Coffee Hour

by moonbutters

Rating: teen
Tags: Death, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Princess Luna, Changelings, Comedy, Random
Length: 2965

Luna needs her caffiene intake to wake up. Meanwhile, the changelings are invading Canterlot during the wedding. What could go wrong?

Luna needs her caffiene intake to wake up. Meanwhile, the changelings are invading Canterlot during the wedding. What could go wrong?

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Yes, his full name is “the Paul.”
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Created for Aragon’s Comedy (is serious buisiness) contest. Written and edited within a period of 36 hours. Help.

Rated teen cuz whipped cream

Submitted just before midnight

Published 2018-02-10 05:40:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-10 05:40:12 UTC

Leave it to Jitter

Author's Note

Either I’m proud of myself or just really really tired. Either way, time to go to sleep. Hope you enjoy this, ‘cuz I sure did.

Leave it to Jitter

And suddenly, the shield was down, just like our queen had said. As soon as it fell, we were all rushing into Canterlot, looking for victims to capture and cocoon to get love. I had already planned out where I was going to go- there was a shop near the castle that sold something called “coffee,” and at this time of day there was always ponies going in and out. Plenty of ponies to get love from.

With my destination in mind, I flew quickly across the city, followed by a few other changelings who must have had the same plan as I did, because we all dove down to the entrance of the coffee shop. We all touched down about the same time and I led the group through the door and into the shop. A little bell dingled as we entered, and then all the ponies started screaming. I did a quick headcount and came up with... six. Six of them, seven of us. Perfect. I leapt at the nearest pony, which was a unicorn behind the counter with a green head-covering. His screams were silenced quickly, and his silence was followed shortly by the rest of the ponies.

Once they were all subdued, we dragged them into a back room where we cocooned them quickly to be transported back to the hive later. We were all in the back room feeding a little, when the bell on the front door dingled. Thinking quickly, I transformed into the unicorn that had been at the front desk and grabbed the head covering in my magic before stuffing it onto my head, accidentally impaling it with my horn. Whoops. From outside the room, another bell began to ring. It was loud. Very loud. And it wouldn’t stop. I grimaced as I instructed my comrades to remain hidden for now, and then I exited the back room.

I plastered a fake smile to my face and readied some lie about how we were all hiding in the back room so the attacking changelings would not find us. Hopefully I could lure the unsuspecting pony to the back room where the rest of my group could subdue them.

“Huzzah!” exclaimed the pony in front of the counter, as she repeatedly rang the bell that sat next to the large money machine thing.

I knew that voice. Every changeling was taught to fear that voice. It was the voice of the one who could bring death and ruin to all changelings if she so desired. Even if I did not know the voice, it is hard to not immediately recognize a blue alicorn. I almost lost my cool right then and there- the fabled Squasher of Changelings was standing right before me! If she were to find out that I was a changeling, we’d all be dead within seconds! But... but if we captured the Night Princess, our queen would most definitely reward us! Maybe even with a taste of some love from the Night Princess herself-

“Art thou- I mean, are you okay, Bean Grinder?” said the Princess, interrupting my thoughts. “You have been standing there staring into an empty corner for at least a minute now...” she continued as her hoof came down on the bell again amd again and again and again and AGAIN AND AGAIN...

“Could you please,” I started, “stop ringing that bell?” I still had the fake smile on my face, but it was very forced.

“This bell?” asked the princess, as she CONTINUED TO RING THE BELL.

“Yes. That bell. Please.”

“Oh come on, Bean-y boy! You know how much I enjoy this bell!” She gave me a playful smile. Was she just toying with us before she killed us? Or what? I did not know, but decided to press on further.

“Oh please, my princess, stop ringing the bell before my ears explode! I beg you!” Maybe she would stop now? I could not hold this form for much longer with such HORRIBLE RINGING. I was too busy thinking about the HORRIBLE RINGING to notice that the princess had FINALLY stopped ringing the HORRIBLE bell.

Again, my thoughts were interrupted when she spoke. “Equus to Beano, come in Beano, anything up there? Art thou going to take my order?” Princess Luna dinged the bell once more for emphasis, and I flinched.

“Of course, my princess. What would you like me to do for you?” I had completely forgone my plan to lure her into the back room.

“I’ll have my usual, a double-caffeinated hypermocha extra large, but this time go easy on the whipped topping, because last time it was too frothy! I thank thee greatly in advance for your service!”

Yeah, I had no clue whatsoever what that meant, but this “Beano” whom I was impersonating probably would. “I’ll get right on it, my princess!” I said, before turning tail and heading back into the back room, where my comrades were waiting.

“Whatssss going on out there?” chattered Clicky. Or was that Clacky? Or Chitter, or Chatter, or Jatter? We all look so alike, it’s hard to tell sometimes.

“First,” I replied, “I need your names so We don’t get confused. I am Jitter.”

“Jatter,” said the changeling to my right.

“Click,” said the one next to Jatter.

“Clack,” said the changeling to my left.

“Ah’m Chitteree,” said the one next to Clack.

“Buzz,” said the changeling in the middle.

“And I? I am the mighty, the one, the only, the Paul.” said the changeling in the back. We all gasped in awe. The mighty, the one, the only, the Paul, was one of our queen’s special changelings, who were made to be the best of the best of the best. But the Paul. The Paul was the best of the best of the best of the best!

“O wondrous the Paul, outside this room waits the night princess!” I said, respectfully averting my eyes. “She is unaware that we are here, and seems to not know that the city has been overrun with us changelings!”

“The squasher of changelings is here‽” cried Click, his voice filled with woe. “We are all doomed!”

“Now y’all hold on a minute, we’re not dead yet! Jitter said that she’s not aware of our bein’ changelings,” drawled Chitterjee. “Ah’m sure that the Paul has a great idea to get ‘er.”

We all looked at the mighty, the chosen, the Paul. While being specially chosen by our queen is an honor in and of itself, the magnificent and ever-loving Queen Chrysalis gave each of her chosen a special ability. For example, the strong, the dependable the Carly could utilize her telekineses much better than any other changeling. Under stress, the Carly could probably move the whole hive if need be. In the case of the Paul, he was given the ability to change his form into any being that he has ever met. That is why we called the Paul the Paul, because “The Paul” means “Sneaky-beaky,” as the queen says.

At first, the Paul did not respond, but instead stood in place. We all waited with baited breath, hoping for the amazing plan that would allow us to go down as legends in changeling history.

“You. Jitter. You are sure that the Night Princess is unaware of the attack going on in Canterlot, correct?” asked the Paul, breaking the silence. It took me a moment to realize that he was talking to me.

“Oh!” I started, “Um, yes, that seems to be the case. Her emotions did not convey distress or malice towards myself or outside. All I felt was a few standard emotions as well as some strong tiredness and confusion.”

The Paul looked pleased. “Ah, the middle of the day is no time for the Night Princess to be out and about. Here is my plan. You all will change into the ponies that we have captured,” said the Paul, holding our attention. “The ones of you without the hats will go out the back door and come in the front door at a random interval. Those with the hats will act as the ponies who work here. I will attempt to lure the princess into the back room once all of you are ready. Once she is in here, you all will enter after me and we will attack at once, taking her out.”

“Yes sir!” we all said at once and the rest of the changelings got to their task. Since I was already transformed, I watched as the Paul began his transformation. He grew twice his normal size, and turned blue. He grew muscles. As I watched, a weird feeling came over me, one that I had never felt before. I... liked the way the paul looked? A lot? It took me a second to realize it, but I seemed to be leaking some lust. No matter. I contracted my stomach muscles and hacked up the only solution for a leak: a cork. Without hesitation, I stuck it in, in the location that I believe ponies call “where the sun don’t shine,” even though the sun shines there sometimes. Once the cork was in, I felt much better, and yet I still got that funny feeling from looking at The Paul after he had finished transforming. He noticed me staring and beckoned me over.

“I do appreciate you taking the initiative earlier, Jitter. Once we return to our queen, I will be sure to recommend you to her to become a chosen one.”

“I do appreciate your thanks, o chosen one,” I replied, smiling at the Paul.

“Now, get out there!” said the Paul, giving me a push towards the door.

“Yessir!”

I exited the back room and went back to the counter, feeling pleased with myself. To think that little old me could be part of the chosen! But not yet, because we still had to capture the princess. Speaking of the night princess, she was staring at me expectantly. Almost as if she had asked something of me and I had- yes! I had forgotten about the double- cannonated hooperwhatsit extra large. I looked around the front counter for something that would hint to me exactly what a double-cloggerded flipperflapper was, because unless there was a label called “What the Night Princess likes to drink,” then I’d blow our cover.

“Hey, Bean-badda-beano, art thou done with my double-caffeinated hypermocha extra large yet? If thou dost not finish soon, We- We mean I- I will not be able to stay awake!” said the Princess, peering over the counter at me. “We- I have some interesting dreams to tell you about.”

“I’m working on it, Princess. Your dribble drabble hiker loco will be done quickly!” I replied, still searching.

“We- I do not remember ordering such a drink, Bean. It was a double-caffeinated hypermocha extra large, not a diggle draggle piper hoho or whatever it was you said.”

It was at this moment that Click and Clack entered through the front door and got in line behind the Princess.

“So,” I said, hoping to get it right this time, “You wanted a happer cacfinarted double macho?”

“A double-caffeinated hypermocha extra large! Repeat each part back to me.” She said, annoyed.

“Double.”

“Yes.”

“Canned.”

“No!”

“I think,” started Clack, “It was a dribble dibble dabble dabble?”

“No, that’s not it!” said Clack. “ it was a double-mocha something something!”

“Neither of you are correct! I ordered a double-caffeinated hypermocha extra large! Please!”

My search efforts had yielded positive results, as I had finally found a note, titled “Princess Luna’s Usual.” Beneath that was a little message which I had to squint to read. “In the red barrel in the back room, make sure to add the whipped cream and sprinkles before serving!” The note was signed by a “Cracker.”

Well, this was going to be easier than I expected.

“...double caffeinated mitochondria? Isn’t the mitochondria powerful enough as it is.” said Clack as I headed for the back room again. On my way, I passed Buzz and Jatter, who were transformed into unicorns and were sweeping and mopping. I made eye contact with them and we exchanged a nod. I continued onward into the back room.

Upon entering, I took a second to ensure that our captives were secure, and then I searched out the red barrel. I grabbed the largest cup I could find, as I wasn’t sure how large an extra large double-cappindated hypoallergenic motor oil was. Better safe than sorry, I guess. I used the spigot on the barrel to fill the cup to a little below the brim, and then I grabbed a container of whipped cream. Unsure how to open it, I stuck an end in my mouth and bit, and the cream filled my mouth and spewed out of the sides. There was just so much, and it was too sweet for me. In seconds, the can was empty, and my mouth was full. Geyuck. I spit it all out, and grabbed another can. This time, I pointed it at the drink and then crushed the top end. The cream came spewing out in a stream, overflowing out of the cup. Once the second can was empty, I chucked it and brought the “completed” drink out of the back room and over to the princess.

“My Princess, here is your double- biper viper whatchamacallit.” I said, hoofing the drink to the princess. “I hope it is to your liking.”

“I thank thee greatly, Beano. Put the cost on my tab if thou wilst.” she replied, taking the drink in her magic before stepping out of line and taking a seat at a nearby booth. Next in line was Clacky.

“You’re gonna have to give me a moment, Beano, because I’m not sure what to get.” he said innocently. If it wouldn’t have blown my cover, I would have bitten the jerk’s wings off for that remark.

Instead, I just glared at him when I replied, “Take all the time you need.”

A few moments later, the bell on the door dingled as the Paul entered. I glanced over at the night princess and saw that she was staring at the Paul intently. He sauntered up behind Clicky and pondered the large menu board above my head before looking around and just-so-happening to notice the princess. He does a very convincing double-take, and then gives the princess a sly smile before winking at her. She giggles. The squasher of changelings giggles like a little filly.

Sensing his opportunity, the Paul walks over to the princess and introduces himself as “Big Blue.” I felt that Big Blue was a good choice for the Paul’s current form because he was both very big and very blue.

And right there is when everything goes wrong.

“My princess, I do so like your sapphire necklace. Where did you find a gem that is so blue and beautiful, much like yourself?” asked the Paul. At the word ‘sapphire,’ the princess had tensed up greatly for a second before returning to her previous emotional state.

“Oh, this old thing? My sister gave it to us- I mean me, a long long time ago. It’s actually quite magical, but it requires the dark to see it.” said the princess.

“I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation,” I interrupted, “but the back room with the lights off is very dark. Would that be enough?”

“Surely!” replied Princess Luna, getting up. “Follow me, Big Blue.”

They quickly disappeared into the back room, quickly followed by the rest of us. I had left the lights off to hide our captives, so the princess should not have known that we were about to attack, and yet when we pounced, we were blasted away by a flurry of rear hoof kicks. We were kicked so hard, our transformations failed. I could only watch in pain as the night princess squashed each of my comrades with her hoof, turning each one into dust, including the magnificent, the amazing, the now-dead, the Paul.

When she came to me, she placed her hoof on the side of my head. But, instead of squishing me to dust, Princess Luna spoke.

“Thou art the one who made us our drink, correct?”

Somehow, I managed to reply “...Y-y-yes?”

“Answer us this question and we shall let you go. Why dost thou have a cork up thine buttocks?”

“T-t-to keep emotions from l-l-l-l-leaking out. H-how did you know we were changelings?”

“Our necklace is normally a clear crystal, but when exposed to thine changeling magics, it turns blue. If thine comrade had not brought it to our attention, we would not have noticed. Now, leave.”

I did not hesitate. I was out the door and on my way out of Canterlot within the minute, and back at the hive within the hour. I waited in the throne room for my queen to return so she could deliver my punishment.

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Two hours later...

I was awoken by a tapping on my horn. I opened my eyes and looked up from the throne room floor to see the Magnificent Ever-Loving Queen Chrysalis staring down at me.

“Oh good, you’re not dead like the rest of them probably are. Well, we have lots of work to do. Let’s start with you telling me exactly what happened to you and what you learned about the ponies. I can use this for my next attack! Yes, We will replace those meddlesome “Elements of Harmony” with our own. Yes, this will be good...”I