Please Kill It

by JackRipper

Rating: mature
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Dark, Flurry Heart, Comedy, Shining Armor, Death, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1793

It's only day two of Flurry Heart's birth, and Cadance is already asking Twilight to kill her.

It never crossed Twilight Sparkle's mind that her brother would get married, let alone have a child.

So, it's only natural that she'd want to visit the Crystal Empire as soon as she learned she was an aunt.

So why is it that, on the second day after Flurry Heart is born, Cadance is asking Twilight to kill her?

Once again, only rated M for the cover art and some questionable dialogue.
Cover art by lopoddity on derpibooru.
Pre-read by Curify and FamousLastWords.
Edited by Dreams of Ponies, with additional dialogue assistance from Aragon.

Published 2018-04-16 18:50:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-18 04:46:09 UTC

Yes, I mean it, kill it.

For the first time in a long time, the Crystal Empire wasn’t a frozen cesspool.

Considering the track record the kingdom had regarding winter, it was a blessing to see anything other than a blizzard. Which is why Twilight was in a better mood than she’d have thought—

“Please kill it.”

Twilight’s left eye twitched. She stood in the doorway of the castle, across from an obviously disturbed Princess Cadance.

“Nice to see you too, Cadance.” She huffed. “Would you mind being a little more specific?”

“Not here,” Cadance replied in a hushed tone, glancing over Twilight’s shoulder before ushering her inside. Cadance then closed the door behind them, an echo ringing aloud as the two trotted along an empty corridor.

Twilight’s eyes widened as she looked down at the debris that littered the ground—broken vases and torn tapestries alike. “Where… where is everyone? Your guards? Your servants?”

“They’ve all fled the castle,” Cadance said as they rounded a corner. “It’s an appropriate reaction, given that their princess gave birth to an actual eldritch abomination.”

Twilight snorted. “Look, I know my brother is weird in the bedroom—you don’t have to go into detail.”

Silence. Cadance stared over at her.

“Wait, was that not a euphemism?”

“...How do you know your brother is—”

“Insomnia, thin walls, you squeal a lot.” Twilight waved a hoof. “You gave birth to a what?”

Cadance frowned. “The walls weren’t that thin.”

Twilight looked away. “I mean, sure, but you’re still a squealer.”

“Hmm. Yeah, I guess I’ll give you that.”

“Good!”

“Good.”

“What a great bonding moment we just shared.” Twilight nodded to herself. “We should do this more often.”

“Twilight, my vagina has produced a demon.”

Twilight slumped her shoulders. “So you’re not kidding.”

Cadance stopped in place, unblinking.

“Okay,” Twilight sighed. “It really is that bad then.”

“Look, Twilight, I wouldn’t call you here if it wasn’t as bad as I’m describing it, but it is that bad. These are the darkest hours the Crystal Empire has ever faced.” Twilight raised an eyebrow. “Yes,” Cadance continued, “worse than Sombra.”

Twilight rubbed her face with her hoof. “I’m just failing to understand how one little filly is causing you this much trouble— not to mention you supposedly want me to kill her. I mean, she’s just a foal for Celestia’s sake!”

“That’s what Shining said, too.” Cadance clicked her tongue. “It’d be better if you just saw her yourself. It’ll save me an hour of me having to explain just how screwed up this situation is.”

Before Twilight could press further, they stopped in front of what Twilight assumed was the castle’s nursery. She immediately made note of her brother’s nervous pacing right outside the door.

Twilight found it strange that she didn’t notice him sooner. Of course, being told to kill a child was pretty distracting.

“Shining? What are you doing?”

Shining Armor’s expression brightened immediately as he walked over and embraced his sister. “Twily! It’s good to see you.”

Twilight gave a nervous chuckle. “Uh, likewise, Shiny. What’s with the pacing though?”

“N-no reason—I mean, what pacing?”

Cadance shook her head. “Sweetheart, you really are a terrible liar.” She turned to face Twilight. “He’s just in denial of the fact that Flurry Heart is definitely a product of Cthulhu.”

“Flurry Heart?”

“Yeah, that’s what we were going to name her.” Cadance blew a stray lock of hair out of her face. “Now I’m starting to think Yba'sokug would be a more fitting name.”

“Can you stop talking about her like that?” Shining hissed. “She’s still our daughter for Celestia’s sake.”

“Private Feather Step will never be able to walk again. The damage to his spine has left him permanently paralyzed from the waist down.”

He waved a nonchalant hoof. “She just doesn’t know her own strength.”

“You can’t act like the tendril that came out of the ground wasn’t dark magic. What about the time she scaled up the wall of the nursery?”

A smile formed on his face. “My little girl is a fast learner; she already knows how to fly.”

“She crawled up the wall using only her hooves while speaking in tongues.”

“It was just baby babble…”

“Shining, she was speaking Old Equestrian.”

“Okay, okay!” Twilight interjected, wedging herself between the pair. “Can I see the baby myself, please?”

“Her name is Flurry Heart,” Shining said, gritting his teeth. “And not if you’re going to try to exorcise her.”

“No exorcisms, I promise.” Twilight crossed her heart with one hoof. “I just want to assess the situation. Because honestly? I don’t know who to believe.”

Shining grunted. “Alright, fine. Just be quiet, it’s her naptime and it took forever to get her to fall asleep.”

With a small nod from Twilight, he gently pushed the door open. Magic surged through her as she preemptively ignited her horn, ready to attack anything attempting to jump out at her.

…But there was nothing, only a baby blue crib at the far end of the room.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief, wiping the nonexistent sweat from her brow. “Thank Celestia.”

“I wouldn’t be thanking her just yet, Twilight,” Cadance said, trailing behind Twilight and her husband. “Flurry Heart is nothing short of godless.”

“Keep your voices down,” Shining muttered. “She’s still asleep.”

Twilight crept along the tile, not making a sound as she neared the edge of the crib. Ahead of her was a cute, and perfectly normal, foal.

Well, mostly normal, if you didn’t count defying laws of nature and being born an alicorn.

“She’s adorable!” Twilight squealed, hopping in place in a very Pinkie-like fashion. “I don’t see why you were so worried, Cadance. She’s so—”

A loud, low voice reverberated in the room. “͘Sur͠re͢n͝de͠r̵ yơųr̸ ̀vir͘ǵin͞s ̴t̴o mè,͟ ąnd̕ p͢e͞ŗha͏ps͡ you͠r death̶s ̧wilļ b͜e͟ s̡w̴ìft.” Her mane shifted as Flurry Heart looked up at Twilight, foam leaking from her mouth. "Twilig̴h̴t Spark̕l̸e.́ Fin͠a͏lĺy͟, a f͢ormi̴d̀a͡ble͜ o̵ppoņen̷t̛."

“What.”

Flurry Heart craned her head, the color draining from her eyes until nothing remained but void. "͝E͜v͏e͜r̨yon̶e ̛has fle̷d, ̧y̧e͘t yǫu̵ ͘sta̸nd̕ bef̢or͏e̷ ͢m̨e.͝ Do yo͜u͡ n͏o̷t̕ fe͟ar͝ ͠me̴?͟"

“I mean…” Twilight took a small step back. “I’m just here because my sister-in-law asked me to be here.” She glared over at Cadance. “I wish she had been more specific in the letter.”

Cadance shrugged. “You wouldn’t have believed me if I told you.”

“Fair point.”

Flurry Heart rose from her crib, tangible darkness seeping into the room as her body bent and contorted. "En͢ough͝ ͝o̡f̀ ͡t͝h̢is̵, ̷Sp̡ark̢l͝e.͟ Yo͠u͡ ͜an͠d͘ I ̷wi̧l͘l ̛fi͠g̀h͠t to͘ ͢ţh͢e d̕e̴ath, the victo͢r'̵s ̡pri͏z̶e͏ i͞s̵ ͟t̡h̸e ̀ot͏her͝'s ̕s͢ouĺ."

Twilight glanced between Shining and Cadance, slowly trotting backward. “I think it’d be for the best if I just left. I’d rather not do battle with a demon foal.”

“Y̛oų're̸ ̵a͠ c̴o̕w̶ard. A͠n̸d once I fin͜d͠ ̸a͏ ͏stro͟ng̀er ͘ve̕s͘śél̶,͢ ́I will̕ dest̶r͞oy̶ y͟o͢u̷.̛"

Shining shook his head. “Cadance, this is exactly what I was talking about earlier. You wake her up from her nap, and she goes into a tantrum; I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting this.”

Cadance gaped at her husband, her irritated expression shifting to one of bewilderment and disgust as she stared back at Twilight. “You know what? Just go. I should’ve known this would be a waste of time.”

Twilight offered her a sheepish grin, standing under the frame of the door. “I could try to gather the Elements of Harmony? They’re usually our go-to solution for most of our problems.”

“With all due respect, Twilight, no amount of love and tolerance will fix this.” Cadance shook her head. “Please, just kill it.”

Obligatory Alternate Ending

Author's Note

I decided to add this in due to heavy requests, I hope you enjoy it more than the original if you were dissatisfied. :twilightsmile:

Obligatory Alternate Ending

“Okay, okay!” Twilight interjected, wedging herself between the pair. “Can I see the baby myself, please?”

“Her name is Flurry Heart,” Shining said, gritting his teeth. “And not if you’re going to try to exorcise her.”

“No exorcisms, I promise.” Twilight crossed her heart with one hoof. “I just want to assess the situation. Because honestly? I don’t know who to believe.”

Shining grunted. “Alright, fine. Just be quiet, it’s her naptime and it took forever to get her to fall asleep.”

With a small nod from Twilight, he gently pushed the door open. Magic surged through her as she preemptively ignited her horn, ready to attack anything attempting to jump out at her.

…But there was nothing, only a baby blue crib at the far end of the room.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief, wiping the nonexistent sweat from her brow. “Thank Celestia.”

“I wouldn’t be thanking her just yet, Twilight,” Cadance said, trailing behind Twilight and her husband. “Flurry Heart is nothing short of godless.”

“Keep your voices down,” Shining muttered. “She’s still asleep.”

Twilight crept along the tile, not making a sound as she neared the edge of the crib. Ahead of her was a cute, and perfectly normal, foal.

Well, mostly normal, if you didn’t count defying laws of nature and being born an alicorn.

“She’s adorable!” Twilight squealed, hopping in place in a very Pinkie-like fashion. “I don’t see why you were so worried, Cadance."

"B-but, she was just—I… ugh." Cadance slapped her hoof against her face. "I was just in here an hour ago. She was trying to drag me into Tartarus!"

Shining leaned against a wall, a smug smirk plastered across his face. "I told you, Twilight," he turned to face her, "Flurry's a little angel, and I think Cadance has just been a little stressed lately."

"A little stressed?! Are you f—"

"—I completely understand, Shiny," Twilight replied. "I've read enough to know how much stress labor can cause, not to mention giving birth to an alicorn." She looked over at the foal giggling in her crib. "I still had no idea that alicorn birth was possible in the first place."

"Heh, me neither," Shining said, wrapping his hoof around Cadance's shoulder. "But we'll make it work, won't we sweetheart?"

Cadance didn't respond.

"Well, I'll leave you to it then." Twilight turned away from them and headed out the door. "Have a nice night; I've got some research to do!"

Twilight hummed to herself, trotting along the empty streets of the Crystal Empire with a newfound sense of inspiration. Though, she stopped dead in her tracks as she asked herself a single question:

If there's nothing wrong with Flurry Heart, why did the entire castle evacuate?

Twilight anxiously glanced back at the castle one last time, before picking up the pace, her eyes trained only on the train station bound for Ponyville.