. A dream I can do nothing in. I simply watch. I think real rest would be a wonderful gift if this Reverie is true.”

I didn't care for when she got all flowery. She liked to deflect with her nonsense. Always push and pull with her. But Taira nodded knowingly.

And then, he played.

Not a sound came from it. Only wetness, the lapping of waves. I looked around. I felt nothing. The garden had vanished. Icebergs floated upon the sea to replace the greenery, and a barge sailed into the distance.

He’d come home, though.

I ambled over to the Princess. Salty sting mixed with her sweet scent as I buried my face into her. I couldn’t tell what she was feeling, I never could.

“Wake me up when he gets back.”

Sweet dreams.

***

I blinked twice. Thrice. We were at the gazebo. Celestia was alert as well, though sprawled on her side. She craned her long neck about and found me staring back.

My tie. It was balled up under my head like a pillow. All of Celestia's slippers lay in disarray. The Senko were nowhere to be found.

“Trippy,” I hoarsed. I couldn't pony up the willpower to stand up quite yet.

Celestia’s nose flared. “I’m glad your okay. Oh, if that fossil and his little skank hurt you— Ugh. I was just paranoid. I shouldn’t say things like that.”

I warbled in amusement. I wasn't sure what a voice was. “You can say what you want, hun. No boundaries with me. No boundaries with them. Urk. I feel like I ate some bog shrooms.”

The alicorn got up in a jiffy and stepped into each slipper. “You must still be out of it. Lowering the sun took a lot out of me, if you’re wondering why I fell on my ass. They didn't do anything untoward, don’t worry. Sunflayer would have words if they did.”

I kicked my legs aimlessly. “No Sunflayer. Okay, maybe a little.”

Celestia shook her mane out. “I got so caught up in the moment and let him overwhelm you with that magic. I wanted to hear more, but didn’t notice you’d curled up on me. Forgive me, Raven.”

“But why did you? They're obviously a little shady, considering that ninja from earlier.” But she knew that. Why would she — hm. “Is… Is he really immortal?”

She gritted her teeth. “He is. To find an immortal that's neither crazy nor evil got my hopes up. As for that intruder, Tayo claimed one of Taira's entourage hired her. Which one, he is not certain. It seems Tayo is a source of contention amongst them.”

“Wait, you had the time to talk about all that? Was I…”

The moon was up. Duh.

Celestia giggled. “Look at you. Not often that you're one who forgets the time of day.”

“Shut up, you bleached cow.” I managed to get to my hooves but then stumbled. Celestia moved to catch me, but I regained balance on my own. That didn’t stop her from pressing up against me. I didn’t protest. “S-sorry. I messed up. I shouldn’t have let myself fall asleep. If something happened, it’d be on me.”

“Shut up. I’m an alicorn. I’m literally made to protect you.”

“No, you eat a big, fat one. I’m the secretary, damn it. Mistakes are a sin. Today was just one big mistake.” I shook my head. I wanted to spit, even. Spit upon this worthless secretary! Sure, I had self loathing after rough days that never quite went away. That’s normal, right? Self esteem’s like a garbage can. The more shit you throw in it, the more it stunk as time went on, even if it was empty.

Celestia cupped my cheek and looked into my eyes. I expected some mirth, some more banter. I got sadness instead. “Raven, you’re my secretary. You do more than your fair share. A single ‘mistake’ of yours is the result of a dozen by me. I’m so unbelievably honored you’d hold yourself to such a standard for my sake, that you’d be so willing to defend my honor, but you’re my secretary. You don’t need to be more.”

Fuck that. I knew I could have done better. I could always do better. If I didn’t, that’d just be another failure. How could she talk down to me? Sugar coat it? Was I that awful to her? I pulled away and made for the front of the garden. Celestia rushed back to my side as I huffed and puffed on my way. I hurried up more. “Look, just— Ugh! I have to wrap up court. You just do whatever it is you do at night. Shoo.”

Celestia gasped. “How dare you take that tone with your Princess! I’m only trying to make you feel better, and all I get is your shit. Typical. If it’d please you to know, I already had Kibitz and Tricky take care of it. I thought you’d might like an early night, you ungrateful cretin.”

“T-Tricky?!” I cried. “My sister. You literally hoofed her another thing to hold over me, way to go. Woo hoo. Lovely.”

A petulant growl turned into a calming, though, desperate, breath. Celestia chewed her lip as she looked at me like I was some three-headed mutant. “Don’t be a brat. That’s something she’d really wanna tease you about. Are you at least willing to allow me to ease my conscious?”

“Shoot.”

“You can have my bed tonight.”

“I— what? What? No, that’s crazy. You’re crazy.”

She pressed on. “The most comfortable bed in Equestria. I know you’re still feeling the jetlag. And I don’t sleep anyways. Someone ought to be using it.”

“No. Absolutely not! N—”

I stumbled on a rock, but Celestia caught me in both forelegs, leaving us in a suspicious pose. Me, draped in her arms, her face close to mine. She spoke softly. “No one will see you. Your career survived dinner at McHay’s with me, it’ll survive a sleepover.”

I shook my head wildly. “Nope nope nope. I draw the line there. We’re close, but we’re not that close. We can’t just be best fillyfriends here. I’m just an enabler. I’m a secretary. You’re right. I’ll do my job and nothing more.”

It seemed so matter of fact. So why did it look like I just slapped her in the face? Her hold slackened, and it wasn’t no trust fall. I got to my hooves before she dropped me and kept on walking. She didn’t follow. Not a peep. She stared at her hooves. Wings sagged.

I sighed. “Look, I found this place. It’s called, uh, the Tasty Treat. Wanna come with?”

She looked pained through the window of her mane. The offer did seem to ease it a little. “I’d love to come. But you still seem dizzy. I still have things to wrap up here, too, and I don’t want you going alone like that. If you’d—”

“I-I can make it,” I said, weak. “I insist. I’ll go on ahead. You, uh, do your thing.”

She took the hint. “I suppose I dote far too much. I’ll see you there.”

I didn’t look back this time.

***

To be honest, it was a hole in the wall. I was so sleepy that I just couldn’t remember the route I memorized. Caffeinated Raven could find the place like it were a hair on her leg, but not I. Around eight, and the place bustled.

A kinky-haired mare blew up in my sight when I approached. “Hello, hello! Welcome to the Tasty Treat, where our treats are sweet, sleek and all you can eat! But would you care to hear of the specials?”

Before I could process this, some rude fellow sidled from behind the mare and pushed past me. A pungent scent invaded my nostrils and I couldn’t help but cough. “Urk, cologne…”

She quickly dusted me off and glared after the the trenchcoat guy. “Om kuay!” she barked. “Rude Canterlotians… Oh! Forgive him, bless. Perhaps we do not know of his struggles,” said she sheepishly. “Forgive my language! Anywho, a table for one? The beverage will be on the house.”

I blinked. “Uh, for two.”

“Right this way!”

She sat me and him down lickety split. The dim candles couldn’t keep the luster from that beautiful mane of his, and his eyes, oh his eyes…

Pardon me, but I stared into them as this Marsala chick prattled on about the specials.

“Enjoying our night on the town?” he said oh so smoothly.

“Y-yeah.” Mama help me. I could barely formulate a reply!

Marsala cleared her throat. “I asked what you’d like! It is definitely loud in the house tonight, so speak up!”

“She’ll have the tofu satay and rice,” he said strong and clear.

Marsala leaned in expectantly. She went from impatient to concerned. “Well? Are-are you well? Dear?”

I grunted. “He said we’re both having the tofu satay.”

“He?”

“My fiance.”

She glanced at him. “O-okay. Um, sit tight, please. I’ll, um, have it right out.”

Just as she turned around, this fat guy ran straight into her. “S-Saffron! The Princess! She visits our humble establishment!”

“Princess Celestia?! Oh my goodness. Oh. My. Goodness.”

I couldn’t… quite… stay in my seat…

From above, I found him and the waitress mare clamoring over me.

“Dear, are you alright? That was some work day,” he said.

“I-I’ll take her to the back, father. I think she might be, um, wasted.”

Wasted?

Huh.

I needed to sleep it off.

Take that nap, dear. I blinked and then I was amongst spice racks. My head slumped over, and I saw a black clad fox creeping near.

“Take a nap, dear.”

***

Well shit.

I woke up. I had the most wonderful dream, the most wonderful break from being awake, and this is what it gets me?

I sandwiched my face between the bamboo bars of the cage. The cave was dark. A shinobi sat across from me, campfire burning. His metal paw stoked it as he watched me.

“Ah, there she is. It seems our concoction does indeed work best on those who’ve heard the Reverie,” he said.

I rolled my eyes. “Typical. I knew Lord Taira couldn’t be trusted.”

He laughed his derision. “Think before speaking, whelp. First you speak to the Lady of Sacrifice, and then you accuse our Lord of deception. No, it was Sir Jugemu who ordered us. Lord Taira is far too kind to do what needs to be done.”

“Odd that a villain like you’d try to make your boss look good to his victims.”

“Would you use such makeshift defenses as you imply I am using to defend your Princess’s honor?” he growled. “I speak only truth. I speak openly, because my victory is already assured.”

“Nice. You caught the librarian. Way to go. Now our decimal system is all yours. Lemme just say, the best way to torture us is to go for our precious books.”

He glared from behind his spooky demon mask. “You talk too much. I cannot fathom what you are to the heretic Princess, but Sir Jugemu assures me that she will come if it is you whom we bargain with.”

My heart began to race. He was not wrong. “Do you really think you can take on the Princess of the Sun? What, you lure her here? Then what? Kick dirt in her face?”

“She will surrender for your safety. She will inhale our concoction. Even a being like her will be felled through the power of the Reverie which we will call upon.”

Concoction. Inhale. The rude guy. Yet another mistake by me. And Celestia was going to pay for it. My hooves trembled. “B-but why? How did you know?”

“Lord Taira mistakenly told us that he used the flute,” the fox said plainly. “It was clear that he grew fond of you two, and that was why Sir Jugemu was forced to act. Now I, Irokai, the Master Shinobi, shall carry out his will.”

I gulped. “Master my ass. That fuck up from before—”

“Watch your tongue,” he hissed. “None shall speak ill of my own but me. Only I get to call her that.”

“Cute.”

“Silence. Behave yourself. I have preparations to make.” He stood up in a sweep, his tail snuffing the flame. Alone in the dark, alone with my thoughts, I began to cry.

For awhile.

“H-Hello?” said a meek and familiar voice. “Is that you, Stranger-san?”

I tended to ugly cry and thanked the heavens it was dark. I drank in my snot and wiped my cheeks. “It’s y-you. Here to taunt me too?”

“No. I-I heard you crying. Like, I don’t— I can’t stand the sound of it. It’s pathetic, that’s what.”

“Heh. You don’t sound so su-sure of yourself.”

She gasped. “Why you— Look, I’m a sap. It’s fine when a big ugly mug cries from a cheap shot, but not a cute librarian lady. It’s not what I became a shinobi for!”

My horn lit up. I found the vixen hanging from above, hind paws clinging to a stalactite. Her eyes were a little puffy. “Ha. Heh heh.” I choked back another laugh. “Sorry. I can’t believe I’m being pitied by the enemy. This day is just pissing in my cereal like no other.”

With a swing, she flipped and landed at the door of my cage. “I’m Gizō. And I’m a shinobi, damn it. We protect the weak, not use them!”

“Are you calling me weak, hoe?”

Gizō flicked her tail in annoyance. “Well, yeah. I thought you were hot stuff earlier, but now I’m not so sure, you crybaby. Master says you’re more important than they let on. Why would a princess, even a heretic one, keep someone like you close?”

Ah. Going back to the cool act. I played along. “How come Master Edgelord keeps YOU around?”

“Don’t answer a question with a question!”

“It’s the same kind,” I said. “There must be more to you.”

“I only have one tail,” she said firmly. “My magic is weak. I can only use one spell a day. They said the Sun does not favor me. They said no warrior could get by with magic like that. So I don’t fight fair. I fight SMART. I keep up. Master knows I’m talented. He knows there’s more to a warrior than power.”

“That cooch maneuver kinda explained how you operate well enough.”

She blushed bright. “W-well, I thought only smelly dudes fell for that! I guess the shock works on anyone.”

My lips tightened. “I like your style. I’m Raven. My magic is strong, but hard to control. I got expelled from Celestia’s School, too. I went north and did admin work for a bunch of assholes. I learned how to play the board, so to speak. Even though I sometimes lose my cool, I never let them have the last laugh. I’m always prepared, and I got my Princess of her lazy, cake-eating ass and made her into something resembling a normal Princess. But the beauty is that she’s the most abnormal pony in Equestria. And she’s my boss.”

Gizō’s eyes sparkled. “S-sugoi… Raven, you got spirit. Lord Taira is my lord, and no one else. I’m sick of being a lackey. And I’m sick of Master only caring about the riches. From now on, I will be more like you. But…”

I cocked my head. “What?”

Gizō tapped her chin as she looked me over. “What are you, again? Not a librarian. I’m certain that was a lie.”

I took a deep breath. “I’m—”

A flash of blue from behind. My shadow stretched across the floor, another, unfamiliar one looming over it. Gizō shouted. I turned. A rush of wind and black, and then I found myself face to face with Celestia. Barr and Bristle stood close behind, already glaring hard at me. No, at him.

Cold steel touched at my throat. “The mare is dead, should you make one wrong move.”

Bristle was quick to throw out his wings. Deadly precise wing blades met quick parries from that little flame sprite, like Tayo had before. Barr stamped and snorted, ever patient.

“You got a lotta nerve,” Bristle growled, shivering with anticipation. “Been waiting for someone eager to be my next pincushion.”

Celestia spread her wings. Head ever high, she looked down upon Irokai. “You shall be disappointed, dear Lieutenant Bristleback, but I must claim him for myself.”

The fox howled in laughter. And to my shock, many more howled back. All around us, masked shinobi emerged from between the shadows and branches. And in their paws, they brandished menacing…

Perfume bottles.

I snorted. And laughed.

I died.

Celestia did not have a mood for humor.

Bristle was already collapsed on his side, hootin’ something fierce.

Barr stood there like it was a false alarm.

But Irokai seemed sure that he had won. “Do not underestimate the Brew Master’s craft, you heretics. Even a breath of his Reverium will spell doom for you.”

I waved my tail at Bristle. “Yeah-ha-hah, and then they'll hit us with the free samples!”

Now we were both in an uproar. Some of the shinobi shrank back, uncertain. That's how bad we were. Irokai growled. “You fools! Do not lose your nerve on the battlefield!”

The sting of his claw shut me up right quick. Bristle too.

“Understand that this abominable mare is at stake,” he purred. “You are to surrender. That is, unless you think you could strike me as lightning would.”

Celestia shot him with lightning. My life flashed before my eyes. And for a moment, I felt like my body was on fire!

But we were fine. My three compatriots’ jaws dropped. I felt blood dribble down my neck.

Irokai smirked. “Nice try. Shinobi are minimalists on the battlefield. Our defense is impenetrable. My shōkaki will let me evade you.”

I sideyed him. “Minimalist is just another way to say pretentious. Pretentious people are bad at dealing with criticism and setbacks, naturally.”

Veins popped in his neck. “Now answer before I lose patience.”

Princess Celestia didn't hesitate. “I surrender.”

The two guards certainly didn't see that coming.

“But Princess!”

“Dude, you can't!”

I looked away. Only the horrific sounds of perfume bottles reached me. I just couldn't watch.

When I heard a great thud as Celestia fell to her knees, I became actually scared. She fought to keep her eyes open as our eyes met. I reached out. She reached out.

The shinobi mobbed her, then disappeared into flame. The grip on me faded. I fell to my knees.

Barr came to my side. Bristle lashed out at the shadows.

“Dirty cowards! How dare they take down the Princess like that! Fucking really? Graaaah!”

Barr bowed his head to me. “The Princess decreed. You are to be in command of us in her absence. What shall we do?”

I dipped my head. “I don't know. I can’t tell you guys what to do. I don't even know where they've taken her or where they kept me. I’m useless. I’m just a secretary.”

Barr blew his hot breath in my face when he sighed. It renewed the stinging chill of the night upon my forehead. His eyes were tender in spite of his size and looks. “Maybe so. But you’re here, right now. Time is of the essence. The Princess is taking a risk so as to avoid a political incident, and she believes you’ll know what to do next.”

Bristle swept in and got in my face too. “Yeah! You just say the word. Do we go and tell Princess Luna to set up an elite task force to rescue her? Do we, like, find that Taira guy and get him to make Jenga or whatever stand down?”

That all sounded pretty appealing. Any plan that removed me from the equation asap was good. I was the one to be carried, the odd number to be factored out. Collecting myself like I was about to get a needle to the shoulder, I prepared the plan to incise myself from this mess in utter shame.

“We go and rescue her!”

Oh no.

“The enemy!”

“You bitch!”

One mess of wings and claws and rope later, I found Gizō tied up a little… cartoonishly before me. She pouted. “Aw, come on! That was perfect timing by me and you go and ruin it.”

Bristle paced like a shark around her. “Aight. Aaaaight. Perfect. Thanks for letting us take the guesswork outta this. Talk now, or else.”

With the end of the rope in his mouth, Barr merely grunted assent.
I flailed my hooves. “Wait! She’s double agent! A traitor! She’s willing to help!”

Gizō smiled all teary-eyed. “A-arigto!”

Then I turned around and rubbed my jaw. “But I can’t really be sure of that. You might have just been playing me this whole time.”

The vixen gagged when Barr pulled the rope tighter. “Baita!”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Bristle rumbled. The sound of wingblades schlicking made Gizō’s hair stand straight up.

She sputtered and kicked. “R-Raven-sama! Please, oh please believe me! I want to put an end to this madness! Look! In my robe!”

With trepidation, I approached. “You’re not gonna stick your cooch in my face again, a-are you?”

The poor thing looked mortified, doubly so when Barr scooted away a couple of inches. “In the shirt, baka hentai.”

Bristle took the liberty. Though I really did trust her, still smart to have the trained guard do the frisk. All his training, and still his eyes bugged out when he found it.

“A stick of d-dynamite?”

Gizō nodded eagerly. “They caved in that place where Raven-sama was kept. They’re preparing a sending spell while the heretic Princess is out cold. You can use that to get in.”

Oh baby. Explosions. I licked my lips. “Now we’re talking. Show us where they be, and we’ll blow those motherfuckers sky high.”

“N-no! I still care about them, even if they act like fools!”

“Whatever. Just pray they know to hit the deck.”

“I regret this already.” Gizō glared at Barr. “You! Untie me, or else!”

He rolled his eyes and complied. “This kid has lip.”

“Lip’s how you tell someone is dumb, isn’t that right Bristle? Mr. ‘Protagonist of the World’. Aren’t the heroes of every story just do-good sacks of potatoes?”

“Hey, bite me. Let’s get going.”

Gizō led the way, and only Bristle’s agility could match. I stood there, pondering the dynamite stick. Barr just about took off until he saw me.

“Hey, get on my back. You can do your plotting there.”

I shrugged him off. “I actually need to use the little filly’s room. Haven’t had the chance, since, you know, being kidnapped.”

Stiff as a board, he moved behind the nearest tree. “Make it quick. Just don’t make a sound or nothing. Don’t make this weird. Get enough of that in the barracks.”

“Hey, girls don’t get piss shivers. Just like how we don’t fart. I pity you though, Barr.”

Comfortably retreated, I continued to ponder the dynamite.

I could definitely say that my plan was hard to see coming.

***

Ah, the wonders of the Canterhorn mountains. They said that there was always somewhere to hide here. As strict as the patrols were, the almost otherwordly ways the mountains worked always proved to be a headache.

About two miles off, we found the place. At the foot of a mountain with the remnants of a rock slide, it’d be easy to make a cave-in look natural.

We all camped in a bush just shy of the clearing. The rocks were fresh, I could somehow tell. A three yard patch of rubble that looked off.

I’m sure they knew that already. I just wanted to feel like I was doing something in my head.

Gizō nodded to us. “I’ll bait them out. You’ll ambush us, and I’ll pretend to retreat to Irokai. He will surely respond is he believes you could possibly interrupt the spell.”

I nodded to Bristle. “And you have the fake dynamite, right?”

“Yeah. Where’s the real one, though?”

“I got it.”

“Where?”

“Pocket dimension.” I lied, but he nodded to it.

Barr spat on the dirt. “Sounds good to me. Stupid and shoddy, but good.”

So did the other two. Musta been a military thing. Gizō rushed left through the grass and did her gymnastics through the trees, then landed at the foot of the rockslide.

I worked my magic. The two guards moved their ears towards my horn.

“Master! Master, lemme in! I don’t wanna use my spell just to get through the front door!”

A beat.

One shinobi emerged from a cloud of flame.

“Gizō, you’re late. You were to patrol the perimeter here, and you abandon post? Though you think it mere gruntwork, your role was an important one.”

“[iGomen]. I did not abandon post, though. I pursued an Equestrian patrol. It may be possible that the heretic Princess’s personal guard and concubine have mustered a response faster than we thought likely. We still know not the enemy we deal with!”

More shinobi appeared, four. The first one replied. “We require naught but three minutes. More, since we have abandoned the spell. Master Irokai has requested we stand guard.”

Bristle readied his wings.

“With our lives?” Gizō said with trepidation. The signal.

“Yes, child. Our mission is vital.”

I could feel her grin from here. “Aye aye aye!” she cried. Her one spell went to work, setting off a blinding flash. My magic switched gears to his wings. Bristle threw his knives, and his aim was true. The enchanted assault caused six — six — booms of air. When the dust cleared, all of them were out cold besides Gizō. The blood ears and nose really sold it. She let herself crumple to the ground.

Right on cue, Irokai and two more shinobi made their entrance. The master eyed the scene. Barr and Bristle emerged from the bushes. I stayed low.

Irokai sauntered up to them as they closed in. “I see you have some fight in you, heretics. Do you come alone? I sense not but one other ally in your midst.”

Gizō hissed in pain. “Master! Be on g-guard! They are—”

“Pardon me, two.”

Swift as the raging river, Irokai bore down upon Gizō with his wicked claw. Barr’s earth pony magic stopped him, just in the nick of time. Brambles sprung from the dirt and kicked Gizō’s body out of the way.

Bristle took to the air. “Attacking your own ally? Sad!”

Irokai growled. “A traitor. Traitors are to be killed.”

Barr huffed steam from his nostrils, prepared to charge. “You’d risk a war with Equestria, and for what? To satisfy that small man who pays you? Gizō is on the side of peace. To choose petty war is far more treasonous to one’s people.”

“To live is to fight!”

The deranged words set off the flames in his comrades. They all dashed into different directions. Their dance of battle was too much for me to keep up with. Up above, Bristle fended off knives and flames and flying kicks from these supposedly earthbound creatures. Below, Barr shouldered the assaults, magic vines keeping the shinobi at bay as he made a path to the cave-in. Even Gizō served as a distraction, sparring with her master atop the jagged stones of the rockslide as he threw his wicked flames into the other fray.

Bristle’s gusts and Barr’s vines made the perfect cover for me in the bushes. I crawled as quick as I could. My sweaty and fat secretary body felt the burn in no time. I stumbled more than once. My belly felt full. Heart raced.

Almost there. Almost…

“Raven!”

I heard my name before I saw the shinobi on top of me, perfume bottom in paw.

“Say goodnight,” he hissed. I threw my forelegs up.

It sounded like a rock fell from a high place. I dared to peek. Barr tumbled with the shinobi in his hold, but the glitter covering his face dashed my hopes.

“B-Barr! You’ve been perfumed!”

He pinned the scrawny ninja under himself with his sheer body weight. Lucky for me, since his eyes drifted shut repeatedly. “H… Hurry, Raven. They can’t… hold out…”

I didn’t wait. I ran for it.

“Get this fat fuck off me!”

No time to waste. The adrenaline was real. Another shinobi jumped me. I showed him why they caw-lled me Raven. A flick of the horn sent one of my spectral messenger birds straight for his face. His desperate wrassle distracted him enough for me to run by.

"That cunt tried to claw my corneas with a crow!"

I had this. I had this.

Up above, I saw Gizō thrown to the ground despite the good fight. Irokai whipped around and snarled at me. Bristle divebombed to my rescue, but the last of the shinobi blocked him.

My heart bounced all the way up my throat. Seeing this loser as a firey-eyed demon of battle certainly gave me a new respect. He closed the distance before I could finish a blink. His metal claw whirled around and slammed me to the rocks by my chest.

“Ack— ”

“You.” His paw tightened, digging the claws in. “Your bomber is too late now. Your distraction has failed. And you shall die.”

If I had to rank the most painful experiences of my life, having a red hot artificial supervillain claw up in my business surely ranked up there. But through the tears of pain, my pure adrenaline kept me focused. I feigned terror. “P-Please, just let the Princess go. I-I’ll do anything.”

“You can die slow and painfully!” he said, cackling like a madman. “Nothing else would bring me greater joy!”

I gulped, glancing down twice. His eye followed to my slowly splaying legs. “A-anything…” I breathed. “Just have mercy…”

His eyes bugged out. “N-nani?”

And then, the smile I held back bust down the wall. My horn flashed.

“Bakana!”

Irokai found out the hard way where I kept the dynamite

I threw up a shield as the slimy stick went off. Irokai found himself halfway into his flame-form, but it was too late. The explosion threw me straight up and the shinobi all around below. Bristle soared to my aid just before I could fall back down. I clung to his neck for dear life.

“Holy shit, Raven!” he shouted. “You fucked him up!”

“Just land please just land oh my Land,” I muttered.

He glided down to where Gizō had taken cover, just by the now yawning cave. The vixen limped over to our side. “Raven-sama, I… I can’t believe you—”

“Shut up.”

“But, like, to keep it—”

“Ferme la bouche.”

“You’re insane.”

Bristle’s utter confusion amused me a little. I pointed to the cave. Tried to, but my foreleg made a sickening crack. I grunted and cursed in gibberish. “Just go make sure the Princess is still there. They can’t have kept a spell up through that explosion.”

“R-right.” He flew in.

That left me with Gizō. She just… stared. That kinda stare you’d give a superhero. I shifted, uncomfortable. “Stop th-that.”

“No. You’re, like, my hero. I’d never imagined a concubine could be so awesome.”

“I’m not a concubine.”

“A.. wife?” She blushed.

I glared. “Not that, either. I’m sick of this bit already. Look, I’m—”

My breath hitched. A charred fox in a burnt demon mask crept up behind Gizō. She turned just in time and blocked the swipe of Irokai’s claw with her forelegs. I was ready for a scrap, but the guy fell to his belly. In the night’s breeze, student looked down upon master. A true cinematic ending.

He groaned in pain. “Wh… what are you, then?” he demanded. “Never did I think I could be utterly defeated by an ordinary woman.”

I held my head up high.

“I’m Celestia’s motherfucking secretary.”

And… scene.

No, wait. Something else exploded. From the cave emerged the lashing tentacles of a solar monstrosity. At the heart of it, Celestia, eyes shining like the stars above, rained down utter contempt upon the cowering and/or unconscious shinobi.

“THOU SHALT KNOW THY VENGEANCE! AGONY ONE-HUNDRED FOLD WHICH YOU’VE INFLICTED UNTO MY LITTLE PONIES SHALL BE RETURNED IN KIND! DESPAIR, THY NAME IS—”

And just like that, the Sunflayer went out like a switch was flipped.

Bristle stood at the mouth of the cave, eyes blank. Eldritch horrors do that. “I-I only said… that they broke her leg… I only…”

Celestia descended to us. She blushed something fierce. “I-It seems that was unnecessary.”

I shrugged while the two foxes by me stared vacantly. “Maybe a little Sunflayer. Broken bones really smart, after all.”

“I cannot strike anyone while they are down!” she cried. “Goodness, I actually did it. I’m literally the worst. I’m going supervillain.”

“If they say evil is sexy, then you got a long way to go, sister.”

“Excuse me? Would you care to say that to my face?”

“I can’t find fat within more fat, now can I?”

“My face is not fat.”

I smiled. She smiled.

“I guess, uh. I guess I’d like a sleepover tonight. My apartment’s too small for a doctor to set up shop.”

“I’ll call Luna. Her night guard is good about cleaning up crime scenes.”

“That’s pretty— wait, what?”

Celestia chuckled. “Thank you. Thanks for coming through, Raven. Perhaps you had an iffy day, but I know I can count on you. It’s not often I throw caution to the wind like this, either! That was most exhilarating.”

With magic, I summoned my trusty clipboard. “That’s why you have me, you reckless fool. Let’s see. My clipboard clock says we have… four hours… until Day Court. Oh.”

The life left my eyes. I was finished. Done.

Celestia looked much the same. “Raven. It’s three A.M. I hate you. You’re the worst secretary ever.”

I sighed. So, so deeply. My back was sore. Arm like hell. My loins were sore. “At least we learned something today. Something, I don’t know what.”

Celestia raised a hoof. “Something splendiferous?”

“Sure.”

And so, the foxes learned of Princess Celestia’s majesty. Bristle learned that the messenger is lucky to be shot sometimes. Barr learned that Reverium was a great sleep aid. Gizō learned to live honorably, and Irokai learned to listen to his pupils.

Me? I learned what being a secretary was all about.

It’s really nothing like being a secretary.

Splendiferous indeed.