A World Devoid of Colorby KajChapters#a3a3a3#7c5a51#cc9cdf#a3a3a3Ding Open my mouth. “Hello, how can I help you?” Every single day, the same routine. Force the words. “Oh, yes, that’s near the back of the third row, bottom shelf.” Wake up. Force the smile. “Did you find it? Great! Let me ring that up for you!” Work. Try and scrape up what’s left inside me. “That’ll cost 4 bits, please! Thank you, come again!” Go home. Ding Sleep. I feel my fake smile drop. It’s tiring. Every day, like the same pages of black and white fluttering past my vision, over and over and over. The funniest thing is that I used to love reading. When was the last time I read something? There was this one book series that I enjoyed. “RC! Hey, Equestria to Ms. Rainy Chaser!” ...Rain Chaser? Oh, right, that was me. I was Rain Chaser. Not Rainbow Dash. She never existed. The only pony I’ve been is Rain Chaser. I turn to the source of the voice and see Mocha leaning in close to me, an unreadable emotion plastered on her face. “As I just said, we’re closing up shop. If you could lock up the back, I’ll put everything away, and we can head home for the night. Sound good?” I nod, and force myself out of the seat I was buried in. After turning my head and hearing a satisfying crack from my neck, I take a short glance around the shop. The entirety of the shop was of a light brown, all of the wood forming the walls and the floor and the shelves unaffected by paint or rot, with only the items lining the shelves giving the room any sort of flair or colour. ‘It’s a sight that anypony would fall asleep to’ is a common excuse I like using on Mocha. It usually doesn’t work. The keys jangling in my hooves, I pass through the lounge in the back room and over to the storeroom, hidden away from the sights of any passing customer. The door locks with a solid click, and I glance back through the lounge windows into the street. I see the reflection of my gray coat and pale mane. The sun was teetering on the edge of the horizon, its warm glow lighting up the quiet backroom and removing the chill that usually hung to my entire body. I couldn’t help but stretch my wings, all thoughts clearing from my head, imagining that I was flying through the open, blue sky. I didn’t deserve that blue sky. I didn’t deserve that freedom. My wings curled back up to my body, and all the warmth I felt vanished as the biting cold in my heart ate up all the heat around me. I didn’t deserve any of this. I was supposed to be loyal, somepony to look up to. I was supposed to be a supporting pillar to my friends. But I wasn’t. I crumbled. I took the faith they had in me and trashed it. No… Who was it that did those things? It wasn’t me. It definitely wasn’t me. I wasn’t anypony special, with amazing friends. That wasn’t me. I was Rain Chaser. That was all I needed to know. Taking a deep breath to calm my pounding heart, my throat constricting as I attempted to control my ragged breaths, I placed hoof after hoof after hoof to get out of the lounge, to get out of the shop, to get back home and back into bed in the darkness of my room and into the Click “Took you long enough. You want to pick anything up at the market, RC? Today’s Friday, meaning it’s ice cream night~!” She drops my saddle bag over my shoulder, giving me a grin as she points in the direction of the market. I shook my head. Eating cold things made me sick and hurt my heart more. I didn’t like them. Mocha sighed before shrugging and heading the direction of the market anyways. “Sulk all you want, but I still have to get my ice cream. No way I’m skipping ice cream night. For no stallion or mare!” She gave a short, maniac laugh before trotting off. No point in following her. She’s much too fast for me. And I wasn’t fast. I couldn’t even compare to any other pegasus. I just… I turn and head the opposite direction of my coworker. Focus on getting home, getting into bed, and going to sleep. That’s my only goal. Just like every evening. The buildings become a gray blur in my peripherals. Passing ponies become short blinks of white or black. Just focus on getting home. These ponies have important things to do. I’m not important. I just have to get home and everything will be fine. And I’m home. I don’t know how long I took. Which path did I take? How fast did I walk? The moon was beginning to rise into the starry sky, so I must’ve taken a while. No, that’s not important. Pulling the front door key to my apartment from my bag, I unlock the door and step into the darkened space, barely illuminated by the dim moon outside. I drop my bag and keys on the coffee table close to the door before immediately heading towards my bedroom. No point in turning on the lights, I already knew the path to my bed to heart, and the bright lights hurt my eyes whenever they were on. I entered my sole place of comfort, and crawl under the covers where there was no light, no sound. Just the soft feeling of the mattress beneath me and the sheets surrounding me. No worries, no thoughts. No need to be happy or sad, no need to be anypony. All there was was the comfort to lull me into the realm of dreams. “Hey, Rainbow, what’s up?” I glance back at the noise and see a purple pony walking towards me, a small grin on her face. This was...this was Twilight. Why was she here? Where was here? Finding no answers, I simply shrug in response. Her grin grew a small amount. “I thought so. Not much you do besides work and laze around, am I right? That’s so you.” A giggle escapes her lips. Why was she here? I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t have anything to say to her. “Work and sleep, work and sleep, work and sleep, that’s all you do anymore, Rainbow. It’s not even the winter season and yet you’re working so much. Why are you working so much? You don’t even hang with us anymore.” A chill rode up my spine as I slowly turned to face Twilight. Her smirk grew a small amount. “Where have you been, Rainbow? Weren’t we your friends?” Yes, you were, you are, I wanted to shout, but no words came out of my mouth. Everything I wanted to say, that I wanted to scream, all caught in the back of my throat by a feeling...no, a force that was surrounding me, that felt like it was eating me alive. I could only stare as the purple mare drew closer, her grin growing as she prattled on. “You just left us all alone, Rainbow,” shut up “Right after hurting us too! Don’t you feel bad for that?” shut up “We all showed you so much kindness,” shut up shut up “And we all go along so well!” shut up shut up shut up “Why did you have to ruin that, Dashie?” shutupshutupshutupshutup Her face was nearly touching mine. Her grin stretched from Ear To Ear “You’re an awful friend” SHUT UP SHUT UP SH Gasping, I wake up to the sound of my own sobbing and feel my body trembling under the darkness of my sheets. I give a few choked sobs, the feeling of words being stuck in the back of my throat still lingering, before slowly getting my breathing to a calm, steady pace. In...and out. In and out. In and out. I rub my hooves against my eyes, rubbing the tears trailing down my face, and pull the sheet closer in an attempt to control my trembling, to steady my shaking heart. My heart hurt. I didn’t want to believe a word that mare said. But it was true. It had to be true. “Are you alright, Rainy?” I only pull the sheets closer as I curl into the ball. I didn’t want Mocha to see me this way. I didn’t want anypony to see me this way. I just wanted to be alone. I deserve this. I felt mattress bounce a little before a warm embrace pulled me in from behind, causing the sheet covering me to fall off, and the morning sunlight to blind me. I felt Mocha rest her head on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Rainy. It’s alright. You’re awake. You’re here. No more nightmares.” She spoke softly into my ear. She continued whispering affirmations into my ear as she held me close, and I felt the fear and sadness slowly melt away, my breathing and heartbeat now steady. I started whispering apologies to her, but she shushed me and shook her head. “You don’t have anything to apologize to me for. I’m only here to help. I want to help you. That’s what friends do, right?” The tears threatened to fall again. I didn’t deserve this. But I loved every time she said that we were friends. I hated it that I loved it. Much too soon, she let go of me and stepped off my bed, leaving me sitting alone, the sunlight on my back. “I’m making some toast and hay this morning, m’kay? Come to the kitchen when you’re ready.” She left the room, leaving me to my own thoughts. Not wanting to get consumed by my worries, I rolled myself out of my bed and stepped out of my room. I quickly glanced in Mocha’s, and saw photos of all sorts lying on her floor, walls, and bed, as well as her camera lying on her desk. I shut the door and went to seat myself for the meal Mocha had made. Mocha bounded out of the kitchen within a few moments, holding a plate of the breakfast she mentioned in the mouth. She gently placed it on the table in front of me. “Hope you enjoy, it’s made with bread, hay, and lots of love!” She giggled before returning to the kitchen. I couldn’t help but let a small smile through. I whispered a ‘thank you’ before downing the food in front of me. Mocha came back with her own plate of food and seated herself on the opposite side of the table beaming. We eat in silence, only the clanging of our utensils and the sounds of our eating filling out the silence of the space. Finishing my meal, I recline back and bask in the glow of having a filled stomach. Mocha lets out a short chortle, “I’m glad you enjoyed it, Rainy.” She rests her head on her hooves. “So, I’m thinking that we go somewhere next weekend. Get out of town, see someplace new, take some time to enjoy ourselves. I’m thinking that’s something you desperately need. No need to worry about work, or our blank flanks, or any garbage like that. Sound good?” I shook my head. I didn’t want to break the routine. I didn’t want to cause any more problems. Mocha sighed and reach over to put her hooves on mine. “You can’t stay in your bed every weekend, you know.” I sighed and tightened my grip on her hooves. “I...I know. But…” I barely whispered the words out, but Mocha nodded and gave me a comforting smile. “Step by step, Rainy. We got you out of your room, we got you into the shop, and now we have to take the next step, alright? Out of Manehatten.” She let go of my hooves for a moment, only to circle around the table and pull me into a hug. “So, where do you want to go? Fillydelphia? Los Pegasus?” She giggled. “Maybe one of those country towns, like Appleoosa or Ponyville?” Time stopped. Not there. I already ruined things there once. I don’t want to ruin things aga— “I haven’t ever been to Ponyville before, I want to visit there at least once. The Elements of Harmony live there too, I’d love to visit them all!” Mocha’s giggling becomes barks of excitement. I couldn’t bring myself to disagree with her. Despite the increasing heaviness in my chest, the sweat forming on my brow, and the shaking of my knees, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘Let’s go somewhere else’. The look on her face wasn’t something I wanted to take away from her. And...I wanted to see them again. At least one last time. Maybe say sorry. Maybe beg their forgiveness. Maybe watch them from afar, and see how they’re doing without m...without m-me. I wanted to go for a day without the chill eating away at my heart. I forced a minuscule smile on my face and looked back at Mocha. “S-sure. Sounds like fun.” The brown mare squeals with glee and nearly crushes me in a vice-like hug. “You actually gave me an answer! Oh, my little Rainy is changing for the better!” She lets go of me and grabs her bag before opening our front door. “I’m going to go get the tickets now! I’ll be back soon, I hope you’re as excited as I am!” The door slams behind her, leaving me alone at the kitchen table. Excited? I guess that was half of what I felt. The other half was fear. #7c5a51“Hey, Rainy, you all done?” Letting my mind settle back into reality, I turn to Mocha and nod, quickly shuffling over to the closet and putting the broom and dustpan away. The broom fell over, letting out a resounding thunk as it hit the ground. I quickly righted it and shut the door behind me. Mocha let out a sigh of relief and gave me a small smile. “Great, looks like we finished cleaning up,” she stretched out, her back arched and her rump in the air, “and it’s fiiiiiiiiiinally the weekend.” She yawned, her back letting out a loud crack as she pulled herself straight, turning towards me. “I’m so excited that we’re going to finally visit Ponyville and get out of this dreary place for once. What about you?” I give her a vague nod, hoping that she’d assume I shared her sentiment. But it was a lie. Honestly, I was just as scared as I was a week ago, perhaps even more so. Every day it crept closer, the bitter memories of the past threatened to pull me into the darkness I barely managed to escape from. The disgusting pot of all my worst feelings, my sickest days, of every string of sanity that unraveled in front of me. I hated feeling like this. I hated, hated, hated it. I should be happy and excited to see my friends again. I should walk right into town, a smile on my face, and see how they’re doing! I’ll look them in the eyes and ask them how they’re doing with each other! I’ll ask them their feelings towards Rainbow Dash and if they’re happy that she’s gone, and how they’re doing so much better without her! How she was the worst worst worst friend they ever had and I’ll smile and agree with them and— “Shhh, it’s going to go well. Nothing bad will happen.” My thoughts dissipate into nothing as I feel Mocha pull me into a hug, petting my head. We sit there, and I can’t help but start crying. I’m sorry, Mocha. That you have to put up with somepony like me. A total mess. A crybaby. A weakling. How can you still speak to me so softly and hold me so tight every time I lose myself? What cruel creature lead you to me and made you such a blinding light in my life? “I’m sorry.” Mocha said nothing in response, simply letting my tears soak into her fur as the sun slowly dipped behind the buildings, leaving the shop dark and cold. After however long, Mocha released me from her hold and gave me a smile. “Alright, let’s go home.” She draped my leg over her back and helped me hobble home, countering and balancing my weak and scattered steps as the street was plunged into a deep darkness, the moon dim and only the small ball of luminescence that Mocha cast lighting the way. We eventually get home, and I’m managing to walk on my own four hooves at this point. I heard the click of the locking door behind me before I feel myself collapse onto my bed and black out into a pleasant, dreamless sleep. “Rainy, let’s go. Wake up, we need to go!” I awaken with a start, Mocha shaking me violently. I nearly fall off my bed in surprise, but catch myself and sit up. I cough—my throat straining to produce words—and attempt to ask what was going on, but she cut me off before I could say anything. “We’re going to be LATE, Rainy! The train is leaving in 20 minutes!” Oops. Adrenaline shooting through my body, I roll off my bed, land on all fours, and slip on my saddle bags as quickly as I can before shooting out the room after Mocha. Dashing down the hall, Mocha throws open the door, glancing back at me to make sure I was following, and grabs her bags with her magic before hopping out the door. I exit right after her, and she barely takes a second to slam the door closed and lock it before we rush through the hallway and down the stairs with only our destination in mind. With every step that pounds into the ground, I feel a bolt of energy course through my veins, clearing my head of all thoughts except: Go. Go. Go. For a moment, I was back in the sky, rushing past all the clouds, the wind blowing through my mane and the sun beating on my back. I barely noticed my wings begin to extend as I pushed myself to go faster, and then faster, and then faster, until I was barrelling down the streets, all the buildings and ponies I passed barely registering as a blur in my line of sight. It wasn’t the slow, sickening blur of tiredness and confusion that I usually felt. This was the blur of speed, of flight, of freedom from any limitations that could ever keep me down. For a moment, I felt happy. I skidded to a stop, nearly crashing straight into the railing of the train station. Still able to hear every hard pump of my heart, I turn and look back to the direction I came from. Mocha was just rounding the corner nearly two blocks away, slowing from a mild trot to just barely dragging her hooves as she drew closer. Stepping next to me on the train platform, she collapsed onto her knees, letting all of her luggage drop as her magic cut out, and taking several deep breaths before speaking. “Rainy...I huff didn’t expect you to...haaaaa...to be such a runner. I mean, I...hooooo colt...don’t think I’ve ever seen you run before.” She takes a deep breath, before letting out a slow exhale, and leaning onto one of her suitcases. “Oh, that smarts. I...I need to work out more.” ...She’s right. When was the last time I ran around like that? ...I think it was, um...how many months ago? I was running home as fast as I could. I was really upset over something. I was running, running, running, c-crying. Wasn’t it after --- yelled at me to never talk to her again? ...? Why can’t I remember who it was? Why is there just a blank space? Okay, what happened that day? I was chasing after her. She was running, running away from me. Why was that? She was angry about something. Was it because of me? What did I do? For her to run away, I must’ve done something bad. Was it the thing I did that made me leave? Wait, why did I even leave? “Train’s here.” The train rolls into the station, and we hand in our tickets to the booth before entering our carriage. We place our bags on the overheads, and Mocha reclines back in her seat. What was I thinking about? “Honestly, Rainy, I love trains. The low rumble of the wheels pumping on and on, the slight shake of the train to and fro, the miles of beautiful sights. I personally find it extremely relaxing.” She lets out a short bark of laughter. “Hey, maybe my cutie mark is something to do with trains! Wouldn’t that be a hoot?” I nod. After what feels like an eternity, I speak up. “My mind has been going a million miles an hour. It scares me.” Mocha looked at me with mild surprise. I guess that’s expected, I don’t really talk too much, never mind above a whisper. A smile forms on her lips. “Maybe thinking about the trip to Ponyville really put your brain to work. But you’ve always been slow one week, and running yourself in circles the next. As I’ve said before, don’t worry about it too much. You’ll feel better soon enough.” I guess she’s right. She knows me pretty well. Probably better than I know myself. But I feel awful right now. I got up out of my seat, Mocha sparing me a quick glance before returning her gaze to the window. Heading down the hall, I saw the bathroom at the end of the carriage. Quickening my pace, I slipped into the small room and shut the door behind me. I look around the compartment: a sink on the right side with a mirror above it and a privy sitting at the other end. I turned to the mirror and gave myself a good look at myself. I looked different. Nopony would be able to tell that I was anypony else. They’d only know Rain Chaser. I was Rain Chaser. Two lengths of hair running past my shoulders and hair swept just beside my eyes? Check. My coltish, windswept hair non-existent due to my current style? Check. All color removed from my mane and fur? Check. It’s fine, Rainy. It’s going to be alright. You’re just a tourist visiting. Mocha will cover for you. Just enjoy it as much as you can. ...Enjoy this trip? How can I enjoy a trip like this? I unlock the bathroom door and step back into the train carriage, the floor rumbling under me as the train continued to chug along towards its destination: Ponyville. I returned to my seat next to Mocha and slumped into it, glancing out the window at the passing scenery. No matter what I tried, or what I said to myself, the paranoia in me kept rising. Maybe I should take the first train back. Maybe I should hide out in the Everfree the whole week. I just...I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to see that look in their eyes again. I don’t want to feel the burning in my heart every time I see them glare at each other, or ignore each other, or argue with each other whenever they pass each other on the street. I can’t handle it. I feel myself enter a warm embrace, the two hooves wrapped around me tight, but a comforting tight. I close my eyes, allowing myself to be taken by the sensation. Mocha’s head rests on my shoulder. “Hey, Rainy, it’s going to be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen, alright? We’re at a new place where nopony knows us. You don’t need to be afraid of them.” ...a new place? Yeah, this is a new place. I’ve never been here before. Rain Chaser hasn’t been to Ponyville before. She doesn’t know the Elements of Harmony. She doesn’t know anything has happened. She’s just going to quietly enjoy the countryside. No worries. No panic. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. I feel my breathing slow down and my body become still. It’ll be fine. I can feel Mocha’s cheeks beginning to crease. “That’s the spirit. I’ll be with you the whole way, m’kay?” It’ll be fine. Mocha will take care of me. I’m here to enjoy this. It’ll be fine. The two of us sit in silence as the train quietly treks on towards my destination. The trance I was in shatters as the train whistle blows, announcing that we’d reached our destination. Quickly untangling from each other, Mocha and I grab our overhead bags and move down the aisle and out of the train. Before me was Ponyville. #cc9cdfI stop and stare; this is the place I thought I’d never see again. From the station, I can see straight through the town. I can hear the chatter of the ponies from the square and the market, I can smell the trees and grass riding on the wind from the apple orchards, and even the sweet smell of cooking from Sugarcube Corner. This was it. The place I’ve known and loved. The place I was deathly afraid of. Mocha looks back at me, her eyes filled with glee. She grabs my hoof and starts pulling me out of the station and down the street, her demeanor screaming ‘Let’s go and explore!’ Finding no reason to argue, I simply let myself be dragged along for the ride. She stops by a strawberry stall near the market’s entrance and starts some small talk with the stand owner. The mare has a mane of various shades of raspberry and a pale yellow coat. ...Was she new here? Mocha finishes up her conversation, and with a small basket of strawberries in her magic, says her goodbyes before moving on to another stall. I try to stop her, but somepony else interrupts me before I can even grab her tail. “Oh, I haven’t seen you two around here before! Welcome to Ponyville!” I feel my stomach drop, worse than when I was hurtling down to the ground after a wing cramp, worse than after the Wonderbolts rejected me. The fact that my four hooves were on the ground made the feeling all the more real. I couldn’t place her voice, but I knew. I knew that voice was not a good voice. It was the voice that haunted and terrorized my dreams. I want to fly away. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want her to see my shame, how far I’ve fallen. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, but feel free to call me Twilight. May I ask who you two are?” I need to leave, I’m not ready for this, I want to go home, I want to— “It’s lovely to meet you, Twilight! I’m Mocha, and this is my friend, Rainy.” She pulls me close, bringing my line of sight directly to Twilight. My panic subsided, replaced by pure fear. I didn’t know how to react. “She’s a little shy, so don’t let her silence worry you; she’s quite a kind pegasus.” She let go of me, and I did my best not to curl up into a ball and implode from all the pulling force I wanted to use. “It’s surprising to just talk to one of the princesses out of the blue! Uhm, no offense.” Twilight giggles. “I know, I just don’t like being treated like I’m some ‘big thing’. I’m a normal pony like everypony else.” Twilight begins to depart but takes a quick glance at our rears. “Oh, you two are still blank fl-” She stuffed her hoof in her mouth, a mix of shock and embarrassment on her face. She does a quick bow to the two of you, “I’m sososo sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m sorry if I offended you or-” Mocha laughs and waves it off. “No worries, it’s bound to be brought up one way or another. Rainy and I were just unlucky, I guess. But we’re doing fine, so it’s not too much of a loss in my opinion.” I simply shrug, going along with what she said. Twilight looked relieved. “Thank you, it’s just that I haven’t seen anything like this before.” A warm smile grows on her face. “Maybe you can come and talk to me later? I think I know a few ways I can help you two out!” Without waiting for a response, she turns away and jogs in the direction of the castle. Mocha lets out a breath I didn’t know she was holding. “Wow, who would’ve expected that meeting the princess would be so...casual? Scared me a bit, I’m used to royalty and the like being so high-strung.” Wait, the Wonderbolts rejected me? “Well, the ones I’ve seen on the news, at least. But the Princess of Friendship came to greet us and apologized to us for a mistake. I can’t wrap my head around it.” That can’t be right. I can’t fly very well. I groaned and clutched my forehead as a headache rushed over me. Everything faded into the background as I focused only on the beating of my heart and the rhythm of my breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Heavens, my head hurts so bad. I don’t even like the Wonderbolts. “You want to head to the inn first?” I lower my hooves and look up at Mocha, who’s staring at me with a worried look. I nod and drag myself after her, trying my best to ignore the burning in my forehead. “Sorry about that, I couldn’t help but want to look at all the stalls,” she glanced back at the luggage she was floating around, “but I guess it would be easier if this wasn’t in the way, right?” The trip to the inn barely registered to my pained and confused brain. What happened with the Wonderbolts? Why was I so afraid of Twilight? Why did I feel a hole growing in the back of my mind? All these questions suddenly cropping up, and I had answers to none of them. I fear the answers, but I can’t remember what they are. I’m afraid of my friends. My friends are...my friends are… Another shot of pain rang through my head, and I felt myself being carried onto a soft surface. “Rainy, do you need anything? Water? Painkillers?” I nodded. My head hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. I’m dimly aware of Mocha’s departure or return until she taps me on the shoulder and hands me a few tablets of aspirin. I take them dry, coughing a little as I feel the medicine run down my throat before grabbing the cup of water that Mocha placed onto the bedside table and downing it in two gulps. Collapsing onto my back, I place the cup on the table and try not to let tears form. Why was this so painful? Why was I so pathetic? Not even a day into the trip and I’m already ruining it. My face becomes wet for a moment, only for Mocha to wipe the tears off and crawl into the bed with me, pulling the blanket over us. “Shhh, you’ll feel better before you know it. We can rest here until then, m’kay?” She lets out a yawn. “The morning was a bit hectic anyways, I think we both deserve a little rest.” I close my eyes, plunging my vision into complete darkness. I saw nothing. The only things I heard was the beating of our hearts. Already the pain was subsiding, and What did I do to deserve you? “Rainbow, there’s no friendship meeting this week. Please leave.” I look up from staring down at my hooves. “Wait, why? I thought these meetings were important to you.” Twilight sighs and motions towards the table behind her. “It’s kind of difficult to have a friendship meeting without any friends.” I glance at the table, and the reality of the situation begins to set in. Nopony else was here. Only me and Twilight. I turn towards the alicorn, panic beginning to rise in me. “M-maybe they’re just late? They could come eventually!” Twilight shook her head. “They won’t. Rarity sent me a formal letter announcing her refusal to attend these meetings, and Pinkie flat out ignored the question when I brought it up. So, no, they’re not late. They’re not even coming.” “What about Fluttershy? She might come! She—” “Or maybe she won’t, Rainbow Dash! I wouldn’t be surprised if she finally got some assertiveness and ditched as well! And I wouldn’t blame her. I probably would do the same!” “She wouldn’t—” “She might have, Rainbow Dash. Maybe she would do that to an awful friend.” I’m unable to get another word out before she sends me flying out the door, and I’m able to catch myself before I get a face full of dirt. I turn to yell at Twilight what she was doing, but I’m only met with the slam of the castle doors, leaving me alone in the chilly evening. They all stopped coming. It really got to this point, huh. I want to go to each of them and ask them what their deal was, but I know exactly what it was. Me. This was all my fault. I was an awful friend. I mean, what friends causes this to happen to her friends? ...They’d probably be better off without me. Without me, none of this would’ve happened. But I had to open my big mouth. My body goes on autopilot towards my home, and I let myself be carried by it. I’ll grab my bags. I’ll hop on the train with a ticket to anywhere. That’ll get me out of their hair. Maybe I should just become somepony new. Maybe I’d learn how to be a better pony then, right? I stop myself and begin taking a detour. There was a favor I had to ask. My eyes snap open, the midday sun shining through the room’s window. I force myself not to jolt upright and look at my surroundings as I try and calm my beating heart. I’m still in the inn room. Mocha is still laying next to me, asleep. My headache is gone. And apparently, I was friends with Twilight. ...That’s a surprise. I feel more awake then I have been in...what feels like forever. Everything seems much louder, much brighter, so much more real then it was. It’s like a fog was lifted from all of my senses. The light coming in from the window was bright, but not blinding. The beating of Mocha’s heart gave a solid thump, no longer sounding like it was behind a wooden wall. The mattress below me... I could feel the spongy texture and my back resting on it, instead of feeling like I’d crawled into a comfy mush. Slipping myself out of Mocha’s grip, I roll out of the bed, stretching my legs and letting my wings unfurl. My heart felt as light as my hooves, and I wanted to take off running. I wanted to fly right over to Twilight’s stupid face and...and… What? I walk over to the bathroom, and give myself a good look in the mirror. It almost hurt to look at, just grey, grey, grey. This was me. This was Rain Chaser. Why did Rain Chaser exist? For me to become a better pony, right? This was my attempt...at becoming a better pony? The fog set back in. Why was the attempt such a failure?
#a3a3a3Ding Open my mouth. “Hello, how can I help you?” Every single day, the same routine. Force the words. “Oh, yes, that’s near the back of the third row, bottom shelf.” Wake up. Force the smile. “Did you find it? Great! Let me ring that up for you!” Work. Try and scrape up what’s left inside me. “That’ll cost 4 bits, please! Thank you, come again!” Go home. Ding Sleep. I feel my fake smile drop. It’s tiring. Every day, like the same pages of black and white fluttering past my vision, over and over and over. The funniest thing is that I used to love reading. When was the last time I read something? There was this one book series that I enjoyed. “RC! Hey, Equestria to Ms. Rainy Chaser!” ...Rain Chaser? Oh, right, that was me. I was Rain Chaser. Not Rainbow Dash. She never existed. The only pony I’ve been is Rain Chaser. I turn to the source of the voice and see Mocha leaning in close to me, an unreadable emotion plastered on her face. “As I just said, we’re closing up shop. If you could lock up the back, I’ll put everything away, and we can head home for the night. Sound good?” I nod, and force myself out of the seat I was buried in. After turning my head and hearing a satisfying crack from my neck, I take a short glance around the shop. The entirety of the shop was of a light brown, all of the wood forming the walls and the floor and the shelves unaffected by paint or rot, with only the items lining the shelves giving the room any sort of flair or colour. ‘It’s a sight that anypony would fall asleep to’ is a common excuse I like using on Mocha. It usually doesn’t work. The keys jangling in my hooves, I pass through the lounge in the back room and over to the storeroom, hidden away from the sights of any passing customer. The door locks with a solid click, and I glance back through the lounge windows into the street. I see the reflection of my gray coat and pale mane. The sun was teetering on the edge of the horizon, its warm glow lighting up the quiet backroom and removing the chill that usually hung to my entire body. I couldn’t help but stretch my wings, all thoughts clearing from my head, imagining that I was flying through the open, blue sky. I didn’t deserve that blue sky. I didn’t deserve that freedom. My wings curled back up to my body, and all the warmth I felt vanished as the biting cold in my heart ate up all the heat around me. I didn’t deserve any of this. I was supposed to be loyal, somepony to look up to. I was supposed to be a supporting pillar to my friends. But I wasn’t. I crumbled. I took the faith they had in me and trashed it. No… Who was it that did those things? It wasn’t me. It definitely wasn’t me. I wasn’t anypony special, with amazing friends. That wasn’t me. I was Rain Chaser. That was all I needed to know. Taking a deep breath to calm my pounding heart, my throat constricting as I attempted to control my ragged breaths, I placed hoof after hoof after hoof to get out of the lounge, to get out of the shop, to get back home and back into bed in the darkness of my room and into the Click “Took you long enough. You want to pick anything up at the market, RC? Today’s Friday, meaning it’s ice cream night~!” She drops my saddle bag over my shoulder, giving me a grin as she points in the direction of the market. I shook my head. Eating cold things made me sick and hurt my heart more. I didn’t like them. Mocha sighed before shrugging and heading the direction of the market anyways. “Sulk all you want, but I still have to get my ice cream. No way I’m skipping ice cream night. For no stallion or mare!” She gave a short, maniac laugh before trotting off. No point in following her. She’s much too fast for me. And I wasn’t fast. I couldn’t even compare to any other pegasus. I just… I turn and head the opposite direction of my coworker. Focus on getting home, getting into bed, and going to sleep. That’s my only goal. Just like every evening. The buildings become a gray blur in my peripherals. Passing ponies become short blinks of white or black. Just focus on getting home. These ponies have important things to do. I’m not important. I just have to get home and everything will be fine. And I’m home. I don’t know how long I took. Which path did I take? How fast did I walk? The moon was beginning to rise into the starry sky, so I must’ve taken a while. No, that’s not important. Pulling the front door key to my apartment from my bag, I unlock the door and step into the darkened space, barely illuminated by the dim moon outside. I drop my bag and keys on the coffee table close to the door before immediately heading towards my bedroom. No point in turning on the lights, I already knew the path to my bed to heart, and the bright lights hurt my eyes whenever they were on. I entered my sole place of comfort, and crawl under the covers where there was no light, no sound. Just the soft feeling of the mattress beneath me and the sheets surrounding me. No worries, no thoughts. No need to be happy or sad, no need to be anypony. All there was was the comfort to lull me into the realm of dreams. “Hey, Rainbow, what’s up?” I glance back at the noise and see a purple pony walking towards me, a small grin on her face. This was...this was Twilight. Why was she here? Where was here? Finding no answers, I simply shrug in response. Her grin grew a small amount. “I thought so. Not much you do besides work and laze around, am I right? That’s so you.” A giggle escapes her lips. Why was she here? I was tired. I wanted to sleep. I didn’t have anything to say to her. “Work and sleep, work and sleep, work and sleep, that’s all you do anymore, Rainbow. It’s not even the winter season and yet you’re working so much. Why are you working so much? You don’t even hang with us anymore.” A chill rode up my spine as I slowly turned to face Twilight. Her smirk grew a small amount. “Where have you been, Rainbow? Weren’t we your friends?” Yes, you were, you are, I wanted to shout, but no words came out of my mouth. Everything I wanted to say, that I wanted to scream, all caught in the back of my throat by a feeling...no, a force that was surrounding me, that felt like it was eating me alive. I could only stare as the purple mare drew closer, her grin growing as she prattled on. “You just left us all alone, Rainbow,” shut up “Right after hurting us too! Don’t you feel bad for that?” shut up “We all showed you so much kindness,” shut up shut up “And we all go along so well!” shut up shut up shut up “Why did you have to ruin that, Dashie?” shutupshutupshutupshutup Her face was nearly touching mine. Her grin stretched from Ear To Ear “You’re an awful friend” SHUT UP SHUT UP SH Gasping, I wake up to the sound of my own sobbing and feel my body trembling under the darkness of my sheets. I give a few choked sobs, the feeling of words being stuck in the back of my throat still lingering, before slowly getting my breathing to a calm, steady pace. In...and out. In and out. In and out. I rub my hooves against my eyes, rubbing the tears trailing down my face, and pull the sheet closer in an attempt to control my trembling, to steady my shaking heart. My heart hurt. I didn’t want to believe a word that mare said. But it was true. It had to be true. “Are you alright, Rainy?” I only pull the sheets closer as I curl into the ball. I didn’t want Mocha to see me this way. I didn’t want anypony to see me this way. I just wanted to be alone. I deserve this. I felt mattress bounce a little before a warm embrace pulled me in from behind, causing the sheet covering me to fall off, and the morning sunlight to blind me. I felt Mocha rest her head on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, Rainy. It’s alright. You’re awake. You’re here. No more nightmares.” She spoke softly into my ear. She continued whispering affirmations into my ear as she held me close, and I felt the fear and sadness slowly melt away, my breathing and heartbeat now steady. I started whispering apologies to her, but she shushed me and shook her head. “You don’t have anything to apologize to me for. I’m only here to help. I want to help you. That’s what friends do, right?” The tears threatened to fall again. I didn’t deserve this. But I loved every time she said that we were friends. I hated it that I loved it. Much too soon, she let go of me and stepped off my bed, leaving me sitting alone, the sunlight on my back. “I’m making some toast and hay this morning, m’kay? Come to the kitchen when you’re ready.” She left the room, leaving me to my own thoughts. Not wanting to get consumed by my worries, I rolled myself out of my bed and stepped out of my room. I quickly glanced in Mocha’s, and saw photos of all sorts lying on her floor, walls, and bed, as well as her camera lying on her desk. I shut the door and went to seat myself for the meal Mocha had made. Mocha bounded out of the kitchen within a few moments, holding a plate of the breakfast she mentioned in the mouth. She gently placed it on the table in front of me. “Hope you enjoy, it’s made with bread, hay, and lots of love!” She giggled before returning to the kitchen. I couldn’t help but let a small smile through. I whispered a ‘thank you’ before downing the food in front of me. Mocha came back with her own plate of food and seated herself on the opposite side of the table beaming. We eat in silence, only the clanging of our utensils and the sounds of our eating filling out the silence of the space. Finishing my meal, I recline back and bask in the glow of having a filled stomach. Mocha lets out a short chortle, “I’m glad you enjoyed it, Rainy.” She rests her head on her hooves. “So, I’m thinking that we go somewhere next weekend. Get out of town, see someplace new, take some time to enjoy ourselves. I’m thinking that’s something you desperately need. No need to worry about work, or our blank flanks, or any garbage like that. Sound good?” I shook my head. I didn’t want to break the routine. I didn’t want to cause any more problems. Mocha sighed and reach over to put her hooves on mine. “You can’t stay in your bed every weekend, you know.” I sighed and tightened my grip on her hooves. “I...I know. But…” I barely whispered the words out, but Mocha nodded and gave me a comforting smile. “Step by step, Rainy. We got you out of your room, we got you into the shop, and now we have to take the next step, alright? Out of Manehatten.” She let go of my hooves for a moment, only to circle around the table and pull me into a hug. “So, where do you want to go? Fillydelphia? Los Pegasus?” She giggled. “Maybe one of those country towns, like Appleoosa or Ponyville?” Time stopped. Not there. I already ruined things there once. I don’t want to ruin things aga— “I haven’t ever been to Ponyville before, I want to visit there at least once. The Elements of Harmony live there too, I’d love to visit them all!” Mocha’s giggling becomes barks of excitement. I couldn’t bring myself to disagree with her. Despite the increasing heaviness in my chest, the sweat forming on my brow, and the shaking of my knees, I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘Let’s go somewhere else’. The look on her face wasn’t something I wanted to take away from her. And...I wanted to see them again. At least one last time. Maybe say sorry. Maybe beg their forgiveness. Maybe watch them from afar, and see how they’re doing without m...without m-me. I wanted to go for a day without the chill eating away at my heart. I forced a minuscule smile on my face and looked back at Mocha. “S-sure. Sounds like fun.” The brown mare squeals with glee and nearly crushes me in a vice-like hug. “You actually gave me an answer! Oh, my little Rainy is changing for the better!” She lets go of me and grabs her bag before opening our front door. “I’m going to go get the tickets now! I’ll be back soon, I hope you’re as excited as I am!” The door slams behind her, leaving me alone at the kitchen table. Excited? I guess that was half of what I felt. The other half was fear.
#7c5a51“Hey, Rainy, you all done?” Letting my mind settle back into reality, I turn to Mocha and nod, quickly shuffling over to the closet and putting the broom and dustpan away. The broom fell over, letting out a resounding thunk as it hit the ground. I quickly righted it and shut the door behind me. Mocha let out a sigh of relief and gave me a small smile. “Great, looks like we finished cleaning up,” she stretched out, her back arched and her rump in the air, “and it’s fiiiiiiiiiinally the weekend.” She yawned, her back letting out a loud crack as she pulled herself straight, turning towards me. “I’m so excited that we’re going to finally visit Ponyville and get out of this dreary place for once. What about you?” I give her a vague nod, hoping that she’d assume I shared her sentiment. But it was a lie. Honestly, I was just as scared as I was a week ago, perhaps even more so. Every day it crept closer, the bitter memories of the past threatened to pull me into the darkness I barely managed to escape from. The disgusting pot of all my worst feelings, my sickest days, of every string of sanity that unraveled in front of me. I hated feeling like this. I hated, hated, hated it. I should be happy and excited to see my friends again. I should walk right into town, a smile on my face, and see how they’re doing! I’ll look them in the eyes and ask them how they’re doing with each other! I’ll ask them their feelings towards Rainbow Dash and if they’re happy that she’s gone, and how they’re doing so much better without her! How she was the worst worst worst friend they ever had and I’ll smile and agree with them and— “Shhh, it’s going to go well. Nothing bad will happen.” My thoughts dissipate into nothing as I feel Mocha pull me into a hug, petting my head. We sit there, and I can’t help but start crying. I’m sorry, Mocha. That you have to put up with somepony like me. A total mess. A crybaby. A weakling. How can you still speak to me so softly and hold me so tight every time I lose myself? What cruel creature lead you to me and made you such a blinding light in my life? “I’m sorry.” Mocha said nothing in response, simply letting my tears soak into her fur as the sun slowly dipped behind the buildings, leaving the shop dark and cold. After however long, Mocha released me from her hold and gave me a smile. “Alright, let’s go home.” She draped my leg over her back and helped me hobble home, countering and balancing my weak and scattered steps as the street was plunged into a deep darkness, the moon dim and only the small ball of luminescence that Mocha cast lighting the way. We eventually get home, and I’m managing to walk on my own four hooves at this point. I heard the click of the locking door behind me before I feel myself collapse onto my bed and black out into a pleasant, dreamless sleep. “Rainy, let’s go. Wake up, we need to go!” I awaken with a start, Mocha shaking me violently. I nearly fall off my bed in surprise, but catch myself and sit up. I cough—my throat straining to produce words—and attempt to ask what was going on, but she cut me off before I could say anything. “We’re going to be LATE, Rainy! The train is leaving in 20 minutes!” Oops. Adrenaline shooting through my body, I roll off my bed, land on all fours, and slip on my saddle bags as quickly as I can before shooting out the room after Mocha. Dashing down the hall, Mocha throws open the door, glancing back at me to make sure I was following, and grabs her bags with her magic before hopping out the door. I exit right after her, and she barely takes a second to slam the door closed and lock it before we rush through the hallway and down the stairs with only our destination in mind. With every step that pounds into the ground, I feel a bolt of energy course through my veins, clearing my head of all thoughts except: Go. Go. Go. For a moment, I was back in the sky, rushing past all the clouds, the wind blowing through my mane and the sun beating on my back. I barely noticed my wings begin to extend as I pushed myself to go faster, and then faster, and then faster, until I was barrelling down the streets, all the buildings and ponies I passed barely registering as a blur in my line of sight. It wasn’t the slow, sickening blur of tiredness and confusion that I usually felt. This was the blur of speed, of flight, of freedom from any limitations that could ever keep me down. For a moment, I felt happy. I skidded to a stop, nearly crashing straight into the railing of the train station. Still able to hear every hard pump of my heart, I turn and look back to the direction I came from. Mocha was just rounding the corner nearly two blocks away, slowing from a mild trot to just barely dragging her hooves as she drew closer. Stepping next to me on the train platform, she collapsed onto her knees, letting all of her luggage drop as her magic cut out, and taking several deep breaths before speaking. “Rainy...I huff didn’t expect you to...haaaaa...to be such a runner. I mean, I...hooooo colt...don’t think I’ve ever seen you run before.” She takes a deep breath, before letting out a slow exhale, and leaning onto one of her suitcases. “Oh, that smarts. I...I need to work out more.” ...She’s right. When was the last time I ran around like that? ...I think it was, um...how many months ago? I was running home as fast as I could. I was really upset over something. I was running, running, running, c-crying. Wasn’t it after --- yelled at me to never talk to her again? ...? Why can’t I remember who it was? Why is there just a blank space? Okay, what happened that day? I was chasing after her. She was running, running away from me. Why was that? She was angry about something. Was it because of me? What did I do? For her to run away, I must’ve done something bad. Was it the thing I did that made me leave? Wait, why did I even leave? “Train’s here.” The train rolls into the station, and we hand in our tickets to the booth before entering our carriage. We place our bags on the overheads, and Mocha reclines back in her seat. What was I thinking about? “Honestly, Rainy, I love trains. The low rumble of the wheels pumping on and on, the slight shake of the train to and fro, the miles of beautiful sights. I personally find it extremely relaxing.” She lets out a short bark of laughter. “Hey, maybe my cutie mark is something to do with trains! Wouldn’t that be a hoot?” I nod. After what feels like an eternity, I speak up. “My mind has been going a million miles an hour. It scares me.” Mocha looked at me with mild surprise. I guess that’s expected, I don’t really talk too much, never mind above a whisper. A smile forms on her lips. “Maybe thinking about the trip to Ponyville really put your brain to work. But you’ve always been slow one week, and running yourself in circles the next. As I’ve said before, don’t worry about it too much. You’ll feel better soon enough.” I guess she’s right. She knows me pretty well. Probably better than I know myself. But I feel awful right now. I got up out of my seat, Mocha sparing me a quick glance before returning her gaze to the window. Heading down the hall, I saw the bathroom at the end of the carriage. Quickening my pace, I slipped into the small room and shut the door behind me. I look around the compartment: a sink on the right side with a mirror above it and a privy sitting at the other end. I turned to the mirror and gave myself a good look at myself. I looked different. Nopony would be able to tell that I was anypony else. They’d only know Rain Chaser. I was Rain Chaser. Two lengths of hair running past my shoulders and hair swept just beside my eyes? Check. My coltish, windswept hair non-existent due to my current style? Check. All color removed from my mane and fur? Check. It’s fine, Rainy. It’s going to be alright. You’re just a tourist visiting. Mocha will cover for you. Just enjoy it as much as you can. ...Enjoy this trip? How can I enjoy a trip like this? I unlock the bathroom door and step back into the train carriage, the floor rumbling under me as the train continued to chug along towards its destination: Ponyville. I returned to my seat next to Mocha and slumped into it, glancing out the window at the passing scenery. No matter what I tried, or what I said to myself, the paranoia in me kept rising. Maybe I should take the first train back. Maybe I should hide out in the Everfree the whole week. I just...I don’t want to see them. I don’t want to see that look in their eyes again. I don’t want to feel the burning in my heart every time I see them glare at each other, or ignore each other, or argue with each other whenever they pass each other on the street. I can’t handle it. I feel myself enter a warm embrace, the two hooves wrapped around me tight, but a comforting tight. I close my eyes, allowing myself to be taken by the sensation. Mocha’s head rests on my shoulder. “Hey, Rainy, it’s going to be fine. Nothing bad is going to happen, alright? We’re at a new place where nopony knows us. You don’t need to be afraid of them.” ...a new place? Yeah, this is a new place. I’ve never been here before. Rain Chaser hasn’t been to Ponyville before. She doesn’t know the Elements of Harmony. She doesn’t know anything has happened. She’s just going to quietly enjoy the countryside. No worries. No panic. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. I feel my breathing slow down and my body become still. It’ll be fine. I can feel Mocha’s cheeks beginning to crease. “That’s the spirit. I’ll be with you the whole way, m’kay?” It’ll be fine. Mocha will take care of me. I’m here to enjoy this. It’ll be fine. The two of us sit in silence as the train quietly treks on towards my destination. The trance I was in shatters as the train whistle blows, announcing that we’d reached our destination. Quickly untangling from each other, Mocha and I grab our overhead bags and move down the aisle and out of the train. Before me was Ponyville.
#cc9cdfI stop and stare; this is the place I thought I’d never see again. From the station, I can see straight through the town. I can hear the chatter of the ponies from the square and the market, I can smell the trees and grass riding on the wind from the apple orchards, and even the sweet smell of cooking from Sugarcube Corner. This was it. The place I’ve known and loved. The place I was deathly afraid of. Mocha looks back at me, her eyes filled with glee. She grabs my hoof and starts pulling me out of the station and down the street, her demeanor screaming ‘Let’s go and explore!’ Finding no reason to argue, I simply let myself be dragged along for the ride. She stops by a strawberry stall near the market’s entrance and starts some small talk with the stand owner. The mare has a mane of various shades of raspberry and a pale yellow coat. ...Was she new here? Mocha finishes up her conversation, and with a small basket of strawberries in her magic, says her goodbyes before moving on to another stall. I try to stop her, but somepony else interrupts me before I can even grab her tail. “Oh, I haven’t seen you two around here before! Welcome to Ponyville!” I feel my stomach drop, worse than when I was hurtling down to the ground after a wing cramp, worse than after the Wonderbolts rejected me. The fact that my four hooves were on the ground made the feeling all the more real. I couldn’t place her voice, but I knew. I knew that voice was not a good voice. It was the voice that haunted and terrorized my dreams. I want to fly away. I don’t want to see her. I don’t want her to see my shame, how far I’ve fallen. “I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle, but feel free to call me Twilight. May I ask who you two are?” I need to leave, I’m not ready for this, I want to go home, I want to— “It’s lovely to meet you, Twilight! I’m Mocha, and this is my friend, Rainy.” She pulls me close, bringing my line of sight directly to Twilight. My panic subsided, replaced by pure fear. I didn’t know how to react. “She’s a little shy, so don’t let her silence worry you; she’s quite a kind pegasus.” She let go of me, and I did my best not to curl up into a ball and implode from all the pulling force I wanted to use. “It’s surprising to just talk to one of the princesses out of the blue! Uhm, no offense.” Twilight giggles. “I know, I just don’t like being treated like I’m some ‘big thing’. I’m a normal pony like everypony else.” Twilight begins to depart but takes a quick glance at our rears. “Oh, you two are still blank fl-” She stuffed her hoof in her mouth, a mix of shock and embarrassment on her face. She does a quick bow to the two of you, “I’m sososo sorry, I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m sorry if I offended you or-” Mocha laughs and waves it off. “No worries, it’s bound to be brought up one way or another. Rainy and I were just unlucky, I guess. But we’re doing fine, so it’s not too much of a loss in my opinion.” I simply shrug, going along with what she said. Twilight looked relieved. “Thank you, it’s just that I haven’t seen anything like this before.” A warm smile grows on her face. “Maybe you can come and talk to me later? I think I know a few ways I can help you two out!” Without waiting for a response, she turns away and jogs in the direction of the castle. Mocha lets out a breath I didn’t know she was holding. “Wow, who would’ve expected that meeting the princess would be so...casual? Scared me a bit, I’m used to royalty and the like being so high-strung.” Wait, the Wonderbolts rejected me? “Well, the ones I’ve seen on the news, at least. But the Princess of Friendship came to greet us and apologized to us for a mistake. I can’t wrap my head around it.” That can’t be right. I can’t fly very well. I groaned and clutched my forehead as a headache rushed over me. Everything faded into the background as I focused only on the beating of my heart and the rhythm of my breath. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Heavens, my head hurts so bad. I don’t even like the Wonderbolts. “You want to head to the inn first?” I lower my hooves and look up at Mocha, who’s staring at me with a worried look. I nod and drag myself after her, trying my best to ignore the burning in my forehead. “Sorry about that, I couldn’t help but want to look at all the stalls,” she glanced back at the luggage she was floating around, “but I guess it would be easier if this wasn’t in the way, right?” The trip to the inn barely registered to my pained and confused brain. What happened with the Wonderbolts? Why was I so afraid of Twilight? Why did I feel a hole growing in the back of my mind? All these questions suddenly cropping up, and I had answers to none of them. I fear the answers, but I can’t remember what they are. I’m afraid of my friends. My friends are...my friends are… Another shot of pain rang through my head, and I felt myself being carried onto a soft surface. “Rainy, do you need anything? Water? Painkillers?” I nodded. My head hurt. It hurt so fucking bad. I wanted it to stop. I needed it to stop. I’m dimly aware of Mocha’s departure or return until she taps me on the shoulder and hands me a few tablets of aspirin. I take them dry, coughing a little as I feel the medicine run down my throat before grabbing the cup of water that Mocha placed onto the bedside table and downing it in two gulps. Collapsing onto my back, I place the cup on the table and try not to let tears form. Why was this so painful? Why was I so pathetic? Not even a day into the trip and I’m already ruining it. My face becomes wet for a moment, only for Mocha to wipe the tears off and crawl into the bed with me, pulling the blanket over us. “Shhh, you’ll feel better before you know it. We can rest here until then, m’kay?” She lets out a yawn. “The morning was a bit hectic anyways, I think we both deserve a little rest.” I close my eyes, plunging my vision into complete darkness. I saw nothing. The only things I heard was the beating of our hearts. Already the pain was subsiding, and What did I do to deserve you? “Rainbow, there’s no friendship meeting this week. Please leave.” I look up from staring down at my hooves. “Wait, why? I thought these meetings were important to you.” Twilight sighs and motions towards the table behind her. “It’s kind of difficult to have a friendship meeting without any friends.” I glance at the table, and the reality of the situation begins to set in. Nopony else was here. Only me and Twilight. I turn towards the alicorn, panic beginning to rise in me. “M-maybe they’re just late? They could come eventually!” Twilight shook her head. “They won’t. Rarity sent me a formal letter announcing her refusal to attend these meetings, and Pinkie flat out ignored the question when I brought it up. So, no, they’re not late. They’re not even coming.” “What about Fluttershy? She might come! She—” “Or maybe she won’t, Rainbow Dash! I wouldn’t be surprised if she finally got some assertiveness and ditched as well! And I wouldn’t blame her. I probably would do the same!” “She wouldn’t—” “She might have, Rainbow Dash. Maybe she would do that to an awful friend.” I’m unable to get another word out before she sends me flying out the door, and I’m able to catch myself before I get a face full of dirt. I turn to yell at Twilight what she was doing, but I’m only met with the slam of the castle doors, leaving me alone in the chilly evening. They all stopped coming. It really got to this point, huh. I want to go to each of them and ask them what their deal was, but I know exactly what it was. Me. This was all my fault. I was an awful friend. I mean, what friends causes this to happen to her friends? ...They’d probably be better off without me. Without me, none of this would’ve happened. But I had to open my big mouth. My body goes on autopilot towards my home, and I let myself be carried by it. I’ll grab my bags. I’ll hop on the train with a ticket to anywhere. That’ll get me out of their hair. Maybe I should just become somepony new. Maybe I’d learn how to be a better pony then, right? I stop myself and begin taking a detour. There was a favor I had to ask. My eyes snap open, the midday sun shining through the room’s window. I force myself not to jolt upright and look at my surroundings as I try and calm my beating heart. I’m still in the inn room. Mocha is still laying next to me, asleep. My headache is gone. And apparently, I was friends with Twilight. ...That’s a surprise. I feel more awake then I have been in...what feels like forever. Everything seems much louder, much brighter, so much more real then it was. It’s like a fog was lifted from all of my senses. The light coming in from the window was bright, but not blinding. The beating of Mocha’s heart gave a solid thump, no longer sounding like it was behind a wooden wall. The mattress below me... I could feel the spongy texture and my back resting on it, instead of feeling like I’d crawled into a comfy mush. Slipping myself out of Mocha’s grip, I roll out of the bed, stretching my legs and letting my wings unfurl. My heart felt as light as my hooves, and I wanted to take off running. I wanted to fly right over to Twilight’s stupid face and...and… What? I walk over to the bathroom, and give myself a good look in the mirror. It almost hurt to look at, just grey, grey, grey. This was me. This was Rain Chaser. Why did Rain Chaser exist? For me to become a better pony, right? This was my attempt...at becoming a better pony? The fog set back in. Why was the attempt such a failure?
