The Barmare

by JimboTex

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Original Character, Porn, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Sex
Length: 10753

A man and a mare get locked in a bar. One thing leads to another, and sex ensues.

At the tender age of twenty-five, Adam DeGroff never expected to end up in a land of magical, sapient pastel ponies. Nevertheless, he has wholeheartedly embraced the lifestyle of the natives, and now works at a bar in Canterlot, where his unique stature and talent for “flairtending” have made him popular with the bar’s regular customers, and with one mare in particular that he works with.

Little do either of them know, however, that accidentally getting locked in the bar overnight will lead to a rather passionate display of emotions...

Contains: gloriously smutty interspecies filth, teat play, Lonely Island memes, hornjob, a certain sex act that goes by the number sixty-nine, vaginal, creampie, and questionable fire safety regulations in Equestria.

Author's Note: Despite having almost none of the worldbuilding of the Derrenverse, I consider this to be "Derrenverse-adjacent" due to the use of a character from Chapter Eight of Greater Lights: Adaptation.

Pre-reader: BikerPon3

Published 2018-04-10 16:10:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-10 16:10:06 UTC

The Kind of Love You Literally Clean Up With A Mop And Bucket

“Hey, Jazz Hands! Gimme a Daybreaker!” came the deep, rumbling basso of the pudgy unicorn stallion that had just seated himself at the bar—one of The Whickered Stallion’s ever-growing number of regular customers.

The human behind the bar smiled brightly. “Sure thing, Sparky. Just try not to overdo it this time, eh?” He was already tugging open a small fridge on the floor with the rubber-lipped sole of his shoe.

“Ah, you know me, Jazzy!” Sparky retorted to the human’s hunched-over back as he deftly retrieved the ingredients from the fridge. “I know my limits!”

Adam, known to both regulars and some of his coworkers as “Jazz Hands,” gave a short chuckle and tsked under his breath before setting to work. He nimbly twirled a bottle of Neighley’s Capallian Cream in one hand like it was a pistol as he set a shot glass in front of Sparky. The newly free hand shot out and nabbed a bottle of Kahlua in one smooth motion as he rolled the other bottle over his elbow. He caught it just as he sent the Kahlua bottle airborne in a soft lob over his left shoulder. The Capallian Cream soon followed a reverse arc, and he caught both bottles with a professional ease, gently cradling each as it landed in an open hand.

Twirling the pair of bottles once more, his next move was so quick, one might’ve missed it if they blinked. As if by magic, the bottom third of the shot glass filled with Kahlua, with a small bartending spoon held against the rim of the glass. The Kahlua bottle was already reseated on the bar, all without a drop spilled. Adam then carefully filled another third of the shot glass by running the Capallian Cream over the spoon, setting the bottle next to the Kahlua with a dull thunk.

And that was when the real magic began. Now juggling four bottles, two of which were the Kahlua and the Capallian Cream, Adam’s time as a street performer when he first arrived in Equestria was paying off in spades. With a surgeon’s precision, the Kahlua bottle was caught on its fourth pass and set back down on the bar, followed shortly by the Capallian Cream, and thereafter by a previously unused bottle of rum.

The final bottle, consisting of Grand Mare-iner, was snatched from the air and placed in the upturned crook of his elbow, then allowed to roll down into his waiting hand. Another twirl of the bottle, and the contents were shortly added to the shot glass in the same manner as the Capallian Cream.

Though the glass was nearly full, the drink was not yet finished. Adam took the rum and carefully added two drops to the mixture and deftly lit a match. At first, nothing happened. Then, a thin, six-inch tall flame flickered into being. Adam handed the stallion a tall bar straw, which was quickly inserted into the flaming mixture. As soon as Sparky began sucking on the straw, however, the fire instantly extinguished itself.

In less time than it had taken to prepare the concoction, the shot glass was empty once more. Sparky let out a loud belch, producing a small smoke ring. “Perfection,” he declared with a lusty-sounding sigh.

At his pronouncement, the bar patrons erupted into a thunderous chorus of hoof-stomping and raucous cheering, momentarily drowning out the techno music booming from a jukebox at the back of the tavern. Adam took a deep bow, then stepped back for a moment to bask in the applause as modestly as humanly possible.

“And that’s why this place is now one of the most happening night spots in Canterlot,” came a familiar feminine voice, seductively caressing his ears.

Craning his head slightly in the direction of the voice, he beheld a figure that brought a smile to his lips, and set metaphorical butterflies into a frenzied fluttering in his chest. A powder blue unicorn with steel gray eyes was smiling back at him, her wavy russet mane constrained by a floral print headscarf. And while he couldn’t see it from the angle at which she was standing, the moonlit cocktail glass adorning her flank was frequently at the forefront of his mind.

“Really, Eve?” he retorted with a teasing grin. “And here I was thinking it was the pretty tavern wenches that brought in the crowds.”

A coy giggle bubbled forth from Eve’s lips. “I’m pretty sure this is all you, hon,” she replied, fluttering her eyelashes seductively.

“Well, shucks, ma’am,” Adam replied modestly. “It’s just part of the service I provide for this fine establishment.” With that, he winked at her.

Evening let out a slightly flustered-sounding nicker. Just before she could say anything, however, a drink order destined for one of the tables was placed on the bar before her. Wordlessly, she picked it up in her gray levitation aura and turned away from the bar. She glanced back at him once before trotting off to serve the drink, putting an exaggerated sway in her hips.

Adam watched with barely concealed longing as she left. Her chosen mode of walking caused her luxuriously flowing tail to sway back and forth like a pendulum. One particularly energetic swing sent his heart rate through the roof, almost certain that he’d gotten a peek at her nethers when it did so.

A voice from behind pulled Adam from his reverie. “You wanna rut her silly, don’t you?”

An exasperated sigh erupted from Adam’s lungs. Not even bothering to look back, he replied, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Golden Chalice.”

A harsh, barking laughter met his words as the brown coated stallion slid slyly into his peripheral vision. His silver mane gave an immodest bounce from the inertia as he came to a halt.

“Hey, don’t play dumb with me, Jazzy,” Golden said, lightly jabbing the human in the ribs with a teasing forehoof. “It’s not exactly a secret that you two have been lifting each other’s tails with your eyes when you think nopony’s looking for the last few weeks.”

Adam turned to fully face the unicorn, whose shit-eating grin did not waver in the slightest at receiving the full brunt of his baleful gaze. As if unaware or uncaring that he was digging his own grave, Golden Chalice continued ribbing Adam. “You’re a lucky bastard, y’know?”

“Why’s that?” Adam inquired, a dangerous hint in his words.

Golden ran a not-so-innocent eye of his own over the mare they were discussing. “You’re not the only stallion here who wouldn’t mind a roll in the hay with Evening Glow. And yet, she only seems to have eyes for the more... exotic ones.”

If looks could kill, the one Adam aimed at Golden would have decimated Manehatten. But as much as he wanted to lay into his coworker and esrtwhile friend, the rational part of his brain reminded him that all that would accomplish would be to get him into hot water with his boss. One calming breath later, he let his irritation at Golden’s antics dissipate, and his expression morphed into one of concern. “Does Lime Chaser know?”

Golden waved a dismissive hoof at the mention of the bar’s owner. “Nah, that old coot couldn’t smell a mare in heat if she whipped his snout with her musky tail.” He leaned in, and in a conspiratorial tone, he whispered, “And even if that weren’t the case, you’ll be fine, so long as you keep it on the down low, ya hear me?”

Adam’s gaze was understandably skeptical. Given the stallion’s history, Golden was probably the last pony he would rely on for relationship advice. “I dunno, Goldie,” he said, folding his arms across his chest. The black and silver silk bowling shirt he was wearing hugged his contours as he did so. “Still seems unprofessional to me. And you know as well as I do that workplace relationships don’t have a very good track record. Just ask Primrose.”

To his credit, Golden flinched at the memory of the stormy relationship with his ex-marefriend, and how it had almost cost him his job.

“I’d rather not,” he grumbled, casting a quick, nervous glance around Adam’s head at a pale yellow earth pony mare serving a customer at a nearby booth.

“Anyway,” Adam continued, worry evident in both his tone and his expression, “What if the boss does find out?”

Adam’s concern was met with a derisive snort from the stallion. “C’mon, Adam! Do you really think he’d come down hard on his golden boy?”

As if for emphasis, Golden jerked his head to indicate a row of tip jars. Each jar had a scrap of paper taped to it bearing the name of one of the bartenders working that evening. While each of the jars contained a fairly respectable smattering of bits, one such jar, with the name “Adam DeGroff” written in Equestrian script, was twice the size of the others, and was full to the point of nearly overflowing.

Seeing that his friend was still looking unconvinced, Golden pressed further. “C’mon, what’s the harm in living a little? After all, that’s what we’re helping these ponies do. It’s not a crime to seize some happiness for yourself, and you’ll regret it forever if you don’t try.”

“I suppose it’s worth a shot…” Adam reluctantly conceded.

“That’s the spirit!” Golden cheered, rearing up and clapping him solidly in the back with an encouraging forehoof. Staggered just a little, Adam couldn’t help but chuckle and shake his head ruefully. Goldie may have been a goofball, but he couldn’t help but like the hapless stallion.

Just then, the jukebox, which had been silent during their conversation, roared back to life with a booming, strangely hypnotic beat. The lyrics, for the most part, were in the pony version of Korean, and were just as incomprehensible to Adam as their human equivalent. The only thing he could make out was the chorus, where the singer declared himself to be a “mother-father gentlecolt.”

With little more than an eyeroll at Golden’s antics, Adam threw himself into the task of entertaining the increasingly inebriated crowd of ponies that had come to watch him work his magic, even managing to work a silly dance appropriate to the music into his act. The crowd ate it up, and their adulation made the hours seem to fly by.

And through it all, Evening Glow watched him with rapt attention whenever she could spare a moment between customers.

The last patron had left the bar an hour ago, a particularly tipsy pegasus mare with a lilac coat and dirty blonde mane that had to be escorted out by Lime Chaser himself after drunkenly propositioning Adam. “Ten outta ten, would bang!” she had slurred as the owner nudged her out the door with a forceful headbutt to her rump.

Shuddering at the memory, Adam worked in silence as he quickly set about organizing the stockroom. The bar had already been wiped down, and the used glasses had been washed and placed back in their proper storage for the next night. Evening Glow was still wiping down the last of the tables and putting chairs away. Besides her and Golden, Adam was the only other being in the bar at the moment.

Lime Chaser had long since finished counting the tills and distributing the tips to the staff—which, at Adam’s insistence, had been divided evenly among the employees—and had gone home for the night, leaving the responsibility of locking up to Golden Chalice.

Just as he got the last carton of booze put away, a very welcome voice tickled his ear. “Wow, we sure went through the supply tonight, huh?”

Adam was smiling even before he turned to confirm that the voice from the door to the stockroom belonged to the mare who’d been occupying his thoughts lately. “You can say that again, Eve,” he replied, watching her walk into the slightly musty room. “I’m just glad we’re getting that supply shipment in the morning.”

Evening Glow slyly bumped her flank against his hip, favoring him with an impish smile. “Well, you only have yourself to blame for that, Jazz Hands.”

Adam snorted at the mare’s use of his nickname. “Then maybe I should tone it down to save the boss some cash,” he retorted, tongue planted firmly in cheek as he gently flicked her ear.

Said ear flicked a few more times on its own, and Adam swore he could’ve heard a soft moan rattling in her throat. Her tail thrashed about as if possessed for a few seconds.

“You should really be more careful about that,” she chided, though Adam sensed that her discomfort had nothing to do with the intimate nature of the gesture. “Golden’s still here, and if he catches us, you know we’ll never hear the end of it.”

The sheepish grin Adam was wearing was not entirely false. “Sorry about that.”

Evening couldn’t help but let out a bemused snort. “Look, I’m not saying I’m opposed to it. Just not here, while we’re at work, okay?”

“Gotcha.”

Evening’s expression softened considerably, and she jabbed him playfully in the ribs with a forehoof. “C’mon. Let’s just finish up and get out of here. We can talk about more serious things some other time.”

Adam nodded, more than a little relieved that he hadn’t committed any serious faux pas with her. “I’m almost done here. I just need to take inventory. Then I can grab my coat and”—his voice turned hopeful—”maybe accompany you home?”

Evening scoffed. “I’m a full-grown mare. I think I can handle walking the rough streets of Lower Canterlot in the dead of winter.” After a moment, her bravado faltered and she shot him an appreciative gaze. “But if you’re going to go out of your way to be a gentlecolt, I suppose I won’t object to the company. It can be a bit lonely at times.”

Adam smiled back at her before turning his attention back to the checklist pinned to the clipboard in his hand. He methodically made his way down the list with practiced ease, and was finished in the space of only a few minutes, fully aware of Evening Glow’s gaze upon him the whole time.

“And that’s the last of it,” he said at long last, jotting down the final entry and looking back up at Eve.

“Took you long enough,” she scolded playfully, sticking her tongue out at him.

Adam retaliated in kind before ducking into the employee cloakroom in order to grab his coat. In less than a minute, he had retrieved it from the hanger in the pony-sized cubicle that had been assigned to him and donned it as effortlessly as walking. He emerged once more into the gloom of the nearly empty establishment, lit only by the embers of the dying fire in the hearth and the gray-tinted radiance of Evening Glow’s magical aura.

“Ready whenever you are, Eve,” he announced, favoring the warmly smiling mare with one of his own. They made for the door, but only got a few steps before Evening suddenly stopped short. Adam’s forward progress was halted by an intangible tugging on his bowling shirt.

“Adam,” she called out, a hint of worry in her voice. When he looked back at her, he noticed that her ears were pricked up and swiveling randomly like adorable little fuzzy radar dishes, and her irises were the size of pinpricks relative to her large eyes. “Wasn’t there supposed to be somepony else with us?”

Adam’s brow furrowed in thought as he recalled who else was on the closing crew. “Well, Goldie, of course. He has the key to lock up when we’re done, after all. Why?”

Evening’s ears drooped. “I don’t hear him anywhere around, do you?”

At that moment, the bottom dropped out beneath Adam’s stomach. “Crap.” He drummed his fingers sequentially against the bar as his mind raced. “Maybe he hasn’t left yet?”

The hopeful tone in his voice rang hollow to him even as the words left his mouth, but they seemed to placate his companion. “Let’s give the place a once-over to be sure,” she said.

The search, despite being both thorough and efficient, ultimately proved fruitless. Both man and mare bolted for the front door the moment they realized as much. Adam, who had been closer, reached the bar’s foyer just seconds ahead of Evening, and firmly grasped hold of the doorknob. It rattled loudly in his hands, but the door refused to budge.

Adam swore. “We’ve been locked in!” He cast a glance at Evening. “I don’t suppose you know any lockpicking spells, do you?”

Evening cocked her head to the left, and her ears gravitated towards the floor. “That’s a thing?” she wondered, muzzle scrunching up in puzzlement.

Adam’s face stung from the force with which he slapped his palm against it in response. “I’ll take that as a ‘no,’ then.”

“Back door’s locked, too,” Evening supplied helpfully. “Looks like we’re locked in for the night.”

Adam’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Well, that’s just great. And the weather report said that it was supposed to get down to near freezing tonight.” He tried to peer into the deep shadows beyond the boundary of Evening’s little sphere of magical light. “Do we at least have enough wood to keep the fire going until Lime Chaser gets here in the morning?”

Evening frowned. “No, and even if we did, I wouldn’t recommend it. If something caught fire, we’d have no way out.”

“Fahrvergnügen.” Adam slammed his fist down on the bar in frustration. He took a long moment to compose himself, running his other hand through his hair as he did so. Finally, he looked Evening in the eye. “Do we at least have some means of keeping warm? Somehow, I don’t think our workers’ comp policy covers after-hours hypothermia.”

Evening brought a hoof to her chin and cast her gaze to the ceiling. She then looked thoughtfully at the large periwinkle saddlebags she was wearing. “Well, I have some spare mageglow jelly that I keep in my saddlebags for emergencies. It should do the job fine, but…”

Noticing her hesitation, Adam raised an eyebrow. “But what?”

Adam couldn’t say for certain, but he could’ve sworn the mare’s cheeks were turning rosy in the dim light of her horn. “Well… um… It doesn’t exactly project all that far. We’d still have to… y’know…” Her next words came out as a barely audible squeak. “Stay close together…” She shook herself like she was trying to get dry, and her voice regained its earlier strength. “Y’know, for warmth.”

Adam’s heart raced, and it wasn’t just at the thought of being in such close proximity to the mare he fancied. Seeing this side of her, in such stark contrast to her earlier flirtatious behavior, made him realize that she was just as nervous about the prospect of advancing their relationship as he was. That vulnerability was making him ache for her even more.

“W-Well,” he started, wincing internally at the sudden deprivation of his ability to speak without stuttering, “I suppose we should get started, then.”

Five minutes later, several tables had been pushed aside to create a clear space in the center of the tavern. The pair were now basking in the incandescent glow of the can of denatured alcohol jelly, as content as could be, given their situation. For added insurance against the cold, they were huddled together under a blanket that Adam had fished out of the emergency supply kit in the back of the bar.

Despite her earlier hesitation, Evening Glow was reveling in the close proximity to her human friend that their predicament had imposed upon them. His left arm was draped over her withers. The sensation of his hand gently combing through the fluffy tuft of chest hair created by her winter coat felt absolutely divine.

As an added bonus, the two were pressed together so tightly that Adam’s nose was buried in her wavy mane. The notion that he was taking in her scent with every breath set her ears to flicking, and sent her thoughts to flights of rather intriguing fantasies.

“This is very nice,” Evening purred languorously, her heavy eyelids fighting to stay open. If she wasn’t careful, she’d fall asleep from his ministrations, and sleep was the last thing on her mind at that moment.

Adam’s light chuckle tickled her hairs with his warm breath and sent shivers down her spine. “It must be,” he stated, a teasing note to his voice, “I can feel your tail lashing against me like a happy puppy.”

Without a word, Evening lit her horn. The blanket was lit from below in shades of gray similar to that emitted by her horn as she magically willed her tail into stillness. Tilting her head back, she playfully stuck her tongue out at him.

He barked a short laugh in response, then playfully flicked her ear, setting it to twitching once more. “You’re no fun,” he mock pouted.

Surprisingly, Eve rose to the bait. “Oh, I’m plenty of fun,” she retorted, rolling onto her side. The motion had the added effect of pressing her rump into his groin, though her tail and his pants prevented any direct contact between them. The arm he had been using to caress her chest floof was now hooked under a foreleg. “You just…”

Her words died in her throat, both from nervousness, and from a wave of pleasure from his all-encompassing presence that sparked a familiar warmth in her nethers. With flushed cheeks, she leaned back against him, taking care to not skewer his handsome alien face with her horn.

She blinked. Handsome? She’d never thought that way about him, and yet, the more she thought about it, the more certain she became that he fit that description. Sure, the sexual tension between them had been running at a fever pitch all night, but there was more to her growing feelings than just that. He was kind. He was funny, and he was very talented with his hands. Most of all, he was generous, both with the extra profit he brought in, and with his heart. In an odd sort of way, he was everything she wanted in a stallion, just in an unusually-shaped package.

And with that realization, all her apprehension just melted away like snow in the springtime sun, returning to her the power of speech. “You just have to find the right buttons to press,” she said at long last, throwing him a devious smirk over her shoulder as she ground her rear against him.

Adam blinked. Was she actually asking him to go further with her? He couldn’t deny that she was a very attractive mare. And for all his faults, Goldie had been right about one thing: with the way they’d been flirting recently, there was no doubt that they’d wind up in bed together at some point. He just hadn’t expected it so soon.

Not that he minded in the slightest. She had been his first friend in Equestria. She had advocated to Lime Chaser on his behalf when he’d finally worked up the will to apply for the job—after much prodding on her part, if he was honest with himself. She had always been there with a friendly pony ear whenever life’s troubles threatened to get to him. He owed her a debt of gratitude that might take the rest of of his life to repay. Who was he to deny her what they both clearly wanted?

“I suppose I do,” he heatedly whispered in her twitching ear, sending another shiver down her spine. He felt the solid muscles of her torso flex as she shifted her weight, leaving a sudden void against his now tented pants. The void wasn’t there long, however, as she pressed her rump against him once more, this time without her tail to get in the way.

“Oh my,” she gasped the moment she came into contact with the physical evidence of his ardor for her. Her surprise quickly morphed into a teasing giggle. “I seem to have found one of your buttons.”

Oh, it is on, Adam thought, a renewed determination entering into his being. “Y’know,” he admitted, his hand resuming its task of tracing patterns in her chest tuft, “I’ve never tried to find a mare’s pleasure buttons before. This should be an interesting learning experience, eh?”

“Well, you’re in luck. Class is in session, big guy,” she smirked up at him. “Why don’t you start by showing me just how... talented those hands of yours are?”

He smiled tenderly at her. “As you wish.”

Slowly but surely, Adam’s hand slithered its way down Eve’s chest, taking its time to map out every curve of her body as it wound its way lower. His other hand was occupied with gently scratching her behind the ears, eliciting pleased-sounding nickers from the mare in his arms. Said mare watched his wandering hands with interest, more than content to let him touch her wherever he wished.

At long last, the fur beneath Adam’s fingers started to thin out, and he found himself touching the low swells of Eve’s teats—much further down her body than he would’ve expected, had she been human.

“Say, Eve,” Adam’s voice drew her from her blissful trance.

“Yes?” She was having a bit of trouble focusing on his words, as his fingers had managed to snag a nipple amidst the thin hairs of her coat. Another wave of pleasure rocked her, and she could feel her labia wink wantonly against his rock-hard spire that was so tantalizingly close, yet so frustratingly confined in his trousers.

“I’ve been meaning to ask: are a mare’s teats particularly sensitive to touch?” He idly rolled the nipple in his fingers as his other hand moved down to join in on the fun.

She couldn’t respond. But she didn’t have to, either. The shuddering intake of breath; the wildly flicking ears; the insistent, rhythmic thrashing of her tail beneath the blanket; her blissfully closed eyes; the adorable-sounding whinnies of pleasure rattling her throat—all of it served to answer for her.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’ then.” Adam’s voice was oozing smugness as is right hand joined the left in playing with Eve’s teats. He reveled in the pleasured spasms of the mare as his fingers gently stroked every inch of her equine mammaries.

One particular wave of pleasure caused her to arch her back, pressing her withers against his chest. He used the opportunity to reach up with his right arm and secure her wildly thrashing form. Once she had stopped squirming, He leaned in, and gently kissed the scruff of her neck, breathing deeply of her heady scent. All the while, his left hand continued to amuse itself amidst the heavenly mounds that might someday provide nourishment to newborn foals.

As he drank in the shimmering, wavy hairs of her mane, he spied her magical appendage, which was currently glowing softly. The gray color of her magical aura contrasted with the pale glow coming from the can of pony Sterno. Something about it reminded him of some of the dirtier jokes he’d heard from working in the bar.

What the hell, it’s worth a shot.

Like a great white shark charging its prey, his gaping maw closed in on Eve’s horn. Swiftly, his lips clamped down on it, his tongue lightly grazing the spiral grooves of the keratinous protrusion. With absolutely no warning, the sudden surge of pleasure violently expelled a gasp from her lungs, which was shortly followed by a loud, rather lewd-sounding moan.

Capitalizing on the distraction, Adam proceeded to bob his head up and down on her horn, his tongue bathing every inch of it as he went. Eve’s breathing became ever more ragged as he continued lavishing the magical appendage with oral blandishments. Further south, Eve’s marehood continued to wink at a regular pace against the cloth barrier covering Adam’s hard-on, the material rapidly becoming damp from the generous deposits of female arousal being heaped upon it.

At long last, Eve could take no more, and with a particularly lewd wink of her nethers, her back arched, and she let out a silent scream as she fell over the edge into an orgasmic abyss. Her horn, still occupying Adam’s mouth, let loose a torrent of sparks that dissipated harmlessly against the back of his throat, leaving him with nothing but a pleasant tingle and an aftertaste of fizzy rock candy.

“Hey!” Eve shouted in outrage once she caught her breath, “No fair!” She looked up at him, ears folded down and lower lip protruding in an unbelievably adorable pout. “I thought you were just going to use your hands!”

Adam shot her a sheepish grin. “Sorry, Eve. I just couldn’t resist.” The smile turned impish. “Besides, you didn’t explicitly say I could only use my hands.”

Eve replied with a sinister smirk of her own. “Oh, yeah? Well, two can play at that game!”

With that, her horn lit up, unceremoniously throwing the blanket onto a nearby table, exposing them both to the elements. With yet another flare of her magic, his crotch lit up, sending a retaliatory wave of pleasure surging through Adam’s body. An intangible force gripped his member, radiating up and down the steely spire like an invisible hand.

Adam gasped at the pleasurable sensations clouding his mind, struggling to maintain any semblance of composure as Eve magically jacked his cock and fondled his balls. His heart was threatening to burst from his chest, his pulse was racing, and beads of sweat began to form on his brow as the pleasurable assault in his pants continued.

“Hey!” he tried to shout, only to have the word be drowned out by a ragged groan that bubbled up from his loins. He managed to get the next words out in between gasps, however. “That’s not fair!”

“Sorry, Adam,” Eve retorted, not sounding the least bit sorry at all. “I couldn’t resist.” Smiling sweetly at him, she twisted the knife even deeper. “Besides, you didn’t explicitly say I couldn’t use magic.”

“Very funny, Eve,” he muttered, only to receive yet another childish display of tongue from the mare he was fondling. The same mare who, he belatedly realized, was already back at work in a bid to get him to paint the inside of his underwear white.

Desperate to regain some semblance of control of the situation, Adam’s hand left Eve’s teats to venture further southward. As his fingers reached her randomly winking labia, they slipped on a particularly wet patch of fur, suddenly sliding halfway down her nether lips before the motion was arrested by his wrist lightly slapping against her body. His hand was now cupping her vulva, and he became highly aware of just how wet she had become from their illicit activities thus far.

This mare… Adam’s heartbeat picked up to keep pace with his racing thoughts. He locked eyes with her, seeing his own emotions reflected in her features. This mare… so beautiful… so cheerful… so kind-hearted… so deeply into me, as much as I am into her…

Another magical squeeze on his loins unceremoniously yanked him from his heart-felt reverie.

And so fucking cheeky...

On Eve’s next wink, he used his ring and index fingers to hold her open while his middle finger slipped inside. Hearing her gasp at the sensation of the intruding appendage wriggling around inside her spurred him on. He pulled the finger back to just the first knuckle, then plunged it back inside. Slowly, methodically, he began to piston his finger in and out of her treasure trove, gradually picking up speed as he reveled in each gasp, nicker, and lewd moan his ministrations produced.

In the midst of a particularly strong wink, he added his index finger to the equation. It lightly grazed her clitoris on the way in, triggering a decidedly pornographic-sounding, inarticulate noise of approval to issue forth from his lover’s mouth. He smirked at the reaction. I may just win this “race” to make the other partner cum first, after all.

Eve wasn’t about to simply lie back and take it, though. The glow around her horn—and consequently, the glow around his loins—intensified. Adam’s mind was assailed by a fusillade of pleasurable reports from his loins. It was as if he had suddenly sprouted a dozen dicks, and each one was currently buried in a warm, wet, gently squeezing tunnel of pony flesh—a promise of things to come that instantly shattered his bravado and made him much more uncertain of who the victor in this contest would be.

Nevertheless, he gamely pressed on. Each time her love nub popped out to greet him, he strummed it with his thumb. On each retreat of his fingers from her depths, they’d scrape along the upper wall of her inner sanctum, as if tracing an invisible line leading back to her winking bean. At one point, he even pulled his fingers out and, with his thumb and pinky each reaching for a nipple, managed to play with all three of her joy buttons at once.

It was enough to break Eve’s concentration for a moment, her eyes rolling back in her head as she gave out another rapturous whinny. More fluid gushed from her nethers, and while her horn glowed brighter, there were no sparks to indicate that she’d just had an orgasm.

Undeterred, Adam tried a new approach. Gritting his teeth against the relentlessly pleasant magical assault on his manhood, he pulled away from Eve just long enough to reposition himself near her backside. He adjusted his grip on her, absently noting that his fingers were digging into her cutie marks as he did so. With a suddenness that drew a startled yelp from his lover, he yanked her haunches toward his face.

Eve’s tail automatically flagged to the side as she sensed his eyes on her rump, and he was now graced with his first full-on view of his lover’s genitals. Her winking, drooling slit was covered in a light dusting of fur that was several shades darker than the rest of her coat, and below that, he could just make out the very teats he’d been playing with only moments ago. And even though he wasn’t normally a fan of anal, the protruding equine sphincter just above his target was coated in a light glaze of her own arousal that threatened to give him the weirdest craving for donuts.

To him, it was the most beautiful sight he’d ever seen. He stared at it for as long as he dared, so as to keep a mental picture of their first time together in his mind for the rest of his days.

Another intangible squeeze down below set him twitching, spewing forth a glob of personal lubricant. Some of it stained his underwear, while the bulk of it oozed down his still-turgid pole to pool in his groin. Now reminded that he was falling behind, he set his sights on Eve’s holy temple once more, determined to fight fire with fire.

The moment Adam’s tongue made contact, a needy whine tore from the mare’s lungs. Her hind legs partially buckled, and he was forced to grasp her flanks firmly in order for her to stay upright. She eventually managed to regain her balance, but the fun was just beginning.

Being the cunning linguist that he was, Adam deliberately avoided touching the throbbing bud playing hide-and-seek with him. Instead, he ran his tongue along her delicate folds, lightly scraping the heavenly juices off her inner lips whenever they flexed open. Before long, Eve had gotten worked up enough to start lightly thrusting her haunches in his face, even as she continued to magically work him over.

His breath was ragged, and his manhood was pulsing in tune with his accelerated heartbeat from Eve’s telekinetic stimulation, now freely leaking lubricant all over its cloth prison. Fully aware of how close he was to prematurely blowing his load in his pants, he made one last-ditch effort to bring Eve over first, or failing that, to make her go over the edge with him. His tongue dove headlong into her honeypot, eagerly drinking her nectar straight from the source. At the same time, his fingers joined his tongue in playing her like a harp.

In the end, his valiant effort was in vain, as the dam finally burst. His breath was torn from his lungs with a strangled growl as with a series of powerful throbs, jet after jet of hot, sticky seed splashed uselessly against his underwear. As he caught his breath, defeat washed over him. Despite a serious trembling in her hind legs and several flares of her magical ember, he was dimly aware that her horn still refused to spark off in that telltale sign of unicorn orgasm he’d been informed of.

He’d come close, but close only counts in horseshoes, hand grenades, and tactical nukes.

Once he had finally recovered the power of speech, He shook his head at the victoriously grinning mare. “You are one naughty filly, you know that?” he grumbled, cringing internally at the viscous mess rapidly cooling in his pants.

Silvery laughter tickled his ears. “It’s alright, dear,” Eve cooed, nuzzling him tenderly. “You tried your best.” An adorable pout bloomed on her muzzle and her ears wilted as she glanced back towards her still-swishing tail. “It’s a pity, though. I was so close to getting off.”

Adam raised a hand. “Umm, I could still get you off with this.” He stuck out his tongue. “And thith.”

Eve’s pupils shrank to pinpricks, and her breath caught in her throat. “You’d do that for me?”

Adam reached out and gently booped the mare on her snout with a still-damp finger. “Of course I would, you silly filly. We’ve come this far. It’d be a real shame for it to end without you getting the pleasure you deserve.”

The resultant adorable scrunch fading from her muzzle, Eve’s eyes shimmered with unshed tears as she regarded her lover. Her emotions soon overwhelmed her, and she suddenly launched herself at the still-sitting man.

Adam grunted, the breath ripped from his lungs as their bodies collided with enough force to knock him on his back. Now lying atop him, Eve fervently pressed her lips against his. Despite his natural surprise at his first ever kiss from a mare, especially given the suddenness with which it had come, he eagerly returned it as his arms snaked around her barrel. One hand found the back of her head, gently kneading her skull and the base of her ears, while the other busied itself with massaging the muscles along Eve’s spine.

Eve’s tongue lightly pressed against his lips, as if requesting entry. Her request was soon granted, only for her tongue to be met with his as the passionate battle was joined. Back and forth they fought for dominance. Eve’s tongue beat a strategic retreat, letting him explore her mouth for a bit before unleashing her counterattack, relentlessly pushing him back into his own mouth as she returned the favor. She could taste the remnants of her carnal deposits on his palate, and a primal shudder ran through her body as her tongue lightly grazed the tips of his canines.

Eventually, a lack of air forced the pair to reluctantly part lips. Eve tenderly nuzzled his cheek before rising to her hooves. “Well,” she said, bearing a lopsided grin and giving him a cheeky wink, “If you’re going to be so generous as to help finish me off, I suppose the least I could do is clean up the mess I made of your clothes, huh?”

Adam’s lips spread in a teasing, ferret-like grin. “If that’s how you want to play it.”

Eve merely rolled her eyes, unable to keep her own smile from showing as she turned around to assess the state of Adam’s pants. Sure enough, there was a substantial damp spot in the crotch. Some of it was hers, some of it his—whose was whose was hard to say, not that it’d matter if Lime Chaser spotted it. All the more reason to clean it up, she thought.

She quickly got down to business, carefully undoing the clasp on his pants with her magic before easing the zipper down. Her lover obligingly lifted his hips to make it easier for her to remove the obstructive article of clothing keeping her from her goal. It didn’t take long for her to discover the second, equally damp layer of clothing.

She let out a sharp huff, and her ears flicked irritably. She cast a slightly miffed glance back over her withers. “I know you said your people have a nudity taboo, but this is ridiculous!”

All Adam had to offer in response was a sheepish expression. “Yeah, well, I didn’t ask to be born in a society that’s prudish about sex compared to Equestria, but there it is.”

Eve’s tail flicked of its own accord as she regained her composure. The awareness that the involuntary motion drew his eyes to her rump made any momentary frustration vanish into thin air. “Well, I suppose I could see it as being kind of like an early Hearth’s Warming present...”

She felt rather than saw Adam’s impish smirk. “That’s the spirit!” he cheered facetiously.

Her lover’s amusement proved infectious, and the pair’s laughter filled the otherwise empty tavern. Her spirit lightened, Eve gingerly tugged down the last remaining garment covering the undiscovered country where no mare’s eyes had gone before.

Her eyes widened as she beheld the glistening fleshy spear before her. It was certainly different from a stallion’s, what with the mushroom-shaped tip and all, and it in its semi-flaccid state it wasn’t nearly as big, but she doubted she would be disappointed in its ability to satisfy her. Already, the wet spire seemed to be calling to her, the moisture coating it seeming to dance hypnotically in the low light of the can of mageglow. An intoxicating cocktail of distinctly male scents tickled her nostrils. Mesmerized, she found herself lowering her head to get ever closer to it, her jaw going slack and her tongue extended to lap up his essence as if she were dying of thirst.

An unintelligible noise spurted from Adam’s lungs as Eve’s broad equine tongue lovingly lavished his spire from base to tip, collecting every last drop of expended virility into her mouth. He watched with rapt attention as she swished the offering around experimentally. Judging from her closed eyes and the happy humming sound she was making, she didn’t seem to mind the taste at all. In fact, he noted, his breath hitching, she seemed to be going back for a second helping…

Eve smiled to herself as she set to work polishing Adam’s knob, all pretense of “cleaning him” gone as her tail instinctually rose to offer herself to his viewing pleasure. Sure enough, his fingers began to dig pleasurably into her cutie marks, and she moaned around the raw maleness in her mouth as his warm breath washed over her winking, drooling slit.

And that’s when the fun truly began, much to Eve’s surprise. She let out a muffled squeak as his manhood began to revive from her ministrations. Like a perverted stalk of corn on a time-lapse, it rose up and began to expand, slowly filling her mouth and hardening like tempered steel as her tongue swirled around it.

Before she could even react to this sudden revelation, Adam’s grip on her rump shifted, and his thumbs pried her marehood open. Her nethers twitched in anticipation, and after a torturously long delay in which his amused chuckles rippled across her throbbing bean, his tongue finally began to lap up the nectar oozing out of her flower.

The progression of their passion play continued in such a manner for some time, each bob of Eve’s head on his rod prompting a retaliatory probe of her sopping gash from Adam’s tongue. Every now and then, Adam would mix things up by inserting a finger into his lover’s aching core. The familiar pressure of impending orgasmic release was building up in both of them, and a particularly intense throb and gushing release of liquid arousal from the shaft in her mouth prompted Eve to come to a decision.

Reluctantly, she pulled off of Adam with a particularly wet-sounding slurp. A thin strand of saliva stretched tautly across the gap between them, snapping as he twitched lewdly in the cool atmosphere. She spun around to face him, her smoldering gaze smothering Adam’s incipient protest at the abrupt end to his playtime.

“I need you inside me,” she declared heatedly. She lowered her haunches and, with the aid of her magic, deftly seized his aching need between the plush curves of her rump. “Besides,” she added, giving him a meaningful squeeze with her rear muscles, “It’s cold out there, and I just messed up your clothes. The least I could do is help you stay warm.”

Without any further preamble, Eve’s telekinesis brought his tip into contact with her loins. A low moan tore itself from her lungs, and her nether lips parted in a particularly hard wink, allowing the oddly-shaped head to slip inside. The intrusion sent an overwhelming rush of endorphins to Eve’s brain, robbing her of breath. Her hind legs buckled, sending the turgid pole surging into her nethers. Her walls hastened to part before him, as if rolling out the red carpet for an honored guest.

“Sweet Celestia’s flaming teats!” Eve gasped, now fully impaled on her lover’s shaft. She didn’t move for a long moment, just savoring the sensation of being stuffed deliciously full of something that wasn’t rubber and running on mana batteries. Even better, the rigid rod seemed to be touching her insides in all the right places.

Despite the shock of suddenly being buried to the hilt in hot, wet, rhythmically clenching marehood, Adam managed to keep enough composure to smirk at his lover. “That good, eh?”

Not trusting herself to speak, Eve merely nodded before leaning forward and tenderly kissing him on the lips. In response, he enveloped her in his arms. Caught up in the throes of passion, his hands wandered all over her body, gently kneading her flesh as they went.

Eve’s tail thumped twice, tickling Adam’s testicles as she rose up, then dropped herself back down on his crotch. Taking the move as a sign that she was ready to begin, Adam’s hand left Eve’s mane and snaked down her body towards her haunches. As they gazed deeply into one another’s eyes, Adam took firm hold of Eve’s flanks.

With Adam’s hands helping to steady her, the two began their amorous dance in earnest. Their initial gentle rocking motion soon turned into frantic pistoning, a wet squelching noise quietly issuing forth each time their loins met. The air was filled with gasps and moans from the writhing duo, and the stench of sweat and carnal sensuality was strong enough to bowl over anyone who might have walked in at that moment.

Eve, her fur coat shimmering with a light lather from the exertion, clung desperately to Adam as she endured the rapturous pounding of a lifetime. Her magical ember was burning hot enough to feel like she was halfway to sparking off already, and they hadn’t even been going at it all that long. Down below, her nectar was leaking out around Adam’s manhood at a steady rate, and her clit was giddily sliding back and forth along the pleasure stick in a steady rhythm.

Adam had no words to adequately describe the intense pleasure he was receiving from Eve’s body. The rhythmic squeezing down below was almost painfully intense at times, but the massive waves of pleasure he was riding drowned out the slight, infrequent discomfort. Every inch of her—inside and out—felt heavenly, and he lost himself in her lips more than once as the lustful pounding continued.

But all good things must come to an end, and so it was with the pair’s passionate tryst. For the second time that evening, Eve hit her breaking point, announcing her climax with a loud scream and a burst from her horn that sent motes of magical ember all over the writhing duo. Down below, a gush of mare juices drenched Adam’s loins, mixing in with the earlier remnants of their lovemaking.

It was the powerful squeezing of the mare’s inner walls that pulled Adam over the edge with Eve. He hilted himself one final time, grasping her tightly as he unloaded into her clenching depths. Several powerful blasts of his essence splashed against the entrance to her womb, marking her as his mare.

Several moments passed as they came down from the peak of pleasure. Gradually, their breathing returned to a normal rate as they gazed adoringly at one another. One of Adam’s hands was already strumming through her mane, as if it automatically knew what she needed.

Their lips met again, tenderly this time. When the kiss ended, Eve buried her nose in the crook of Adam’s neck, as if savoring his post-coital scent. She then kissed him gently on the nose before nestling in the comfort of his chin once more. Every now and then, her forehooves would languidly paw at his chest.

It was some time before Eve spoke. When she did so, it was with brows furrowed in earnest puzzlement. “I’m curious about something.”

Adam, who had been on the edge of succumbing to weariness, perked up at her words. “What about?”

She raised her head and looked him in the eyes like a mother trying to shame a confession from an unruly child. “How’d you even know that unicorn horns are sensitive when channeling magic, anyway?”

A low chuckle was her response as Adam likewise recalled the “surprise” he’d given her when things started getting hot and heavy. “Let’s just say that Goldie talks too much.”

Eve blew a raspberry at that. “Somehow, that figures.”

She lapsed into silence for a moment, nuzzling into his chest. The lateness of the hour, coupled with the exertions of their vigorous display of passion, threatened to lull her to sleep. Her weight shifted, and a happy jolt ran through her at the resultant revelation that they were still connected in the most intimate manner possible outside of telepathy.

Eve was suddenly thankful that he couldn’t read her mind at that moment. The fact that he could recover much quicker than a stallion presented all sorts of interesting, naughty possibilities. While she was certain he’d be willing to accommodate her, given that generous spirit of his that she’d fallen in love with, it wouldn’t be fair of her to request it. They were both too exhausted at the moment. Instead, she decided to broach a slightly different subject with him.

“You know, we should do this again sometime.”

Adam stared at her, his sleepy gaze searching. “What? You mean, being locked in the bar overnight?”

An amused snort burst forth from Eve’s muzzle, and she jabbed him playfully in the chest with a hoof. “No, you goof! I’m talking about us having sex. And—” she hesitated, biting her lower lip adorably “—maybe more?”

That woke Adam up just enough to get his brain running at full speed. One eyebrow raised skeptically as he caught her implication. “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

Eve frowned, and let out a low sigh. “Probably not,” she admitted, ears wilting momentarily. But as she studied his bowler shirt, a new determination set in. She rallied, looking him square in the eyes. “But I’m willing to take that risk. Are you?”

Shocked at being put on the spot like that, Adam was unable to respond for a bit. He took a moment to collect his thoughts and try to think about what he really wanted. In the end, he realized that what he really wanted was her.

Just as Eve was beginning to lose hope that she’d been anything more than a one-night stand to him, however, the arm draped over her withers squeezed her tightly. His other hand gently cupped her chin, bidding her to hold his gaze.

“Eve,” he declared in a voice thick with emotion, “I would gladly take that risk, as well.” His hand shifted from her chin to her cheek, a loving smile gracing his face as she leaned into the contact. “How could I not, after seeing you so willing to do the same for me?”

Eve’s eyes shone with gathering moisture as she beheld her lover… No, her coltfriend. An overwhelming feeling of longing rushed through her, and she eagerly pressed her lips to his once again. This time, the passionate kiss lasted until she could no longer feel his hand running through her mane. When she parted from him again, his eyes were closed, and his breathing was soft and steady, a light snoring disturbing the air.

Eve’s silvery giggles rang out softly as she lightly bumped her snout against his nose before laying her head down on his chest, allowing the steady beat of his heart to thrum hypnotically in her ear. Well, the ending wasn’t quite as perfect as I might have wanted, her fatigued mind reasoned, but that doesn’t matter. I love him regardless.

With that admission firmly entrenched in her mind, the last thing Eve did before surrendering to the warm embrace of sleep was to use her magic to drape the hastily discarded blanket over their weary forms once more.

A week had passed since the “lock-in,” and the couple were now sitting across from Golden Chalice at a booth in the corner of Donut Joe’s, plowing through a plate full of the eponymous pastries at a prodigious rate. The booth’s seats were made of a sturdy hardwood with a lacquered finish, upholstered with soft, pillowy cushions. The table, made in the same style as the seats, was unadorned, but crafted in a manner that felt homey, well-suited to the snazzy donut shop’s atmosphere.

Adam’s arm was draped over Eve’s withers as they regaled the stallion with the tale of what happened that fateful night—hitting the high points, while omitting certain details. They may have been willing to tell him that they were a couple now, after all, but they had agreed that the sexual side of their relationship—which had proven to be quite vigorous in a week’s time—was a highly private matter.

“Oh, come on,” Golden whined, his eyes narrowed to show he wasn’t buying it for one minute. “Seeing the way you two are all over each other now, especially with the way you two were looking at each other all night back then, do you really expect me to believe that nothing happened other than you two deciding to become special someponies?”

“Yes,” Adam declared flatly.

“That’s not what Lime Chaser said when he was chewing me out the next day for accidentally locking you in there,” Golden grumped into his iced coffee.

Eve blanched, and Adam was initially grateful that he hadn’t been drinking anything at that moment, or else the stallion sitting across from them would’ve been drenched in scalding hot, heavily adulterated coffee. Come to think of it, that might have been a missed opportunity for karmic comeuppance, he thought.

Golden’s eyes gleamed in triumph, and his grin bore all the warmth of a cat toying with its prey. “Aha! I knew it! Something did happen between you two that night! The looks on your faces tell me everything I need to know!”

He then burst into peals of maniacal laughter as Adam took a calculating sip of his coffee, eyes narrowed in concentration. Yep. Just the right amount of heat. Goldie should enjoy this…

Before he could comply with Golden’s request in a personally satisfying, but rude manner, he felt the gentle touch of a familiar hoof on his arm. He turned to see Eve’s adorable eyes trained on him, silently imploring him to reconsider his course of action.

With great reluctance, he swallowed his coffee. Fuck me, I can’t say “no” to those eyes. Not that I’d want to…

And if Adam was being honest with himself, he couldn’t hold a grudge against Golden for his nosiness. Sure, the stallion could be trying at the best of times, but he often meant well, and his quirks often had a strangely endearing quality to them that prevented anyone from staying mad at him for too long.

With only the briefest of glances to receive Eve’s confirmatory nod, Adam let out a low sigh as he faced Golden. “Okay,” he began, both conciliatory and resolute in equal measure, “Before I confirm or deny what you probably suspect, I want you to promise me that none of this leaves this table.”

“Oh, suresuresure…” Golden agreed hastily, sounding perhaps a bit too eager to hear the juicy details to fully realize what he was agreeing to.

“Goldie…” The warning tone in Adam’s voice was unmistakable.

“Alright, alright,” Golden whined. He raised a hoof and closed his eyes in solemnity. “I promise on my honor that I will not speak a word of this to anypony.”

Eve smiled at him, apparently satisfied by his answer. “We appreciate your sincerity, Goldie.”

She let out a happy sigh and settled into Adam’s side, allowing him to wrap his arm even tighter around her barrel. Taking this as a sign to be more open with their companion, Adam spoke.

“Yes, we did engage in certain adult forms of amusement that night. We agreed to start dating in the messy aftermath, right before falling asleep.”

“Messy, eh?” Goldie’s smirk made it clear that he was savoring this revelation. “Did you at least clean up when you woke up?”

“With a mop and bucket, among other things,” Adam replied with a wicked grin, as if Golden’s appetite for the lewd details was infectious.

“We finished just as Lime Chaser was fumbling with the keys to unlock the front entrance,” Eve added helpfully. “We explained that it was an accident, and he seemed to accept that.”

Golden nodded sagely. “Ah. I was wondering why he didn’t come down on me as hard as he could’ve.” He cocked his head sideways, a curious expression dawning on his features. “I actually tried calling out to you two before I left. Why didn’t you respond?”

Eve put a hoof to her chin and scrunched up her muzzle in thought. “It must’ve been while we were in the stockroom,” she said.

Golden winced. “Yeah, that explains it alright. The insulating material in there is very good at soundproofing. I should’ve thought of that before locking up. Sorry.”

Eve smiled at his penitent expression and gently laid a reassuring hoof on him. “Don’t be. After all, it was your mistake that finally allowed Adam and I to get together.”

Despite the sheepish grin he was wearing, Golden allowed himself to puff up with pride. “Well, I do my best in the name of love.”

Eve let out a derisive snort, and Adam rolled his eyes, though both were smiling at the stallion’s antics. The conversation lapsed into silence as they dug into the last remaining layer of donuts on the platter. Adam took the opportunity to do some productive introspection.

It’s funny, he thought, idly chewing on his donut, I come from a long line of bartenders. Hell, one of my dad’s cousins is known back on Earth as the “King of Cocktails.” He swallowed another gulp of coffee and shook his head. He’d always wanted to get away from the family business. The desire had influenced his choice of college, where he’d honed his talent for juggling. Who knew what might have happened if he hadn’t suddenly found himself in Equestria, doing the very same line of work he’d been trying so hard to avoid?

The pointed prod of a horn against his ribs drew him from his reverie. “Bit for your thoughts?” Eve asked, gazing up at him with her pretty steel gray eyes.

“Just musing on the crazy, wonderful turns my life has taken.” He leaned down and gently pecked the top of her snout. “And how I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

A happy hum escaped Eve’s muzzle as she pressed herself against his side. He gently squeezed her as he took a sip of his coffee, almost forgetting about the third party present.

“So,” Golden piped up at that moment, sounding every inch like a nosy mother-in-law, “When can I expect some grandfoals from you two?”

Unbidden by anything except the shock of Golden’s glib prodding, a spray of hot liquid erupted from Adam’s mouth, splashing against the stallion’s muzzle and covering a good portion of the remaining donuts. He then descended into a fit of coughing as some of the liquid managed to spill back down the wrong pipe.

“Goldie!” Eve hissed in protest as she rapped on Adam’s back in an attempt to help him recover.

“Oops!” came the muffled reply from behind the handkerchief Golden was using to dry both himself and the drenched pastries. “Sorry!”

“Seriously, dude,” Adam interjected, having finally recovered his breath, “Eve and I haven’t even been together a week, and now you’re prestering us for foals? What gives?”

Golden gave a nonchalant shrug. “Yeah, there’s no certainties in life, but with all the unresolved romantic tension between you two until recently, I figure the odds are in your favor to stay together long enough for the subject to come up.” A smug grin wormed its way onto his muzzle. “Besides, heat season will be here before you know it, and you two ain’t gonna be twenty-five forever. Biological clock’s a-tickin’.”

“First off,” Adam countered, “That’s none of your business. Secondly, in case you haven’t noticed, we aren’t exactly the same species. I still don’t know much about how biology works here, but I’m pretty sure our genes are incompatible.”

He looked at Eve to gauge her reaction. While she was obviously disappointed at the biological realities of their relationship, the thoughtful expression that quickly descended upon her suggested that she wasn’t about to reject the notion as an outright impossibility just yet.

As the gears turned in her mind, indecision weighed on Adam. Sure, he loved Eve with all his heart, and if he had to admit, he wouldn’t mind having children with her someday if it were possible, but weren’t they jumping the gun just a bit to be thinking about it now?

At long last, Eve’s eyes brightened in sudden revelation. “Actually, it might not be such a pipe dream after all.”

“What do you mean?” Adam’s skepticism was tempered with a mixture of emotions ranging from hope to trepidation.

Eve smiled at him. “Well, I’ve heard rumors that Princess Mi Amore Cadenza knows a spell to allow interspecies conception. Apparently, she doesn’t do it all that often, unless it’s for a worthy cause. Seeing as how you’re the only human in Equestria, she might be willing to consider it if we petitioned her.”

Adam frowned. “It’s a nice idea, Eve, but do you think we’re really ready for such a commitment? It won’t just affect us, after all.”

“Well, maybe we should discuss it somewhere more privately,” she said, shifting her weight so she could get to her hooves easily. She regarded him with half-lidded eyes for a moment before leaning in to whisper heatedly in his ear. “And maybe, if you’re a good boy, we can get in some… practice.”

Adam’s eyes sprang wide open. Oh my...

Author's Note

66And thus did Adam go in unto Eve, and he knew her. 67The Lord didst looketh upon what Man had wrought, and the Earth rang out with a loud slapping sound as He buried His divine countenance into His almighty palm. 68Thus spake The Lord: 69"Oh, for My sake, why doth these ponies keep seducing My people?"

Horsefucker 34:66-69

Since I know all of you perverts who have read this far are thinking it about a certain portion of the clop scene, let me get this out of the way now: