We Learned Something Today!

by Cinder Vel

Rating: teen
Tags: Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Octavia, Adventure, Berry Punch, DJ P0N-3
Length: 3995

Vinyl shares what she and Octavia learned after a rather unforgettable night. Vinyl spins a grand tale of drinking, drama, deceptions and more as Octavia struggles to keep herself together. Will either really learn anything from this experience?

Vinyl shares what she and Octavia learned after a rather unforgettable night. Vinyl spins a grand tale of drinking, drama, deceptions and more as Octavia struggles to keep her sanity from slipping away.

Will either really learn anything from this experience?

Entry for the Comedy (Is Serious Business) contest.

The selected prompt was "We Learned Something, Octavia."

Published 2018-02-10 02:40:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-10 02:40:06 UTC

And I Regret Nothing!

“Hey, Octavia”

“Yes, Vinyl?”

“I think we have learned something today.”

“Vinyl, now is not the time. It is the middle of the night, we are stuck on a cliffside and they might still be looking for us.”

“We have learned that you have a drinking problem”

“I beg your pardon?”

“Just sayin’ that we wouldn’t be in this mess if you weren’t an alcoholic.”

“What? You are blaming me! How did you even come to this absurd conclusion?”

“I am glad you asked! Let me refresh your memory. I remember it like it was yesterday…”

“Vinyl, it happened earlier today”

“Details, details, now where was I… ah yes.”

It was day like any other day, with clouds and birds and all of that. And sky was blue I guess, could’ve been purple, eh I dunno. I was just finishing my newest masterpiece, cuz after all I am the best DJ Ponyvile has, when suddenly someone opened the door to my room. Quickly I raised my head up, wiped the drool off my mouth and fixed my shades. And lo and behold it was my favorite gray mare!

“Oi, Vinyl. I’m gone to the pub to meet up with some mates. You bloody better not touch me stuff while I’m gone.”

“I do not sound like that.”

“C’mon, it makes you sound cooler”

“My way of speaking is fine as it is. We should really focus more on the current situation and-”

“Anyway back to the story!”

Now normally every Friday night you would go out drinking and would never invite me. I mean you would always disregard my concern for your wellbeing. So as a concerned friend I decided not to let you go and drink alone.

“Hey, Tavi! Great news I am going with you tonight.”

And then you were like, “Vinyl, you don’t drink.” Even though that is totally wrong as I explained to you already. I mean really, you think I work at so many parties without a single drop of drink? Hah, sober DJ, good one.

Of course I managed to convince you and on the way you were saying some things like, “Don’t embarrass me, don’t get wasted, don’t wear headphones in public, don’t walk into that light post…” Ooooh so that’s what hit me.

“Fascinating, you actually do hear what I say. You just don’t react to what you hear.”

Anyway, one head bump later and we were at the den of thieves and scoundrels. Well if Ponyville pub was actually cool and not, you know, warm and cheerful place. Like seriously, would a bar fight be too much to ask for? At least dimmer lights or tobacco smoke? Nope, just regular ponies enjoying themselves.

I was about to go to the bar but then you nudged me and pointed at an occupied table. And wouldn’t you know, Lyra and Berry Punch were occupying it!

Lyra energetically waved to us and yelled, “Top of the morning to ya luvs! Take a seat, live a little.”

“Lyra doesn’t sound like that all.”

“She totally does! She is Lyrish!”

“She was born and raised in Canterlot, she doesn’t have a hint of the Emerald Isle accent.”

“Spoilsport.”

So we greeted each other, took our seats and were ready to order. Well first Berry gave me this odd look. I swear, her eyes pierced through my shades. Judging my very soul.

“Octavia, why did ye brin’ ‘ere this lily-livered landlubber that never licked liquor in her life?”

“…”

“Why did you stop?”

“Aren’t you going to complain?”

“No, not at all. I am very much enjoying your version of Berry.”

“Oh… Oh that’s good, yeah.”

You then looked Berry right into her eyes. It’s like there was no sound at all. She stared at you, you stared back. Felt like it lasted somewhere between forever and few seconds. She flinched and you just smirked and said, “She is with me.”

But well I couldn’t let you fight my battles. I have reputation to uphold. So I said, “Hey, I drink! I drank stuff you never even heard of.”

Before Berry could say anything she would regret, Lyra levitated the first round of drinks. She popped between me and Berry, hugged us both, yelled “Cheers!” and levitated her pint in the air. We all followed her example and then we drank. And sweet Celestia did that taste awful. It must have been a bad batch of pint or something.

“It was beer and it was perfectly serviceable. Also pint refers to a measurement unit or the glass and is most certainly not a drink itself.”

“Gee, thanks for the Drinking 101.”

“Also you were a bit green around the gills. I am surprised you got sick from one sip.”

“I’m telling you, it was a bad batch! Besides I can handle my drinks.”

“Of course you can. Why don’t you continue with your story then.”

“Maybe I will.”

Berry then asked me, “Ey, Vinyl, seeing as you are obviously good at drinking maybe you could tell us about your first time?”

“Awww, you dropped the accent already?”

“Shush you.”

“Eh, it was long time ago. I mean who can remember their first time. It’s not like it’s a big deal.”

Lyra then smiled, or rather she had a bigger smile than usually, and spoke, “Oh, I totally remember my first time. I was like seventeen at the time and I, Minuette, Twinkleshine and Lemon decided to celebrate Hearth's Warming by drinking for the first time. We tried to get Twilight and Moondancer to come with us but they weren’t interested. So we walked into a club with our *cough* fake IDs and made the order. So we had our drinks and I decided to pick up a stallion. With Minuette as my wingmare I could have had any pony. Or well that’s what we thought because the pony I picked to seduce happened to be Shining Armor. Twilight’s big brother. He totally remembered us and knew we were underage and he actually called our parents. On the hindsight I should have been tipped off by the mare sitting next to him. Cadance wouldn’t talk to me for weeks after that little fiasco.”

“Ok that is hard not to remember.”

She then nudged me and said, “But hey Vinyl, you were there too!”

“I was?”

“Yeah, you tried to get a drink but you were like sixteen at the time and you didn’t fool anyone. I think bartender escorted you out or something.”

“Oh yeah…hehe…that… totally wasn’t me.” Damn you Lyra for reminding me.

I then subtly decided to change focus on somepony else. “Hey, Tavi. What’s your story? Bet it was some fancy wine testing ceremony.”

You rolled your eyes, which is always adorable, and sighed. “It was hardly as memorable as Lyra’s first time. I was accepted into Canterlot Royal Academy of Music and my friends back in Trottingham decided to bid me a farewell with a bang. It was a brilliant night and I had great time. Morning was less than pleasant.”

“That’s a cool story. Maybe you could show me Trottingham one day. Who knows, maybe we all could learn about little Octavia before she was turned into a prim and proper Canterlot pony.”

I am still not sure if the look you gave me was saying “that’s so sweet” or “I’ll break you.”

“It was both as usual.”

Lyra then chimed in, “And before anyone asks, the first time when Berry Punch had her drink was when she fell into a barrel of wine when she was a foal.”

Berry protested, “Arr, dat ain’t true! A fell in a barrel of grapes when A was a wee baby. Grape stompin’ looked fun and I couldnae help meself. ”

“The real story brings back sweet memories. A was just a wee filly of eight and half years. I ‘n’ me sister Cherry Berry along with our cousins Huckleberry and Elderberry were growin’ our very own grapes fer the first time. Back when the two of them used ta visit our farm.”

She chuckled, “We didnae have clue what we were doin’ but somehow we didnae kill the poor plant. And then at next Berry family reunion as a surprise me old grandpa Chokeberry gave each of us one small glass of wine made out of our own grown grapes. ‘Twas sour and didnae age well but ta us four ‘twas sweetest thing we ever tasted.”

Berry took a long chug and finished. “That also would be the day A got me a cutie mark on me flank.”

Lyra hugged Berry, almost making her drop her pint, and giggled, “I always knew there was a softie in you.”

Berry choked and started coughing. I am guessing that left a mark in her pride. Didn’t say anything though; guess she really is a sweetheart.

Around that time we were all done with our drinks, me being first to finish of course. So hey, being magnanimous and humble pony that I am, I offered to get the next round of drinks. And this time I was getting a real drink.

“Or in other words it was all downhill from there.”

“Hey bartender, give me the strongest drink you got.”

And so she began listing all kinds of whiskies and vodkas and blue milks or something but I wasn’t listening. Something behind her caught my attention. I saw it there in a pure crystal bottle, decorated with musical notes, a drink that sang to me. I knew that it was the drink I wanted. Proudly I declared, “I want that one!”

Bartender froze and started sweating. “Oh you don’t want that one, it’s too expensive for someone as-“

I countered with bag of bits. “I am nice so I’ll ask again nicely.”

“Well I guess it would be rude of me to deny a customer what they want.”

“Eyup, customer is always right. I’ll be taking the bottle now.”

So I paid and levitated the bottle to our table. Think bartender was telling me also something about a curse or that I forgot glasses. Pretty sure that my shades were where they always are so I have no idea what she was talking about.

“Alright mi amigos, now we drink the real stuff. Whatever this stuff is.”

Of course you just rolled your eyes while Berry was looking at me as if I sprouted second head. Lyra on the other hoof was acting weird. Well weirder than her usual self.

“Could this be? Were the legends true? You have found a bottle of Rack-Eya.”

Lyra grabbed the bottle and started examining it. “Yes, it is as I thought. The forbidden spirit of the far south. Legend has it that whoever drinks it will have hundred years of good luck… or was it doom on your crops and cattle. Translations of ancient myths are always tricky.”

Berry turned her attention to Lyra and in most deadpan voice said, “Lyra, ye’re bein’ crazy.”

Octavia, I mean you were getting kinda worried. “Maybe we shouldn’t drink it. It sounds absurd but we do live in Ponyvile. Crazier things have happened.”

“Octy, you worry too much. It’s just a drink. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“I don’t know what is worse. That you actually said those words or that I agreed with you after you have said that.”

And so the moment was upon us. Well ok first Berry pointed out that I forgot glasses for shots because apparently you aren’t supposed to drink hard liquor in beer glasses. Oh so that’s what waiter was telling me. Right, sorry.

We poured golden like liquid and raised our glasses high. After a round of cheering it was all bottoms up from there. Sweet drink touched my lips and went down my throat leaving a trail of satisfaction. And then came burning. Sweet Celestia, it burned like hell. Everything turned dark and there were voices yelling. One was rather raspy. And, um…

“Ok, Octavia now is your turn.”

“ Wait, what do you mean my turn? This is your story. You are trying to prove your insane point.”

“Well it’s not like we have anything better to do and I really am not sure what exactly happened after I drank that poison.”

“Vinyl, it wasn’t poisoned. And fine I’ll fill you in on what you missed.”

Let’s see, you left off as we finished our drinks and you tumbled off your chair. Lyra’s pupils shrank and was nervously looking around the pub seemingly unaware that you just fell. Berry on the other hoof was looking at that bottle and was sniffing it. She also muttered something but I didn’t hear her clearly as I was checking if you were still breathing. It was then that lights turned dark and only four of us were remaining. Everyone else simply vanished.

“Wait so the lights really went out? Hey wait, are you saying that only I was affected by the drink? That’s totally not fair.”

“Yes, Vinyl. Because you are a teetotaler. I don’t know what I was thinking letting you drink hard liquor.

“But what about the voices. They didn’t sound like any of you.”

“I was getting to that.”

As I was saying. Pub was covered in eerie darkness and there were only four of us left. Or so we thought as figures appeared cloaked in darkness. They seemed ponylike but their features were obscured and I couldn’t see their eyes. One of them spoke out to us in badly garbled voice, “Those who tasted the forbidden drink must be removed.”

I didn’t know what to do. You were lying on the floor coughing and I couldn’t defend you. I turned to ask others for help but instead I found myself face to face with one of the cloaked figures. She was sitting at our table and was butchering that poor thing. It screamed in agony as she cackled like mad.

“Oh no, who did she grab? Was it bartender?”

“What? No, she was attempting to play an accordion. It was a crime against all that is decent.”

“I thought that is how accordions normally sound.”

“It most certainly isn’t. But enough about accordion.”

It was Berry who stood up and took the control of situation. “Octavia, Lyra! Get Vinyl out of here. I’ll deal with these ruffians.”

The main figure actually took offense to that, at least judging by her voice. “Oh yeah? Well I can take you down with one hoof tied behind my back.”

It could be shadows playing tricks on me but I could have sworn that one of the figures “facehoofed” as it were. Lyra then levitated your body on my back and three of us ran away as fast as we could from the pub, leaving Berry all alone with those monsters.

“That’s Berry I know. Pick on her friends and you get punched.”

“She is rough around the edges but she is a true Ponyville pony.”

“Hey, I am sure she is fine. They don’t call her Punch for nothing. She had her fair share of adventures and scuffles. Do you want me to continue from here?”

“Yes please.”

I slowly regained my senses even though my head was killing me. It didn’t help also that you and Lyra were arguing about something. My throat kinda hurt but I managed to ask you kindly to stop talking.

Before I knew what was going on you hugged me and told me, “Don’t ever again scare me like that.”

“No time for that,” Lyra yelled. “We have to get to the Everfree Forest.”

Still hugging me, or rather choking me, you retorted back, “And I told you that you are bloody mad and that we should find Twilight. She can solve this mess.”

“Twilight is in Crystal Empire and we don’t know when she will return. They will be expecting us at her castle anyway. Only a fool would go to Everefree.”

“And what are you suggesting, run around Everfree and hope one of the monsters eats them instead of us?”

“Please, Everfree is not that bad. Besides I was more thinking of visiting Zecora. You know, the zebra shaman alchemist whatever.”

“Vinyl is not well enough!”

At this point I had to interject. “Octavia, I am fine. I can walk, just my throat hurts a little.”

“Look, I know it is scary but it is our only choice. Also I am sure Zecora has a potion for Vinyl or some other remedy.”

You looked at me and I could see how worried you were. I know that you didn’t like Lyra’s idea but you didn’t know what to do. So I smiled and said, “Hey, don’t worry. I’ll support whatever you think is best.”

And I was honestly surprised that you opted to follow Lyra to see Zecora.

“There was logic in Lyra’s plan and I was too stressed to think of a better solution.”

And so we went to the spooky scary forest and it was actually kinda boring. Various animal noises were everywhere, it was hard to see because it was night time or because of my shades. Well the glowing eyes that followed us were a bit creepy but that’s forests for you. I was just about to speak up when you beat me to it.

“Lyra, how long until we are at Zecora’s place?”

Lyra just shrugged, “I am sure we are almost there. At least I think so.”

You stopped in your tracks and were obviously annoyed. “You think so? Lyra, do you actually know the way to Zecora's home?”

“Of course! In theory. I mean Twilight told me couple of times.”

“Wait are you saying you have never been there?”

As refreshing as it was not being the target of your anger, I decided to step in before Lyra dug her own grave any deeper. “Woah, woah hey girls, now is not the best time for arguing. Besides don’t worry Octavia, we can always use Lyra as bait if we encounter a monster.”

“Exactly!“ Lyra’s smile vanished, “Wait what?”

I flashed a big smile in return. “Just kidding.”

“No you weren’t”

“No, I was not.”

Being somewhat calmed down you sighed, “I could really use a drink right about now.”

And to our combined surprise Lyra levitated the cursed bottle to you. “Well I still have the drink though I was hoping to save it for research later.”

And just as you were calming down you snapped again. “You still have the bottle? This whole time you were carrying with us that damned bottle that caused all of this.”

And right on cue the cursed accordion sound filled the air making us all shiver.

“You just had to carry the bloody thing with us! Wait, where is Lyra?”

A voice echoed all around us. With sadistic glee it said, “Removed. Just as you two shall soon be.”

We ran. We ran as fast as our hooves allowed us. There was no turning back, there was no looking back. We didn’t even know what was forward. We couldn’t see anything and all that we kept hearing was laughter. At every turn new shadowy figure appeared, forcing us to change direction. Led to a trap like a pair of gullible fools.

Before we knew it, we were at an edge. Cornered like rats from all sides and only black pit in front of us. It was the end, I was about to tell you my last words. After all if there was one pony I had to spend my last minutes with, I am glad it was you.

Instead you grabbed me and we jumped into the abyss.

“And that’s how got stuck here on this cliff.”

“Lovely recap. And I suppose now you’ll explain to me how this was all my fault.”

“Nah, I figured you could use a distraction. Stress was really getting to you.”

“To be honest your little tale did make me realize that I could have avoided all of this. If I just voiced my opinion and wasn’t so easily convinced we wouldn’t be in this mess.”

“Hey, none of that. Besides it’s my fault. I was the one pretending to be a big shoot because of my stupid pride. I was the one who bought that stupid drink.

“Guess we both screwed up.”

“FINALLY!”

Octavia and Vinyl looked down and saw a small crowd of ponies. There were three now no longer cloaked ponies whose flanks were glowing for some reason. Standing to them was as always cheerful Lyra and rather grumpy Berry who looked a bit roughed up.

Words failed Octavia as she pointlessly opened and closed her mouth and Vinyl actually took her shades off in disbelief.

“See Applejack! I told you the plan would work!”

“Damn it, Dash. That doesn’t change the fact that it was a dumb plan to begin with. I only agreed because you and Pinkie outvoted me and someone had to make sure you two didn't go to far.”

“Aw come on Applejack, it was a perfect plan! And most importantly the friendship problem is solved.”

Octavia screamed,“ What in the bloody hell is going on here!”

All ponies involved suddenly looked very nervous. Rainbow Dash carefully flew up and offered her hoof. “How about we first get you down? Then we can totally explain everything.”

Vinyl flinched as she expected Octavia to punch Rainbow Dash, who already was sporting a black eye and looked ruffled up. Instead Octavia allowed Dash to bring her and Vinyl down.

Once down with ice cold voice that could shatter mountains Octavia simply said, “Now explain and you might live.”

Dash nervously smiled and tried to look away from Octavia. Unable to escape her eye contact she started talking, “Long story short the Friendship Map sent the three of us to solve a friendship problem and it turned out that it was you two not being honest enough with each other”

Octavia’s eye started twitching. “Why didn’t you just talk to us?”

Applejack lowered her hat and mumbled mostly to herself, “That’s what I said…”

Before Octavia could deliver her righteous wrath upon Rainbow she remembered something. “Wait, how did you even know that I would bring Vinyl with me today? Or that she would even get that stupid drink”

Pinkie smiled and said, “Pinkie Sense!” as if that explained anything.

Octavia just shook her head in disbelief and started contemplating her life choices.

Meanwhile Vinyl approached the other two ponies. “Wait, you two were part of this all along?”

Lyra, being her old cheerful self, said, “We sure were. When Pinkie asked me to help I was ready to help my friends. Plus somepony had to lead you to the White Tail Woods. Yeah we aren’t in Everfree, now that would be pretty dumb. Also it was fun.”

Berry on the other hand rolled her eyes. “Well A sure had no idea what was goin’ on cuz a certain lime colored pony forgot ta tell me.” She then with a smile said, “But on the bright side A beat the crap out o’ Rainbow Dash. So aye, that was fun.”

Rainbow Dash turned to Applejack. “Yeah, thanks for helping me back there.”

Applejack just shrugged. “You said and I quote ‘I can take you down with one hoof tied behind my back’.” She then added, “Besides I did help. I told Berry it was us.”

“That just made her punch even harder!” Rainbow screamed, seemingly much to Berry’s delight.

“And what about the drink?” Vinyl wanted to know.

Lyra confessed, “All made up. It was just a regular whisky. No such thing as legend of Rack-ya.”

With all that said Octavia closed her eyes and took a long deep breath. She opened her eyes, turned to Vinyl and said, “You know Vinyl. I did learn something today. Everypony is an idiot.”