Cheating on your Waifu

by Czar_Yoshi

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Rarity, Starlight Glimmer, Romance, Twilight Sparkle, Drama
Length: 3852

Spike has a Rarity plushie he's cherished all year. Then, he gets a Starlight plushie for Hearth's Warming...

Spike has a Rarity plushie he's cherished all year. Then, he gets a Starlight plushie for Hearth's Warming...

Written as a dual entry in Aragon's Comedy (Is Serious Business) Contest under the prompt "We learned something, Starlight" and FamousLastWords' A Two-Faced Charade contest.

Published 2018-02-10 10:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-10 10:00:07 UTC

The So-Called Maximum Waifu Limit

"And thus, I dub thee... Princess Rarity Sleepyhead! Heh heh heh..."

Spike chuckled to himself as he fixed the covers on his bed, tucking them neatly over the white plushie with its head resting on his pillow. He gave her a wink, meeting her soulful glass eyes, and patted the top of her mane. "See you in the evening, Rares. It's Hearth's Warming Eve, and this dragon has stuff to do!"

"Aww..." a voice cooed from over his shoulder. "It's nice that you get so much enjoyment out of that, Spike. I bet Rarity thought it would just sit around in a trophy case collecting dust when she made it for you!"

"Hey, Twilight." Spike turned around to see his friend and mentor standing in the door. "Yep... It's hard to believe it's only been..." He yawned, brushing the last vestiges of sleep from his eyes. "A year since... she made it for me, huh?"

Twilight rolled her eyes, turning away with a smile. "A lot can happen in one year, Spike. Anyway, all the girls are here for breakfast, and Pinkie Pie is catering. Trust me, you don't want to miss it."

Spike hopped after her, throwing one last wink at the Rarity plushie before looping his tail around the door and swinging it closed behind him.

"And then," Pinkie Pie intoned, standing two-hoofedly on the table amidst the vestiges of breakfast and gesturing wildly, "I said, 'A party? Is that what you thought I was going to say?'" She pointed a hoof straight at Applejack. "I suggested we build... Wait for it..." Her eyes scanned each and every member of the crowd, boring into their souls. "A water park! With Sweet Apple Acres as the backdrop! How's that for a Hearth's Warming gift, eh?"

Rainbow Dash hoof-bumped her. "Girl, I like the way you think."

"In the dead of winter?" Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Pinkie, that would make everypony freeze their tails off!"

"'Tis a fancy dream and all that, Pinkie," Applejack said, touching the brim of her hat. "But this kind of is Hearth's Warmin' Eve, here. You really think we could build one of those in one day? Besides, it might get to be an eyesore after a while, and then we'd just have to take the whole thing back down."

Starlight shrugged from across the table, horn flickering as she causally bent and repaired a spoon. "I dunno, AJ. I could probably come up with a spell or two that would help with that. If we could conjure the structural supports from a multigranular matrix, or... or we could support the slides with anti-gravity spells, taking away the need for supports altogether!"

Twilight opened her mouth to protest, but Rarity beat her to it, slipping in next to Starlight and throwing a hoof over the mare's shoulder. "Darlings, oughtn't we focus on slightly more practical matters? Some of us, after all, actually brought gifts to give here and now!" Her carefully-groomed face broke into a wide smile as she levitated up a set of packages. "Not to say that wishful thinking isn't all well and good, but I'm simply dying to see what you all think of these. I spent so long making all of them!"

"Uhhh..." Rainbow fluttered, looking upstaged. "Hey, I brought gifts too, y'know..."

"Oh did you now?" Rarity smiled her way, looking for all the world like it was polite encouragement.

Rainbow bit her wing and tugged free a loose feather. "Yeah," she said, holding it in her teeth. "It's this official Rainbow Dash quill. My merch doesn't come cheap, you know. Here ya go, Rares! And take that!"

She tickled Rarity's nose with the feather, sending the mare cross-eyed. Twilight snorted, Pinkie and Applejack guffawed, and Fluttershy politely giggled.

"Come on, girls," Twilight said, standing and pacing out of the breakfast room, the table's dishes teleporting to the kitchen below at a flash from her horn. "I might have picked out a few things, too. Let's go to the tree and open things early, if you're all so impatient!"

Despite the one-mare stampede that was Pinkie Pie, Spike still made it out of the room first.

"Hmm hm hmm hm hmm..."

Spike sat humming to himself as he rocked back and forth, watching as his best friends took turns presenting each other with gifts that were as impractical as they were good-natured, trading laughter as Pinkie left Fluttershy holding the world's largest head of garlic and Rainbow Dash found herself saddled with an exceptionally frilly skirt. At his side was the Rarity plushie, its snow-white coat of lovely fur enchanted to resist wear and stains. He patted it on the back, stopping to sip from a straw in a drink cup that was almost as tall as he was.

"Don't worry, girls," Rarity giggled as Rainbow continued to violently blanch. "Those were all just for fun. I'll give you your real presents at the festival this evening."

"Well... what about our one for Spike?" Starlight asked from close at her side.

"Bwuh?" Spike looked up, straw still in his mouth. He was already sitting on a pile of comic books from a genre he had never even heard of, a handful of faux gems, and a whoopee cushion with Pinkie's face on it. "I have to deal with another of these?"

"Oh, well, this is a much more real gift, you see, and..." Rarity fidgeted, glancing down at her own pile of fattening junk food and a scarf that was chartreuse, neon blue, and maroon. "Not to say that these aren't all positively wonderful, darlings, but seeing as this is from both of us, I... We suppose it might be more enjoyable now?" She raised a hopeful eyebrow, Starlight mirroring the gesture.

Spike looked to Twilight for approval, and she nodded. "Sure," he offered, standing and spreading his arms like a target. "Hit me with your best shot!"

A sizable package landed in front of him. After a second of blinking, he licked his lips and tore into it like a jackhammer, arms and claws flailing and shredding at the wrapping. Soon, the package was open, and he gaped at what beamed up at him from inside.

"...Really!?" Spike stared up at Rarity and Starlight with massive eyes, both watching eagerly.

"Uh-huh!" Starlight nodded for him to take it.

Reaching in, Spike seized... and withdrew a smiling Starlight plushie, a perfect match in size, style and loving construction for the Rarity sitting next to his loot pile.

"Isn't it fabulous?" Rarity practically preened. "I saw how much you adored the one I made you last year, and so when Starlight came to me with the idea to commission one of her, I thought, 'Why not work together on it?' I take it you approve?" She batted her eyelashes.

At her side, Starlight grinned hopefully. "I know we've been getting to be better friends lately, so I figured, maybe... you'd like it?"

"Oh yeah." Spike stared in admiration into the plushie's eyes... then took it in one hand and turned back to everyone else. "I think I'm, uhh... gonna go give Starlight here the tour of the castle, if you don't mind. See ya later, guys!" He waved as he hopped away, calling back, "Guard the hoard, Rarity!"

The doors eventually banged shut behind him, and Twilight smiled. "Looks like you two scored big with that one. I wouldn't be surprised if he goes and shows her the whole town."

"All the better for us," Rarity proclaimed, sweeping together the discarded wrapping paper in a ball of magic. "We've got a lot of decorating to do for the party tonight, and there's no motivator for doing hard work like the knowledge that some lucky creature is off enjoying the fruits of your previous labors. Everypony! To action!"

The seven industrious mares sprang up, moving like a rainbow hurricane to replace banners, string lights, polish already-gleaming surfaces and decorate the massive conifer that graced the hall where the map table usually stood. As they moved, Rarity stopped next to Spike's abandoned loot haul, the well-loved Rarity plushie faithfully standing guard.

"You were such a good gift," Rarity cooed, lifting it and squeezing its fuzzy white chest against her own in a gentle hug. "Thank youuu... And who knows? Perhaps if enough years go by, we'll have a whole set of you!" Her tone snapped to businesslike. "But for now, we're redecorating, and I'd absolutely hate to see you get trampled underhoof like some common rug. Let's put you somewhere safe for the time being, hmm?"

In Twilight's castle, gentlestallions in fine hats waltzed to the upbeat swing of Vinyl Scratch's portable DJ station, a disco ball from Pinkie Pie showering the crystals with party-iffic colors. Cider flowed nonstop from an entire wall of barrels, and the hearty clunking of toasts with wooden mugs formed a perfect backdrop to the laughter of ponies young, elderly and every age in between. Half the town could have been in attendance, or perhaps even more, and the scene the moon shone in on through raised crystal windows showed no sign of abating for hours yet to come.

Spike strolled proudly along an upper balcony in the foyer, the Starlight plushie held to his side in one hand and a thrice-refilled mug of cider in the other. Both of them wore top hats, and the plushie was additionally decked out in a tuxedo sized for a small filly.

"Now this is living, huh, Starlight," Spike commented, glancing aside into the plushie's glass eyes as he walked. "You know, I first met Rarity at a party much like this... The, uh, the plushie Rarity, of course. Like you. But don't tell either of you I think of you that way. The pony yous." He scratched his head. "Wait..."

The Starlight plushie smiled back at him, perfectly unfazed by the admission.

"Heh. You're a piece of work." Spike continued on his rounds of the second story, mostly sticking to the left wing of the castle with its library and excessive balconies. There was something romantic about looking down at so much good cheer from above, and he told the plushie so, booping it on the nose.

Starlight still smiled.

"You're right," Spike sighed, jumping up on the balcony railing and setting his cider to one side, looking down with Starlight. "I mean, I do know the pony you a little better than I knew the pony Rarity, as of last year. I think? I mean, we live in the same castle. But I wanna get to know you." He tapped Starlight again, tilting her so they were looking into each other's eyes. "After all, you are officially stuck with me, so it would be great if we got along, right? I mean, you enjoyed hanging out with me in Ponyville this afternoon, didn't you? I enjoyed it! I'm sure I've got lots of places to catch you up on!"

Eagerly, Starlight did absolutely nothing new.

"You are also right!" Spike booped her again. "We haven't had nearly enough cider for that kind of talk. Still, I think you and me are going to get along just fine! Now whadd'ya say we go get some more, huh? Eheheh..."

"The cider's flowing; this is... urp! living..." Spike bellowed, swept away in the party spirit on the dance floor. He spun, fizzy golden liquid sloshing, his hat long since doffed by the melee. Starlight's tuxedo was thoroughly ruined, only Rarity's masterful enchantments keeping her velvety fur safe beneath... but she didn't seem to care, beaming just as happily as when they had first met.

Spike staggered his way past a table under the weight of an entire liberated platter of sweets, cramming them three at a time into his maw. "I tell you, Starlight..." he muttered around them, somehow finding room in his mouth for air. "I am going to have the worst sugar crash after this stuff wears off... but that's Future Spike's problem! And I think I won't be him for at least another fifteen minutes. So... urp... What'cha wanna do until then, huh?"

Discarding the empty platter, Spike ducked under a table, hidden from the lights and music and pounding hooves of the happy, chaotic world outside by a thin tablecloth of privacy. He wiped a smear of crumbs and frosting from his lips with the back of a claw, and glanced at Starlight.

"Wow, Star," he remarked, eyeing her up and down. "Can I call you that? Anyway, your suit is trashed."

Starlight smiled back in approval.

"Here, lemme, uhh..." He reached carefully, pulling the cider-stained thing off. "Let me help you with that... Oof."

Tossing the tuxedo to the side, Spike patted his stomach, looking across at Starlight. "Wow. Okay, I think that sugar crash is coming on a lot faster than I had hoped. What do you say we... rest here for a bit before... heading back up to... my..."

The first hints of dawn were appearing in the sky when Rarity leaned against a table, spent, the night's wreckage strewn across the floor in the form of cupcake wrappers, disposable cups and the occasional tarnished and trodden accessory. Crumbs and spills coated the castle floor, and the pitiful broom in her aura paled before the mess.

Pinkie Pie raced by, using her mane as a mop and leaving a large swath of cleaned floor in her wake.

"Tsk," Rarity tsk'd, turning back to the table she was leaning against. "Come now, Rarity. No need to let others make all the contributions for you. You aren't so spent you can't clean up a silly table!"

For emphasis, she whisked the sheet away, tipping the table on its side and preparing to fold in its legs so it could be rolled back into storage. Instead, she was greeted by a loudly-snoring Spike, using her lovingly-crafted Starlight plushie as a pillow.

Rarity smiled gently.

"Oh, Twiliiight," she softly sang, keeping her voice low so as not to wake the sleeping dragon. "It looks like somebody was up past his bedtime!"

"I've got him, Rarity," Twilight whispered, appearing at her side with a wink and levitating Spike in her lavender aura. The plushie stuck to him, wrapped tightly in his little purple arms. She smiled too. "Looks like somepony's present was a hit. Thanks again, Rarity. And you should go to bed! We'll handle the rest of this, but you'll want to be well-rested for tomorrow."

"Of course, Twilight," Rarity assured. "Let me just help a little more, and then I assure you I will get my beauty sleep."

Twilight nodded, walking away, leaving Rarity to turn to the table. "Now, let's see about you..."

She rolled it to a storage closet, pushing it into the last available slot as Rainbow finished with two others. The pegasus saluted when she saw her friend. "You leaving? 'Night, Rares!"

"Something like that, yes..." Rarity muttered, eyes drawn to an alcove where she had left Spike's things earlier. From the looks of it, they were still there. One more good deed of cleanup couldn't hurt, could it?

Padding softly, she drew the bundle alongside her as she approached Spike's door. It was closed, and pressing an ear against it revealed the sound of dragon snores. Apparently Twilight had already put the dear to bed. Not being one to intrude on a sleeping creature's room, Rarity carefully arranged Spike's things so the plushie of herself would be the first thing he saw when he opened it. There! One last good deed of cleanup, done. Humming to herself, Rarity pranced away, mind filled with sleeping masks and white noise machines.

"Mmmph... Nngh..."

Spike shifted under the covers, slowly waking. His stomach felt like garbage.

"Future Spike..." he moaned, sitting up against the backboard. "Why do I always fall for that? Ughhh... Never touching sugar again..."

A familiar, fuzzy, filly-sized lump greeted him next to where he lay. Spike patted it, chuckling as best as he could. "Hi, Rares. What a night, huh? I guess we should get up and..."

He pulled the covers off.

"Starlight?" His brow furrowed, the lilac plushie beaming back at him with a smile in her glass eyes. "Wait, where's Rarity?"

Additional lumps were absent from his bed. Panicking, sugar overload suddenly absent from his list of worries, Spike leapt from his bed, searching in a frenzy beneath it and around the edges. "Rarity? Where are you? What happened!? Did you fall off? I'm so sorry! I..." He stopped, bringing a hand to his forehead. "Wait, when did I even go to bed last night? I was... We were partying down on the dance floor, and... I think we stopped under a table, and..."

The Starlight plushie smiled back at him, seeing nothing wrong with the present turn of events.

"Oh no!" Spike grasped at the sides of his head. "Oh no! Starlight, we forgot Rarity! I forgot Rarity! I've gotta... I need to... Wait there, okay!?"

He leapt for the door, not bothering to tuck Starlight in or bid her goodbye. He was a dragon on a mission, and he slammed the door open, ready to-

Rarity sat patiently outside his door, wearing the same tender smile he had known and loved for every last day of an entire year... every day but one. She had been waiting for him all night long.

Spike fell to all fours, howling. "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!..."

"Rarity, why?" Spike wept, sitting next to the Rarity plushie in his doorway, refusing to cradle her. "I forgot you! After all we've been through together, I left you sitting there all night and shared my bed with another plushie! I'm a fraud!"

The Rarity plushie smiled, gentle and understanding. It made Spike want to cry even harder, and he pointedly ignored the feeling of the Starlight plushie smiling at his back.

"I don't deserve you..." Spike sniffed, wiping at his eyes. "So why are you looking at me like you forgive me?"

Rarity stared into his eyes, her expression glassy and soulful and far more gentle than a plushie had any right to be.

"I'm sorry, Rarity..." Spike leaned forward, hugging the Rarity plushie. He could still feel Starlight's smile on his back, but ignored it, burying his face in the silky-white enchanted fur. "Thanks for being a good friend..."

Eventually, he straightened up, turning to Starlight and holding Rarity in one hand. She beamed at him from the bed with a curious, eager smile, as if she was thrilled to meet him for the very first time.

"Ohh no you don't," Spike said, looking her in the eyes... those same, lovingly-crafted glass eyes that had bewitched him in the first place and caused him to spend the night without Rarity. "I know how you work, Starlight plushie. And I belong to Rarity."

Starlight smiled back at him, impossibly likable, eager to befriend and dying to be loved. Her fur really did have such a perfect sheen, and when he looked at her, a small part of him saw the joy the real Rarity and Starlight had felt at his first reaction to her.

"Well, Starlight..." He sighed, taking her in his other hand and not meeting her gaze as he made for the door. "I guess we learned something, didn't we? At least I did. And now I know what I have to do. I sure hope Rarity and Starlight aren't offended by this..."

Spike left his room, slouching through the halls towards the foyer in search of his friends. Eventually, his ears picked up an animated conversation that sounded like it was between Starlight and... well, mostly Starlight.

"And it went perfectly!" Starlight was in the process of exclaiming as he made it to the balcony. "Rarity thought the whole thing was in good fun, and even suggested we could do it again if getting more proves difficult. But don't you worry, Twilight, I'm just getting started!"

"I'm really... proud of you, Starlight?" Twilight's voice replied, its owner standing out of sight. "I mean, this isn't exactly my area of study, but..."

"I know, I know..." Starlight huffed. "You told me that when I asked you. Anyway, I'm going to go hang around Ponyville and try to decide who to try next. See ya!"

She galloped out the front door, saddlebags flapping at her sides. Spike slid down the railing to the ground floor as the swung closed behind her.

"Oh, hey, Spike," Twilight greeted. "You're up late. I mean, all of us are, but still..." Her eyes brightened at the sight of the two plushies in his grasp. "I see you're enjoying your presents!"

"Um... yeah." Spike hung his head. "Twilight, I know we don't exactly send letters to Celestia or write in that friendship journal anymore, but I think I learned a lesson, and need to... I dunno, tell it to someone to make it stick. And also ask a favor about this Starlight plushie. Do you mind?"

"Um, no?" Twilight echoed. "What's on your mind, Spike?"

"Well, y'see..." Spike set the plushies down, awkwardly twiddling his claws. "After last night, I was... Or maybe during it, with the party and all..." His brain unfocused. "Wait, what were you talking with Starlight about just now?"

Twilight blushed slightly. "Oh, that? Starlight is, um... Sorry, Spike. I have no idea how to say this without being incredibly weird."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "You know, I'm feeling pretty weird myself lately. Shoot."

"Starlight found out..." Twilight took a big breath, preparing to spill everything in one sentence. "That Rainbow Dash apparently won an award for having dated the highest percentage of Ponyville's mare population once a long time ago in some magazine and got it in her head that she can one-up her, and she just tried it with Rarity and apparently it was a big success."

Spike's eyebrows went through the roof. "What."

"Well, didn't you see them yesterday?" Twilight shrugged. "They were practically inseparable. Collaborating on gifts, sitting next to each other at the table... The way I see it is, this is a lot less dangerous and possibly more productive than letting Starlight play with another magical catastrophe-causing spell, so as long as it's in good fun, why not let her do it?"

Spike glanced towards the Starlight plushie. Then the Rarity plushie. He turned them to face each other.

They stared into each other's eyes, honest and curious and loving and accepting.

Getting a little curious himself, Spike nudged both of them, bumping their noses together.

"Youuu wanted to tell me something you learned, though?" Twilight asked, gazing strangely at him as he watched the plushies.

"Uhhh... yeah!" Spike hopped up, grabbing both of them. "I learned that... It's, uh, important not to leave out your friends, and the more the merrier, and all that. Also, these plushies are great. Now if you'll excuse me..." He skipped toward the staircase. "Methinks the three of us are going back to bed."