I didn’t want to get out of bed the next morning. My conversation yesterday with Princess Twilight had me drained like a razor-blade suicide.

I rolled back over and pulled the blanket up over my shoulders. It was warm under the sheets, and the castle had a basement-like chill to it thanks to all the crystal. Made sleeping easy and comfortable, but getting up that much harder.

I stared at the vanity across the room and the odd knickknacks that cluttered the counter. A hairbrush, bobby pins, a messy array of makeups and mane care products. None of them mine, and definitely not Sunset’s. Spare odds and ends for a spare odd and end.

Oh, Sunset…

I hugged my pillow to my chest. It was big enough to curl my hind hooves around, and when I closed my eyes, I was back in the spare bedroom. It was dark, but I knew by the smell and her warmth that she lay beside me.

Just let me pretend…

I took a deep whiff of the pillow and held it in. I couldn’t smell her anymore.

I opened my eyes, and there went the illusion, there went that passing luxury. The curtains framing the window glowed around the edges from the morning light trying to peek in. I rolled over the other way.

What was the point? What was I even doing here? How in the everloving hell did I expect to help Princess Twilight figure this crap out?

And so I laid there. That was something I could do well, at least. Just lay there. Do nothing. Hate myself. Be the piece of shit I always knew myself to be.

I sighed. This wasn’t right. I was wallowing.

I just… I didn’t have the energy for anything but wallowing. All day, every day. It was all I ever really did.

Even Star Chaser hated how much I wallowed. She knew why I wallowed, though. She knew from the very beginning. She was a good mare that I didn’t deserve, like so many other things I didn’t deserve.

And there I went wallowing again.

Just fucking… Ugh!

I forced myself up to my haunches and gave the room another once-over while grappling for something to focus on. Just… took in the silence of this liminal space and all the little nothings that made it feel so otherworldly. Eventually, my eyes landed on the vanity, and the mare I saw in it stared back with tired eyes—eyes tired of being tired. I rolled out of bed and went to give that mare a closer look.

Her mane was a fucking mess. It looked like two raccoons had gotten freaky in it and then died. I didn’t have the energy to brush it. It… it’d just get messy again anyway.

Do it for Sunset, my brain echoed, and the pitter-patter that got going in my chest was enough to make me pick up the brush and get to work.

I settled on doing my mane up in a loose french braid and letting it drape over my shoulder. I gave myself a smile in the vanity. It wasn’t much, but it always got Sunset to smile back. And if I were to be real with myself, I’d had enough days of feeling like shit recently. I wanted to feel pretty today.

Twilight was already up and at it by the time I got to the portal room.

“Mm-mm!” she said with an up-down inflection around a mouthful of toast. She waved me over to the far-right table where we organized our notes, and her wings did that adorable flitter thing pegasi did when excited.

It was… nice, seeing that reaction. She knew how much of a fuck-up I was, and yet she was still happy to see me.

I strolled up to her, and she gave me a hug. She was warm, despite how damn chilly it was in here, and she smelled like pancakes and buttered toast. Must have helped Spike make breakfast this morning.

Her eyes trailed my mane down my shoulder, then back up to me. “You look nice,” she said.

Your mane’s a fucking mess, my brain translated, but up went my smile for the world.

“Thanks,” I said, instinctively reaching up to touch it and pray that it wasn’t the rat’s nest it probably was. “I, uh… yeah.” I trailed off, looking past her at the notes strewn across the table, and then past those, too.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

Her question brought me back to reality, and I smoothed over whatever lingering silence there might have been by clearing my throat. “Okay, I guess. As good as I can after, uh… yesterday.”

A hairline fracture cracked across Twilight’s smile, and her eyes flashed with momentary if subdued panic. Was she afraid I was going to do something drastic?

“We all… we all have our struggles. I’m here if you need me.” She seemed like she wanted to say something else, but wasn’t sure how.

The fun part of me thought back to the looks she gave me on our little breakfast outing. Was she finally growing a pair and coming out?

“So, I hate jumping straight into this,” she said, “but something came up. This is going to sound weird, but I, uh… I talked to Sunset last night. In… in my dream.”

My mind stalled out mid thought. “W-what?”

“She’s okay,” she added before that worry could spin out of control. “She’s just, uh… stuck.”

“S-stuck?”

“Yeah. In the Dreamscape.”

Twilight had mentioned that place when she first caught me up on all they were doing, but I couldn’t really envision what exactly they meant by it.

“You mean like, she’s floating around between dreams or something?”

“Uh, maybe? I’m not really sure what it’s like in there.”

“Are you sure you didn’t bump your head and imagine it?”

A nervous blush overtook her, and the playful side of me wanted to dig into it. It was actually pretty adorable seeing her like that.

“That was my worry, too, in a sense. But for proof she, uh…” She nervously tapped the tips of her hooves together. “She said to ask you about ‘the ball gag’?”

“Wait, the what?” I snorted. I couldn’t help it. Holy fuck, she wasn’t lying. That was a throwback and a half if I ever heard one, and definitely not something she’d have up and casually told the princess about. I broke down laughing. When your best friend gets hit on by some stallion in full BDSM leathers at a rave club, how could you not?

But that meant… she really was stuck in the Dreamscape.

“So what’s so funny about it and do I want to know?” Her voice took on a flat, borderline already offended tone, like she was setting herself up to not be surprised.

“Oh, I, um… it’s just… we visited Manehattan one time way back when and went out to see the nightlife. It, uh… she tells it better than I can.”

She stared at me as if I were demonstrating the use of the offending object.

“It’s not what you think, but it’s…” I couldn’t help the nostalgic smile spreading across my face. “It’s pretty great.”

That hardly reassured her, as she cocked an ear to the side. She gave a slow nod as if reminding herself to put a pin in that conversation and move on.

“Aaanyways,” she said. “They’re safe, but they can’t get out. Meanwhile, the Nightmare apparently isn’t stuck, and we have to figure out how to get them out without letting it loose, and we’re pretty much out of ideas, as you know.”

“You’re going somewhere with this,” I said. I let a grin take over, and the playful part of me I’d let out of its cage wanted to stretch its flirting muscles for the fun of it. Not gonna lie, she was kinda cute when she put on her serious face.

“Sunset said your father works in the Canterlot Research Department?” The upward inflection glinted hopefully, like gold in a coal mine, but my brain was the canary that just keeled over.

There went the happy mood. The playful part of me scampered back to its cage with its tail between its legs, and my heart did that thing where it feels like it just wrung itself out like a sponge.

I… I hadn’t thought about Dad in years.

“Yeah…” I said.

Twilight’s hopefulness turned to worry. “Oh, I-I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to—”

“It’s fine, I… it’s, what do you…” I sucked in a slow breath to steady myself. I wasn’t smiling away the world—I couldn’t now—but I was composed. “What do you need?”

She hesitated, flicking her ears back and forth as if unsure whether or not she should ask, now that I’d gone and fucked over her clear conscience. “Could you… could you talk to him for me? Maybe? Or at least get me in contact with him?”

Oh. She wanted his help.

“It’s… not that simple,” I said.

Again with the ears. “May I ask why?”

Because I lied about who I was my entire life and destroyed my family in the process.

“I haven’t talked to him in a while.”

“Oh. Well, there’s no time like the present to fix that! Parents love hearing from their kids.”

No. That was a lie. Maybe her parents loved hearing from her, but that made sense. Parents liked being reminded of their successes, not their failures.

“Hey,” Twilight said, putting a hoof on my shoulder. “Whatever it is you’re thinking, I’m sure it’s nothing a long talk can’t smooth over, or at least get you two back on track toward, um, amiable conversation?” She found the smile she was looking for earlier, and it radiated as much hope as it did ignorance.

If only I could be stupid enough to believe her. What I wouldn’t give to just… I could feel myself trembling, and I took a shaky breath to calm myself. It didn’t help much.

“Like Starlight said yesterday,” she continued. “We’re stuck. We’re in a holding pattern while we wait for Sunset and Luna to work things out in the Dreamscape. But now we also know that they aren’t making any headway. And like I’ve been saying from the beginning, we need all the help we can get.”

I breathed in through my nose, let it out, and smiled for the world. “If it helps. I can do that.”

“Also,” she said. “About yesterday…” She seemed to hem-haw about whatever it was. “Regarding Sunset.”

I was enough of a wreck inside that her name alone had me on the ropes. My throat cinched up, and I had to concentrate on standing upright.

“Yeah?” I said.

“You said the other day that you were dating Star Chaser.”

Oh… I knew where this was going. I didn’t need anypony telling me off for the shit I’d done, least of all the Princess of Friendship herself.

“Princess, please don’t. I don’t need to be reminded of how—”

“This isn’t me saying you’re a horrible pony. I’m not, nor will I ever say that. I’m not judging or condemning you in any way.” She put a hoof to her heart. Her eyes were filled with a pain I hadn’t seen in another pony.

Was that… empathy? Did she honestly think I deserved even the time of day from somepony like her?

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t have brought it up now. I just… I want to understand. So that I can help.”

What did I say to that? Thanks? It seemed like the right answer, but I couldn’t find the strength to say it.

“Okay,” was all I got out. That familiar tightness in my chest returned like an animal back to its den. It got hard to breathe, but I kept my smile going.

She threw her hooves around me in a hug. That was the last thing I expected, but it was the most welcome feeling. Truthfully, I had never felt quite as safe as I did right there.

I hugged her back to let the moment be, and damn it, if her little smile wasn’t contagious. This whole Princess of Friendship thing fit her really good.

She let me go when I was ready—which I was, really—but there was only so much I could prepare myself for what she asked of me.

“I’m here to listen,” she said. “Whenever you’re ready to talk, that is. I don’t want to push.”

“I know,” I said. I sniffled and wiped my nose. “I should get going.”

To her credit, she didn’t stop me. I knew she wanted to. That look on her face said it all.

But I couldn’t stand that much empathy from somepony who arguably had no incentive to give it, so I headed out.

I took the next train to Canterlot. It was a nice ride. Twilight paid for a first-class seat. Not a luxury I was used to, but it meant I had the car to myself, just me and my thoughts. I didn’t know if that was good or bad. At the very least, nopony could see me being a hot mess.

I stared out the window most of the trip, listening to and feeling the cla-clack of the train tracks. The way the countryside rolled by reminded me of the train ride Sunset and I took to Manehattan.

Manehattan.

I smiled at the thought. I remembered the sunglasses shop, the rave club I dragged her to. That fucking ball gag. I laughed quietly to myself.

But my smile turned sour at another, darker thought. At that point, Sunset was already falling for Nocturne, as she called her.

Was she already too far gone then? How different would things have turned out had I just said what I wanted to that night in the hotel room? Or the park the week after?

My brain ran the gamut of possibilities, but no matter how much I wished, I was as much a coward then as I was now. This all happened because of me, and here I was doing something about it only after Princess Twilight did her damnedest to convince me. And even then, my help was marginal at best.

Did she even need my help, or did she simply pity me?

Honestly, I was just getting in their way. What did menial labor like drawing circles mean if not to keep me from fucking up something important? Sending me on a fetch quest for my dad was just another way to get me out of the castle and away from their project.

I was trying my hardest, but even my greatest triumphs were peanuts compared to their day-to-day life.

The train pulled into the station, and I followed the crowd out the doors. The station thrummed with the bustling of business ponies and loved ones returning to open hooves from vacation trips and a small group of school foals on a field trip.

I shuffled through until I got to the main street I knew too eerily well and headed north, toward the castle. It was midday. Dad would be down in the research labs if he still worked there.

If he still worked there.

A wave of cold dread ran down my back. I honestly didn’t know, it had been so long. I hadn’t so much as written a single letter to tell them I was okay.

I just… it was all too much, and I was so ashamed. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do that to them.

Hey, yeah, so I fucked off because Mom threw me out like the trash that I am. But hey look! Here’s a letter. Because the last fucking thing you all need is a reminder that my gay ass exists. Sorry I haven’t blown my brains out yet. I’m not a good enough daughter to even do you that courtesy, apparently.

“Copper?”

I gasped as that single word brought my train of thought to a grinding halt. A wave of goosebumps ran up my legs, and my heart hammered in my chest as I grappled with the disparity between hope and reality.

I knew that voice. Never in a million years would I forget it.

Trembling, I turned, and there among the ponies shuffling through the street stood a grey unicorn mare with a long snowy mane and piercing blue eyes.

“Whistle?” I said.

Author's Note

Somehow, I skipped over this chapter when posting chapters. Sorry for that! Hope this doesn't ruin your reading progress or whatever.