Prelude: The Beautiful Letdown
Author's Note
Welcome to the first of hopefully many chapters of my very first ever time writing anything bigger than a 5 paragraph essay for school or a really long YouTube comment. Done entirely on the browsers of my Nintendo 3DS and Xbox 360 no less. I thought Fimfiction was good, but in my purple haze the other night I wondered, "But can it run Crysis?" Now we'll find out. Enjoy! :D
Prelude: The Beautiful Letdown
! ~*~*~ FIMtube Poop: Twilight Sparkle in Crysis 2 ~*~*~ !
~ Prelude: The Beautiful Letdown ~
It is an ordinary night, in an ordinary town. Our heroine, Twilight Sparkle, is a shithot mare from Canterlot adjusting to the life of simple ponies from Ponyville. She's only been here a few years now, but at least she has seen and done some crazy stuff for being confined to such a boring place. However, what is about to happen tonight will be crazier and wilder than anything Twilight could ever dream of.
Our story begins with an ordinary knock on the Ponyville cake shop's door.
*Knock.*
No answer.
*Knock knock.*
Still no answer.
*Knock knock knock!*
Still no answer!
Growing impatient, Twilight Sparkle began rapidly knocking on the door to the Cake shop. She was anxious and in a hurry to do the thing in the shop with the Cakes tonight.
"Hey bitch! Gimme your fuckin' lunch money!" a rictus grinning pastel pink pony suddenly opened the door faster than should be possible under the laws of euclidean physics. She immediately grabbed the book horse outside by the neck and shook her hard.
Twilight instinctively kicked and squirmed in the air, to no avail. Wheezing, she managed to squeak out a plea for mercy, "P-*hhhhaa*-Pinkieeee... pl- please.."
"Twilight??" Pinkie Pie said, still holding the rapidly-turning-blue mare, "Is that you?"
Twilight nodded and was immediately dropped back onto the ground. Dazed, she took a moment to breathe and regain her composure. Then she yelled angrily, "Pinkie Pie! What in tartarus was that all about?!"
Pinkamena Diane Pie giggled and, pulling Twilight with her the whole way like some ragdoll, began happily bouncing up and down the cake shop, down the stairs through the secret sex dungeon, across the myriad of musty underground zebra slave trade outposts, and finally up to ground level through that volcano from that kinda B movie "Airplane Vs. The Volcano" I think it was called where there's a lot of really bad acting but also some good, and that guy from Lost or whatever saves the day and pilots the plane into the *spoiler alert* volcano at the end.
"PINKIEAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! WHAT IN THE LITERAL FUCK YA CRAZY BITCH?! Where the H E double hockey sticks are we and why did I just speak a human foal's explative?!" huffed the angry and incredibly confuzzled purple magic science horse.
"Oh silly Twilight, you're such a worry wort. Don't fret, Auntie Pinkie will make it all clear in a sec. Wellll, not liteeeerrralllly a sec, but you get what I mean. I mean, who talks in literally all the time anyway? Well you usually do, but that's not the point see-" She then rambled on a tangent for over 20 minutes before getting back somewhat on topic. "Oh, and sorry about greeting you with my chokehold earlier, I was so stoned that I thought you were Limestone." Pinkie looked off into the distance with a giggle and a snort, bemused admiration on her face.
Twilight huffed and raised her hoof at Pinkie, speaking with the tone of a pretentious Canterlot hipster telling likely incest-born colts from Appleloosa why the Filly Cooper and PoisonjokesWagon Beetle in her driveway were better for the environment and Equestria at large than their 4-Wing-Fly Discord F250. "You are such a pill. This is asanine. Surely you must understand that not even your hormonally challenged sister would deserve such maligned treatment anyway? And, Pinkie you insolent fool, you still skirt the issue of where we have meandered to so suddenly. Our arrangement was not to reach the top of some magma-filled oubliette, but was to have me observe and research that consensual corpulent polyamorous liason that the-"
"English Twilight!" Balloon horse cut her off.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "I thought you invited me to the gangbang we were gonna do on Mrs. Cake tonight." she said flatly.
"Oh. That's neexxxxxxt tuesday, silly!"
Twilight blushed, facehoofing profusely. "Oh no... I think I messed up the time travel spell that I had Spike try to sneak out of Celestia's personal library last night.... Now it all makes sense..."
"Wait, what?" Pinkie asked, her head cocked in curiousity.
"Yeah," Chill Twi The Science Awry explained, "I'm pretty sure now that I'M actually from NEXT Wednesday, and you're from another dimension entirely. See, I couldn't go to next tuesday's gangbang with Mrs. Cake because I was already participating in the interspecies orgy at Fluttershy's cottage. Well, and while it was good and all, because I was really letdown from not getting to shoot my jollies into that big beautiful blue ass of Mrs. Cake's, and also because we're a kid's show that can totally just forget the lessons we learn in ealrier seasons, like how not to misuse time travel or why not to use magic like mirror pools and such just to enjoy multiple friends' activites, I figured, why not come back in time to go to the gangbang?"
Twilight swallowed a lump in her throat and then continued, "I had Spike sneak into Celestia's private library, putting him at great risk... I was stoned pinkie... It was a rough day and I wasn't thinking. I was just "chillaxing" with Vinyl and her stash of dub sacks 'cause her grandma died and I wanted to toke up with her. Got some good ideas from it, sure, it was cool to learn a bunch of new magic, but, Jesus Pinkie, I learned how to turn a bong into a bowl of nachos and how to smoke weed out of some fruit that you turned into a frog in the same night, but we shouldn't have ended up learning so much that we ran out of books and had to, uh, borrow... from Celestia's private library... I'm sorry, but You don't understand!"
Without even thinking, Twilight's eyes and horn lit up, and her smile became plastered onto her face with magic clown paint. In true outskirts Canterlot hustler fashion she began to rap,
"♪ This was some great whole grain, the heaviest of strains, a dub sack a day, it'll take away your pain! ♪ ...Oh, but,"
Twilight looked very sheepish now as she shoved down her inner juggalo, "we shouldn't have bothered our poor little Puff the Magic Dragon with sneaking off to Celestia's place when he was in the middle of jacking off to his favorite weeb porn, "Boku no Cutiemark."
She paused, at a loss for words as she took in the surrounding scenery. The beautiful purple haze, the smoke billowing from the majestic mountain of fire below, the serene, sheep-filled plains of New Zealand around them. Mordor looked ever-green. The kingdom just might finally be at peace for the next thousand years.
"Pinkie, I don't know how it happened, but in my world you would never hurt a friend or a sibling like you just tried to, nor would you steal their lunch money. I don't know what this is either, but... sigh... look Alternate Pinkie... you're really sweet for bringing me out here, I shouldn't question 'Why?' so much, but rather, 'Why not?' Will you forgive me? I'll let you show me whatever it is you needed to out here. It really is beautiful."
Pinkie looked dumbfounded for a sec, looking down at her Apple watch... Then looking up with half-lidded eyes she said, "Twilight, there's something I have to tell you."
"Yes Pinkie?" Twilight said, leaning in, her lips inching closer to the other mare's.
Pinkie Pie laughed. "You silly goose! The calender on this overpriced piece of shit malfunctioned!! The gangbang WAS tonight, and you didn't mess up anything because I AM the real Pinkie! If you'd been at the LAST gangbang," she teased, "you would know how much Limestone likes hardcore surprise BDSM!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"
Twilight's jaw dropped as Pinkie began rolling on the volcanic mountaintop floor uncontrollably.
"Aww, shit. It's okay Twi! Anywho," She gasped suddenly as she inflated to the size of Donald Trump's ego. "Now we get to the fun part! I finally get to show you why you're here! Nathan Gould! He needs you to fight the Ceph!"
"Huh?" Purple Smart OG Kush was more confused than ever... "Pinkie I don't think I'm high enough to deal with this yet. My everything hurts, from my vagina all the way to this logarithmic pineal/phallic symbol protruding from my head. Can we just go home?"
"Noooo silllly." Pinkie looked a little sly and smirked as she slipped her silky tongue into Twilight's mouth with a delicate kiss, then shoved her into the volcano.
Twilight screamed.
"Don't worry!" Pinkie shouted, "It won't hurt too bad cause we're inside a simulation inside another simulation, inside of another giant simulation right now. You'll break free from all the layers if you just help Gould get the stick out of his ass and get him and some CEPH to break down their sexual tension and fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu-"!!!!
But Twilight never heard the last phoneme, the last "ck!" of that pink pony screaming "fuck"...
Because now, as she lay dazed, scared, and confused underneath a sexy and heroic looking black man fighting what appeared to be some kind of red and black beings way scarier than mere edgy OCs...
...TWILIGHT SPARKLE WAS IN CRYSIS 2!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
To be continued..... ~
