The War to End All Wars

by The Abyss

Rating: everyone
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Comedy, Royal Guard, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life
Length: 1451

It is Celestia’s birthday, but instead of getting a whole cake like last year, Luna only brings her a single slice, saying that she won’t allow her anywhere near the rest. What other course is there but to declare war?

It is Celestia’s birthday, but instead of getting a whole cake like last year, Luna only brings her a single slice, saying that she won’t allow her anywhere near the rest.

What other course is there but to declare war?

Published 2018-02-19 21:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-19 21:30:07 UTC

A Plump Rump

Celestia eyed the rather small slice of cake with an obvious look of disappointment. “...This is it?” she asked, flicking her eyes up to meet Luna’s as a frown formed on her face. “There is not more?”

Luna let a sheepish grin slide on her face as she licked her lips, avoiding her sister’s piercing gaze. “Yes, that is it, and yes, there is more, but you remember what happened last year?” She cleared her throat as she strengthened her resolve, then looked back up at her sister. “You put on at least thirty pounds, and your... rump was rather plump. It took you months to get back to your normal weight. Is working out and dieting for months really worth the few seconds of pleasure from eating several cakes?”

“Yes, and you know I have done this for many, many years; it is my birthday tradition.” Celestia huffed as she tossed the fine china aside, the plate smashing into a bunch of bits upon impact. “I will not stand by and be disrespected by such a pitiful offering, especially from my dearest sister.” A silly grin grew on her face as she lit her horn, then she feigned a sigh. “I will do what I must.” All of her pillows rose from the bed, spinning in a tight circle around her. “This is your only warning. Please move, or prepare yourself for a pillow fight the likes that Equestria has never seen before!” Her horn grew brighter as she lowered her head, aiming her horn right at her sister. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes as her magic started to hum.

Luna’s eyes went wide. “S-Sister, no!” she said, unable to keep a grin off of her face. “I yield, I yield!”

“Not this time, Lulu. I shall not be kept from what is rightfully mine.” She used a spell to throw her pillows at her, but for some odd reason, the spell did not release. She cracked her eyes open, finding her precious pillows in Luna’s magical grasp. What? ...Oh. How did she do that? she thought, her eyes narrowing. Luna dropped her pillows to the floor in a heap, making her eyes go wide. “How dare you drop my pretty pillows to the dirty floor! Now they have to be washed again!” She planted her forelegs onto the ground, spreading them wide. “This means war!”

“Very well. I shall muster my forces and meet you on the field of battle, then.” Luna turned around and shot her a sly grin. “You better not waste any time, dear sister. That cake will not last forever.”

“You are keeping my cake hostage?” Celestia gasped. “Your evil knows no bounds!”

“Yeah, neither does your appetite!” Luna said, earning a pillow to the face. The tip of her horn pierced the top corner, the pillow sliding down to rest at the base of her horn. “It would appear that you have fired the first shot,” she said, her voice muffled by the thick, fluffy pillow. “I shall forgive this transgression since you are my sister, but only this once!” She lit her horn and destroyed the pillow, causing its innards to flutter down towards the floor. “One hour, sister. One hour!”

Almost an hour later, Celestia marched with the entirety of the Royal Guard at her back, her troops marching in perfect unison. The guards at the end pulled carts laden with every pillow they could find in the castle, even those from their own beds. They had even gone into the throne room, looking for the large cushions that Celestia and Luna used when they met with dignitaries and guests, but they were gone, no doubt taken by the opposing forces.

Turning the last corner leadings towards the royal kitchens, the sweetest of scents drifted down from the end of the hallway. Celestia’s gaze fell upon her sister and her guards, their numbers far fewer than her own. They had made their battlements out of pillows and couches reaching from wall to wall, leaving them with a pitiful amount of pillows left for them to throw and fight with.

A deep smirk grew on Celestia’s face as she stopped just outside of their throwing range. Her army stopped behind her, still stepping in time with a soundless beat, then stopped, slamming their last hoofstep onto the marble floor.

Luna jumped a little bit.

That gets her every time... Celestia laughed. “Surrender now, or be prepared to fight to the last!” she called out. “Your forces can only fly; I brought every race, each with their own special set of skills. You are outnumbered!”

“What if I give you just half a cake? None of this needs to happen!” Luna yelled back. “We’ve got a lot more in the ovens, but those are for us!”

“Half a cake?” Celestia scoffed. “Do you really think that I would muster up all of my forces for just half a cake? Ha! I will take nothing less than everything in those kitchens. Desist at once and stand aside!”

“Never!”

Celestia heard her sister giggle softly behind her battlements. “Very well; you leave me no choice!” Glancing over her right shoulder, she opened her mouth to utter the word that had been resting on the tip of her tongue since the smell of fresh cakes had graced her nose. “Attack,” she said in the most nonchalantly way, her voice soft yet full of bridled strength.

Her guards grabbed as many pillows as they could carry, then bolted forward, screaming at the top of their lungs. Luna’s bat ponies leapt over their battlements, flying high to avoid Celestia’s guards. They threw their pillows down with as much force as they could muster, most of them finding their marks. Celestia’s guards returned fire, the earth ponies kicking their pillows up to knock them off course while the pegasi jumped into the air, a pillow held in each hoof. They rose up to meet Luna’s ponies, exchanging blows so powerful and fast that Celestia couldn’t help but stand in awe until a single pillow flew through the air, hitting her right on her exposed neck.

With her breath caught in her throat, she slowly looked down until she found her sister snickering at her with a silly grin upon her face. Picking up the pillow that had just struck her, she stalked towards her prey, the pillow held tightly in her right hoof. “Prepare thyself, sister!” she yelled out in the Royal Canterlot voice as she closed upon her sister. “En garde!”

The battle lasted for many hours. The floor was entirely covered by pillows, easily at least a few layers thick. Everypony, both Royal Guard and Night Guard alike, had found a comfy place to settle down and relax amongst each other’s company, some even snuggling and cuddling, to watch their respective leaders battle it out. Just like the year before, and the year before that, Celestia had emerged victorious.

“‘Tia, come on!” Luna squirmed beneath her sister, trying to wiggle her way out from under her. “You’re getting fatter; I can feel it!”

“Well, you should have capitulated.” Celestia shoved more cake into her mouth, taking her time to enjoy every single last little bite down to the last piece. “I did warn you, after all.”

Luna huffed and crossed her forelegs. “Can I at least have some of your cake? The pillow fight made me really hungry.”

“Hm... nope!” Celestia chirped with a giggle, pushing more cake into her mouth. Out of the corner of her eyes, she saw her sister’s ears flop down, then felt her go limp beneath her. “Well, on second thought...” Lighting her horn, she pulled a fresh plate out of the kitchens and cut out a small slice of her cake for her, just about the same size as the slice that Luna had brought her that morning. “Twas a good fight, Lulu,” she said as she set the plate down in front of her.

“Twas a good fight indeed!” Luna said, her eyes lighting up with glee. Celestia rolled off of her and settled down beside her, propping her forelegs up on some pillows. “Happy birthday, sister,” she said, nuzzling Celestia’s neck as she laid a wing across her back.

“Thank you, little one. I look forward to our next engagement of fluff,” Celestia said, humming softly in content.

“So... any chance there’s room in the budget for more night guards?” Luna asked hopefully. “I definitely need more ponypower if I am to rival the strength of your forces next year, after all.”

“No.”

“B-But I—!”

“No.”

“Maybe I can get Twi—”

“No.”