When I Look at the Stars at Night

by PeryFire

Rating: teen
Tags: Suicide / Self Harm, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad
Length: 1199

Applejack reflects on the life of Twilight Sparkle.

After Applejack and her friends suffer deep emotional wounds, she takes a moment to look at the stars and reflect.

Published 2018-02-20 04:30:07 UTC
Last updated 2018-02-20 04:30:07 UTC

I'll Think of You

I couldn't sleep. The thoughts buzzing in my head were too loud to ignore tonight. I've come out to this place many a time when I was younger, wracked with insomnia, unable to vanquish the thoughts that plagued me. The orchard at night is the perfect place to clear my head. The air is cool and still, and smells like grass, and trees, and apples. It's so silent, that sometimes I think that I can hear the twinkling of the stars above me. The stars.

I lay on my back between the two graves. A spot I've retreated to more times than anyone else knows about. Whenever I'm sad, frustrated, down on my luck, or whenever the emptiness that comes with missing them is too much, I come here. Just to be close to them.

Right now I wish I could be close to you, Twi. But you're all the way in Canterlot. I wish that you could have stayed here, in Ponyville, so you'd be near us. We all miss you. None of us have gotten over you. Probably never will. I wish you'd come back.

Pinkie Pie's been smiling again. Ponies are thinking that she's getting her energy back, that she's recovering. But I know she isn't feeling any better. She's just trying to make other ponies feel better. She blames herself for what happened to you, Twi. She keeps telling me that if she knew, she would have put all she had into making you laugh and smile. But she didn't know. None of us did. Some friends we are.

The sky is so clear tonight. I can see more stars than I ever remember being able to see with my bare eyes. I can see those really faint ones that you used to show me with your telescope. They're really dim, but I can see them if I look really closely, and really pay attention to them. Maybe I should have paid more attention to you.

Spike's been in pretty rough shape. I think he's taken it the hardest, by far, even though he doesn't really understand it. Fluttershy is taking care of him right now. I think that taking care of someone is helping her cope. Helps her keep her mind off her own grief. Me and Pinkie have been taking turns baking for them. We don't have to, half the town has been sending all of us casseroles and sweets and flowers to help us along. But I guess Pinkie and I bring Fluttershy and Spike food for the same reason Fluttershy insisted on taking care of Spike. Helping other ponies keeps our minds off out own hurting.

I noticed something, looking at the stars. I was looking for all those constellations you tried to teach me about. I've always had problems actually finding any of them in the sky. There's just too many stars up there. I was looking for the yak, because it was always the easiest for me to find, but my eyes were just drawn to a bunch of other stars. They're vaguely shaped like your cutie mark. It's no perfect picture by any stretch of the imagination, but it's just enough to remind me of you. I hope I can look up at the stars and always find this constellation.

I've barely seen Dash since the funeral. She stops by every now and then, but I think she spends most of her time kicking clouds. She acts tough, but I know she's really hurting. She was really angry at you once she found out. She called you a coward, and she thought you didn't love your friends enough to give our feelings any thought before you did what you did. But she came to me the next day feeling pretty poorly about all of that. She's really just mad at herself for not being able to help you. We all know it ain't your fault.

Rarity hasn't stopped crying, but she's doing surprisingly well. She's been designing a new line of dresses. They're extra special, and she's making them with extra thought and care, because they're dedicated to you, and inspired by your favourite things. Don't know how she draws or makes dresses through all the tears, but I guess she's able to find a way. She made the dress you were buried in. I might not be the most fashion-savvy pony, but I'm pretty sure it was the most beautiful thing ever made. Don't think Rarity slept a wink that week before the funeral. You know how she is. She had to make sure it was absolutely perfect. And it was.

It was a good funeral. All of Ponyville was there, a large chunk of Canterlot, all the castle staff. And the Princesses, of course. It was a really long service, but nobody minded. Lots of ponies had speeches, or stories, or something to say. Princess Celestia had us all, and herself, in tears with her eulogy. Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, Shining Armour, your parents, and all of us had our own speeches too. Spike wrote what he wanted to say and gave it to me to read. He told me he wouldn't be able to say what he had to say because he'd cry to hard. I barely made it through without turning into a sobbing mess myself. After the speeches, it was open mic. Anypony who wanted to say anything could. There were hundreds of ponies who had something to say about you. Good things, all of them. You were well loved, Twi. I wish we were able to show that to you sooner.

Why'd you do it, Twi? If you were hurting, why didn't you tell us? We could have helped you. We loved you so much. We still love you so much. Was it something we did? Did we make you afraid to talk to us? I just wish I knew the signs. I wish I saw it coming. I wish I could have stopped it. I'd do anything to have you back here with us, Twilight. I'm sorry that we didn't pay more attention. I'm sorry that we never saw it coming. That we didn't do anything while we still had the chance. Everypony tells us it wasn't my fault, that there was nothing I could have done. But I think that they're wrong. I could have saved you if I had only caught on sooner.

I think it's my fault. I'll blame myself for a long time, if not forever. But the sparkle of the stars and the calm cool air is starting to take those feelings away, just a little. Maybe I'm just trying to make myself feel better, but looking at that shape in the stars, I feel like you would forgive me. That you love me. And maybe that's all I'll need to keep myself going.

I won't ever forget you, Twi. When I look at the stars at night, I'll think of you.

Author's Note

Just a random oneshot I thought of and felt like writing. More of an exercise than anything else, so sorry if it's not that good.