"Your gaggle of hemorrhoids cannot hide from me.”
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Infected Spermagloba Hemorrhoid Stew
"Your gaggle of hemorrhoids cannot hide from me.”
‘Twas the day before Hearth’s Warming, and all through the hut, not a whisper was heard except for the zebra who was making stew.
Zecora looked down at the bubbling liquid, steaming and simmering in the pot. This seemingly flavorless liquid would soon be the delight of everypony in Ponyville… and perhaps even Equestria, nay, the universe, if she made it exactly right.
She travelled away from the pot and wandered to her nearby shelf which was loaded with every kind of spice and herb imaginable.
“Oh, let’s see, what will we do? How do I make a delicious stew?” She rubbed a hoof to her chin. “Ah, I know, I’ll see Rainbow Dash. She may have some ingredients in her trash.”
Zecora trotted to and fro, searching for a jar to carry the necessary ingredients. She finally stumbled upon a medium sized clay pot with an attached lid. This would be ideal.
“Oh yes, this will do fine. Equestria will bow before this stew I call mine.”
Zecora trotted into town in search of her special ingredients. Rainbow Dash’s home would be the first stop, but there would be several more she’d have to make to fully realize her vision of a perfect concoction.
Zecora looked around for the pegasus pony she was after, but to no avail. She had little time to waste as her meal must be prepared by nightfall, so she approached the nearest pony she found.
“Mrs. Cake, I must ask you for guidance! I need Rainbow Dash for culinary compliance.”
Mrs. Cake rubbed a hoof against her chin. “Hmm… I can’t say I’ve seen Rainbow Dash around today. What exactly do you need her for, Zecora?”
“Neigh, and I have nary a second to spare. For if I do not find somepony with what I need, the world will look at my stew and not care.”
“Well, now that you mention it…” Mrs Cake jotted her head back and forth before pointing toward the local hospital. “I think she mentioned having a doctor’s appointment, today. You may check at the hospital!”
Zecora nodded and began heading that way. “Thank you much, Mrs. Cake. I wish you will in all that you bake.”
And with that, Zecora raced over to the hospital.
“Oh! It hurts!” Rainbow Dash squirmed around on the hospital bed, trying to make herself comfortable, but to no avail. “Stupid… grr!”
The hospital room doors flew open, making way for Zecora and her pot to come in. “Rainbow Dash, I’ve found you! This is great news, I can realize my stew!”
“Oh, uh…” Rainbow Dash blushed and covered herself with the blankets. “Hey, Zecora. How’d you know I was here?”
“Mrs. Cake mentioned it today, and the doctor’s here showed me the way.” Zecora smiled and came in. “But Rainbow Dash, how do you feel? Are you prepared to help me with my meal?”
“You’re cooking something?” Rainbow Dash asked, mouth watering. “You should totally bring me some of whatever it is. As for helping? Yeah… I’m kinda tied up here at the moment. Bad cough and all.” She feigned a cough for the zebra and let out a nervous chuckle.
Zecora shook her head. “As to what ails you, why not use honesty? After all, your gaggle of hemorrhoids cannot hide from me.”
“W-what are you talking about?” Rainbow gulped. “I don’t have hemorrhoids!”
The zebra from the Everfree was out of patience, quickly tossing Rainbow Dash onto her stomach. “Aha, now they are revealed! As far as I am concerned, your fate is sealed.”
“Whoa, what are you—” Rainbow Dash paused, a look of horror shooting across her face as Zecora pulled out what looked to be a chimney poker. She began to question the idea of having a chimney in a house made out of a tree, but this was no time for such ridiculous ponderings. “H-hey now, you wouldn’t want to do anything drastic, would y—”
But it was too late. Zecora has already forcefully jabbed one of her hemorrhoids open, the blood and pus pouring into her waiting pot as one coagulated substance. “Yes, this is just perfect,” she said, poking at more hemorrhoids. “Thank Celestia your flank was in such a state of neglect.”
With another poke, Rainbow Dash howled in abject pain. Bits of crusty feces broke off with the latest hemorrhoid, giving the ingredients their own seasoning. The smell was something to behold, the floor Rainbow Dash found herself on already in the process of being evacuated due to the noxious fumes. It was as if the devil himself crawled out of the pot and possessed her nose hairs. She wasn’t sure if it was the cornchip smell of the gelatinous sweat buildup, the acidic fumes of the fecal shards or the chunks of pus that were very reminiscent of parmesan cheese.
“I was originally going to use oregano, but I believe your feces will do, Rainbow,” Zecora smiled, prodding away at the final few sacs of pus, blood, and shit. When she was done, she noticed the frown on her friend’s face. Her flank was simply torn apart, loose bits of flesh and hair hanging every which way as blood dripped freely. “Do not fret, my friend. This will be tasty in the end.”
With that, Zecora made her way downstairs, quickly galloping to the nearest room. As she entered, she saw her dear friend Cheerilee. She appeared to be in labor, and she was nearing the end.
“Push, Cheerilee! Push like your life depends on it!” The doctor helping her shouted.
“Eeyup!” Big Mac reassured her, gripping her hoof.
“I am!” Cheerilee screamed. “It hurts! But it’ll all be worth it to have our baby filly! After three tries, it’ll all be worth it!”
“I can see the head poking out,” the doctor called out.
Zecora wasted no time trotting over to her friend’s gaping goop chute. Shoving the doctor out of the way, she spied the head. Upon entry into the world, the baby cried with its last breath before its infantile vision was flooded with zebra teeth. With nary a care in the world, Zecora flicked her jaw open, bringing them down around the baby filly’s head. The last thing the baby would see was Zecora’s uvula as her teeth crunched down on its neck, severing it from the body entirely.
Blood sprayed out of the baby’s now-exposed neck as its mother screamed above. “Zecora, how could you?!” She screamed. The zebra ignored her, instead choosing to shove her hooves into the massively dilated pussy. She felt around, grabbing all the chunks of baby flesh she could and shoving them into her pot.
“My baby! My baby!” Cheerilee screamed, eyes rolling back in shock.
Zecora politely bowed. “I’m sorry for your loss, but it could be worse. Now excuse me while I boil your afterbirth.”
Back at her hut, Zecora looked upon the stew, a much bigger smile on her face now. The plain water and simple aroma were now replaced by an aroma most exciting and exotic. She so wanted to try her creation, but she had a guest coming over to do the honors instead.
As if on cue, the door swung open, revealing Photo Finish trotting in. “Darling, where is this stew? I must taste ‘ze magicks!”
“Here you are my dear, have a sip. But save the rest for the coming trip.”
Photo Finish gladly enjoyed a spoonful, the scent of weeks old fingernail dirt filling her nostrils from the stew. “So bold! Yet tangy! This shall be perfect for the Canterlot Orphanage Benefit night!”
Zecora humbly smiled. “I’m glad you think so, as I agree. Now let’s just hope it pleases the colts and fillies.”
The two friends shared a laugh and patiently awaited the next day where Zecora’s creation was sure to give birth to many smiles and laughs.
Author's Note
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