Apple Pie

by DragonGeek

Rating: everyone
Tags: Mystery, Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 3666

Pinkie Pie is determined to discover if she and Applejack are truly siblings. This time, it won't involve any road trips or crazy cat ladies, just the power of genetics. Well, maybe a FEW crazy cat ladies...

During the "Journal Incident", the question of Pinkie and Applejack's relation was brought back up to the surface, and now Pinkie Pie can't get it out of her head. There's only one way to figure this out...

GENETICS!

...yeah, only Twilight says it like that.

An entry for the Everfree Northwest Scribblefest Contest 2018, with the prompt "Family Trees: Roots, Branches, and Leaves."

Not a shipfic.

Published 2018-02-17 03:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-17 03:20:06 UTC

For SCIENCE!

"Who rained on your cupcakes, Pinkie? Ah've never seen ya look so down!"

Pinkie sighed. "It's just... remember all those ponies who were fans of our book?"

"Well, sure! How could Ah forget? They were just here a few weeks ago!"

Pinkie paused, then pulled out a calendar and flipped through it. "Huh. I guess you're right. It feels like forever ago, though. I mean, they were everywhere! Huge crowds! And now they're just gone!"

Applejack shrugged. "Ain't no accountin' for trends. Somethin' can be the most popular thing in Equestria, and be forgotten in a day."

"I guess."

Applejack leaned against a convenient fence. "So, what bee's gotten in your bonnet?"

"Well... does it ever bother you?"

"Sugarcube, you're gonna have to be a mite more specific than that. Does what ever bother me?"

"That we still don't know if we're related! We might be cousins, but we still can't tell for sure!"

"Oh, is that all?" Applejack smiled. "Remember what we decided? It don't matter if we're related by blood or not. It ain't gonna change nothing. We'll still be friends if we are cousins, and we'll still be friends if we ain't."

Pinkie sighed. "I know, and that's all well and good to say, but a bunch of ponies were complaining about it, and now I just can't get it out of my head! I have to know, Applejack! I have to!"

Applejack shrugged. "If it means that much to you, Ah reckon we can find some way to figure it out. Maybe Twilight can help."

Pinkie Pie bounced up again. "You are so right, Applejack! Twilight is sure to have a spell that can tell us! She has a spell for everything!"

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I don't have a spell that can tell you guys that."

"What?" Pinkie gasped, deflating slightly.

"I don't have a spell for everything, you know."

Pinkie sighed. Applejack put a hoof on her shoulder. Twilight, seemingly oblivious, plowed on. "Well, there may not be a spell for everything, but you know what there is?"

"A book?" Applejack asked skeptically.

"Well, that too. But no, I was going to say a SCIENCE!"

Thunder rumbled outside. Applejack looked up. "Did y'all hear that?"

"Hear what?" Twilight said distantly, pulling several books from their shelves throughout the library. "Now, the particular science you two need is... GENETICS!"

Yet more thunder. "Are you not hearin' this?" Applejack asked.

"Genetics," Twilight lectured, "is a field studying how certain traits are passed down through families. As such, it's great to use to study families. Ponies who are related often look like each other."

Applejack and Pinkie looked each other up and down. "Ah don't see it," Applejack said.

"Well, no, you wouldn't," Twilight admitted. "You two are pretty distantly related... fourth cousins, twice removed by a fifth cousin, if I recall."

"Not quite," Pinkie corrected. "We're fourth cousins twice removed of a fifth cousin!"

"Huh?"

Pinkie stood up straight, held a hoof in front of her, and recited, "Applesauce of the Apple family lineage is a fourth cousin twice removed of the Pie family. And Applesauce is Applejack's fifth cousin."

"That ain't right," Applejack interrupted. "Ah don't know where you even got that. Applesauce is mah great-great auntie."

"Well, see, that makes her your second cousin, three times removed, in genealogy-speak. And three times removed means three more times the distance to your cousin, which makes her your fifth cousin!"

"First off, Ah don't know how you got second cousin. Second off, twice removed means generations, not distances of cousins. Which you must'a known to know that she'd be three times removed, but then you changed the interpretation halfway through!"

Twilight sighed. "Pinkie Logic, Applejack."

"Ah hate Pinkie Logic."

"And I'm not honestly sure how somepony can be the fourth cousin twice removed of an entire family," Twilight added. "She should be that to just one pony, or maybe a group of siblings. But even so, there are some ways you can figure out if you're related. For instance, if your grandparents or great-grandparents had similar coloring, that would be a start. Colors can diverge a lot in just a few generations. And there are other hereditary traits that stick around stronger than coloring. For instance, being a twin is hereditary."

"Really?" Applejack asked with interest.

Pinkie gasped. "That's right! Grandpa Quartz has a twin, and I have a twin! But wait, Dad doesn't have a twin! So how can twins be hereditary?"

"That's the fascinating thing!" Twilight exclaimed with enthusiasm. "Twins are hereditary, but the gene for twins actually affects whether or not a mare has a twin. That means that if a stallion is a twin, his children won't be twins, but if he has a filly, she might still have twins! Isn't it exciting!"

"Ooh, so exciting! Applejack! Is anyone in your family a twin?"

She paused. "Well, Ah don't rightly know!" she realized with surprise. "The Apple Family ain't never had a shortage of uncles and aunts, but Ah don't know if any o' them were twins."

Pinkie Pie bounced up and down. "Ooh, let's go ask Granny Smith!"

Twilight looked over at her small mountain of books. "But... we haven't gotten into any of-"

Pinkie grabbed one from the stack. "I'll read it on the way! Let's go!"

Twilight shrugged. "Better than nothing."

The two galloped out the door. Left alone in the now-deserted library, Twilight sighed deeply and turned towards the shelves. She had a lot of books to put back.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pinkie Pie bounced down the road on three legs, holding the book in her fourth. "Ooh, did you know that blue eyes are recessive?"

"No, what's that mean?"

"It means that you could have a gene that gives you blue eyes! It's just that you also have one that gives you green eyes, and the green one wins over the blue one, so your eyes are green even though you have a blue gene. But your kids could have blue eyes!"

"Wait, Ah though you said you didn't know for sure Ah had this gene?"

"Well, no. But you might! See? We totally could be related!"

Applejack couldn't think of anything to say except, "...oh."

"Also pink and purple colors are recessive! Which makes sense, because I'm pink even though my parents are brown and grey!"

"Are you gonna tell me Ah've got pink genes next?"

"You miiiight," Pinkie sang out.

Applejack sighed. "If'n you say so."

"Well, my parents had pink and purple genes without knowing it!" Pinkie insisted. "I mean, Dad is brown and you'd never have thought he would have a pink daughter, but then Granny Pie was pink, and Granny Quartz was all purplish so he really should've seen this coming. I mean Mom obviously had some purple genes that just weren't expressed because Grandpa's grey and blue were dominant but between them and Dad's recessive pink genes it was pretty much inevitable that one of us was gonna be pink, amirite?"

"Uh... maybe?" said Applejack, who had been lost from the moment Pinkie started reading the book.

She continued. "And not just my dad was brown, but Grandpa Pie was brown too! And brown is almost orange! Which means that at some point, the family tree could totally have branched into one part of the family that was all brown and grey and one that was all orange and yellow and red and green! Like your family!"

"Pinkie, all you're sayin' is that it could happen. We ain't got no proof that it did."

Pinkie sighed. "You're right, I guess. Hey, what color was your grandpa? 'Cause if he was brown, then that brings up a good proof! Hay, he could even be Grandpa Pie's brother! I know he had a brother who was all brown like that." She pulled a photo album out of nowhere and flipped to a picture. "See?"

Applejack barely glanced at it. "Ah don't know, Pinkie. Ah guess we'll have to wait and ask Granny 'bout that too, when we get to the Acres."

There was a pause. Pinkie continued flipping through the book.

Finally Applejack spoke again. "You mentioned you got your pink color from your Granny Pie, right?"

Pinkie looked up. "Yepperdoodles! Why?"

"Ah don't know, it's just... well... You just never talk about her much, and I was wondering about her."

Pinkie gasped. "Of course I talk about Granny Pie! She was so important to me, growing up! She was the pony who taught me to bake, and to giggle at the ghosties, and to throw a party! I talk about her all the time!"

"But do you?"

There was a long, uncomfortable time. "Well, there was that time when I said... uh... or when I told you about... um... well..."

Applejack nodded. "Exactly. The only time you ever mentioned her was when you were teaching us to giggle at the ghosties. Ah've never heard her name since."

"But- but that can't be right! She's so important to me! I'm sure I talk about her!"

"Ah don't think you do, sugarcube."

Pinkie flailed for something to say. "Well- Well- You never talk about your parents!"

Applejack froze. Pinkie froze. The whole world seemed to freeze around them, with just that one sentence.

"Oh no oh no oh no! Applejack, I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have brought that up, I-"

Applejack shook her head. "No, you're right."

"I'm what?"

"Ah don't talk about mah parents... and Ah should. Granny never talked about 'em much, and Ah guess Ah just got used to it, but that ain't an excuse. Ah only recently found out more about them, and..." She sniffled, just a little bit. "And it's the sweetest story Ah ever did hear. They were good ponies, Ma and Pa, and Ah ought'a talk about 'em more. They should be remembered."

Pinkie Pie was tearing up by this point. "I still shouldn't have brought it up, not like that..."

"It ain't your fault, Pinkie. It just slipped out. Ah know how that is. Would you... would you like to hear about 'em as we walk?"

Pinkie blew her nose loudly. "Yeah. I'd like that."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Twilight put the last book back on its shelf and looked around. A long afternoon stretched in front of her, with not much to do. She wondered how Applejack and Pinkie Pie were doing in their quest.

Come to think of it, she still had a lot of photo albums from the last time she'd been doing genealogical research. There was no reason why she couldn't try to solve the mystery herself, from right here. Digging her teeth into a good riddle like this would be an excellent way to pass the afternoon.

Plus, it had a nice note of irony to it. That genealogical research was what had started this whole thing in the first place. Why shouldn't it end it, too?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"And that's when they decided to get married in secret!"

"No way! That's so sweet!"

Applejack nodded as they turned and trotted into Sweet Apple Acres. A cat ran across the path, but she ignored it. "Course, when Grand Pear showed up, he weren't too happy about it. Nor was Granny, to tell the truth. But you know what Ma did?"

"No, what?" Pinkie asked eagerly.

"She said that now the Apples were her family too! That sure gave 'em pause."

Pinkie beamed. "Aww, that's even sweeter than getting married in secret!"

Applejack grinned. "Grand Pear left all in a huff. Practically disowned her. But Granny came 'round after that, when she saw Ma was serious enough to leave her own family and join ours."

"I keep seeing Grand Pear around," Pinkie said thoughtfully. "Never would've thought he was so bitter earlier. It's really sad."

Applejack nodded. "Ah know. And Ah'm glad Ah told you about this, Pinkie."

"So am I," Pinkie agreed, pulling Applejack into a tight hug. Applejack started a bit, then hugged her tightly back.

"Now, what'd'ya say we go in there and see if we really are related?"

Pinkie bounced up and down. "I'd love to! I want to be part of your family even more, now that i know how amazing it is!"

They grinned at each other and trotted into the house. "Hey, Granny?" Applejack called.

"Applejack! You'll never guess who showed up for a visit!"

"Is it them fan-ponies back again?" she shouted back.

"Nope!" Granny Smith trotted into the room, accompanied by a familiar old mare with a yellow coat and a white mane. "It's Goldie Delicious!"

Pinkie Pie jumped up and down. "Goldie! It's so great to see you, maybe-but-not-definitely-great-aunt-or-something!"

Goldie laughed. "It's nice to see you too, Miss Pie! In fact-"

"HEY! We had a question and you're actually a great pony to ask! Are there any twins in Applejack's family?"

Goldie tapped a hoof. "Well, none that come to mind. Applejack's Aunt Orange might'a been a twin, but she married into that family. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure she married from the Pears!"

"Really? And they weren't upset with that?" Applejack asked with disbelief.

Goldie shrugged. "Well, the rivalry was with the Apples, weren't it? Oranges were just a distant branch. And nopony else was near as serious about the rivalry as Grand Pear and Granny Smith, they just went along with it 'cause it was their families, but their kids could marry whoever they pleased for all the rest of the family cared."

Granny sighed. "Wish Ah'd had that attitude. Could'a saved a mighty lot o' heartbreak."

Applejack shook her head. "Grand Pear was even more stubborn than you were. He'd'a gone against it either way."

"Maybe so. Or maybe if Ah hadn't been feedin' the rivalry, it'd'a died out."

"This ain't the time to be assignin' blame," Goldie interrupted. "Matter o' fact, the Pears are what I'm here about... after a fashion."

Pinkie Pie tilted her head. "Do tell!"

"You discover some more family history 'bout them?" Applejack asked eagerly.

"After a fashion, anyway." Goldie pulled out a book. It took Applejack a moment to recognize it, but when she did, she recoiled instinctively.

"That's the Friendship Journal!"

"It sure is!" Goldie exclaimed, reaching into the air with a hoof. "Why, it's the most interestin' book I've read in a long time! It definitely deserves to be part of my collection, don't you agree? All those adventures ya went on with your friends... memories for the ages."

Applejack blinked a few times. "Ah guess," she agreed reluctantly. "Ah hadn't thought of it like that. Not since I was first writing in it. The ponies who read it got all crazy, and Ah started to wish Ah'd never written the blame thing."

Goldie shook her head. "Don't think of it that way! It's all your memories, and now you'll be able to tell your kids all about 'em, and their kids..."

"Ah ain't thinkin' quite that far yet," Applejack laughed.

"Ooh! What was your favorite part?" Pinkie asked eagerly.

"Well, the one I'm in, of course!" Goldie said, and they all laughed. "An' not just 'cause I'm in it, for the record. See, it got me thinkin' about your visit, and I remembered something." She reached into her bag and pulled out a second book. "I remembered that I have another copy of that book I was lookin' in!"

"And it's not smudged?" Pinkie asked.

"Not smudged," she agreed, opening it to a bookmarked page. "Here's that family tree. There's Applesauce, and there's a small footnote under her: Fourth cousin twice removed of the..."

Pinkie Pie held her breath. Time seemed to slow down. A dust mote slowly drifted past her nose.

"...Pear family. Not the Pie family."

Pinkie deflated. Her knees wilted, and her mane lost a little bounce. "What?"

"Hold on just a second!" Applejack protested. "Mah parents were related?"

"Very distantly," Goldie reminded her. "Fourth cousins is a long way, and several generations back at that."

Applejack sighed. "Ah guess so."

"We're... we're not related..."

"There, there, Pinkie." Applejack put a hoof around her. "Far's Ah'm concerned you're family. In fact, Ah'll make you an honorary cousin, if you want."

Pinkie sniffed. "Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Sure! Loads closer than fourth cousin twice removed of a fifth cousin anyway!"

Pinkie grinned, but her hair remained semi-flattened. "Thanks, Applejack. I'd... I'd better take this genetics book back to Twilight. We don't need it anymore."

As Pinkie left, Applejack sighed. "I feel awful seeing her so upset. I wish we really were related, if only because she wants it so badly."

Granny shrugged. "You cain't change blood, Applejack. Don't worry. Ah've never seen Pinkie upset for more than an hour. She'll be back to herself soon, and then she'll be more excited than a rabbit in heat that you're makin' her an honorary cousin."

Applejack nodded, but as she looked out the window, she couldn't help feeling that she'd missed something. Something about brown... and curly hair... but no branch of the Apple Family had both of those traits.

So why did she still have that nagging feeling in the back of her skull?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Pinkie's hooves dragged as she reentered Twilight's library. "Hey, Twilight. I brought your book back."

"Pinkie Pie! You'll never guess what I found- Pinkie, what happened to your exclamation points?" Twilight joked.

Pinkie cracked a smile, but it faded quickly. "Was what you found that Applejack and I aren't related after all?"

Twilight blinked. "What? No! Actually, it's the exact opposite!"

"Huh?"

Twilight gestured to the photo albums laying across the table, open to various pages. "See, I was pretty sure when I looked at a picture of your grandpa, but it wasn't certain. I had to head to somepony else in town to confirm it. He pulled out an old photo album of his own, and- well- look!"

She gestured to two albums, laying side by side. One of them Pinkie recognized as her own, open to the picture of her grandfather with his brother. The other album was unfamiliar, but contained the exact same picture of her grandfather and his brother, plus several other photos that were unmistakably the brother. She gasped out loud. "No way! Who did this book belong to?"

"Whom," Twilight corrected calmly, ignoring the look on Pinkie's face.

Pinkie looked back at the book, as if trying to memorize the face of the light brown pony, his dark brown hair streaked with just a teensy bit of white. "WHOM? WHOM DID IT BELONG TO, TWILIGHT?" Pinkie shrieked.

Twilight grinned. It was so much fun to draw the reveal out, but it would be cruel to make Pinkie wait any longer. "The pony in that picture is..."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Do you need a ride home, Goldie?" Applejack asked, as the two walked towards the door.

Goldie shook her head. "No thanks. I brought the cats!"

"What-"

She opened the door, and saw a sight so bizarre she couldn't believe she hadn't noticed it before. Almost twenty cats stood at attention, holding up on their shoulders a litter. As Applejack stared with wide eyes, Goldie trotted over and mounted it. "Don't you worry, Applejack, there's so many of them to hold the weight they barely even feel it."

Slowly, the cats began to move down the road. Applejack stared after them. "What-" she started again.

"AAAAAAAAAPPPPLLLLEEEEE- hi Goldie, nice ride, I like the pun- JJJJAAAAAAAAACCCKKK!"

"Pinkie Pie? What is it?"

"We ARE related, Applejack! We were just looking in the wrong place!"

"Well, where should we have been looking, then?"

"Look look look!" She held up the photo of her grandfather and his brother.

"Wait, but that's-"

"I KNOW! It's Grandpa Pie--and GRAND PEAR!"

Everything clicked inside Applejack's head. "They're both brown! And they have pretty curly manes, and Ma's was even curlier, and--Ah can't believe Ah didn't realize it earlier!"

"Me either! I couldn't believe we were related by your mom, not your dad! It was actually Twilight who figured it out. But do you know what this means?"

"What?"

"We're SECOND COUSINS! That's so much better than fourth-cousin-twice-removed-of-a-fifth-cousins!"

"Huh." Applejack looked at the photo again, then up at Pinkie Pie. "There's something Ah want to show you, follow me," she said, making up her mind.

As she trotted down the path, Pinkie Pie bouncing beside her, she began, "Ah didn't quite finish the story about mah parents. This place Ah'm about to show you... I thought it should be private. Just for the family. But you are family now, and you oughta see it. It was real special to mah parents. In fact, it was where they married."

Pinkie stopped bouncing and instead trotted. The more down-to-earth stride felt more... respectful.

"They didn't wanna do anything fancy. Instead'a exchanging rings or anything like that, they each dug a hole, and then they planted a seed in each other's holes."

They were almost there now. An expectant silence fell over them, thick as wading through applesauce. Neither of them wanted to break the hush.

Applejack pushed aside two bushes of a thicket, and they stepped into a clearing. Pinkie Pie glanced around, then stopped, her gaze caught on the center of the clearing.

Two trees intertwined around each other, bearing two different fruits. The space between the branches formed a perfect heart. Pinkie Pie didn't even have the words to express her awe. Speaking felt wrong, anyway.

Applejack was the first to break the silence. "Ah didn't think it was possible, but this place means even more to me now. Not only is it a reminder of my parents and their love for each other... it also shows mah connection to one of mah closest friends." Her hoof reached out, and she hugged Pinkie tightly, drawing her close.

"Welcome to the family, cousin."