Scootaloo took a deep breath and sat down, shaking in the uncomfortable chairs in the Ponyville Hospital waiting room. This was not where she wanted to be on a weekend afternoon, especially considering the circumstances. If she were hurt or sick, that would be one thing. Being injured wasn’t fun, but at least she’d be able to miss class! Scootaloo preferred that to her current situation. It was normal to be called into a hospital as a witness, right?
Her hooves kicked at the ground. Around her, ponies murmured uncomfortably. Somepony coughed. A foal cried in the arms of its mother. Scootaloo couldn’t bear to face them. It wasn’t until Nurse Redheart called her name that she dared to look up. The nurse was red in the face, from blushing or barely-contained emotions, Scootaloo couldn’t tell. She shuffled behind the mare, scooting to the side whenever a doctor with a clipboard raced past. Oh, how she wished she were sick, it would be much less awkward than this!
Sighing, Nurse Redheart waved Scootaloo towards an empty chair in what appeared to be a foal delivery waiting room. Blocks were scattered on the floor, and the walls were covered in posters detailing in cartoonish glee the anatomy of a pregnant mare. Scootaloo shuddered. Sex Ed had told her enough about that to scar her for her whole life, probably.
“So, Miss Scootaloo,” began the nurse, poising a quill over a clipboard. “I’m glad you could make it. I need you to tell me exactly what happened to Rainbow Dash. From the beginning, if you don’t mind, and please don’t leave anything out. It’s important that we understand exactly what happened so we can brainstorm with Rainbow how we can avoid incidents like these in the future. She’s rather, how can I put it-”
“Experimental?” queried Scootaloo, blowing a chunk of mane out of her eyes. “Yeah, she likes being the best, and that’s how she comes up with new ideas. She tries things. Lots of things. And some of them don’t turn out so great.” The filly shuddered at the memory of a few particularly ill-fated attempts. “Exactly! But this isn’t about some Wonderbolts trick, Miss Scootaloo. If she had gotten zapped by lightning or sprained her wing on a cloud, we could justify it as a workplace accident and remind her to be more careful. This, however, is a bit of an unusual case. From the top, if you would, so we can get to the bottom of this.” Nurse Redheart gave the filly her best encouraging smile and pressed the tip of her quill to the page on the clipboard.
Scootaloo bit her lip and hesitated. “W-well, you see, it was kind of my fault that it went that far, but I didn’t mean it, and there was no way I could persuade her to change her mind about it. We were at the library, and Rainbow was showing me this special book that Twilight has where there’s this whole other her…”
“See, Scootaloo? Told you I could find it!” Rainbow Dash announced, slamming a thick tome with a yellow and red sun on it onto the castle table. Scootaloo peered at the book curiously. The sunlight glinting through the stained glass windows revealed the dust billowing from the book, catching the light in a prism of colors. Scootaloo sneezed at it.
“Hey, hey, it’s not some boring eggheadish book, alright? There’s a whole ‘nother me on the other side of this portal, and she and this pony named Sunset Shimmer do all kinds of cool tricks! Like, hmm, let me see…” Rainbow cracked open the covers and flipped through pages, sending another cloud of dust into the air. “There! See, the other me and Sunset Shimmer were trying this thing with hands, which are like those things Minotaurs have, except skinnier.”
Scootaloo’s expression was the exact opposite of impressed. “I know what hands are, Rainbow. I don’t think you can do a lot of cool tricks with them, and I don’t think this is gonna inspire a cool Wonderbolt trick.” The filly turned and began perusing the shelves for something more useful.
Rainbow bit her lip and scanned the page she was on for something awesome. There was no way Scootaloo was right. There had to be something! “Hey, listen to this! ‘While fingering was pretty exciting, Rainbow decided she wanted to try something harder.’ Sounds like other me wants to push the limits too, right, Scoots?”
Scootaloo groaned, but Rainbow Dash persisted. “Alright, let’s see, stuff about lu- hey, Scoots, you’re old enough to know about the birds and the bees, right?” The filly nodded, much to Rainbow’s relief.
A giddy smile split the prismatic pegasus’s muzzle as she read on. “Great, so, they’re using lube, and they’re… I can’t make out this word. Fisting? That’s not a word, is it? Sunset Shimmer’s hoofwriting is awful! So, hm, she must have meant ‘Fishing,’ or something. Fishing? Hm...”
Something about the way Rainbow Dash hummed sent chills up Scootaloo’s spine. Slowly, casually, she turned around to face her hero. Rainbow was practically vibrating in place with excitement. A glint of determination flashed in her eyes, making the filly gulp nervously.
“If the other me can handle it, I must be able to do it too! Come on, Scootaloo, we gotta prove I’m the most awesome Rainbow Dash! There isn’t a moment to waste, Sunset Shimmer wrote this entry weeks ago!” The eager pegasus practically threw Scootaloo onto her back and raced out of the castle towards the marketplace.
A quick shopping trip later, Rainbow Dash touched down gently on the balcony to her house, a few massive plastic bags slung over her back. Scootaloo peered out of one of the windows. “Did you change your mind, Rainbow? I really don’t think this is a great idea, and we can always skip it and go back to the library or something.”
“No way! In fact, I got a bunch of different kinds, just to test it out. You wouldn’t believe this, but there’s this pony into raising them, and she let me borrow some so long as I return them and they aren’t hurt.” Rainbow set down her bags carefully in her living room and bustled off into her room to fetch the lube.
Scootaloo peered into one of the bags curiously, hoping that she wouldn’t see something awful, like a giant fishhook or a fishing rod. Knowing Rainbow Dash, anything was possible.
A large goldfish gazed unblinking up at her from a paper-thin sheen of water. A magic field surrounded it, keeping it alive in its thin bubble of liquid until it returned to its home in the river. A few other fish flopped weakly underneath it. Scootaloo took a shaky breath and stepped back. Rainbow wasn’t actually going to…
“I asked Fluttershy about fishing. It’s something her bear and otter friends do a bunch, though when I asked her which hole they use, she told me to leave, so I guess I’ll have to try both. So, here’s what’s gonna happen. I’m gonna lube up a couple fish, and - this is where you come in, Scoots! - you’re gonna help me get them out afterwards. It’s supposed to be really fun!”
Rainbow must have mistaken Scootaloo’s horrified expression for one of confusion, because she reassured her, lying down and rolling over onto her back. “Hey, they can still breathe, they’re fine, it’s all in the magic! Now, Sunset Shimmer didn’t say what kind of fish she used when other me tried fishing, so I got a selection. I’m thinking we start with a goldfish, and work our way up to the bass. We’ve got koi, rainbow trout, salmon, and this cool looking thing. It’s all flatish now, but I heard it can puff up and get really big! That’s, like, way cooler than a normal fish!”
Rainbow Dash held up the pufferfish, a look of utter glee written across her face. She picked up the bottle of lube with one hoof and unscrewed it with a wing, humming to herself. Rainbow set down the pufferfish, much to Scootaloo’s relief, and reached into the bag. Pulling out a large trout, the pegasus spread her legs and considered both of her options. “Hey, Scoots? Which hole should Mr. Trout go in?”
Scootaloo shook her head and bit her lip. Both were horrible options, as far as she was concerned. Rainbow shrugged and dabbed lube on her wingtip before rubbing it against her lower pucker. With a determined smile, she lined up the fish, who flopped listlessly in her grip. A high pitched moan escaped her lips as the fish’s head spread her ponut. Her wings shot out to the side as it slowly but surely entered her, protected by its magical shield.
Nope, nope, Scootaloo had seen enough! She raced towards the door. There was no way she was dealing with this without backup. She just hoped she’d make it in time, before Rainbow got through the more benign fish. She just had to make it! With wings outstretched, Scootaloo dove off the cloud, jumping from rain cloud to rain cloud towards the ground. The moment her hooves hit solid ground, she ran towards Ponyville, shrieking at the top of her lungs.
Nurse Redheart cleared her throat, breaking the awkward silence that claimed the waiting room after Scootaloo finished her story. “So, that’s all you witnessed?”
“Yup,” Scootaloo said, swaying slightly where she sat. “I’m just glad Rainbow’s going to be okay, and that she didn’t try, um…”
“...the lionfish, or jellyfish, or swordfish we found in the other bag?” Nurse Redheart finished, setting her quill to the side. Her cheeks were noticeably flushed.
Scootaloo shifted and blushed, unable to meet the nurse’s gaze. “Yeah. And you said in your message that you managed to remove the smaller fish from her alright, and that no one was hurt. I personally just can’t believe she fit a whole salmon up her-”
Nurse Redheart cleared her throat, choking back what couldn’t have been a laugh. “Thank you for your time, Scootaloo. And don’t worry, the fish are all alright. No worse for wear!” With a surpressed grin, the nurse exited the room, presumably to discuss Scootaloo’s story with the other doctors. The loud laughter she heard in the hallway couldn’t have belonged to the nurse, could it? Nurses would never laugh at the ridiculous things their patients did!
Still, the memory of the startled-looking salmon flopping between Rainbow’s legs wouldn’t leave Scootaloo’s mind, and she couldn’t help but crack a smile at the image. She didn’t know who was more startled at the sight of the crowd that had followed Scootaloo to Rainbow’s house: Rainbow, or the fish!
Scootaloo shuffled out of the waiting room. Nurse Redheart was probably giving Rainbow a stern talking-to about her sexual misadventures. After the pineapple incident, the nurse was probably resigned to deal with whatever crazy idea popped into Rainbow’s head. Hopefully, Rainbow had learned something about what was and wasn’t appropriate to stick up her marehood and plothole.
Of course, Scootaloo had learned a couple things as well. She reflected on them as she wandered through the hallways, idly searching for Rainbow’s room. First, she learned not to take odd phrases too literally. Hanging out with Rainbow Dash meant she got to see how that sort of situation ended (and more than one of them involved explaining to the Nurse what Rainbow had gotten up her nethers). Secondly, she learned to always, always, always use lube. That… was a bit of a given. Especially where pufferfish were concerned.
Author's Note
Yes, this is a stupid idea. No, I don't wanna change it, it makes me laugh. I hope it makes you smile as well!
Fish puns are always appreciated. If you think of any, feel free to comment them below! ♥
Shoutout to my Patreons ~~though you all are probably wondering what you've gotten yourself into. I'm so sorry~~, you mean the world to me!
