The Royal Padded Guard

One late morning with the sun slowly climbing through the sky shining down on the palace of Canterlot. A white-coated stallion unicorn with a shiny golden mane, deep blue eyes, and a wavy gold mane and tail with a cracked helmet for his cutie mark was nervously shaking in a large open conference room inside Canterlot palace. It was a simple long carpeted room with a few windows on each side with the table removed the room was very open. The stallions stood on the left side with them all just staring at a white painted wall with their serious stares. The queasy royal guard in question shifting his hooves; trying to stand straight amongst thirty other of his fellow guards ponies, was named Leaky Guard. These royal guards stood in this long empty boring room eagerly awaiting for the selection process for the promotion to Celestia’s main bodyguard that was about to begin.

As Leaky Guard finally settled in rank he still quivered knowing he was nowhere near as good as these other ponies. With their perfect stature and sharp looks as with him, his mane was a mess and his armor was dented. But he also heard some creaking from down the line and peeked over to see another pegasus stallion guard fidgeting with his armor. Leaky Guard chuckled as he recognized the royal guard as his best friend Cannon Feather with his cutie mark, a cannon shooting feathers printed on his rump. The stallion was known for being as clumsy and incompetent as he was.

Then the silence was instantaneously broken with the doors bursting open and a lean pink unicorn mare with a long flowing purple dress and a perfect purple mane tied in a tight bun with her tail also in a bun strode into the room. “Sorry for being late, I had some things to take care of before coming here.”

The soldiers all blinked owlishly in confusion at the mare and she blushed and continued, “oh let me introduce myself. My name is Mrs.Paddington and you thirty have been selected out of the royal guard to be promoted to Princess Celestia’s personal bodyguard. But first, you must answer a series of questions that will determine whether you have the ability to become her personal bodyguard. Now the rules are simple, I will read each question one by one if you stay you're saying yes to the questioned answered. If they become too embarrassing well you can leave and you will be graded on how long you stay.”

Leaky Guard squealed as he thought, what kind of questions is she talking about!? I didn’t know we had to study for this!

The mare with her magic took out a notepad and a quill then cleared her throat. “Alright let’s begin, the first question have you hugged your mother in the last month?”

The stallions all blushed at the question but everypony stayed as Leaky Guard sighed in relief, knowing he just hugged his mother a few days ago when he went to see the old mare for her birthday. Mrs.Paddington chuckled looking at her notepad and continued, “Okay next question have you had thoughts of being her foal again?”

A dozen stallions rolled their eyes and walked off grumbling about this being a practical joke. But the other twenty-eight stayed as Leaky Guard blushed, “I did think that a few times, especially after boot camp. But what do these questions have to do with being Celestia’s bodyguard? Mrs. Paddington continued, “alright now if you were ordered too would you call Princess Celestia mom?”

Seven more guards stormed off as the other twenty-one stayed behind all their faces turning a deep shade of red. Leaky Guard stirred in his hooves as the pink coated mare gazed upon the ponies that stayed behind with a smirk as she continued, “Alright next question if you had to only eat food that was blended or mashed would you do it?”

Every single stallion stayed with Leaky Guard thinking in the back of his mind how soft food like mashed potatoes or smoothies would be easier to digest, and you wouldn’t have to worry about choking.

The mare had to stifle her laughter with a hoof and give a few deep breaths as she asked, “the last question, if Celesta ordered you to wear a diaper with you armor would you do it?”

A silence fell over the royal guards with five bursting into laughter and walking off. But of the sixteen stayed behind Leaky Guard cringed thinking that these silly questions must be testing their loyalty. But one by one the embarrassed royal guards left the room some just bursting into a full gallop out the door. By the end of the exodus, only four stallions were left standing, (that’s including Cannon Feather and Leaky Guard) and the mare wrote something in her notepad. “Well I'll write your names down and Celestia will go through your answers and will be the final judge in choosing the stallions she sees as her main bodyguard. Thank you for your participation.”

The mare strode out of the room as Cannon Feather flew into Leaky Guard squealing, ”you hear that! We could be Princess Celestia’s main Bodyguard!”

Laky Guard smirked and asked,”so...you would put on a diaper with your uniform?”

Canon Feather rolled his eyes at the notion as he scoffed. “Oh come on this test was clearly just used to test our loyalty there’s no way we would have to call Celestia “mom” or wear diapers. That would be insane!”

Leaky Guard sighed as he thought that Cannon Feather was right he wouldn’t really ever have to wear diapers it was some stupid test of loyalty. Leaky Guard turned to Cannon Feather with a smirk,”yeah you’re right lets just get out of here and grab something to eat I'm starving.”

Later that evening Leaky Guard was running down the hall of Canterlot palace as fast as he possibly could. The stallion squeaked as he ran right into a group of butlers and sending them all down on their rumps shattering plates and cups all over the hallway. The guard groaned as he got up and stammered, “s..s...sorry!”

Leaky Guard continued to run as fast as he possibly could gasping for breath as he waved through a crowd of stallions and coming upon the bulletin board near the front entrance to the palace. There posted in black thick letters was the sign that read Prometees toThe Royal Bodyguard underneath it was the names of four ponies who have been given the title, Cannon Feather, Bucket Bridle, Bright Wing.

Leaky Guard’s heart stopped in his chest as he read his name at the bottom of the list Leaky Guard, “my..my name it's on there oh my Celestia! I can’t believe it!”

He squeaked as the rest of the guards near him cheered and clapped him on the back. The unicorn turned to his best friend Cannon Feather. Who was just as happy flew over embracing Leaky Guard shouting, “we made it! We bucking made it!"

The unicorn smirking hugged Cannon Feather back. “Yeah, we did! It was really amazing!”

Cannon Feather scoffed ruffling Leaky Guard’s mane. “We should go and party tonight for our victory what do you say?”

Leaky shook his head blushing thinking of his new girlfriend. “Sorry I can’t, I promised Feather Duster I'll go out with her tonight whether I did or didn't make the promotion.”

The royal guards all dawwed sarcastically and laughed at him. Making Leaky Guard roll his eyes these stallions were single and young making him one in a few with a very special somepony. He jabbed back. “Hey, at least I have a marefriend.”

They all oohed and continued mocking him as the fluster unicorn snapped back. “You guys suck! You know that!”

He grumbled stomping off with Cannon Feather fluttering behind him who commented in a concerned tone, “hey they were just messing with you.”

Leaky Guard slammed a hoof over his face and dragged it across his face. “I know that it’s just annoying.”

But Mrs.Paddington strolled up to the two stallions. “Congratulations on becoming Celestia’s bodyguards.”

Cannon Feather gave a clumsy bow as he thanked the mare. “Thank you Mrs.Paddington that was quite a test.”

Leaky Guard also nodded and added, “yeah I didn't expect that at all. I'm assuming those questions were testing our loyalty right?”

Mrs. Paddington gave a smirk as she answered them, “oh yes they were and you two did excellent that was amazing. Now I just need to get your measurements for your new uniforms.”

Cannon Feather clapped his hooves together with a smile on his face with pure excitement. “Seriously we get our own uniforms!”

Leaky Guard was also excited and asked, “that’s awesome! so you have a fitting room?”

Mrs.Paddington waved a hoof as she explained, “oh it's going to be fast, I’ll just measure you in a private area. ”

The two stallions shrugged and they followed the mare to a small visitor room and they locked the door. The mare got out a measuring tape and asked, “now this is an odd question but I'm going to need to measure your rumps and penises?”

Both stallions squeaked at what she suggested and Leaky Guard’s face turned white just thinking what his mare friend would do to him if she found out and asked in a surprised tone, “Wait what for!?”

Cannon Feather shrugged and stammered, “I...I don’t mind you can measure my uh penis.”

The mare nodded and started with Canon Feather measured every area of the stallion even putting a measuring tape between his rear legs. The stallion squeaked as she held the tape and mumbled, “wow good size.” Canon Feather beamed a face of pride knowing he was gifted with a rather impressive stallionhood.

The mare then got up mumbled pulling out the measuring tape and lifting her notepad and a quill she began jotting some notes as she commented. “Well Cannon Feather you are rather impressive I believe a “large." is perfect for you.”

Cannon Feather laughed and scoffed, ”a large huh!? I always knew it was large!”

Mrs.Paddington giggled and Leaky Guard rolled his eyes. Cannon Feather was one of those stallions who got over excited over every stupid compliment from a mare. Especially those about his penis for some reason.

The pink coated mare the turned her attention to Leaky Guard who shivered as she pressed the tape to his rump, then she proceeded to measuring his hips and then eventually took the tape underneath his rear legs. Cannon Feather waited with enthusiasm shuffling in his hooves for her declaration on the size of Leaky Guard’s penis.

The mare whispered,”hmmm..interesting.”

Leaky Guard blushed, knowing she was referring to a stupid birthmark on his underbelly that looked like a pony’s face was between his thighs. The mare got up from the ground jotting the measurements and concluding, “from your measurements I declare you are a medium.”

Cannon feather scoffed flexing his wings, ”a medium! I knew I was bigger than you!”

Leaky Guard glared at Cannon Feather wanting to punch his smug grin with a hoof. Then turned to the mare and wondered, why did she have to measure our penises much less our rumps? He then asked with a questioning tone, “I don't mean to be rude but what is this all for?”

She dismissively waved a hoof and continued writing. “Oh, it's for an important part of your new uniforms and don't fret they should be delivered at your homes by tonight.”

Leaky still confused asked, “wait, that's it? What about our chest and helmet measurements?”

She giggled, “oh we got the information way in advance from when you were last fitted. Now go on and enjoy your evenings I need to get your uniforms ready and shipped.”

She strode off leaving the two stallions with nothing better to say or add. They just shrugged and they walked off down the castle halls. Cannon Feather scratched the back of his mane and mumbled. “What in the hay is going on?”

Leaky Guard shrugged “I have no id....” He then squeaked seeing a clock overhead reading five thirty p.m.“I'm supposed to meet Feather Duster in thirty minutes! She’s going to kill me if I'm late!” He then ran out of the room and down the hall as fast as the stallion possibly could.

A grey coated pegasus mare who was wearing a fancy silky red dress, with her black mane tied and braided named Feather Duster was sitting in a fancy “Statalion" restaurant with high vaulted ceilings, circular tables with silky white table coverings and snazzy looking waiters delivering wine or plates of pasta. Feather Duster grumbled as she tapped a fork on her empty plate looking up at the clock overhead seeing it was six P.M. She slammed a hoof on the table. “He better be here before that minute hand moves.”

Leaky Guard in a tuxedo burst through the doors and ran across the restaurant bumping into waiters spilling glasses of wine and plates full of pasta. He then slammed his rump on his chair across from his mare friend and gasped, “I made it.”

Feather Duster growled seeing that the clock read six-oh-one and shouted, “your one minute late! You have any idea how annoying it is!!”

Leaky Guard rolled his eyes knowing this was going to be one of Feather Duster’s famous rants as she continued on, “I had to clean all of Princess Celestia’s room to get off early. I made sure I was here at five thirty and been here for thirty minutes waiting for you.”

Leaky Guard groaned laying back in his chair hearing Feather Duster blab until she finished and settled down. A waiter then came by and asked in a nervous tone. “So uh...what would you like to order?”

Feather Duster rolled her eyes and grumbled, “I'll have spaghetti.” Leaky Guard just nodded and mumbled, “yeah me to and bring us a bottle of very strong wine.”

The waiter quickly wrote down their orders and left as Leaky Guard sighed rubbing his forehead, “Just give me a break. I just passed the promotion test I'm one of Princess Celestia’s personal bodyguards!”

Feather Duster sat down with a blush forming on her face, “oh sorry congratulations, I heard that the test...was...um...different. While I was cleaning Celestia’s room I overheard some guards saying that there was a question about wearing diapers with your armor?”

Leaky Guard crossed his hooves,”yes there was, it was a test that was done to prove my loyalty to Princess Celestia.”

Feather Duster asked in a questioning tone,”so you don’t think it’s weird of all the stallions within the royal guard she chooses you. The guard who can barely get through the day without breaking some ancient vase, or screwing up your reports.”

Leaky Guard got up and was going to shout something at his mare friend but the butler arrived with their food, shaking all over noticing that the tension grew enormously. He quickly places plates of spaghetti near both ponies and a big bottle of wine between them, “if you two need anything else...uh just let me know.”

He quickly left the table and Leaky Guard shouted, “you have no idea how hard it’s been to get this far! Maybe Princess Celestia saw something in! Maybe the princess had that question because she wanted to know that her personal bodyguards were so loyal that they would wear a diaper with their uniforms if ordered to!”

Feather Duster rolled her eyes pouring herself a glass of wine. “You're not getting what I was saying before! I'm saying that it seems odd...I think you should consider not taking the promotion.”

Leaky Guard sat down chomping on his spaghetti as he asked, ”why? You don’t believe in me?”

Feather Duster sighed and continued in an apologetic tone, “darling your a great stallion and very nice there’s no debate about that. But you're just not cut for higher responsibilities. So it just doesn't make sense on why you were picked for the promotion.”

The stallion crossed his hooves. “It’s not like I haven’t proved myself. I helped coordinate the defense against the changelings when they attacked!”

Feather Duster rolled her eyes, “yeah then you ran off cowering behind a suit of armor.”

He gulped realizing she was right about that and continued, “well what about when Celestia and Luna went missing? I searched all over Canterlot for them.”

Feather Duster rolled her eyes while sipping her wine, “which you just went around in circles and didn't find a single thing.”

Feather Duster put her glass of whine down and asked, “remember how when we were in Cloudsdale meeting my parents and after we learned that some mare named Tempest enslaved all of Canterlot?” Leaky Guard groaned putting a hoof over his face and mumbled, “yeah I remember.”

Feather Duster continued, “You came back trying to prove yourself saying you would have taken her down in one hoof if she was here. Then every guard laughed at you.”

He blushed and sank lower in his chair. “Yeah, I..I was just saying…”

Feather Duster took his hoof and whispered. “What I'm trying to say is that you're a good stallion...and a great colt friend...but...well...”

He looked up with a nervous expression not wanting to hear what she had to say, His mare friend sighed looking back into his eyes and finishing her thought.”You're a coward.”

Leaky Guard glared at his mare friend for some time thinking, how could she say that? He took his hoof out from his Feather Duster’s grasp and threw a bag of bits on the table as he got up. “I'm not hungry.”

Leaky Guard then stomped out of the restaurant with his marefriend looking down into her glass of wine thinking, that was stupid of me...I should just give him space and let him mull things over.

That night as he was slowly walking on the empty cobbled streets back to his house thinking about what his mare friend said. Maybe he was a coward that was over his head, maybe he should just quit being a royal guard altogether. Then something crashed in front of Leaky Guard sending the stallion onto his rump. He shook his head and his vision was blurry but the mare picked herself up revealing it was Derpy throwing a giant package off her back. She turned gasping with sweat pouring from her forehead and asked in a bubbly manner. “Excuse me are you Leaky Guard?

The stallion was rubbing his head and mumbled, “yeah that's me.”

She smiled and took out a clipboard. “just sign here.” Leaky Guard took a quill with his magic and scrawled his signature. She then gave a clumsy salute and continued in her bubbly manner, “thanks, for...uh...your uh...service.”

Leaky just shrugged and mumbled,”yeah sure.”

The grey pegasus then flew off as he shook his head, I don’t even deserve her respect.

Leaky took the package onto his back and slowly crawled into his house and dropped it on the ground with a loud boom. He blinked as he read the label new uniform for Leaky Guard from Guardian Angels Co. “keeping little colts safe for seventy years.”

The stallion whispered, “little colts? Is that what Celestia think of us little colts who are incapable of doing anything?”

He took out his keys and cut the packaging and he lifted out a piece of chest armor painted in a baby blue color. He then took out a helmet painted in the same fashion as the chest piece. The stallion gulped looking at the pieces of armor and whispered, “why is the armor painted in such a foalish color? What the buck is going on!?”

He then put his hoof into the package and pressed into something plastic and soft creating a very audible crackling sound. He peeked inside and gaped in horror, “no...thi..this is some sort of joke. I thought that question was just about proving my loyalty!”

He then took out a giant baby blue package and in big white poofy font was “Guardian angels diapers” with Adult M printed on the bottom right corner.