Trumpet

by Crystal Wishes

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 2676

A slice of life tale about a mare who discovered Eazy Cheezy.

Crystal Wishes had eaten a lot of cheese in her life. After all, her mother had a penchant for ensuring every dinner had a proper wine and cheese pairing.

Then her best friend introduced her to something called Eazy Cheezy, and the aftermath was quite breezy.

Published 2018-03-01 23:00:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-03-01 23:00:07 UTC

Super Squeezy

Crystal Wishes was enjoying a quiet afternoon with a good book, a glass of fine wine, and a plate of aged cheeses. The only way it could have been more perfect was if it had been a plate of chocolates, but it was rare for her mother to send her a gift, so the least she could do was enjoy it right away.

She sipped on her wine while the protagonist—a strong-willed mare by the name of Starshine—ventured deeper into the dark forest. Searching for a rare flower that was rumored to grant a heart's desire, Starshine was determined to not return home with empty hooves.

Back in her hometown, Starshine's own heart's desire lived unaware of her feelings for him. He was a simple barber with a warm smile and a kind heart. The only problem was he was too kind—he treated everypony like family, so it was difficult to get him to acknowledge her as more than that.

Crystal's magic reached out blindly and latched onto a little triangular slice of gruyere. Her eyes remained locked on the passages before her while the cheese floated past her lips.

The forest was full of danger at every twist and turn. Starshine settled in among the thick roots of a tree, cold and scared but determined nonetheless. All around her, she could hear creatures calling out to one another in the night in low tones that were distant but not distant enough.

Though Starshine's very bones ached with exhaustion, sleep seemed out of reach. Her mind was suddenly plagued with doubt and fear. What if she couldn't find the Desirebloom, or if she did and it didn't work?

Tension fell away when Crystal was unable to grab onto another slice of cheese, and she forced her gaze from the pages in front of her to look at the plate—and found it empty.

With a small grumble, she slid off the sitting pillow to make her way into the kitchen, all the while returning her attention to the story.

After all, she couldn't handle not knowing what happened next: the next chapter, the next scene, the next paragraph, the next sentence! Reading was just as much of a joy as writing, sometimes even more so, depending on her mood.

Especially when she felt such a connection to the leading lady. Crystal heaved a small sigh as she spared a moment to grieve her own situation. Like Starshine, her heart's desire—Silent Knight of Princess Luna’s House Guard—was wholly unaware of her feelings. Unfortunately, there was no mythical flower she knew of that could solve her problem.

She shook her head and returned her focus to the book while she stood in the middle of the kitchen. Starshine had just woken from a fitful sleep and was preparing for the day ahead of her when a sound bellowed through the pre-morning darkness.

Crystal's heart pounded, her eyes flicking across the words almost faster than she could comprehend them. She needed something; cheese, chocolate, cookies, crackers, anything to chew on to relieve some of the nervous energy that bubbled around her chest.

Her gaze drifted between the book and her surroundings. The first cabinet was empty of proper reading snacks. Starshine was running through the brush and bramble. There was nothing in the fridge that seemed suitable. The rumble of a growl chased Starshine further into the unknown.

Then, there it was—for Starshine, a small cave; for Crystal, a bright yellow canister.

"'Eazy Cheezy'?" she mused aloud, concentration broken. "What in Equestria?" With a turn of her head, she yelled at a closed door, "Velvet! What is Eazy Cheezy?"

A moment later, the door opened, and Velvet's head poked out. "Where did you find that?"

Crystal's gaze flickered between the canister held in her magic and her roommate's too-blank expression. "At the back of the cupboard." Carefully, she lowered it onto the counter. "Is this a—" Her cheeks felt hot. "A private thing?"

"What?" Velvet walked all the way out of her room, a grin breaking across her muzzle. "No, Crystal, it's not a sex thing." She paused mid-step. "Well, I mean, it could be. Anything could be if you try."

There was a pause while Velvet mulled it over and Crystal did her best not to.

Finally, Velvet gave a shake of her head and eyed Crystal with something between suspicion and uncertainty. "You don't know what Eazy Cheezy is?"

Crystal glanced over at the can that stood tall, overall white with bold lettering and a solid yellow cap. "Is it—spray paint?"

"Why would I keep spray paint in the kitchen?" Velvet's ears fell flat to the sides, then she snickered and leaned against the counter. "Well, I'm not surprised, I guess. They don't even sell this stuff in Canterlot. I have to get it from Manehattan when I go visit my grandparents."

"What is it?" Crystal asked, sounding a little more like a petulant foal than she would have liked.

Letting out a sigh that verged on an embarrassed groan, Velvet relented, "It's cheese, kind of. It's junk food." Her lips twitched into a lopsided grin. "Do you even know what junk food is?"

Crystal huffed. "Of course I do. I've had ice cream before. And crisps."

"Yes, darling, crisps," Velvet repeated in an over-the-top Canterlot accent before sputtering into a laugh. "Like, that barely counts. You probably had kale crisps, too."

Though she said nothing, her silence gave Velvet all the answer she needed to laugh again.

Velvet moved over to rummage in one of the cabinets and pulled out a pack of crackers. "Listen, see, us commoners like to eat food that's bad for us." She dropped the package onto the counter, ripped it open, and scattered a few crackers onto a plate. "It's how we know we're still alive."

"That makes no sense," Crystal muttered, but otherwise kept her attention fixated on what Velvet was doing with her hooves.

With one hoof, Velvet popped the yellow cap off the canister to reveal what very much looked like the nozzle for spray paint. "And one of our greatest inventions was Eazy Cheezy. It's probably, like, only ten percent real cheese. The rest is… whatever the opposite of kale chips is."

Crystal just watched as Velvet tipped the can, pressed on the nozzle, and—and something shot out onto the cracker.

It wasn't quite yellow, and it wasn't quite orange. What was the texture even supposed to be? It was neither firm nor soft from the looks of it, what with the way it coiled over itself.

All in all, Crystal decided that it looked dreadfully unappetizing. Velvet offered it to her, cracker and strange yellow-orange firm-soft substance together in a visually disparate contrast of familiar and foreign.

Velvet's eyes flashed with mischief. "You're grossed out, aren't you? Prissy Canterlot lady can't handle a little cheese-like substance?"

Tipping her nose into the air, Crystal wrapped her magic around the cracker. "I am well-versed in cheese-like substances, thank you very much. It would be my pleasure to expand my dairy repertoire."

"Uh-huh." Velvet grinned wide. "Then eat it."

Crystal glanced at the—what was she supposed to call it? Cheese gloop? No, that made her stomach turn. Cheesy paste? It was holding its form too well for paste. Cheese… thing. Swallowing her uncertainty, she opened her mouth and prepared herself to take a bite of the cheese thing.

Author's Note

For readers who use userscripts: I highly recommend considering the installation of this userscript and turn on your sound before continuing to the next chapter. This will ensure full enjoyment of your reading experience. Thank you.

Feeling Breezy

In all the years Velvet had known Crystal, she'd never seen her like this.

Sure, Crystal had always been a little bit notorious for snacking while reading. And sure, Velvet understood being so enthralled with something that the snacking got a little out of hoof.

But going through an entire can of Eazy Cheezy, to the point of not having enough crackers and just consuming it straight from the can itself… This wasn't snacking while reading.

This was reading while snacking. For the first time, reading had taken a backseat.

It was almost inspiring. Ever since they had moved in together, Velvet had kept her fondness for Eazy Cheezy a secret from her high society best friend. How could a pony who knew the difference between a red wine glass and a white wine glass understand the pleasure of something like artificial color and flavor?

And yet here they were: Velvet sitting on one pillow with an empty can in her hooves, and Crystal sitting on the other and lamenting said empty can.

"Why did you only have one?" Crystal asked as she looked up from her book with a pout.

Given how well Crystal could pull off a pout, Velvet often wondered how many lessons on pouting were in those manner classes Upper Crust made Crystal take.

"Because I only bring a few back from Manehattan, and I haven't gone there in, like, months." Velvet rolled the can idly between her hooves. "Why did you turn into a crazy glutton?"

Crystal's ears shot up and she simultaneously flushed with embarrassment and glared with indignation. "Excuse you! I'm not going to apologize for enjoying something that you told me to try."

Velvet snorted. "Yeah. Key word: try. Like, you know, we'd make up a few crackers and enjoy them, together. Not 'become a single-minded cheesivore'."

"Oh, I—"

An odd expression flashed across Crystal's face as the book she had been reading dropped out of her magic to land on the floor. One hoof moved to her stomach and she winced.

Velvet arched one brow. "You okay?"

"I think so," Crystal mumbled, rubbing her hoof on a small circle. "I just ate too much, perhaps."

There was a pause that was interrupted by a distinct gurgling noise.

Crystal grimaced.

Velvet grinned.

"Oh my Celestia," Velvet said, rising to her hooves. "Crystal, did you seriously make yourself sick?"

"No!" Crystal paled and gave a hurried shake of her head. "No, thank you, my stomach is not that delicate."

Her stomach gurgled again.

"I think the lady protests too much, or whatever." Velvet couldn't help it; she tossed her head back and laughed. She did, however, start toward the kitchen. "I'll get the ginger, sissy stomach."

Although Crystal didn't reply, she did make a high-pitched, squeaky noise. Velvet froze, both ears pinned back toward Crystal, and they both went very, very still.

In all the years Velvet had known Crystal, she'd never heard her make a sound like that.

Sure, Crystal had always been a little high strung when she was embarrassed. And sure, Velvet had heard her squeak before, when words simple failed her and all she could do was whine like a foal imitating a tea kettle.

But that had been a very specific, very un-lady-like sound. One she didn't even know Crystal was capable of making.

"Did you just—"

Crystal practically shrieked, "I most certainly did not! It—It was the pillow."

The snort of laughter hit Velvet harder than it should have, as if she had been struck by it directly in the throat. "Crystal, oh my gosh, pillows don't make a sound like that."

"I will not sit here and be accused of such—such things!" Crystal jumped up, and Velvet turned to watch her storm into the bathroom.

Or, well, it wasn't so much of a storm as it was a hurried, tight-legged mad dash.

Velvet grinned and walked over to the door just as it slammed shut. "Do you still want the ginger?"

"I'm fine," Crystal replied in the strangled voice that heavily implied she definitely wasn't, and definitely wanted Velvet to leave her alone.

So Velvet sat down and leaned against the doorframe, settling in for what was sure to be an amusing few minutes.

There was silence for a while, and then—there it was. A muffled squeak.

Velvet couldn't even think of smothering her snickering, and broke out into another laugh when Crystal shrieked, "It wasn't me!"

"There's nothing to be embarrassed of." Velvet rubbed the corner of one eye to wipe away the tears. "It's totally natural. I mean, it's never happened to me, but, well, I don't keep myself so tightly wound that things just… squeak out."

"Velvet," Crystal practically snarled, her voice echoing in the small bathroom, "I swear to both Celestia and Luna, if you don't shut up, I will—I'll—"

"What, fart on me?" Velvet broke into laughter again. "Gas me out of the house?"

After a pause, Crystal gave a strangled sob. "Please don't say that word."

"Which word? What?"

"No, the—the other word."

Velvet tilted her head back against the doorframe to grin up at the ceiling. "Sorry, which one? Me? House? Out?"

Crystal groaned. "You know exactly which word I mean, and I really don't care for this conversation one bit."

"That's a shame, because I'm absolutely loving it."

When the silence fell again, Crystal tapped her hoof against something—the floor, maybe?—to cover up the underlying sound of another muffled squeak.

"It's only going to be worse if you try to hold it in, you know." Velvet made a sincere effort not to choke on impending laughter. "Just let it go and you'll feel so much better."

"Velvet, please. Don't you have ballet practice or something? Anything but sitting here and being the nigh literal bane of my existence?"

"Honestly?" Velvet hooked one hindleg over the other and settled in for what was turning out to be a lot longer than just a few minutes. "This is probably the most important thing I'll ever do. I'm honored to be the one to help you through this flatulent time in your life."

Crystal made a sound that was almost a laugh. It still sounded whiny, but at least an amused whine. "I wasn't aware you knew the word 'flatulent'."

"I wasn't aware you could be flatulent."

This time, the sound was definitely a whiny, no amusement added. "Velvet…"

"Hey, think about it this way. You could turn this into something positive."

Crystal snorted. "How in Equestria could the most embarrassing moment of my life result in something positive?"

Velvet turned her head to look at the door, as if that made the conversation more personal. "Well, for one, I feel like we are now closer than ever before. But more than that, we just discovered a new option for you at school."

"A—what?"

Velvet's lips curled into a grin. "If you practiced, I'm sure you'd be a great new member of Band Club."

After a pause where Crystal was undoubtedly looking right back at the door with a puzzled expression, she finally groaned. "You're terrible."

The grin widened. "There's just one problem."

"I can think of several, but what, pray tell, is the problem you're referring to?"

Waiting just long enough to let the curiosity sink in, Velvet finally replied, "They'd probably kick you out for the smell."

"Oh, for the love of—!" Crystal exclaimed with a voice full of both horror and frustration. "There is no smell! That's it, go! Get out! I don't care where you go, but get out of this condo right now!"

Unfortunately, as soon as she stopped yelling, Crystal must have lost her focus, because her words were punctuated with the squeal of a wheezing trumpet.

Silence reigned supreme for a long while, during which Velvet imagined Crystal silently sobbing into her forehooves.

"Wow," Velvet finally said, "I was just kidding about the smell."

Crystal's silent sobs became less silent as she managed between them, "I—wish I—were dead."

"It'll be okay. We'll get through this together. I just, well, I'm going to move away from the door." Velvet started to grin again. "And maybe light a scented candle or something."

Crystal paused, then whispered, "I wish you were dead."

"I know, I know." Velvet patted fondly on the door between them. "I love you, too, my little butt trumpet."