Always bet on green

by Jaycren

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Tempest Shadow, Comedy, Rarity, Random, Violence, Princess Celestia, Anthro, Meadowbrook
Length: 4605

It isn't that somebeing is an assistant its WHO'S assistant they are.

We ignore the ones in the background. The ones that make it all possible. The support, the advisers, the assistants. But to ignore them is a mistake, for they face the same struggles that the one they support does, study the same grimiore and learn the same information.

Published 2018-02-13 22:10:12 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-01 00:19:08 UTC

Those Poor Kidnappers

Rarity, Twilight, Meadowbrook, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor all sat upon a raised Dias. Tempest Shadow standing tall and proud at the base, scanning the room for trouble, a stern look upon her face. This was her first event as Princess Twilight Sparkle's Captain, nothing was going to disturb the diners above her.

"Fizzlepop, would you please come and join us, its just a friendly dinner." Twilight begged her new Captain.

Blushing at her true name, she reluctantly climbed the stairs, taking her seat between the Element of Magic and the Princess of the Night. Glancing around, something seemed wrong, looking to ask Grubber for a status update, she realized what had been bothering her. The reliable little hedgehog was nowhere to be found, then she noticed who else was missing.

"Twilight, where's Spike?" Fizzlepop asked.

"He was just finishing up some last minute tasks, why?"

Tempest saw Rarity and Meadowbrook glance at her before she answered her Princess's question.

"Because I don't know where Grubber is, he was supposed to be here too."

Meadowbrook's eyes widened. "Stygian was supposed to meet me here as well, afterwards we were going out."

Rarity glanced at the Pillar of Kindness, "Spikey Wikey and I where going to be going on our first date after this." Twilight gave her best friend a look, "Spikey is 21 now Twilight and a handsome dragon besides, I may be older but I am not dead yet, darling. I'm concerned however, its unlike Spike to stand a lady up."

Princess Luna glanced around. "My steward is missing too, its not like Fussbudget to leave me in possession of his schedule book."

Princess Celestia began to have a worried look, "Raven was going to attend this, but it is technically her day of so I just thought that, for once, she had decided to actually take it."

A waiter approached the dais, carrying a Crystal in his hands. Instantly Tempest moved to intercept the waiter. The Earth pony flinched to have the statuesque unicorn so close, so quickly, but this was Canterlot and he soon recovered. He handed Tempest thw crystal, and, having a hushed conversation, went back to his duties. Bringing the crystal to the table she placed it in the center.

"That waiter was given this communication crystal for all of us. He was tipped pretty heavily for it, too." Pressing one side of it, a ski masked earth pony was projected for all to see.

"We have your assistants, but we will give them back to you unharmed if you give us what we are demanding." The Earth Pony snarled.

Tempest glanced at everyone and noticed the smirks beginning to form. She herself was having difficulty hiding her amusement.

"We all would like to speak uninterrupted to our assistants as confirmation that you do indeed have them and that they are unharmed." She said, struggling to keep a straight face.

"Of course, you will only have a few moments with each."

The Earth Pony stepped to the side and Stygian appeared, almost mummified with rope, looking quite annoyed.

"Hello Meadow" he said. "Sorry, I'm running a late, I got a little tied up."

Meadowbrook teared up. "Stygian this is positively the last straw. Every time we try to go out or have a relationship you get kidnapped, or something evil arises, or you become the shadow pony. I am starting to believe that we are just not meant to be. If you are not here in time for our date, I will not be." She snorted and turned away from the table, sobbing.

Stygian's gaze went blank. It was like looking at a doll, a replica, his next words where without inflection or emotion. "You're right Meadow, I'll be there on time, like I promised."

The Earth Pony reappeared, this time managing to convey his confusion, even through a knit ski mask.
"You do realize that we will kill them if you do not comply right?"

"Can we please talk to the next one?" Tempest, had to bite her bottom lip. If this continued she could almost feel sorry for the kidnappers, almost.

The image shifted again, showing a purple and green dragon. The Young drake looked a little worse for wear but otherwise seemed unharmed. "Hey Rarity, sorry for keeping you waiting."

Rarity puffed up, indignation clear on her face, "Spike Solaris Sparkle, how dare you keep a lady waiting!!!!! I waste years of my life single, and now that we have a chance, you try to stand me up. Maybe you are just not the Gentledragon I thought you where. If you are not here and appropriately attired, I will have no choice but to never talk to you again. I believed you dependable, not like all those stallions only interested in one thing." The Element of Generosity then rose, threw her napkin on the table, and pulled Meadowbrook with her. "I am now need to help Meadow reapply her make up, MALES!!!!!" She then strode to the mares washroom.

Spike looked crestfallen, then got a stern look, "Twilight, tell Rarity she has nothing to worry about, and as a proper Gentledragon I will be bringing flowers to make up for the trouble."

The Image flashed back to the Earth pony kidnapper. He seemed to be looking at Spike with more then a little sympathy. "Well, that was a bit harsh. If it makes that crazy mare feel better he did hurt two of my guys rather severely and I had to terminate their employment permanently." He then said something off screen and again the image shifted.

This time it was Grubber. He seemed chipper and amused by the whole thing, at least until he saw the look on his bosses face. Then his joking demeanor changed, quick.

"Grubber, you are embarrassing me in front of the former Captain of Celesta's Guard, who also happens to be Twilight's brother. I am here with basically her sister, mother and aunt all in the form of some very annoyed Allicorns, you where supposed to be helping me prevent this type of thing. Do I have to look for another Second. I am really considering firing you over this one." She got a faraway look for a second, "I wonder if one of the CMC would make a better second."

Grubber's eyes widened, "Not to worry boss I will be there and I will take full responsibility. I really should have expected chloroform, but I let my guard down, is 20 minutes okay?" He stared at his boss pleadingly.

Tempest didn't hesitate. "No."

Grubber slumped, The Earth Pony came back. "Wow, that was either the harshest thing I ever saw or the hottest, that's it isn't it? I’m being punked? No? Well at this point I just want to see where this is going."

Raven's image was shown next. She appeared more annoyed then anything and just waited for Celestia speak.

Princess Celestia smiled. It was the one that made all of the nobles flee whenever it was seen. It was reserved for when the Princess of the Sun was being clever. "Raven dear, you do know that this is your day off, correct?"

Raven flinched, she had not. "That means my little pony, that you are not getting paid for your trouble and as you know all compensation requests must be submitted to payroll by the end of business day, today, which ends when we are done with this little get together. If not all paperwork, must then be put forth into the auditing department for review, no exceptions."

Raven got a very bad look on her face. "All will be submitted, all will be done, by the Will Of the Sun."

The Image shifted with the kidnapper again front and center. "Okay, scary, hot, and creepy." He just shook his head before the final assistant was presented.

Fussbudget looked much put out by the whole thing and the thin Thestral just sat and pouted. Princess Luna smiled at her steward, saying in a motherly tone. "What's the matter Fuss?"

"These kidnappers have horrible standards. Everyone knows the proper ropes for kidnapping and holding pony administrators is Hemp 41, these ropes are Hemp 40. The Chloroform was only a 32 not a 48. Why can'y we have proper villains, instead of this group of stooges."

"Yes we can't all get what we want Fuss, by the way, I have your schedule book here and there was a group of newsponies here that wanted to do an interview. I put them off but they have been quite persistent and I think I am going to just make my own appointments."

Fussbudget haltingly asked "Who are they from."

"Oh, I have no idea, I will just pencil them in wherever, alright Fuss?"

"Do Not Touch That Schedule Book." Fussbudget said in a voice that caused all except Princess Luna to flinch. "I Will Be Right There."

For the last time the earth pony was on the screen. "Okaaaaay, So now that you have talked to them all, lets go over some demands."

Tempest cut the kidnapper off, "I am sorry, the Princesses do not negotiate with terrorists." She then blasted the crystal, ending the transmission. Before going to the mares room herself to keep from wetting herself with laughter.

Let the betting begin

Author's Note

This came to me. It is a one shot. I have no inclination to write anymore about this. I will admit thought that this was a fun one. It really was. I was laughing hysterically at the end. I am still chuckling a bit.

Let the betting begin

Shining Armor knew what was expected of him, calmly he took a red notebook out of his jacket. Cadence smirked, as he patted his pockets seeking a quill. True to form he didn’t have one. So also true to form she presented him one. He opened the notebook, then wrote the names of all the parties at the table other then himself and his wife. He then drew a line down the page to the left of his list of names, followed by a space, and another line. Continuing on he drew a line across the top with the list underneath while also bisecting the two other lines. He labeled the columns, terms and # of raises, placing his quill down he leaned back and waited in silence for the other parties to get back from the washroom. He sat in silence, neither speaking or looking at those seated at the table, the proprieties had to be upheld in all things.

The three mares approached the table, Tempest saw the book and smiled and nodded, some things really did cross all boundaries. As they sat down Cadance was the one to speak.

"Alright, we have a 20 bit by in with a 5 bit incremental raise. Only those that talked to the hostage, can place bets, sorry Twi. Bookie keeps 1% of winnings and is unable to place any bets themselves. I, Cadance as representative of the crown will be overseeing, with Twilight Sparkle as my auditor. The Bookie will not speak till all bets are settled. Who would like to make the first prediction?"

To everyone's surprise Meadowbrook spoke first. "I'll place 100 bits that Stygian is the first to arrive. He will be covered in blood that is not his own, arrive through the kitchen, and it will only take him 10 minutes from the moment we stop betting.

Tempest spoke up next, "I say that Grubber gets here first, he will be smoldering, partially on fire, and enter the building from that sky light. He will not be suffering any discomfort, and will be in a ridiculously good mood about the whole thing, 5 min."

Princess Luna nodded sagely, "Both good predictions, but I hold Fussbudget's one true love. His appointment book. He will arrive first, through the same skylight as your Grubber, but will not pause, immediately taking his schedule book from me, mayhap at the point of violence, I say about 5 minutes as well."

Princess Celestia rested her head against the table. Still wearing that same smile she said, "Raven will arrive last, she will have not only filled out her paperwork, but will have made sure that your other assistants are taking care of as well. She will walk through the main doorway of the dinning area. No time prediction, she will get here when it is done, but it will be done on time." she leaned back and shared a smirk with the Element of Generosity.

Rarity chuckled, "First I would like to raise the bet to 200 bits, making it a true double or nothing. Secondly, darlings, you have made some wonderful predictions, but here is how it will actually happen. Spike will arrive first. He will do so out of the mouth of Twilight, using his magic spell. He will re-materialize wearing an outfit that matches mine perfectly, complete with tuxedo and hat, despite only seeing it once. He will have flowers, Hyacinths to be precise, that upon me taking will convert into diamond dust and surround me with glitter. He will be followed by Stygian, who will appear exactly as Meadow said, from exactly where she said. He will then march over to her, kiss her full on the lips, then go get cleaned up. He will be followed by Fussbudget, who will arrive as Princess Luna described. In my advise your majesty, if you do not want to get cut by your steward I suggest you make the book airborne the second he enters. In that case he will grab it before it hits the ground and then take it somewhere quiet, cooing and soothing it all the way. We will find him later cuddling it."

She paused here to take a drink holding one shapely finger aloft to show that she was not done.

"This will be followed by Grubber, again exactly as previously mentioned, in the exact condition mentioned. He will make a vulgar joke directed at Tempest. Then he will go to the restroom to make himself presentable. Princess Celestia predicted Raven Inkwell's arrival exactly. I have nothing more to add on the order. This will all happen in 5."

"5 minutes?" Cadance asked.

"4" came the reply

Twilight's face puffed up from the belch that was forming.

"3" Rarity pointed to the nearest open space as green wreathed purple fire shot from Twilight's mouth.

"2" Spike formed wearing a complete Tuxedo, with hat, and as the fire finished its job he began walking to Rarity.

"1, Hello Handsome." She said as he flicked his wrist and a bouquet of Hyacinths formed in his hand. As Rarity took them they converted into diamond dust and caused a shimmering aura around her.

A noise from the kitchen and the gasping of several nobles heralded the approach of a crimson coated Stygian, marching up to Meadowbrook, he pulled her close and kissed her so hard that all the women in the restaurant, including waitstaff and those not in the room, blushed from the heat of it. Without saying another word he stalked to the nearest washroom.

Hearing a rapidly approach whistling, Luna, taking Rarity's advice, threw Fussbudget appointment book high into the air. The thin Thestral shot through the skylight, nabbed it out of the air, and could be heard muttering to it, asking where the bad princess touched it, and cooing to it softly as he disappeared from the room.

Tempest looked up to the Skylight in time to see her hedgehog second in command hurtle through. Hitting the ground hard enough to crack the marble floor, he arose still on fire. Licking his fingers he used them to put the last, small fire out, turned to Tempest and said. "Hey, Boss, I really am hot stuff, Huh?" Wiggling his eyes and winking at her, he retreated to the same washroom that Stygian had disappeared into.

All the ponies except Celestia and Rarity turned to the main doors of the dining room. They opened to reveal Raven Inkwell, who strode in and placed a stack of finished paperwork in front of Celestia. She then sighed and went to the mare's washroom to get clean.

All eyes fell on Rarity who had taken seat on Spike's lap and was being feed grapes from the table. Seeing all eyes on her she smiled.

"Darlings, all your predictions where right, except for one thing. You all forgot to include the others in your figuring. My little Spikey Wikey here, has been making others cooperate since he was born. None of you, other then Princess Celestia and Myself, took that into account. If their is one thing I have learned in my adventures is that one should always bet on Green."

Epilogue: You Kidnapped Who?

The Rusty Spoon was a dive bar on the wrong side of Canterlot, it's clientele ranged from ne'r do wells to don' wanna do wells. Sawdust layered the floor in anticipation of tonight's brawl. The only customer's currently where a small group in the back playing poker and a lone Earth pony stallion sitting at the bar. Bandaged and still dragging an I.V, he had checked himself out of the hospital, much to other's protest. Despite his wounds a ski mask still concealed his features.

"What in Tartarus happened to you, Switch?" The Bartender asked.

"Give me a Whiskey, no ice and I'll tell you, Rot."

Plopping a glass in front of his sometime friend, Rot poured the whiskey, then contiuned questioning Switch.

"So, how'd you get into this kinda shape, eh, Blade?"

"Well, Gut, you know how Pretty Poison and I have our anniversary coming up?"

"Yeah of the first date she didn't stab you or leave for dead. How long has that been?"

"A Month, the end of this week."

"Well, what's that got to do with this?" Rot Gut asked the Pony before him, "Did Pretty do this to You?"

"No, she did not, I got this because of a job gone bad. I bring up Pretty because I wanted to give her something special."

"Yeah I can see that, a month is a long time for one of you not to stab the other." The Bartender refilled Switch Blade's Glass and one for himself, then toasted his friend's accomplishment. "Not many couples around her can say that."

"Indeed, not Rot, Indeed not. So anyway Pretty has always admired the ceremonial jewels of the princesses. She has dreams about trying them on. Not keeping them, mind you, just seeing how they look on her. I wanted to give her that, afterwards they'd be returned. You can't fence them, so their's no point in keeping them and their not magical so the royals wouldn't even ransom them back. Even disassembling them for parts is not worth the trouble." Switchblade snorted, "Some of the most priceless jewels in existence and to enterprising gentleman like us, they're not worth a thing."

Both stallions laughed at the irony. Switch Blade continued. "Anyway, I knew I could never get them from the museum, that place is locked up tighter then your purse strings. So I had to find another way. I did my research and that was when I had my idea. All the Princesses kept Assistants, Assistants that where very poorly guarded."

Rot Gut paled, "You didn't." Switch Blade's flinch answered his question, "You did."

Switch Blade held up his hands to halt the oncoming lecture. "Yeah, I should've known that no one with that level of access would be that poorly guarded, unless they didn't need it. But in my defense, Stallions do stupid things for love all the time. The job went wrong from the beginning, Spike, Raven and Fussbudget all proved to be resistant to the cloraform and Spike forced me to Euthanize to of my guys. It was truly admirable to see the way they all resisted. Stygian and Grubber got caught because they where all meeting up before hand. Hell the two of them where trouble as well, at the end I had to take them both as well just to keep it all quiet." Switch Blade shook his head. "A moment of silence for Brick Wall and Iron Cudgel, may they sweet talk there way into heaven before the warden realizes their not in Tartarus."

"Ah Blessed sentiment" Rot Gut intoned. Both stallions paused a moment, bowing their heads, Then Switch Blade continued his story.

"Well, we all get back to hideout and Stygian proceeds to tell us exactly where we are, so I scramble his brain a little and we have to move the entire base, then Grubber does it, I do the same thing, this time to both Stygian and Grubber, again we move, this time Spike does it, well rinse and repeat several times, until finally we get to a hastily set up base that has none of what I want. The bindings are substandard, and I can't seperate them anymore. So, having no choice I placed them in hearing distance of myself and used a disposable crystal to contact the Princesses. Which is the one thing that went smoothly." Here Switch Blade raised his glass toasted "To Stygian and Spike Solaris Sparkle" and took the whiskey all in one shot, slamming his glass down.

"Rot Gut I will never complain about Pretty Poison being high maintenance again, after what the Element of Generosity and Pillar of Kindness said to Stygian and Spike respectively. The crazy mares acted like this was all their stallions fault." Admiration of Spike and Stygian showed through when he next spoke. "So Spike, he just says I'll be there with flowers, and Stygian, he goes real quiet and reaffirms that he will be on time. Spike and Stygian are true dudes. They both have to have balls of Mythril, the size of grapefruits to deal with those two. When Raven Inkwell gets on, Celestia just tells this poor Mare, as if being ponynapped wasn't enough, that since it was her day off, all paperworkd for her to get paid for today has to be in by the end of the day, or it all has to be audited."

Both Stallions shivered. "And I thought Handsome Jack was a stickler for payment on time," Rot answered.

"Yeah, so next up is Grubber, and what does his boss do? Reads him the riot act, honestly it was kinda hot. But still harsh as hell. At this point I wanted to cut them all loose and offer them employment. But I remembered that this was for Pretty and I put Fussbudget on. He proceeds to crituqe the entire job, which, by the way if I find out that he was right about that chlorofom being not what I asked for you and I are going to have a serious conversation later, understand.

Rot Got gulped, "Switch, I would never do that to you."

Switch Blade snorted, "I'm sure you wouldn't is why I don't want to find out, understand?

"Completely"

"Good, at this point I am just about to ask for Pretty's present when Tempest says 'I am sorry the Princesses doesn't negotiate with Terrorists.' Then she blasts the communication crystal, blinding me for a moment. At which point Fussbudget and Stygian slip their chains and proceed to slaughter the last of my crew. Fussbudget gets Raven free, followed by Stygian releasing Spike. At this point I know that I am done so I make a steady retreat, only to have a green flame shot in front of me, halting my escape. I turn, Spike in front of me, as I watch as Stygian brings the last of my crew to the ground behind him, laughing like a hyena. Spike grabs me by the throat and throws me to his fellows." Switchblade gestures to himself.

"The Assistants are the ones that did this to me. Then did me the courtesy of calling for medical attention, Raven Inkwell said it would be to much paperwork for them to kill me or arrest me. Sometime before the Medponies get to me I passed out. When I woke up I was in Canterlot General. So I removed my cathater, checked myself out, and came here to drink until Pretty hears of this and decides to come stab me." Switch Blade shrugs. "Can't say I blame her, Our first Aniversary and I screw the whole thing up."

A blue haired Unicorn Stallion plopped down into the bar stool next to him. "Oh, we can;t have that, can we?"

Switch Blades spun to the side, already in movement for the door, when a flash of pink blinded him. "A first Aniversary is very special," said the Pink Alicorn now standing in front of him.

Cut off, he laced his hands behind his head and knelt. He watched as Rot Got used the moment to dart for the rear, when a bolt of lightning blocked his escape. Rot Gut turned, raised his hands and stood in plain sight of all those in the bar. Tempest got up from the table, followed by Princesses Celestia, Luna and Twilight Sparkle.

Princess Twilight first looked at Switch Blade and then at Rot Gut. She turned to her captain and asked, "Are you sure?'

Tempest merely nodded, Twilight Shrugged then said. "Then make them the offer."

Tempest smiled. "The two of you are in Luck. You have impressed me and grubber with your ingenuity and abilility. Switch Blade, just to give the mare you loved what she wanted, you orchestrated and carried out a well organizied operation. Rot Gut, you maganged to provide suppliy to him, quickly and within cost. I would like to offer you service in Twilight's freindship guard. Because quite frankly Celestia's stinks and Luna's is only effective from the shadows. You two would be trained by me and, more importantly, your commission would be retroactive to before the ponyknapping took place. As far as I'm concerned the incident was an exercise in order to better prepare ourselves for the real thing. The option is that we take the both of you to the dungeon. Any Questions?"

To Tempest's surprise, Switch Blade spoke up.

"Can I confer with my Marefriend first? Both are life changing and I won't do anything that might take me away from her. I've done stints in prison before. Guard would be a new one."

A mare's voice was heard echoing into the bar. "Say Yes, you moron." The mare in question would have passed as Fleur De Lis's younger sister. She shot forward and had a blade to the throat of her Stallion before any could react.

Switch Blade grabbed her mane, pulling her in for a kiss. Cadance squeed a little as Tempest said. "So that is resounding yes from Switch....." Tempest smiled. "and Pretty"

Turning to Rot Gut she was again surprised when he said. "How much does this pay?"

"Free room and board, 4,000 bits a month, plus you get health and dental."

"Beautiful where have you been all my life." Came Rot Gut's reply.

Author's Note

Funny Epilouge, just to have a clean break. I like these three characters so I may do something with them. Or Not. I have not a clue. Still just wanted one more chapter. Please be a little forgiving I wanted to post this tonight and if I stop to edit this I will fall asleep and not do so. So editing may wait until tommorow.