At seventy eight minutes past eight in the morning, Twilight Sparkle -in all of her alicorny greatness- sits at the Cutie Mark Map table. Bored.
Very bored.
Bored enough she has the temptation to call Trixie just to talk to someone she hardly ever talks to. However, she quickly dismisses that idea because every time Trixie comes to her castle she bends her silverware and steals her soap.
She also has the idea of bringing Sunset Shimmer over, but, again, she decides against it. It is nothing personal, but she figures Sunset is busy with her life in the alternate dimension... Making apps... Making sushi... Making love to the Flash Sentry she fell in love with and is in no way trying to replicate that love with the Equestrian Flash Sentry with questionable results.
For the briefest of moments she ponders talking with Starlight Glimmer, but said unicorn counterpart had the brilliant idea of eating twelve bags of extra butter popcorn the night prior during a Days of Our Lives at the General Hospital marathon and is now paying the price.
Then there is Tempest Shadow. The towering, dark purple unicorn is marching past Twilight carrying a can of bug spray in her mouth and a lighter with her sparking magic, so the Princess of Friendship smiles and perks up, oblivious to the scowl on her new apprentice's face.
“Tempest!” calls Twilight.
“Noth nhow. Goth a mouth to kehll,” says Tempest.
And then the door slams shut, leaving Twilight's smile to drain away and boredom to fill her back up, like a clogged sink in the creepy bar at the end of town.
Twilight lays her head on the cold table, snorting hot air, and there she sits in silence for a good long time. It is during that time that Tempest passes her without a word to the kitchen. She comes back a few seconds later carrying a broom with a clipped on dustpan in her mouth and barely looks at Twilight when she walks by.
“The mousth isth dehth,” says Tempest.
“Good to know,” says Twilight, her head still on the table.
The door shuts again and Twilight stares ahead at the crystal wall, mind running in circles trying to figure out what to do. It is during this period of silence that Spike walks in, carrying a stack of mail and he gently sets in front of the bored alicorn.
“Mail time! It looks like we got coupons, fan mail, a couple of things for Starlight, and apparently Tempest has been invited to attend the National Waifu Convention,” says Spike, holding up a pink envelope with a heart wax stamp and fancy cursive addressed to Tempest.
“Oh really?” says Twilight, grabbing the envelope with her magic.
“Yeah.”
The envelope erupts in a bright ball of flame and disappears into ash, which is then condensed into a ball and sucked into a swirling void of ghostly screams and colors. When the ash is completely gone, Spike is pale and Twilight smiles innocently.
“We wouldn't want Tempest to be distracted from her friendship lessons,” says Twilight. Soon after saying this, she notices a note dedicated to Spike. She scrunches her brow curiously and taps it with her hoof. “What's this?”
“Are you going to burn it?” asks Spike.
“Is it a waifu invitation?”
“No.”
“Then no.”
Twilight looks at the envelope again and notices stamped on it is the Royal IQ Society, and she gasps and looks at Spike, ears and wings perked.
“You took an IQ test?” asks Twilight.
“Yeah, but only because Starlight said I was super smart and I wanted to see how smart super smart was,” says Spike.
“What did you score?”
“I don't know. I just got it.”
“Well, open it!”
Spike stares at her cautiously and Twilight's smile spreads across her face at a skin ripping level and pushes the envelope closer to Spike. Said baby dragon carefully opens it with his claw, slowly pulls out the parchment and reads out loud.
“Dear Spike Sparkle,
Thank you for taking the Royal IQ Society's Standardized IQ Test. We pride ourselves in fairness, accuracy and professionalism. Attached is an in depth, comprehensive evaluation of your score, including strengths and weaknesses. Your IQ score, after careful grading and cross referencing, put you at 100 points. Congratulations! You are average!”
Spike holds the paper away at arms length, frowning with a raised brow.
“Huh, that was anti-climatic,” says Spike with some disappointment.
Twilight coos and wraps Spike in her wing. “Don't feel bad, Spike. You're still a genius.”
Spike looks at Twilight, smiling. “Really?”
“Yes! Because of you I now have an idea to kill time... Taking an IQ test with the rest of the girls!”
Spike frowns. “Oh... Great.”
Twilight pulls away from Spike and trots away, beaming.
“Fetch the girls, Spike! I'm going to make copies of the Royal IQ Test!” says Twilight.
Twilight disappears from sight, and right as Spike is about to leave Tempest enters the room, carrying in her mouth a tied up shopping bag that smells like burnt flesh.
“Any mail for me?” asks Tempest.
“Oh... uh...” Spike's eyes flick to the pile, then at the area where the void was, then at Tempest. “No.”
A couple of hours later, the original band of sisters is in Twilight's library, all talking among themselves, behaving like civilized mares and in no way having destruction following them. Everything is normal.
Everything is boring.
“I don't know, Rarity, I'm not really into that kind of music,” says Fluttershy, her hoof pawing the polished floor.
“Ah, but Demon Slayer is not all hard rock. They have softer melodies,” says Rarity. “It will be fun, and we will have the clean seats!”
“I'm sorry, but I cannot picture you listening to metal,” says Rainbow Dash. “I mean, Spitfire likes metal, but she is rough and tough, and you're kind of an elitist snob.”
Rarity frowns. “Your grace knows no bounds, dear Dash.”
“How long does it take to make copies?” asks Applejack, staring at the clock above the door.
“Twilight's with the government. They are the only people who can waste time and money and get away with it,” says Pinkie Pie. She holds out a tray of chocolate chip cookies to Applejack. “Cookie?”
Applejack shrugs and snags one, and Pinkie Pie passes the tray around until each mare has a cookie, and once they are all munching on the treat the door opens and Twilight waltzes in, grinning and levitating a bundle of paper.
“Girls, I'm glad you could all come!”' says Twilight.
“Of course. It has been too long since we had a calm get-together,” says Rarity.
“Tell me about it,” says Rainbow Dash. “I'm not one for tests, but there is absolutely no way this day could get any more boring. Besides, I always wanted to know how smart I was.”
“Taking an IQ test did sound interesting,” says Fluttershy.
“I never thought I would willingly take a test, but here I am,” says Applejack, adding with a smile: “Maybe we can grab lunch after this.”
“Do we have to take an IQ test, or can we just doodle?” asks Pinkie Pie.
The girls look at her curiously.
“I guess you don't have to, but all of us are taking it. Including me,” says Twilight.
“Then who's grading?”
“Spike.”
The Element Bearers turn to Spike, who is reading a comic book in the corner that has a bloody smile face on it with “Who Watches the Power Ponies?” as its tag line. He is oblivious to everyone and is yawning a bored yawn, too. The group then looks at Twilight, and her eyes sparkle as she squees and flaps her wings a bit.
“How bored are we?” asks Rainbow Dash.
Some more time goes by. It is still boring, but it is not as boring as the previous part of the day, and when the girls are all finished with their test they give it Spike, who reluctantly left to grade all six tests using a handy graph and answer booklet that Twilight had found in her library.
During the time Spike does the grading, the Element Bearers sit in a circle on the floor, using a stash of cushions to sit on and talked about whatever comes to mind.
The conversations are in no way interesting or enlightening. In fact, not much has happened since the Storm King's failed attempt to wipe out Equestria. No adventures, no bizarre events, no great demons coming from the abyss to suck away all life for obscure reasons. Life has become boring.
When Spike does return with the tests after an indiscernible amount of time he nearly slams them into Twilight's chest and stomps back to his chair to finish his comic book.
“Thank you, Spike!” says Twilight.
“Uh huh,” grumbles Spike.
Twilight gives each of their tests back, and as they get it back they giggle and exchange their scores.
“Ninety? How am I at ninety?” asks Rainbow Dash.
“I dunno, but I got a hundred,” says Applejack. “Is that good?”
“Of course its good. But mine is better at one oh five,” says Rarity. “What did you get Fluttershy?”
“Um.... ninety five,” says Fluttershy.
“How are you smarter than me?” asks Rainbow Dash. She scowls at her test. “This thing is gypped.”
Fluttershy shrinks behind her mane. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad.”
Applejack snickers. “If you're gonna feel bad about that, wait until we hear Twilight's.”
The group looks at Twilight, and she looks at her score, studying intently.
“I'm at one forty five... Huh. Neat,” says Twilight.
“Yeah, yeah, real neat. We all know you're the smartest of the bunch. But what about Pinkie Pie. What did she get?” says Rainbow Dash.
“Well,” begins Twilight with a smile, “I would love to know, but Pinkie Pie drew a bunch of fish on her test!”
Twilight turns her smile into a frown and puts her condemning gaze on the pink pony, but said pony is too busy making a fortress out of books to notice the harsh gaze.
“Not just any fish. Sailfish!” says Pinkie Pie as she carefully makes a steeply out of the books.
“Oh, I like those. They are cute,” says Fluttershy.
“You think every animal is cute,” says Rainbow Dash with a roll of her eyes.
“Pinkie, the point of the IQ test was to measure your intelligence quotient,” says Twilight, using her magic to disassemble the fort and put the books in a neat stack away from Pinkie Pie.
“You mean stroke your ego to prove how much smarter you are than the rest of us?” counters Pinkie with a pout.
“Well, when you put it that way you make it sound terrible. I promise you it was all in good fun. No maliciousness intended.”
“Yeah, no need to get worked up over it. I thought it was fun,” says Applejack. “Besides, we all know that Twilight's brain is bigger than the lot of us. Especially Dash's.”
“Hey!” whines Rainbow Dash.
“Come on, Pinkie Pie. Take the test. There is nothing to be ashamed of or to be nervous about. We're all friends here,” says Rarity.
Pinkie Pie sighs with great exaggeration and holds out her hoof. “Fine, if you want to play that game we can play that game.” Twilight gives Pinkie Pie a fresh test and pencil, and with a pencil in her mouth she points at Rainbow Dash. “Time me.”
“With what?” asks Rainbow Dash.
Pinkie Pie points at the clock, and Dash flushes and looks away, rubbing her mane.
“Oh... Yeah, clocks and time and stuff...”
And with that, Pinkie Pie takes the test. It does not take long for her to go through it, and this time instead of drawing a school of sailfish she actually answers each and every question without missing a beat. Once she finishes it she gives it to Twilight and snags one of her cookies.
“Here you go. Have fun,” says Pinkie Pie, her mouth full of chewed cookie.
Twilight takes it, inspects it, then goes to the corner of the room to do the grading. While she does this, Applejack sits next to Pinkie Pie.
“So... is there any particular reason why you drew a bunch of fish on the test?” asks Applejack.
“Nope. I just wanted to draw some fish,” says Pinkie Pie.
“So there ain't a hidden message? No rhyme? No reason? Ya just wanted to draw a bunch of fish.”
“Yep.”
“... Okay then.”
A couple of minutes later Twilight returns to the group, her brows scrunched in confusion and Pinkie's test and the grading graph levitating in front of her. She stops in front of Pinkie Pie, but keeps her eyes on the test and the graph. After several more seconds of silence she lowers the papers to look at Pinkie Pie with a broken heart.
“Pinkie... your score is... is.... insane,” says Twilight.
“Like, good insane or bad insane?” asks Rainbow Dash.
“Her IQ is measured at one hundred and eighty five points.”
The group blinks, and one by one, like stiff gears, they turn to Pinkie Pie, who is not looking at anybody. Her lips are hooked to a frown, her ears are drooped and her mane has deflated slightly. Her odd silence is met with more silence by the rest, and only Rainbow Dash looks away from her to seek answers from Twilight.
“Are you sure you graded that right?” asks Rainbow Dash.
“Rainbow Dash! How rude!” scolds Rarity.
“What? I'm being serious! I mean, this is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. She has the focus of a hummingbird.”
“You mean like you?” teases Applejack.
Rainbow Dash waves her off. “Nah. I got the focus of a hawk.”
“I don't think that's right. Maybe a baby hawk,” says Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash glares at her fellow Element, and in turn she smiles nervously and takes a step back.
“But you're a cute baby hawk,” adds Fluttershy.
Rainbow Dash raises her brow, still frowning, and Fluttershy looks down, shielding her shame with her mane.
“I'll be quiet now,” says Fluttershy.
“Thanks.” Rainbow Dash turns back to Twilight. “Can you recount my test? I mean, if Pinkie's brain can hold a hundred and eighty five IQ points then surely I can hold, like, two hundred. No. Three hundred!” She flies up to Twilight and grabs her cheeks hard and peers into her eyes, her wings beating fast like a hummingbird. “Recount my test!”
Twilight pulls away from Rainbow Dash, rubbing her cheek and doing her best to hide the obvious annoyance.
“All right, all right. I'll recount your score, but I don't think its going to change,” says Twilight.
“That's a defeatist attitude, Twi. Go recount.”
“Dash, it ain't that big of a deal,” says Applejack. “Besides, ya didn't have a problem with Twilight being smarter than you.”
“That's because Twilight is an egghead. She soaks up everything she reads like a sponge. But Pinkie is Pinkie. All she thinks about is random stuff, parties and cupcakes. There is no way she can outsmart me.”
“If I recount yours and Pinkie's tests will you accept the score?” says Twilight .
“Yes!”
“Alright then. I'll recount it.”
Twilight takes Rainbow's test and walks off, grumbling to herself, and group spends the next few minutes in silence, watching Rainbow Dash pace in circles, occasionally casting a look at Twilight. It takes Twilight a good while to grade the tests this time since she is going through each one with the precision of a surgeon, and when she finally returns with the test, she returns to Rainbow Dash her test.
“Rainbow, your score changed. You are not a ninety IQ. You're a ninety three,” says Twilight.
Rainbow Dash hoof pumps. “Heck yeah! Score!”
Twilight gives Pinkie Pie her test back. “And you're still at one eighty five.”
“Oh, what!?”
Pinkie Pie smiles thinly. “Thanks for putting a bullseye on me, Twilight. Very friendly of you.”
“Pinkie, don't be like that,” says Twilight. “This actually explains so much about you and your manic nature and ability to remember everything you read, see, touch, smell and all that you meet. You are literally so smart that you are disconnected from normalcy and your drive to make as many friends as possible is a way to compensate for your inferiority complex derived from you're inability to comfortably connect with anypony.”
Pinkie Pie stretches out, pushing her forelegs out so her head is nearly touching the floor and raising her backside while swishing her tail.
“Sorry, Twilight, I cannot be your waifu. My heart belongs to somepony else,” says Pinkie Pie.
“Really?” asks Rarity. “Who's the lucky stallion?”
“I didn't mean it like that!” says Twilight swiftly. “I'm just surprised that you have kept it hidden from us. There is nothing to be ashamed of for being smart.”
“Oh, I know, but I have an image to keep up,” says Pinkie Pie, straightening herself out. “And Rarity, I will give you a hint. He is not color blind.”
“That... That is a horrible clue,” says Rarity.
“Sorry, I made a Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony since he doesn't want the attention.”
“Assuming he is a he and not a she,” says Rainbow Dash.
“Assuming I am lying about having a special he,” says Pinkie Pie.
“Pinkie, it is not the first time you pretended to have a colt friend. We all remembered the fake pen pal and that time when you claimed that you and Cheese were sprinkles and frosting.”
“We were. But I couldn't have competition on my turf, so he had to go far far awaaaaaaaay very very fast.”
Like a mudslide, the silence rushes in and devastates the conversation. The group stares at Pinkie Pie, wide eyed, save for Spike. He is back to reading his comic book and not caring about the conversation in the slightest.
“...Okay, that got dark,” says Applejack after some seconds.
“Cheese Sandwich aside, your image is completely misleading! You could be something more than... well, you,” says Twilight.
“But Pinkie is just fine the way she is,” says Fluttershy.
“Thank you!” Pinkie Pie hugs and nuzzles the natural pegasus floof Fluttershy's chest. “I'm glad somepony appreciates me... By the way, you're soft.”
Fluttershy blushes. “Oh. Thank you.”
Pinkie Pie burrows herself into Fluttershy's chest, covering her cheek in the yellow fluff, humming and smiling with her eyes closed.
“Like, really soft,” murmurs Pinkie Pie. “And you smell like yellow cake. I could sleep with you all day.”
Fluttershy tries to pull away, wings raising, but Pinkie Pie hooks her hoof around her back and keeps her locked in place using the natural notorious earth pony strength.
“You aren't going anywhere. You are my pillow now,” says Pinkie Pie.
“Okay, that's fine... I guess,” says Fluttershy, her eyes silently broadcasting calls for help.
Rarity responds by taking a picture with a camera she had managed to hide from everyone, all while Applejack and Rainbow Dash munch on more cookies, eyeing the scene intently.
“Pinkie, you can let go of Fluttershy any time. I think you're making her uncomfortable,” says Twilight.
“Sorry, Twi. We'll cuddle later, okay?” says Pinkie Pie.
Twilight puffs out her cheeks and wings with a huff.
“That is not what I mean,” she says. “We got to talk about ways to use your amazing IQ for something other than nothing. Together, you and I can do so much! Just think of all the things we can do! We can cure diseases, prove the shape of the world-”
“Its flat,” says Applejack.
Rainbow Dash chokes on a cookie.
“We can even go to the moon without magic!” continues Twilight.
“Or build a giant robot,” says Tempest right next to Twilight.
This causes Twilight to squeak and jump, landing with her feathers and fur puffed, and she turns to Tempest, who is looking down at her with the classic even look.
“Tempest, what a surprise!” says Twilight, forcing a giggle, then a clearing of her throat. “How long have you been standing there?”
“Long enough. Twilight, I got a question,” says Tempest.
Twilight hesitates. “Go ahead.”
“I was expecting some mail. It takes eight days for a particular type of mail to reach me. The last mail I got of that nature said I would be receiving another mail five days after I got that one. It has now been six days, so I was wondering if you saw an invitation to the National Waifu Convention addressed to me,” says Tempest.
The girls and Spike look at Twilight, and with bugged out eyes, Twilight shakes her head slowly.
“Nope. Can't say I have,” says Twilight.
“Huh, that's strange. My pen pal -who I am admittedly having very strange feelings for- said he would send me an invitation to the National Waifu Convention so we can get to know each other better and see the screening of the new The Big P season premier,” says Tempest. “If something happened to that mail I would have to hurt somepony.” She narrows her eyes at Twilight. “Badly.”
“Oh...” Twilight's ears droop. “I'll talk to the post office later. Maybe they have it in their backroom somewhere.”
“Good. By the way, I'm bored. Who wants to wrestle?”
Koniec